Labels:text | screenshot | font | menu OCR: SKEIN IS ONLY 360 FEET by Grey Borek ------------- "Boss! Hey, boss! Got a minute?" Well, I "That's great, that's great! Listen to this. Knock your socks off. The boys in research were playing around with a "CHKDSK" file. You mou, one of those fruit-loopy "FILE8000. CHK" files CHKDSK. COM makes from the lost scraps on a hard disk. Following?" "I, uh, "That's great. Mou Binklenan, . you know, Binklenan? The weird one Studnan hired? Nothing to look at, but a brilliant, diseased wind. Anyway Binklenan says he's always suspected that there was sone sort of pattern to these files. Paranoia in capital letters or what? So guess what he does?" "Did he "Ho, even worse. He starts playing around with the bits in the file: shifting every other character 24 bits left, the other characters 10 bits right, subtracting 27, and passing the result through a substitution cypher using "peach flavored werewolves" as the key. Scoobey-do, guess what he comes up with? Listen: -How is the winter of our discontent -Made glorious sumner by this sun of York: -find all the clouds that . . "Know what that is?" "Well that's . "Gibberish, I know. Rechecking his work, he realized he should only shifting every other character only 22 bits, not 24. Wow! What bonchead play! Guess what he comes up with then? I'll read it: -To be, or not to be, that is the question: -Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer -The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune "And stuff like that. It goes on for pages and pages." Why that's. "I know, I know ... a complete waste of time. I told hin, "Lad, you're barking.' A bit strong I know, but one must be firm with the young ones or they don't learn. He went off and started in completely new direction based on .. . guess what?" "I couldn't "That's right, a 4th order Bessel function. Great guess. Wrong of course, but wonderful potential this Binkleman. Multiplying cach yte by the Permeability of Free Space, 4 - 10e-7 Wb/An, then lividing by the speed of light times absolute zero C yielded quess what? Cone on, guess? Listen! -2 cups flour 3 egg whites -6 oz. butter 3-1/2 oz. granulated sugar -1 pinch salt 1 qt. fresh blueberries -3 egg yolks Preheat the oven to 375. Mix all the ingredients . : and so on, including serving instructions and nutritional information. Might as well be a Crime Bill. Monsense at it's worse. What do you make of that, huh?" "Quite a "Yes, other than a recipe for a rather yanny blueberry pie. complete gibberish. Can you believe the things these guys will come p with?" "Only "How don't be to hard on hin. I night have made the same mistake yself in my younger days on one of those nights when I lost yet another drinking competition. But here is where the story gets Interesting. I got involved. I knew the answer to this comundrun as not far off. 'Use your brain, not your fingers, Binklenan,' said. What would be a likely thing to try next?" "If you ca. "Calcium tetraborate, CaB407! Yes, that's exactly what I thought it first, but I made the same mistake. See it? Mo? Well, when we did it the wrong way we got: -Children below the age of 7 should use the -microwave with a supervising person very near "to them. Between the ages of 7 and 12, the supervising "person should be in the same room. -The child must be able to reach the oven comfortably: -if not, he/she should stand on a sturdy stool. -At no time should anyone be allowed to lean or swing on -the oven door . "See the flaw in the equation? A square hectometer is only 2.471044 acres U.S. bit 2.471058 acres British. When we put in the correct value the answer plopped out right in our laps, without so uch as a "By your leave". We got something clear as the lint in your bellybutton. Ready?"" "I could "No, this is really hot! Listen to this, if you can: -People of Earth. Your pany planet is about to invaded -by the infintely superior forces of the HotCrossedBuns -Star Empire. Resistence is futile. Make peace with -whatever deity you worship. You have only until 1 February -1995, Earth date, where the first icing and raspberry sauce "ships will land in Taledo, Ohio, USA . "Ta ledo? "Dann. You're right. Taledo's spelled wrong. I must of screwed up the math. Shit, I thought I rechecked my math. I must look like a real Herbert. Sorry to waste your time like this." [DREAM} Copyright 1995 Greg Borek, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED rey Borek is a C programner with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway andit" -- but don't tell his boss ve told you) in Falls Church, W. de has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Greg can be reached via e-mail at: gborckidreamforge.com Being gloomy is easier than being cheerful. Anybody can say "I've got cancer" and get a rise out of a croud. But how many of us can do five minutes of good stand-up comedy? - P. J. O' Rourke
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