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From rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu Sat Jan 4 20:00:38 1992
Received-Date: Sat, 4 Jan 92 20:00:38 EST
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Date: Sat, 4 Jan 92 20:00:26 EST
From: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu (Richard Kulawiec)
Posted-Date: Sat, 4 Jan 92 20:00:26 EST
Message-Id: <9201050100.AA24294@gynko.circ.upenn.edu>
To: rsk@chestnut.circ.upenn.edu
Subject: Satellite of Love News #12
Status: OR
==========
Item 1:
==========
From: pashley@sdcc13.UCSD.EDU (Montykins)
Date: Sun, 22 Dec 91 22:28:54 PST
Subject: MST3K and suchlike stuff
In SOLN #9, TJOHNSON@ADCALC, in the process of describing the MST3K set
firsthand <envy envy>, mentions that the space background is a black
wall a-covered with Christmas lights, "as an alert viewer suspected."
I was that alert viewer. <grin>
Somebody else ('cause it takes too long to search through the two newsletters
I finally got today) asked about people who have lots of episodes on tape.
I'm only missing seven at the moment, although I've seen them all. (In fact,
three of the second season shows that I'm missing are loaned out somewhere.
That's King Dinosaur, First Spaceship on Venus, and Godzilla vs. Megalon.)
A couple of my tapes are pre-MST3K Sunday, the first-season marathon.
Yet another person (possibly in SOLN #10) says that the first season did
not have credits saying who played what. I say, "Did too!"
And now, a transcription of "A Patrick Swayze Christmas, by Crow T. Robot"
Joel: I think it's kind of, uh, hot too be wearing these scarves in here.
Tom Servo: Oh, yeah.
Crow: Well, scarves are a must. You can't go caroling without a scarf. Catch
your death!
Joel: Man, you were like one of those kids I remember in, uh, High School
that used to sell the most candybars for the marching band.
Tom Servo: Yeah, and you'd be president of the Swing Choir, too.
Crow: Ha ha! Ah, thanks, Joel Robinson. Thanks, Tom Servo.
Tom Servo: What a kiss-up, this guy.
Crow: Okay, now if you'll all look at your sheet music, uh, we can
rehearse my new song.
Joel: You wrote a Christmas song?
Crow: Hey, there's no tradition like a new tradition! Ha ha ha!
Tom Servo: Um, wait a minute. "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze
Christmas?"
Crow: Oh, yeah, yeah. Based on my favorite movie, _Roadhouse_.
Tom Servo: C'mon, what the heck does PATRICK SWAYZE have to do with
CHRISTMAS??
Crow: Hey, you keep Christmas in your way, and let me keep it in
mine, okay?
Tom Servo: Oh, jeeesss.
Joel: Hey, cmon, Tom Servo, it seems like a nice enough sentiment
[". . . at FIRST!" -P"M"A] and we can give it a shot. C'mon.
Crow: All right. Okay. Okay. Uh, 12/8 time, uh, key of A-flat
major--
Tom Servo: Good.
Crow: Uh, cambot, shoot 'em the tune. [music! Lovely, glorious
music! Music to make --urk! -P"M"A] Uh, okay, you'll just have to
stay with me, everybody, okay? Uh, your part's written out. Let's
have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, by Crow T. Robot.
Joel: "Paul, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"?
Crow: Right. Hit it, Cambot!
Tom Servo: Oh! Oh, I start. I get it. Hmm.
Crow: I'm sorry.
Tom Servo: Pick it up. "Open up your heart and let the Patrick
Swayze Christmas in."
Crow: "We'll gather at the Roadhouse with our next of kin."
Joel: "And Santa can be our regular Saturday night thing."
The Bots: "We'll decorate our barstools and gather round and sing."
Tom Servo: "Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year!"
Crow: "Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear!"
Joel: Hold it, hold it a sec. Cambot, stop the music. To - -, uh,
Crow, I don't know if I think this is an appropriate sentiment
anymore for Christmas.
Crow: Hey, what? Like a good action sequence don't belong in
Christmas?
Joel: Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action
sequence in a Christmas carol before.
Crow: Well, then grab hold o' your socks and read on, Joel Robinson!
Tom Servo: Okay, pick it up from measure 20, Cambot. [More music.
-P"M"A] Lovely intro, though. Very tasteful.
Crow: Thank you.
Tom Servo: I like that. "It's my way or the highway, this Christmas
at my ba-ha-haar."
Crow: "I'll have to smash your kneecaps if you bastards touch my
car!"
Joel: "I got the word that Santa has been stealing from the till."
The Bots: "I think that that right jolly old elf had better make out
his will, ohh,"
All: "Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, one and all. And
this can be the haziest . . . [music stuff] this can be the laziest
[music stuff] . . . this can be the Swayziest Christmas of them
AAALLLLLLLLLL!"
Tom Servo: "La la la laa ha HAAA!"
Crow: How long before it becomes a standard?
Joel: I think you gotta come with me. C'mon.
Crow: Waaaaah!
Tom Servo: We'll be right back. oooh. Save a leg for me! Heh heh
heh.
-Paul "Monty" Ashley
(Oh, one more thing: my Christmas wish is to hear Gypsy say "Oh
for a muse of fire!" Dunno why. Just is.)
==========
Item 2:
==========
From: UK01778@ukpr.uky.edu
Date: Mon, 23 Dec 91 12:41:28 EST
Subject: MST3K Stuff
I *liked* "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"! What a FOUL movie!
How on earth they found something THAT INCREDIBILY BAD is beyond
me! I roared! And the Patrick Swayze Christmas Carol was TOO funny!
"I'll have to break your kneecaps if you bastards touch my car!"
BTW, The Grinch who Stole Christmas is GREAT for MST3K'ing. Whoever
said that earlier was right on the money!
Another incident of MST3King a "Serious" Movie:
A friend and I went to see JFK. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed
the movie immensely, but towards the end, when the DA is making his
case he seems to be *REALLY* stretching his point a lot. So I, not
very loudly or anything, burst out with -
"And THIS is a Twinkie wrapper that Oswald purchased from this
very store! Where is that Twinkie now? Ask yourself that!!!"
My friend is in tears, and I got a few smiles from the people
in front of me. Go figure.
RE: To speak out or not to speak out:
I think it depends on the movie, or the situation. If you're
watching a piece of crap, a la Highlander II, and you can get the
general impression nobody around you is going to mind, hell yes! Like
any performing artist (UGH!) you have to gauge your audience. I'm
waiting for Gone with The Wind to come back to a theater.
Heh heh heh heh.
Who's my favorite Robot?
It's in my name-sign:
Al, Tom Servo's #1 fan
Sure Crow is the wisecracker, but Tom gets many of the *fun*
parts to do. Let's not forget the "Tibby Love Song", or when he and
Crow played "Orville Redenbacher and Son ("Oh god, I hate you! I
HATE YOU!")", or the time when the alien dogs invaded the SOL ("Who's
Bad?" "Tom Servo" "Who's BAD!?!" "Tom Servo").
That's why I like Tom Servo best.
==========
Item 3:
==========
From: saseph@unx.sas.com
Date: Tue, 24 Dec 91 13:49:52 EST
Subject: The Old School Curriculum
Below is the curriculum from "The Old School," from "Ring of Terror."
The spelling of "Maintenance" in course 500 is as shown on the card.
OLD SCHOOL
----------
CURRICULUM
----------
Department of Health Studies
----------------------------
-102 Blue Rinses
-121 Corn Sanding
-213 Intermediate Crankiness
-355 Laxative Symposium (Lab)
-410 Walker Workshop
-500 Hearing Aid Maintainence
Department of Geriatric Behavior
--------------------------------
-111 Napping
-241 Soup Slurping (Discussion and Lab)
-312 Television as a Drug
-456 Advanced Nodding Off
School of Social Skills
-----------------------
-534 Seminar: Advanced Check Paying and Tip Shorting
-556 Remembering Your Name
-600 Sex Without Heart Failure
P.S. I can't remember if anyone has pointed this out before, but
the battle call "Serpentine!" from Joel and the bots (whenever
crowds are fleeing) comes from the classic "The In-Laws,"
starring Peter Falk and Alan Arkin.
P.P.S. TBS actually showed "Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster" last
weekend! I stumbled onto it and got that same "Oh-my-God-
I-Can't-Believe-It" feeling that I get whenever Dan Quayle
tries to explain something.
--
Ed Hughes, SAS Institute | "Caution, filling is hot--and alive."
Cary, NC | --Tom Servo, "Gamera vs. Barugon," MST3000
==========
Item 4:
==========
From: synth@dreamtime.unm.edu (Synth F. Oberheim)
Date: Thu, 26 Dec 91 9:48:33 MDT
Subject: The MST Mailing List Quote File (tm)
Fellow sentient MiSTies,
[ Let's not jump to conclusions. :-) ---Rsk ]
Wanted to update you folks on the whereabouts of the quote file. Y'see, I
would've sent it out to the list by now, but response has been pretty weak.
No ... how about REALLY weak. :-) There is a file, but it only has about
five contributors (myself included).
What I've decided to do is to start snapping up random isolated quotes
whenever and whereever I see 'em, including USENET newsgroups. Unfortunately,
this means I have to nix keeping a list of contributors to the quote list,
which was my original intent.
If anybody has problems with this idea, speak now or forever hold your ken ...
Synth synth@dreamtime.unm.edu
(F. Oberheim) synth@yenta.alb.nm.us
"Geez, Joel, don't vapor lock on us, it's just a little SKIT for cryin'
out loud!"
==========
Item 5:
==========
From: gatech!chinet.chi.il.us!megabyte@harvard.harvard.edu (Mark E. Sunderlin)
Date: Fri, 27 Dec 91 8:22:27 EST
Subject: MST3K and married life
My married life will never be the same. My wife can't stand to watch TV
with me on either Saturday morning or evening. :-) But, on to the more
important question:
My cable company has The Comedy Channel, and thus MST3K, on cable channel
48. My Cable ready TV tunes this in, so I can watch MST3K easily.
However, my VCR will only tune up to cable channel 39. My problem is that
I can't figure out how to tape MST3K with my VCR. Can anyone give me some
help here?
[ If your TV has a "video out" jack, and your VCR has a "video in" jack,
you're in business. Otherwise, you might need to buy a cheap external tuner
that covers the cable band above channel 39. ---Rsk ]
--
Mark E. Sunderlin
aka Dr. Megabyte: megabyte@chinet.chi.il.us (703) 722-9330
==========
Item 6:
==========
From: ehhann@afterlife.ncsc.mil (Ernest Hann)
Date: Sat, 28 Dec 91 19:48:05 EST
Subject: Door #5
Is it me or does there appear to be a basketball hoop on door #5?
[ I think it's just a loop of wire hanging down, but I'm not sure. ---Rsk ]
Bud Hann (ehhann@afterlife.ncsc.mil)
"Your breath smells like Mummy meat"
-Crow
==========
Item 7:
==========
From: aminet!barrett@hsi.hsi.com (Keith Barrett)
Date: Sun, 29 Dec 91 13:33:20 EST
Subject: Missing Turkeyday Tidbit
You forgot to mention the funniest one (I'm doing this from memory, so forgive
me if I get the words wrong):
Joel: Join us here at Comedy Central on Turkey Day for 30 straight hours
of Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: 30 hours! What is that a metric day?
All: laughter
Keith Barrett
UUCP: {uunet,decwrl}!aminet!barrett
DDN: barrett%aminet.uucp@decwrl.dec.com
Alternate: barrett@pamsrc.enet.dec.com
==========
Item 8:
==========
From: Major Matt Mason <MARMELMM@duvm.ocs.drexel.edu>
Date: Tue, 31 Dec 91 14:31:05 EDT
Subject: MST3K Listings for January 1992
Just got my monthly listing from Comedy Central today; here's the
January, 1992 MST3K lineup:
1/03, 10 am & 1am: Side Hackers
1/04, 10 am & 7 pm: It Conquered the World
1/10, 10 am & 1am: Jungle Goddess
1/11, 10 am & 7 pm: Master Ninja I
1/17, 10 am & 1am: Catalina Caper
1/18, 10 am & 7 pm: Castle of Fu Man Chu
1/24, 10 am & 1am: Rocket Attack U.S.A.
1/25, 10 am & 7 pm: Master Ninja II
1/31, 10 am & 7 pm: Ring of Terror
All times are Eastern & Pacific.
Major Matt "He triiiied...to kill me with the forklift..." Mason
[ Thanks to Jim Ennis <JIM@ucf1vm.cc.ucf.edu>, who sent in the schedule
as well. ---Rsk ]
==========
Item 9:
==========
From: saseph@unx.sas.com
Date: Fri, 3 Jan 92 9:57:30 EST
Subject: Bring me the head of Tom Servo
Over the holidays, I was lucky enough to stumble across
the gumball machine that is Tom Servo's head. It's the
Executive Snack Dispenser, from Carousel Industries, Inc.
Their address is:
Carousel Industries, Inc.
1757 Winthrop Dr.
Des Plaines, IL 60018
There's no model number, but the UPC number is 42897 01616 .
They come in blue, grey, white, beige, brown, and RED.
I could only find white and blue, but a little spray paint
will take care of that!
Where I bought mine, the regular price was $7, but they were
having a 50% off sale, so it cost me a cool $3.50.
The manufactured version has a handle that needs to be removed.
In fact, now that I'm looking for it, I can see where they
removed the real Tom's handle (it attaches to the lower half of
his beak). The beak also needs to be painted silver (or white,
if you're doing the early Tom--check his beak in the opening
sequence's "side shot" of Joel & bots in the theatre).
Now can somebody tell me if Milton Bradley still makes a
"Barrel Full of Monkeys" game with a BIG barrel (Servo's body,
supposedly)? I could only find a barrel about 3-4 inches tall.
--
Ed Hughes, SAS Institute | "Caution, filling is hot--and alive."
Cary, NC | --Tom Servo, "Gamera vs. Barugon," MST3000
==========
Item 10:
==========
From: www@rsch.oclc.org (William W. White)
Date: Thu, 26 Dec 91 19:32:20 EST
Subject: A few questions...
Howdy,
This might be a FAQ but I have a few questions. A few months ago wrote
to the fan club and I was wondering how long it took to become a member?
That is how long does it take to receive your kit? Also, do you receive
this catalog that everyone keeps talking about? What's in the catalog?
Could someone send me a copy of it? I'd love to order some merchandise.
Finally, I'm going to try to assemble my own Tom Servo and I have some
of the more basic parts, bubble gum head etc but a complete parts list
would be wonderful. Any info?
[ Check the back issues of the SOL newsletter for info on Servo's
construction, and for a list of what shows up in your mailbox.
Yep, this is a FAQ, so I'll add it to the list. ---Rsk ]
==========
Item 11:
==========
From: Dale Holod <daleh@hpcuhe.cup.hp.com>
Date: Tue, 24 Dec 91 7:49:08 PST
Subject: MST3000 Quotes - new batch
Here is a second batch of quotes.
--
Dale Holod
daleh@cup.hp.com
"I hate all of you, you inanimate objects! You mock me by
your silence". Tom Servo (Mystery Science Theatre 3000)
I think they're pretty close, and I'm pretty sure I got the speakers right.
If not, hey, it's only a tv show. Dale Holod
Choice quotes from FUGITIVE ALIEN II
%%
WEEKLY ONTOLOGICAL DISCUSSION ABOUT THE NATURE OF PUPPETS
"OK. Here's one for you. What would you call Senor Wences (sp?), the
ventriloquist who made a career out of talking to his hand?
--- Crow
"I call that a cry for help."
--- Tom Servo
%%
INVENTION EXCHANGE
"What's the point of the Big Nose?"
--- Joel on Really Big Nose of the Mads
"They're...just really big! Just think of the stuff you can do with 'em."
--- Dr. Forrester
"Very useful; now I can brown-nose myself."
--- Frank
%%
"Ken's a loner? How long before your Ken is fixed?"
--- Crow
%%
"Diarrhea is like a storm, raging inside you."
--- Tom Servo as Rocky faints
%%
"TeNperature?"
--- Crow reading heat gauge
%%
"Pants...too tight! I'm turning Japanese!"
--- Crow on Rocky's passing out antics
%%
"...He tried to kill me with a forklift..."
--- theme chorus of FA II (and FA I!)
%%
"I'm missing graduation! The music's started! Oh, no!"
--- Tom Servo on Billy waking up from faint to FA II theme song.
%%
"Yeah, you've got spunk. I hate spunk!"
--- Joel on Tammy
%%
"Whoa, and he picks up the spare!"
--- Tom Servo on quick (way too easy) second shot on attacking spaceships
%%
"Ah, note to myself. Put landing gear on this baby."
--- Tom Servo on crash in desert of spaceship
%%
"Hey, check it out! They're fighting ZZTop!"
--- Joel on flag atop the tower
%%
"Crotch-cam; I'm huge!"
--- Crow on funky camera angle
%%
"It's a Super Tom Servo with thrust busters and glass packs! Wow!"
--- Crow upon seeing the weapon they are after
(good description of it)
%%
"Increase the voltage. How much do you think you can take?"
--- Torturer
"He's an electroholic. Ohm is too many and a trillion isn't enough."
--- Crow
%%
"You see? This is why we don't let teenagers in our hotel anymore. This
kind of stuff."
--- Crow on endless chain of explosions
%%
"It's Farfagnugen gone horribly wrong!"
--- Tom Servo on equipment explosions
%%
"Fred Biletnikoff!"
--- Crow on enemy leader Halkan
%%
"Yeah, well he was kind of like everyone's idea of evil all rolled into one."
--- Joel on Halkan
"You got a point there, Joel. Kind of brought together the terrifying
aspects of Nazis and MIMES!"
--- Tom Servo
"And Marsha Mason."
--- Crow
"Or Marilyn Quayle."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Oh, you're just gettin weird...and that results in creativity."
--- Joel
%%
Choice quotes from STRANDED IN SPACE
%%
"Now we make 'em talk."
--- Tom Servo after guards riddle door with bullets
%%
"So where ya headed?"
---Truck driver
"Well, I was going to Florida, but I guess you ain't got one of those."
--- Joel
%%
"Boy, you know how many tv series would be wiped out if this room was
blown up?"
--- Crow
%%
"Jeez, I'm just a temp."
--- Tom Servo on aide after Cameron Mitchell has just bared his soul to him
%%
"Funny how space looks a lot like Sacramento."
--- Crow
%%
"Never mind the oboe. It always follows me around."
--- Crow
%%
"I'd like to have children right away if it's okay with you."
--- Tom Servo for Neil
"Is it all right if I pull over first?"
--- Crow for driving Tina
%%
"So how did this Perfect Order come about?"
--- Neil
"Well, it seems we close our eyes for a little while, and when we opened
them again..."
--- Professor
"...Reagan was in office."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Audrey Farber?"
--- Crow (you either know this reference or you don't)
%%
"Yeah, he drinks, he takes drugs, and he's gonna get me off the planet.
--- Joel
%%
"Eh. A little...candy for grandpa."
--- Tom Servo on Professor's injection
%%
"Mmmggh. She's got four tongues! She's a mutant!"
---Crow on first kiss
"Come on. Do I have to hose you off? Get in here."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Note to myself. Remember to pack more life saving liquid."
--- Crow
%%
"Oh no, they put her in a room with Ike Turner!"
--- Tom Servo on Tina's appearance after interrogation.
%%
"Benedict was waiting for me."
--- Tina
"What did you tell him?"
--- Professor
"Stop hitting me!!!"
--- Crow
%%
"He threatened to take me to Ward E if I didn't tell him the truth. Instead
he took me to a basement room somewhere."
--- Tina
"Lech Walesa was there. I don't know why."
--- Tom Servo
"He had two men there. They ..."
--- Sobbing Tina
"...made me cook breakfast! Sob."
--- Crow
"He started juggling...and he wasn't very good!"
--- Tom Servo
%%
"No! I'm not a letter!"
--- Crow for guard when Neil pulls letter opener on him
%%
"Go away. I don't have a line."
--- Tom Servo for soldier answering door
%%
"That one's for Florida!"
--- Joel on Neil shooting soldier
%%
"What happened?"
--- Guy who finds Neil crawling out of ocean
"From other planet...thing crash...had girlfried...blew stuff up."
-- coughing and panting Tom Servo
%%
Choice quotes from TIME OF THE APES
%%
"A tremor! Johnny, don't go. It's too dangerous."
--- Mother
"I don't care!"
--- Johnny
%%
"A little horse for a little monkey."
--- Tom Servo on hypo to resuscitate the frozen monkey
"Hey, he'll have himself on his back."
--- Joel
%%
"Now to shave his butt and put cosmetics on it."
--- Tom when monkey revives
%%
"Don't be afraid. We're with you."
--- Johnny
"We're doomed, but with you."
--- Crow
%%
"Look, if you can't workout 30 minutes a day, you don't deserve a hot date."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Let's crap in our hands and throw it at people."
--- Crow
%%
"Present...arms!"
--- Ape in charge of execution
"Crap in...hand!"
--- Crow
%%
"Sandy Frank, Sandy Frank, likes to crap into his hand."
--- All
%%
"Meanwhile on C.H.I.M.P.S,..."
--- Tom on police motorcade
%%
"You know, it's funny how movie directors always make air vents big enough
to crawl around in."
--- Joel
%%
"Oh great, welcome to Plot Convenience Playhouse."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"You can kill me, but it's over my dead body."
--- Crow
%%
"Smells like a man and a little boy in here. Who bathed?"
--- Crow
%%
"People try to put us...dddddown!"
--- Joel? on Godot twirling grappling hook
%%
"Well it's about this time that the old ape boys got themselves into a heap
of trouble over at Cooter's place. Ya see, they were pickin' nits off each
other..."
--- Crow
%%
"It's been a great pleasure knowing you. I hope you will think of us once
in a while."
--- Chief Ape
"You know, when you drive past a bloated raccoon on the side of the road?
That kind of thing."
--- Crow
%%
"Oh no! It's Anthony Braxton and Don Cherry!"
--- Tom Servo on free jazz-sounding dramatic music
(if you've heard them, you understand)
%%
"Run like a duck! Quack, quack, quack!"
--- Tom on Kathryn's style of running
%%
"She was awake about 10 slaps ago!"
--- Crow
%%
"Godot's a pendant?"
--- Tom when that's all Kathryn finds in Godot's capsule
"Maybe he's in there."
--- Joel sounding like a Ghostbuster Bill Murray
"He's in - de - pendant! Ha ha."
--- Tom Servo
%%
Choice quotes from PROJECT MOONBASE & COMMANDO CODY SHORT
%%
"Hey, he's not even hurt. They must have used nerf tools or something."
--- Joel on Cody after fighting with wrenches and hammers
and stuff in garage
%%
"If I'd have brought that straight-edge, we'd make it in half the time."
--- Crow on Cody plotting elliptical course to the Moon
%%
"Oh, I'm not sorry for that one! That felt wonderful!"
--- Tom Servo on sound of decompression
"Cough, cough. I shouldn't do that in a pressure suit!"
--- Crow
%%
"A case of Moosehead, no curfew - this is gonna be the best road trip ever!"
--- Joel
%%
"Now that we have a space station..."
--- General pointing to cheesy props
"...or Frisbee..."
--- All
"...it's now possible to send a ship..."
--- General
"...or batteries..."
--- All (really is what it looks like it)
"...around the Moon."
--- General
"...or playground ball."
--- All
"On this trip Dr. Warner..."
--- General
"...or double..."
--- All (he is a fake, right?)
"..will photograph the back face. The ship will then return to the space
station."
-- General
"...or Frisbee."
--- All
"I..."
--- Large female reporter
"...or Lard Barge..."
--- All
%%
"Look, there's the Grand Tetons!"
--- Tom Servo on the amply endowed Col. Briteis
using a viewmaster-type device
%%
"Duracell away! The Coppertop Shuttle."
i --- Joel on "batteries" ship
%%
"Hard to take anyone with a flannel skullcap seriously."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"What are you going to do with him?"
--- Col. Briteis
"Well I thought I'd dress him up like us. That's pretty degrading."
--- Crow
%%
"No fun at all. It fell right over."
--- Tom Servo Firesign Theatre comment on supply ship's landing
%%
Here is the SPACOM tirade by Tom Servo and Crow
1. SPACOM (spake-com) is Space Command in the movie.
2. SPACOM (spack-um) is too wild! God, as Joel is mashing and slicing and
mangling the goo, it keeps changing colors! Wow! Here is T + C:
SPACOM! It's new; it's improved. It's Spacom, as seen in Project Moonbase.
Yes, Spacom, the miracle home product you thought you'd never need. Part
wood, part industrial resin, part processed pasteurized cheese food pro-
ducts. That valuable china crack? No problem. Just a dab of Spacom will
do the trick. Try Spacom on an onion roll for a real lunchtime treat.
Takes care of rust on that old jalopy, and ladies will just love how Spacom
removes those liver spots and planters warts. Slice thin for a fabulous
roast substitute. Kids will just have a ball with Spacom. Change your
mother into a basketball and drive out rodents and other household pets.
Include Spacom in your next oil change to lubricate and remove diaper rash
while it whitens your wash and melts those pounds away. Make Polynesian
cheese devils with a little marshmallow creme, a handful of crunchy fire
ants, and lots of velvety Spacom. Eskimos love the way Spacom takes the
gum out of deisel generators. Mom loves the way it cleans jewelry. Dad
loves the way it takes the paint off that old table in the attic. And kids
just love it for a snack anytime. Massage it into your scalp for a refresh-
ing change of mind. Rub it into your chest and feel the petroleum vapors
go to work. Not an aerosol, not a paste, and not available in any store.
It's SPACOM! And it's available this one time at the low, low everyday
bargain price. And if you order now, you will receive at no extra charge
a year's supply of Spacom! Cuts through this tomato like it was a tin can.
Snapples caps off of jars, bottles, and the baby!
%%
Choice quotes from GAMERA VS. GAOS
%%
"Walk quietly among other men, but know their power, for they are your
enemies. Quietly crush them as you work diligently through the night. Pay
attention to the man behind the curtain, for he is your ally. Drink deeply
and lustily from the foamy draught of evil. Uh, do it to the other guy
before he does it to you...and be bad to the bone, won't you?"
-- Dr. Forrester's self expression for the self-image
reproducing full-size body printers.
%%
"Why are all the cute ones so corporate?"
--- Joel
%%
"Welcome to this week's edition of Eat the Press."
--- Tom Servo on Gaos picking up a reporter
%%
"I don't know where my friend went, but there's a pile of poop here with
shoes in it."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Hey, look. Garmera has "Itchy" palms now."
--- Crow on the kid in Gamera's hand.
%%
"That's what a Japanese doctor drives, isn't it? A Cataract?"
--- Crow
%%
"There. I just marked our territory."
--- Crow on grimace by stooge worker
%%
"Alright, Gaos, don't be blue. Frankenstein was ugly too."
--- Cheer by all
%%
"You know, I'll bet the hole in the ozone is this bird's fault."
--- Tom Servo on firefight in the air
%%
"I'm telling you, he was 3300 pounds if he was an ounce."
--- Joel on Gaos escaping Gamera's aquatic assault
"The one that got away."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Hey, I told my mom I was gonna grow another foot, and she knit me
three socks."
--- Crow on Gaos's foot regeneration
%%
"Well, it seems the experiment has proved one thing conclusively. The only
way to kill the beast is to keep it out in sunlight."
--- Military dude
"We'll prematurely age it to death."
--- Tom Servo
%%
"Hey, can you get this subplot off the road?"
--- Tom Servo on long, trivial scene on road
%%
"It's good, but it's not as good as Blood Classic."
--- Joel on Gaos and fake blood lure
%%
"Oh fella, You're a fat old hog aintcha? Heh, heh. Squeal."
--- Tom as Gamera climbs onto Gaos's back
(I think Deliverance deeply affected these guys)
%%
"Oh. Cross-check. He'll be in the box for two."
--- Crow
%%
"Ooooh. Good thing he had his cup on."
--- Tom Servo on rudely aimed missle attack on Gaos
%%
Choice quotes from ROBOT HOLOCAUST
%%
"They're ventriloquisting each other!"
--- Tom Servo
%%
"He speaks to me telepathically."
--- Freebot Translator
"Actually it's telepathetically."
--- Joel
%%
"They started at a landfill, just outside Manhattan."
--- Crow
%%
"We have no history. We have always been here."
--- Amazon Leader
"Then you have a history."
--- Crow
%%
"This whole movie's socks and violence."
--- Tom Servo on hand puppet killer rock worms
%%
"Perhaps now's the right time to send Torq."
--- Valeria
"You have made a wise decision."
--- Dark One
"Then send Nesmith and Dolenz."
--- Crow
%%
"She studied under Buckwheat, I guess."
--- Tom Servo on Valeria's accent
%%
"Of course you're being watched. It's a film, idiot!"
--- Tom Servo
%%
"He's a Crustifarian!"
--- Crow on Torq
%%
"Her dress looks like something they cut gaskets out of."
--- Joel
%%
"There's the Nuge. Locked, stocked, and ready to rock."
--- Joel on Ted Nugent-like barbarian
%%
"That, ladies and gentlemen, is one of the liberators of Earth."
--- Tom Servo on the short-circuiting Freebot
%%
"I'm reaching behind you with the cutters."
--- Hero to barbarian as they try to defuse the bomb
"When I'm done with this, you will guard my harem. Understand?"
--- Tom Servo
%%
"That blast to her face kind of helped her diction."
--- Joel on Valeria
%%
"Oh, man. The huge Nuge! He's got cat scratch fever!"
--- Crow on battle
%%
"Hey, that's not half bad. It's all bad."
--- Crow
%%
"You know, I kind of miss Earth, you guys."
--- Joel on amply endowed heroine in front of machinery
"I can see why."
--- Tom Servo
"Yeah, all that equipment."
--- Crow
"Yeah, it's neat."
--- Joel
%%
==========
Item 12:
==========
From: fgn@cbnewsb.cb.att.com (frank.g.neves)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv
Date: 26 Aug 91 10:50:03 GMT
Subject: ["The Meal" from "It Conquered the World"]
[ This was posted to Usenet six months ago; I happened to come across it
today, and since it's about today's movie... ---Rsk ]
This past weekend's "It Conquered The World" had a break sequence that seemed
to be designed to hook any stragglers out there. This is a little long, but
I don't think any MST3K junkies (like me) will mind...
The Meal
Tom - You know, this coffee tastes like it came from an oil derrick; what did
you do, strain it thru a mummy?
Crow- Yeah, this coffee tastes like mud - Roger Mudd!
Tom - Well the coffee wasn't half as bad as the dinner!
Joel- Well, I only burn it when you come home drunk!
Crow- Oh, so you burn it every night.
Joel- Oh, don't bring THAT up again!
Crow- I HAVE to bring it up - if I hold it in I'll die!
Tom - Die! That's what this coffee tastes like - dye!
Joel- Did you two get enough? You hardly touched your steak.
Crow- I didn't want to touch it, it scared me!
Tom - Yeah, talk about steak being tough - I thought they retired Man O'War
to stud!
Joel- Oh, what would you know about being a stud?
Crow- Well, the meat was better if you put that fuzzy gravy on it.
Tom - Was that gravy? I thought the dog had been sick!
Crow- You know, I've never seen spam served in so many ways; especially in
the jello!
Tom - Yeah, halfway thru the dinner my filet got up and beat the hell out of
my coffee, and the coffee was too weak to defend itself!
Joel- Oh well, it looked like you enjoyed the marinade; or were you just being
a pig?
Crow- Hey, the only thing that's marinated around here is Tom!
Tom - Oh, next time why don't YOU just skip dinner and go straight to passing
out on the table!
Joel- O.K., keep it down, you two!
Crow- I don't think I can keep anything down if I have to keep looking at
that dessert!
Tom - Yeah - on 2nd thought, why don't you forget about the pie - I think I'd
rather just eat the recipe!
Again, sorry for the length, but the above sequence was, for me, a new "One of
Their Best". Guaranteed to have picked up some new viewers.
==========
Item 13:
==========
From: chuck@edsi.plexus.COM (Chuck Tomasi)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv
Date: 28 Aug 91 01:53:33 GMT
Subject: [ Peter Grave's speech from "It Conquered the World" ]
Alright you talked me into it. I was going to do it Sunday when the
movie was on, but I'm going upstairs right now to get the tape. Here it
is for all you people...
"He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature, and because
of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself
that men have to find their own way and make their own mistakes. There
can't be any give of perfection from outside themselves. And when men
seek such perfection they find only death... fire... loss...
disillisionment (boredom:crow.) The end of everything that's gone
forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery. But it
can't be given. It has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to
come from inside. From man himself."
"James Arnaz will be back in sweet sweetbacks." -- Crow
"No, Peter Graves" -- Servo
That wasn't as bad as I thought. It just sounds like a lot of talk, but
when you write it down it isn't all that much.
"NOW WHAT THE HECK DOES IT MEAN?!" -- Crow (another show.)
--
Chuck Tomasi
chuck@edsi.plexus.COM
==========
Item 14:
==========
From: boebert@sctc.com (Earl Boebert)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv
Date: 1 Sep 91 03:38:06 GMT
Subject: It Conquered the World
This was the movie that supposedly led to "Corman's Law" (The monster
has to be bigger than the leading lady) after Bev Garland kicked over
the Mark I Fake Venusian while on location at Red Rock Canyon; the one
in the movie is the Mark II version. Oh, and Corman plays the
sergeant who leads the squad into the cave after the killer zucchini
from space. Once you learn to recognize him you can join the league
of Corman spotters -- he casted himself in bit parts in a lot of his
movies, including the original Little Shop of Horrors.
Earl