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1989-05-25
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1,834 lines
- if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
-- In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a
``Continental Belt,'' for $10.99!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
--``I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away now.
I fed the cat. - Zippy''
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
--- I have seen the FUN ---
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. Do you like ``TENDER VITTLES?''?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q.
LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. I don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. I feel.. JUGULAR..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. I see TOILET SEATS...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with
a few common MISAPPREHENSIONS...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this
14th STOREY WINDOW while reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within
SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE
as a COMPLETE STRANGER?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM
of a KOSHER DELI --
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate man!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST
here in DUSSELDORF!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. My pants just went on a wild rampage through
a Long Island Bowling Alley!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. My vaseline is RUNNING...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes
JUST BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family
of DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their
PROPERTY VALUES!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. One FISHWICH coming up!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today --
or have a VASECTOMY??
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into
HIGH-YIELD T-BILL INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks
will DWINDLE to a rate of 2 SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. bleakness.... desolation.... plastic forks...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub.
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr...
ich lande im antiken Rom... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble...
ich rieche PIZZA...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. my NOSE is NUMB!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me
in MIAMI last Tuesday?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA
is a barbequeued OYSTER! Yum!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
.. this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled with
LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight??
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like
RICARDO MONTALBAN'S HAIR!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER,
grow a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!!
... Although I don't know WHY!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Alright, you!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Am I SHOPLIFTING?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Am I elected yet?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
America!! I saw it all!! Vomiting! Waving! JERRY FALWELLING into
your void tube of UHF oblivion!! SAFEWAY of the mind --
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
An INK-LING? Sure -- TAKE one!! Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Are we THERE yet?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Are we THERE yet? My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Are we live or on tape?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Are we on STRIKE yet?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut??
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS?? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Are you still an ALCOHOLIC?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
BARRY.. That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of
``I DID IT MY WAY'' I've ever heard!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away!
But Ken says, WOO-WOO!! No credit at ``Mr. Liquor''!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Bo Derek ruined my life!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
CONGRATULATIONS! Now should I make thinly veiled comments about
DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE??
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Catsup and Mustard all over the place! It's the Human Hamburger!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Civilization is fun! Anyway, it keeps me busy!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Clear the laundromat!! This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS!
Remember the SERIAL NUMBERS!! Follow the WHIPPLE AVE EXIT!!
Have a FREE PEPSI!! Turn LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!!
JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!! MAKE me an OFFER!!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Content: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRON.. The waitress's
UNIFORM sheds TARTAR SAUCE like an 8'' by 10'' GLOSSY..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Could I have a drug overdose?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
DIDI... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
DON'T go!! I'm not HOWARD COSELL!! I know POLISH JOKES... WAIT!!
Don't go!! I AM Howard Cosell!... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Did I SELL OUT yet??
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Did I do an INCORRECT THING??
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Did I say I was a sardine? Or a bus???
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations
in a MALIBU HOT TUB?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running
straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions
and devalue the dollar!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Do I have a lifestyle yet?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat??
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Do you think the ``Monkees'' should get gas on odd or even days?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Don't SANFORIZE me!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Don't hit me!! I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either!
.. FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING,
BLACK STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY!.. Are there any QUESTIONS??
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Eisenhower!! Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Either CONFESS now or we go to ``PEOPLE'S COURT''!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Everybody gets free BORSCHT!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Everybody is going somewhere!! It's probably a garage sale
or a disaster Movie!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the
survival of OFFSET PRINTING?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
FEELINGS are cascading over me!!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
FOOLED you! Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the
faculty dining room.
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test..
So just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my
gothic solarium!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
GOOD-NIGHT, everybody.. Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID
to my pet LEISURE SUIT!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make
my satellite dish PAYMENTS!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ---
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Go on, EMOTE! I was RAISED on thought balloons!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
HAIR TONICS, please!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
HOORAY, Ronald!! Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
HUGH BEUMONT died in 1982!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard
-- I'm living for today!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES??...
Now, it's time to ``HAVE A NAGEELA''!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
He is the MELBA-BEING... the ANGEL CAKE...
XEROX him... XEROX him --
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE
inside me like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER! Or maybe he'd
like to PSYCHOLIGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no objection
to a RIGHT-WING MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!! I guess
I should call AL PACINO!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hello, GORRY-O!! I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hello. I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic
Alaskan females!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hello. Just walk along and try NOT to think about your
INTESTINES being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hello... IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA!
World War III? No thanks!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying
my urine sample bottles..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN
anywhere!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Here we are in America... when do we collect unemployment?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hey, wait a minute!! I want a divorce!!.. you're not Clint Eastwood!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hey, waiter! I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some
drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hmmm.. A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted
island, when...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hmmm.. a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT
by a TROLLEY-CAR..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hmmm... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET FIDDLE
ORCHESTRA... ha.. ha..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hmmm... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of
POLYVINYL CHLORIDE...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
How do I get HOME?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions?
It's th' MOUSTACHE... Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates
SINCERITY, HONESTY & WARMTH? It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take
HOME and introduce to NANCY SINATRA!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
How many retured bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing
PENCIL SHARPENERS right NOW??
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
How's the wife? Is she at home enjoying capitalism?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I HAVE to buy a new ``DODGE MISER'' and two dozen JORDACHE
JEANS because my viewscreen is ``USER-FRIENDLY''!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I KAISER ROLL?! What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little
COLE SLAW on the SIDE?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I Know A Joke
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I am NOT a nut....
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut.
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I am having FUN... I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I brought my BOWLING BALL - and some DRUGS!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!!
I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I can't think about that. It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of
LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I demand IMPUNITY!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA.. But no WOO-WOO!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all
just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen--
.. to sell more numbers!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I don't know WHY I said that.. I think it came from the FILLINGS
in my rear molars..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I feel better about world problems now!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I feel partially hydrogenated!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies
of the ``WATCHTOWER'' and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to
the top.. They look NICE in the yard--
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I guess it was all a DREAM.. or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I had pancake makeup for brunch!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you.
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I have accepted Provolone into my life!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket..
.. I have read the INSTRUCTIONS...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling
every day from Oral Roberts!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I hope I bought the right relish... zzzzzzzzz...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have
a REASON to live!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I hope you millionaires are having fun! I just invested half
your life savings in yeast!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I invented skydiving in 1989!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I joined scientology at a garage sale!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker..
But now I can't remember WHO he is...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I just had a NOSE JOB!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!! And I was just getting in touch
with my LEISURE SUIT!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I just remembered something about a TOAD!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I like the way ONLY their mouths move.. They look like DYING OYSTERS
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I like your SNOOPY POSTER!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized the all WORDS to ``WIPE-OUT'' in 1965!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least
six studio SLEAZEBALLS!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I put aside my copy of ``BOWLING WORLD'' and think
about GUN CONTROL legislation..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I represent a sardine!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I selected E5... but I didn't hear ``Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs''!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I think my career is ruined!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the
HIGH RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n secure!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go.. with EXTRA MSG!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I want a WESSON OIL lease!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I want another RE-WRITE on my CEASAR SALAD!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with
VASELINE and WHEAT THINS..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I want you to MEMORISE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY..
BACKWARDS!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I want you to organize my PASTRY trays... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in
formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES --
please don't be FURIOUS with me --
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool --
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'd like some JUNK FOOD... and then I want to be ALONE --
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm DESPONDENT... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this
miniature DOMED STADIUM...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of ``BOWLING WORLD''
while my wife and two children stand QUIETLY BY..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm RELIGIOUS!! I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!!
Equip me with MISSILES!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm a GENIUS! I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN SONTAG!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm also against BODY-SURFING!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm changing the CHANNEL.. But all I get is commercials
for ``RONCO MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS''!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm definitely not in Omaha!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!! Too late...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES
of smug and wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE.. and I don't take any DRUGS
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm having a tax-deductible experience! I need an energy crunch!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE
in my PAJAMA POCKET??
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm having an emotional outburst!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm into SOFTWARE!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my
PERSONAL SPACE!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! What's that SIGNPOST up ahead?
Where's ROD STERLING when you really need him?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm not an Iranian!! I voted for Dianne Feinstein!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm not available for comment..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT! Am I doing it correctly??
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS
instead of RICARDO MONTALBAN!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm rated PG-34!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm reporting for duty as a modern person. I want to do
the Latin Hustle now!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm shaving!! I'M SHAVING!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN.. To me, it's ENJOYABLE..
I'm WARM.. I'm VIBRATORY..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and
computer-generated IMAGE FORMATIONS..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of CHICKEN..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the
INNER WORKINGS of this POTATO!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm wearing PAMPERS!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm wet! I'm wild!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I'm young.. I'm HEALTHY.. I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR REGIONS!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD,
you forget your SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE
will be replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th'collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will
Jodie Foster marry Bonzo??
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD
for MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE
of a GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American
a 55-year-old houseboy...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Inside, I'm already SOBBING!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship?
Or are we suffering in Safeway?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Is it 1974? What's for SUPPER? Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in
one wild afternoon??
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop
in a plate of SAUCE MORNAY?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Is it clean in other dimensions?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Is this TERMINAL fun?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Is this an out-take from the ``BRADY BUNCH''?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also
makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Isn't this my STOP?!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages
from DAVID LETTERMAN!! YOW!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
It's NO USE.. I've gone to ``CLUB MED''!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
It's OBVIOUS.. The FURS never reached ISTANBUL.. You were
an EXTRA in the REMAKE of ``TOPKAPI''.. Go home to your
WIFE.. She's making FRENCH TOAST!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
It's OKAY --- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
It's a lot of fun being alive... I wonder if my bed is made?!?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach
their level of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Kids, don't gross me off.. ``Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE''
can be carried too FAR!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA,
PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
LOOK!! Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and
``Flock of Seagulls'' HAIRCUTS!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Laundry is the fifth dimension!! ...um...um... th' washing machine
is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you..
I want to WRAP you in a SCARLET ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE..
I want to EMPTY your ASHTRAYS...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Let's all show human CONCERN for REVERAND MOON's legal difficulties!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST! I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!! Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS...
or a HIGHBALL??...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge card!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Look! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
MY income is ALL disposable!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP
in a cheap hotel in HONOLULU!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE--
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!! A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed
with the shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!!... Oh BOY!! I'm
about to swallow a TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG
soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and SUGAR!! .. Let's see..
Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE, BABY LAMBS
fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded
animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!! That was GOOD!!
For DESSERT, I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS
on a stone-ground, WHOLE WHEAT BUN!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production
of the INDONESIAN archipelago?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off.. It has noiseless
DOZE FUNCTION and full kitchen!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE
in upstate New York!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
My EARS are GONE!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's care!!!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
My haircut is totally traditional!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
My life is a patio of fun!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
My mind is a potato field...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton....
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C. And I can prove it too!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
NANCY!! Why is everything RED?!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
NATHAN... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!!
They're VOIDED - They COLLAPSED
They had no CHAINSAWS... They had no MONEY MACHINES...
They did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS...
Nathan, I EMULATED them... but they were OFF-KEY...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
NEWARK has been REZONED!! DES MOINES has been REZONED!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Not SENSUOUS... only ``FROLICSOME''...
and in need of DENTAL WORK... in PAIN!!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Now I am depressed...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Now I understand the meaning of ``THE MOD SQUAD''!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP
with the BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward
the end of World War II!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beatiful, round
wives of HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS
and being approached by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the
SMELTING and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Now that I have my ``APPLE,'' I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Now, I think it would be GOOD to buy FIVE or SIX STUDEBAKERS
and CRUISE for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
OKAY!! Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING,
FULLY-EQUIPPED R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need 4 GALLONS of JELL-O
and a BIG WRENCH!!... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if
it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT... ...or...I...um... WHERE'S the
WASHING MACHINES?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
ONE: I will donate my entire ``BABY HUEY'' comic book collection
to the downtown PLASMA CENTER..
TWO: I won't START a BAND called ``KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD''..
THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the FUTURE
and BEYOND REPAIR!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Oh, I get it!! ``The BEACH goes on,'' huh, SONNY??
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Okay.. I'm going home to write the ``I HATE RUBIK's CUBE
HANDBOOK FOR DEAD CAT LOVERS''..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and
watch REGIS PHILBIN.. It's GREAT to be ALIVE!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL
QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD
if only we let it!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never
without a POINT.
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Once, there was NO fun... This was before MENU planning,
FASHION statements or NAUTILUS equipment...
Then, in 1985.. FUN was completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP..
It contain 14,768 vaguely amusing SIT-COM pilots!!
We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we finally got JERRY LEWIS,
MTV and a large selection of creme-filled snack cakes!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Our father who art in heaven.. I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY
at this table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN..
and also leave a GENEROUS TIP...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
PIZZA!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
PUNK ROCK!! DISCO DUCK!! BIRTH CONTROL!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE
with your BOOTH!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS
in the Trianon Room!! Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Please come home with me... I have Tylenol!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Psychoanalysis?? I thought this was a nude rap session!!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
RELATIVES!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
RHAPSODY in Glue!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available
ONLY by prescription!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright
blue LEG WARMERS.. He scrubs the POPE with a mild
soap or detergent for 15 minutes, starring JANE FONDA!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
SHHHH!! I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS
into empty OIL DRUMS..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474,
San Francisco, CA 94140, USA
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK
hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Sign my PETITION.
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB CHOP!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing
``Leave it to Beaver''!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up
a batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
TAILFINS!! ...click...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
TAPPING? You POLITICIANS! Don't you realize that the END of the
``Wash Cycle'' is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
TONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Talking Pinhead Blues:
Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on
channel TWENTY-SIX!!
Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS
has been DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff)
My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th'dog, ALEXANDER
HAIG won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter.. (snurf)
So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me
upside mah HAID!! (on no, no, no.. Heh, heh)
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Tex SEX! The HOME of WHEELS! The dripping of COFFEE!! Take me
to Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Thank god!!.. It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
The Korean War must have been fun.
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
The Osmonds! You are all Osmonds!! Throwing up on a freeway at dawn!!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!!
But they went to MARS around 1953!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth
the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality --
and have since BIRTH!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading
down my SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS
in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
They collapsed.... like nuns in the street...
they had no teen appeal!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD... He's so..so.....URGENT!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully
pressed up against someone's MARTINI!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
This PIZZA symbolises my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE.. And he has ``VISA''!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience! Someone I DON'T LIKE
is talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Those aren't WINOS--that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST,
my SWORD SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a...
feeling for the aesthetic modules --
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of
TAB HUNTER before his MAKEOVER!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Toes, knees, NIPPLES. Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES...
Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
UH-OH!! I put on ``GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's''
by mistake!!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
UH-OH!! I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S
having a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!! Ha ha.
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
UH-OH!! We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader
frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Uh-oh!! I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Uh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
TAX-DEFERRED!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! It must
be the NEGATIVE IONS!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Wait.. is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat Junction??
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN? It tastes REAL GOOD!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot tub...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
We just joined the civil hair patrol!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home.
45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN.. I might as well pay a visit to the
LADIES ROOM...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!! And I'm looking for a way to
VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of
EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Well, here I am in AMERICA.. I LIKE it. I HATE it.
I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it.
I HATE it. I LIKE.. EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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What PROGRAM are they watching?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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What UNIVERSE is this, please??
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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What a COINCIDENCE! I'm an authorized ``SNOOTS OF THE STARS'' dealer!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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What's the MATTER Sid?.. Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP
or DETERGENT for 15 minutes. He seemed to enjoy it..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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When you said ``HEAVILY FORESTED'' it reminded me of an overdue
CLEANING BILL.. Don't you SEE? O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE
COIN COLLECTION and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Where does it go when you flush?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Where's SANDY DUNCAN?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT??
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Where's the Coke machine? Tell me a joke!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING,
Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S
bank account.. This will have the same effect as
two ``STARCH BLOCKERS''!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Why don't you ever enter and CONTESTS, Marvin??
Don't you know your own ZIPCODE?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your
HOME ENTERTAINMENT CENTER with you??
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Will it improve my CASH FLOW?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Will the third world war keep ``Bosom Buddies'' off the air?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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With YOU, I can be MYSELF.. We don't NEED Dan Rather..
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
dress code!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Wow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Xerox your lunch and file it under ``sex offenders!''
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
YOU!! Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little
VICTORIAN DOLLHOUSE you can find!! An make it SNAPPY!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
YOW!! I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
YOW!! Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY
and th' new TAX REFORM laws!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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YOW!! The land of the rising SONY!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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YOW!! Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
YOW!! What should the entire human race DO?? Consume a fifth
of CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild
SEX WEEKEND!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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YOW!!! I am having fun!!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather
at an IRON MAIDEN concert?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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You can't hurt me!! I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR
th' distinction between FANTASY and REALITY?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide
on a NEW CAREER!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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You were s'posed to laugh!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS --
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Youth of today! Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental attitudes!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Yow!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Yow! Am I having fun yet?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Yow! Are we laid back yet?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Yow! Are we wet yet?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Yow! Are you the self-frying president?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Yow! I just went below the poverty line!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Yow! I threw up on my window!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Yow! I want my nose in lights!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Yow! I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Yow! I'm having a quadrophonic sensation of two winos
alone in a steel mill!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Yow! I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Yow! Is my fallout shelter termite proof?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet?? Is it, huh, is it??
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Yow! It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Yow! It's some people inside the wall! This is better than mopping!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Yow! Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY--
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING BALL
when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Yow! Now we can become alcoholics!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%
Yow! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Yow! We're going to a new disco!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses...
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%%