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Text File  |  1994-09-17  |  7KB  |  134 lines
  1.  
  2.                                    CONSTRUCTION
  3.  
  4.                                        ***
  5.                                   GREEN SIDE UP!
  6.                         A house builder was showing a home
  7.                               to a potential buyer.
  8.                              About every five minutes
  9.                     the builder would go to a window and yell,
  10.                                  "Green side up!"
  11.                          Finally, the prospective buyer's
  12.                           curiosity got the best of him
  13.                                   and he asked,
  14.                       "Why do you continue to go the window 
  15.                                     and yell,
  16.                                  "Green side up?"
  17.                       "Well, we have a new guy laying sod,"
  18.                                    he replied.
  19.                                        ***
  20.                                     SAVE 'EM!
  21.                       A sheetrocker hired a new apprentice.
  22.                            He noticed that the new guy 
  23.                             was looking at the nails 
  24.                                 before using them.
  25.                                He threw about half
  26.                                  out the window 
  27.                              and used the other half.
  28.                      "Why are you wasting half of the nails?"
  29.                                  the boss asked.
  30.                   "Half of them have the head on the wrong end!"
  31.                                    he replied.
  32.                                      "Dummy!"
  33.                                the boss exclaimed,
  34.                    "Those are for the other side of the wall!"
  35.                                        ***
  36.                                     OVERHEARD
  37.                             The carpenter's apprentice
  38.                             was having a conversation
  39.                                   with himself:
  40.                                     "Doggone!"
  41.                             "Cut that board off twice
  42.                             and it's still too short!"
  43.                                        ***
  44.                                    ON THE LEVEL
  45.                              My friend, Dorsey Level,
  46.                            was getting a little paunch.
  47.                           I couldn't resist kidding him,
  48.                         when I introduced him as speaker:
  49.                            "We know he's on the level,
  50.                     because he has the bubble in the middle!"
  51.                                        ***
  52.                                    A REAL CARD
  53.                   A construction worker was getting into trouble
  54.                             because he would sometimes
  55.                           do the work of another trade.
  56.                                      He said,
  57.                         "It's ok.  I have a roofer's card.
  58.                               It covers everything!"
  59.                                        ***
  60.                                    QUITE A JOLT
  61.                     An electrician said to his wife jokingly,
  62.                          "Since you are forty years old,
  63.                             I think I'll trade you in 
  64.                                 on two twenties."
  65.                                   She countered,
  66.                            "You're not wired for 220!"
  67.                                        ***
  68.                             FLOOR CALIBRATED VOLTMETER
  69.                           Old Ace forgot his voltmeter,
  70.                              but he found a solution.
  71.                          He talked his electrician helper
  72.                           into touching a 440 volt line.
  73.                            He made a mark on the floor
  74.                                where it knocked him
  75.                           and divided the space equally.
  76.                                    The result?
  77.                           A floor-calibrated voltmeter.
  78.                            Of course, it was a little 
  79.                             hard on the help that day.
  80.                                        ***
  81.                                     OVERHEARD
  82.                          A painter said to his assistant,
  83.                     "Jed, get a good hold on that paintbrush.
  84.                              I'm moving the ladder!"
  85.                                        ***
  86.                                    THREE COATS
  87.                       He usually paints three coats at once:
  88.                                  One on the wall,
  89.                                 one on the floor,
  90.                                and one on himself!
  91.                                        ***
  92.                                  THE LAND OF NOD
  93.                         The plumber said to his assistant,
  94.                     "Joe, I'm going to hold this cold chisel,
  95.                              and when I nod my head,
  96.                                    you hit it."
  97.                                He did, and he did.
  98.                     After the nod, he went to the land of nod.
  99.                                 After he awakened,
  100.                       his assistant went to the land of nod.
  101.                                        ***
  102.                                   THE RIGHT TOOL
  103.                          Hammer: tool for driving screws.
  104.                       Screwdriver: tool for removing screws.
  105.  
  106.                         Pliers: tool for tightening nuts.
  107.                    Hacksaw: tool for cutting off stripped heads
  108.                            of nuts tightened by pliers.
  109.  
  110.                    Sledgehammer: tool for adjusting new doors.
  111.                     Paycheck Adjustment: instrument for buying
  112.                       new doors adjusted with sledgehammer.
  113.                                        ***
  114.                                 DATADOO CARPENTER
  115.                              It was a government job.
  116.                         A carpenter hollered to the boss,
  117.                          "Sam, this board's an inch off!"
  118.                                     "Datadoo,"
  119.                                   the boss said,
  120.                                  "Nail it down!"
  121.                                        ***
  122.                                   CARPENTER DOG
  123.                        I've got this little carpenter dog.
  124.                     ...does little odd jobs around the house."
  125.                                        ***
  126.                                    ROUND HOUSE
  127.                    Why did the carpenter build his house round?
  128.                    So his cat wouldn't go potty in the corner.
  129.                                        ***
  130.  
  131.  
  132.                                        END
  133.  
  134.