Parenting - Prenatal to preschool/Parenting_PrenatalToPreschool.bin/dp/0026/00262.txt

Text File | 1993-06-25 | 71KB | 1,177 lines

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$Title{Child Development:  Family Structure}
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Lansky, Vicki}
$Subject{Family Structure lifestyles Nuclear Unit Spacing Birth Order Factor
firstborn baby expectation expectations Only Children Late-Born father fathers
siblings Extended families Work Works Working Parents Workplace Quality Time
Single divorce divorced Never-Married Widow Widows Widowed Older Late Babies
Adolescent Step-Families Love Adoption Adoptions adopt adopts adopted adopting
ORGANIZATION ORGANIZATIONs child development}
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The older sibling often adopts a caretaking role*0056901.tif}

Complete Pregnancy and Baby Book


Family Structure


The Evolving Family Unit

     Despite the changing lifestyles and ever-increasing personal mobility
that characterize modern society, the family remains the central element of
contemporary life.  Families offer warmth, security, and a measure of
protection against an often uncaring world.  But family structure, like
society at large, has undergone significant changes in the years since World
War II.  While the nuclear family--with Dad, Mom, and offspring happily
coexisting beneath one roof--remains the ideal, variations in family structure
are plentiful--and often successful.  Whatever your particular family
situation, it will have tremendous influence upon your baby's happiness,
development, and future life.

The Nuclear Family Unit

     Spacing

     A majority of parents want more than one child, and once the first child
is here or on the way, it's natural to wonder how long you should wait to have
another.  It's really a personal decision.
     On the one hand, many parents opt to wait a few years, until the first
child is no longer in the demanding infant stage.  These parents might tell
you that the thought of dealing with two infants at once was just too
overwhelming for them.  On the other hand, parents who had their children in
quick succession might tell you that they didn't have time to lose their touch
between children, and that having two infants at a time is easier than having
an infant and perhaps a toddler or even an older child, whose conflicting
needs and demands involve a lot of gear-switching.
     One thing to consider when you're exploring the question of how many
years to leave between brothers and sisters is what you want their roles with
one another to be.  If siblings are born several years apart, the older
siblings often adopt a caretaking role with the younger siblings.  When
siblings are born closer together, they're more likely to relate as peers and
playmates.  All siblings are going to fight from time to time, and whether
they're of the same or opposite sex is going to influence their relationships,
too.

     Birth Order Factor

     If you've read any pop psychology, you've probably already come across
the term birth order factor.  It refers to a child's place in the family.
There are certain traits that seem to go hand in hand with birth order.  Birth
order affects not only how your child sees herself, but also how you will
parent your child.  For instance, parents often have greater expectations of
firstborn children.
     Research has shown consistent responses among children when they were
asked for their perceptions and feelings about their "rank" in the birth
order, so it's important for parents to be aware of how birth order may affect
each child, and how it may cause you to overlook some things each child might
be needing.
     The firstborn child is the "pioneer" in the family and, unless there's a
remarriage into a family with other children, always enjoys the position of
being the oldest.  Firstborn children are often very dependable, responsible,
loyal, and protective.  They often assume a "little parent" role in the
family.  Among adults, a high percentage of firstborns can be found in such
demanding professions as medicine and politics.  Firstborns often say that
their parents place too much responsibility on them in the family, and that
parental expectations for them are too high.
     Since the firstborn child is an only child, at least for a while, she is
the one child in the family who will ever know what it's like not to have to
share attention with a sibling.  For this reason, it's especially difficult
for firstborns to deal with the birth of the second child.  The second child
is always going to be seen as a threat by a firstborn, since if it wasn't for
him, the firstborn would still have exclusive claim to parental attention and
energy.  It's not unusual for a firstborn to plot ways to get rid of the
second child.  This may involve backbiting or actual physical attacks against
the second child, or attention-getting behaviors like whining and crying.
     The second child experiences a much different world than the first, who
has already paved the way for him.  Second children often take the role of
rebel, clown, entertainer, artist, troublemaker, loser, peacemaker, or
negotiator in families.  As adults, they often become lawyers and
entertainers, continuing the roles they played as kids.
     Second children often feel that they don't get enough attention from
their parents and, unlike firstborns, that their parents don't expect much
from them.  They complain about being compared to their older siblings, and
often wish they would just be appreciated for who they are.  They resent being
bossed around by their older siblings.
     Middle children often express relief about being in the middle.  Their
parents are accustomed to parenting by the time they arrive, so some of the
pressure is off.  But middle children often feel unappreciated by and
uninvolved with the rest of the family.  They usually end up with all the
hand-me-downs from the older child, which doesn't help them feel very special
either (unless they happen to be the first sister or brother born into the
family, a situation that would change the family dynamics a great deal).
Middle children often see themselves as being dependable, self-reliant,
diplomatic, and easygoing.  Because they do tend to be very independent, they
often end up in very independent sorts of jobs.  As children, they often wish
their parents would get more excited about their achievements, spend more time
alone with them, and for heaven's sake, buy them something new once in a
while.
     The baby, or youngest child in a family, usually has special status.  The
parents' expectations of the youngest child may be low, and this child doesn't
have to do much to get all her needs met.  For one thing, by the time the baby
of the family is born, the parents have usually attained a healthy earning
power, so things may be considerably easier than they were when the first
child was born.  The baby is showered with material possessions and special
attention.  She knows she has a special place in the family and learns to
charm and manipulate other family members to get what she wants.  Nonetheless,
babies don't like being called babies; they want to be taken seriously.  They
often see themselves playing the role of the little one, the cute one, the
spoiled one, or the one with the temper.  Because they are surrounded by so
many authority figures as children, they may end up in passive and submissive
fields as adults.  Some babies don't ever really grow up, and this is because
their parents don't ever really allow them to, wanting them to forever remain
their cute, precious, final child.

     Only Children

     There are lots of reasons for having only one child--sometimes the
parents plan it that way; sometimes stillbirths, miscarriages, deaths, or
medical problems prevent parents from having other children.  These factors
will affect how an only child views himself and how his parents view him.
     Most only children relish their position, even if they occasionally wish
they had the companionship of brothers and sisters.  Unfortunately, as parents
age, an only child often becomes the sole caretaker, with no siblings to help
out.
     Only children are often seen as being loners, overly responsible, lucky,
perfect, fragile, strange, or very special.  Only children themselves may feel
lonely for lack of peer interaction.  Due to their extensive exposure to
adults, they might have difficulty being around other kids even when the
opportunities exist.  They often feel incredible pressure from their parents,
since they're the last and only hope in the family.  While parents of larger
families may try to fulfill their own dreams through several children, when
there's only one child, all of these wishes are focused on that child.

     Late-Born "Only" Children

     A child born several years after other siblings experiences some of the
same things as an only child, especially if the older children have already
grown up and left home.  But he is also the baby of the family, and his role
reflects this dual situation.  Parents aren't as likely to pressure this child
as much as they might a true only child.  He does not have to share attention
with his siblings, but can experience the loneliness and differentness that
the only child feels, particularly if his parents are much older.  This latter
situation will come into play with special clarity when the child reaches
school age and meets other children's parents.
     Advantages to having so-called "late" children are that there is little
sibling rivalry, and the older siblings may be able to help their parents with
the baby.  Many of the anxieties of first-time parenting are gone, and parents
are free to enjoy.  For the older children, having a baby in the house may
teach nurturing skills and increase their appreciation for what was once done
for them.  What often ensues is more open affection among everyone in the
household.

     Forging the Family Unit

     What can family members do to enhance their bonding to each other, in an
age when isolation of people in general may inhibit bonding within the family
unit?
     Let's start at the beginning.  Studies have shown that when a father is
present for the birth of his child, the child's relationship with him in the
first months of life is enhanced.  If this is not the first child, it's
important for siblings to be involved, too.  Many hospitals are beginning to
recognize this; many offer sibling programs to help prepare children for new
brothers and sisters.
     Families can maximize closeness and reap practical benefits by having
regular family meetings where plans are made and problems are discussed.  Even
small children can take part in some family decision-making and
problem-solving:  where to go on vacation, how to paper-train the puppy, and
so forth.  When all family members feel that they are valued and that their
ideas are listened to, they are more likely to cooperate with each other.
When families plan and do things together, they have more shared memories,
which enhances their sense of family.  Families can establish their own
traditions and festive occasions when they enjoy particular activities, like
visiting Grandma on Sundays or having a picnic on the Fourth of July.  When
family members plan and interact together, each experiences a sense of
belonging, wholeness, and dignity.

The Extended Family

     In days past, extended families played a big part in helping new parents.
Grandparents were often present to help with the new baby.  Extended-family
members often lived under one roof, or just down the road; children saw their
relatives often enough to know who was who.  Today, this is frequently not the
case.  Modern extended families are often unlike extended families of years
past.

     The New Extended Family

     While it's true that today's extended family is often spread out across
the country, and Susie or Johnny may be walking--or even driving--before they
meet some of the extended-family members, most families still have some
extended family nearby.  Geographical isolation is far more common among
upper-middle-class families, who move for occupational opportunity, than it is
among middle- and lower-class families, who tend to move to cities where they
already have relatives.
     But even when extended-family members are relatively close by, there is
no escaping the fact that families do live more privately than they once did.
In some cases, extended families still give each other day-to-day assistance
with shopping, child care, and household tasks.  More often, though, each
branch of the family retains its basic independence, but at some time may
assist another branch with gifts, low- or no-interest loans, or advice.
     What does all this mean for kids?  Essentially, children become more
emotionally dependent on their parents when there are few significant adults
in their lives.  Don't expect your child to consider a seldom-seen relative
important.  Unless you find a way to open up your family's network, your
children will probably be isolated from the extended family.
     Some families hold regular family get-togethers or large reunions to
reestablish a more integrated sense of family.  You can help your toddler
begin to understand the idea of extended family by creating a special "My
Family" photo album with pictures and names.  When he or she is a little
older, you can begin to illustrate the nature of the relationships with a
family tree.
     Other families today are experimenting with alternative ways to open up
the family.  For instance, some form babysitting, food, and other kinds of
cooperatives.  This simply means that several couples pool specific resources.
This lessens the burden of couples having to do everything solo.
     A family cluster is a way to create a surrogate extended family.  Several
families meet regularly and become emotionally close.  They share values,
attitudes, and tasks.  Often, family clusters share possessions, like vacation
homes and cars.  For children, this provides an enlarged number of significant
adults and "cousins."

Working Parents

     The Workplace

     While many people prefer to work, it's no surprise that many new parents
go back to work for financial reasons.  Many return a lot sooner after
childbirth than they may want to.  A recent survey found that fewer than
twenty-five percent of 153 national companies offered a sixteen-week maternity
leave with a full salary.  Most companies base the length of paid maternity
leave on the amount of accumulated sick leave.  Paternity leave--time off for
the new father--is a wonderful concept.  Unfortunately, it has yet to gain
popularity with personnel benefits administrators.
     But there may be other options.  You may be able to negotiate returning
to work part-time at first, so you'll be a little less pressured until you and
your baby have your routine down.  Job sharing is another option that is
gaining ground; it means that you and someone else, possibly another mother,
share a full-time position.  Also, take another look at your budget.  Is it
really going to be worthwhile to return to work when you consider the cost of
child care?  Or could you come out even by tightening up a little?
     As more and more parents work full-time, corporations are becoming
increasingly involved in the problems of working parents.  Corporations are
not altruistic; they provide benefits when it costs them more money not to.
Companies are adversely affected by parental problems of finding and paying
for adequate day care and sick child care when they result in troubled and
unproductive employees and in absenteeism.
     Most child-care benefits are provided in the form of resource and
referral services, and as optional child care financial assistance in employee
benefits packages.  (When employees pick and choose a package of benefits out
of many options, the program is said to offer cafeteria-style benefits.)  Some
companies in larger cities are also paying for sick-child care both in and out
of the home, and a few firms actually run on-site day care centers or buy
slots in nearby consortium centers; a consortium is formed when several
organizations buy space in and support a day care center.
     Unfortunately, the majority of workers are not employed by these larger
companies.  At this writing, smaller employers just aren't providing these
benefits.  However, smaller companies are beginning to respond by offering
flex-time (flexible working hours), flexible benefits (which may include
financial help with child care), and work-at-home options.
     Assuming that you have decided to return to work and that you have some
latitude about the timing, the next question is when.  If you decide to go
back in the first six to twelve weeks, make sure you properly introduce your
baby to her caretaker(s), and make sure she gets used to being held and fed by
that person while you're still present.  Babies can tell the difference
between one person and another almost as soon as they're born.  In the first
six to twelve weeks you will already know some of your baby's idiosyncrasies,
and you can relate these to her caretaker(s).
     If you return to work when your child is about six months old, keep in
mind that your child already has a sense of who you are, and a sense of his
separateness.  He may really fuss when you turn him over to the day care
center, and he may cling to the teacher when you come to get him at the end of
the day.  It will help to find ways to make these daily transitions easier;
perhaps a familiar toy or blanket or just a distraction will do the trick.
     Waiting a year to return to work will meet your need for time to get to
know your child and share her first glimpses of the world.  But at this point,
going back to work may actually be more of a problem than it would have been
early on.  Your one-year-old is extremely possessive of you, and won't yet be
able to understand why you're leaving.  You may need to phase her into child
care gradually.  Your spouse may be able to ease the transaction by being
there at times when you're not.  It will be important to see that the
caretaker is going to give your child the same kinds of stimulation that
you've been providing; continuity is important to your child's emotional and
developmental well-being.  See Chapter 7 for information about day care
options and selection.

     Quality Time

     As a working parent, you have many demands and little time at the end of
the day.  How can you get all the household chores done, have time to spend
with your child, and maybe even have some time left over for yourself?
     Creativity is the key.  Small children don't necessarily know the
difference between work and play, so any way you can find to incorporate the
two may help.  For instance, one woman puts her baby in a backpack, turns on
rock music, and "dances" while she vacuums the house.  Taking your baby along
while you do errands can be fun; if it's a nice day, why not take the stroller
and walk?  You might (watchfully) allow a toddler to play with the bubbles in
the sink as you do the dishes.
     Toddlers can learn to set the table, and they take great pride in it.  If
your child begins to learn to pitch in with household responsibilities at an
early age, there will be more time for everyone.  The time you spend teaching
her to do these things can be quality time, and your child will feel more
valued and grown up.
     The thing to remember is that quality time does not have to be a major
scheduled event.  It might be the time you spend reading to your child right
before bedtime, or the time you spend helping her build something with her
blocks.  Every task you must do with your child can be quality time--putting
her to bed, getting her dressed, feeding her.  The trip to and from the day
care center can be a good time for you to hear about your child's day.  You
can use these moments for sharing feelings, or for laughing, and even arguing.
Yes, you're going to argue, since your goals and your child's are going to
conflict at times.  When you aren't able to spend much time with your child,
this will be painful for both of you, so it's important to sit down and talk
about the conflict.
     Try to save some of your sick time so you can be available to be home
with your child when she is ill.  If the illness is nothing major, this time
can be special for both of you.  Your child will cherish being cuddled, being
read to, and being listened to.
     Make your vacations family events, but don't schedule them so heavily
that they are as stressful as everyday life!  Establish weekend family
routines or plans.  Let your child contribute to those plans as early as
possible.
     Trying to be a Supermom or Superdad while your children are very young
can be draining.  You can alleviate some of the stress by accepting that these
years will be over sooner than you think.  Focusing now on trying to have a
perfectly kept house will rob you of time you could be reserving for yourself
and your children.  Make the most of this special time of early childhood.
You'll miss it when it's gone.

Single Parents

     If you've just experienced a divorce, a separation, or the death of your
spouse, you may be totally overwhelmed with your loss and the new
responsibilities of being a single parent.  There you are, totally in charge
of decision-making, finances, breadwinning, and nurturing.  It's no wonder
newly single parents often feel fatigue and depression.
     Most single parents today are women, who face a substantially lower
income than their male counterparts.  They often must rely on child support
and government subsidies.  Often, they must move to smaller, less expensive
quarters in order to make ends meet.  Coupled with the financial problems that
they may already have is the fact that many employers are biased against
single parents, because they think they're less reliable.
     The newly divorced or widowed parent doesn't face these changes alone;
children also experience loss and a disruption of routine.  Toddlers are
affected more by how the parent is coping and by changes in routine than by
the fact of the divorce or the death.
     When a parent dies or leaves, children need attention, affection, and
reassurance; they need to be told how important they are.  Without such
assurance, your child may fear losing you, as well.  Do your best to maintain
schedules and routines as much as possible, and don't be lax about rules
because you think things are already hard on your child--children need limits
to feel secure; dispensing with rules is like dispensing with routine--it's
unsettling.
     After a divorce, try to make sure your child sees his other parent
regularly.  It's important for you to try to maintain a relationship with your
ex-spouse for the sake of coordinating visitation; cooperation and flexibility
are essential, no matter what your personal feelings may be.  It's also
important that you don't say anything negative about your ex-partner to your
child.  You need to support your child's contact with him (here we're assuming
the mother has custody) and with your former in-laws.
     If you can, seek support for yourself from relatives, your church, and
social groups.  If you have no support, the stress of being a single parent
will be especially high.  Parents Without Partners is a support group for
single parents, with chapters in most communities.
     If you are what is referred to as the noncustodial parent (you don't have
custody), you must also be willing to maintain contact with your ex-partner,
despite your personal feelings.  You must support your child in his
relationship with her.  If she is not allowing visitation, you must continue
to let your child know you are there for him.  This may seem futile, but at
some point, when he is old enough to do things for himself, he will know how
to contact you--and he will.  If you have been granted visitation, you must
find ways to continue having a parenting relationship with your child.  Don't
structure every moment spent with him as fun time; if you do, time spent won't
be very real, and you and your child will never really know each other.  The
two of you need to talk quietly, and be reflective and honest.  An unending
succession of ball games and amusement parks will make this difficult.
     The concept of co-parenting, or joint custody is gaining momentum.  It
works best when both parents live in the same community and when they are able
to maintain a very cooperative relationship, with high levels of
communication.  Joint custody is emotionally easier on fathers, who
traditionally have not been granted custody.  It allows them to remain
involved in decision-making about their children; as a result, they remain
financially responsible, because they feel as though they are part of their
children's lives.  Noncustodial fathers often back out of visitation and child
support payments because they feel uninvolved with and unable to have an
impact on their children's lives.
     Sometimes the noncustodial parent lives in another state; and though he
may still be involved with his child, contact is limited to infrequent visits,
telephone calls, and letters.  For his contact to have much of an impact, he
must master the arts of letter writing and phone calling.  Writing creative,
entertaining notes that the child can easily read and providing stamped return
envelopes can keep communication going.  Phone calls should be made at times
convenient for everyone.
     When an ex-spouse is completely uninvolved, the single parent often
doesn't know what to tell the child.  It's important to allow a child to
continue trying to contact a parent until she realizes the parent isn't going
to respond.  Often, the inclination is to prevent this in order to protect the
child from being hurt; this backfires because the child will interpret this to
mean that Mommy is trying to keep her away from Daddy.  Once your child
realizes that Daddy is gone and isn't coming back, you can help by allowing
her to talk about him, as a way of working through her grief.

     Never-Married Single Mothers

     Many of today's single mothers have never been married.  An increasing
number of women have spent their twenties establishing themselves in their
careers, and have not seriously desired to have children until they reached
their thirties.  By then they may feel that their "biological clock is
ticking", and that if they wait until they meet a suitable marriage partner,
it may be too late for childbearing.  There is also increasing acceptance
among younger women of the idea of having a child outside of marriage.
     Some women who opt for motherhood without marriage choose to become
pregnant through artificial insemination.  Many, however, discover that a lot
of doctors are unwilling to artificially inseminate an unmarried woman.  Some
who choose artificial insemination genuinely do not want to become emotionally
involved with the father of the child, and feel this would be inevitable if
they knew him.  Others, predominantly gay women, choose artificial
insemination simply because it does not require a personal relationship with a
male partner.  Still others want to raise the child alone and fear that if
they knew the father, he might later make claims on the child.
     Some women who want a child without getting married select a partner who
is willing to father the child with no strings attached.  Others agree that
the "acknowledged father" will be involved in the child's life although the
parents will not marry.  There is also a practical side to knowing the man who
will father the child:  the prospective mother might fear contracting AIDS
through artificial insemination by an unknown donor.
     Whatever their choice, however, these mothers are free to raise their
children according to their own ideas and values, and they reap many of the
rewards of parenting.  On the other hand, they undertake heavy
responsibilities, and risk the loneliness of parenting without a partner with
whom to share both the burdens and the good times.  For this reason, support
groups for such single mothers have begun to spring up--at least in several
major cities.

     Widowed Parents

     How well a family adjusts to the death of a parent depends a lot on how
the parent died.  When a parent dies after a short-term illness, the family
may adjust more quickly than it would if the death were sudden or from a
long-term illness.  Other families may find that dealing with a long-term
illness has given them time to work through some of their grief before the
family member dies.
     Children go through essentially the same stages of grief as adults:
shock and numbness, followed by grief and depression; then an emotional
distancing from the loss; and finally creative adaptation to the loss.  The
thing to remember is that children display these feelings differently than do
adults.  Even children under the age of three feel the loss, though they may
not understand the finality of death.  Children may deny the death, they may
act angry toward the deceased parent, and they may feel guilty, thinking they
did something to make the parent go away.
     To help children, it's important to explain the death to them in language
they can understand.  Don't use euphemisms; they add to confusion and lead to
questions like, "If we lost Daddy, why aren't we going to look for him?"
Explanations that are too gentle can be confusing and even frightening; your
child could fear that if he ever gets sick again, he will die, too.
     When children become depressed, they often come down with minor illnesses
like colds and intestinal upsets, or they play less, or they become more
clinging and dependent.  You can help by understanding that your child is
feeling a loss and needs to feel more secure.  Be open and willing to talk to
your child about his fears.
     You will undoubtedly need to find support for yourself, as well.  You may
get some from the children, depending on their ages, but you will also need
adult support.  If you can't rely on family--who may be telling you that you
should be over your grief and carrying on with your life after a certain
amount of time--we urge you to contact your local Widowed to Widowed group,
where you can open up and find support in dealing with the changes you are
experiencing in widowhood.  It's not uncommon to need two to three years to
adjust to the loss of a spouse.

Older Parents

     It used to be that very few women had their first children after the age
of thirty-five, though it was not uncommon for women to bear additional
children in their middle years.  Today, many women are not beginning to have
children until they are in their thirties; there are a number of reasons for
this.  Many women are choosing to become established in their lives and
careers before turning their thoughts to childbearing and to their biological
clocks.  Many see their twenties as a time to experiment and experience
freedom.  At this age, some women don't feel psychologically ready for the
commitment of having children.  Still other women, immersed in their careers,
have such high expectations for themselves--and others--that they're unable to
find mates who meet their qualifications for fatherhood.  Though these women
might opt to have children sooner, they often don't find a suitable situation
for doing so until they're approaching forty.  And then there are the couples
who, for some reason, appear to be biologically unable to conceive until, just
when they have about given up, they finally conceive.
     There are a number of positive aspects to having a first child in
mid-life.  There are also some drawbacks.  First, the positives:

  -  A new parent who is around age forty has fifteen to twenty years of adult
     life experience, and so has a lot more inner resources to draw on in
     times of stress than does a younger parent.
  -  Middle-aged adults are usually at the height of their earning power,
     so there's more financial stability to support a child.
  -  Having had time to sow their wild oats, middle-aged adults are ripe for
     being parents.  They have a sense of identity--the child is not going to
     have to provide them with it.
  -  Having a first child in mid-life provides a real sense of renewal.
  -  Adults in mid-life have a deeper sense of the value of life itself, and
     so tend to place high value on the time they can spend with their
     children.

     While many of the positive things about having a baby in mid-life involve
the joys of raising a small child, the drawbacks have mostly to do with the
future, and with the parents' concerns about aging:

  -  Older parents may have lower energy levels.  They may wonder if they will
     have the energy to enjoy doing things with a child, or if they will have
     to hobble behind.
  -  They wonder if they will live to see their child become an adult.  Will
     they ever see their grandchildren?  Will they very quickly become a
     burden to a child just as he is trying to get on his feet as a young
     adult?
  -  When the age difference is forty or more years, quite a schism is
     created; parents worry whether their values will be at all relevant to
     their child.
  -  Often when a child becomes a teenager--a difficult period for even young
     parents to deal with--older parents find themselves becoming impatient to
     return to the privacy they knew before their child was born, and longing
     for solitude and freedom from daily child care responsibility.  This can
     create a lot of additional stress.

     Parents Who Have Late Babies

     Parents who have late babies--babies born ten or more years after their
siblings--have a few advantages over parents who just start their families in
their middle years.
     Often, the older children in these families can be relied on to take
semi-parental roles with their new brothers and sisters.  They can become
built-in babysitters, making it easier for the parents to maintain their
routines with less disruption.
     Having a late baby is less stressful than having a firstborn.  Parents of
late babies have plenty of experience in parenting and lots of confidence.
They find they can enjoy their late-born children even more than their
firstborns.
     A late child is a good lesson in sex education for the other children.
Pregnancy will force adolescents to acknowledge their parents' sexuality; this
may be uncomfortable for them and may cause them to become distant and even
hostile.  However, these feelings usually disappear when the baby comes along
and Mom returns to a normal state and everyone is pampering the new baby.
When all the children in the family are involved in preparing and caring for
the baby, a late baby can provide a splendid lesson in parenting.  In fact,
parents often notice that their teens become more gentle, and the family
closer, as a result.  The new baby becomes a unifying influence, a point of
common pleasure and concern.
     The drawbacks of having a firstborn in your middle years, however, still
apply here.  When that last-born child hits her teens, it's likely that the
other kids will have grown up and moved out, and it's even more likely that
after so many years of parenting, the parents will be tired and anxious to
move to an empty nest.  Another, more initial drawback to having a late baby
is that a working mother may be kept from her job at a time when her income is
especially needed for other children who may be approaching college age
Nonworking mothers, too, may have difficulty adjusting to spending time at
home with a baby.

Adolescent Parents

     You have probably read how dismal the picture is for teenagers who choose
to raise children in our society.  We can't paint a pretty picture, either.
If you're going to have a child and you're under twenty, there are some things
you can do to enhance the picture, but you'll still be faced with lots of
difficulties.
     Make sure you seek medical advice as soon as you know you're pregnant.
It's unfortunate that most teens don't; often, they're embarrassed, don't know
where to go to find advice, or just want to deny the pregnancy.  Age,
nutrition, and quality of care are all factors in maternal and baby health.
Poor diet and lack of prenatal care can lead to complications like anemia,
premature birth, and low birth weight.
     There is a long-term impact on the child when teens have and raise
children.  Because of poor prenatal care, there is often a high incidence of
illness and mortality.  Children often have educational and emotional problems
later on.  Research has shown that the younger the mother, the more likely it
is that her child will have a lower IQ score.  Children of teens often become
victims of child abuse or neglect, simply because their parents are too
immature to understand infant and child behaviors, and may get frustrated very
easily.  Or the parents simply tire of having a child around and want to go
out and have some fun--because they're still kids themselves.  They can be
resentful at having to grow up in a hurry.
     Financially, teens who have children are more likely to end up living
below the poverty level.  Research shows that teen mothers tend to have
additional children more rapidly, which means that they're even less likely to
be able to offset child-care costs with income.  This is compounded by the
fact that teen mothers often terminate their education prematurely, and
qualify only for poorly paying jobs; often they are financially better off on
welfare.  As a result, welfare dependency is widespread among single teen
mothers.  Unable to achieve financial independence, teens who have children
often end up living with one or both of their parents.
     Statistics show that when teen fathers remain with their mates and
children, their educational attainment is also reduced, and their long-term
earning power is less than that of their peers.  Most often, teen fathers are
not involved, and it has been assumed that they don't want to be.  Yet a
recent study has found this to be a myth.  Teen fathers want to help the
mother and child, but they themselves need assistance and support.
Unfortunately, until recently little or no attention has been paid to the
problems of the teen father.  Many of these young men have never had father
figures themselves, and just don't know how to father.  Some pilot programs
now provide counseling and job training for teen fathers, and have been very
successful in encouraging young fathers to stay involved with their children
and provide the necessary financial support.  Though there are presently only
a few such programs, they are growing in number.
     We can tell you about all the perils of having a child as a teen, but if
you have already made the choice, you need to seek help for yourself.  Find
out about teen pregnancy classes in your area by calling a hospital or family
planning center.  Such classes will prepare you for labor and provide support.
Some classes will help you develop life skills and decision-making skills.  If
there are no teen pregnancy classes available, check your local YMCA or YWCA
for other kinds of parenting classes and support groups.
     One program is the Minnesota Early Learning Design (MELD) for Young Moms
(MYM).  This program provides self-help groups led by former teen mothers.
The groups meet one evening a week; teens are welcome to bring their babies.
The evening includes a free meal, education, and time for sharing.  The exact
focus is determined by the needs of each group, but the objectives are:  1) to
enhance understanding of child development, 2) heighten self-awareness and
involvement in the outside world to help establish future goals, 3) develop
assertiveness and information-seeking skills, and 4) improve the physical
well-being of mother and child.  If your community does not have an MYM group,
you can find out how to start one by contacting Minnesota Early Learning
Design, 123 N. 3rd Street, Eighth Floor, Minneapolis, MN 55401; 612-332-7563.
     The best way to eliminate the problems of being a teenage parent, or to
prevent having more children, is to learn about and use contraceptives.  The
capacity to reproduce is at its highest between the ages of fifteen and
eighteen, so it's no wonder that many teens who may think it's safe not to use
contraception all the time, or to use it just once in a while, end up getting
pregnant.
     For contraception to work, you must anticipate sexual activity and
recognize the risk of pregnancy.  Then you must obtain a contraceptive and
talk to your partner about your intention to use it.  And you must use it, and
use it every time.
     If you need more information about contraceptives, ask your doctor.  If
that's not comfortable, find your local family planning center.  Family
planning centers generally have counselors who are patient and understanding
and very willing to help; they won't think you're stupid for asking questions.
On the contrary, they recognize that your questions are a reflection of your
concern and your need to be informed, so that you can make responsible, mature
decisions.  Many family planning centers will provide you with contraceptives
if you don't have the money to buy them, or they will sell them to you at a
reduced rate.  Take advantage of the opportunity.

Step-Families

     While we still tend to think of families as consisting of a mother, a
father, and their children, the reality is that with all the divorces and
remarriages that occur in our society, a large number of families are actually
step-families, or blended families.  Unfortunately, in our society, the word
"step" has gained a lot of negative connotations; we all read Cinderella,
right?
     When parents remarry, they often have hopes that their new family will be
a lot like the old one.  Unfortunately, there are going to be some real
differences between your new family and your old one.  That's not to say that
it can't be a happy family, but it's important to understand some of the
wrinkles you'll be dealing with.
     In a remarried family, parenting is no longer solely the domain of the
married couple; there's going to be at least one biological parent and
possibly other stepparents in different households, not to mention both
grandparents and step-grandparents.  In this way, the remarried family is a
more open system than a nuclear family.  Typically, there are children moving
in and out of the household for visitation, so the question of who's actually
in the family is not always crystal clear.
     Not all the members of a remarried family have always been together, so
it's likely they have different ways of doing things.  In a nuclear family,
kids don't question that their parents are indeed the parents.  In a remarried
family, the parents may not have been together long enough to reach a
consensus about parenting issues; the kids may not accept parenting from the
stepparents.  This can be hard on adults as well as children.
     In a nuclear family, relatives and friends usually recognize all family
members as a family.  When you remarry, they may see you and your children as
family, but not "him and those kids of his."  That your new family isn't
accepted by your extended family is hard.  It's also important to know that
the law doesn't recognize stepparent relationships.  You can grow close to a
stepchild over a number of years, but if you divorce the stepchild's
biological parent, the law gives you no rights to visitation.
     Strong themes of loss recur in remarried families.  Both parents and
children come from other families that are no longer intact.  If these losses
have not been worked through, there may be continued fears of loss and
abandonment, and emotional scars.  If the parents are still at odds with their
ex-spouses, the children will suffer from conflicting loyalties, and the new
marriage can suffer as well.  What often happens is that the children end up
in the middle, often being used as spies between one household and the other.
It's extremely important for all adults involved--the married couple and their
ex-spouses--to cooperate with each other in a fair and frank manner with
regard to the children.
     When children enter a remarried family where there are other children,
their rank in the family is often changed.  For instance, the oldest child may
become the second child.  Suddenly, the role of each child is unclear.  It's
also important to note that because step-siblings are not blood relatives, the
incest taboo is not as clear.
     These are just a few of the dynamics that can make a remarried family
very different from a nuclear family.  We aren't trying to scare you away from
entering into a remarried family, but we are trying to help you see that some
of the intense feelings and complications that will come up are entirely
normal.  And there are some things you can do to minimize the difficulties.
     Before entering into a remarried family, it's important that all members
have recovered from past losses.  Your children may need to talk about your
ex-spouse, and you may need to let them, regardless of how you feel about him
or her.
     Before you all move in together, there are some steps you can take to
ease the transition:

  -  All individuals who will make up the new family need to be open about
     their fears.  You all need to listen to each other.  Know that it's going
     to take time for all of you to adjust to new roles and a different
     household.
  -  Co-parenting relationships need to be maintained in a cooperative way
     with ex-spouses.  This is important if loyalty conflicts are to be
     prevented.  Kids need to hear that even though Mommy and Daddy don't want
     to be together anymore, they both love and care about their children.
  -  Plan space for children in all households where they will be staying;
     it's very disconcerting for them not to have a space of their own.
  -  Make sure everyone on all sides of the family (your family, your
     ex-spouse's family, and your new spouse's family) understands your new
     situation.
  -  Make emotional room for all the new relationships and roles.

     To complete a healthy transition once you have all moved in together, you
will need to accept that this is a different sort of family, one where roles
will shift as different family members (for example, ex-spouses, and children
who may not live with you all the time) come in and out of your life.  Allow
and encourage your new family to share memories and histories together.  This
will help all of you to integrate and become a family.  It's important for
children to know that the past has not been forgotten or negated by this new
family.  Don't overreact and become defensive if your stepchild compares you
with his biological parent.  Take time to establish a friendly relationship
with stepchildren:  don't jump into a disciplinary role too quickly,
especially with older children.  It's also important that you and your spouse
support each other in parenting roles:  if you don't, the children will sense
it and play each of you against the other.

     The Development of Love

     It's not uncommon to enter into remarriage with the expectation that if
you love your spouse, you will of course love his or her children.  There are
many reasons why "instant love" between parent and stepchild doesn't
necessarily happen.  The most basic is that those who have never had children
may not have experienced being close to a child.
     Very often, "Instant love" is an unrealistic expectation that causes us
to try to be Superparents.  It's not uncommon to feel guilty about loving your
own children more than your stepchildren.  If you find yourself in this
situation, it might be helpful to talk to a counselor or other supportive
professional who can help you clarify the discrepancies that may exist between
your beliefs and expectations and what is realistic.  It may also be helpful
for your spouse to consider whether his or her expectations may be inhibiting
you from establishing a genuine relationship with your spouse's children.  A
stepparent is not a parent, but ultimately you and your stepchildren will
build bonds that will reflect the unique relationship you have with them.

     Yours, Mine, Ours, and Theirs

     The decision of a remarried couple to have children of their own often
helps harmonize relationships between step-siblings, probably because the
blood relationship that all the siblings now have in common with the new child
strengthens bonds.  However, sometimes the step-siblings feel unimportant or
left out.  Complicating things further, about the same time you and your new
spouse are having children, your ex-spouses may have remarried and may also be
having children.  So your biological child now has a half-sibling by your
remarriage, a half-sibling by your ex-spouse's remarriage, and step-siblings
by your spouse's ex-spouse's remarriage.  If this is confusing for you to
read, imagine what it's like for the children, especially if they're young!
It may be helpful to sit down and map out a family tree.  This will help the
children better understand who's who, and will also help clear up some of your
own confusion.
     Remarried families are very complex.  Each additional member of the
family system allows for another relationship or another role with every other
member in the system.  There can be biological parents and grandparents,
stepparents and step-grandparents, siblings, half-siblings, and step-siblings.
No wonder this becomes confusing!  With this many people in a family and so
many different kinds of relationships between these people, there's a lot of
potential for stress.  There's also an increased potential for a large support
network if everyone communicates and cooperates.  The rewards can be enormous.

Adoption

     It used to be that there were hundreds of abandoned infants who needed
parents.  Due to legalized abortion, more widespread use of birth control, and
decreased stigma for unwed mothers, this is no longer the case.  If you want
to take the traditional route of adopting a child through an agency, there may
be several years' wait--if you qualify.  But there are other avenues--private
adoption, foreign adoption, open adoption, and independent adoption--none of
them without perils.  You'll need to ask yourself how much money you're
willing to spend and what you're willing to endure.
     Before you begin, contact someone you know who has already adopted.  If
you don't know any adoptive parents, contact your local Library or human
services agency for information on a local adoption support group.  You will
get lots of timesaving information from others who have been through the
process.  They'll tell you which agencies to avoid, and which agencies can
best serve your set of circumstances.

     Adoption Agencies

     Don't kid yourself.  If you're going to go through an adoption agency,
know that each agency has its own profile of what it considers to be the
"perfect parents."  If you don't fit that profile--and an interviewer can tell
with a few pointed questions--you won't even be given an application.  The
agency's profile will weigh factors pertaining to your age, stability, and
parenting ability.  If your application is satisfactory, you will be
interviewed extensively.  A social worker will be sent to your home, perhaps
for several visits to do a home study, which involves being asked for a great
deal of personal information.
     Though agencies generally won't arrange for nontraditional parents (older
couples, singles, gays) to adopt, if you're interested in a special-needs
child (defined as a child who is older, or handicapped in some way), an agency
may be willing to work with you.
     Agency fees usually work on a sliding scale and range from a few hundred
dollars to about five thousand dollars.

     Private Adoptions

     Private adoptions are usually arranged by lawyers who bring together
parents who want to adopt and mothers who plan to give up their babies.
Before considering this route, know the law.  In some states, it is illegal to
have an intermediate party search for the child, even though it may be legal
for you to search for the child.
     A private adoption is sometimes the fastest way to locate an infant, and
it often gives the biological mother a way to learn something about the
adoptive parents.  However, some agencies say that private adoption does not
allow for a good home study, since the lawyers involved are chiefly concerned
with the money that will change hands.  In many cases, the lawyer represents
both the adoptive parents and the birth mother, which usually means the birth
mother doesn't get proper counseling or legal representation.
     Private adoption fees range from $3,500 to ten thousand dollars.
Additionally, you often have to pay the birth mother's medical expenses.

     Foreign Adoptions

     Foreign adoptions can be arranged through traditional as well as
specialized agencies.  They can also be arranged by dealing directly with
foreign agencies or intermediaries.  Most recent foreign adoptions were from
India, Latin America, the Philippines, and South Korea.  Western European
babies are even more scarce than babies from the United States.
     Because there are more layers of bureaucracy to cut through--lawyers in
both countries, both governments, and, most likely, an orphanage--there's a
greater potential for problems in foreign adoption.  And foreign adoptions can
be quite costly--up to fifteen thousand dollars.  Worse, there is occasional
fraud in the foreign adoption business, and you could stand to lose your
money.  However, if all goes well, a foreign adoption can be arranged in as
little as nine months.
     The best route to take for a foreign adoption is to work through
well-established organizations.  There are several publications that will
guide you:

  -  The Latin America Parents Association (P.O. Box 72, Seaford, NY 11783)
     will send you a list of dependable adoption agencies and orphanages
     in Central and South America.

  -  If you want to deal directly with agencies that specialize in South
     Korean adoptions, write to:  Holt International Children's Services, P.O.
     Box 2880, Eugene, OR 97402.

  -  The U.S. Government Printing Office publishes a booklet entitled "The
     Immigration of Adopted and Prospective Adoptive Children."  Write to the
     Superintendent of Documents, U.S. Government Printing Office,
     Washington, DC 20402-9325.  Current price is $1.75.  The office
     recommends you call (202-783-3238) before writing for the booklet to
     check availability and price.

     If you're a single or otherwise nontraditional parent, foreign adoption
will be more open to you in some countries than in others.

     Open Adoptions

     Open adoption means something different to every agency.  For instance,
the birth mother and the adoptive parents can conceivably have an ongoing
relationship after the adoption.  In most instances, though, open adoption
means that the birth mother is allowed to write a letter to her child that the
adoptive parents will present to the child at a certain time, or that an
agreement is made to exchange pictures without names and addresses.
     Open adoption is easier on the birth mother, since her existence is
acknowledged.  This may help reduce her grief after the adoption has taken
place because she knows at least a little bit about her baby's situation.
When birth mothers have less apprehension, they're less likely to try to find
their children later on.

     Independent Adoptions

     Independent adoption means that you pay the medical and legal expenses
for a pregnant woman who will be giving up her child.  While this can be fast,
allowing you to bypass agency red tape and restrictions, it can be emotionally
devastating if the biological mother changes her mind at the last minute.
Also, the adoption is not final until a judge signs the adoption papers when
the baby is between six months and a year old.  Keep in mind that each state
has different laws about how long birth parents have the right to change their
minds.  If things work out, though, independent adoption can be a beautiful
experience.  You may get to take the baby home right from the hospital,
whereas with most other adoption methods you may not see the child before
she's a month old.  You also have greater intimacy and control, since you will
know the birth mother during her pregnancy.  Some adopting couples have
actually assisted in the delivery!
     The first step in an independent adoption is to find a birth mother.
This is easier said than done, but you can start by notifying relatives and
friends.  Other connections might be social workers, members of the clergy,
and doctors.  The important thing is to let lots of people know you're
looking.  If you contact the National Adoption Exchange (1218 Chestnut Street,
Philadelphia, PA 19107), they'll put you in touch with local independent
adoption groups.
     Know your state law.  We can't stress this enough.  An oversight with
regard to the law can overturn an adoption.  How long do birth parents have a
right to change their minds in your state?  Is it permissible to bring a baby
into your state from another?  With interstate adoptions, it's likely you'll
need to be in compliance with the Interstate Compact on the Placement of
Children, which operates in all parts of the country except New Jersey and
Washington, DC.  Does the law allow for you to have an intermediary (someone
to help you connect with the birth mother) in your state?  Whether or not you
can have a lawyer as an intermediary, you'll need one to advise you about the
law and to do the paperwork.
     Costs for independent adoptions can be less than those for private agency
adoptions.  Usually, you will pay the birth mother's medical and legal
expenses.  Some state laws allow you to pay her living expenses.  Whatever you
do pay, make sure you document it, because things like new cars for the
biological mother may suggest baby-buying to a judge, and that's illegal.

     Explaining Adoption

     While an adopted infant does not inquire about her origins, an adopted
toddler--like any toddler--may.  Direct answers to the queries of adopted
children are always best, but remember that a child under the age of three
hasn't the comprehension of an older child.  Simple, truthful answers to your
toddler's questions will satisfy her.  "You grew inside your mother, and now
you're our little girl," is one example.  As your child grows older, your
answers to her questions will become progressively more complex.
     Other family members--especially an adopted child's siblings, and
particularly those who are your natural children--should be included in your
plan of simple truthfulness.  Never try to hide facts about adoption from any
of your children.  To do so invites misunderstanding and painful future
revelations.

Finding a Support Group

     At some point, you're probably going to want more information about some
aspect of childbirth, parenthood, child development, or family life.  For that
reason, we've included this list of contacts.  Keep in mind that our list
provides the names of national organizations.  If you can't find the local
chapter of an organization in your phone book, the national office will be
able to give you addresses and phone numbers.  Many of these organizations
maintain extensive libraries in their areas of interest, so they can be a very
good source of information.  More often than not, if they don't have the
information you're looking for, they will know where you can get it.


ORGANIZATION                           PURPOSE

Action for Children's Television       National organization with local groups
20 University Road                     supporting and advocating quality
Cambridge, MA 02138                    children's TV programming.
617-876-6620

ALMA (Adoptees' Liberty Movement       Helps adoptees and natural parents
Association) Society                   search for each other.
P.O. Box 154
Washington Bridge Station
New York, NY 10033
212-581-1568

American Academy of Pediatrics         Doctors engaged in health care and
141 Northwest Point Road               medical treatment of children and
Elk Grove, IL 60007                    youth.
312-228-5005

American Red Cross                     International and community emergency
17th and D Streets NW                  services.
Washington, DC 20006
202-737-8300

American Speech and Hearing Assoc.     Specialists in speech and language
10801 Rockville Pike                   pathology and audiology.
Rockville, MD 20852
301-897-5700

Association for Childbirth at Home,    Provides referral service to doctors,
International                          nurses, and midwives, and classes for
P.O. Box 39498                         home birth.
Los Angeles, CA 90039
213-667-0839

Association for Retarded Citizens      Promotes treatment, research,
P.O. Box 6109                          understanding, and legislation;
Arlington, TX 76005                    advocates family services.
817-640-0204

C/SEC, Inc. (Cesarean/Support,         Provides emotional and physical support
Education and Concern)                 and education, and addresses of local
22 Forest Road                         support groups to parents who have had
Framingham, MA 01701                   cesarean births.
617-877-8266

Child Help USA                         Offers child-abuse counseling and
Box 630                                referrals to legal services.
Hollywood, CA 90028
800-422-4453

Child Welfare League                   Advocates improved services for
of America, Inc.                       deprived, dependent, or neglected
67 Irving Place                        children and families.
New York, NY 10003
212-254-7410

Committee for Single Adoptive Parents  Publishes source list and handbook for
P.O. Box 15084                         single adoptive parents.
Chevy Chase, MD 20815

Compassionate Friends                  Chapters provide informal self-help
P.O. Box 3696                          for parents who have experienced the
Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696               death of a child; aids parents in
312-990-0010                           positive resolution of grief.

Council for Exceptional Children       Concerned with education of handicapped
1920 Association Drive                 and gifted children; provides
Reston, VA 22091                       information and sponsors workshops,
703-620-3660                           conferences, and advocates.  Their
                                       Division for Early Childhood (same
                                       address) is dedicated to education and
                                       development issues concerning
                                       handicapped children and infants.

Family Services Association of         Federation of local agencies and groups
America, Inc.                          that provide family counseling, family
254 W. 31st Street                     life education, advocacy, and programs
New York, NY 10001                     focusing on parenting, mental health,
212-967-2740                           and marital issues.

Fatherhood Project                     Encourages male involvement with
c/o Bank Street College                childbearing and serves as a national
of Education                           clearinghouse for information on
610 W. 112th Street                    father-participation programs.
New York, NY 10025
212-663-7200

International Childbirth Education     Furthers educational, physical, and
Association                            emotional preparation for childbirth
P.O. Box 20048                         and breast-feeding.
Minneapolis, MN 55420
612-854-8660

La Leche League International          Advocate of breast-feeding; local
9616 Minneapolis Avenue                groups emphasize good mothering through
P.O. Box 1209                          breast-feeding.
Franklin Park, IL 60131-8209
312-455-7730

Maternity Center Association           For improvement of maternal care,
48 E. 92nd Street                      mother and infant health, and family
New York, NY 10128                     life.
212-369-7300

Mothers at Home                        Supports mothers who choose to stay
P.O. Box 2208                          home to raise families.
Merrifield, VA 22116
703-352-2292

Mothers Without Custody                Supports mothers living apart from
P.O. Box 56762                         minor children; helps establish local
Houston, TX 77027                      self-help groups.
713-840-1622

National Adoption Hotline              Offers agency resource list to
2025 M Street NW, Suite 512            prospective adoptive couples, and to
Washington, DC 20036                   mothers who wish to give up their
202-463-7563 (hotline)                 children for adoption.
202-463-7559 (office)

National Association of Parents and    Dedicated to establishing family-
Professionals for Safe Alternatives    centered, medically safe childbirth
in Childbirth (NAPSAC)                 programs.  Promotes natural childbirth
P.O. Box 428                           education.
Marble Hill, MO 63764
314-238-2010

National Committee for Prevention of   Provides information dealing with child
Child Abuse                            abuse prevention and parenting.
332 S. Michigan Avenue
Suite 950
Chicago, IL 60604
312-663-3520

National Congress of Parents           Interested in cooperation among home,
and Teachers (PTA)                     school, and community on behalf of
700 N. Rush Street                     youth and children.  Advocates of
Chicago, IL 60611                      legislation to benefit children.
312-787-0977

National Easter Seal Society           State and local societies support
2023 W. Ogden Avenue                   people with disabilities.  Disseminates
Chicago, IL 60612                      information.
312-243-8400

National Foundation--The March of      Promotes prevention of birth defects.
Dimes                                  Offers educational programs and helps
1275 Mamaroneck Avenue                 local groups establish prenatal care
White Plains, NY 10605                 and related services.
914-428-7100

National Organization of Adolescent    Promotes services, prevention, and
Pregnancy and Parenting                resolution of teen parenting problems.
P.O. Box 2365
Reston, VA 22090
703-435-3948

National Organization of               Will help you locate local support
Mothers of Twins Club                  groups for mothers who have had
12404 Princess Jeanne NE               multiple births.
Albuquerque, NM 87112
505-275-0955

National Sudden Infant Death           Concerned with SIDS; assists bereaved
Syndrome Foundation                    parents and families of high-risk
Two Metro Plaza, Suite 205             infants; supports research.
8240 Professional Place
Landover, MD 20785
301-459-3388

North American Council on Adoptive     Supports adoptions of special-needs
Children                               children, including older, handicapped,
P.O. Box 14808                         and disabled youngsters.  Refers
Minneapolis, MN 55414                  individuals to local support groups.
Send self-addressed stamped
envelope for reply.

Parents of Premature and High-Risk     Supports efforts of parents forming and
Infants International                  maintaining local groups; facilitates
University of Utah Health Sciences     communication between groups; offers
Center                                 resources and information.
50 N. Medical Drive
Room 2A210
Salt Lake City, UT 84132
801-581-5323

Parents Without Partners               Local support groups for single
8807 Colesville Road                   parents; provides information and
Silver Spring, MD 20910                publishes manuals, bibliographies,
301-588-9354                           resource lists, and brochures, as well
                                       as a monthly magazine.

Planned Parenthood Federation of       Operates 750 centers across the U.S.
America                                Centers offer counseling,
810 7th Avenue                         contraceptives, and practical
New York, NY 10019                     information.
212-541-7800

Self-Help Center                       Provides information and publishes
1600 Dodge Avenue                      directory of numerous self-help
Evanston, IL 60201                     organizations.
312-328-0470

Single Mothers by Choice               Support and information for single
P.O. Box 7788 FDR Station              women who have decided to have children
New York, NY 10150                     outside marriage.  Also provides
212-988-0993                           support and information for single men
                                       and women considering adoption.

Stepfamily Association of America,     Educational organization providing
Inc.                                   information and support for
602 E. Joppa Road                      step-families.  Acts as support network
Baltimore, MD 21204                    and national advocate for stepparents,
301-823-7570                           remarried parents, and their children.

United Cerebral Palsy Association      National organization of state and
66 E. 34th St.                         local affiliates helping individuals
New York, NY 10016                     with cerebral palsy and their families.
212-481-6300

U.S. Consumer Product Safety           Call their toll-free number for
Commission                             information on safety standards for
Washington, DC 20207                   cribs, toys, and other children's
800-638-CPSC                           accessories.  Area offices in major
                                       cities.