("cleaned up" by Ray Brown, TFDN_PL, @ 1:135/70) STAR TREK: THE PEPSI GENERATION A ST:TNG Parody (duh!) written by RYAN K. JOHNSON and DARRELL BRATZ additional material by GREG COX, JULIA MEULLER, MICHAEL DELGADO, and CYN MASON videography and editing by ALAN M. HALFHILL produced and directed by RYAN K. JOHNSON Sometime in the 24th Century... THEME MUSIC FADE UP on CAPTAIN PICKIE's ready room. He sitting at his desk, writing his entry in the captain's log. CAPTAIN PICKIE: Space... the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Her ongoing mission, seek new life, to explore strange new worlds, to boldly go where no man has gone before. Music crescendo. Pickie looks up in thought, then begins scratching out words in the entry. PICKIE: Sexist. Uh... where no *human* has gone before. Nonono no... racist. Uh... let's see... where no carbon-based... nononono... silicon... no. Um... particulate entity with any sentient characteristics *whatsoever* has gone before. Ah! He looks at the camera. PICKIE: Roll titles! MAIN TITLES - The Enteritis flies by the screen, looking suspiciously like it's made of Pepsi cans and frisbees. After on pass, the logo STAR TREK: THE PEPSI GENERATION appears. The Enteritis appears and crashes into the logo, which is in its way. The music skips a track as the Enteritis and the logo fall off screen. FADE TO - "The Jetsons" is playing on TV. Pull back to reveal it is the main viewscreen of the Enteritis bridge, which looks suspiciously like someone's apartment. PICKIE, DOO-DAH, SEX TOII, an ENSIGN, and WOOF are at their stations. PICKIE'S VOICEOVER: Captain's Star Log, Number 131, Page 23. Young Weasley Crushme, when tampering with the interior decorating computer, has transformed the ship into a late-20th century, fully-furnished apartment. As a result, I am requiring him to take out the garbage on level 5 until he returns the ship to normalcy. DOODAH: Captain, the Away Team signals that they're ready to beam up. And there's been trouble. PICKIE: Beam them up, on the double. Have them transported directly to the bridge. DOODAH: Bridge? PICKIE: The living room, okay? Over there by the Chesterfield will be fine. The away team of YAHAH, RIGOR, and JORDACHE materializes. Yahah is supporting Rigor. YAHAH: Captain! There were aliens on the planet surface! I managed to kill only 15 of them before ascertaining they were non-hostile. PICKIE: Good work, Yahah! Rigor, your report on planet Woodstock. RIGOR: Hey, I like that haircut, Captain, Pickie. PICKIE: Number One, you will address me as "sir." RIGOR: Sorry, sir. I was merely complimenting you on your fine follicle formation. BAHAHAHAHAHA!!! PICKIE: Number One! Get up! Snap to, and stand at attention! RIGOR: I like that uniform, too! HAHAHAHAHAHA! YAHAH: I could kill him, sir. PICKIE: That won't be necessary... Lieutenant Woof! Restrain him! Woof (who is a Doberman in a Starfleet uniform) leaps over and knocks Rigor down. Suddenly, the alert klaxons begin sounding. DOODAH: Red Alert, Captain. Message from Starfleet. All the Pepsi is missing from Starbase Seven-Up. And the Ferrari are involved... Camera closes on Pickie. PICKIE: The Ferrari... He looks into the camera, then begins making funny faces. CUT TO The Enteritis comes into orbit around a planet. In a cheap special effect, we notice that the ship model is actually bigger than the planet model. CUT TO Back to the Enteritis bridge. Jordache is at the helm. His VISOR looks remarkably like a Cylon eyepiece. JORDACHE: We're orbiting around planet Nutrasweet Five, captain. PICKIE: Let's see it. Switch on main viewer. JORDACHE: Huh? PICKIE: You know... the TV thing... DOODAH: Affirmative. Doodah switches on the screen, and a planet appears. DOODAH: The Ferrari are holding all the Pepsi down there. PICKIE: How can you be sure? On screen, a very large sign appears on the planet that reads "Last Pepsi for 5,000,000 Light Years. Ferrari Bottling Company." DOODAH: Just a hunch, sir. PICKIE: Opinions, everyone. YAHAH: Let's kill 'em. RIGOR: I think we should do lots and lots of drugs, sir. SEX TOII: Captain, I sense... boredom... intense boredom from them... PICKIE: From the Ferrari? SEX TOII: No... the audience... Pickie pulls out a Radio Shack Executive Decision Maker and presses a button. It gives its decision and he hides it from the others. PICKIE: I think we should, uh, beam down and investigate. DOODAH: May I remind the captain that he has important duties aboard the ship which preclude his beaming down. PICKIE: That's right! I'm meeting with Doctor Crushme to demonstrate, uh, discuss sex education for the school-age children on board. Everyone on the bridge begins snickering. PICKIE: But that's not important! Besides, Commander Rigor is in no shape to lead the Away Team. RIGOR: Hey, man! I'm in total control! He falls out of his chair. PICKIE: Right. Ready to beam down, then. Bring Weasley along... maybe we can lose him in a snake pit or something... SEX TOII: Captain, I advise you to reconsider... I feel something terrible is going to happen. Rigor lurches to his feet, accidentally pulling on Toii's hair. It's a wig, and she is completely bald! Both are shocked. RIGOR: Hey! It's Persis Khambattha! Toii runs screaming from the bridge, down a hall, and past a conference room, where the screenwriters (A.C., D.C., and H.E.) are discussing future episodes. Toii runs screaming from the bridge, down a hall, and past a conference room, where the screenwriters (A.C., D.C., and H.E.) are discussing future episodes. A.C.: Okay, how about, next week, Captain Pickie lands on a planet full of Nazis? D.C.: No, nonono... I've got it! A beautiful woman steals Doodah's brain! H.E.: Oh, I hate it! Ghoddam it! Who put me on this show! This is the worst piece of bugfuching crap I've ever worked on! That's right, that's right, tell 'em I'm going to walk, okay! I quit, okay! A.C.: How about... we get all these little fuzzballs? D.C.: And we can drop them on the captain's head! A.C.: Yeah! He needs a toupee... Weasley Crushme walks by and we follow him back to the bridge, where Rigor is secretly trying to put Sex Toii's wig on Captain Pickie. WEASLEY: Boyoboy, I get to beam down to the planet. Thanks a lot, Jean Luke, uh, Captain. Can we bring the robot with us? PICKIE: No, Commander Rigor won't be joining us this time... you can bring Doodah, instead. Ready to beam down! Ensign Expendable, report to the bridge! RIGOR: Hey, waitaminnit! You're not going to leave me here with Woof, are you? He tried to hump my leg last time... Pickie, Jordache, Yahah, Weasley, and Doodah are in position for beaming. Ensign Expendable arrives. He is wearing an original series uniform with a target on the back. PICKIE: Energize. Nothing happens. Everyone looks at Weasley. PICKIE: Weas-ley.... WEASLEY: Sorry, Captain. I thought it might be fun to disassemble the transporter for the shipboard science fair... CUT TO - Enteritis in orbit around the planet. PICKIE'S VOICEOVER: Captain's Log, supplemental. Due to transporter difficulties, we have decided to *jump* to the planet surface. CUT TO - Planet surface. The Away Team lands and bounces. PICKIE: Enterprise. Down and safe. DOODAH: Boy, do our ankles hurt. PICKIE: Ensign, I want you to... YAHAH: Captain, look! Ensign Expendable! She points to the ground, where we see two boots sticking out of the dirt. PICKIE: Damn. That's the first crewmember I've lost. DOODAH: At least he used his head. PICKIE: Well, there's only twenty-five minutes left in this episode, so we'd better split up. Jordache, Yahah, and I will go that way... Doodah, you take Weasley and look for Plot Complication #2. They all head off. FADE TO - Following Weasley and Doodah. WEASLEY: What race built you, Mr. Doodah? DOODAH: Camptown! We hear a rustle in the bushes. DOODAH: Danger, warning, Will Robinson! WEASLEY: The Ferrari! CUT TO - Another forest path. Yahah, Pickie, and Jordache are through the brush. Jordache is stumblimg and running into every tree in his way. PICKIE: ...After the Great Cola Wars ended, and we were left with the Aftertaste of the New Generation, Pepsi became the official drink of Starfleet in the 2288 Winter Olympics. Now the Ferrari must be attempting the revive an ancient rival with Pepsi in what must be a satanic ritual that is so disgusting, so *evil*, that common decency prevents me from describing it in this plot exposition. JORDACHE: Look, sir! He points and then falls down. We see the FERRARI (guys on their knees, in overcoats and moose-antler baseball caps, playing with Chinese yoyos) standing in front of a giant curtain in the woods. They have formed a ring around Doodah and Weasley. The Head Ferrari sees the three crewmen. FERRARI #2: The Enteritis, the Enteritis! FERRARI #3: Look, over there! Two male humans! And they're wearing clothes, too! YAHAH: Hey, guys, what about me? Hey! Pickie and his group approach the Ferrari. PICKIE: I demand, the name of Starfleet, in clear view of participation to know who I'm dealing with! HEAD FERRARI: I'm Ravioli! FERRARI #2: I'm Linguini! FERRARI #3: I'm Calvini! FERRARI #4: I'm Spaghetti! FERRARI #5: I'm Calzone! FERRARI #6: I'm Fettucini! ALL FERRARI: And we're the *Ferrari*!!! FERRARI #2: Follow the Yellow Brick Road! Ravioli punches the stupid one, and they all begin punching and shoving each other, acting childish. This goes on for a moment. DOODAH: They just don't make bad guys like they used to... DOODAH: They just don't make bad guys like they used to... PICKIE: We demand the return of all Pepsi products... except for Cherry Seven-Up... *immediately*!!! RAVIOLI: Get stuffed, Picard! We know your Prime Directive prevents you from interfering! PICKIE: Damn! Who told you that? The Head Ferrari points at Doodah. RAVIOLI: He did! PICKIE: Doodah! How could you? DOODAH: It seemed like an important plot complication, sir. RAVIOLI: Enough, Picard... Separate them! Put the two over there, and the black one over there! JORDACHE: Waitaminnit, who's black? PICKIE: Black? I... I... I don't see any black people... RAVIOLI: Uh, he's black! He points at Jordache. JORDACHE: I'm black? Nobody ever told me that... tell me the truth, am I black? PICKIE: Just a minute, Ravioli... Ah... I... I demand to see your boss! RAVIOLI: The Boss? ALL FERRARI: The... BOSS??? All the Ferrari cower behind Ravioli. RAVIOLI: Very well, then... THE BOSS!!! He gestures, and the curtains pull back to reveal... a screen. YAHAH: My Ghod, Captain, these people worship a large empty screen! PICKIE: No... look! On the screen, the visage of MAX HEADROOM appears. MAX: Yes, that's how I know! WEASLEY: Wow, it's David Letterman! MAX: Bury those dwarves! The screen goes blank. Pickie turns to Ravioli. PICKIE: Okay, Ravioli, you've got us. Sure, three hundred years ago, our ancestors may exercised their ghod-given right to maim and kill whoever stood in their way... I have one thing to say in our defense... we got better... The Ferrari look bored, and ignore Pickie & Co. YAHAH: Please, Captain, let me kill just *one*... PICKIE: Down, Yahah... the Prime Directive is our most important law. If we were to break it, we would be no better than them. So we'll leave now, and find other ways to explore strange new worlds without the cold, refreshing taste of Pepsi. He turns and walks away with Yahah and Jordache. After only a few steps, he stops and pulls a phaser. PICKIE: Oh, to *hell* with the Prime Directive! He turns and beings firing. The Ferrari start running, but Yahah starts kicking and jumping. Doodah takes out a few, while Jordache blindly stumbles away in the wrong direction. Finally, the battle is over, but Pickie is still firing. He finally stops, and blows across the muzzle of his phaser. Everyone comes over to him. YAHAH: But Captain, what will Starfleet say? PICKIE: Not to worry, Yahah, we've got Jordache as an eye-witness! Weasley comes bounding over. WEASLEY: Good work, Captain! Pickie takes Weasley in two and begins walking out of frame. PICKIE: Thank you. Tell me, Weasley, have you ever watched any... gladiator movies? WEASLEY: Not that I know of... The other crewmembers look at each other knowingly. FADE TO - The Enteritis begins to pull out of orbit, but a spinning police box runs into it and is knocked off course as we FADE TO BLACK Original production credits: Produced and directed by RYAN K. JOHNSON written by RYAN K. JOHNSON and DARRELL BRATZ additional material by GREG COX, JULIA MUELLER, MICHELLE DELGADO, and CYN MASON videography and editing by ALAN M. HALFHILL starring MICHAEL SANTO Pickie, a Captain GARY WEISS Doodah, a robot JULIA MUELLER Yahah, into violence RAVEN Jordache, a LaForgery CONAN MacLAFFERTY Weasley, a pain JEFF HARRIS Morris Rigor, on drugs DORIS O'CONNOR Sex Toii, a Betamax AVON Woof, a dog CHRIS RIMPLE Ensign Expendable ERIC BARNEY Navigator, an extra D.J. DRISCOLL A.C., a writer T. BRIAN WAGNER D.C., a writer RYAN K. JOHNSON H.E., a loud writer TONY CASE Ravioli, Head Ferrari IAN SMITHERS Linguini SHARON DEMUTH Calzone JOE PINTHA Calvini MIKE FLYNN Spaghetti HADLEY HULL Fettucini Original Theme by DENNIS McCARTHY (Yo, Dennis! Thanks!) Music score by ALEXANDER COURAGE, JERRY GOLDSMITH, DENNIS McCARTHY, FRED STEINER, RON JONES, and anyone else we could rip off! special defects by COMMERCIAL DARKNESS AND SORCERY The producers would like to thank the following special guest stars for appearing in this production: DAVID LETTERMAN, THE JETSONS, and WILLIAM SHATNER'S TOUPEE original soundtrack on GNP CRESCENDO RECORDS (just kidding, Neil) STAR TREK is a trademark of Paramount Pictures Corporation. All Rights are reserved to them and for them, but we ripped them off anyway. PEPSI is the trademark of the Pepsi-Cola Corporation. But a lot of us prefer and drink Coke. STAR TREK was created by GENE RODDENBERRY (and we destroyed it... haha) FADE UP - Enteritis approaches the camera. We hear Pickie's voiceover. PICKIE: Ahead Warp Factor One. The Enteritis drops straight down off the screen, very fast. PICKIE: Not that waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy! FADE OUT THE END (?) (c)1988 Seattle International Films and Ryan K. Johnson Seattle International Films PO BOX 85418 Seattle, WA 98145