NetNews Usenet Archive 1993 #1/NN_1993_1.iso/spool/alt/fan/rushlim/11802

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From: [e-mail]
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rush-limbaugh,alt.rush-limbaugh
Subject: GULF WAR I: THE MINISERIES
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 7 Jan 93 08:42:04 -0600
Organization: Memphis State University
Lines: 233

Here's a blast from the past to commemorate the end of
President Bush's term, and the anniversary of what was arguably
our military's most lopsided victory, a decisive rout of
the Iraqi forces, and the liberation of what may eventually become
the first democratic Arab state. We can only hope.

Yes, Sadaam is still in power, and yes, exorcising the apprehensions
of Vietnam has brought us the first draft-dodger President, but
shaking up the Middle East peace process and averting another
OPEC-like stagflationary spiral has left the world some benefits
as well. Not to mention foiling Sadaam's plans to develop weapons of
mass destruction, which could well have led to another Holocaust,
as the gas chambers and nuclear crematoria rained down upon the
state of Israel, as they no doubt would have, if Sadaam had had his
way. (As for what may eventually happen to Sadaam... These things
take time to plan and execute. Patience. He has enough people
gunning for him. One day soon he will end up a little too close
to a substantial quantity of high explosives. Just wait.)

And now, return with me to those thrilling days of yesteryear, as:

EIB Productions presents
GULF WAR I: THE MINISERIES

FADE IN:

Rush Limbaugh (voiceover):

The year is 1940. It is a cold, dank, windswept day in a tiny Iraqi
village. The shabby wooden sign posted near the end of the street
bears the name of this village, which seems to be no more than an
outpost in what looks to be an old western movie. The word on this
sign: Tikrit. A man dressed as a bedouin sheik is seen staggering
down the street. Only his shifty eyes are exposed. He's unshaven,
he's in need of a bath. The man is unfriendly, glaring at any and
all who acknowledge him on his journey.
After considerable effort, he arrives at the front door of what appears
to be his home. He pauses briefly, before barging in to his own home.
He slams the door shut behind him, then begins a search of the home
for his wife, who he finds in the kitchen. He grabs her arm, he practically
throws her in front of him, demanding she lead the way to the bedroom.
With no respect whatsoever shown for her feelings, this man shoves his
wife to the bed, where she sprawls in fear and loathing. He shouts: "NOW!"
She sheepishly begs him to wait: "Please! Please  wait!" She reaches
under the pillow, she grabs an object. She throws it at him. "Use this!
Please, please, use this!" she intones.
He inspects the package. On it is stamped: "Provided by New York City
School System  'In God We Trust.'" He rips open the package, extracts
the contents, fiddling with it with his fingers. Suddenly, with great
anger, uncontrollable rage, he throws the condom against the wall,
shouting obscenities as he does so. He then leaps upon his screaming
wife whose cries and protests are dwarfed by the music and the main
title crescendo on screen:

Johnny Donovan (voiceover):
"Coming Soon... an epic miniseries that will keep America
spellbound for seven, consecutive, unforgettable nights.
GULF WAR I: THE MINISERIES..."

Rush Limbaugh (voiceover):
"Starring..."

CLINT EASTWOOD as PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH

BETTY WHITE as FIRST LADY BARBARA BUSH

JAMES EARL JONES as GEN. COLIN POWELL

RUSH H. LIMBAUGH III as GEN. H. NORMAN SCHWARZKOPF

BO DEREK as MRS. SCHWARZKOPF

SYLVESTER STALLONE as
RADIO TALK SHOW HOST RUSH H. LIMBAUGH III

JACK NICHOLSON as THE JOKER,
(portraying CNN's PETER ARNETT)

WHOOPI GOLDBERG as CNN's BERNARD SHAW

LARRY 'BUD' MELMAN as IRAQI AMBASSADOR TARIQ AZIZ

MARGOT KIDDER as MRS. SADAAM HUSSEIN

SINEAD O'CONNOR as HUSSEIN'S MISTRESS

BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT as HUSSEIN'S TRANSLATOR

PAT SAJAK as VICE PRESIDENT DAN QUAYLE

Former Philadelphia Eagles football coach
BUDDY RYAN as GEN. THOMAS KELLY

ROBERT DUVALL as SECY. OF DEFENSE DICK CHENEY

CHARLTON HESTON as SECY. OF STATE JIM BAKER

WKRP in Cincinnati's GORDON JUMP as
WHITE HOUSE SPOKEMAN MARLIN FITZWATER

MARTIN MULL as CNN's JOHN HOLLIMAN

ARMAND ASSANTE as HOSNI MUBARAK

BILLY BARTY as KING HUSSEIN OF JORDAN

RINGO STARR as YASIR ARAFAT

MARLON BRANDO as MIKHAIL GORBACHEV

MORGAN FREEMAN as CONGRESSMAN RON DELLUMS (D, Cal.)

DANNY GLOVER as REV. JESSE JACKSON

'PEE WEE' HERMAN as SEN. GEORGE MITCHELL

LARRY HAGMAN as SEN. SAM NUNN

E.T. THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL as
CONGRESSMAN RICHARD GEPHARDT (D, Mo.)

ART GARFUNKEL as SEN. PAUL WELLSTONE (D, Minn.)

K.D. LANG as MARINE BRIG. GEN. RICHARD NEAL

JABBA THE HUTT as N.O.W. PRESIDENT MOLLY YARD

THE SAN FRANCISCO CHAPTER OF DYKES ON BIKES as
THE ALL AMERICAN 1ST CAV. AMAZON BATTALION
(whose mission is to take out all future members of
the Iraqi Republican Guard who are being maternally protected
in intrauterine bunkers)

CONGRESSMAN BOB DORNAN (R, Cal.) as
A BLOOD'NGUTS COLONEL WHO NARRATES BOMBING VIDEOS

CASEY KASEM as Former U.S. Atty Gen.
turned Iraqi propagandist RAMSAY CLARK

The Munsters' AL "Grandpa" LEWIS as
U.N. Secy. Gen. XAVIER PEREZ DE CUELLAR

KATHLEEN TURNER as STATE DEPT. SPOKESWOMAN
MARGARET TUTWILER

MEL GIBSON as PENTAGON SPOKESMAN PETE WILLIAMS

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN as CNN's WOLF BLITZER

DON KNOTTS as CNN's CHARLES JACO

Legendary vanished hijacker D.B. COOPER
as CBS NEWS' BOB SIMON

MARTIN SHEEN as Antiwar activist S. BRIAN WILSON
(who, attempting to stop the launching of a Patriot missile,
loses the lower half of his body in the process)

REGIS PHILBIN as HAFEZ AL-ASSAD

ANDY GRIFFITH as SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE THOMAS FOLEY

RICHARD DREYFUSS as YITZHAK SHAMIR

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER as LT. COL. OLIVER NORTH

MORGANNA THE KISSING BANDIT as THE IRAQI BABY MILK PLANT

BEATRICE ARTHUR as THE HYSTERICAL IRAQI MOTHER
WHO WENT FROM NEWS CREW TO NEWS CREW
LYING ABOUT THE DAMAGE TO HER HOME

STEVE MARTIN as U.K. PRIME MINISTER JOHN MAJOR

PAUL NEWMAN as ISRAELI MINISTER BENJAMIN NETANYAHU

MICHAEL J. FOX as NBC NEWS' "SCUD STUD" ARTHUR KENT

TOM CRUISE as RON KOVIC

The late MITCH SNYDER as THE DESERT SAND STORM

Former Exxon Valdez skipper JOSEPH HAZELWOOD as
THE FIGHTER PILOT WHO STOPPED THE FLOW OF OIL
FROM THE SEA ISLAND TERMINAL

ALBERT BROOKS as DAN RATHER

TED DANSON as PETER JENNINGS

HOMER SIMPSON as ABC MILITARY ANALYST TONY CORDESMAN

Former Dallas Cowboys coach TOM LANDRY as TOM BROKAW

HOWDY DOODY as ABC's TED KOPPEL

JUDD NELSON, JOHNNY DEPP, LOU DIAMOND PHILLIPS
and WINONA RYDER as A GUNG-HO SQUAD OF YOUNG MARINE
VOLUNTEERS ON THE FRONT LINES under the command of
LOUIS GOSSETT, JR.

NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK as THE IRAQI REPUBLICAN GUARD

CHARLIE SHEEN and EMILIO ESTEVEZ as
ARMY TRASH HAULERS ON THE BACK LINES

THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES as
THE AFGHAN MUJAHEDEEN FREEDOM FIGHTERS

MADONNA as THE FIRST FEMALE PRISONER OF WAR
(who will sing 'Justify My Love' in an attempt to
seduce her Iraqi captors, before they beat the snot out of her)

And finally,
SEN. EDWARD M. KENNEDY as the truck driver in Allied bombsight
known as THE LUCKIEST MAN IN IRAQ ╨since he knows what it's like
to cross a bridge bombed...

RATED PG-13
From EIB PRODUCTIONS..."



HAPPY NEW YEAR!


--
*.x,*dna**************************************************************
*(==) Ken Barnes, LifeSci Bldg.      * Conservative libertarians     *
* \'  [e-mail]    *      for Pro-Balance!         *
*(-)**Memphis,TN********75320,[e-mail]**********************
"Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged
to stick to possibilities, Truth isn't."--Mark Twain