$Unique_ID{PAR00262} $Font{NP} $Pretitle{} $Title{Child Development: Family Structure} $Subtitle{} $Author{ Lansky, Vicki} $Subject{Family Structure lifestyles Nuclear Unit Spacing Birth Order Factor firstborn baby expectation expectations Only Children Late-Born father fathers siblings Extended families Work Works Working Parents Workplace Quality Time Single divorce divorced Never-Married Widow Widows Widowed Older Late Babies Adolescent Step-Families Love Adoption Adoptions adopt adopts adopted adopting ORGANIZATION ORGANIZATIONs child development} $Log{ The older sibling often adopts a caretaking role*0056901.tif} Complete Pregnancy and Baby Book Family Structure The Evolving Family Unit Despite the changing lifestyles and ever-increasing personal mobility that characterize modern society, the family remains the central element of contemporary life. Families offer warmth, security, and a measure of protection against an often uncaring world. But family structure, like society at large, has undergone significant changes in the years since World War II. While the nuclear family--with Dad, Mom, and offspring happily coexisting beneath one roof--remains the ideal, variations in family structure are plentiful--and often successful. Whatever your particular family situation, it will have tremendous influence upon your baby's happiness, development, and future life. The Nuclear Family Unit Spacing A majority of parents want more than one child, and once the first child is here or on the way, it's natural to wonder how long you should wait to have another. It's really a personal decision. On the one hand, many parents opt to wait a few years, until the first child is no longer in the demanding infant stage. These parents might tell you that the thought of dealing with two infants at once was just too overwhelming for them. On the other hand, parents who had their children in quick succession might tell you that they didn't have time to lose their touch between children, and that having two infants at a time is easier than having an infant and perhaps a toddler or even an older child, whose conflicting needs and demands involve a lot of gear-switching. One thing to consider when you're exploring the question of how many years to leave between brothers and sisters is what you want their roles with one another to be. If siblings are born several years apart, the older siblings often adopt a caretaking role with the younger siblings. When siblings are born closer together, they're more likely to relate as peers and playmates. All siblings are going to fight from time to time, and whether they're of the same or opposite sex is going to influence their relationships, too. Birth Order Factor If you've read any pop psychology, you've probably already come across the term birth order factor. It refers to a child's place in the family. There are certain traits that seem to go hand in hand with birth order. Birth order affects not only how your child sees herself, but also how you will parent your child. For instance, parents often have greater expectations of firstborn children. Research has shown consistent responses among children when they were asked for their perceptions and feelings about their "rank" in the birth order, so it's important for parents to be aware of how birth order may affect each child, and how it may cause you to overlook some things each child might be needing. The firstborn child is the "pioneer" in the family and, unless there's a remarriage into a family with other children, always enjoys the position of being the oldest. Firstborn children are often very dependable, responsible, loyal, and protective. They often assume a "little parent" role in the family. Among adults, a high percentage of firstborns can be found in such demanding professions as medicine and politics. Firstborns often say that their parents place too much responsibility on them in the family, and that parental expectations for them are too high. Since the firstborn child is an only child, at least for a while, she is the one child in the family who will ever know what it's like not to have to share attention with a sibling. For this reason, it's especially difficult for firstborns to deal with the birth of the second child. The second child is always going to be seen as a threat by a firstborn, since if it wasn't for him, the firstborn would still have exclusive claim to parental attention and energy. It's not unusual for a firstborn to plot ways to get rid of the second child. This may involve backbiting or actual physical attacks against the second child, or attention-getting behaviors like whining and crying. The second child experiences a much different world than the first, who has already paved the way for him. Second children often take the role of rebel, clown, entertainer, artist, troublemaker, loser, peacemaker, or negotiator in families. As adults, they often become lawyers and entertainers, continuing the roles they played as kids. Second children often feel that they don't get enough attention from their parents and, unlike firstborns, that their parents don't expect much from them. They complain about being compared to their older siblings, and often wish they would just be appreciated for who they are. They resent being bossed around by their older siblings. Middle children often express relief about being in the middle. Their parents are accustomed to parenting by the time they arrive, so some of the pressure is off. But middle children often feel unappreciated by and uninvolved with the rest of the family. They usually end up with all the hand-me-downs from the older child, which doesn't help them feel very special either (unless they happen to be the first sister or brother born into the family, a situation that would change the family dynamics a great deal). Middle children often see themselves as being dependable, self-reliant, diplomatic, and easygoing. Because they do tend to be very independent, they often end up in very independent sorts of jobs. As children, they often wish their parents would get more excited about their achievements, spend more time alone with them, and for heaven's sake, buy them something new once in a while. The baby, or youngest child in a family, usually has special status. The parents' expectations of the youngest child may be low, and this child doesn't have to do much to get all her needs met. For one thing, by the time the baby of the family is born, the parents have usually attained a healthy earning power, so things may be considerably easier than they were when the first child was born. The baby is showered with material possessions and special attention. She knows she has a special place in the family and learns to charm and manipulate other family members to get what she wants. Nonetheless, babies don't like being called babies; they want to be taken seriously. They often see themselves playing the role of the little one, the cute one, the spoiled one, or the one with the temper. Because they are surrounded by so many authority figures as children, they may end up in passive and submissive fields as adults. Some babies don't ever really grow up, and this is because their parents don't ever really allow them to, wanting them to forever remain their cute, precious, final child. Only Children There are lots of reasons for having only one child--sometimes the parents plan it that way; sometimes stillbirths, miscarriages, deaths, or medical problems prevent parents from having other children. These factors will affect how an only child views himself and how his parents view him. Most only children relish their position, even if they occasionally wish they had the companionship of brothers and sisters. Unfortunately, as parents age, an only child often becomes the sole caretaker, with no siblings to help out. Only children are often seen as being loners, overly responsible, lucky, perfect, fragile, strange, or very special. Only children themselves may feel lonely for lack of peer interaction. Due to their extensive exposure to adults, they might have difficulty being around other kids even when the opportunities exist. They often feel incredible pressure from their parents, since they're the last and only hope in the family. While parents of larger families may try to fulfill their own dreams through several children, when there's only one child, all of these wishes are focused on that child. Late-Born "Only" Children A child born several years after other siblings experiences some of the same things as an only child, especially if the older children have already grown up and left home. But he is also the baby of the family, and his role reflects this dual situation. Parents aren't as likely to pressure this child as much as they might a true only child. He does not have to share attention with his siblings, but can experience the loneliness and differentness that the only child feels, particularly if his parents are much older. This latter situation will come into play with special clarity when the child reaches school age and meets other children's parents. Advantages to having so-called "late" children are that there is little sibling rivalry, and the older siblings may be able to help their parents with the baby. Many of the anxieties of first-time parenting are gone, and parents are free to enjoy. For the older children, having a baby in the house may teach nurturing skills and increase their appreciation for what was once done for them. What often ensues is more open affection among everyone in the household. Forging the Family Unit What can family members do to enhance their bonding to each other, in an age when isolation of people in general may inhibit bonding within the family unit? Let's start at the beginning. Studies have shown that when a father is present for the birth of his child, the child's relationship with him in the first months of life is enhanced. If this is not the first child, it's important for siblings to be involved, too. Many hospitals are beginning to recognize this; many offer sibling programs to help prepare children for new brothers and sisters. Families can maximize closeness and reap practical benefits by having regular family meetings where plans are made and problems are discussed. Even small children can take part in some family decision-making and problem-solving: where to go on vacation, how to paper-train the puppy, and so forth. When all family members feel that they are valued and that their ideas are listened to, they are more likely to cooperate with each other. When families plan and do things together, they have more shared memories, which enhances their sense of family. Families can establish their own traditions and festive occasions when they enjoy particular activities, like visiting Grandma on Sundays or having a picnic on the Fourth of July. When family members plan and interact together, each experiences a sense of belonging, wholeness, and dignity. The Extended Family In days past, extended families played a big part in helping new parents. Grandparents were often present to help with the new baby. Extended-family members often lived under one roof, or just down the road; children saw their relatives often enough to know who was who. Today, this is frequently not the case. Modern extended families are often unlike extended families of years past. The New Extended Family While it's true that today's extended family is often spread out across the country, and Susie or Johnny may be walking--or even driving--before they meet some of the extended-family members, most families still have some extended family nearby. Geographical isolation is far more common among upper-middle-class families, who move for occupational opportunity, than it is among middle- and lower-class families, who tend to move to cities where they already have relatives. But even when extended-family members are relatively close by, there is no escaping the fact that families do live more privately than they once did. In some cases, extended families still give each other day-to-day assistance with shopping, child care, and household tasks. More often, though, each branch of the family retains its basic independence, but at some time may assist another branch with gifts, low- or no-interest loans, or advice. What does all this mean for kids? Essentially, children become more emotionally dependent on their parents when there are few significant adults in their lives. Don't expect your child to consider a seldom-seen relative important. Unless you find a way to open up your family's network, your children will probably be isolated from the extended family. Some families hold regular family get-togethers or large reunions to reestablish a more integrated sense of family. You can help your toddler begin to understand the idea of extended family by creating a special "My Family" photo album with pictures and names. When he or she is a little older, you can begin to illustrate the nature of the relationships with a family tree. Other families today are experimenting with alternative ways to open up the family. For instance, some form babysitting, food, and other kinds of cooperatives. This simply means that several couples pool specific resources. This lessens the burden of couples having to do everything solo. A family cluster is a way to create a surrogate extended family. Several families meet regularly and become emotionally close. They share values, attitudes, and tasks. Often, family clusters share possessions, like vacation homes and cars. For children, this provides an enlarged number of significant adults and "cousins." Working Parents The Workplace While many people prefer to work, it's no surprise that many new parents go back to work for financial reasons. Many return a lot sooner after childbirth than they may want to. A recent survey found that fewer than twenty-five percent of 153 national companies offered a sixteen-week maternity leave with a full salary. Most companies base the length of paid maternity leave on the amount of accumulated sick leave. Paternity leave--time off for the new father--is a wonderful concept. Unfortunately, it has yet to gain popularity with personnel benefits administrators. But there may be other options. You may be able to negotiate returning to work part-time at first, so you'll be a little less pressured until you and your baby have your routine down. Job sharing is another option that is gaining ground; it means that you and someone else, possibly another mother, share a full-time position. Also, take another look at your budget. Is it really going to be worthwhile to return to work when you consider the cost of child care? Or could you come out even by tightening up a little? As more and more parents work full-time, corporations are becoming increasingly involved in the problems of working parents. Corporations are not altruistic; they provide benefits when it costs them more money not to. Companies are adversely affected by parental problems of finding and paying for adequate day care and sick child care when they result in troubled and unproductive employees and in absenteeism. Most child-care benefits are provided in the form of resource and referral services, and as optional child care financial assistance in employee benefits packages. (When employees pick and choose a package of benefits out of many options, the program is said to offer cafeteria-style benefits.) Some companies in larger cities are also paying for sick-child care both in and out of the home, and a few firms actually run on-site day care centers or buy slots in nearby consortium centers; a consortium is formed when several organizations buy space in and support a day care center. Unfortunately, the majority of workers are not employed by these larger companies. At this writing, smaller employers just aren't providing these benefits. However, smaller companies are beginning to respond by offering flex-time (flexible working hours), flexible benefits (which may include financial help with child care), and work-at-home options. Assuming that you have decided to return to work and that you have some latitude about the timing, the next question is when. If you decide to go back in the first six to twelve weeks, make sure you properly introduce your baby to her caretaker(s), and make sure she gets used to being held and fed by that person while you're still present. Babies can tell the difference between one person and another almost as soon as they're born. In the first six to twelve weeks you will already know some of your baby's idiosyncrasies, and you can relate these to her caretaker(s). If you return to work when your child is about six months old, keep in mind that your child already has a sense of who you are, and a sense of his separateness. He may really fuss when you turn him over to the day care center, and he may cling to the teacher when you come to get him at the end of the day. It will help to find ways to make these daily transitions easier; perhaps a familiar toy or blanket or just a distraction will do the trick. Waiting a year to return to work will meet your need for time to get to know your child and share her first glimpses of the world. But at this point, going back to work may actually be more of a problem than it would have been early on. Your one-year-old is extremely possessive of you, and won't yet be able to understand why you're leaving. You may need to phase her into child care gradually. Your spouse may be able to ease the transaction by being there at times when you're not. It will be important to see that the caretaker is going to give your child the same kinds of stimulation that you've been providing; continuity is important to your child's emotional and developmental well-being. See Chapter 7 for information about day care options and selection. Quality Time As a working parent, you have many demands and little time at the end of the day. How can you get all the household chores done, have time to spend with your child, and maybe even have some time left over for yourself? Creativity is the key. Small children don't necessarily know the difference between work and play, so any way you can find to incorporate the two may help. For instance, one woman puts her baby in a backpack, turns on rock music, and "dances" while she vacuums the house. Taking your baby along while you do errands can be fun; if it's a nice day, why not take the stroller and walk? You might (watchfully) allow a toddler to play with the bubbles in the sink as you do the dishes. Toddlers can learn to set the table, and they take great pride in it. If your child begins to learn to pitch in with household responsibilities at an early age, there will be more time for everyone. The time you spend teaching her to do these things can be quality time, and your child will feel more valued and grown up. The thing to remember is that quality time does not have to be a major scheduled event. It might be the time you spend reading to your child right before bedtime, or the time you spend helping her build something with her blocks. Every task you must do with your child can be quality time--putting her to bed, getting her dressed, feeding her. The trip to and from the day care center can be a good time for you to hear about your child's day. You can use these moments for sharing feelings, or for laughing, and even arguing. Yes, you're going to argue, since your goals and your child's are going to conflict at times. When you aren't able to spend much time with your child, this will be painful for both of you, so it's important to sit down and talk about the conflict. Try to save some of your sick time so you can be available to be home with your child when she is ill. If the illness is nothing major, this time can be special for both of you. Your child will cherish being cuddled, being read to, and being listened to. Make your vacations family events, but don't schedule them so heavily that they are as stressful as everyday life! Establish weekend family routines or plans. Let your child contribute to those plans as early as possible. Trying to be a Supermom or Superdad while your children are very young can be draining. You can alleviate some of the stress by accepting that these years will be over sooner than you think. Focusing now on trying to have a perfectly kept house will rob you of time you could be reserving for yourself and your children. Make the most of this special time of early childhood. You'll miss it when it's gone. Single Parents If you've just experienced a divorce, a separation, or the death of your spouse, you may be totally overwhelmed with your loss and the new responsibilities of being a single parent. There you are, totally in charge of decision-making, finances, breadwinning, and nurturing. It's no wonder newly single parents often feel fatigue and depression. Most single parents today are women, who face a substantially lower income than their male counterparts. They often must rely on child support and government subsidies. Often, they must move to smaller, less expensive quarters in order to make ends meet. Coupled with the financial problems that they may already have is the fact that many employers are biased against single parents, because they think they're less reliable. The newly divorced or widowed parent doesn't face these changes alone; children also experience loss and a disruption of routine. Toddlers are affected more by how the parent is coping and by changes in routine than by the fact of the divorce or the death. When a parent dies or leaves, children need attention, affection, and reassurance; they need to be told how important they are. Without such assurance, your child may fear losing you, as well. Do your best to maintain schedules and routines as much as possible, and don't be lax about rules because you think things are already hard on your child--children need limits to feel secure; dispensing with rules is like dispensing with routine--it's unsettling. After a divorce, try to make sure your child sees his other parent regularly. It's important for you to try to maintain a relationship with your ex-spouse for the sake of coordinating visitation; cooperation and flexibility are essential, no matter what your personal feelings may be. It's also important that you don't say anything negative about your ex-partner to your child. You need to support your child's contact with him (here we're assuming the mother has custody) and with your former in-laws. If you can, seek support for yourself from relatives, your church, and social groups. If you have no support, the stress of being a single parent will be especially high. Parents Without Partners is a support group for single parents, with chapters in most communities. If you are what is referred to as the noncustodial parent (you don't have custody), you must also be willing to maintain contact with your ex-partner, despite your personal feelings. You must support your child in his relationship with her. If she is not allowing visitation, you must continue to let your child know you are there for him. This may seem futile, but at some point, when he is old enough to do things for himself, he will know how to contact you--and he will. If you have been granted visitation, you must find ways to continue having a parenting relationship with your child. Don't structure every moment spent with him as fun time; if you do, time spent won't be very real, and you and your child will never really know each other. The two of you need to talk quietly, and be reflective and honest. An unending succession of ball games and amusement parks will make this difficult. The concept of co-parenting, or joint custody is gaining momentum. It works best when both parents live in the same community and when they are able to maintain a very cooperative relationship, with high levels of communication. Joint custody is emotionally easier on fathers, who traditionally have not been granted custody. It allows them to remain involved in decision-making about their children; as a result, they remain financially responsible, because they feel as though they are part of their children's lives. Noncustodial fathers often back out of visitation and child support payments because they feel uninvolved with and unable to have an impact on their children's lives. Sometimes the noncustodial parent lives in another state; and though he may still be involved with his child, contact is limited to infrequent visits, telephone calls, and letters. For his contact to have much of an impact, he must master the arts of letter writing and phone calling. Writing creative, entertaining notes that the child can easily read and providing stamped return envelopes can keep communication going. Phone calls should be made at times convenient for everyone. When an ex-spouse is completely uninvolved, the single parent often doesn't know what to tell the child. It's important to allow a child to continue trying to contact a parent until she realizes the parent isn't going to respond. Often, the inclination is to prevent this in order to protect the child from being hurt; this backfires because the child will interpret this to mean that Mommy is trying to keep her away from Daddy. Once your child realizes that Daddy is gone and isn't coming back, you can help by allowing her to talk about him, as a way of working through her grief. Never-Married Single Mothers Many of today's single mothers have never been married. An increasing number of women have spent their twenties establishing themselves in their careers, and have not seriously desired to have children until they reached their thirties. By then they may feel that their "biological clock is ticking", and that if they wait until they meet a suitable marriage partner, it may be too late for childbearing. There is also increasing acceptance among younger women of the idea of having a child outside of marriage. Some women who opt for motherhood without marriage choose to become pregnant through artificial insemination. Many, however, discover that a lot of doctors are unwilling to artificially inseminate an unmarried woman. Some who choose artificial insemination genuinely do not want to become emotionally involved with the father of the child, and feel this would be inevitable if they knew him. Others, predominantly gay women, choose artificial insemination simply because it does not require a personal relationship with a male partner. Still others want to raise the child alone and fear that if they knew the father, he might later make claims on the child. Some women who want a child without getting married select a partner who is willing to father the child with no strings attached. Others agree that the "acknowledged father" will be involved in the child's life although the parents will not marry. There is also a practical side to knowing the man who will father the child: the prospective mother might fear contracting AIDS through artificial insemination by an unknown donor. Whatever their choice, however, these mothers are free to raise their children according to their own ideas and values, and they reap many of the rewards of parenting. On the other hand, they undertake heavy responsibilities, and risk the loneliness of parenting without a partner with whom to share both the burdens and the good times. For this reason, support groups for such single mothers have begun to spring up--at least in several major cities. Widowed Parents How well a family adjusts to the death of a parent depends a lot on how the parent died. When a parent dies after a short-term illness, the family may adjust more quickly than it would if the death were sudden or from a long-term illness. Other families may find that dealing with a long-term illness has given them time to work through some of their grief before the family member dies. Children go through essentially the same stages of grief as adults: shock and numbness, followed by grief and depression; then an emotional distancing from the loss; and finally creative adaptation to the loss. The thing to remember is that children display these feelings differently than do adults. Even children under the age of three feel the loss, though they may not understand the finality of death. Children may deny the death, they may act angry toward the deceased parent, and they may feel guilty, thinking they did something to make the parent go away. To help children, it's important to explain the death to them in language they can understand. Don't use euphemisms; they add to confusion and lead to questions like, "If we lost Daddy, why aren't we going to look for him?" Explanations that are too gentle can be confusing and even frightening; your child could fear that if he ever gets sick again, he will die, too. When children become depressed, they often come down with minor illnesses like colds and intestinal upsets, or they play less, or they become more clinging and dependent. You can help by understanding that your child is feeling a loss and needs to feel more secure. Be open and willing to talk to your child about his fears. You will undoubtedly need to find support for yourself, as well. You may get some from the children, depending on their ages, but you will also need adult support. If you can't rely on family--who may be telling you that you should be over your grief and carrying on with your life after a certain amount of time--we urge you to contact your local Widowed to Widowed group, where you can open up and find support in dealing with the changes you are experiencing in widowhood. It's not uncommon to need two to three years to adjust to the loss of a spouse. Older Parents It used to be that very few women had their first children after the age of thirty-five, though it was not uncommon for women to bear additional children in their middle years. Today, many women are not beginning to have children until they are in their thirties; there are a number of reasons for this. Many women are choosing to become established in their lives and careers before turning their thoughts to childbearing and to their biological clocks. Many see their twenties as a time to experiment and experience freedom. At this age, some women don't feel psychologically ready for the commitment of having children. Still other women, immersed in their careers, have such high expectations for themselves--and others--that they're unable to find mates who meet their qualifications for fatherhood. Though these women might opt to have children sooner, they often don't find a suitable situation for doing so until they're approaching forty. And then there are the couples who, for some reason, appear to be biologically unable to conceive until, just when they have about given up, they finally conceive. There are a number of positive aspects to having a first child in mid-life. There are also some drawbacks. First, the positives: - A new parent who is around age forty has fifteen to twenty years of adult life experience, and so has a lot more inner resources to draw on in times of stress than does a younger parent. - Middle-aged adults are usually at the height of their earning power, so there's more financial stability to support a child. - Having had time to sow their wild oats, middle-aged adults are ripe for being parents. They have a sense of identity--the child is not going to have to provide them with it. - Having a first child in mid-life provides a real sense of renewal. - Adults in mid-life have a deeper sense of the value of life itself, and so tend to place high value on the time they can spend with their children. While many of the positive things about having a baby in mid-life involve the joys of raising a small child, the drawbacks have mostly to do with the future, and with the parents' concerns about aging: - Older parents may have lower energy levels. They may wonder if they will have the energy to enjoy doing things with a child, or if they will have to hobble behind. - They wonder if they will live to see their child become an adult. Will they ever see their grandchildren? Will they very quickly become a burden to a child just as he is trying to get on his feet as a young adult? - When the age difference is forty or more years, quite a schism is created; parents worry whether their values will be at all relevant to their child. - Often when a child becomes a teenager--a difficult period for even young parents to deal with--older parents find themselves becoming impatient to return to the privacy they knew before their child was born, and longing for solitude and freedom from daily child care responsibility. This can create a lot of additional stress. Parents Who Have Late Babies Parents who have late babies--babies born ten or more years after their siblings--have a few advantages over parents who just start their families in their middle years. Often, the older children in these families can be relied on to take semi-parental roles with their new brothers and sisters. They can become built-in babysitters, making it easier for the parents to maintain their routines with less disruption. Having a late baby is less stressful than having a firstborn. Parents of late babies have plenty of experience in parenting and lots of confidence. They find they can enjoy their late-born children even more than their firstborns. A late child is a good lesson in sex education for the other children. Pregnancy will force adolescents to acknowledge their parents' sexuality; this may be uncomfortable for them and may cause them to become distant and even hostile. However, these feelings usually disappear when the baby comes along and Mom returns to a normal state and everyone is pampering the new baby. When all the children in the family are involved in preparing and caring for the baby, a late baby can provide a splendid lesson in parenting. In fact, parents often notice that their teens become more gentle, and the family closer, as a result. The new baby becomes a unifying influence, a point of common pleasure and concern. The drawbacks of having a firstborn in your middle years, however, still apply here. When that last-born child hits her teens, it's likely that the other kids will have grown up and moved out, and it's even more likely that after so many years of parenting, the parents will be tired and anxious to move to an empty nest. Another, more initial drawback to having a late baby is that a working mother may be kept from her job at a time when her income is especially needed for other children who may be approaching college age Nonworking mothers, too, may have difficulty adjusting to spending time at home with a baby. Adolescent Parents You have probably read how dismal the picture is for teenagers who choose to raise children in our society. We can't paint a pretty picture, either. If you're going to have a child and you're under twenty, there are some things you can do to enhance the picture, but you'll still be faced with lots of difficulties. Make sure you seek medical advice as soon as you know you're pregnant. It's unfortunate that most teens don't; often, they're embarrassed, don't know where to go to find advice, or just want to deny the pregnancy. Age, nutrition, and quality of care are all factors in maternal and baby health. Poor diet and lack of prenatal care can lead to complications like anemia, premature birth, and low birth weight. There is a long-term impact on the child when teens have and raise children. Because of poor prenatal care, there is often a high incidence of illness and mortality. Children often have educational and emotional problems later on. Research has shown that the younger the mother, the more likely it is that her child will have a lower IQ score. Children of teens often become victims of child abuse or neglect, simply because their parents are too immature to understand infant and child behaviors, and may get frustrated very easily. Or the parents simply tire of having a child around and want to go out and have some fun--because they're still kids themselves. They can be resentful at having to grow up in a hurry. Financially, teens who have children are more likely to end up living below the poverty level. Research shows that teen mothers tend to have additional children more rapidly, which means that they're even less likely to be able to offset child-care costs with income. This is compounded by the fact that teen mothers often terminate their education prematurely, and qualify only for poorly paying jobs; often they are financially better off on welfare. As a result, welfare dependency is widespread among single teen mothers. Unable to achieve financial independence, teens who have children often end up living with one or both of their parents. Statistics show that when teen fathers remain with their mates and children, their educational attainment is also reduced, and their long-term earning power is less than that of their peers. Most often, teen fathers are not involved, and it has been assumed that they don't want to be. Yet a recent study has found this to be a myth. Teen fathers want to help the mother and child, but they themselves need assistance and support. Unfortunately, until recently little or no attention has been paid to the problems of the teen father. Many of these young men have never had father figures themselves, and just don't know how to father. Some pilot programs now provide counseling and job training for teen fathers, and have been very successful in encouraging young fathers to stay involved with their children and provide the necessary financial support. Though there are presently only a few such programs, they are growing in number. We can tell you about all the perils of having a child as a teen, but if you have already made the choice, you need to seek help for yourself. Find out about teen pregnancy classes in your area by calling a hospital or family planning center. Such classes will prepare you for labor and provide support. Some classes will help you develop life skills and decision-making skills. If there are no teen pregnancy classes available, check your local YMCA or YWCA for other kinds of parenting classes and support groups. One program is the Minnesota Early Learning Design (MELD) for Young Moms (MYM). This program provides self-help groups led by former teen mothers. The groups meet one evening a week; teens are welcome to bring their babies. The evening includes a free meal, education, and time for sharing. The exact focus is determined by the needs of each group, but the objectives are: 1) to enhance understanding of child development, 2) heighten self-awareness and involvement in the outside world to help establish future goals, 3) develop assertiveness and information-seeking skills, and 4) improve the physical well-being of mother and child. If your community does not have an MYM group, you can find out how to start one by contacting Minnesota Early Learning Design, 123 N. 3rd Street, Eighth Floor, Minneapolis, MN 55401; 612-332-7563. The best way to eliminate the problems of being a teenage parent, or to prevent having more children, is to learn about and use contraceptives. The capacity to reproduce is at its highest between the ages of fifteen and eighteen, so it's no wonder that many teens who may think it's safe not to use contraception all the time, or to use it just once in a while, end up getting pregnant. For contraception to work, you must anticipate sexual activity and recognize the risk of pregnancy. Then you must obtain a contraceptive and talk to your partner about your intention to use it. And you must use it, and use it every time. If you need more information about contraceptives, ask your doctor. If that's not comfortable, find your local family planning center. Family planning centers generally have counselors who are patient and understanding and very willing to help; they won't think you're stupid for asking questions. On the contrary, they recognize that your questions are a reflection of your concern and your need to be informed, so that you can make responsible, mature decisions. Many family planning centers will provide you with contraceptives if you don't have the money to buy them, or they will sell them to you at a reduced rate. Take advantage of the opportunity. Step-Families While we still tend to think of families as consisting of a mother, a father, and their children, the reality is that with all the divorces and remarriages that occur in our society, a large number of families are actually step-families, or blended families. Unfortunately, in our society, the word "step" has gained a lot of negative connotations; we all read Cinderella, right? When parents remarry, they often have hopes that their new family will be a lot like the old one. Unfortunately, there are going to be some real differences between your new family and your old one. That's not to say that it can't be a happy family, but it's important to understand some of the wrinkles you'll be dealing with. In a remarried family, parenting is no longer solely the domain of the married couple; there's going to be at least one biological parent and possibly other stepparents in different households, not to mention both grandparents and step-grandparents. In this way, the remarried family is a more open system than a nuclear family. Typically, there are children moving in and out of the household for visitation, so the question of who's actually in the family is not always crystal clear. Not all the members of a remarried family have always been together, so it's likely they have different ways of doing things. In a nuclear family, kids don't question that their parents are indeed the parents. In a remarried family, the parents may not have been together long enough to reach a consensus about parenting issues; the kids may not accept parenting from the stepparents. This can be hard on adults as well as children. In a nuclear family, relatives and friends usually recognize all family members as a family. When you remarry, they may see you and your children as family, but not "him and those kids of his." That your new family isn't accepted by your extended family is hard. It's also important to know that the law doesn't recognize stepparent relationships. You can grow close to a stepchild over a number of years, but if you divorce the stepchild's biological parent, the law gives you no rights to visitation. Strong themes of loss recur in remarried families. Both parents and children come from other families that are no longer intact. If these losses have not been worked through, there may be continued fears of loss and abandonment, and emotional scars. If the parents are still at odds with their ex-spouses, the children will suffer from conflicting loyalties, and the new marriage can suffer as well. What often happens is that the children end up in the middle, often being used as spies between one household and the other. It's extremely important for all adults involved--the married couple and their ex-spouses--to cooperate with each other in a fair and frank manner with regard to the children. When children enter a remarried family where there are other children, their rank in the family is often changed. For instance, the oldest child may become the second child. Suddenly, the role of each child is unclear. It's also important to note that because step-siblings are not blood relatives, the incest taboo is not as clear. These are just a few of the dynamics that can make a remarried family very different from a nuclear family. We aren't trying to scare you away from entering into a remarried family, but we are trying to help you see that some of the intense feelings and complications that will come up are entirely normal. And there are some things you can do to minimize the difficulties. Before entering into a remarried family, it's important that all members have recovered from past losses. Your children may need to talk about your ex-spouse, and you may need to let them, regardless of how you feel about him or her. Before you all move in together, there are some steps you can take to ease the transition: - All individuals who will make up the new family need to be open about their fears. You all need to listen to each other. Know that it's going to take time for all of you to adjust to new roles and a different household. - Co-parenting relationships need to be maintained in a cooperative way with ex-spouses. This is important if loyalty conflicts are to be prevented. Kids need to hear that even though Mommy and Daddy don't want to be together anymore, they both love and care about their children. - Plan space for children in all households where they will be staying; it's very disconcerting for them not to have a space of their own. - Make sure everyone on all sides of the family (your family, your ex-spouse's family, and your new spouse's family) understands your new situation. - Make emotional room for all the new relationships and roles. To complete a healthy transition once you have all moved in together, you will need to accept that this is a different sort of family, one where roles will shift as different family members (for example, ex-spouses, and children who may not live with you all the time) come in and out of your life. Allow and encourage your new family to share memories and histories together. This will help all of you to integrate and become a family. It's important for children to know that the past has not been forgotten or negated by this new family. Don't overreact and become defensive if your stepchild compares you with his biological parent. Take time to establish a friendly relationship with stepchildren: don't jump into a disciplinary role too quickly, especially with older children. It's also important that you and your spouse support each other in parenting roles: if you don't, the children will sense it and play each of you against the other. The Development of Love It's not uncommon to enter into remarriage with the expectation that if you love your spouse, you will of course love his or her children. There are many reasons why "instant love" between parent and stepchild doesn't necessarily happen. The most basic is that those who have never had children may not have experienced being close to a child. Very often, "Instant love" is an unrealistic expectation that causes us to try to be Superparents. It's not uncommon to feel guilty about loving your own children more than your stepchildren. If you find yourself in this situation, it might be helpful to talk to a counselor or other supportive professional who can help you clarify the discrepancies that may exist between your beliefs and expectations and what is realistic. It may also be helpful for your spouse to consider whether his or her expectations may be inhibiting you from establishing a genuine relationship with your spouse's children. A stepparent is not a parent, but ultimately you and your stepchildren will build bonds that will reflect the unique relationship you have with them. Yours, Mine, Ours, and Theirs The decision of a remarried couple to have children of their own often helps harmonize relationships between step-siblings, probably because the blood relationship that all the siblings now have in common with the new child strengthens bonds. However, sometimes the step-siblings feel unimportant or left out. Complicating things further, about the same time you and your new spouse are having children, your ex-spouses may have remarried and may also be having children. So your biological child now has a half-sibling by your remarriage, a half-sibling by your ex-spouse's remarriage, and step-siblings by your spouse's ex-spouse's remarriage. If this is confusing for you to read, imagine what it's like for the children, especially if they're young! It may be helpful to sit down and map out a family tree. This will help the children better understand who's who, and will also help clear up some of your own confusion. Remarried families are very complex. Each additional member of the family system allows for another relationship or another role with every other member in the system. There can be biological parents and grandparents, stepparents and step-grandparents, siblings, half-siblings, and step-siblings. No wonder this becomes confusing! With this many people in a family and so many different kinds of relationships between these people, there's a lot of potential for stress. There's also an increased potential for a large support network if everyone communicates and cooperates. The rewards can be enormous. Adoption It used to be that there were hundreds of abandoned infants who needed parents. Due to legalized abortion, more widespread use of birth control, and decreased stigma for unwed mothers, this is no longer the case. If you want to take the traditional route of adopting a child through an agency, there may be several years' wait--if you qualify. But there are other avenues--private adoption, foreign adoption, open adoption, and independent adoption--none of them without perils. You'll need to ask yourself how much money you're willing to spend and what you're willing to endure. Before you begin, contact someone you know who has already adopted. If you don't know any adoptive parents, contact your local Library or human services agency for information on a local adoption support group. You will get lots of timesaving information from others who have been through the process. They'll tell you which agencies to avoid, and which agencies can best serve your set of circumstances. Adoption Agencies Don't kid yourself. If you're going to go through an adoption agency, know that each agency has its own profile of what it considers to be the "perfect parents." If you don't fit that profile--and an interviewer can tell with a few pointed questions--you won't even be given an application. The agency's profile will weigh factors pertaining to your age, stability, and parenting ability. If your application is satisfactory, you will be interviewed extensively. A social worker will be sent to your home, perhaps for several visits to do a home study, which involves being asked for a great deal of personal information. Though agencies generally won't arrange for nontraditional parents (older couples, singles, gays) to adopt, if you're interested in a special-needs child (defined as a child who is older, or handicapped in some way), an agency may be willing to work with you. Agency fees usually work on a sliding scale and range from a few hundred dollars to about five thousand dollars. Private Adoptions Private adoptions are usually arranged by lawyers who bring together parents who want to adopt and mothers who plan to give up their babies. Before considering this route, know the law. In some states, it is illegal to have an intermediate party search for the child, even though it may be legal for you to search for the child. A private adoption is sometimes the fastest way to locate an infant, and it often gives the biological mother a way to learn something about the adoptive parents. However, some agencies say that private adoption does not allow for a good home study, since the lawyers involved are chiefly concerned with the money that will change hands. In many cases, the lawyer represents both the adoptive parents and the birth mother, which usually means the birth mother doesn't get proper counseling or legal representation. Private adoption fees range from $3,500 to ten thousand dollars. Additionally, you often have to pay the birth mother's medical expenses. Foreign Adoptions Foreign adoptions can be arranged through traditional as well as specialized agencies. They can also be arranged by dealing directly with foreign agencies or intermediaries. Most recent foreign adoptions were from India, Latin America, the Philippines, and South Korea. Western European babies are even more scarce than babies from the United States. Because there are more layers of bureaucracy to cut through--lawyers in both countries, both governments, and, most likely, an orphanage--there's a greater potential for problems in foreign adoption. And foreign adoptions can be quite costly--up to fifteen thousand dollars. Worse, there is occasional fraud in the foreign adoption business, and you could stand to lose your money. However, if all goes well, a foreign adoption can be arranged in as little as nine months. The best route to take for a foreign adoption is to work through well-established organizations. There are several publications that will guide you: - The Latin America Parents Association (P.O. Box 72, Seaford, NY 11783) will send you a list of dependable adoption agencies and orphanages in Central and South America. - If you want to deal directly with agencies that specialize in South Korean adoptions, write to: Holt International Children's Services, P.O. Box 2880, Eugene, OR 97402. - The U.S. Government Printing Office publishes a booklet entitled "The Immigration of Adopted and Prospective Adoptive Children." Write to the Superintendent of Documents, U.S. Government Printing Office, Washington, DC 20402-9325. Current price is $1.75. The office recommends you call (202-783-3238) before writing for the booklet to check availability and price. If you're a single or otherwise nontraditional parent, foreign adoption will be more open to you in some countries than in others. Open Adoptions Open adoption means something different to every agency. For instance, the birth mother and the adoptive parents can conceivably have an ongoing relationship after the adoption. In most instances, though, open adoption means that the birth mother is allowed to write a letter to her child that the adoptive parents will present to the child at a certain time, or that an agreement is made to exchange pictures without names and addresses. Open adoption is easier on the birth mother, since her existence is acknowledged. This may help reduce her grief after the adoption has taken place because she knows at least a little bit about her baby's situation. When birth mothers have less apprehension, they're less likely to try to find their children later on. Independent Adoptions Independent adoption means that you pay the medical and legal expenses for a pregnant woman who will be giving up her child. While this can be fast, allowing you to bypass agency red tape and restrictions, it can be emotionally devastating if the biological mother changes her mind at the last minute. Also, the adoption is not final until a judge signs the adoption papers when the baby is between six months and a year old. Keep in mind that each state has different laws about how long birth parents have the right to change their minds. If things work out, though, independent adoption can be a beautiful experience. You may get to take the baby home right from the hospital, whereas with most other adoption methods you may not see the child before she's a month old. You also have greater intimacy and control, since you will know the birth mother during her pregnancy. Some adopting couples have actually assisted in the delivery! The first step in an independent adoption is to find a birth mother. This is easier said than done, but you can start by notifying relatives and friends. Other connections might be social workers, members of the clergy, and doctors. The important thing is to let lots of people know you're looking. If you contact the National Adoption Exchange (1218 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia, PA 19107), they'll put you in touch with local independent adoption groups. Know your state law. We can't stress this enough. An oversight with regard to the law can overturn an adoption. How long do birth parents have a right to change their minds in your state? Is it permissible to bring a baby into your state from another? With interstate adoptions, it's likely you'll need to be in compliance with the Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children, which operates in all parts of the country except New Jersey and Washington, DC. Does the law allow for you to have an intermediary (someone to help you connect with the birth mother) in your state? Whether or not you can have a lawyer as an intermediary, you'll need one to advise you about the law and to do the paperwork. Costs for independent adoptions can be less than those for private agency adoptions. Usually, you will pay the birth mother's medical and legal expenses. Some state laws allow you to pay her living expenses. Whatever you do pay, make sure you document it, because things like new cars for the biological mother may suggest baby-buying to a judge, and that's illegal. Explaining Adoption While an adopted infant does not inquire about her origins, an adopted toddler--like any toddler--may. Direct answers to the queries of adopted children are always best, but remember that a child under the age of three hasn't the comprehension of an older child. Simple, truthful answers to your toddler's questions will satisfy her. "You grew inside your mother, and now you're our little girl," is one example. As your child grows older, your answers to her questions will become progressively more complex. Other family members--especially an adopted child's siblings, and particularly those who are your natural children--should be included in your plan of simple truthfulness. Never try to hide facts about adoption from any of your children. To do so invites misunderstanding and painful future revelations. Finding a Support Group At some point, you're probably going to want more information about some aspect of childbirth, parenthood, child development, or family life. For that reason, we've included this list of contacts. Keep in mind that our list provides the names of national organizations. If you can't find the local chapter of an organization in your phone book, the national office will be able to give you addresses and phone numbers. Many of these organizations maintain extensive libraries in their areas of interest, so they can be a very good source of information. More often than not, if they don't have the information you're looking for, they will know where you can get it. ORGANIZATION PURPOSE Action for Children's Television National organization with local groups 20 University Road supporting and advocating quality Cambridge, MA 02138 children's TV programming. 617-876-6620 ALMA (Adoptees' Liberty Movement Helps adoptees and natural parents Association) Society search for each other. P.O. Box 154 Washington Bridge Station New York, NY 10033 212-581-1568 American Academy of Pediatrics Doctors engaged in health care and 141 Northwest Point Road medical treatment of children and Elk Grove, IL 60007 youth. 312-228-5005 American Red Cross International and community emergency 17th and D Streets NW services. Washington, DC 20006 202-737-8300 American Speech and Hearing Assoc. Specialists in speech and language 10801 Rockville Pike pathology and audiology. Rockville, MD 20852 301-897-5700 Association for Childbirth at Home, Provides referral service to doctors, International nurses, and midwives, and classes for P.O. Box 39498 home birth. Los Angeles, CA 90039 213-667-0839 Association for Retarded Citizens Promotes treatment, research, P.O. Box 6109 understanding, and legislation; Arlington, TX 76005 advocates family services. 817-640-0204 C/SEC, Inc. (Cesarean/Support, Provides emotional and physical support Education and Concern) and education, and addresses of local 22 Forest Road support groups to parents who have had Framingham, MA 01701 cesarean births. 617-877-8266 Child Help USA Offers child-abuse counseling and Box 630 referrals to legal services. Hollywood, CA 90028 800-422-4453 Child Welfare League Advocates improved services for of America, Inc. deprived, dependent, or neglected 67 Irving Place children and families. New York, NY 10003 212-254-7410 Committee for Single Adoptive Parents Publishes source list and handbook for P.O. Box 15084 single adoptive parents. Chevy Chase, MD 20815 Compassionate Friends Chapters provide informal self-help P.O. Box 3696 for parents who have experienced the Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696 death of a child; aids parents in 312-990-0010 positive resolution of grief. Council for Exceptional Children Concerned with education of handicapped 1920 Association Drive and gifted children; provides Reston, VA 22091 information and sponsors workshops, 703-620-3660 conferences, and advocates. Their Division for Early Childhood (same address) is dedicated to education and development issues concerning handicapped children and infants. Family Services Association of Federation of local agencies and groups America, Inc. that provide family counseling, family 254 W. 31st Street life education, advocacy, and programs New York, NY 10001 focusing on parenting, mental health, 212-967-2740 and marital issues. Fatherhood Project Encourages male involvement with c/o Bank Street College childbearing and serves as a national of Education clearinghouse for information on 610 W. 112th Street father-participation programs. New York, NY 10025 212-663-7200 International Childbirth Education Furthers educational, physical, and Association emotional preparation for childbirth P.O. Box 20048 and breast-feeding. Minneapolis, MN 55420 612-854-8660 La Leche League International Advocate of breast-feeding; local 9616 Minneapolis Avenue groups emphasize good mothering through P.O. Box 1209 breast-feeding. Franklin Park, IL 60131-8209 312-455-7730 Maternity Center Association For improvement of maternal care, 48 E. 92nd Street mother and infant health, and family New York, NY 10128 life. 212-369-7300 Mothers at Home Supports mothers who choose to stay P.O. Box 2208 home to raise families. Merrifield, VA 22116 703-352-2292 Mothers Without Custody Supports mothers living apart from P.O. Box 56762 minor children; helps establish local Houston, TX 77027 self-help groups. 713-840-1622 National Adoption Hotline Offers agency resource list to 2025 M Street NW, Suite 512 prospective adoptive couples, and to Washington, DC 20036 mothers who wish to give up their 202-463-7563 (hotline) children for adoption. 202-463-7559 (office) National Association of Parents and Dedicated to establishing family- Professionals for Safe Alternatives centered, medically safe childbirth in Childbirth (NAPSAC) programs. Promotes natural childbirth P.O. Box 428 education. Marble Hill, MO 63764 314-238-2010 National Committee for Prevention of Provides information dealing with child Child Abuse abuse prevention and parenting. 332 S. Michigan Avenue Suite 950 Chicago, IL 60604 312-663-3520 National Congress of Parents Interested in cooperation among home, and Teachers (PTA) school, and community on behalf of 700 N. Rush Street youth and children. Advocates of Chicago, IL 60611 legislation to benefit children. 312-787-0977 National Easter Seal Society State and local societies support 2023 W. Ogden Avenue people with disabilities. Disseminates Chicago, IL 60612 information. 312-243-8400 National Foundation--The March of Promotes prevention of birth defects. Dimes Offers educational programs and helps 1275 Mamaroneck Avenue local groups establish prenatal care White Plains, NY 10605 and related services. 914-428-7100 National Organization of Adolescent Promotes services, prevention, and Pregnancy and Parenting resolution of teen parenting problems. P.O. Box 2365 Reston, VA 22090 703-435-3948 National Organization of Will help you locate local support Mothers of Twins Club groups for mothers who have had 12404 Princess Jeanne NE multiple births. Albuquerque, NM 87112 505-275-0955 National Sudden Infant Death Concerned with SIDS; assists bereaved Syndrome Foundation parents and families of high-risk Two Metro Plaza, Suite 205 infants; supports research. 8240 Professional Place Landover, MD 20785 301-459-3388 North American Council on Adoptive Supports adoptions of special-needs Children children, including older, handicapped, P.O. Box 14808 and disabled youngsters. Refers Minneapolis, MN 55414 individuals to local support groups. Send self-addressed stamped envelope for reply. Parents of Premature and High-Risk Supports efforts of parents forming and Infants International maintaining local groups; facilitates University of Utah Health Sciences communication between groups; offers Center resources and information. 50 N. Medical Drive Room 2A210 Salt Lake City, UT 84132 801-581-5323 Parents Without Partners Local support groups for single 8807 Colesville Road parents; provides information and Silver Spring, MD 20910 publishes manuals, bibliographies, 301-588-9354 resource lists, and brochures, as well as a monthly magazine. Planned Parenthood Federation of Operates 750 centers across the U.S. America Centers offer counseling, 810 7th Avenue contraceptives, and practical New York, NY 10019 information. 212-541-7800 Self-Help Center Provides information and publishes 1600 Dodge Avenue directory of numerous self-help Evanston, IL 60201 organizations. 312-328-0470 Single Mothers by Choice Support and information for single P.O. Box 7788 FDR Station women who have decided to have children New York, NY 10150 outside marriage. Also provides 212-988-0993 support and information for single men and women considering adoption. Stepfamily Association of America, Educational organization providing Inc. information and support for 602 E. Joppa Road step-families. Acts as support network Baltimore, MD 21204 and national advocate for stepparents, 301-823-7570 remarried parents, and their children. United Cerebral Palsy Association National organization of state and 66 E. 34th St. local affiliates helping individuals New York, NY 10016 with cerebral palsy and their families. 212-481-6300 U.S. Consumer Product Safety Call their toll-free number for Commission information on safety standards for Washington, DC 20207 cribs, toys, and other children's 800-638-CPSC accessories. Area offices in major cities.