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Text File  |  1995-05-09  |  9KB  |  165 lines
  1.  
  2.                                      MILITARY
  3.  
  4.                                        ***
  5.                                     WRITE HOME!
  6.                           Sam was in the Army overseas.
  7.                      His brother Joe wrote him a short note:
  8.                                     "Dear Sam, 
  9.                                    The cat died.
  10.                                        Joe"
  11.                                   Sam wrote back:
  12.                                    "Dear Joe,
  13.                           You know I loved that old cat.
  14.                       Why didn't you break the news gently?
  15.                               You could have written,
  16.                             `The cat was on the roof.'
  17.                         Then later you could have written,
  18.                            `The cat fell off the roof
  19.                                  and passed away.'
  20.                                        Sam."
  21.                      The next week Sam got a letter from Joe:
  22.                                     "Dear Sam,
  23.                               Mother was on the roof."
  24.                                        ***
  25.                                    TO BOLDLY GO 
  26.                                    WHERE NO MAN 
  27.                                  HAS GONE BEFORE
  28.                        When I was an Army Reserve Chaplain,
  29.                            I visited the USAR Center in 
  30.                                Springfield, Missouri.
  31.                           Having that indescribable urge,
  32.                           I sought the appropriate place.
  33.                                The doors were inset
  34.                              down the narrow hallway.  
  35.                                Glancing at the sign,
  36.                                      I read, 
  37.                                       "MEN." 
  38.                                   After entering,  
  39.                            I noticed a unique dispenser
  40.                                attached to the wall.
  41.                                 After a quick exit,
  42.                                I stared at the sign
  43.                          that had been partially obscured
  44.                                  by the door frame.
  45.                                      It read, 
  46.                                      "WOMEN."
  47.                                        ***
  48.                                       MARVEL
  49.                   This incident supposedly happened in the Navy:
  50.                        Seaman apprentice Jones was on watch
  51.                              when someone approached.
  52.                              "Halt, who goes there?"
  53.                                 Jones challenged.
  54.                                 "Captain Marvel,"
  55.                                  came the reply.
  56.                             "Well, this is Superman,"
  57.                                   Jones quipped,
  58.                         "Fly over and identify yourself!"
  59.                                        ***
  60.                            COOL FOOL IN THE MOTOR POOL
  61.                      PFC Jones was on duty in the motor pool
  62.                                when the phone rang.
  63.                                    He answered,
  64.                           "Cool fool in the motor pool,
  65.                          your dime, my time, your rhyme!"
  66.                   "What kind of vehicles do you have available?"
  67.                         asked the voice at the other end.
  68.                             "We got a duce and a half,
  69.                                  a five-quarter,
  70.                                  a quarter ton,
  71.                       and a sedan for the big, fat general."
  72.                   "Soldier, do you know who you're talking to?"
  73.                      Questioned the voice from the other end,
  74.                               "This is the general!"
  75.                                    [Silence] 
  76.                             "Do you know who this is?"
  77.                                   Jones asked,
  78.                                       "No."
  79.                                   "Bye, fatso!"
  80.                                        ***
  81.                                      ON LEAVE
  82.                        Joe was a good ole Mississippi boy 
  83.                        serving in the Army in the Far East.
  84.                             He took thirty days leave
  85.                       and flew 2000 miles to the west coast,
  86.                           travelled 800 miles on Amtrak,
  87.                            rode 200 miles on Greyhound,
  88.                        got a 10 mile lift on a swamp boat,
  89.                      and swung in the last 5 miles on vines.
  90.                        He ran up the front porch steps and
  91.                          was about to knock on the door,
  92.                               when he saw the sign,
  93.                               "Gone to the country--
  94.                                  be back Sunday"
  95.                                        ***
  96.                                 SEARS AND ROEBUCK
  97.                   Two ole Mississippi boys were always fighting.
  98.                       When they graduated from high school,
  99.                                Sam joined the Navy 
  100.                            and Joe joined the Marines.
  101.                                  After boot camp,
  102.                             both came home on leave.
  103.                       Joe, who was about 75 pounds heavier,
  104.                             said to Sam the whitehat,
  105.                            "I'm gonna whoop-up on you!"
  106.                   The Marine kicked him in the stomach, saying,
  107.                             "That's the Ja-pan Judo!"
  108.                         Then Joe gave him a chop, saying,
  109.                            "That's the Ko-rean karate!"
  110.                                  Later  that day,
  111.                              Sam sneaked up on Joe, 
  112.                       hit him over the head with a crowbar,
  113.                                     and said,
  114.                      "When he wakes up--if he evah wakes up,
  115.                                tell him that was a 
  116.                            Sears and Roebuck crowbar!"
  117.                                        ***
  118.                         WORLD'S OLDEST SECOND LIEUTENANT
  119.                     While having lunch in the Officers' Club
  120.                          I noticed a man in his sixties
  121.                    who was wearing a Second Lieutenant's bar.
  122.                          "You're probably wondering why  
  123.                     I'm still a Second Lieutenant," He said.
  124.                          "Well, it all began when I was 
  125.                        an Army Air Corps pilot in England
  126.                                    during WWII.
  127.                       "We kept having practice scrambles
  128.                                 during the night.
  129.                              So I got the bright idea 
  130.                               to train a chimpanzee
  131.                                to start my engines,
  132.                    then return after they called off the alert.
  133.                               "Everything went well 
  134.                            until they had a real alert."
  135.                          "I haven't been promoted since."
  136.                         "What happened to the Chimpanzee?"
  137.                                    I queried.
  138.                                    He replied,
  139.                               "He's now a general!"
  140.                                        ***
  141.                                    SERGEANT DYE
  142.                       "Joe, do you remember old Sergeant Dye?"
  143.                             I asked my old Army buddy.
  144.                         "Sure!  Remember, he couldn't swim?" 
  145.                                    replied Joe.
  146.                     "He used to just wade when we went swimming!
  147.                      You know that he retired in Faye, Arkansas?"
  148.                              "No kidding!" I answered,
  149.                          "I Never thought he would retire."
  150.                                 "Yep!" Joe added,
  151.                              "Old Dye never soldiers.
  152.                               He just wades in Faye!"
  153.                                        ***
  154.                                     TWO SIZES
  155.                              When I was in the Army
  156.                            Clothing came in two sizes:
  157.                                      Too big             
  158.                                        and             
  159.                                     Too small!            
  160.                                        ***
  161.  
  162.  
  163.                                        END
  164.  
  165.