The Unsorted BBS Collection/thegreatunsorted.tar/thegreatunsorted/texts/txtfiles_misc/farts.txt

Text File | 1980-01-01 | 12KB | 219 lines

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                     N O T E   T O   A L L   U S E R S
                   All farts are divided into two groups:
                         1.  Your Farts
                         2.  Somebody Else's Farts
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THE ANTICIPATED FART:  This one warns that it is back there waiting for some
time before it arrives.  A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who
later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an
Anticipated Fart.

THE BACK SEAT FART:  This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles.  It is
identified chiefly by odor.  The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by
traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud.  But its odor is
foul, will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car.  And then
someone will say, who farted in the back seat?

THE BARRED OWL FART:  A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying
this fart.  Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can
hear one of these birds talking to himself.  It's a sort of a crazy laugh,
particularly the way it ends.  If you hear a fart that has about eight notes
in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard
the rare Barred Owl Fart.

THE BULLET FART:  Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is
its sound.  It sounds like a rifle shot.  The farter can be said to have
snapped it off.  It can startle spectators and farter alike.  Fairly common
following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.

THE COMMAND FART:  This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can
be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment.  Unlike the
Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed.  Harold Tabor recently held a
Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the
end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.

THE COMMON FART:  This fart needs little description.  It is to the world of
farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds.  I can see no point in
describing this far any further.

THE CUSHIONED FART:  A concealed fart, sometimes successful.  The farter is
usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl.  They will squirm and push their
butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out
a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after.  Some odor
may escape, but usually not much.  Common with some people.

THE DUD FART:  The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all.  It's a fart that
fails.  For this reason it is stricly a group one identification fart,
because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else
expected to fart but didn't.  It is the most private of all farts.  In most
cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.

THE ECHO FART:  This is a fart that can be wrongly identified.  It is not some
great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon.  The true
Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo.  It is a two-toned fart, the first
tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone.  Like an echo.

THE G AND L FART:  This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts,
known to everyone.  Certainly it is the least gross.  If you have not already
guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost.  One of the most embarrassing of
all farts, even when you are alone.

THE GHOST FART:  A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be
identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house.  You
enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there.  People will insist that only a
fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens
to smell like a fart.

THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART:  This is strictly an old lady's fart.  What happens
is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time.
After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest
and say, "My, my", or "Well, well".  There is no reason she should not be
proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is.

THE JERK FART:  The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins,
and points to himself in case you missed it.  It is usually a single-noted,
off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk
will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.

THE JOHN FART:  The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john.
It is naturally a group one identification, with the wound, whatever it was,
somewhat muffled.  If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he
will be disappointed for sure.  Common as pigeons.

THE LEAD FART:  The heaviets of all farts.  It sounds like a dropped ripe
watermelon.  Or a falling body in some cases.  It is the only fart that goes
thud.  Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed
altogether as a far.  What was that, you might think?  And never guess.

THE MALTED MILK BALL FART:  Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies
this fart.  It smells exactly like malted milk balls.  No other food works this
way.  It is rare.

THE OH MY GOD FART:  This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts
- a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart.  If
you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh shit,
which would be understandable.

THE OMEN FART:  This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart.  About the only
difference is that the farter will not say anything.  He will just look kind of
funny and head for the john.  This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.

THE ORGANIC FART:  Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart.  The person who
farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when
he farts.  If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed
how good and pure and health his fart smells.  It may smell to you like any
other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him.  He is doing what he
thinks is best.

THE QUIVER FART:  A group one identification fart only.  When you fart, it
quivers.  If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart.  If you have to scratch
it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.

THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART:  You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name,
as this is one of the most frightening of all farts.  It is frightening to
farter and spectator alike.  It has a sound of pain to it.  What is most
diagnostic about it, however, is its length.  It is the longest-lasting fart
there is.  It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak.  As though he
has had the wind knocked out of him.  A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes
on for at least fifteen seconds.

THE RELIEF FART:  Sound or odor don't matter on this one.  What matters is
the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted.  Some people will
even say, "Wow, what a relief".  Very common.

THE RELUCTANT FART:  This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man.
The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own.  It gives
the impression that it likes staying where it is.  It will come when it is
ready, not before.  This can take half-a-day in some instances.

THE RUSTY GATE FART:  The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a
fart.  Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make.  The Rusty Gate
Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled.  It
sounds like a fart that hurts.

THE S.B.D. FART:  S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one
of the most common farts that exists.  No problem of identification with this
one.

THE SANDPAPER FART:  This one scratches.  Otherwise it may not amount to much.
You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically
becomes a Scratchass Fart.  Common.

THE SKILLSAW FART:  A truly awesome fart.  It vibrates the farter.  Really
shakes him up.  People back away.  It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping
through a piece of half-inch plywood.  Very impressive.  Not too common.

THE SONIC BOOM FART:  The people who believe in this fart claim it is even
bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart.  The Sonic Boom Fart is
supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows.  This is ridiculous.  No
fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows.  A far that could do
that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.

THE SPLATTER FART:  Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists.  It is the wettest
of all farts.  It probably should not be called a fart at all.

THE STUTTER FART:  If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart.
It is a fart that can't seem to get going.  The sound is best described as
pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW!  It is usually a forced-out far that
gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable
effort.

THE TACO BELL FART:  The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your
ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up.  Sometimes hours or even a day.
But it will get there.  And it will hang around after, too, even on a windy day.

THE TEFLON FART:  Slips out without a sound and no strain at all.  A very good
fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all.  You can be talking
to someone and not miss saying a word.  If the wind is right he will never
know.

THE THANK GOD I'M ALONE FART:  Everyone knows this rotten fart.  You look
around after you have farted and say Thank God I'm alone.  Then you get out of
there.

THE TICKLE FART:  A group one only and one of the easiest to identify.  Usually
a slow soft sort of fart.  If you like being tickled this is the fart for you.

THE UNDERWEAR RIPPER FART:  Sound alone is diagnostic with this fart.  It will
usually happen when the person is sitting down.  It is one of the longer farts.
It will sound so much like a piece of cloth being ripped that it can fool a
person sitting in the next room.  Naturally it will not fool the farter.  He
will know he has not ripped his underwear.  But right then he may not be too
sure about anything else.

THE UP-TIGHT FART:  This is a kind of drawn-out Sutter Fart except that this
one squeaks.  When he knows he has to fart, like it or not, he gets even more
up-tight.  He may snap his spincters shut like a steel trap, but out comes the
fart.  Squeak, squeak, squeak.  It is embarrassing for everyone.

THE VENTRILOQUIST FART:  This is something that just happens.  It is doubtful
if anyone can learn to throw his farts.  But sometimes, if all the conditions
are right, it will happen.  And the person sitting next to the farter will
look surprised and embarrassed and the farter will look suprised and pleased.
This will have been a Ventriloquist Fart.  It is an extremely hard one to
identify unless you are the farter.

THE WHO CUT THE CHEEZE FART:  An easy identification with this one.  Someone
has got to say, Who cut the cheeze? when the fart is first noticed or it
cannot be called a Who Cut The Cheeze Fart.  It may or may not have an odor
like strong cheese, but it will have an odor.

THE YODEL FART:  The Yodel Fart sounds like a fart whose voice is changing, or
like a yodel.  It can be either a Swiss mountain yodeler type of yodel or an
American cowboy singer type of yodel.

THE YO-YO FART:  This is a spectacular fart.  A real dilly.  Sound alone
identifies it.  It makes the Octave Fart sound like a hiccough.  It starts out
on the highest fart note possible and goes all the way down to the lowest fart
note possible.  And then, to the amazement of everyone, it comes all the way
back up again.  Extremely rare.

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This FARTS LIST can be download from the Miscellaneous Directory under the
filename FARTS.LZH.

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