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They All Laughed At Me Wh…to Write a Joke Book 3.5
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1994-12-12
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COUNTRY
***
WHEN I WORKS
I works hard.
When I sits,
I sits loose.
And when I thinks,
I falls asleep.
***
WHY ME?
The cow went dry.
The barn burned down.
His favorite coon dog died.
All the corn burned up in the drought.
Then, when he was driving his tractor
down the highway, a semi forced him into the ditch.
As he lay pinned under his tractor, it started to rain.
The ditch began filling up and he looked up to heaven
and said, "Why me, Lord?"
A voice thundered from heaven,
"I don't know, boy,
But there's just somethin' 'bout you
That aggavates me!"
***
SMART PILLS
Two children were walking down a country lane
and I overheard them talking:
"Say, Joe, whatcha got in that sack?"
"I got me some smart pills!"
"Smat pills? Gimmie some o' dem smat pills!"
"Cost you a quarter."
Sam hands Joe a quarter,
and Joe gives Sam half a dozen white pills.
Sam pops one in his mouth and says,
"Say, that sho tastes like a salt tablet."
"Lookit dat boy--gettin' smat already!"
***
THE OKIE AND THE AGGIE
An Okie meets his Aggie friend walking toward
him with a burlap bag over his shoulder:
"Say, Clem, whatcha got in that sack?"
"Got me some chickens!"
"Chickens? Ah sho would love to have some chickens!"
"Tell you what,
Guess how many chickens I got in this sack,
An' I'll give you boff of 'em."
"Uh, three?"
"You peeked!
But, tell you what I'm agonna do:
I'll keep the White Leghorn,
The Rhode Island Red and the Dominecker.
You can have the Banty.
***
GOAT
The Aggie meets his hippy friend
leading a goat on a rope.
The Aggie says,
"Say, where did ya git that goat?"
"Down at the stockyards f' ten dollas."
"Man, you ain't no place to keep a goat.
Where you going to keep him at?"
"In m' room."
"In yore room?
But what about the smell?"
"He'll have to git used to that!"
***
TRUE FRIENS
This conversation was overheard in the Ozarks:
"Say, Clem, you and I aire best friends
Ain't we?"
"Shore, we bin friens since
We wuz younguns."
"If you had a milyon dollars
Would you give me half?"
"Shore, I'd give you haff."
"If you had two brand-new Cadillacs
Would you give me one?"
"Shore, I'd give you one."
"If you had two hogs
Would you give me one?"
(Pause)
"Shucks, Sam
You know Ah got two hawgs!"
***
WE POKE ALONG
Two old men were working for the WPA
and leaning on their shovels.
Clem says,
"Say, Moe, what time you got?"
(Moe takes his pocket watch out of his bib overalls
and looks at it.
Then, he shows it to Clem).
(Pause)
"Sho is, ain't it?"
***
CHAINSAW
Ol' Clem bought a new-fangled
chainsaw yesterday
and brought it back
to Sam's general store today:
"Sam," said Clem,
"You said I could cut ten times
more cordwood with this thing
than with my old crosscut saw.
Why, I only cut half a cord yesterday!
This confounded thang ain't no good.
I want my money back."
Sam called his helper and said,
"Take this saw around the back
and check it out."
The assistant disappeard through
the back door.
There was a loud
VAROOMMM!
The startled Clem yelled,
"What's that noise?"
***
PARTNERS
Two men were digging a ditch,
and the sweat was just pouring off them.
Their foreman was seated,
leaning back against a large oak tree
and drinking a cool glass of lemonade.
Clem says to the Moe,
"Boy, has he got it made in the shade!"
"Yeah, with a glass of lemonade!"
"Why does he get paid more than we do
an' we do all the work?"
"Ah don't know--
Ah'll go ask him."
Clem walks over to the foreman, and asks him.
The foreman answers,
"I don't know if I can explain it to you
But I'll show you.
Here, hit my hand!"
The supervisor places his hand against the oak
and then moves it.
Clem hits the tree.
Clem walks back to Moe,
shaking his hand in pain.
Moe asks,
"Whut did he say?"
"Wal, he didn't say.
He showed me."
"Wal show me."
Clem puts his hand over his face and says,
"Now hit my hand!"
***
ELEVATOR
The elevator broke down between floors
and passengers were stranded for an hour.
"Phew!" one of the passengers complained,
"Somebody's deodorant just ran out."
After a pause,
a voice came from the back of the elevator:
"Couldn't be mine.
I never use the stuff!"
***
A RANCH
A yankee had car trouble while driving in the
rural south. He walked to the nearest
farmhouse, where a large number of children
were playing in the front yard.
"Pardon me, madam," he asked their mother,
"Do you have a monkey wrench?"
"This here ain't no monkey ranch,"
she indignantly answered,
"These here are my chillen!"
***
SMART DOG!
I pulled in to a country store one cold winter day.
The owner was sitting near a pot-bellied stove,
playing checkers with a dog.
"Boy, that sure is a smart dog!" I exclaimed.
"Naw," he drawled, "He ain't so smart.
I just beat him 2 out of 3 games."
***
FOUR PLACES!
One cowboy to another:
"Didja hear about Zeke?
Got his nose broke in four places.
He don't go to them places no more!"
(Lex Graham, The Back Forty)
***
A JOB
Clem arrives at the construction site
and approaches the labor foreman.
"Say, could you use another hand?"
"Sure, you can go to work now."
"How much you gonna pay me?"
"We'll pay you what you're worth."
"Ain't working fer nobody fer them wages!"
***
ARIZONA
Jed had cold that just kept hanging on,
so he went to the doctor.
"Jed, the doctor said, "You've got
galloping consumption and you need to move to
Arizona or you're not long for this world."
Jed didn't have the money to move, so
Sam and Joe, two of his Missouri fishing
buddies took up a collection for him, and he
moved to Arizona.
After two weeks in Arizona, Jed died and
his body was shipped back to Missouri. Sam
and Joe visited the funeral home and were
alone with the body. Joe had his hands in
his hip pockets and Sam had his thumbs behind
the straps of his bib overalls as they looked
on the lifeless form of their friend Jed.
"Boy, Joe said, "He shore does look
good, don't he!"
"Yep, Sam agreed, "He never looked
better. Them two weeks in Arizona done him a
world of good!"
***
A FINE HAWG
hog farmers were sitting around a pot-
bellied stove in the country store, swapping
tales.
After about an hour of listening to them
brag, an old timer told this story:
"Did I ever tell you boys about that
prize razorback I raised back in the
thirties? Kept him penned-up for ten months,
then decided to butcher him. On second
thought, I fed him all the whole grain corn
he could eat for another six months. Then, I
took my hammer out to the pen to knock him in
the head. But, when I drew the hammer back,
he got spooked, ran through a crack and the
cat got him."
***
WHEN TO MARKET
How to tell when a razorback is ready
for market: Hold him by the ears. If his
rear goes down, he's ready. If his snout
goes down first, feed him another month.
***
DANCIN'
The scene is an old western town and an
old prospector is leading his pack mule into
town. As he approaches a group of cowboys, a
young upstart says to the others,
"Watch me have some fun with this old
coot!"
He then walks into the dirt street to
meet the prospector and taunts
"Hey, old-timer, do you know how to
dance?"
He drew both of his six-guns and began
to shoot near the old man's feet, kicking up
dust around his boots. The old prospector
did a stiff little hop for the young cowboy.
Finally, the cowboy's six-shooters went,
"Click, click."
The old prospector calmly walked to his
mule, took a shotgun from its holster, walked
back to the cowboy, cradled the shotgun in
his left arm, stuck the end of the barrel
under the cowboy's nose, and asked him,
"Sonny, did you ever kiss a mule?"
The cowboy forced a smile and said,
"Nawsuh! But I always wanted to!"
***
CLEAN REST ROOMS
It took an aggie a week
to drive from Dallas to San Antonio.
His friends in San Antonio asked,
"Why in the world did it take a week
to drive 250 miles?"
"You know all them
`CLEAN REST ROOMS' signs on I-35?"
"Yes."
"Well, you know how I obey
all them road signs!"
***
TINNED
Two British men were visiting the US.
They decided to take a ride in rural Mississippi.
They saw an old farmer leaning on a fence post.
One said to the other,
"Watch me have some fun with this old farmer."
"I say there, old boy,
doesn't look you had much of a corn crop."
The old farmer replied dryly,
"I speck not son--that's sugar cane!"
"Well, uh, do you eat all the syrup
you produce?" questioned the Englishman.
The farmer answered.
"We eat all we can,
and what we can't,
we can,"
When the Englishmen arrived back home,
one said to his friends,
"Let me tell you an American joke.
I asked a farmer if he ate all he grew.
He replied,
'We eat all we're able,
and what's left,
we tin.'"
***
SENSE
Exasperated mother to her son:
"Rasmus, you ain't got the sense
you was born with."
You ain't nevah
had the sense you was born with!"
***
HYGIENE
Exasperated mother to her son:
"Rasmus, git in thet kitchen,
git thet dishrag,
and wipe yo' snotty nose!
If there's anything I despise,
it's nastiness!"
***
STEALING
Exasperated mother to her son:
"Rasmus, what you got there,
a watermelon?
How many times I told you
not to steal watermelons?
(She thumps the mellon).
"A green watermelon!
The next time you steals a green watermelon,
Ah'm gonna whoop the daylights out of you!"
***
CENSUS
I enjoyed visiting my inlaws
in the small country town of
Aldrich, Missouri.
The population was about 80,
which included dogs and cows.
The main occupation was whittling.
The main sport was watching haircuts.
The county newspaper was so thin,
you could read a newspaper through it.
***
END
