Multimedia Mania/abacus-multimedia-mania.iso/dp/0148/01482.txt

Text File | 1993-07-27 | 14KB | 253 lines

$Unique_ID{bob01482}
$Pretitle{}
$Title{Sketches, Old And New
The Notorious Jumping Frog Of Calaveras County.}
$Subtitle{}
$Author{Twain, Mark}
$Affiliation{}
$Subject{smiley
frog
says
bet
he'd
feller
never
come
set
always
hear
audio
hear
sound
}
$Date{1893}
$Log{Hear Smiley*54300018.aud
}
Title:       Sketches, Old And New
Book:        Jumping Frog, The
Author:      Twain, Mark
Date:        1893

The Notorious Jumping Frog Of Calaveras County.

The Notorious Jumping Frog Of Calaveras ^* County.

[Footnote *: Pronounced Cal-e-va-ras.]

     In compliance with the request of a friend of mine, who wrote me from the
East, I called on good-natured, garrulous old Simon Wheeler, and inquired
after my friend's friend, Leonidas W. Smiley, as requested to do, and I
hereunto append the result.  I have a lurking suspicion that Leonidas W.
Smiley is a myth; that my friend never knew such a personage; and that he only
conjectured that if I asked old Wheeler about him, it would remind him of his
infamous Jim Smiley, and he would go to work and bore me to death with some
exasperating reminiscence of him as long and as tedious as it should be
useless to me.  If that was the design, it succeeded.

     I found Simon Wheeler dozing comfortably by the bar-room stove of the
dilapidated tavern in the decayed mining camp of Angel's, and I noticed that
he was fat and bald-headed, and had an expression of winning gentleness and
simplicity upon his tranquil countenance.  He roused up, and gave me good-day.
I told him a friend of mine had commissioned me to make some inquiries about a
cherished companion of his boyhood named Leonidas W. Smiley - Rev. Leonidas W.
Smiley, a young minister of the Gospel, who he had heard was at one time a
resident of Angel's Camp.  I added that if Mr. Wheeler could tell me anything
about this Rev. Leonidas W. Smiley, I would feel under many obligations to
him.

     Simon Wheeler backed me into a corner and blockaded me there with his
chair, and then sat down and reeled off the monotonous narrative which follows
this paragraph.  He never smiled, he never frowned, he never changed his voice
from the gentle-flowing key to which he tuned his initial sentence, he never
betrayed the slightest suspicion of enthusiasm; but all through the
interminable narrative there ran a vein of impressive earnestness and
sincerity, which showed me plainly that, so far from his imagining that there
was anything ridiculous or funny about his story, he regarded it as a really
important matter, and admired its two heroes as men of transcendent genius in
finesse.  I let him go on in his own way, and never interrupted him once.

     "Rev. Leonidas W. H'm, Reverend Le - well, there was a feller here once
by the name of Jim Smiley, in the winter of '49 - or may be it was the spring
of '50 - I don't recollect exactly, somehow, though what makes me think it was
one or the other is because I remember the big flume warn't finished when he
first came to the camp; but any way, he was the curiosest man about always
betting on anything that turned up you ever see, if he could get anybody to
bet on the other side; and if he couldn't he'd change sides.  Any way that
suited the other man would suit him - any way just so's he got a bet, he was
satisfied.  But still he was lucky, uncommon lucky; he most always come out
winner.  He was always ready and laying for a chance; there couldn't be no
solit'ry thing mentioned but that feller'd offer to bet on it, and take ary
side you please, as I was just telling you.  If there was a horse-race, you'd
find him flush or you'd find him busted at the end of it; if there was a
dog-fight, he'd bet on it; if there was a cat-fight, he'd bet on it; if there
was a chicken-fight, he'd bet on it; why, if there was two birds setting on a
fence, he would bet you which one would fly first; or if there was a
camp-meeting, he would be there reg'lar to bet on Parson Walker, which he
judged to be the best exhorter about here, and so he was too, and a good man.
If he even see a straddle- bug start to go anywheres, he would bet you how
long it would take him to get to - to wherever he was going to, and if you
took him up, he would foller that straddle-bug to Mexico but what he would
find out where he was bound for and how long he was on the road.  Lots of the
boys here has seen that Smiley and can tell you about him.  Why, it never made
no difference to him - he'd bet on any thing - the dangest feller.  Parson
Walker's wife laid very sick once, for a good while, and it seemed as if they
warn't going to save her; but one morning he come in, and Smiley up and asked
him how she was, and he said she was considerable better - thank the Lord for
his inf'nit mercy - and coming on so smart that with the blessing of
Prov'dence she'd get well yet; and Smiley, before he thought, says, "Well,
I'll risk two-and-a-half she don't anyway."

     Thish-yer Smiley had a mare - the boys called her the fifteen-minute nag,
but that was only in fun, you know, because of course she was faster than that
- and he used to win money on that horse, for all she was so slow and always
had the asthma, or the distemper, or the consumption, or something of that
kind.  They used to give her two or three hundred yards start, and then pass
her under way; but always at the fag-end of the race she'd get excited and
desperate-like, and come cavorting and straddling up, and scattering her legs
around limber, sometimes in the air, and sometimes out to one side amongst the
fences, and kicking up m-o-r-e dust and raising m-o-r-e racket with her
coughing and sneezing and blowing her nose - and always fetch up at the stand
just about a neck ahead, as near as you could cipher it down.

     And he had a little small bull-pup, that to look at him you'd think he
warn't worth a cent but to set around and look ornery and lay for a chance to
steal something.  But as soon as money was up on him he was a different dog;
his under-jaw'd begin to stick out like the fo'-castle of a steamboat, and his
teeth would uncover and shine like the furnaces.  And a dog might tackle him
and bully-rag him, and bite him, and throw him over his shoulder two or three
times, and Andrew Jackson - which was the name of the pup - Andrew Jackson
would never let on but what he was satisfied, and hadn't expected nothing else
- and the bets being doubled and doubled on the other side all the time, till
the money was all up; and then all of a sudden he would grab that other dog
jest by the j'int of his hind leg and freeze to it - not chaw, you understand,
but only just grip and hang on till they throwed up the sponge, if it was a
year.  Smiley always come out winner on that pup, till he harnessed a dog once
that didn't have no hind legs, because they'd been sawed off in a circular
saw, and when the thing had gone along far enough, and the money was all up,
and he come to make a snatch for his pet holt, he see in a minute how he'd
been imposed on, and how the other dog had him in the door, so to speak, and
he 'peared surprised, and then he looked sorter discouraged-like, and didn't
try no more to win the fight, and so he got shucked out bad.  He gave Smiley a
look, as much as to say his heart was broke, and it was his fault, for putting
up a dog that hadn't no hind legs for him to take holt of, which was his main
dependence in a fight, and then he limped off a piece and laid down and died.
It was a good pup, was that Andrew Jackson, and would have made a name for
hisself if he'd lived, for the stuff was in him and he had genius - I know it,
because he hadn't no opportunities to speak of, and it don't stand to reason
that a dog could make such a fight as he could under then them circumstances
if he hadn't no talent.  It always makes me feel sorry when I think of that
last fight of his'n, and the way it turned out.

     Well, thish-yer Smiley had rat-tarriers, and chicken cocks, and tom- cats
and all of them kind of things, till you couldn't rest, and you couldn't fetch
nothing for him to bet on but he'd match you.  He ketched a frog one day, and
took him home, and said he cal'lated to educate him; and so he never done
nothing for three months but set in his back yard and learn that frog to jump.
And you bet you he did learn him, too.  He'd give him a little punch behind,
and the next minute you'd see that frog whirling in the air like a doughnut -
see him turn one summerset, or may be a couple, if he got a good start, and
come down flat-footed and all right, like a cat.  He got him up so in the
matter of ketching flies, and kep' him in practice so constant, that he'd nail
a fly every time as fur as he could see him.  Smiley said all a frog wanted
was education, and he could do 'most anything - and I believe him.  Why, I've
seen him set Dan'l Webster down here on this floor - Dan'l Webster was the
name of the frog - and sing out, "Flies, Dan'l, flies!" and quicker'n you
could wink he'd spring straight up and snake a fly off'n the counter there,
and flop down on the floor ag'in as solid as a gob of mud, and fall to
scratching the side of his head with his hind foot as indifferent as if he
hadn't no idea he'd been doin' any more'n any frog might do.  You never see a
frog so modest and straightfor'ard as he was, for all he was so gifted.  And
when it come to fair and square jumping on a dead level, he could get over
more ground at one straddle than any animal of his breed you ever see.
Jumping on a dead level was his strong suit, you understand; and when it come
to that, Smiley would ante up money on him as long as he had a red.  Smiley
was monstrous proud of his frog, and well he might be, for fellers that had
traveled and been everywheres, all said he laid over any frog that ever they
see.

     Well, Smiley kep' the beast in a little lattice box, and he used to fetch
him down town sometimes and lay for a bet.  One day a feller - a stranger in
the camp, he was - come acrost him with his box, and says:

     "What might it be that you've got in the box?"

     And Smiley says, sorter indifferent-like, "It might be a parrot, or it
might be a canary, maybe, but it ain't - it's only just a frog.

     And the feller took it, and looked at it careful, and turned it round
this way and that, and says, "H'm - so 'tis.  Well, what's he good for?"

     "Well," Smiley, says, easy and careless, "he's good enough for one thing,
I should judge - he can outjump any frog in Calaveras county."

     The feller took the box again, and took another long, particular look,
and give it back to Smiley, and says, very deliberate, "Well," he says, "I
don't see no p'ints about that frog that's any better'n any other frog."

     "Maybe you don't," Smiley says.  "Maybe you understand frogs and maybe
you don't understand 'em; maybe you've had experience, and maybe you ain't
only a amature, as it were.  Anyways, I've got my opinion and I'll risk forty
dollars that he can outjump any frog in Calaveras county.

[Hear Smiley]
An opinionated man.

     And the feller studied a minute, and then says, kinder sad like, "Well,
I'm only a stranger here, and I ain't got no frog; but if I had a frog, I'd
bet you."

     And then Smiley says, "That's all right - that's all right - if you'll
hold my box a minute, I'll go and get you a frog." And so the feller took the
box, and put up his forty dollars along with Smiley's, and set down to wait.

     So he set there a good while thinking and thinking to hisself, and then
he got the frog out and prized his mouth open and took a teaspoon and filled
him full of quail shot - filled him pretty near up to his chin - and set him
on the floor.  Smiley he went to the swamp and slopped around in the mud for a
long time, and finally he ketched a frog, and fetched him in, and give him to
this feller, and says:

     "Now, if you're ready, set him along side of Dan'l, with his forepaws
just even with Dan'l's, and I'll give the word." Then he says, "One - two -
three - git!" and him and the feller touched up the frogs from behind, and the
new frog hopped off lively, but Dan'l give a heave, and hysted up his
shoulders - so - like a Frenchman, but it warn't no use - he couldn't budge;
he was planted as solid as a church, and he couldn't no more stir than if he
was anchored out.  Smiley was a good deal surprised, and he was disgusted too,
but he didn't have no idea what the matter was, of course.

     The feller took the money and started away; and when he was going out at
the door, he sorter jerked his thumb over his shoulder - so - at Dan'l, and
says again, very deliberate, "Well," he says, "I don't see no p'ints about
that frog that's any better'n any other frog."

     Smiley he stood scratching his head and looking down at Dan'l a long
time, and at last he says, "I do wonder what in the nation that frog throwed
off for - I wonder if there ain't something the matter with him - he 'pears to
look mighty baggy, somehow." And he ketched Dan'l by the nap of the neck, and
hefted him, and says, "Why blame my cats if he don't weight five pounds!" and
turned him upside down and he belched out a double handful of shot.  And then
he see how it was, and he was the maddest man - he set the frog down and took
out after that feller, but he never ketched him.  And - "

     [Here Simon Wheeler heard his name called from the front yard, and got up
to see what was wanted.] And turning to me as he moved away, he said: "Just
set where you are, stranger, and rest easy - I ain't going to be gone a
second."

     But, by your leave, I did not think that a continuation of the history of
the enterprising vagabond Jim Smiley would be likely to afford me much
information concerning the Rev. Leonidas W. Smiley, and so I started away.

     At the door I met the sociable Wheeler returning, and he button-holed me
and re-commenced:

     "Well, thish-yer Smiley had a yaller one-eyed cow that didn't have no
tail, only jest a short stump like a bannanner, and - "

     However, lacking both time and inclination, I did not wait to hear about
the afflicted cow, but took my leave.

     [Translation of the above back from the French].