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Monster Media 1994 #1
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CLOTH.ART
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1994-03-27
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4KB
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88 lines
▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄
░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░HOW TO BECOME A MAN OF THE CLOTH░░░░░░░░Glenn Gatlin
▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀
One of few things I admire about organized religion is that, despite
being completely bogus, it manages to work itself into a figure of
authority in almost every community. A man of the cloth commands
respect. It is assumed that a man of god is somehow better than the
rest of us, less likely to be tempted into sin, less likely to lie
on his taxes, less likely to impregnate your daughter, when we
really know that they're just a bunch of flaming pedophiles.
The majority of the people aren't yet savy to this, so you can take
advantage of them by becoming an ordained minister, bishop, or pope.
Along with your credentials you will get the accompanying tax
advantages, as well as the legal ability to perform marriages and
funerals. There are also airline and hotel "clergy" discounts,
not to mention the fun you can have starting up your own church fund
drive.
The Charter Ecumenical Ministries in Los Angeles California will
make you a reverend in their church for the low, low price of
$10.00. Just send them a ten spot and they'll give you the right to
declare your home a church.
But you say you'd rather be a Bishop? No problem, for $50.00 the
Calvery Church of Faith in Rillton, PA will bestow upon you the
title of Bishop, with the right to be addressed as "Your Grace."
There are no responsibilities and you don't even have to be a
christian to qualify.
Although not quite as official, there is the Church of The
Subgenius. If you've never heard of them or the Rev. Ivan Stang,
then you're in for a big surprise. Send them $10.00 and you'll
get more information than your brain could possibly process in a
thousand lifetimes. Don't look for any tax breaks from this one.
If becoming a Pope still doesn't satisfy your spiritual urge, then
maybe sainthood is for you. Traditionally, this is one of the
hardest ranks to achieve, not only do you have to perform a few
miracles, but they'd also like you to be dead, that is, everyone
except the Universal Life Church, who doesn't really give a damn what
you are if you send them ten bucks: you're a saint. In return you
will get "A beautiful parchment certificate with your saintly name
engraved on it." What a deal!
I snagged most of this info from $TATU$ FOR SALE, a great reference
book for those of us who need to buy a little prestige. It covers
every area of high class you can imagine, and how to manipulate it
for your own personal benefit. Among many other things, this book
will tell you how to get on "The Best Dressed List," legally
change your name, real and phony college degrees, and how to become
certified royalty (it really is amazing what you can buy for a
couple mil!)
Handy Address Reference
Charter Ecumenical Ministries
3119 Isabel Drive
Los Angeles, CA 90065
Calvary Church of Faith
P.O. Box 333
Rillton, PA 15678
Church of the Subgenius
P.O. Box 140306
Dallas, TX 75214
Universal Life Church
152 Thompson Ave.
Mtn. View, CA 94043
Almay and Sons
37 Purchase St. Rye,
NY, NY 10580
$tatu$ For Sale
Charter Publications
3119 Isabel Drive
Los Angeles, CA 90065
-end-
Reprinted with permission from:
Dogma - The Journal of Disbelief
Preliminary Issue - January 1994