Acting: The art of keeping the audience from coughing.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.
Air bags: Inflation we can live with.
Alarm clock: A device to wake people without small kids.
Atheism: A non-prophet organization.
Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
Baby-sitter: A teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
Bank: A place that will lend you money if you prove that you don't need it.
Bank manager: A jerk who will lend you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and ask for it back when it starts to rain.
Blotter: Something to look for while the ink dries.
Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
Budget: Something we go without to stay within.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Camel: A horse designed by a committee.
Capital punishment: Income tax.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.
Classic: A book that everybody wants to have read, and nobody wants to read.
Committee: A group that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
Cynic: Someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Death: Life's way of saying, "You can let go of your ankles now."
Democracy: Three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.
Dieting: Wishful shrinking.
-e-i-e-i-o: A gross misspelling of the word "farm".
Engineer: A person who knows a great deal about very little and who goes along knowing more and more about less and less, until finally he knows practically everything about nothing.
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
Fairy tales: Horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Honest politician: One who, when bought, stays bought.
Hospital: Where they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill.
Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
Insane: When you're nuts and it bothers you. (Crazy is when you're nuts and you like it).
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Lactomangulation: Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
Mixed emotions: Watching the school burn down when your new catcher's mitt is in your desk.
Paper clip: The larval stage of coat hangers.
Passion: A feeling you feel when you feel a feeling you've never felt before.
Polynesia: Memory loss in parrots.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Reality: A crutch for people who can't face drugs.
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.
Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
Relativitiy: Sit next to a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. Sit on a red-hot stove for a minute, it seems like an hour.
Sex: A disrobic experience
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Stress: The confusion created when ones mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living crap out of some butthead who desperately needs it.
Tact : The ability to tell someone to go to hell and have them look forward to the trip.
Vinylocity: The strange atmospheric force that makes the shower curtain blow towards you while trying to shower.
Vuja De: That feeling you've never been here before.
Worry: The interest you pay on trouble before it comes.
Writer: Someone who's never seen a chasm that didn't yawn.
