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HAIRBALL
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1992-08-15
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12KB
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313 lines
RIB Productions
Proudly Bring to you
"Night Hairballs"
An ST:TNG Parody of Episode #90("Night
Terrors")
By Robert I. Brayer
(Loosely based on Night Terrors, kinda)
-=-
SCENE I
(In Deanna Troi's quarters, Deanna is with a patient, a middle-age
female patient who Troi is counseling. Actually doing her JOB!)
Patient: It's just the strangest fetish, I don't know what it is
with shoelaces but-
Troi: <Coughing>
Patient: Is there something wrong?
Troi: We're on camera now, best not elaborate.
Patient: Should I talk then about my love of killing psychologists
who don't listen to my problems?
Troi: SECURITY!
Patient:<Foam starts to come from mouth> ... shoelaces! They're
just so...
Troi: Please!
(A few security officers enter to drag the patient off, as the
patient screams)
Patient: I tie all of my shoes thirty times a day! <Crying
hysterically> Lemmie go!!(Begins punching around wildly)
(Troi walks up to the patient)
Troi: Please Mrs. Psychowoman, calm-
(One of the patient's fists accidentally connect with Troi's jaw)
Troi: <Clunk> Ow!
Patient: red ones, blue ones - SHOELACES!
Troi: This must be some kind of nightmare!
(Troi begins to convulse just slightly, hey- if anyone could
convulse, "just slightly", it'd be Troi)
Troi: Doctor! Ugh!(Troi hammers down on her badge to call for the
doctor, knocking herself to the ground)
Troi: Ack! Ayiee, urp blah (assorted disgusting noises)
Troi: No I'm - going - to-
Security Man: Get a real job?
(Troi walks up to the security man, looks him in the face, and
violently coughs up a hairball in his face, she then collapses)
-=-
SCENE II
(Troi shoots out of bed in a cold sweat, breathing heavily)
-=-
SCENE III
(On the bridge)
Riker: What the?
Picard: What is it Number One?
Troi:<Over intercom> Sir, is everything allright?
Picard: It's fine, why?
Troi: Nevermind..nightmare<click, dial tone>
Riker: that's what it is!
Picard: What?
Riker: The deep breathing I heard!
Picard: She's LEVELS away!
Riker: It's an ACQUIRED sense!
Picard:<musing> and some people have hobbies..
Data: Sir, we are encountering a strange anomaly.
Picard: Can you be more specific?
Data: Sir it looks like a large ship, but I could be wrong.
Picard: What do you mean you could be wrong?
Data: I don't have my glasses!
Picard: Glasses?
Data: My brand-new, "Looking at strange anomaly-glasses" that Dr.
Crusher gave me last week when I thought a Ferengi ship was the
statue of liberty.
Picard: Well get the damn glasses already!
(Data pulls out glasses and puts em on)
Data: It appears to be a ship, shaped like a large..feline!
Picard: Magnify.
Data: No sir, I am NOT doing my Sherlock Holmes!
Picard: No no no! Ack I'll do it myself!(Does)
Riker: I'll be darned, it looks like a cat!
Picard: Open hailing frequencies!
Worf:<Grunt>
Picard: Alien ship, This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the
really-big-ship Enterprise, whatdoja want?
Riker: My, he's really got that diplomatic form to a T.
(The alien comes on screen, it looks like...well.. a cat! It has a
frown on it's face)
Alien: We are cat-people!
Picard: What do you want?
Alien: Milk!
Picard: I shoulda known!
Riker: <stupidly> Why do you want milk?
Alien: Silly! To make pancakes with!
(At this point Troi bursts on the bridge in her "regulation" uniform)
Troi: Who the #*($*()# is that!?
(All turn towards Troi)
Troi: Sorry, rough night.
(All turn towards Riker)
Riker: Don't look at ME!
Alien: Hello!? Am I on "HOLD"?
Ro: No Ms. Alien Person, by the way, what's your name?
Alien: I am the Captain of the Catship, Litterbox, I am Captain
Fluffy of the Catship Litterbox!
Troi: I think I'm gonna cough another up right about now..
Worf: <Grunt>
Alien: Fine, ignore me! I'll just open fire!
(The screen goes blank)
Picard: Oops. Mr. Worf try and get contact back!
Worf: <Grunt>
Picard: No answer!
Data: Sir, I would suggest raising our-
(The ship is rocked with several powerful phaser blasts and the
crew does their best impression of the TOS crew by going flying
comicly, in different directions)
Worf(who flew into the captain's chair- on Picard's lap): <Grunt>
Picard: OW!
Data: Sir we've been hit by 4 straight blasts of what appears to be
a phaser cannon.
Picard: Activate cloaking device!
Data: We don't HAVE one!
Picard: Activate commercial device!
Data: Ok.
-=-
Announcer: Try NEW Drip-o bathroom cleaner! Kills stains DEAD!
Singers: Drip-o! Drip-o! Makes stains feel their death! Drip-o! Drip-o!
It killed a stain named 'Beth'
(Close-up of a stain, and then a big spray bottle sprays it)
Beth: OWW! NO!!!! TERRIBLE ! PAINFUL! AGNOY!
Announcer: Let's watch as Beth dies a terrible DEATH!
(Beth takes a human-like stain form and convulses wildly in agony
and screams so shrill many TV screens break)
Singers: Drip-o! Drip-o!(Screams) Ends messy carpet grease! Drip-o!
Drip-o! Makes one hell of an antifreeze!(Screams)
Beth: <ClunkCroak>
Wesley: And that's not all! If you order within the next 4 seconds
you get this free, plastic model of Geordi's VISOR
(Shows a VISOR that looks remarkably realistic)
Geordi: Give me that thing back!
(Geordi comes in stumbling around grabbing for the VISOR, and grabs
it and puts it on)
Geordi: Hahaha! That Wesley always joking around!(Geordi hits
Wesley over the head)
Wesley: <Thunk>
Announcer: And you get it all, the lounge chair, the Drip-o and the
DEAD BETH free!
Beth: HELP ME!!!
-=-
SCENE IV
(In the conference room, most everyone is there)
Riker: Wow! That commercial device really worked! We're not under
attack! In fact, we're holding a conference on it!
Picard: Yes, Number One, the Commerical device is our greatest
defense, we should hope it never falls into the evil hands of the
Romulans, The Ferengi, or God forbid, PBS.
Geordi: Well, it seems like these feline guys are shooting phasers
at us because we ignored them.
Troi:<Begins to nod off>
Worf: <Grunt>
Ro: ..and the blahblahblah of the blahblahblah
Troi:<To sleep>
-=-
SCENE V
(Troi is standing in a field of beautiful flowers, she begins to
run through it in peace and harmony, at one with herself, and her
world; until she trips over a passing rabbit)
Troi: <clunk> Ouch.
Rabbit: Hey, lady- watch where yer going!
Troi: hey! Rabbits can't talk!
Rabbit: So, who says boring one-lined "psychologists" can talk
either?
Troi: Good point! What do you want?
Rabbit: Is this a trick question?
Troi: No!
Rabbit: To be honest, I want some Drip-O.
Troi: Why!?
Rabbit: I have this stain in my toilet that never leaves.
Troi: Is this a promo or part of the show?
Rabbit: Neither. And Both.
Troi: You are a wise rabbit.
Rabbit: I try.
(The Rabbit implodes)
Troi: How odd.
(Troi starts to run again, suddenly she feels as if she can- FLY!
She jumps in the air prepared to attain FLIGHT!)
Troi: Whee!!
(Troi realizes half-way into her jump, that she can not fly.)
Troi: Uh-Oh.
(Troi flys directly into the ground.)
Troi: <Clunk> Ouch!
Troi: I can't take much more of this!(starts to convulse a bit)
Troi: Glagh! Glagh! ack!
-=-
SCENE VI
Crusher: ...And I agree with that brilliant analysis of Mr. Worf's!
Picard: I think we all do, howsabout you Troi?
Troi: <Awaking from dream> Glagh! Glagh<Cough cough>
(Troi spits up a hairball onto Picard's head)
Picard: <Growl>
Riker: He has hair!
(Picard turns toward Riker)
Riker: <Blushing> Wish I could implode.
Troi: I'm so sorry sir.. I've been having terrible nightmares!
Picard: How?
Troi: I always get hurt in them and I always cough up a hairball at
the end, this time, I did it for real!
Ro: They must be getting intense..maybe they have something to do
with the Aliens!
Picard: A fine idea! To hell with Mr. Worf's idea! Let's try this
one!
Worf: <Growl> <Grunt>!!!
Picard: Open a channel to the Alien vessel!
Worf: <Grunt>
Picard: Alien vessel, why have you been messing with our shrink!
Alien: We want milk. Resistance is futile.
Hugh: Hey that's my line.
Alien: Sorry, we're not being paid much.
Picard: I told you; base salary, you're not on the air enough for
more.
Riker: Ah, sir, the camera is on.
Picard: Er, Milk! Why do you want milk?
Alien: I already told you, and for base salary I'm not telling you
again.
Crusher: Let's play guessing game!
Geordi: Yeah! You want milk so you can pacify your babies!
Alien: No !
Ro: You want milk, because milk builds strong bones and makes you
big and strong!
Alien: PANCAKES!!
Picard: Yes of course, we know.. alright, we'll get back to you!
Alien: AUGH!
(Rattles on the ship)
Riker: Sir, they're commencing firing!
Data: Good we have the shields up, this time sir.
Picard: I suggest we put Troi to sleep and-
All but Worf and Troi: YES!! TO SLEEP!
Picard: NO! NO! NO! "Z's" sleep! Real sleep!
All but Worf And Troi: Aww!
Troi: <Grunt> <Growl>
Picard: Maybe the aliens are causing your dreams, Deanna, and
making you cough up hairballs in the process because of demented
childhood experiences of their own, you then can communicate and
give them their "milk", we'll put a whole bunch near your bed!
Troi: What if it spills on me.
Riker: Add pancake mix, and stir!
Picard: Shut up Number One, I don't know - it doesn't matter!
-=-
SCENE VII
(Meanwhile in Ten-Forward)
Guinan: Hi. I'm Guinan. I'm not in this one.
-=-
SCENE VIII
(Deanna's quarters, the bedroom, Deanna is lying down, but she
can't seem to get to sleep, all the other members of the crew are
gathered around trying to make it easier on her)
Troi: <Growl>
Picard: Great klingon love poem Worf!
Worf: <Grunt>
Riker: Boy I love this place!
(All turn to Riker)
Riker: Not- that I've ever..<ahem> been here or anything..
Crusher: I'm going to tell you a bed-time story from "The Doctor's
Book Of Boring Bed-Time Stories"
Troi: Uh-oh.
Crusher: Once upon a time, there was a patient with an infected
bladder; this was a bad patient, so he went to a stupid doctor who
told him to get his toes removed.
Picard: That's quite enough Doctor!
Crusher: But I haven't gotten to the spleen explosion yet!
Picard: That's ok! I want to read Shakespeare to the good shrink!
All but Worf: <Groan>
Picard: "To be...or not to be...that is the question, whether it is
nobler in the minds of men..."
Riker: Shut up! I'm gonna read some Brayer to her! "To pee..or to
kill something, whether it is an implosion in the minds of fish.."
Troi: OH SHUT UP!!! ALL OF YOU! HOW CAN I SLEEP WITH YOU ALL
BOTHERING ME!
All but Worf: Oops.
Picard: We'll be leaving now.
Worf: <Gruntnod>
Picard: I have to work on a speech anyhow, "The value of dead
things in the modern aristocracy".
Riker: And I have to not shave.
Crusher: And I have to kill, er save a few patients.
Worf: And I have to..
Troi: LEAVE!
(All cower and run out)
Troi: Alka Seltzer to the rescue(Gulp)
(Clunk)
(Troi enters her dream, suddenly she sees many cats they all crawl
up to her and look up at her, she kneels down)
Troi: Aw, nice kitties
Cats: <GROWL>!!!!!!!!!!!!
Troi: Er, loud kitties.
Cats: MILK!
Troi: <Gasp> <Growl> <Grunt> Glurp!
(Coughs up a hairball)
Cats: Yuck. Milk!
Troi: Here.
(Troi gives the Cats some 2% milk)
Cats: We wanted SKIM MILK! We're on diets you know!!
Troi: Glurp!
(Coughs up a hairball)
-=-
Announcer: And so it would come to pass that Deanna Troi's
dreams of coughing up hairballs would pass, and
The Aliens would leave, contended, they weren't
really on diets of course; they just had fun
PO'ing Deanna. And all lived happily ever after.
Even Picard, who got a good scraper for the hairball
on his head.
Strange Man In Suit: I would like to protest for bald men
everywhere! Do we go around making fun of you when we have hair! I
would like to protest also about the nature of this parody on our
lovely animals cats ! They don't cough up a hairball when they're
dreaming do they? I'd also like to-
(A bomb drops on the man)
Announcer: And now things are much happier.
-=-