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1995-06-23
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11KB
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205 lines
_--=PeEll=--_(tm) on:
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Hot summer nights are the same no matter where you live... there's nothing
like a warm July evening to inspire a bunch of sex-starved adolescents to
acts of Random Senseless Destruction (RSD). Unfortunately, this time of year
also tends to drain one's mind of all ideas that one might have for such
activities. Fear not! Contained herein are myriad suggestions of how to
spend a few early-morning hours enjoying yourself and annoying others. Call
your frhends together and try a few out.
A night of RSD is usually divided into two modes. The first mode is Cruising
-- simply driving along major thoroughfares until an opportunity presents
itself. Of course, you'll be keeping your eyes open for nubile members of
the opposite sex, and your windows open (or better, your roof down) so the
rest of the world can admire your taste in music and in clothing. On a well-
balanced night of RSD, most of your time will be spent in this mode, so
choose your music well. Here are a few tunes which I have found to be quite
appropriate for tooling down the streets at 2 AM.
OffSpring: Gotta Get Away, Bad Habit, Come Out and Play
Bone: Foe Tha Love of $
Naughty By Nature: Craziest, Holdin' Fort
After you've been to two McDonald's and five Circle K's, and you've seen
enough pussy to keep you horny for over a year -- so it's time to move out
and start the second mode: Random Senseless Vandalism. The mood of the music
goes over the edge, meaning, of course, Punk! Some sample tunes:
Metallica
OffSpring (of course)
Pearl Jam: Spin The Black Circle
But, as the question goes, what do you DO when you Do What You Do? Now that
we've set up an appropriate musical mood, we can start in on the good stuff:
tha Random Senseless Vandalism itself.
You'll need a few tools. A sample list follows.
crowbar
wire cutters
flashlight w/red filter
spray paint
survival knife
short (18") length of chain
rocks (medium-large)
caltrops (lots)
toilet paper
rope
assorted fireworks
BB or pellet gun/rifle
water balloons
PoP (soda)
Crowbar: The ultimate multi-purpose vandalism tool. Can be used to shatter
windows, break off doorknobs, and to pry open practically anything you like.
Wire Cutters: You never know when you might walk into a fence you don't
happen to like, and some good wire cutters can alleviate the situation. Make
sure the fence isn't electrified before you try anything with it! Barbed
wire looks nice wrapped around the front end of a car, replacing its
grille, or festooned along the walls of your room. And a stretch of
chainlink adds a nice touch to any bedroom decor.
Flashlight w/Red Filter: There is nothing more suspicious-looking than a
bunch of guys out in a field with a flashlight, and the red filter will help
alleviate observation problems. Also, the red color allows you to retain
your night vision while keeping your eyes on what you are doing.
Spray Paint: The possibilities are endless.
Survival Knife: This tool takes care of the stuff that the crowbar and the
wire cutters aren't really designed for. Try these: cutting down tire-and-
rope swings in front yards, slashing banners, collecting flags (it's illegal
to display them at night without proper illumination anyway), slicing
seatbelts that assholes leave hanging out of their car doors. Fucking with
convertible tops is bad form, but tarps over boats or cars are great,
especially if it's raining.
Short (18") Length of Chain: Make it sturdy, this one will be taking a lot
of abuse. Use it on car bodies and windows, or connect it to your rope to
tow something large down the street a ways. Be careful, though! Remember
what happened in Mad Max!
Rocks: Easy to find, easier to use. The windows of houses are eazy targets
for rocks.
Caltrops: In case an irate smart-ass citizen decides to chase you. (Don't
use'em on cops unless you're SURE they didn't get a good look at your car!) A caltrop is a piece of metal that, when you throw it onto the
ground, always lands so that one point sticks up into the air where it can do
major damage to tires and to feet wearing anything less than good work boots.
Sure, a board with nails in it will do the same thing, but caltrops are less
noticable, and who the hell is dumb enough to drive over a random board in
the middle of the street anyway? The simplest reliable design is to take two
nails, cut the heads off and sharpen both ends of each, bend them to an angle
of about 135 degrees, and weld them together at the bend. If you're serious
about it, get together with a few of your friends and set up a mass-
production line for a few hours the evening before you all go out, and make
about 50 of them. If you drop them on a road (handfuls of 6-8 work well),
don't travel on that road for a while! And of coursd, you can just dump them
in the middle of a major intersection in the dead of night. Or in a parking
lot outside a movie theater just before the movie lets out. Caltrops pack
one hell of a wallop for their size.
Toilet Paper: No anarchy run is truly complete without toilet paper,
especially if it looks like it's going to rain. When toilet paper gets wet
(with gasoline it will stick to a house for a while), you can forget about
trying to clean it up, because you CAN'T. If the weather is nice, why not
consider looking for a garden hose to help the paper along (or gasoline)?
Rope: You'll always be able to find a good use for rope. In fact, there's
really no need to go out and *buy* rope; chances are you'll be able to find
some on the way somewhere. Flagpole rope is made amazingly strong since it
has to stand up to years of the elements -- who wants to change the rope on a flagpole? -- so get that kind if you can. It's easy to
find on any school campus. It's great fun to tie a sturdy slip knot on a
flagpole rope, tie the loose end to the back of a pickup, then take off.
See what gives first, the pole or the back of the truck. For that matter,
the rear axle trick from American Graffiti is pretty amusing too, if your
rope is strong enough.
Assorted Fireworks: Ah, yes, the Flames of the Gods. There's nothing like
driving around town, lighting fireworks, and throwing them out the window.
Bottle Rockets are the most spectacular . . . they'll sit on tha road until
you're a few dozen yards away, then take off to God Knows Where. Sometimes
they'll fly down the street a ways, then hit a curb and arc off in the
direction of someone's bedroom window. (Of course, you're using the kind
"with report" for maximum effect, aren't you?) M-80's and their more powerful
homemade cousins are wonderful for mailboxes, placing on car windshields, and
just plain waking up everyone within a quarter mile. Those "whistling
cabins" are great for annoying dogs as well as people, and if you run across
a car that someone forgot to lock, make sure the windows are rolled up and
lob a few smoke bombs inside. Kiss the interior of that vehicle GOODBYE. If
you have something a bit more powerful, like a CO2 cartridge filled with
black powder, knock a hole in a cinderblock wall with a large rock and drop
tha pecker inside it. The brick it gets stuck next to is history. Looking
to shatter windows? Take one of those CO2 bombs with a long fuse and put
it in the middle of a 32 oz. glass bottle full of gravel, pick a nice
building with a lot of glass on it, drop and light the bomb, and LEAVE.
Wheee! Shrapnel! Who says the Neon Knights have all the fun?
BB or Pellet Gun/Rifle: For non-assholes only. Leave the small animals
alone ... save your ammo for the targets that deserve to be abused, things
like people. Air guns are at their best when you're in a moving car. Pump up
the air rifle and load a few BB's in, then buzz by the local car dealership
and take out that nice big showroom window -- ftow! Mr. Slick Sam, The Used
Car Man, now has to unload an Eldie or two to pay for a new pane of glass.
And oh, how expensive that glass can be! These are also great for vans with
custom murals on the side. You can elect to use low power and just deface
tha thing, or go all the way and punch a few holes. 'Sup to you! And do you
know how much it costs to replace the body panels on a Corvette? Yow!
Water Balloons: Yeah, plain water balloons really belong to the grade-
schoolers and the fraternity types with balloon launchers, but how about
putting about a tablespoon of Rit dye in the balloon before you fill it?
Looks really nice on stucco or on white cinderblock, where it gets a chance
to soak in for a few hours. Be imaginative, use a few balloons of different
colors on a single target for some instant modern art.
PoP (soda, coke, Mt. Dew): Drink it then find a car with it's door unlocked
or window rolled down. Then piss in his car. Or just dumb it in. Find a
nice car with a leather interior!!!
Your Bare Hands: A vandal needs no tools to do his dirty work -- his bare
hands can do a great deal. Try switching around a few realty signs. Grab a
trash bag that's waiting for the 6AM pickup as you drive by, then drag it
alongside the car as you speed down the street. When it breaks, someone will
have a serious mess to deal with. Or introduce that trash bag to the
neighbor's pool. Bananna peels and pool filters get along marvelously. Got
a road that's really just a loooooong hill? Montgomery Blvd. in Albuquerque
is a good example, with at lease five miles of long, straight, gentle
gradient. "Borrow" someone's spare tire and see how far down the hill it'll
roll before it hits something (or someone!). Or "borrow" several, have every
one bet on a tire, and hold a race.
Well, people! Now you've got some ideas for your RSD runs!!
Go for it!!
_--=PeEll=--_