ftp.ee.pdx.edu/2014.02.ftp.ee.pdx.edu.tar/ftp.ee.pdx.edu/pub/mst3k/sol/sol.33

Internet Message Format | 1994-02-02 | 38KB

From rsk  Sun Dec 20 21:32:40 1992
Date: Sun, 20 Dec 92 21:32:40 EST
From: rsk (Rich Kulawiec)
Posted-Date: Sun, 20 Dec 92 21:32:40 EST
Received-Date: Sun, 20 Dec 92 21:32:40 EST
Message-Id: <[e-mail]>
To: [e-mail]
Subject: Satellite of Love News #33
Status: RO


Howdy, folks and welcome to another SOLN.  Hope you're all enjoying
the holiday season and that you survived this year's showing of
"Santa Claus vs. The Martians".  Be sure to drive your forklifts
carefully, and please don't experiment with eggnog epicacs on
the New Year's Eve.  Thanks!

---Rsk

"Ah, excuse me, I just gotta mate with a Tilt-A-Whirl here".
    --- Crow, speaking for Gamera in "Gamera vs. Gaos"

----------

From: Mark Holtz <[e-mail]>
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 92 22:35:57 PDT
Subject: Misc. Items

See issue #25 if you don't understand below.....

Show 412
Hercules and the Captive Women
7/15/92

During "Rocketship X-M", the season premiere of season 2 of MST3K, at the end,
Crow comments about being locked in a capsule watching people dying in a
capsule. Joel says, "Why didn't you show us 'Marooned'?", to which Dr.
Forester responds "We couldn't get it". In the fourth season, they show
"Stranded in Space" which was a reedited "Marooned".

One thing that I noticed after watching Herc & The Captive Women and Side
Hackers is that every 'bot in the Robot Roll Call has made comments during the
movie. Gypsy made a comment about steam cleaned horses during the Captive
Women, and, during the race scene of Sidehackers, Cambot did the following
ESPN-style:
                     C  S
                     A  C
                     M  O
                     B  R
                     O  E
                     T' B
                     S  O
                        A
                        R
SIDEHACKING RESULTS     D
-------------------
Joel & Bots     5    3rd
Mad Scientists  0

Boredom         9    Final
Movie           1

Also, Nexus passed this along to me.......

   Fri Sep 4 1992 23:31 CROOOOW! from Nexus
Found this great callender for next year at the State Fair, it's called SCREAM
GEMS:THOSE CAMPY CLASSICS OF THE FIFTIES AND SIXTIES.  Every month it has the
picture of a movie poster and a discription about it.  Now, the kicker is
that I've seen some of these movies lately, like...TEENAGERS FROM OUTER
SPACE, THE GIANT GILA MONSTER, THE GIANT LEECHES, THE KILLER SHREWS, AND THE
AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN.  Pretty cool, might want to look for it at Tower.
--
Mark Arthur Holtz
[e-mail]

----------

From: [e-mail] (Jon Hughes)
Date: Mon, 9 Nov 92 1:59:16 EST
Subject: The Mystery Science Theatre 3000 Drinking Game

I noticed a lot of submissions from netters (though I haven't
had a chance to read them all yet) and decided to send in something
that I created a while back (and update infrequently) for
consideration.  (It's primarily a joke, a not an endorsement of
indiscriminate use of alcohol.)

Jon

          The Mystery Science Theatre 3000 Drinking Game
                            v 2.43
                      By Jonathan Hughes
                   [e-mail]

Watching MST3K is a labor of love, but some weeks the movie is
_SOOO_ bad that it becomes downright laborious. To help you,
the loyal viewer, endure those terrible movies, and to add to
the general fun of watching MST3K, I now present the (Unofficial)
MST3K Drinking Game, henceforth refered to as Drink MST3K. Enjoy!


            *** How to use the Drink MST3K Rules ***

First, get your favorite drink, with plenty of materials for
refills if necessary. Next, sit down in front of your TV,
turn down your lights (where applicable), and watch the show.
Every time something occurs in the show that is covered by any
of the rules below, take a sip, or chug (finish) your drink,
depending on the rule. Refill your drink when you've finished
it (either by chugging or constant sipping). Repeat until the
end of the show.

Now, seeing as how there are a plethora of rules, you may want
to tone down some rules or disregard others altogether. (WIMPS!)
However, if you want to play 'purist' (or 'masochistic') Drink
MST3K, apply all the rules through the opening song and any
MST3K commercials. Either way, I can only hope you have as much
fun using these rules as I did making (and playtesting) them.


                 *** THE RULES TO DRINK MST3K ***

                         *** Sip for ***

                      *** Host Segments ***

The song, whenever "lalala" is sung in the background.  Otherwise
    it is your duty to sing along with the song the best you can.
Each of the doors. Take a long sip for the last door.
Movie Sign.
Commercial Sign.
The Computer speaks.
Deep Hurting.
Joel refers to the Satellite of Love.
Scientists calling. Two sips if Joel can't think of something
    sarcastic to refer to them by (Das elusive uberlords, etc).
Cambot putting a letter on stills. Two sips if the letter
    includes any pictures of the cast. Five sips if the
    pictures look like they were drawn by 5-year olds.
Cambot switching to Rocket #9.
A special guest. Two sips if they use the HexScreen to talk
    to them.
Whenever Tom Servo or Crow gets a RamChip at the end of the
    movie. Chug if they _both_ get one.
A (pseudo)original song.  Take a _long_ sip afterwards if
    you didn't laugh during the song; you need to loosen up.
Whenever Crow and Tom Servo appear in costume. Take two
    sips if Gypsy also appears in costume.
Tom Servo starts to cry. Take two sips if Crow's teasing
    was the cause.
Whenever someone mentions Crow's full name.  (Crow T. Robot)
Whenever someone mentions Frank's full name.  (TV's Frank)
Every time Gypsy has a line.
Any robot crew member appears in any state of disrepair (arm
    missing, face blown up, etc).  Also included in this is
    any time a robot's programming is malfunctioning.
Every time Joel and the 'bots try to get Frank to push the
    button that brings back the Satellite of Love.


                    *** During the movie ***

Every stupid misconception about laws of physics, chemistry,
    astronomy, geology, computer science, etc.  Chug for a
    flagrant violation. (Note: this applies to the movie
    only. Host segments are exempt from this rule.)
Every name you recognize in the credits. Chug if someone
    in the room has the same name as someone in the credits.
Extraneous stock footage or unnecessary padding in the film.
    Take an extra sip if someone calls attention to it.
Every bad pun.
Every repeat mention of a joke. (Includes exact reuse of a
    joke or jokes of a similiar theme (white supremacy, etc.))
Joel reaches up toward the screen to try to fix something
    wrong with the movie.
Everyone shouts in unison. Two sips if they shout "Shut up!"


                         *** Chug for ***

                      *** Host Segments ***

Invention exchange. Take an extra sip if the scientists
    win.  Take an extra _two_ sips if they blatantly
    steal Joel's idea or he beats them to the punch.
Tom Servo announces over KSOL or he does "the voice".
"Push the button, Frank."  (Note: Anyone who has not finished
    their drink by the end of the credits cannot drink the
    next time Drink MST3K is played.)


                    *** During the movie ***

Crow uses the line "By this time his lungs are aching
    for air." (Or some variation thereof.) But just sip
    if he is stopped before finishing the line.
Tom Servo uses the line "The ocean, source of all life."
    (Or some variation thereof.)
Joel uses the line "Switch to decaf."
A snake is part of useless stock footage and someone says
    "Hi. I'm Satan. Enjoy the rest of the film."  Take two
    sips for every subsequent appearance of the snake.
A cloud/sun scene is a useless transition shot and someone
    uses the line "Hi, I'm God." (Or some variation thereof.)
Someone says "Hi-keeba."
Someone slams the Rennaisance Fair and its participants.


                     *** Special rules ***

Two sips if the film is so short they must show something
    else (public service film, serial, etc.).
Two sips if the "film" is two episodes of a failed TV show
    strung together.  Chug at the change of episode mark.
Three sips for a George Lippert film.
Four sips for a Gamera movie.
Four sips for a Hercules movie.
Five sips for a Godzilla movie.
Chug for any appearance of Tippy the turtle.
Finally, take a _loooong_ drink every time you catch yourself
    paying attention to the film. You obviously need it.

----------

From: [e-mail]
Date: 10 Nov 1992 23:54:12 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Various MST3K thoughts

As a new member of the mailing list approaching her first anniversary of
MST3K fan-dom (I discovered it on Turkey Day of last year), I decided to add
a little something to this newsletter. Upon reading some back issues kindly
uploaded to CompuServe by a devoted fan, I noticed a message thread quite
a while back about the symptoms exhibited by MST3K fans while watching movies,
TV shows, poetry readings, etc.: namely, talking back to the medium in
question. I'd like to share a potentially dangerous variation on this. While
sitting in my Classic Drama class (a required evil for dramatic writing majors
at NYU's Tisch School of the Arts), I was slightly bored during a nit-picking
discussion of "The Bacchae." The teacher made a comment alng the lines of:
"We now switch into a different gear." Totally out of my own control, I heard
myself say, considerably louder than necessary, "*Richard* Gere?" Several
people around me, similarly stultified, collapsed in stifled giggles (a really
bizarre sight) and the teacher turned towards me for a moment. (Luckily he
became distracted by another question.) I've now decided MST3K is seriously
hazardous to my chances of obtaining a BFA anytime in the next few years.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest,
Johanna "Joey" Drasner
CompuServe: 71043,200

----------

From: [e-mail]
Date: Mon, 30 Nov 92 00:54 EST
Subject: request for missing shows

    i have the following mst 3k shows on tape. i live in
central-northern nj. i would like to acquire shows i do not have.
anyone willing to arrange something (including swapping shows)
should contact me at [e-mail]. i would greatly
prefer S-VHS sources but i'll take anything i can get.

amazing colossal man [vhs ep]
beatnicks + general hospital [s-vhs ep]
catalina caper [vhs ep]
cave dwellers [s-vhs ep]
cave dwellers [vhs ep]
city limits [s-vhs ep]
daddy-o + alphabet antics [s-vhs ep]
earth vs the spider + speech: using your voice [s-vhs ep]
fire maidens from outer space [s-vhs ep]
fugitive alien [jack perkins] [vhs ep]
gamera vs barugon [ui wars crow/tom] [s-vhs ep]
gamera vs guiron + aquatic world [s-vhs ep]
godzilla vs the sea monster [vhs ep]
hercules against the moon men [s-vhs ep]
hercules and the captive women [s-vhs ep]
hercules unchained [s-vhs ep]
it conquered the world + snow thrills [s-vhs ep]
jungle goddess + phantom creeps [vhs ep]
killer shrews + junior rodeo daredevils [s-vhs ep]
king dinosaur + x marks the spot [vhs ep]
lost continent [rock climbing!] [s-vhs ep]
magic sword [s-vhs ep]
manhunt in space + general hospital [s-vhs ep]
master ninja i [s-vhs ep]
master ninja ii [s-vhs ep]
mighty jack [s-vhs ep]
pod people [vhs ep]
ring of terror [s-vhs ep]
rocketship x-m [s-vhs ep]
santa claus vs the martians [patrick swayze xmas] [s-vhs ep]
side-hackers [s-vhs ep]
space travellers [s-vhs ep]
teenage caveman + catching trouble [s-vhs ep]
teenagers from outer space [s-vhs ep]
the castle of fu manchu [s-vhs ep]
the corpse vanishes + commander cody [vhs ep]
the crawling hand [vhs ep]
the giant gila monster [s-vhs ep]
the hellcats [vhs ep]
the unearthly + posture pals + appreciating our parents [s-vhs ep]
this is mst 3k [s-vhs sp 30mins]
tormented [s-vhs ep]
undersea kingdom [giant leeches] [s-vhs ep]
wild rebels [s-vhs ep]
women of the prehistoric planet [vhs ep]

----------

From: [e-mail]
Date: Tue, 1 Dec 92 13:23:43 EST
Subject: Just a few top tens I drummed out...

It's been a while since I've submitted anything.. but I'm still out
here and still circulating the tapes...


TOP 10 THINGS TOM SERVO AND CROW DO AROUND THE S.O.L. WHEN NOT
            BEING TORTURED WITH CHEESY MOVIES
--=-=--=---=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
10)  Enjoy fine spirited contests of Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots
     (from Marx).
 9)  Plan new exciting Hats for the next Hat Party.
 8)  Pin the Tail on the Gypsy.
 7)  Prank call the Mad Scientists at Deep 13.
 6)  Argue the existence of a supreme being, then argue whether
     or not his identity is Jack Palance or Soupy Sales.
 5)  Play "Keep Away" with Joel's grapes.
 4)  Snack on ram chips and watch re-runs of My Favorite
     Martian.
 3)  Thursday Night Chess Matches with TV's Frank and Jack
     Perkins.  Of course, Jack never makes it past the fifth
     move before he's launched into some monologue.
 2)  Nothing.  They're not on the clock.
 1)  Continue work on their ground-breaking experiment that,
     when finished, will prove that the root of all evil
     is a combination of household items including Silly
     String, Spam, Fabric Softener and common Fruitcake.


TOP 10 WAYS JOEL AND THE BOTS TRY TO GET TV'S FRANK TO BRING
           THE SATELLITE OF LOVE DOWN TO EARTH
-=-=-=-=-=--=-==-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=
10)  Bribe him with Thruster Buster burgers.
 9)  They TRYYYYY to kill him with a forklift.  Ole!
 8)  Dress up like Dr. Forrester and tell him to push the
     button.
 7)  Put a blank sheet of black paper over Cambot, tricking
     Frank into thinking the Satellite of Love has blown up
     so he will bring it down to see what happened to it.
 6)  Hide and Go Seek until Frank gives up.
 5)  Get Gypsy to try and hypnotize Frank.  Unfortunately,
     side effects are that Frank chants "Richard Basehart"
     for days afterwards.
 4)  Joel challenges Frank to a Shatner-type death-match of
     Connect Four.  Plan backfires as several black checkers
     are missing from set.
 3)  Tell Frank his pizza is getting cold up at the S.O.L.
 2)  Sell Frank on story that aliens took over Crow's body
     and Dr. F needs to experiement on him.
 1)  Subliminal suggestion.  Never works as Frank just looks
     at the camera for days on end as a result.



TOP 10 BUMPER STICKERS FOUND ON THE BACK OF THE SATELLITE
                       OF LOVE
-=-=--=-==-=--=-=-==--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
10)  We Brake For Anyone (Except Gallagher)
 9)  How's Our Driving?  Call 1-800-TVF-RANK
 8)  Plot's Around Here Somewhere
 7)  Don't Follow Us: We're Trapped Up Here
 6)  Earth Or Bust
 5)  Smile -- You're On Rocket Number Nine
 4)  Hang In There Glen!
 3)  Robots On Board
 2)  Bite Me, It's Fun!
 1)  Property Of Gizmonic Institutes
     If Lost Please Return To Deep 13

Courtesy of:  The University of Florida MST3K Fan Club
              a.k.a. Sandy Frank and the Fugitive Forklifts

Chad 'Mr.B' Jackson
[e-mail]
"Yes, I taped 36 hours of MST3K this weekend.  What's your problem?
Now give me ANOTHER cup of coffee before I rip your head off!!"

----------

From: [e-mail]
Date: Thu, 03 Dec 92 23:42:16 EST
Subject: Anxiety Montage

Forget about ME-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E?!!!  The Quack is ba--!

>>[Stop him.  Please.  Use a forklift if you have to.  -Rsk]

OK!  Ffffffinnnnnne.  Like, I'm not The Quack anymore.  Gah!
Quit shakin' me, Dahd!  I wonder if Funkster, Major Matt Mason,
Chucka Zulu, Llama, and other MiSTies with identity crises
get this kind of abuse?  Shee!  How'd that go, Mr. Hughes?:
Wing strut A into...forget it.

Anyway, it's been a long time since I typed something in for yous
peoples, so I now present the following.  It's a collection of
transcripts of my favorite host segments.   What makes these skits
stand out from others are the overwhelming sense of doom, certain
death (ha ha ha!), and hence plenty of screaming which earns
this collection the title of the MST3K: ANXIETY MONTAGE!!!
Here are:
From MIGHTY JACK:  WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT THING?!
From FUGITIVE ALIEN II:  TOM SERVO'S DEAD!!
From FIRE MAIDENS FROM OUTER SPACE: THE SPECTRE

Enjoy!  Haha!

                WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT THING?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------

(Scene: SOL Bridge.  Red Alert.  Sirens blare.  Lights
 are flashing.  Foam is everywhere.  Silly string shoots
 towards center stage from both sides.)

Joel: (Staggering) Oooooooooooh!  Got--Five--Sec-onds to live!
      Must get personal finances in order!  (collapses on desk)
Crow: (Frantically) Joel!  Joel!  Thank heavens you made it!  Oh,
      what the heck was that thing?!  We lost Tom, buddy!  Oooh,
      I hate to think of him in there with that...that...Wait a
      minute!  I'm BLIND!  I'm BLIND!  That thing CUT me!
      Ooooooooh!
Tom:  Crow!  Some-thing is wrong on Saturn-3!  Oooh!
Crow: It looks like I got it, man!  At least I found Joel!
Tom:  That's right, buddy...
Crow: He panicked and passed out in all the excitement!
Tom:  Keep telling yourself that, Crow!  (starts sobbing)
Crow: Oooooooh!  Waddaya *mean*, Tom?!  You're crying!
Tom:  CRO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-OW!!!!
Crow: We're all together again!!
Tom:  CRO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-OW!!!!
Crow: I was just with him!!
Tom:  NO-O-O!!  HE'S *DEAD*!!!!
Crow: DON'T you do it!!  Don't you dare do it!!
Tom:  **JOEL-ROB-IN-SON-IS-DEAD!!!!!**  (Starts crying)
(Sirens stop)
Crow: Oh, God, he's de-e-ead...!  Oh--!
All:  Fa-a-a-aced.
Joel: Where's a camrea?
Tom:  Whoo!  WHOO-whoo hoo hoo!
Crow: Hey, you look great.

--Commercial Sign--

*****************************************************************

                       TOM SERVO'S DEAD!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------

(Scene: Mystery Science Theater.  Joel and the 'Bots are viewing
 Fugitive Alien II.  The Star Force crew are experiencing Black
 Hole sickness.)

Tom:  Wuh, oh!  Look's like Captain Joe's drunk again.  Uh, for
      those of you playing along at home, in Fugitive Alien I
      Captain Joe is depicted as quite the drinkin' man!  Haha!
      Now this.    Ooo...I feel like him all of a sudden.  Whoo!
      No, I'll be OK.  I'm fine!  Ahe-ahem.  Something I ate, I
      guess.

      Focus.  Focus!  Ooh, Hoo...boy!  Would you wipe my brow?
Joel: You don't look very good, y'know.
Tom:  It's OK.  My left eye is a little numb.  I don't under--
      Ha!  I'm fine.  So!...*ahem*  What's going on here?

      Ooooh!  Ooooh!  I'm a little woozy, guys!  Uh,...oo,boy,
      uh, I'm - I'm - I'm feeling really BAD!  Huh, hoo!  Hoo,
      boy, I feel like I just shaken off a...a-ooo, -drunken--
      OOOOoooOOh! (Tom's head explodes)
Joel: Aaaaaaugh!
Crow: Oh!  Hey!  Oh!
Joel: (Picks up Tom) Tom Servo!  What happened, buddy?
Crow: It's all over the seat!
Joel: Let's get him out of here!  C'mon, Crow!
Crow: Here!  Take his leg!

(Through Corridor:  ...2...3...4...5...6...G
 SOL Bridge: Red Alert.  Sirens blare.  Lights are flashing.)

Joel: (Placing Tom on desk)  Tom Servo!  Oh, my God!  Tom Servo's
      DEAD!  He's dying!  It must have been that movie!  Oh, man!
      We're losing him!!
Crow: A robot watches a bad film.  It renders him...unconcious.
      Next...on Emergency...911.
Joel: (Slugs Crow) Crow!  You gotta snap outta 'Shatner' and help
      me!  It means the life of our friend Tom Servo! (Sobs)
Crow: But I must finish TECHWARS OF VENUSIA.  Must direct
      STAR TREK IX: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK'S INTELLIGENCE.  Hooker's
      a good cop!  Oooh!  He's a good--!!  OOOH!!
Joel: (Slugs Crow) Crow, you listen to me and you listen good! I
      need you to snap out of 'Shatner!'  I need you here now!
      Our friend's life hangs in the balance!
Crow: (Crying) I'm sorry, Joel!  I didn't knowwwwwww!
Joel: (Hugs Crow) I know, man.  I know.
Crow: Ooooooooooooooooo!
Joel: But we gotta get out little buddy outta da bone orchid, OK?
      Listen, I need you to run along; get the defibulator.  And
      I'm gonna try to get our brother Tommy out of the badlands.
Crow: OK.  All right.  The defibulator.  (runs off)
Joel: (To Tom) C'mon, man!  Come on back!  We're all pullin' for
      ya, buddy!
Crow: (Off stage) Hey, 'ey, Joel!  Is the defibulator the thing
      that looks like a vacuum cleaner or the thing that looks
      like a battery charger?!
Joel: It's the thing that looks like a battery charger!!  Now
      will you get it together, man?!  And get out here!  It
      means Tom Servo's life!
Crow: All right, all right!  Here comes.
Joel: OK, hold on, buddy!  It's comin'!  Come on home, Tom!  Come
      on back, buddy!!   CLE-E-EAR!!
Crow: Clear!

                  (***FZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!***)

Joel: (Puts his ear to Tom's chest)  NOTHIN'!!
Crow: Oh!
Joel: CLE-E-EAR!!
Crow: Clear!

                  (***FZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!***)

Joel: (Puts his ear to Tom's chest) He's comin' back! (Set's Tom
      upright)
Crow: Come on, Tommy!
Tom:  *Cough cough* (In raspy voice) Ooooh!  Oh!  Oh!  Sean Dobson's
      up to the plate now.  Beautiful day here at Wrigley Field.
      Boy, lemme tell ya.  Perfect for an ice cold Budweiser.  Ha!
      Y'know Lincoln Carpeting at na-- Huh! (Coughs some more.  Shakes
      his head.  Begins to speak normally)  Joel!  Crow!  What the
      heck happened to me?
Joel: I'ts OK, buddy.  You're among the living now.
Tom:  Hoooh!  That was weird!  I was walking down a long hallway...
      and at the end of it was a bright light...and a kind man with a
      beard reaching his hand out to me!  Beckoning me!  And he
      looked at me...as I got closer and he said,..."Hey, buddy!  Can
      you spare some change?  I want a cup of coffee!"
Crow: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Joel: Oh, everything's a joke with you.
Tom:  Woo-hoo-hooo!
Joel: That's just great.  We got commercial sign.
Crow: We shoulda let you DIE.
Tom:  Aaah, life.

--Commercial sign--

*****************************************************************

                          THE SPECTRE
-----------------------------------------------------------------

(Scene: Mystery Science Theater.  Joel and the 'Bots are viewing
 Fire Maidens From Outer Space.  Timmy has bitten Tom for the
 Nth time.)

Tom:  Oo!  Ow!  Now, that does it!  Come here, you!  (Timmy and
      Tom start fighting)  Oo!  Ooch!  Ouch!  Ouch!  With the
      thing!  I--
Joel: Hey, Tom!  What the Hell?  Hey!  You didn't tell us Tommy
      was in here!
Tom:  He tried to--!
Crow: Timmy!
Joel: He's not supposed to be in the theater, y'know!
Crow: Hey!
Tom:  I'm choking!  Choking!
Joel: All right, you two.  Knock it off.  There's no rough-housing
      in here.
Crow: Bad Timmy!  Bad!
Tom:  Choking!  CHOKING!!
Joel: And I'm telling you--
Tom:  HEEELP! (muffled)  Heeeeeelp!  Oh-hoh-hoh!  Heeeeeeelp!  Help!
Crow: Joel!  I-I-I think Timmy's trying to kill Tom Servo!
Joel: Yeah!  That's right!  Go to the bridge!  Stay frosty!  I've
      gotta plan.  OK?  C'mon!
Crow: All right!
Joel: C'mon!  We're coming, Tom!
Crow: Aaaaaaaaaagh!

(Through Corridor:  ...2...3...4...5...6...G
 SOL Bridge: Red Alert.  Sirens blare.  Lights are flashing.
 Tom is stuck over the hatch in a cocoon.)

Tom: (Weakly)  Kill me.  Ki-i-ill me-e-e.  Kill-- Uh, say, CRO-o-ow?
     Could you please kill me?
Crow: I'm the teansiest bit busy, Tom!  I'm getting to it!!
Tom:  Oh, OK.  Hey, I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job,
      but, uh, make sure you hit the right one.  Heehee!
Crow: Oh, oh, stop kidding me!  C'mon, man!  The redcoats are coming!

(Gizmonic door opens.  Smoke billows outward and Joel emerges, armed
 with his broom.)

Joel: Let go of him, you BITCH!! (Attacks Timmy)  Aaaugh!  Aaaugh!  Oh!

(Managing to get a hold of Timmy, he makes his way to the hatch.
 Timmy keeps biting Joel.)

Tom:  Did I mention I want you to KILL ME-E-E-E?!!
Joel: Oh, Tom, will you shut up?!  With you it's always one thing or
      another--Oh!  Oh!  OK!  Crow, now listen!  I'm gonna try to--
      OW!--blow the hatch!  OK?
Crow: All right!
Joel: On three!  All right?  Aaaugh!  All right!  ONE!
Crow: All right!
Joel: TWO!!
Crow: Uuuh!
Tom:  OK, DON'T kill me.  'Sure could go for a sandwich, though.
Joel: Oh, shut up, Tom!!  THREE!!!  Aaugh!

(Kicks the hatch open, triggering the life support alarm. Air
 mixture rushes out as Joel throws Timmy through.)

Magic Voice:  WARNING!!  WARNING!! WARNING!! WARNING!!
Joel:  (To Cambot)  GET ME ROC-KET NUM-BER NI-I-I-I-I-INE!

(Cut to exterior shot of the Satellite of Love:  Timmy is seen
 flying helplessly through dark, unforgiving space.
 Cut to bridge: Alarms shut off.)

Magic Voice:  WARNING--
Joel: Oooh, listen, I don't want you to ever - I mean *never* let
      a dark spectre onto the ship again.  I don't even care if
      he's shaped like me.  What were you *thinking*?
Crow: Ow!  Don't hit or yell!  Uh...oh!
Joel: Oooh, I'm sorry.  I can't stay mad at you.  (Points to flashing
      light)  Hey, look!  You know what that means!
Crow: Commercial Sign!
Joel: (Tickling Crow) Commercial Sign...
Crow: Yeah!  Hey!  A ha ha...
Joel: 'Feel like a Commercial Sign?  Huh?  How 'bout--
Tom:  Uh, saaay, uh, if you two are done over there I'd really
      appreciate it if you could KILL me now.
Joel and Crow:  Oooh, we're gonna kill you all right!
Joel: Yeah!  Come on!

--Commercial Sign--


100% pure adrenaline.  Maybe I got a little carried away with the
narrative but it's fun, Fun, FUN!!!!  Well I've taken up enough space.
And now a brief article by Lisa Jenkins (Pffft.  Ckk!  Ha Ha Ha!!)

Later, The Qu-  Oh, right,... I'm  ME now...

************

Max: "You're travelin' in it, Jack!"
Tom: "You're jackin' in it, Trav...um."
                 -MST3K, Master Ninja I

----------

From: [e-mail]
Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1992 15:28:13 -0600 (CST)
Subject: Comments on "This is MST3K"

[...]

   Regarding the "This is MST3K" special seen on Turkey Day, was
anyone else as disappointed as I was? I feel that anyone who was
watching the show would ALREADY know what the show was basically
about. What we wanted was lots more behind-the-scenes stuff,
what we got was Penn Gillette droning on for 20 minutes while we
waited for some good interviews and shots of the set.

   Where were the shots of Jef Maynard, the tireless toolmaster?
Let us see the workshop where Trace, Jef, and Joel build all the
inventions and models.

   I had to freeze frame to get a look at the puppeteers in action,
I don't think it would have ruined the "magic" to let us see
an extended take from behind the table on the SOL or in the
shadoramma.

   We know what it IS, show us what goes into making an episode.
Let us enjoy seeing these guys at work (we'd all love to be there
to help, but we can at least imagine).


One other bit-   The opening segment of the episode "Fire Maidens..."
featured Crow wearing a baseball cap which says "Fermilab" (my
place of business). My wife and I gave them that hat awhile back.
:-) :-) :-)

-Todd

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From: [e-mail] (David Milner)
Date: 2 Nov 92 19:01:10 GMT
Subject: GAMERA FILMOGRAPHY

[ Forwarded to us by one of the SOLN's readers. ---Rsk ]

After ten years of watching the Toho Company Ltd. set Japanese
movie theatre attendance records with films such as GODZILLA, KING
OF THE MONSTERS and KING KONG VS. GODZILLA, the Daiei Motion
Picture Co. Ltd., a rival studio, decided to produce a movie
featuring a giant monster of its own.

GAMERA was released in Japan at a time when entries in the kaiju
eiga, or monster genre, were still popular among both children and
adults. This is the reason why it and GAMERA VS. BARUGON, the first
of seven sequels, were meant to appeal to a wide audience, and why
Gamera was portrayed simply as a destructive creature in them.

As time passed, however, and more and more monster films were
released, the market became saturated, and attendance declined.
Also, the popularity of the ULTRAMAN television series, which was
produced solely for children, grew. In response, Daiei limited the
production budgets of films such as DESTROY ALL PLANETS and GAMERA
VS. MONSTER X, and targeted them exclusively at young people,
explaining why so much stock footage was used, and why Gamera was
gradually made into more of a hero, and less of a monster, in them.

By the time the last Gamera movie went into production, anime, or
animation, had become the most popular form of science fiction in
Japan, and there was very little interest left in the kaiju eiga.
This is why SUPER MONSTER GAMERA was intended to bring an end to
the series, and why Gamera was killed off in it.

A brief Gamera filmography:

1. GAMERA aka GAMMERA, THE INVINCIBLE (1965), the first genre film
to feature a child in a leading role, and the last one to be shot
in black and white, was released in theatres in the United States,
unlike all of the subsequent movies in the series, which were shown
only on American television, with new footage featuring Brian
Donlevy and Albert Dekker added to it.

There is a war on, and an aircraft armed with nuclear weapons is
shot down in the Arctic. As the plane crashes, a nuclear blast
occurs. A giant prehistoric turtle emerges from the crash site
shortly afterward, and attacks a nearby ship. It then makes its way
to Japan, and destroys a geo-thermal power plant. A plan to
temporarily freeze the creature and turn it onto its back with
explosives proves unable to stop it, and the monster then heads for
Tokyo, where it wreaks havoc. A new plan to use a trail of fire to
lure the giant turtle into a rocket that will be shot off into
space is put into effect, but just as the creature begins to follow
the trail, rain begins to fall, and the fire goes out.

2. GAMERA VS. BARUGON aka WAR OF THE MONSTERS (1966), the only
Gamera film without a child in it, played in Japan at the same time
as MAJIN, MONSTER OF TERROR, the first of three movies, also
produced by Daiei, featuring a giant samurai warrior made of stone.
Three Japanese treasure hunters travel by ship to a remote island
in the South Pacific, and there find an object which they believe
to be a large opal. The object is accidentally exposed to infra-red
light during the voyage back to Japan, and shortly afterward, a
prehistoric creature hatches from it and quickly grows to enormous
proportions. When the ship reaches port, the creature causes
widespread destruction, in part by giving off an energy ray similar
in appearance to a rainbow. Gamera soon appears, having been
attracted by the ray, and the Japanese military finds itself having
to fend off not one, but two, giant monsters.

3. GAMERA VS. GAOS aka RETURN OF THE GIANT MONSTERS (1967) proved
to be the most popular series entry in Japan.

A volcanic eruption arouses a huge vampire bat that has a special
affinity for human blood. Gamera appears and twice does battle with
the creature, but is forced to withdraw each time after being
injured by a supersonic sound beam emitted by it. It is soon
discovered that sunlight is harmful to the giant bat, explaining
why it appears only at night, and a plan to disorient the creature
so it will be unable to retreat to its underground lair when the
sun comes up by luring it with a substance similar to blood onto a
rotating restaurant located on top of a hotel is then put into
effect. At first it appears that the plan is going to work, but
when the mechanism which keeps the restaurant turning breaks down,
the creature escapes.

4. GAMERA VS. VIRAS aka DESTROY ALL PLANETS (1968), the first movie
in the series to feature an uchu kaiju, or space monster, was
released in Japan in the same year as DESTROY ALL MONSTERS, one of
the most popular of the Godzilla films.

Invaders from outer space appear in Japan. Gamera attacks them, but
is fended off with a mind controlling device which the aliens
manage to place on the neck of the monster. Widespread destruction
occurs as Gamera is forced to do their bidding, but soon two small
children being held captive by the invaders break free and destroy
the mind controlling device. Gamera then again attacks the aliens,
and this time succeeds in destroying their spaceship, but a giant
monster resembling a squid that is even larger than Gamera soon
emerges from it.

5. GAMERA VS. GUIRON aka ATTACK OF THE MONSTERS (1969), the only
Gamera movie in which a monster, other than Gamera, first seen in
a previous series entry again appears in new, rather than stock,
footage, had a few of its more graphic monster scenes edited out of
it before it was released in the United States.

Two curious children enter an alien space ship which has landed in
Japan, and travel to the planet Tera in it. There, after witnessing
a battle between a giant creature with a sharp, pointed head and
one similar to monster Gaos, the children meet two alien women who
lead them to believe that they will be well cared for when, in
fact, the women plan to kill them.

6. GAMERA VS. JIGER aka GAMERA VS. MONSTER X (1970), the only film
in the series to feature a female monster, was set primarily at the
1970 World Exposition, which was held in Osaka at the same time the
movie played in Japan.

An ancient wooden pole with a face carved into it buried in the
ground on an island in the South Pacific is dug up and sent to
Japan for scientific study. Soon afterward, a huge prehistoric
monster resembling a triceratops, which was being subdued by a
sound harmful to it emitted by the pole, emerges from underground.
Gamera, already on the island, then does battle with the creature,
but is badly wounded by it. The creature makes it way to Japan, and
there causes widespread destruction, but Gamera soon arrives to
challenge it a second time. The two monsters again battle each
other, and this time the creature manages to do even greater harm
by impregnating Gamera with its offspring, which acts like a
parasite within the body of the giant turtle.

7. GAMERA VS. ZIGRA (1971), which has been shown only on cable
television in the United States, was released in Japan just a few
months before Daiei went out of business for seven years because of
insolvency.

After destroying a base on the moon, an alien spaceship makes its
way to Earth and settles at the bottom of the ocean. An
announcement then comes from it that the planet going to be taken
over, and that people are going to be used for food. The military
proves ineffective against the ship, but Gamera soon appears and
destroys it. A creature somewhat similar in appearance to a shark
emerges, and it quickly grows to enormous proportions because of
the difference between the water pressure of its home planet of
Zigra and that of the Earth. The two monsters do battle, and
although the alien creature seems at first to be outmatched, the
Zigran, even more intent on taking over the Earth now that its
means of returning home has been destroyed, soon manages to
immobilize Gamera with a light ray that stops all cellular
activity.

8. SUPER MONSTER GAMERA (1980) was pieced together almost entirely
from stock footage. Scenes from all seven of the previous Gamera
films, and a few from STAR BLAZERS and GALAXY EXPRESS 999, two
Japanese animated television series, were included. A small amount
of new footage was shot featuring a new model of Gamera, as well as
a spaceship closely resembling a Star Destroyer from STAR WARS, but
it did little to hide the fact that the production budget for the
movie was extremely limited.

Space pirates from the planet Zanon send a number of different
monsters to attack mankind as part of their plan to take over the
Earth, but Gamera manages to defeat them all. The pirates then
succeed in placing a device which will allow them to control Gamera
on back of the neck of the giant turtle, and the monster wreaks
havoc as it is compelled to obey their orders.

GAMERA, GAMERA VS. BARUGON, GAMERA VS. GAOS and GAMERA VS. ZIGRA
were all released on VHS by Celebrity Home Entertainment in 1987.
There was some thought given to colorizing the home video edition
of GAMERA, in which the footage shot specifically for the version
of the movie distributed in the United States was not included, but
this was ultimately decided against. A VHS edition of GAMERA VS.
GUIRON, which includes the footage originally edited out of the
American version of the film, and two double laserdiscs, one
containing GAMERA VS. GAOS and GAMERA VS. ZIGRA, and the other
GAMERA and GAMERA VS. GUIRON, were released by Celebrity Home
Entertainment in 1988.

Despite the fact that the last Gamera movie was released in Japan
twelve years ago, there is still a fair amount of interest in the
series. All of the films were reissued on VHS and laserdisc in
Japan last year, and the Sci-Fi Channel recently ran a Gamera film
festival. Also, Mystery Science Theatre 3000, seen on Comedy
Central, still occasionally reruns its unique versions of several
of the movies in the series.

Will another Gamera film ever be released? Daiei already has in
production a new movie featuring Majin which is scheduled to be
released in Japan in December, 1993. If it is successful, and if
the new Godzilla films continue to be popular, Daiei could very
well bring Gamera back to the screen, either by producing a prequel
to SUPER MONSTER GAMERA, or by creating a new Gamera, just as Toho
created a new Godzilla last year in GODZILLA VS. GHIDRAH.

----------

From: [e-mail] (Tom Jacobs)
Date: Mon, 14 Dec 92 18:55:12 PST
Subject: a request for "The Beatniks"

If anyone has this, or knows anyone who has this, or knows anyone who might possibly come close to having this, get in touch with me!

Tom Jacobs -- [e-mail]