The World of Computer Software/World_Of_Computer_Software-02-387-Vol-3of3.iso/p/par171.zip/PEPSI_GN.TXT

Text File | 1993-02-04 | 39KB | 1,252 lines

                      ("cleaned up" by Ray Brown, TFDN_PL, @ 1:135/70)

        I wrote this a few months ago when TNG was playing 1 new episode
followed by 2 repeats followed by 1 new followed by 2 repeats etc.  I'd
forgotten about it until the other night.  I now present it for your
reading edification.  Enjoy.
                                                -Bob Lamothe, 324/127


             (Somewhere in the neutral zone,
              aboard the Romulan Star Ship
              P'tok.  Seyla is in the command
              chair surrounded by her crew.
              Her advisor enters)

Tomar:  Julan tru, Commander.

Seyla:  Julan tru, Tomar.  What are the Preator's orders?

Tomar:  The Praetor is concerned, Commander.  Things have
        been too quiet lately.  He feels we should make
        our presence known.

Seyla:  What would the Praetor suggest, Tomar?

Tomar:  He has left that up to you, my Commander.

Seyla:  It is too soon to work against the Klingons again,
        and our attempt to conquer Vulcan has failed.
        What would you suggest?

Tomar:  Perhaps a show of strength would be in order, to
        boost the morale of the crew.  Might I suggest we
        seek out the Enterprise?  Victory against the
        Federation flagship would quite a coup.

Seyla:  A fools errand, Tomar, we would travel millions of
        light years to get there, be in violation of the
        treaty and Picard would only talk us out of
        attacking.  No, set course for the Orion cluster,
        to let them know we are still active.

Tomar:  Very good, Commander.  Julan tru.

Seyla:  Julan tru.

(Cut to space.  planets whirl and slide past our
view.  rear view of the Enterprise.  Patrick
Stewart's voice says, "Space - the Final frontier.
These are the voyages of the Star Ship Enterprise.
Her ongoing mission, to explore strange new
worlds, to seed out new life and new
civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone
before.".  Credits roll by as various views of the
Enterprise are shown.  Enterprise enters warp with
a flash. cut to commercial)



               STAR TREK: THE PEPSI GENERATION
                Written by Robert L. Lamothe


                Captains log 2654.1.  Starfleet
                Command has been monitoring a
                signal from the planet El Adril
                from a vessel recognized as from
                the Children of Tamar. The
                Enterprise has been ordered to
                investigate.

Picard: Mr. Data, set course to El Adril.  It seems the
        Tamarians wish to communicate.

Data:   Yes sir, course laid in. (pause) One question, sir.

Picard: What is it, Mr. Data.

Data:   We have already established communication with the
        Tamarians - why would they wish us to meet them at
        El Adril again?

Picard: Again?  Are you suggesting we've done this before?

Data:   Yes sir.  You were kidnapped by the Tamarians and
        placed with their Captain on El Adril.  Even
        though Captain Dathan died, you were able to learn
        enough to communicate with Commander Tamak.

Picard: Are you absolutely certain of this?

Data:   Yes, sir.

Picard: Shaka.  Very well, then perhaps this would be a
        good time to meet with the winners of the science
        fair.

Data:   You have already done that sir.

Picard: Are you sure Mr. Data?

Data:   Yes sir.  You were trapped in a turbo lift after
        the Enterprise struck a Quantum filament.  You
        assisted the children from the lift before it gave
        way and fell.  Counselor Troi assumed command in
        your absence and saved the ship.

Picard: Hmmm, yes, that does sound familiar, now that you
        mention it.

(Cut to turbo lift, Riker steps out with a big
grin on his face)

Picard: Welcome back, Number One. I trust you enjoyed your
        stay on Risa?

Riker:  Yes sir, and I brought back this game that I think
        you are going to like.

Picard: I hope it's not like that soft drink you brought
        back last time, this ship was feuding for three
        months over that one.

Riker:  (smirking) Well more people seemed to like mine
        best.

Data:   Excuse me, sir.

Picard: I'll field this, one Mr. Data.  Let me guess
        Commander, this game of yours mind-washes us and
        almost causes us to turn the ship over to a group
        of Butt heads.

Riker:  (confusion on his face)  How did you know, sir?

Picard: According to Mr. Data, we seem to be doing the same
        things over again.

Intercom: (Beverly's voice) Sick bay to bridge.

Picard: Picard here, Dr., what can we do for you?

Intercom: I understand Commander Riker has just returned
          from Risa, I'd like him to report for a physical.

Picard: Commander Riker had a physical 2 months ago.
        Would you care to explain, Dr.?

Intercom: When Will played host for Odan, I discovered he
          had, shall we say, an embarrassing social
          condition.  It took me six weeks to get rid of it.
          I'd like to make sure the Commander is healthy.

Picard: (to Riker) You and those alien women again.

Riker:  (smirking)

Picard: Very well, Dr., I'll send him down as soon as I can.
        Picard out.

Worf:   Captain, I've received a subspace communique from
        Starfleet Command.  Ambassador Spock has been
        located on Romulus.  Should I contact the Klingon
        High Council and request a cloaked ship?

Picard: Data?

Data:   Already accomplished sir.  We managed to thwart a
        Romulan invasion, Sarek died and Spock chose to
        remain on Romulus.

Picard: Assemble in my ready room, Mr. Worf. I want you and
        Commander LaForge to join us.

Worf:   Yes, sir.

(Cut to ready room. Picard, Riker, Data, LaForge,
Worf and Counselor Troi are seated at the table)

Picard: According to Mr. Data, we seem to be repeating
        ourselves.  Each time I order us on a mission, Data
        informs me that we have already completed the
        mission.  Speculations?

Riker:  Perhaps we are stuck in some kind of time warp.

Picard: Mr. LaForge?

Geordi: I don't think so, sir.  Down in engineering, every
        thing checks out.

Picard: Worf, any ideas?

Worf:   Perhaps this is a test by some powerful alien
        force.  We should attack.

Picard: You mean like the Q.  Counselor?

Deanna: I don't think so, sir.  I am sensing a malevolent
        presence, but nothing defined or focused.

Picard: Mr. Data, you seem to be most familiar with what is
        going on.  What do you think it is?

Data: I believe it is syndication, sir.

Riker:  Synda-what?

Data:   Syndication.(breathy intake of air)  It was a
        process that was popular during the old Earth
        calendar of the 1960's and 70's but did not
        realize its true potential until the 1980's and
        90's.

Picard: Data what exactly is this syndication?

Data:   It was a process used in the transmitted media
        entertainment industry of the late 20th century.

Riker:  You mean television.

Data:   (another breathy intake of air) Yes sir.
        Independent television stations purchased the
        right to air new broadcasts in an attempt to
        compete with the large networks.

Picard: You make it sound like it was a good thing, Data.

Data:   I believe it was, sir.  It allowed programs with
        broad national appeal but poor Nielsen results to
        remain on the air.

Riker:  Nielsen results?

Picard: Yes, Number One. The nielsen results - I remember
        reading about them in history.  Homes full of
        mindless people selecting what the nation would
        watch - an interesting study in statistics.  Mr.
        Data, if this process was so good, then what went
        wrong?

Data:   Unlike the big networks of the time who controlled
        production and made sure a new episode appeared
        each week during the television season, the
        syndicates were at the mercy of the production
        studios who were not under the pressure to turn
        out something new on a weekly basis.

Picard: And you think that is what happened to us?

Data:   It would seem most likely, sir.  Have you never
        wondered why the stardates do not go in order?

Picard: Data, how do we combat this syndication?

Data:   At the source, sir.

Riker:  Where is the source, Data?

Data:   Paramount Studios, Los Angeles, California, Earth, in
        the Sol system.

Picard: Yes, Data I know where Earth is.  Set course for
        Earth, warp factor nine.  Mr. Worf, dispatch
        communication to Starfleet Command, informing them
        of what we have learned and what we intend to do
        about it.  Number One, report to sick bay.
        Dismissed.

(Cut to commercial, after two minutes of tedium we
return to the bridge; every one is at their
station)

Data:   Approaching Earth, sir.

Picard: On main viewer, reduce speed to impulse power.

(Shot of main view screen, Image of Earth rotating
slowly against a field of stars.  Cut back to
Riker)

Riker:  If thats Earth, where is the Starbase?

Picard: Data, scan for the Star base.

Data:   Starbase not present sir.  This is 20th century
        Earth.  The Starbase will not be built for
        another 200 years.

Picard: I see. Assume standard orbit. Mr. Data, have you
        located Paramount Studios yet?

Data:   Yes sir.  Coordinates have been transmitted to
        Transporter room three.

Picard: (to ceiling) Picard to engineering.

Geordi: (from ceiling) LaForge here, sir.

Picard: Mr. LaForge, Commander Riker, Mr. Worf, Data and
        myself are beaming down to locate the source of
        the trouble.  You have the con.

Geordi: Aye, sir, I'll be right up.

Picard: (heading towards turbo lift) Gentlemen.

(Cut to transporter room)

Picard: Chief O'Brian, do you have the coordinates Mr. Data
        sent down?

O'Brian: Coordinates locked in sir, ready when you are.

Riker:  Keep close tabs on us, if there's trouble, we may
        need to leave quickly.

O'Brian: Don't worry, sir, I'll have you out of there before
        you finish your sentence.

Picard: Do you really think that's necessary, Number One?

Riker:  Just a precaution, sir.

Picard: Very well, Number One.  But you should realize
        after all these years that I can talk us out of
        anything.

Riker:  (crestfallen) Yes, sir.

Picard: Good.  Energize.

(Image of away team vanishing, cut to Enterprise
bridge, image of away team materializing)

Picard: (confused, touching his communicator) Mr. O'Brien,
        are you sure you had the right coordinates?  We
        seem to be on the bridge.

O'Brian: (from thin air) Coordinates confirmed, sir.  You
        should be smack dab in the middle of Paramount.

Riker:  (Grinning) Remarkable.

Picard: Remarkable indeed.  Data, any ideas?

Data:   This seems to be a facsimile, sir, the purpose of
        which eludes me.

(part of the bridge slides away exposing several
people, cameras and lights)

Justman: Good, you're early and in costume, (walking over to
        Worf) Wow Mike, they did a really good job on you
        today.  I can't even tell where the prosthesis
        stops and you start - good makeup!

Worf:   Klingons do not wear makeup.

Justman: Good line, maybe we can get Dorothy to write that
        into one of the scripts.  Looks like everyone is
        just about ready.  Is Marina here?

Sirtis: (from back stage) Back here, I'm all set.

Justman: Ok, good. (turning back to camera and sound crew)
        We'll start with scene six, maybe we can get a few
        extra feet shot today.  Camera and sound check.

Riker:  (to Picard) What's going on here?  These people
        seem to know us.

Picard: So it seems.

Riker:  What should we do?

Picard: Lets play along with them for a while - perhaps we
        can learn something.

Worf:   Must we, sir?  After that insult about makeup?

Picard: Mr. Worf, we are here to find the cause of this
        syndication thing.  This seems as good a place to
        start as any.

Data:   Sir, I am picking up power emanations nearby.

Picard: Try and pinpoint the location.

Justman: Ok, folks ,were starting on scene six.  Since we
        rehearsed it yesterday I'd like to see if we can
        shoot it in one take.  Places, everybody.

(several people take their places on the set.
Picard and co. remain huddled)

Justman: (to Picard) Well? what are you waiting for?

Riker:  Just what exactly are we to do?

Justman: What did you boys do?  Stay up too late drinking
         Romulan ale?

Riker:  Romulan ale is illegal.

Justman: (eyeing Riker) Right.  You want to take your
        places so we can start?

Picard: What places are those?

Justman: (exasperated) This some kind of a joke?  You the
        ring leader, Pat?  Ok, I'll bite, Captain sits in
        the Captains seat, Riker sits beside him, Worf at
        ops and Data at the helm.  Got it?

(The crew takes their positions)

Justman: Ok, quiet on the set, roll tape and action.

(the turbo lift doors open with a rumble instead
of a whoosh and Marina Sirtis steps out in her
blue gown)

Picard: Counselor, what are you doing here? I didn't order
        you to beam down.

Justman: Cut!  What do you mean, asking her what she's doing
        here.  This is scene six, remember? You have an
        alien ship on the view screen, you're trying to
        establish communications, so you order Troi here to
        help.

Data:   There is nothing on the view screen.

Justman: You're in on this too, Brent?  Of course, there's
        nothing on the screen, imagery gets added later -
        you know that.  Can we try this again?
        (after a pause) Quiet on the set.  Roll tape and
        action.

(again the turbo lift doors open and Sirtis steps
out making her way to her chair)

Picard: (playing along) Mr. Worf, open hailing frequencies.
        Counselor, are you getting anything?

Sirtis: The Alderberans are apprehensive of our presence.
        They are uncertain of our motives.

Picard: Mr. Worf, have you established communications yet?

Worf:   This equipment looks just like the ones on the
        Enterprise but does nothing.  Communication is
        impossible.

Justman: (loudly) Cut!  Ok I get it - we're on Bloopers and
        Practical jokes, right?  Everybody take five until
        these jokers want to do this right.

(Justman wanders away muttering, Marinna joins
him)

Justman: Did you know anything about this?

(Marinna shrugs and shakes her head no as they
wander off)

Picard: Gentlemen, in my ready room.

(Picard heads for the ready room and walks full
force into the doors causing the set to shake)

Picard: (rubbing an injured nose) What's wrong with this
        thing?

Data:   (with tricorder in hand) These look like the doors
        on the Enterprise but are not, I detect no
        mechanism.  Perhaps you could slide it open with
        your hand.

(Riker places his palm on the door and pushes
sideways, with a rumble the door opens and they
pass through descending the curved ramp to the
ready room only to find themselves behind the set
wooden truss members and beams stand exposed along
with gobs of electrical wiring.)

Picard: Analysis, Mr. Data.

Data:   This mock-up and what we just participated in
        seems to be for Electronic Transmission Media
        Entertainment.

Riker:  You mean television.

Data:   Did I not just say that?

Riker:  (to Data) Right. (to Picard) What do we do now?

Picard: Quite so, Number One, what do we do?  Mr. Data, have
        you determined the location of those power
        emanations?

Data:   The source of the power emanations is 500 meters
        west of our present position sir.

Picard: Lead the way, Mr. Data.

(Cut to commercial; after 2 more tedious minutes we
return.  The Enterprise crew follows Data through
Paramount studios, the word "intriguing" escapes
his lips many times.  Their search finally ends at
a building marked "Paramount Post Production
Facility")

Data:   Power emanations are within this building, sir.

Picard: And you believe this to be the source of the
        syndication?

Data:   I would bet my life on it, if I had one.

Picard: (noticing the troubled look on Riker's face) What
        seems to be the trouble, Number One?

Riker:  Captain, we're about to face an unknown that could
        have tremendous impact on our lives.  I just
        couldn't help wishing Ensign Crusher were with us
        right now.

Picard: Yes indeed.(smiling)  Mr. Crusher could figure a
        way of getting us out of this. Unfortunately, we
        don't have time to go to the Academy to get him.

Worf:   Perhaps if we played Commander Rikers game, he
        would come.

Riker:  We already used that one.  Besides, I threw it
        away.

Picard: We'll just have to muddle through on our own, then.

Worf:   It is a good day to die.

Riker:  (muttering) Tomorrow would be better.

(The away team enters the building and follow a
long corridor with many labeled doors on each
side. They come to a door at the end of the
hallway)

Data:   Power emanations are located beyond that door.

Picard: Very well then, phasers on stun. Let's go.

(they step through the door only to find
themselves in a modest 1950's style living room.
A red headed woman is having an emotional
discussion with a Cuban man)

Riker:  There seems to be something wrong with my eyes.

Data:   It is called black and white, obviously pre 1964.

Woman:  Bwaaaaaa, Ricky how come you won't let me be in
        your show, Bwaaaaaa.

Ricky:  Lucy, we've discussed this a thousand times, you
        can't be on the show!

Lucy:   But Ricky, why not, Bwaaaaaaaa.

Picard: Excuse me - I'm Jean-Luc Picard of the Star Ship
        Enterprise.  We are trying to locate the source of
        the syndication.  Can you help us?

Ricky:  Can't you see I'm having a discussion with my
        wife.  Just what are you doing in my living room
        any way?  Get out of here.

Data:   Through this door, sir.

Lucy:   Bwwwaaaaaaa.

(They pass through the door and find themselves on
a well manicured lawn in front of an impressive
mansion.  A tall man in shorts and a flowered
shirt with a bushy moustache and a Detroit Tigers
cap is leaning against a red Farrari)

Man:    Hi there, you must be Higgins' friends. He's up at
        the main house.  I can take you there if you like.

(a short man with dark hair and Khaki shirt and
pants approaches)

Higgins: Oh my god, Magnum, what are you and these hooligans
        doing?  Going to a masquerade party?

Magnum: Hooligans, Higgins?  I thought these were friends
        of yours.

Higgins: You must be joking. I can assure you these are no
        friends of mine.  Although this one (indicating
        Worf) reminds me of the time I was with the 5th
        regiment pulling garrison duty in the Belgian
        Congo.  Dixby and I, a good chap Dixby, were out
        foraging in the underbrush, of course we were well
        fed, the Queen mother takes care of her own but
        military food tends to ruin the palette.  Any way
        there we were trying to flush out some game when
        we came upon one of the natives, a magnificent
        fellow, resplendent in war garb.

Magnum: Higgins...

Higgins: Don't interrupt me Magnum, (to Picard) He's really
        quite crude, you know.  Well, this chap turned out
        to be a marvelous hunter and we became fast
        friends.  He made our stay much more enjoyable.

Magnum: Higgins, don't you think we should find out what
        these fellows want?

Higgins: Yes, quite.  I'll leave that up to you, you're in
        charge of security around here.  Just stay off the
        tennis courts and out of the wine cellar.

Magnum: Ta ta, Higgins.

Higgins: Really.

Magnum: Don't mind Higgins - he's not a bad sort once you
        get to know him. (extending his hand) Thomas Magnum,
        Private Investigator.

Picard: Jean-Luc Picard Captain of the Star Ship
        Enterprise.

Magnum: (smirking) I thought that was supposed to be James
        T. Kirk?

Picard: (to Riker) He smirks almost as well as you do,
        Number One.

Data:   (to Magnum) Actually, there was a James Kirk who
        commanded a Constitution Class Star Ship named
        Enterprise.  We are from the Galaxy Class
        Enterprise - a much later design.

Magnum: (still smirking) And what's this, a Romulan?
        (indicating Worf)

Worf:   Grrrrrr.

Picard: At ease, Lieutenant.

Worf:   But, must I take such an insult?

Picard: I'm sure no insult was intended.

Magnum: Wait, Rick and T. C. put you up to this, didn't
        they?

Riker:  Rick? T. C.?  Mr. Magnum, we are looking for the
        source of the syndication.  Can you help us?

Magnum: (chuckling) Oh, syndication - of course!  Well, if you
        find it let me know. (walking off) Rick and T. C. -
        those guys'll do anything to get me (chuckle).

Picard: Suggestions?

Data:   Power emanations are coming from the beach.

Picard: Let's go.

(As they set foot on the beach, a change takes
place.  The mansion and ground disappear and a
jungle takes their place.  The crew finds
themselves face to face with a skinny man wearing
a red shirt and a sailors cap)

man:    (stiff with terror at the sight of Worf)
        sk..sk..skipper (he whispers).  Skipper! (this time
        shouting)

(a heavy man in a blue shirt and captain's hat
comes running out of the brush)

Skipper: I'm coming, little buddy.

(He stops short at the sight of Picard and crew)

Skipper: Why their people, Gilligan!

Gilligan: I know they're people, but what's that? (pointing to
          Worf)

Picard: Mr. Worf is one of my crew.

Skipper: You hear that Gilligan, one of his crew.  Don't
        you know what this means.

Gilligan: Yeh, he's going to eat us.

Skipper: No, stupid (thumping Gilligan with his hat).  It
         means we're rescued!

Gilligan: Oh, maybe I should go tell the others.

Skipper: Run along, Gilligan.

Gilligan: (Running through the brush) Professor, Mary
          Anne, Ginger, Mr. Howell, Mrs. Howell we're
          rescued!

Skipper: Don't mind Gilligan - he just gets a little excited
        some times.  Boy, it's good to see people again. Do
        you know how long we've been here? I sometimes
        forget myself.

Picard: Actually, Mr., uh...?

Skipper: Grumby, Jonas Grumby but everybody calls me
        Skipper.

Picard: Yes, Mr. Grumby.  We are here to locate the source
        of the syndication.

Skipper: Well, I don't know about any syndication but I bet
        the Professor could help.  He knows all about this
        Island.  Follow me.

(They make their way to a small compound with
thatched huts and bamboo furniture.)

Gilligan: See, I told you.  Big horny head and fangs. Blech.

Professor: Why, it's a Homo Erectus Klingonus. I never
           thought to see one around here!

Mr. Howell: Looks like a Yale man to me.

Worf:   Klingons are not Yale men.

Mrs. Howell: Of all the impudence.

Mr. Howell: Well, perhaps Dartmouth then.

Ginger: (sidling up to Riker and running her hands over
         his chest) Is it true, you're going to rescue us?

Riker:  (Smirking) Any assistance we can offer.

Picard: Number One, really.  She's not even an Alien!
        You'll never break Kirk's record that way.

Riker:  Sorry, sir, just trying to stay in practice.

Picard: There'll time enough for that later - right now, we
        need to find the syndication.

Skipper: Thats right, Professor, They said they were
         looking for something called the syndication.

Professor: Syndication?

Data:   Our ship is trapped by a force that makes us
        repeat things over and over again.  We believe the
        source to be the syndication.

Professor: I don't believe I recognize your species.

Data:   I'm an android, sir.

Professor: Remarkable.  This syndication, do you know what
           it looks like.

Data:   Negative. We have been following power emanations
        that led us here.  We hoped you would be able to
        assist us.

Professor: I don't know about a syndication.  But what
           you've said has made sense.  I've had the feeling
           I've been doing the same things over and over
           again for the past thirty years.  You may want to
           try the other side of the Island. You may find
           what you're looking for there.

Picard: Thank you Professor, and good luck.

Professor: By all means, and good luck to you.

 (Cut again to commercial - some people use the
bathroom, others go to the refrigerator. After
another 2 minutes we return.  As the away team
makes its' way across the island, the terrain
changes from lush forest to scrub brush and sand
dotted by large rocks)

Riker:  You know, Captain, it's almost as if we're on one of
        our own holo decks.

Picard: Hmmm. I've had the same feeling myself, the way the
        terrain keeps changing.

Worf:   Captain, look.

Picard: What is it, Mr. Worf?

Worf:   It appears to be a space ship sir.

Picard: Data?

Data:   Confirmed Captain, Power emanations are coming
        from beneath the craft.

(The ship is a silver saucer shaped vessel half
buried in the sand with one large window in the
front.  As they approach the ship they see 3 men, 2
women, a girl, a boy, and a robot.  All are working
except for one man lounging in the shade.  One of
the women goes up to one of the men and takes hold
of his arm and points at the away team)

Woman:  John, look.

John:   Well, I'll be.

(they all drop what they are doing and approach
the party)

John:   Welcome to our camp.  I'm Professor John Robinson,
        this is my wife (indicating the older woman), my
        daughter Judy (indicating the attractive blond), my
        daughter Penny (indicating a teenage brunette), and
        my son Will (the boy).  Thats Don West, my pilot
        and navigator.

Don:    And that useless lump of flesh is Dr. Smith.

Smith:  After all the times I've tried to help and this is
        the thanks I get.

Don:    Help?  If it wasn't for you we wouldn't be in this
        mess at all.

Smith:  Oh, the pain - the pain.

John:   Enough, Don, beating up on him won't help.  Oh, and
        yes of course, our robot.

Picard: Greetings, I'm Captain Jean Luc Picard of the Star
        Ship Enterprise.  This is my first Officer William
        Riker, Lt. Commander Data and Lieutenant Worf, my
        tactical Officer.

Riker:  (smirking) Judy.

Judy:   (smiling) Commander.

Don:    Grrrrrr.

Worf:   Spoken like a true Klingon

Picard: Enough, Will - haven't we already discussed this.

Will:   But we just met, sir.

Picard: I meant the other Will.

Riker:  Sorry sir, but I thought she might be alien.

John:   You said you were from a Star Ship.  How did you
        get here - thats supposed to be on NBC?

Data:   We believe it has to do with the syndication.

Don:    (to Data) Just what are you, anyway?

Data:   I am an android, sir.

Will:   Oh boy, an android, thats beats a robot any old
        day.

Robot:  Warning! Danger Will Robinson.

(Will pulls the robots power pack)

Robot:  Dangerrrrrr(slump)

Don:    Well, Captain, it looks like we have something in
        common, we both have robots.

Data:   I am an android, not a robot.

Don:    Semantics.

Will:   (to Data) Do you want to go mess with alien
        machines?

John:   I'm sure Data has other duties to attend to.

Will:   But dad, he's an android.

John:   Why don't you and the robot go play.

Will:   Oh, all right. (plugging in power pack) Come on
        robot, lets go.

Robot:  Danger! Warning!

Will:   Don't worry, Robot, you're still my best friend.

Robot:  Shall we play melt down on Solaris 5?

Will:   (leaving with robot) Sure, but do you think you can
         get Deutronium ore to critical mass?

John:   What was it you were saying about a syndicate?

Data:   We have been forced to repeat the same things over
        and over again.  The only logical explanation is
        the syndication.  Our readings indicate that it is
        in or below your vessel.

Mrs. Robinson: In the Jupiter Two?

Data:   We have reason to believe so, yes.

John:   What your looking for may be in the engine room.
        For as long as I've been on this show I never
        could understand how a ship this small could have
        such an enormous engine room.

Picard: Professor, do you mind if we have a look around?

John:   Not at all, I'll show you the way.

(They enter the Jupiter two, it does indeed seem
larger on the inside than on the outside.  they go
to the lower level one at a time on a tiny elevator)

Picard: You have a most impressive vessel

John:   You haven't seen anything yet (he opens a hatch)
        come in here.

(They pass through the hatch and enter an engine
room much too large for the size of the ship)

John:   What did I tell you.

Picard: This room is indeed too large for the size of your
        ship.  Mr. Data, any ideas?

Data:   Yes sir.  The engine room was not featured until
        later episodes.  By that time it was too late to
        change the outward appearance.  So they added this
        room and hoped no one would notice.

John:   That makes sense.

Picard: Data can you locate the source of the emanations?

Data:   They are coming from behind this hatch.

John:   Another hatch?  I never noticed that before.

Picard: Can you open it Data?

(Data pulls the hatch away, exposing a passage way
to another room)

Data:   The source of our troubles is in there.

Picard: Thank you for your assistance, Professor Robinson,
        good luck to you and your family.

John:   My pleasure Captain, good luck to you as well.

Picard: Let us proceed, gentlemen.

(As they pass through the hatch they find
themselves in a room with hundreds of television
screens, each playing endless reruns of old shows.
A man in a three piece suit is frantically working
the equipment, he looks up and sees Picard and
crew)

Man:    You're too late, too late. haa haaa haaa haaa haaa.

Data:   As I suspected.

Picard: You recognize him, Data?

Data:   Yes sir.  That is Brendan Tartikoff, President of
        NBC.

Picard: The man responsible for killing Star Trek?

Data:   Not directly, no.

Tartikoff: You thought you could take it away from me
           didn't you, but you were wrong.  One little
           mistake, just one little mistake.  We would have
           made it up to you but you went with someone else.
           All that profit should have been mine, MINE, but
           now you will pay.

Picard: This must be the malevolent presence Counselor
        Troi felt. (hitting his communicator) Picard to
        Enterprise.

Communicator: Enterprise here sir.

Picard: We've found a man in a state of psychosis, please
        send down Dr. Crusher.

Communicator:  Affirmative, Captain, She's on her way.

(moments later Beverly appears in the room)

Picard: Dr., that man needs help, can you do anything?

Beverly: I'll see what I can do.

Picard: Mr. Data, is this equipment the cause of our
        troubles?

Data:   Yes sir, it must be destroyed.

Picard: Dr., how are you coming?

Beverly: With difficulty, Jean Luc.  This man is not Human.

Picard: Not Human?

Beverly: No sir.  He appears to be Ferengi.

Riker:  That explains things.

Picard: Well, then, get him out of the way, we have work to
        do.

Beverly: (touching communicator) Enterprise, two to beam
         directly to sick bay.

(in flashes and sparkles the two disappear)

Picard: Mr. Data, how do we destroy this thing.

Data:   A concentrated Phaser blast just to the right of
        that Dolphin should do the trick.

Picard: Proceed.

(in unison the quartet draws their phasers and
blasts at the point indicated by data.  Over the
whine of the phasers they hear. "Flipper, Flipper,
king of the ocean snap, sizzle, crackle, pop
KAAABOOOOM".  The blast knocks them all against
the wall; the screens then go dead)

Picard: Anybody hurt?

Riker:  I don't think so.

Data:   Fully functional sir.

Picard: Mr. Worf, are you injured?

Worf:   I am fine, sir.

Riker:  Yeah, well, you wouldn't tell us any way.

(Picards communicator trills)

Picard: (slapping communicator) Picard here, what is it,
        Enterprise?

Communicator: LaForge here sir, I don't know what you did,
              sir, but we're reading a static warp bubble and its
              shrinking rapidly.

Picard: Any danger to the ship?

Geordi :I should say so sir, if or should I say when it
        hits the antimatter pods we go boom.

Picard: How much time?

Geordi: About 5 minutes sir.

Riker:  Thats what he must of meant when he said it was
        too late.

Picard: Beam us directly to the bridge.

Geordi: Aye, sir.

(Within moments their vision begins to sparkle,
when it returns to normal they are on the bridge)

Picard: Mr. Data, see if that wall moves.

Data:   The wall is solid sir.

Picard: Do the doors work?

Data:   Yes sir, all doors read as functional.

Picard: Good, then we're in the right place.  How much time
        do we have?

Spock:  4 minutes 30 seconds Captain.

Picard: Spock?  What are you doing here?  You're supposed
        to be on Romulus?

Spock:  Apparently not, since I am here.

Picard: What happened to Riker.

Spock:  I am unable to answer that question since I don't
        know of whom you speak.

Picard: Commander Riker, my First Officer!

Spock:  I am First Officer of the Enterprise.

Picard: I don't understand.

Data:   It is due to the destruction of the syndication
        and the warp bubble sir.  We are merging with the
        old series.

Checkov: Yes, syndication - a Russian Inwention.

Picard: How do we stop the warp bubble?

Spock:  A force chamber implosion of the matter-antimatter
        reactor at magnitude six should dispel the bubble
        with little danger to the ship.

Picard: Will it work?

Spock:  I don't see why not, we used to do it all the
        time.

Picard: Make it so.  How long will it take?

Spock:  I'm feeding the formulas to engineering now.

Intercom: Captin, yae gotta talk ta tha crazy Vulcan, me
          poor wee bairns canna take the strain.

Picard: (to ceiling) Who is this and what happened to my
        chief engineer Mr. LaForge.

Intercom: This is Lt. Commander Scott, sair, an I'm Chief
          engineer on tha Enterprise.

Data:   More results of the bubble sir.

Picard: Well, Mr. Scott, or whoever you think you are. Just
        be ready to act on those formulas on my order.

Scotty: But sair, tha engines canna take the poundin',
        theres no knowin what she'll do.

Picard: Dammit, Scotty, we're running out of time, (mumbling
        to himself) how did Kirk ever put up with that
        man.

Scotty: Aye sair, we'll be ready.

(As the build up to reaction takes place, the
Enterprise begins to shake violently)

Intercom: (mans voice) Can't you folks keep it still up
          there? My God, I have a patient down here who needs
          rest.

Picard: Who is this?

Intercom: This is your Chief Medical Officer - who do you
          think it is?

Picard: My Chief Medical Officer is supposed to be a
        woman.

Intercom: Dammit Jim I'm a Doctor not a Transvestite.
          Leonard McCoy is Chief Medical Officer aboard the
          Enterprise.  Now stop shaking this thing, will you?

Picard: I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Spock:  Count down to Implosion beginning now. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.

Picard: Engage.

(As the reaction takes over, a blinding white
light surrounds the Enterprise, as it diminishes
the Enterprise floats silently on a back ground of
studded velvet)

Picard: (to ceiling) Picard to sick bay, Dr. McCoy, how is
        our visitor doing?

Intercom: (Beverly's voice) McCoy, sir?

Picard: Sorry Dr..  How's our guest?

Beverly: He's gone sir, he must have been connected to the
        bubble some how.

Picard: I see.  Mr. Spock - Status please.

Riker:  Beg your pardon, sir?  Spock's on Romulus.

Picard: Oh, sorry, Number One.  What's our condition?

Riker:  Minor damage to some of the energy conduits on
        decks 3 through 17.  But nothing we can't handle.

Picard: (to ceiling) Engineering?

intercom: LaForge here, sir.

Picard: (muttering) Good thing I waited.

Intercom: What's that, sir?

Picard: Nothing Commander, how's the status down there?

Intercom: She's purring like a kitten, sir.

Picard: Very good.  Mr. Data, take us home, warp factor six.

Data:   Warp factor six. Aye, sir.

Picard: Engage.

(Shot of Enterprise from space, as the end credits
roll by neon blue increases around the warp
nacelles, the ship moves forward and vanishes with
a bright white flash)

                            THE END