Non-pen friends
Nicholas Carr
Nearly every disaster has its positive side, and the threat of AIDS has opened up the possibility of widespread acceptance for new codes of sexual behaviour. Already it has become acceptable to discuss in public the intimate details of the ways we relate to each other sexually.
The following suggestion is a viable alternative to celibacy or using condoms with extra-marital lovers - and has many positive virtues besides avoiding the risk of AIDS.
'A mutual agreement to draw the line at penetration with new or casual sexual partners'
There is really nothing new to the idea itself - simply a mutual agreement to draw the line at penetration with new or casual sexual partners. Although this cuts out the possibility of having a 'complete' sexual experience, I believe that it is a fair price to pay for avoiding the worries that so often spoil the fun: the fear of catching herpes, AIDS or venereal diseases; worries about pregnancy and contraceptives; anxiety about sexual performance; the surfacing of deep-seated guilt feelings; and concern that aroused emotions may result in one or other partner getting hurt.
I do not consider myself particularly promiscuous - in fact my sex life has consisted of a series of monogamous relationships. But between these there have been periods when I have had many lovers, either for the excitement, the warmth or in search of a new long-term partner. Most of these casual sexual experiences have been disappointing, and even when they have been good have sometimes downgraded a relaxed friendship into an awkward relationship. And there have been emotional tragedies afterwards, when I have had painful longings which my partner has not shared, or vice versa.
'A clean dirty weekend: we were able to relax and laugh a lot, it was continuously sexy, and it felt romantic and caring too'
Several years ago, after the ending of a serious relationship, I decided to avoid my usual pattern of casual sexual relationships. However, I discovered that celibacy was not the answer, it just made me tense. Then I got talking with a woman who was in the same situation, and we decided on fulfilling our needs (for warmth at least) by sleeping together but avoiding making love - which we carried on doing regularly until she found a new mate. Next I invited a woman (whom I had only met briefly when we had talked about this) to spend a clean dirty weekend with me, and we both had a wonderful time: we were able to relax and laugh a lot; it was continuously sexy because I avoided ejaculation, and it felt romantic and caring too. We both felt nurtured and warm inside after the weekend, yet the fact that we had not 'made love' spelt out that we were not committed to one another. On another occasion I slept with a woman who had had many casual affairs since breaking up with her man. I insisted (rather against her choice) on a non-penetration pact, and to her surprise she experienced the first orgasm of her promiscuous fling - due, she thought, to being relaxed enough to let go. So, even as a 'non-believer', she found that the restriction on penetration gave her more freedom to enjoy the experience.
'Withholding penetration and avoiding ejaculation actually heightens the experience, as is well established in many traditional practices including Tantra'
This might all sound like some sort of perversion which should not be applied to someone you regard as a potential spouse. In fact, it is a wonderful preparation for a good sexual relationship - to get relaxed together and enjoy the stimulation of one another's touch before going 'all the way'. Withholding penetration and avoiding ejaculation actually heighten the experience, as is well established in many traditional practices including Tantra.
There is, as I mentioned, nothing new or dramatic in having sex without penetration. What I am promoting here is the idea that it should be accepted as normal outside monogamous relationships. 'Non-pen' sex is sexy, it is safe and it is fun - and it will not leave you wishing you had never set eyes on each other.
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