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1993-02-04
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938 lines
("cleaned up" by Ray Brown, TFDN_PL, @ 1:135/70)
STAR TREK: THE PEPSI GENERATION
A ST:TNG Parody (duh!)
written by RYAN K. JOHNSON and DARRELL BRATZ
additional material by GREG COX, JULIA MEULLER,
MICHAEL DELGADO, and CYN MASON
videography and editing by ALAN M. HALFHILL
produced and directed by RYAN K. JOHNSON
Sometime in the 24th Century...
THEME MUSIC
FADE UP on CAPTAIN PICKIE's ready room. He sitting at his desk, writing his
entry in the captain's log.
CAPTAIN PICKIE: Space... the final frontier. These are the voyages of the
starship Enterprise. Her ongoing mission, seek new life, to explore
strange new worlds, to boldly go where no man has gone before.
Music crescendo. Pickie looks up in thought, then begins scratching out
words in the entry.
PICKIE: Sexist. Uh... where no *human* has gone before. Nonono no...
racist. Uh... let's see... where no carbon-based... nononono...
silicon... no. Um... particulate entity with any sentient
characteristics *whatsoever* has gone before. Ah!
He looks at the camera.
PICKIE: Roll titles!
MAIN TITLES - The Enteritis flies by the screen, looking suspiciously like
it's made of Pepsi cans and frisbees. After on pass, the logo STAR
TREK: THE PEPSI GENERATION appears. The Enteritis appears and crashes
into the logo, which is in its way. The music skips a track as the
Enteritis and the logo fall off screen.
FADE TO - "The Jetsons" is playing on TV. Pull back to reveal it is the
main viewscreen of the Enteritis bridge, which looks suspiciously like
someone's apartment. PICKIE, DOO-DAH, SEX TOII, an ENSIGN, and WOOF
are at their stations.
PICKIE'S VOICEOVER: Captain's Star Log, Number 131, Page 23. Young Weasley
Crushme, when tampering with the interior decorating computer, has
transformed the ship into a late-20th century, fully-furnished
apartment. As a result, I am requiring him to take out the garbage on
level 5 until he returns the ship to normalcy.
DOODAH: Captain, the Away Team signals that they're ready to beam up. And
there's been trouble.
PICKIE: Beam them up, on the double. Have them transported directly to the
bridge.
DOODAH: Bridge?
PICKIE: The living room, okay? Over there by the Chesterfield will be fine.
The away team of YAHAH, RIGOR, and JORDACHE materializes. Yahah is
supporting Rigor.
YAHAH: Captain! There were aliens on the planet surface! I managed to kill
only 15 of them before ascertaining they were non-hostile.
PICKIE: Good work, Yahah! Rigor, your report on planet Woodstock.
RIGOR: Hey, I like that haircut, Captain, Pickie.
PICKIE: Number One, you will address me as "sir."
RIGOR: Sorry, sir. I was merely complimenting you on your fine follicle
formation. BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
PICKIE: Number One! Get up! Snap to, and stand at attention!
RIGOR: I like that uniform, too! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
YAHAH: I could kill him, sir.
PICKIE: That won't be necessary... Lieutenant Woof! Restrain him!
Woof (who is a Doberman in a Starfleet uniform) leaps over and knocks Rigor
down. Suddenly, the alert klaxons begin sounding.
DOODAH: Red Alert, Captain. Message from Starfleet. All the Pepsi is
missing from Starbase Seven-Up. And the Ferrari are involved...
Camera closes on Pickie.
PICKIE: The Ferrari...
He looks into the camera, then begins making funny faces.
CUT TO
The Enteritis comes into orbit around a planet. In a cheap special effect,
we notice that the ship model is actually bigger than the planet
model.
CUT TO
Back to the Enteritis bridge. Jordache is at the helm. His VISOR looks
remarkably like a Cylon eyepiece.
JORDACHE: We're orbiting around planet Nutrasweet Five, captain.
PICKIE: Let's see it. Switch on main viewer.
JORDACHE: Huh?
PICKIE: You know... the TV thing...
DOODAH: Affirmative.
Doodah switches on the screen, and a planet appears.
DOODAH: The Ferrari are holding all the Pepsi down there.
PICKIE: How can you be sure?
On screen, a very large sign appears on the planet that reads "Last Pepsi
for 5,000,000 Light Years. Ferrari Bottling Company."
DOODAH: Just a hunch, sir.
PICKIE: Opinions, everyone.
YAHAH: Let's kill 'em.
RIGOR: I think we should do lots and lots of drugs, sir.
SEX TOII: Captain, I sense... boredom... intense boredom from them...
PICKIE: From the Ferrari?
SEX TOII: No... the audience...
Pickie pulls out a Radio Shack Executive Decision Maker and presses a
button. It gives its decision and he hides it from the others.
PICKIE: I think we should, uh, beam down and investigate.
DOODAH: May I remind the captain that he has important duties aboard the
ship which preclude his beaming down.
PICKIE: That's right! I'm meeting with Doctor Crushme to demonstrate, uh,
discuss sex education for the school-age children on board.
Everyone on the bridge begins snickering.
PICKIE: But that's not important! Besides, Commander Rigor is in no shape
to lead the Away Team.
RIGOR: Hey, man! I'm in total control!
He falls out of his chair.
PICKIE: Right. Ready to beam down, then. Bring Weasley along... maybe we
can lose him in a snake pit or something...
SEX TOII: Captain, I advise you to reconsider... I feel something terrible
is going to happen.
Rigor lurches to his feet, accidentally pulling on Toii's hair. It's a wig,
and she is completely bald! Both are shocked.
RIGOR: Hey! It's Persis Khambattha!
Toii runs screaming from the bridge, down a hall, and past a conference
room, where the screenwriters (A.C., D.C., and H.E.) are discussing
future episodes.
Toii runs screaming from the bridge, down a hall, and past a conference
room, where the screenwriters (A.C., D.C., and H.E.) are discussing
future episodes.
A.C.: Okay, how about, next week, Captain Pickie lands on a planet full of
Nazis?
D.C.: No, nonono... I've got it! A beautiful woman steals Doodah's brain!
H.E.: Oh, I hate it! Ghoddam it! Who put me on this show! This is the worst
piece of bugfuching crap I've ever worked on! That's right, that's
right, tell 'em I'm going to walk, okay! I quit, okay!
A.C.: How about... we get all these little fuzzballs?
D.C.: And we can drop them on the captain's head!
A.C.: Yeah! He needs a toupee...
Weasley Crushme walks by and we follow him back to the bridge, where Rigor
is secretly trying to put Sex Toii's wig on Captain Pickie.
WEASLEY: Boyoboy, I get to beam down to the planet. Thanks a lot, Jean
Luke, uh, Captain. Can we bring the robot with us?
PICKIE: No, Commander Rigor won't be joining us this time... you can bring
Doodah, instead. Ready to beam down! Ensign Expendable, report to the
bridge!
RIGOR: Hey, waitaminnit! You're not going to leave me here with Woof, are
you? He tried to hump my leg last time...
Pickie, Jordache, Yahah, Weasley, and Doodah are in position for beaming.
Ensign Expendable arrives. He is wearing an original series uniform
with a target on the back.
PICKIE: Energize.
Nothing happens. Everyone looks at Weasley.
PICKIE: Weas-ley....
WEASLEY: Sorry, Captain. I thought it might be fun to disassemble the
transporter for the shipboard science fair...
CUT TO - Enteritis in orbit around the planet.
PICKIE'S VOICEOVER: Captain's Log, supplemental. Due to transporter
difficulties, we have decided to *jump* to the planet surface.
CUT TO - Planet surface. The Away Team lands and bounces.
PICKIE: Enterprise. Down and safe.
DOODAH: Boy, do our ankles hurt.
PICKIE: Ensign, I want you to...
YAHAH: Captain, look! Ensign Expendable!
She points to the ground, where we see two boots sticking out of the dirt.
PICKIE: Damn. That's the first crewmember I've lost.
DOODAH: At least he used his head.
PICKIE: Well, there's only twenty-five minutes left in this episode, so
we'd better split up. Jordache, Yahah, and I will go that way...
Doodah, you take Weasley and look for Plot Complication #2.
They all head off.
FADE TO - Following Weasley and Doodah.
WEASLEY: What race built you, Mr. Doodah?
DOODAH: Camptown!
We hear a rustle in the bushes.
DOODAH: Danger, warning, Will Robinson!
WEASLEY: The Ferrari!
CUT TO - Another forest path. Yahah, Pickie, and Jordache are through the
brush. Jordache is stumblimg and running into every tree in his way.
PICKIE: ...After the Great Cola Wars ended, and we were left with the
Aftertaste of the New Generation, Pepsi became the official drink of
Starfleet in the 2288 Winter Olympics. Now the Ferrari must be
attempting the revive an ancient rival with Pepsi in what must be a
satanic ritual that is so disgusting, so *evil*, that common decency
prevents me from describing it in this plot exposition.
JORDACHE: Look, sir!
He points and then falls down. We see the FERRARI (guys on their knees, in
overcoats and moose-antler baseball caps, playing with Chinese yoyos)
standing in front of a giant curtain in the woods. They have formed a
ring around Doodah and Weasley. The Head Ferrari sees the three
crewmen.
FERRARI #2: The Enteritis, the Enteritis!
FERRARI #3: Look, over there! Two male humans! And they're wearing clothes,
too!
YAHAH: Hey, guys, what about me? Hey!
Pickie and his group approach the Ferrari.
PICKIE: I demand, the name of Starfleet, in clear view of participation to
know who I'm dealing with!
HEAD FERRARI: I'm Ravioli!
FERRARI #2: I'm Linguini!
FERRARI #3: I'm Calvini!
FERRARI #4: I'm Spaghetti!
FERRARI #5: I'm Calzone!
FERRARI #6: I'm Fettucini!
ALL FERRARI: And we're the *Ferrari*!!!
FERRARI #2: Follow the Yellow Brick Road!
Ravioli punches the stupid one, and they all begin punching and shoving
each other, acting childish. This goes on for a moment.
DOODAH: They just don't make bad guys like they used to...
DOODAH: They just don't make bad guys like they used to...
PICKIE: We demand the return of all Pepsi products... except for Cherry
Seven-Up... *immediately*!!!
RAVIOLI: Get stuffed, Picard! We know your Prime Directive prevents you
from interfering!
PICKIE: Damn! Who told you that?
The Head Ferrari points at Doodah.
RAVIOLI: He did!
PICKIE: Doodah! How could you?
DOODAH: It seemed like an important plot complication, sir.
RAVIOLI: Enough, Picard... Separate them! Put the two over there, and the
black one over there!
JORDACHE: Waitaminnit, who's black?
PICKIE: Black? I... I... I don't see any black people...
RAVIOLI: Uh, he's black!
He points at Jordache.
JORDACHE: I'm black? Nobody ever told me that... tell me the truth, am I
black?
PICKIE: Just a minute, Ravioli... Ah... I... I demand to see your boss!
RAVIOLI: The Boss?
ALL FERRARI: The... BOSS???
All the Ferrari cower behind Ravioli.
RAVIOLI: Very well, then... THE BOSS!!!
He gestures, and the curtains pull back to reveal... a screen.
YAHAH: My Ghod, Captain, these people worship a large empty screen!
PICKIE: No... look!
On the screen, the visage of MAX HEADROOM appears.
MAX: Yes, that's how I know!
WEASLEY: Wow, it's David Letterman!
MAX: Bury those dwarves!
The screen goes blank. Pickie turns to Ravioli.
PICKIE: Okay, Ravioli, you've got us. Sure, three hundred years ago, our
ancestors may exercised their ghod-given right to maim and kill
whoever stood in their way... I have one thing to say in our
defense... we got better...
The Ferrari look bored, and ignore Pickie & Co.
YAHAH: Please, Captain, let me kill just *one*...
PICKIE: Down, Yahah... the Prime Directive is our most important law. If we
were to break it, we would be no better than them. So we'll leave now,
and find other ways to explore strange new worlds without the cold,
refreshing taste of Pepsi.
He turns and walks away with Yahah and Jordache. After only a few steps, he
stops and pulls a phaser.
PICKIE: Oh, to *hell* with the Prime Directive!
He turns and beings firing. The Ferrari start running, but Yahah starts
kicking and jumping. Doodah takes out a few, while Jordache blindly
stumbles away in the wrong direction. Finally, the battle is over, but
Pickie is still firing. He finally stops, and blows across the muzzle
of his phaser. Everyone comes over to him.
YAHAH: But Captain, what will Starfleet say?
PICKIE: Not to worry, Yahah, we've got Jordache as an eye-witness!
Weasley comes bounding over.
WEASLEY: Good work, Captain!
Pickie takes Weasley in two and begins walking out of frame.
PICKIE: Thank you. Tell me, Weasley, have you ever watched any... gladiator
movies?
WEASLEY: Not that I know of...
The other crewmembers look at each other knowingly.
FADE TO - The Enteritis begins to pull out of orbit, but a spinning police
box runs into it and is knocked off course as we
FADE TO BLACK
Original production credits:
Produced and directed by RYAN K. JOHNSON
written by RYAN K. JOHNSON and DARRELL BRATZ
additional material by GREG COX, JULIA MUELLER,
MICHELLE DELGADO, and CYN MASON
videography and editing by ALAN M. HALFHILL
starring
MICHAEL SANTO Pickie, a Captain
GARY WEISS Doodah, a robot
JULIA MUELLER Yahah, into violence
RAVEN Jordache, a LaForgery
CONAN MacLAFFERTY Weasley, a pain
JEFF HARRIS Morris Rigor, on drugs
DORIS O'CONNOR Sex Toii, a Betamax
AVON Woof, a dog
CHRIS RIMPLE Ensign Expendable
ERIC BARNEY Navigator, an extra
D.J. DRISCOLL A.C., a writer
T. BRIAN WAGNER D.C., a writer
RYAN K. JOHNSON H.E., a loud writer
TONY CASE Ravioli, Head Ferrari
IAN SMITHERS Linguini
SHARON DEMUTH Calzone
JOE PINTHA Calvini
MIKE FLYNN Spaghetti
HADLEY HULL Fettucini
Original Theme by DENNIS McCARTHY (Yo, Dennis! Thanks!)
Music score by ALEXANDER COURAGE, JERRY GOLDSMITH, DENNIS McCARTHY,
FRED STEINER, RON JONES, and anyone else we could rip off!
special defects by COMMERCIAL DARKNESS AND SORCERY
The producers would like to thank the following special guest stars for
appearing in this production:
DAVID LETTERMAN, THE JETSONS, and WILLIAM SHATNER'S TOUPEE
original soundtrack on GNP CRESCENDO RECORDS (just kidding, Neil)
STAR TREK is a trademark of Paramount Pictures Corporation. All Rights are
reserved to them and for them, but we ripped them off anyway.
PEPSI is the trademark of the Pepsi-Cola Corporation. But a lot of us
prefer and drink Coke.
STAR TREK was created by GENE RODDENBERRY (and we destroyed it... haha)
FADE UP - Enteritis approaches the camera. We hear Pickie's voiceover.
PICKIE: Ahead Warp Factor One.
The Enteritis drops straight down off the screen, very fast.
PICKIE: Not that waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy!
FADE OUT
THE END (?)
(c)1988 Seattle International Films and Ryan K. Johnson
Seattle International Films
PO BOX 85418
Seattle, WA 98145