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Dream Forge Demo 1995 February
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1995-02-01
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6KB
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144 lines
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A SKEIN IS ONLY 360 FEET
by Greg Borek
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"Boss! Hey, boss! Got a minute?"
"Well, I . . ."
"That's great, that's great! Listen to this. Knock your socks off.
The boys in research were playing around with a "CHKDSK" file. You
know, one of those fruit-loopy "FILE0000.CHK" files CHKDSK.COM makes
from the lost scraps on a hard disk. Following?"
"I, uh, . . ."
"That's great. Now Binkleman, . . . you know, Binkleman? The weird
one Studman hired? Nothing to look at, but a brilliant, diseased
mind. Anyway Binkleman says he's always suspected that there was some
sort of pattern to these files. Paranoia in capital letters or what?
So guess what he does?"
"Did he . . .?"
"No, even worse. He starts playing around with the bits in the
file: shifting every other character 24 bits left, the other
characters 18 bits right, subtracting 27, and passing the result
through a substitution cypher using "peach flavored werewolves" as
the key. Scoobey-do, guess what he comes up with? Listen:
*Now is the winter of our discontent
*Made glorious summer by this sun of York;
*And all the clouds that . . .
"Know what that is?"
"Well that's . . ."
"Gibberish, I know. Rechecking his work, he realized he should only
be shifting every other character only 22 bits, not 24. Wow! What
a bonehead play! Guess what he comes up with then? I'll read it:
*To be, or not to be, that is the question;
*Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
*The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune . . .
"And stuff like that. It goes on for pages and pages."
"Why that's . . ."
"I know, I know . . . a complete waste of time. I told him,
`Lad, you're barking.' A bit strong I know, but one must be firm
with the young ones or they don't learn. He went off and started in
a completely new direction based on . . . guess what?"
"I couldn't . . ."
"That's right, a 4th order Bessel function. Great guess. Wrong,
of course, but wonderful potential this Binkleman. Multiplying each
byte by the Permeability of Free Space, 4 * 10e-7 Wb/Am, then
dividing by the speed of light times absolute zero C yielded . . .
guess what? Come on, guess? Listen:
*2 cups flour 3 egg whites
*6 oz. butter 3-1/2 oz. granulated sugar
*1 pinch salt 1 qt. fresh blueberries
*3 egg yolks
Preheat the oven to 375. Mix all the ingredients . . .
". . . and so on, including serving instructions and nutritional
information. Might as well be a Crime Bill. Nonsense at it's worse.
What do you make of that, huh?"
"Quite a . . ."
"Yes, other than a recipe for a rather yummy blueberry pie,
complete gibberish. Can you believe the things these guys will come
up with?"
"Only a . . ."
"Now don't be to hard on him. I might have made the same mistake
myself in my younger days on one of those nights when I lost yet
another drinking competition. But here is where the story gets
interesting. I got involved. I knew the answer to this conundrum
was not far off. `Use your brain, not your fingers, Binkleman,' I
said. What would be a likely thing to try next?"
"If you ca. . ."
"Calcium tetraborate, CaB4O7! Yes, that's exactly what I thought
at first, but I made the same mistake. See it? No? Well, when we did
it the wrong way we got:
*Children below the age of 7 should use the
*microwave with a supervising person very near
*to them. Between the ages of 7 and 12, the supervising
*person should be in the same room.
*The child must be able to reach the oven comfortably;
*if not, he/she should stand on a sturdy stool.
*At no time should anyone be allowed to lean or swing on
*the oven door . . .
"See the flaw in the equation? A square hectometer is only
2.471044 acres U.S. but 2.471058 acres British. When we put in the
correct value the answer plopped out right in our laps, without so
much as a "By your leave". We got something clear as the lint in
your bellybutton. Ready?"
"I could . . ."
"No, this is really hot! Listen to this, if you can:
*People of Earth. Your puny planet is about to invaded
*by the infintely superior forces of the HotCrossedBuns
*Star Empire. Resistance is futile. Make peace with
*whatever deity you worship. You have only until 1 February
*1995, Earth date, where the first icing and raspberry sauce
*ships will land in Taledo, Ohio, USA . . .
"Taledo? I . . ."
"Damn. You're right. Taledo's spelled wrong. I must have screwed up
the math. Shit, I thought I rechecked my math. I must look like a
real Herbert. Sorry to waste your time like this."
{DREAM}
Copyright 1995 Greg Borek, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
Bandit" -- but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA.
He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Greg can be reached
via e-mail at: gborek@dreamforge.com
=====================================================================
Being gloomy is easier than being cheerful. Anybody can say
"I've got cancer" and get a rise out of a crowd. But how many
of us can do five minutes of good stand-up comedy? - P.J. O'Rourke