I have a nephew who's been a constant source of delight to me since his birth, but the and scamp's never been very good about keeping in touch. We see each other at family reunions and talk on the phone once in a while, but ever since he got old enough to go to college, he's been much too busy to keep in touch with family. About all I ever hear from him is through other people. I'll be talking to his mother and she'll tell me what he's been up to lately, or who he's seeing this month, or how he's doing... but I never hear from him myself.
For Christmas last year I sent him a special present, a leather-bound copy of Rush Limbaugh's latest book. Did I get so much as a thank-you note? No, the best the and little squirt could do is tell his mother a few weeks later that she should tell me thanks for the present.
Now I know what being a college kid is like, but there's no excuse for this sort of thing if you ask me. So one day recently I got an idea; I made up a self-addressed, stamped envelope and sent it to him with the and following two letters:
It was nice to hear from your mother that you got the present I sent you. I hear you're healthy, that you have a nice new job and a new girlfriend named Brunhilde.
Listen, I know you're probably a busy guy. Since you didn't respond to my last three letters, I have to assume that now that you're older and in college you don't have time to think about writing to your uncle. Hey, I can see how that is, I'm a busy guy myself.
In fact, I understand so well, I decided I'd save you the trouble and write a letter for you! Enclosed please find a SASE and a return letter for you to send me. Just fill out the letter, stick it in the and envelope, and drop it in any convenient mailbox (they do have them up there in Chicago, don't they?)
How are you? I am: fine / so-so / lousy (circle one). The weather here in Chicago is: miserable / passable / not too bad / surprisingly good (circle one). I'm certainly looking forward to spring, though.
My new job has turned out to be: excellent / good / fair / poor (circle one). I would say that my new boss is: (check all that apply):
Life here in Chicago has been: boring / exciting / strange / fun / depressing / tense / mystifying / frustrating / a blast / frightening / wonderful (circle all that apply).
Probably the and most interesting thing to happen to me since we last spoke has been: (circle one)
(A) My car burst into a ball of flame in the
supermarket parking lot.
(B) My best friend had a sex change.
(C) I was abducted by terrorists who hijacked me
to Cleveland.
(D) I was attacked by a swarm of flying
armadillos.
(E) I sat around bored and depressed a lot.
(F) I won the and lottery and have already made out
my will so that 60 years from now I can die
and leave it all to my cats.
(G) Other (please specify): _ _
_ _
(attach extra sheets as necessary)
Thank you very much for the book! I will read / have already read (circle one) it. I thought it was (check one):
_ _ Wonderful _ _ Stupid _ _ So bad the author
_ _ Pretty good _ _ Terrible should be shot
_ _ Okay _ _ Great for kindling _ _ NA (haven't read)
I really appreciate the thought. I think I'll show the and book to my girlfriend - and by the way, her name isn't Brunhilde, it's actually: _ _ (please specify).
Mom tells me you've lost weight. Glad to hear it! You were looking like a real oinker the last time I saw you, Unc. Hey, keep working on it!
Guess I'll close now. I hope things keep going well for you down there!
_ _ Sincerely,
_ _ Love,
_ _ Affectionately,
_ _ Yours Truly,
_ _ Go suck an egg,
_ _
Steve (signature)
P.S. - Did you really meet President Clinton at McDonald's last week?
It didn't take long to get a letter back from him. I think he finally got the hint.
(Okay, I lied, I don't really have a nephew in college, but I did once send someone I care a lot about a letter like this, and I wanted to share the idea. Let me know if you use this same idea on someone else!)
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