NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #27/NN_1992_27.iso/spool/rec/humor/34408

Internet Message Format | 1992-11-20 | 14.8 KB

Path: sparky!uunet!cs.utexas.edu!usc!news.service.uci.edu!ucivax!news.claremont.edu!nntp-server.caltech.edu!nathan
From: scratchy.caltech.edu!nathan (Nathan Mates)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Murphy's Laws: Love & War
Date: 20 Nov 1992 07:09:53 GMT
Organization: California Institute of Technology, Pasadena
Lines: 436
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
NNTP-Posting-Host: scratchy.caltech.edu
Originator: nathan@scratchy

Also older stuff, but it was requested...
Nathan


MURHPY'S LAWS OF COMBAT

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

2. Incoming fire has the right of way.

3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
    ( For this reason aircraft carriers have been called "Bomb
Magnets")

4. There is always a way.

5. The easy way is always mined.

6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
    ( Triva devotees will recall the sudden disappearence of rank and
distinctive caps on the     uniforms worn by Soviet officers in
Afghanistan)

7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
 a. when you're ready for them.
 b. when you're not ready for them.

9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

10. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.

11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to
get out.
    ( This seems to be the guiding design principle behind the
Soviet's BMP and our Bradley     infantry vehicle, both of which nicely
package the troops in armored boxes for group     distruction)

17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.

19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.

21. Friendly fire isn't.

22. If the sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

23. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never
stay awake when you     can sleep.

24. The most dangerous thing in the world is a second lieutenant with a
map and a compass.

25. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

26. A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down in four
seconds.

27. Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and
regrouping.

28. If at first you don't succeed call in an air-strike.

29. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.

30. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the
colonel's HQ.

31. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.

32. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.

33. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.

34. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low
on ammo, you     can't hit the broad side of a barn.

35. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to
be repaired.

36. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.

37. Interchangeable parts aren't.

38. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.

39. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove ANYTHING.

40. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot
camp)

41. The one item you need is always in short supply.

42. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.

43. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the
weapon's operator.

44. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.

45. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the
most important ones are     always illegible.

46. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.

47. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know
what they want, but they     know for certain what they DON'T want.

48. To steal information from a person is called plagarism. To steal
information from the enemy     is called gathering intelligence.

49. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.

50. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that
billet is filled by someone     else.

51. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the emeny takes 2 weeks to
attack. When you     are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to
attack that night.

52. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal Of
Honor.

53. A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think
of a plan, stupid     enough to try it, and luck enough to survive.

54. Murphy was a grunt.

55. You aren't Superman. (Freshly graduated recruits from Marine boot
camp, and all fighter     piolets, especiall, take note)

56. Suppressive fires - won't.

57. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid

58. When in doubt empty the magizine

59. No plan survives the first contact, intact

60. If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short

61. The important things are always simple

62. The simple things are always hard

63. No-combat ready group has passed inspection.
    Note: No marine unit has ever failed a combat readiness
inspection, which suggests     peacetime inspections are readiness as
mess hall food is cuisine)

64. Beer Math -> 2 beers time 37 men equals 49 cases

65. Body count math -> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probale plus 2 pigs equals 37
enemies killed in action

66. Things that must be together to work, usually can't be shipped
together

67. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support despertly.
 (Corollary: Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and
especially during both)

68. Tracers work both ways

69. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming
friendly fire

70. If you take more than your share of objectives, you will have more
than your fair share to     take

71. When both sides are convinced they are about to lose, they're both
right

72. All or any of the above combined

Robyn's first law of computers:
When putting something into memory, remember where the fuck you put it!!!

 Murphy's Laws.

 1. If anything can go wrong it will
 2. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems
 3. Everything takes longer than you expect
 4. If ther is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
will do the most damage     will go wrong first.
 5. Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse.
 6. If you play with something long enough, you will surely break it.
 7. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
 8. If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can
go wrong, and circumvent     these, then a fifth way, unprepared for,
will promptly develop.
 9. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
 10. Mother Nature is a bitch.
 11. It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so
ingenious.
 12. If a great deal of time has been expended seeking the answer to a
problem with the only result     being failure, the answer will be
immediately obvious to the first unqualified person.

 Cooke's Law
 In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available
is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.

 Law of the Perversity of Nature
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to
butter.

 Ross's Law
Bare feet magnetise sharp metal objects so they always point upwars from
the floor-especially in the dark.

 Simmons's Law
The desire for racial integration increases with the square of the
distance from the actual event.

 Acheson's Rule of the Bureaucracy
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the
writer.

 Avery's Rule of Three
Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the
next job after a series of three is not the fourth job - it's the start of
a brand new series of three.

 Calkin's Law of Menu Language
The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a
menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the dish.

 Canada Bill Jones's Motto
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
 Canada Bill Jones's Supplement
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

 The 10 Commandments of the Frisbee

1. The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to get
under a car
2. The higher the quality of the catch the greater the probability of a
crummy rethrow(Good     catch-bad throw).
3. One must never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than,
"Watch This!".
4. The higher the costs of hitting any object the greater the certainty it
will be struck.
5. The best catches are never seen.
6. The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going in the
wrong direction;(Goes the     wrong way-goes a long way).
7. The most powerful hex words in the world of sport are- "I really have
this down-watch".(Know     it -blow it).
8. In any crowd of spectators at least one will suggest that razor blades
could be attached to the     disc.
9. The greater your need to make a good catch the greater the probability
your partner will deliver     his worst throw.
10. The single most difficult move with a disc is to put it down. (Just
one more throw).

MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX
--------------------

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to
leave her with no hard     feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it,
because it'll never be quite the     same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of
trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get
or how long it is     going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops
listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same
ones she can't stand     years later.

16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't
either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop
failure.

22. The younger the better.

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that
caused the trouble in the     garden.

25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

26. There is no such thing as an ugly woman. Only too little wine.

27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of
frogs.

28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than
sex. But there is     nothing exactly like it.

29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

30. Love is a hole in the heart.

31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into
our space program, we     would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

33. Do it only with the best.

34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter
words to convey its full     meaning.

35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.

40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he
couldn't.

44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the
stick.

45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

46. Never say no.

47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

52. Love comes in spurts.

53. The world does not revolve on an axis.

54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are
unimportant.

55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.

57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in
love.

58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

60. "This won't hurt, I promise."


*********************************************************************
*I ALSO HAVE:                                                       *
*Political Incorrectness:                                           *
*      Bill Clinton Jokes   Lawyer Jokes     Blonde Jokes           *
*Monty Python Plagarisms: (Scripts to)                              *
*      Monty Python & The Holy Grail         Meaning of Life        *
*      Life of Brian (Incomplete, as far as I know)                 *
*Computer Humor:                                                    *
*      Bastard Operator From Hell-- Computer series                 *
*      More Computer Jokes-- 90K!!!          Hacker Test 1.1        *
*Other Stuff:                                                       *
*      Lightbulb Jokes      Car Acronyms     Star Trek Parodies     *
*      Murphy's Law stuff   Answering Machine Messages              *
*      Deep Thoughts        Job Descriptions                        *
*********************************************************************
*  A .sig designed to keep me busy for quite a while                *
*********************************************************************
* Nathan Mates                [e-mail]                *
*********************************************************************
--

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*I ALSO HAVE:                                                       *
*Political Incorrectness:                                           *