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TRACKS IN THE SAND
UNCOVERING CHRISTIAN MEN'S ISSUES
On-line issue
Issue #1 - Nov/Dec 1991
Tracks in the Sand is in text file available on BBS's and America On Line
It is uploaded as TRACKV01.TXT, the number is the issue number and year.
Feel free to upload and pass the issue around. We appreceiate letters to
the Editor, comments and articles. You can be added to our mailing list by
contacting us on CompuServe or America On Line.
Computer Board Address
America On Line GSK502 or PeterJac
CompuServe 71461,166
IN THIS ISSUE:
==============
Manhood In Crisis
Testimony of a Sex-Addict
Finding Life in Betrayal
The Absolutes of Homosexuality
Testimony of an Ex-Gay Male
Counterfeit Love,
I Need a Quick Fix
The Invisible Man
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TRACKS IN THE SAND is published by a small group of Christian men.
We believe in the power of Jesus Christ to heal the whole person.
We recognize that we as men often isolate ourselves in the belief that
emotions are not appropriate for us to show, or even to have. Whether this
is the result of abuse in our family of origin, or simply the pressure that
society places on us as men, we see that this isolation can result in
shame, broken families, compulsive/obsessive behavior, depression, anxiety,
addictions, lack of intimacy, people pleasing, rage, eating disorders,
workaholism, stress, and many other behaviors.
When we began to talk amongst ourselves, we realized that we were not
alone. As we began to share our stories with each other, the prison walls
that held us captive began to crumble. This process was not without pain,
but we found that, as a result of our honesty, we were able to have more
satisfying and healthy relationships with others and with God.
It is our desire to provide a vehicle for men to be able to share the
pain that has been locked up inside of them for years, and by so doing,
break the power of shame and condemnation. We encourage the formation of
small men's groups where each can bring his innermost secrets into the
light, allowing other men of faith to minister truth, healing and
acceptance in a safe environment of confidentiality. We aspire to give and
receive ╥Fathering╙ and ╥Brothering╙ which many of us have never received.
The name, Tracks in the Sand, comes from the idea of following someone
who has been where we are going, felt what we are feeling, and experienced
what we are living. It is His tracks that we are following. We hope you
join us as a fellow tracker.
All articles (c) 1991 and remain the property of the author.
Permission to reprint is granted as long as credit is given to both the
author and Tracks in the Sand.
We are not affiliated with, nor funded by any particular church or
other organization. This publication is completely supported by donations
from it's readers to help offset the cost of printing. If you would like
additional copies of this newsletter, or would like to be put on our
mailing list please contact us at our address below. Any financial
contributions or articles for publication should be sent to us at:
Tracks in the Sand
P.O. Box 1828
Tustin, CA 92680
(714) 751-1012
Or you may leave us e-mail for "Tracks1" on America On-Line, PC Link, or
Promenade
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MANHOOD IN CRISIS
by Tom Thompson
"I promised my wife that I'd call you." His voice, quivering and
shame-filled reached out anonymously from his phone booth in Riverside to
my office. "My pornography habit has gotten me into deep trouble this time,
and she has threatened to tell the authorities if I don't get some serious
counseling... this time..." The caller proceeded to describe a painful
life of lust-obsession which had escalated to the point to which he has
begun to molest patients in the hospital where he worked as a male nurse.
This call followed a steady stream of telephone and personal
confessions of men - most of them Christian leaders in the greater Los
Angeles area. Men who, having heard of our advocacy work on behalf of
pornography-related victims and addicts have called to seek support and
steps towards health.
Stewart, (names have been changed) a Sunday School Superintendent in a
prominent Protestant church, called and confessed to a "romantic"
attraction to first and second-grade girls in the classes. Other callers
included Nathan, whose brother was an elder in their church - until his
depression led him to suicide. Upon finding his brother, the family
discovered his apartment was literally crammed full of thousands of dollars
of hard-core pornography!! Then there was the priest in Newport Beach who
was arrested because of his role in a pedophile and child pornography ring
operating out of Mexico. Dozens just like him continue their toxic habits
among our youth, unchecked. Statistics show they will not be apprehended
until an average of 60 children have been violated.
"If the gold rusts, what will the iron do?" -Chaucer
The "sexual revolution" of the sixties, along with it's marketing
campaign, the pornography industry, has spread the toxic messages which
have produced profound weaknesses in the way today╒s male leaders think and
act. Hardcore, degrading pornography has become a curriculum for our
identity, behavior and general expression of manhood.
Leaders whose theology and ethics reject this message are nevertheless
pulled into it╒s seductive grip and are toppling in staggering numbers.
Just recently their public exposure has monopolized the press, shamed their
families and devastated their followers. Names like Jimmy Swaggart, Billy
Preston, Gordon MacDonnald, and Jim Bakker have been widely touted as
symbols of frailty in Christian leadership.
Beyond the institution of the church, the institutions of the
corporation and the family are quickly crumbling in the vacuum created by
these former heroes. Heroes, whose sexuality has become lust-laden, have
had their souls torn and their lives shattered. Men who have become
unwilling impostors are split from their real person; to walk alongside
themselves.
"I have never done it before-stepping out of life into the Alongside
and looking at oneself living as if one were not alive. Do they all do
that in your world, Pieblad?"
C. S. Lewis, Perelandra
And the cycle of addiction and victimization continues. Statistics
and research show these dreadful findings:
* Approximately 25% of today╒s children will be molested by the age of
18,
* Over 100 children are so severely abused in Orange County each day
that the county agencies must intervene; 25 are victims of sexual
abuse,
* Rape is America╒s #1 crime; having increased over 526% since 1965,
* Over 40 sexually transmitted diseases are currently at the epidemic
level. AIDS, having claimed near 1,300 lives in Orange County
alone,
* Sexual addictions and substance addictions (to deaden the shame) are
the coping medication of choice, and claim a huge portion of the
male
culture....
And the church oftentimes is not a part of the solution. In fact, in
many cases the church may be a part of the problem. Her presentation of the
answer must deal with real issues that men face as well as an honest view
of Biblical truth. Consider these facts:
* 80% of all child abuse cases are in churched homes!
* 25% of all clergy are estimated to be sexually addicted!
Some pitfalls in the church are actually heresies which emanate from
weak theology, and lack of understanding in the human development and
recovery process. Popular among these are three heresies:
Heresy #1: "All traumatic influences from one's past magically
disappear upon conversion"
Some of the scriptures used to support this are "laying aside the
past, I press on" and "Therefore, if any man be in Christ, he is a new
creature. Old things have passed away, behold, all things have become
new." The implied message here is that the embracing of one╒s past and a
study of personal frailty is, at best, unproductive and at worst,
unspiritual. Taken out of context, these quotes from St. Paul must be
matched with the exhortations which are replete in Scripture, admonishing
us to carefully and frequently examine our past and personal depth. The
sins I have committed and sin committed against me (Ps 51:5).
Psalm 51 could well be named "The Victim's Psalm," because of it's
progression from personal inventory, "Behold, Thou dost desire truth in the
innermost being. And in the hidden part Thou will make me know wisdom."
v.-6) to ultimate health and rejoicing in timely manner.
Heresy #2: "If I study, memorize and apply the scripture, then my
emotions will follow." This is a strictly cognitive approach to the
"Victorious Christian Life." However, it is neither consistent with the
healing process of the mind and emotions, or with Biblical models. It is
significant that the powerfully strong characters selected by the Holy
Spirit for their inclusion in the Scriptures also display a wild and deep
emotional dynamic. A study of the persons of Peter, Job, Elijah, and the
disciples reveals human terror, depression, anger and doubt - all
uncontested by a Father-God who created and honors the human process.
With the epidemics of early childhood trauma, adult addiction and
depression so prevalent among us, the sensitive application of Scriptural
truth by trained counselors and support groups is most needed for deeply
rooted wounding.
Heresy #3: "Jesus only" Glib application of an oversimplified
understanding of the healing process is another denial system cloaked in
religiosity. This heresy also underplays the employment of spiritual gifts
in the context of the community of faith. Automatic healing of the needs
of the heart- like a fractured ankle- does not usually heal instantly the
day one accepts Christ into his life. This ╥rush toward healing╙ often
produces abscesses of the soul and spirit. The infected wound, covered
quickly becomes venomous and has a life of its own. It ultimately requires
lancing, or the whole body will live in reaction to the growing needs and
pain.
A great crisis experience of Jesus Christ, as important and
externally valuable as it is, is not a shortcut to emotional health. It is
not a quickie cure for personality problems.
Donald E. Sloat, Ph.D. The Dangers of Growing Up in a Christian
Home Thomas Nelson Publishers
If, then the process for restoration of the masculine soul is not in
the taking of "Bible Pills", "Pressing On" or a system involving religious
repression of pain and memory; then what is the answer? We say "The trail
is the curriculum", and we watch community happen. Our support networks
focus on accumulated time with intentional attention to ourselves and our
stories."
- Donald Joy Unfinished Business Victor Books
"We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you."
- II Chron. 20:12b
"Your inadequacy is your first qualification."
The Master and The Disciple, by John Gaynor Banks
"We admit that we were powerless and that our lives had become
unmanageable."
- Step One
The Twelve Steps - A Spiritual Journey
Recovery Publications
Note the Prodigal's Pathway in Luke 15. Many Christian men lead the
life of the older brother in this parable. His achievements were socially
and politically correct, while his repressed anger and hurt separated him
from true intimacy with the father. His status and productivity were
probably greatly hampered by this condition of pain and isolation.
In contrast, the fallen prodigal is shown to courageously take humble
steps which result in grace and re-bonding, father to son.
"I will get up and go to my father...."
The Bible, Luke 15:18
Christianity and the healing process is not simply a "decision" to the
lost son, it is a journey; one step after another. And restoration was not
summed up in a litmus test for the father to administer to the prodigal; he
immediately rushed toward the recovering addict in his stinking condition,
carrying the robe of restoration and the ring of sonship.
"He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their sons, and the hearts
of the sons to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with
a curse."
- Mal 4:6
The great crisis in manhood is indeed a result of our prodigal
generation whose soul has been abandoned by their human lineage, and whose
spirit is separated from their Father, God. This Warrior-God stands
literally in the middle of His scriptures declaring a covenant of hope for
the re-bonding of the tear in the masculine soul. This is incredible news
to my anonymous caller, Jimmy Swaggert, King David, Solomon, St. Augustine
and the rest of us who are struggling with loneliness, abandonment, and
compulsions of our male culture.
The great "bonus" is in the company of Men of Destiny who are
experiencing sonship and grace, men who have been abandoned and wounded by
their fathers and who will be empowered to "father" and "brother╙ each
other - affirming and initiating each other into health and leadership.
Bringing healing to the tear in the masculine soul. These groups actually
become "containers" of Father - Love.
The prodigal's path to leadership is one of integration, wholeness,
humility and balance. Unless we seize the subtlety of his model, we will
be left with the swill and cornhusks of our mundane, aching world. The
prodigal's journey is counter to the "Type A" paths of today╒s male. He
calls us to cease "doing" and start "being." He tells us the way up is
found by descending down, and that:
* Before we become men of exuberance, we must become men of sobriety,
* Before we shout the resurrection, we must weep the crucifixion,
* Before we structure lives of discipline, we must walk steps of
surrender,
* Before we call down the miracles, we must live with the mysteries,
* Before we rush in with answers, we must rest with the questions,
...and
* Before we seize our Destiny, we must commit to the Journey.
(Tom Thompson is a fellow prodigal moving among the Vineyard Christian
Fellowship, Newport Beach, and is Regional Director for the California Care
Coalition. Comment and dialogue is encouraged by contacting the Tracks in
the Sand, or Tom directly at (714) 435-9056)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE INVISIBLE MAN
by Josh Williams
Once upon a time, there was born an Invisible Man. No one made a fuss
about him when he was born because, after all, no one knew he was there.
Many times his mother would forget to change his Invisible Diapers. Taking
care of an Invisible Man, after all, is quite hard. No one saw him take
his first steps, or say his first words. No one could see him at all.
The Invisible Man thought to his Invisible Self that maybe he could be
seen if he cried as loud as he could at night. He would cry and cry and
everyone would say "what is that awful noise?", but no one knew that it was
just the Invisible Man.
"I've got to figure out a way for people to know that I'm here."
thought the Invisible Man. "Crying doesn't work. And since I"m invisible,
no one can see the cute things that I do. Hmm, maybe if I broke something
they'll see me?" And so the Invisible Man began to break things. And, to
his delight, people noticed! Well, actually they noticed what he DID, they
still didn't notice HIM. After all, how could you notice an Invisible Man.
So many things were breaking around the house that the Invisible Man╒s
mother said, "I must take him somewhere". At night, when he cried, she
would take him to his grandmother's house. And during the daytime, she
would take him to nursery school. Because it just wouldn't do to have an
Invisible Man running around loose.
The Invisible Man thought to himself, "Maybe if I put on a mask,
people will see me!" And so the Invisible Man tried very hard to be what
he thought that other people wanted to see. The first mask he tried was
called an "opposite mask." Now this mask had a very happy face. In fact,
the sadder the Invisible Man was, the happier the mask appeared. But it
didn╒t work. Nobody noticed him. He tried a mask for helping other
people, but the more people that he helped, the less he was able to help
himself. He even tried a mask that gave him a feeling of pleasure each
time he used it. But the more he used that mask, the more invisible he
actually became.
And still, no one could see him. "I must not be doing anything right"
he thought. And he began to get very angry about his Invisibility. "No
one ever notices me!," he cried out in despair.
... And how could they?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
FINDING LIFE IN BETRAYAL
by Gary Kalus
It was a cold winter morning. Outside the ice had built up on the
wood framed windows. A two foot blanket of snow covered the ground and all
the trees were stripped of their leaves.
As Stephen looked out the window he was amazed at how lifeless and
still things were. His thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of the
phone. It was his uncle. Stephen could not remember the last time he
talked with him; his uncle would send Stephen a card or letter
occasionally. Something was up. Stephen didn╒t know what, but it was in
the air. They greeted each other with the usual pleasantries of two old
friends. Then like a knife thrust through his rib cage headed for the
heart Stephen╒s uncle said. "Your father is not your real father. He
adopted you when you were two. Your mother was living with another man
when you were born. I have been wanting to tell you this for years. I
cannot live with this secret any longer."
It was out now, and like a great tornado tearing through Stephen╒s
life it clasped and emptied him of everything he thought he was. After
getting all the details he hung the phone up and sat down. He began to
question the lie he lived for thirty-seven years. Who was he? What
answers could he believe coming from someone he could no longer trust.
What was he to do with this? How was he to live now? Where are those
tracks in the sand that will lead him to life? Stephen felt betrayed.
The Bible describes two other famous betrayals which left each man
broken and hopeless. One man chose death and hung himself. The other
chose to live in the emptiness of betrayal. These two men are Judas and
Peter. In the Bible, there are many examples of men being betrayed prior
to being use mightily by God - not withstanding the greatest betrayal of
all - when Christ hung form the cross and cried "Eloi, Eloi, lama
sabachthani?╙ ╥My God, my God why have you betrayed me?"
What can we learn from betrayal? Whenever any of us find ourselves in
the situation of a betrayal, abandonment or rejection we feel vulnerable,
as if a part of us is being destroyed and is dying. It is at this time we
are called to make a journey to turn and live in the betrayal, receiving
all of what God has for us in this experience. We can allow God to take
control of our lives and bring forth His life, where we only encountered
death. How does one let go and die that life may be brought forth. What
happens when I don't accept the betrayal and choose to live in the denial
of the betrayal? How do I make the journey to life?
When we isolate in the betrayal, rejection or abandonment and DO NOT
experience the vulnerability, powerlessness, loss, death and/or emptiness,
often we are in a living death. There are many times we may think we are
terminally unique and no one knows what we are going through. Isolation is
like slipping the noose around our necks and getting ready to jump.
We need to be in a safe place with other men that have been where we
are; men who can stand with us to help us face our fears, powerlessness,
and/or death. We can then be touched by the full impact of our situation.
It is in a community of men that accept us unconditionally that we can make
the journey God is calling us to. There we can comprehend the paradox in
our lives, that in death and destruction we can find life.
Stephen is on this path now. He can begin to make the journey God is
calling him too. In the middle of his devastation he can begin to live.
Or he can go into disbelief and be overpowered by uncontrollable rage,
silenced by abandonment, or isolate in rejection. Are you facing a choice
like his?
For me this is what the men's movement is about - bringing wholeness
and holiness to men. I believe God is raising up men who will lead His
Church. God is now turning the hearts of the fathers to their children and
the hearts of the children to their fathers - to make ready a people
prepared for the Lord. Small groups of men is where I see this happening.
If you are interested in being in or starting a small group for men,
please contact us though Tracks in the Sands.
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I NEED A QUICK FIX
or WHY DOESN'T GOD JUST DELIVER ME?
by Josh Williams
I'm a Christian man. There are areas in my life that I feel a lot of
shame and guilt about. As a matter of fact, I feel guilty for even feeling
guilty. I live in constant emotional pain which has it╒s roots deep in my
past. I want to be like the man Jesus healed that day in the temple.
However, I feel more like Jacob wrestling with the angel of the Lord all
night long. I wish I could just "go forward" and have somebody pray for me
and that would be the end of it, or someone could just "cast out the demon"
and I would never have to struggle again. My whole life I have looked for
"the Quick Fix." I am familiar with the passage "Therefore, if any man be
in Christ, he is a new creature. Old things have passed away, and all
things have become new" and I say, "but I don't feel new. Why am I still
entrapped in old behaviors?" When I read the scripture that tells us, "we
are more than conquerors," I question how I can feel like a conqueror when
I am enslaved by old thought patterns which hold me captive. I am like
Paul in Romans chapter seven, "Who will deliver me from this bondage?" and
I desperately want to move into chapter 8 "I thank God, that it is through
Jesus Christ."
So how does Jesus deliver me? I can only speak for myself. I have
heard many accounts of people who were healed of various addictions or
compulsive behaviors in an instant, never to be tempted by them again. But
for me, Jesus choses to work in a different way, beginning with self
honesty. It is very hard for me, as a Christian, to admit my sins to God
because it feels like I am failing Him. And because my parents abandoned
me, I am afraid that God will abandon me too. Sure, I know that Jesus
promised in scripture, "I will never leave you nor forsake you", but this
is hard for me to believe. I may want to believe it in my mind, but my
heart is afraid. I know I must take a risk and actually trust that God
will not abandon me. I must repeatedly admit before Him my short comings
and character defects... my sins and compulsions, the dark side of my
existence which I have spent my whole life either denying or indulging.
But just being honest with God is not enough in my case. It seems
that God wants me to start a pattern of being real and honest before men.
Let me give you an example: If you go on a diet without telling anyone
about it, you will most likely fail. Without accountability to anyone, it
is easy to give in during a moment of weakness. Jesus wants us to confess
our faults one to another. For most of us, this starts the moment we
accept Christ as our Lord and Savior. We may have even gone forward and
made a public confession of our faith. My starting point was when I chose
to share one of my deepest, darkest secrets with a particular friend that I
felt I could trust. When he did not condemn me, his acceptance broke my
cycle of shame and guilt and brought it into the light of God╒s grace. I
was able to accept the forgiveness of Christ because of the acceptance of
my friend. Maybe that╒s what it means when it says "whosoever's sins you
loose on earth, they shall be loosed in heaven". I don't claim to be a
Greek scholar, but I know that the power of that particular sin over me was
broken in that moment.
So where am I now? I have to continue being honest before God and
men. I feel SO MUCH PRESSURE from within the Christian church to keep up
the good Christian image, I know all the right words to say, I know all
the scriptures to quote. And I so much want to be accepted by the church
that I have been willing to put on a mask and to live a double life, just
so the they would like me. I had been doing this so long I even fooled
myself . But the price I paid was not worth it. And besides, it is a price
which was already paid two thousand years ago.
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TESTIMONEY OF A SEX-ADDICT
"Tell me, what seems to be the problem?" The therapist had begun with
the standard opening question. When I told her that I had been feeling
somewhat depressed, her questions turned to my relationship with my
parents. After 5 one-hour weekly sessions I blurted out, "I have been
cheating on my wife and I can╒t seem to stop. I have been going to one of
the local 'massage' parlors several times each month". The tears were
flowing down my face, "It seems to be the only thing that will take away
the pain", I cried. "I've tried to stop, but I can't. Every time I leave
there I tell myself that I'll never ever go back that this time will be
the last time."
That night, as I laid in my bed tossing and turning, I kept thinking
about how my life had gotten to this point; about how I had hidden this
truth from everyone; how my sexual addiction had gone from soft-core
pornography to calling up live telephone services to picking up female
hitchhikers to - massage parlors and outcall services to - what next? I was
spiralling down to who knows where. Would I be the next clergyman to fall
because of a sex scandal?
I couldn't sleep. I got up and turned on the T.V. ABC's Nightline
was on and Ted Koppel was interviewing the former president of George
Washington University who had been forced to resign after admitting that he
had been habitually making obscene telephone calls to various girls. I
thought to myself, "why would this guy get on national television and admit
to this problem?" Apparently, Ted Koppel was wondering the same thing and
the man answered something like "I know that there are many other people
out there like me with this sickness people who are sexually addicted. I
want everyone to know that I have entered a recovery program and am getting
help for it. I can't undo the dammage I've already done, but maybe I can
keep someone else from falling into this horrible lifestyle." I sat there
thinking, "this guy has just lost his job, his reputation, everything, and
yet I find myself envying him! I want what he╒s got." At that moment, I
knew in my heart that there was help for me somewhere.
It came sooner than expected. The next morning I had an appointment
with a colleague of mine. I asked him if he had seen Nightline on T.V.
last night. He hadn't, but asked what it was about. After explaining it
to him, he said that it sounded like this man was caught up in obsessive-
compulsive behavior. "You know about this stuff!?," I asked,
incredulously. "Yes, I've had quite a bit of experience with it myself,"
my friend replied. I will never forget that meeting. I asked if we could
get together after work and talk further.
That night at a local 24 hour restaurant, my friend shared his story
with me. In many ways, it was very much like mine. He shared in addition
to recovering from sexual addiction, he was also in recovering from
alcohol. He said that many of the same principles applied to both. He
told me how most of his real recovery happened in a "men's group" that he
attended and invited me to come.
I had never before had any real close friends of the same sex so it
was a little frightening for me as I listened to these men describe to one
another how each of their weeks had gone. I was taken aback by their
frankness. I knew I had found the trail of my recovery.
I took a chance and began to open up. I described how I struggled
with hatred for my mother who was never there for me as a child. I talked
about my father, who left when I was in grade school. I revealed my
deepest insecurities. Finally, I told them about my sexual addiction.
Instead of judging me as I feared they might, they validated me as a man.
Many of them were working through the same kinds of problems and understood
what I was going through. When I did slip-up a few times, they were there
for me with understanding and acceptance. They gave me honest feedback
about some of the things they saw in me╔ some of it was hard to take, but I
knew that I was among friends - and more.
I found that I could give of myself too. As new people came into the
group, I was able to pass on the love and acceptance that I had received.
I still struggle with issues (don't we all?) but I now know that I am not
alone. I was on my way home!
"Confess your faults one to another
and pray one for another
that you may be healed"
James 5:16
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THE ABSOLUTES OF HOMOSEXUALITY
by Ross Carlson
Homosexuality. The word itself brings to mind many mental images.
For people not caught in the grip of homosexuality those images are just
that╔ images. But for those involved in this devastating lifestyle, those
images are a reality.
A foundation of truth must be laid in regards to homosexuality so as
to discuss this orientation as openly and sincerely as possible. This
article is intended to dispel myths and false presumptions in regards to
homosexuality in the hopes of offering the light of truth to those who, for
far too long, have been held captive in the darkness of this all
encompassing devastation.
ABSOLUTE 1 - The homosexual orientation in not sin but the practice of
homosexuality IS sin. The sin of homosexuality is based on the practice of
meeting ones legitimate needs in a false way by looking to the creature
(other men/women) to meet ones needs instead of looking to God, The
Creator.
ABSOLUTE 2 - God offers hope of change for the homosexual. 1
Corinthians chapter 6 says in regards to sinners including homosexuals;
"and that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were
sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by
the Spirit of our God."
ABSOLUTE 3 - Homosexuality in NOT an acceptable alternative lifestyle.
Although secular psychology tries to promote homosexuality as a viable
alternative to heterosexuality, the homosexual lifestyle is mainly based on
the acquiring another's attributes to fill ones own void. Such selfishness
is a reality to the majority of practicing homosexuals and can never lead
to a healthy giving relationship.
ABSOLUTE 4 - Hope of change without God is impossible. Modern
psychology has made great strides in understanding some of the motivations
behind homosexuality. Although true, once these motivations can be fully
realized, psychology alone cannot offer the homosexual struggler anything
else. The struggler is left to wallow in his or her brokenness even though
the brokenness is now better understood. The reality of the person of
Jesus is in His ability to re-create ones inner man and to crucify the old
broken self while at the same time energizing the true self with holy
strength that can only come from Him. It is a strength that is essential
to real change.
ABSOLUTE 5 - Complete change is NOT usually immediate. When God
begins to heal the homosexual, His ways are not always the homosexuals
ways. The homosexual wants immediate relief from temptation and the unholy
thoughts and habits. God, although concerned with these things, is
interested in the wholeness and total character of the person struggling
with homosexuality. Sometimes the process is long and painful but with God
at the helm, loving, strengthening and offering grace and mercy, the result
is always far more than a quick fix could ever offer.
ABSOLUTE 6 - Homosexuality is learned, not genetically determined.
The roots of homosexuality begin very early in infancy and childhood.
Neglect, abuse, overbearance and the like have a great impact on a young
child. Brokenness in the family is the incubator for the homosexual
struggler. Siblings may not be of a homosexual orientation for the simple
reason that they have different personalities and interact differently with
the parents. Although there are many commonalties among homosexual
backgrounds, the introduction into the lifestyle is different and complex
for each person. Healing is not difficult for a personal, all-knowing God,
however, only He can restore His own masterpieces.
ABSOLUTE 7 - Change cannot occur alone. Healing from homosexuality is
intended by God to take place in the environment of His church. Healthy,
loving and encouraging relationships among fellow Christians is vital to a
homosexuals healing. Learning true and appropriate affection among same
sex Christians without eroticism is a vital step to healing. This step
cannot be learned with ones nose in a book.
Although there are other absolutes, the main ones have been discussed
here. If you or someone you know is struggling with this orientation, help
is more possible than you would think. Please feel free to contact the
author by writing us at Tracks in the Sand.
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SITTING ON THE EDGE
by Gary Kalus
Sitting on the edge of eternity
In the storm of insanity
The wheat bent low to the ground from the pounding rain
An empty farm house with broken windows
The old grain wagon with a missing wheel and nowhere to go
On one hinge, the barn door plays its melodic melody
A child's tire swing hangs from the great oak tree
It's only playmate is now the wind
Out of the dark troubled waters of my soul
Comes the old hawk
Sitting in the top of the old dead tree
Spreading its wings to dry in the radiance of my grief
It waits for me
Floating on the wing tips of passion
I see a white flash and hear the roar of power
There opens a place where my soul can find peace
This is the other beauty of the storm
The golden desire that only few eyes have seen
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FROM DEVISTATION TO DESTINEY
by Tom Thompson
He was gone
He had left them.
His plan had now been ended.
Grieving now together for Rabbi and friend
The brothers staring downward felt a presence - heard a call
With love-eyes and outstretched hands
You stepped out through a wall.
And I, in lonely silence, pressed in by space and time,
Ask you, my heavenly brother, walk through these walls of mine.
His muscles sore and aching
His panic and his fright
Drove his soul to terror
When distant in the night
Cutting through the thunder
And seaman╒s frightened shouts
A voice of calm authority said,
"Peter, step on out."
And I, in my upheaval, confusion, and my wonder
Tossed by crashing waves, frightened by the thunder'
Await your face and Presence,
Your voice upon the sea.
You walk to men on water,
I ask, "walk out to me"
Crouching now in dripping silence
mocking voices call in pain
Of fire falling confrontation-
Bleeding prophets - gushing rain
Once aggressive in the conflict
Once a runner toward the call,
Above his head, around his soul
A cave has formed a wall.
And huddled in my cavern door
I wonder of your silence
Surrounded by your flame and wind
The earthquakes and the violence.
Hoping now to hear your voice
My flagging hopes to save,
To have your mind, to touch your power
To move out from this cave.
Now send your call, your voice be heard,
Speak to my soul - your still small word.
Out of town, far out of hand,
The sheep-mass enveloped
The Shepherds new band.
Now, turning to thousands
With word-songs to heal
You reach out to touch them
With more than a meal.
And I lift my plannings
my dreams
and my wishes╔
To hands which do wonders
with men,
loaves, and fishes.
Lover of all people, you go to all extremes
To know of my affliction
To mend my broken dreams.
With Abram and Moses,
I learn now to wait
Your gift of strong provision
Seldom early...
Never late.
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TESTIMONY OF AN EX-GAY MALE
by Ross Carlson
My sister and I were born out of wedlock to a very ill mother and a
businessman-type father. After I was born, my mother was committed to a
tuberculosis sanitarium for a period of one year. During this time I was
almost exclusively raised by a variety of house keepers. In order to pay
the bills, my father travelled extensively and so I was left very much
alone. When my mother came home from the sanitarium near my first
birthday, I did not know who she was and just clung to our housekeeper╒s
legs. I do not personally remember any of this, but am writing from what I
was told later in life by my mother.
During my childhood, my father continued to travel frequently and left
us for extended periods of time. When he did return home, his time was his
time and he rarely involved himself in any of his children╒s activities.
In my child-like way, I wegan to develop a sense that there must be
something wrong with me. I spent the rest of my life trying to gain his
acceptance, the pursuit of which was utterly futile.
My parents never seemed to love each other. I never saw any affection
in the home. My mother╒s poor health, alcoholism, and my parent╒s lack of
faith in Jesus all contributed to their divorce when I was nine.
The court awarded my sister and I to my mother╒s care. However, for
the next five years, she continued to decline into a world of alcohol,
Valium and depression. Although we rarely went without our basic needs, my
life became one of increasing isolationism.
When I became a freshman in high school, my father took custody of my
sister and I due to the fact that my mother╒s mental state was seriously
affecting us. Three months later my father was remarried to a Christian
woman who led both my father and I to the Lord.
Although I was now a Christian, awkward and painful feelings of
attraction towards men began to emerge and increased as I passed through
puberty. A crushing sense of inadequacy hung on me like a heavy blanket.
The guilt I felt as a result of those feelings grew tremendously during my
attendance at a Christian high school. Since God did not take those
feelings away, I reasoned that He just didn╒t care about me.
After my mother╒s death during my senior year in high school, I
entered the busy life of college in Long Beach, California. As the pace in
college increased and as the frustrating feelings toward other males
continued, the Lord began to fade from view to the point that I hardly felt
Him or heard Him at all.
I began attending the gay bars in the hopes of meeting Mr. Right so as
to fill my aching void for male intimacy. During the five year span of
time I spent actively pursuing the homosexual lifestyle, I contracted the
AIDS virus, yet continued for two more years in the active lifestyle due to
a ╥I might as well live it up now╙ mentality.
It wasn't until a roomate's shocking suicide attempt startled me back
into reality that I asked God to take me out of the nightmare of the
lifestyle I had adopted. He strongly put it upon my heart to move and
leave all of my gay friends behind. I obeyed although I dreaded the utter
loneliness of this decision.
That was in November of 1988. By that New Year╒s Eve, I had obtained,
through miracles which I clearly remember, thirty new Christian friends,
one of which is now my wife, Donna. In the past three years, I have seen
Jesus pluck me out of the cesspool of the homosexual lifestyle, plant me
into His church, and water me with His life. Although the process is still
ongoing, the Lord has shown Himself to be the healer of my sexuality.
He has used the love and encouragement of my wife and others in the
church to help me to continue to follow Him. The Lord╒s grace and mercy
towards me, I know, is totally undeserved. I still wonder why He went to
all the trouble of helping me. The only answer I can find is that He loves
me.
If you are suffering from sexual brokenness or think that you are,
remember that the Lord sees you. He created your sexuality and He can and
will restore you if you ask Him to. But it is not a solo pilgrimage. I
know that I could not have done it alone. Please feel free to write us
care of this newsletter. We would love to correspond with you and/or
connect you with those who can help.
May you know His grace and mercy too
Ross W. Carlson
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GOD, YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND
by Josh Williams
The innocent child remained silent as the father he loved took out his
anger upon him again and again. He was feeling more pain then he ever
imagined was possible... not only from the physical abuse, but more from
the sense of utter betrayal that he felt. There were many shocked on-
lookers, but as is commonly the case with bystanders, nobody intervened.
And then, after the humiliation, the father turned his back on the battered
child, almost as if he was in some way pleased with the bruising he had
administered. He left him there alone. Not long after, the broken-hearted
child died. What kind of father would do such a thing to his child? It
could have been you or me. For it was our sins that caused God the Father
to have to turn against His own Son. There was no other way to redeem us.
In that moment when Jesus "became sin for us" He understood what it
means to be an abandoned child. He felt the brutal punishment brought on
by all the combined sins of mankind. When Jesus cried out ╥My God, my God,
why have you forsaken me?╙, He was experiencing the isolation every child
feels who has been abandoned by their earthly fathers. In that moment, He
felt the lonely despair of anyone who has ever been abused or violated.
And He had to experience it. How could he understand our pain if He had
never felt it Himself?
Jesus also knows what it feels like to be tempted during a moment of
weakness. He knows the torment we feel when we desire to escape from our
problems - to take the easy way out. As a matter of fact, there isn't a
thing that we as men have experienced or been tempted by that He has not
also felt (think about your weakest point of temptation). And yet, He was
able to endure it without compromising Himself, or giving Himself over to
The Easy Fix.
So next time I think that God just doesn't understand, I'm going to
think again. He is not some immense uncaring deity sitting in the
heavens, out of touch with reality. On the contrary, because of what He
has gone through, He is more than able to bring us through our problems, no
matter how serious they may be. He has been there.
- Related scripture verses: -
Isa 53:10 Yet it pleased the Lord to bruise him; He hath put him to
grief.
Heb 2:18 For in that he himself hath suffered being tempted, he is
able to help them that are tempted.
Heb 4:15 For we have not a high priest who cannot be touched with the
feeling of our infirmities, but was in all points tempted like as we are,
yet without sin.
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COUNTERFEIT INTAMACY
by Bob Sklar
Male Intimacy. Two words which, to many people, do not go together
very well. Perhaps the moment when the winning football quarterback is
slapped on the behind by his teammates? In beer commercials the concept is
capitalized on and real bonding can only occur when the right brew is
consumed. But one is forced to ask: Are talk of baseball scores or sexual
scores the only "safe" language we men can share?
The homosexual lifestyle protrays a softer, more feeling male.
Sometimes this image is contrasted with an exaggerated muscular machismo.
But this is a lifestyle that confuses physical intimacy for emotional
intimacy, a set of values based on bodies that eventually become worn out
and old.
But most of us are faced with a more compelling question: "Do I have
any male friends? Friends I can truly be intimate with?" Often the
biggest obstacle to this goal is fear - the fear that if someone knows who
I really am, including both my strengths and my weaknesses, they will
reject me. I may fear that if I am less than perfect, not more than human,
I am not acceptable to myself, to God or my fellow man. Christ died for
just such men. In His death and resurrection He embraced men and freed
them from this lie.
When I joined my first men╒s group five years ago I had no male
friends that really knew me. Our group was ordinary and began as a Bible
study. But the questions we asked were different and deeper. We each
seemed to be fathoming the depths of our lives.
Our group took time to develop, and we made mistakes exploring this
new intimacy. A deep level of trust and commitment took the initial first
two years to develop. Slowly the friendships deepened and our fears faded.
We revealed and then retreated, each time discovering something new about
ourselves and each other. At times, tears came; tears for the past and the
future. We saw each other's pain. Here was a safe place to finally bring
our secrets into the light a place of real male intimacy.
As I approach forty, I realize how important male friendship is. My
friends understand and encourage me in my own masculinity - the innate
maleness in the way I'm physically, spiritually, and mentally a man. They
feel the transitions and rhythms of life as I do. Together we experience
the full spectrum of male humanity the way God created us. I hear His
voice, feel His arms and see Him reflected in their eyes.
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