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From rec.humor Fri May  7 13:14:45 1993
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From: [e-mail] (RICKER, JOEL MELVIN            )
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Net.Story.Book v0.4
Date: 28 Apr 1993 20:43:58 GMT
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I originally posted this on rec.games.frp.dnd.  It is a compilation of humorous
stories people sent me about the different adventures they went on.  Even if
you have no experience in role-playing games, I think everyone will appreciate
it.

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           | ||                      \/                      || |
           | ||                      |                       || |
           | ||  Net.Story.Book      |                       || |
           | ||                      |                       || |
           | ||      v0.4            |   Compiled with       || |
           | ||                      |   submissions and     || |
           | ||       by             |   extracts from       || |
           | ||                      |   Usenet.             || |
           | ||    Renegade          |                       || |
           | ||                      |                       || |
           | ||___________________   |    ___________________|| |
           | |====================`-.| .-'====================| |
           | ========================\/======================== |
           `-------------------------'`-------------------------'

Introduction:  I decided to put together a little bit of what I have already to
spur interest and tickle your funny bone.  Any comments, good or bad will be
greatly appreciated.  If anyone has any other suggestions on format, that will
be appreciated too.  Also, keep posting and sending stories.  If there are any
corrections to addresses of people below, you want to change the title of it
your story or there is a mistake in the proper acknowledgement of the original
poster, let me know.

             - Renegade
               [e-mail] (Joel Ricker)


Contributions:

  Thanks for the following people for either submitting or posting a story
  on the 'net.

                       ([e-mail])
^ Larry Barthel        ([e-mail])
^ Mario R. Berelli     ([e-mail])
  Maurice Beyke        ([e-mail])
  Dana Carroll         ([e-mail])
^ John Daniel          ([e-mail])
  Sean Dean            ([e-mail])
  Barbara Haddad       ([e-mail])
  Jeremy Hallum        ([e-mail])
  Phil Hatch           ([e-mail])
  John Martin Karakash ([e-mail])
^ Steve Langton        ([e-mail])
  Braddock Nolan       ([e-mail])
  David Hikaru Norman  ([e-mail])
  Sea Wasp             ([e-mail])
  Paul (Doc) Simmons   ([e-mail])
  Espen Sjoevoll       (db52@bihno)
  The Midwesterner     ([e-mail])
  Tim Weaver           ([e-mail])
  Nathan Woodcock      ([e-mail])
^ Xandar               ([e-mail])

  Special Thanks to James Rothwell ([e-mail]) for submitting the
stories he's already collected, Reid Bluebaugh ([e-mail]) for
allowing me to reprint stories from his Complete Guide to Sex in AD&D net.book
and Joshua Bell ([e-mail]) for the ASCII pic of the book.

^ - Reprinted from AD&D Guide To Sex

Versions:

v0.1 - First draft.  Included stories found off of the 'net.
v0.2 - Received a copy of stories collected by James Rothwell.  The
       Midwesterner submits his.
v0.3 - Another story from The Midwesterner.  Began to place the newer stories
       toward the front.  Added stories from the AD&D Sex Guide.
       Extracted more stories from the 'net.  Added ASCII pic of book.
v0.4 - 4/28/93
[-----------------------------------------------------------------------------]

The Tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo (with morale)

  by Paul (Doc) Simmons ([e-mail])

    This is one of my personal if not all time favorites.  Every
time think of it I am amused yet again.  Let me know if you get a
more explicit version.  Without further ado....

        The Tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo (with morale)

This is one of my favorite stories in the genre.  It's appeared in several
FRP oriented publications, so some of you may recognize it.  Most of the
participants are known to me, personally.  They assure me it happened.
This is how Richard Aronson tells it (with his permission), slightly
edited to save bandwidth.  I give you the tale of Eric and the Dread
Gazebo:

     ...  In the early seventies, Ed Whitchurch ran "his game", and one of
     the participants was Eric Sorenson.

     Eric plays something like a computer.  When he games he methodically
     considers each possibility before choosing his preferred option.  If
     given time, he will invariably pick the optimal solution.  It has
     been known to take weeks.  He is otherwise, in all respects, a
     superior gamer.

     Eric was playing a Neutral Paladin in Ed's game.  He was on some
     lord's lands when the following exchange occurred:

     ED:  You see a well groomed garden.  In the middle, on a small hill,
          you see a gazebo.

     ERIC:  A gazebo?  What color is it?

     ED: (Pause).  It's white, Eric.

     ERIC:  How far away is it?

     ED:  About 50 yards.

     ERIC:  How big is it?

     ED: (Pause).  It's about 30 ft across, 15 ft high, with a pointed
          top.

     ERIC:  I use my sword to detect good on it.

     ED:  It's not good, Eric.  It's a gazebo.

     ERIC: (Pause).  I call out to it.

     ED:  It won't answer.  It's a _gazebo_.

     ERIC: (Pause).  I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows.  Does
            it respond in any way?

     ED:  No, Eric, it's a gazebo!

     ERIC:  I shoot it with my bow (roll to hit).  What happened?

     ED:  There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it.

     ERIC: (Pause).  Wasn't it wounded?

     ED:  OF COURSE NOT, ERIC!  IT'S A GAZEBO!

     ERIC: (Whimper) But that was a +3 arrow!

     ED:  It's a gazebo, Eric, a GAZEBO!  If you really want to try to
          destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or
          you could try to burn it, but I don't know why anybody would
          even try.  It's a @#$%!! gazebo!

     ERIC: (Long pause.  He has no axe or fire spells).  I run away.

     ED: (Thoroughly frustrated).  It's too late.  You've awakened the
      gazebo.  It catches you and eats you.

     ERIC: (Reaching for his dice).  Maybe I'll roll up a fire-using mage
            so I can avenge my Paladin.

     At this point, the increasingly amused fellow party members restored
     a modicum of order by explaining what a gazebo is.

Thus ends the tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo.  A little vocabulary is a
dangerous thing.

[------------------------------------------------------------------------------]

A story by [e-mail] (Nathan Woodcock)

[REN: Sorry for the quotes of a previous message but they are necessary to ]
[REN: understand what the story is talking about                           ]

TL>I've played AD&D for almost a year now..
TL>_and_I_have_never_found_any_key_ Just locked doors and locks...
TL>Ok..I know the thieves should have something to do..but this is not
TL>*reality*
TL>If I kill all the guys in a building, and search the corpses and every
TL>room  in the building...I don't find any keys !!!

  It made me laugh when i read this, because it is a running joke at our
  gaming sessions.  T$R NEVER EVER put keys in their modules, its like
  the locksmith made the lock then karked it before making the bloody
  keys...its ridiculous.

  Anyway I was GMing a party who had played T$R modules for years, and
  had gotten used to the fact that you dont find keys.  Well, in this
  module i had editted, lo and behold, on a monster they defeated there
  was a key, with a skull design on the end of it.  It was obviously a
  key, i told them it was.  Well, they picked the key up, popped it in a
  pocket and walked 10 feet to a door they found.  It was locked, with a
  skull shaped lock.  "hmm" they mused "how are we going to unlock
  this??" This is no joke, each character then had a go at trying to
  break down the door, the thief tried to pick the lock, and eventually
  they gave up in disgust.  I was so incredibly incredulous, I said to
  them 'for christs sake i just gave you a key, 10 feet from the door,
  with exactly the same design as the door lock and told you all
  this!!!" to which they said "oh, oh yeah!  We'll try the key..."  lo
  and behold the door unlocked.  I never let my players forget that, but
  to this day i have never included another key in any adventures i run
  with them :)

Ciao!
[e-mail]

[------------------------------------------------------------------------------]

My two favorite encounters by [e-mail] (Dana Carroll)

I was playing a first level cleric in a group of about 4-5th level, after my
5th level ranger was killed by the thief/mage in the party (a story in itself).
Anyway, my cleric and the party were investigating this tower, when a carrion
crawler attacked.  My cleric backed off from the fight, and fell through a
weak place in the floor.  Much to his surprise, he found a Troll on the level
below!  The troll was a small one, and had his face burned, so he couldn't
bite.  My cleric, the swarthy dwarf that he was, pulled out his hammer and
bravely faced death.  After five rounds, and no fudged die rolls from the DM,
my 8 hp Cleric had 1 hp and an unconcious troll.  No kidding!  All the die
rolls were made out in the open!  Luckily, the rest of the party had finished
off the C.C. and yelled at the dwarf to keep hitting the troll (he stopped
after the troll fell).  They lowered the thief down and torched the troll.
After that, I named the character "Troll-slayer".

In another group, we had just rolled up a first level party.  I started a
Half-Orc fighter/thief that has a 6 int/10 wis.  Lots of fun with this
character!  We were commissioned by the local mayor to rid his town of a
halfling thief who had stoled from him (no connection to my thief).  My
half-orc, whom I named "Hoch-to", orcish for spit, was always the first to
run into any encounter and always the first to fall.  In fact, after four
encounters, he had yet to even hit an enemy, but had been knocked
unconcious in each battle!  What luck.  When we came upon the thief's
hideout, we captured a guard and learned of a back way in through a tunnel
in the hillside.  Hoch-to was the first in line, and was his usual stupid
self.  The first door we came to, the fighter in the party listened at the
door and heard scraping sounds.  So Hoch-to bravely walks up and knocks at
the door!  Luckily, that door led to the stables.  The fighter quickly
told Hoch-to: don't knock at anymore doors.  So, the next door we came
to, Hoch-to opened bravely, much to the chagrin of the other players.
No luck this time, there was a gnoll standing on the other side.  It takes
a swipe at the hapless half-orc and misses.  Hoch-to bravely stands his
ground and swings.  A natural 20!  He rolls again and hits, indicating
double damage.  He rolls his D12, an 11!  With his strength bonus of 3,
a whopping 25 points of damage.  The gnoll promptly staggers and falls.
The first hit ever for Hoch-to, and he fells a giant.

Later that adventure, we finally meet up the the halfling thief, a 3rd
leveller named Toby.  Hoch-to and his trusty companion bravely fight on.
Of course, Toby had entered the room immediately after an encounter,
so we were down on hp's.  Hoch-to started with only 6.  As the battle
progressed, it became clear that Hoch-to would again rise to the occassion.
He single-handedly defeated Toby.  The other fighter didn't hit once, and
Toby rolled minimum damage on each of his hits!  The die rolls were again
made out in the open, with no fudging whatsoever!  Hoch-to hit every time
he swang.  Incredible!

Unfortunately, my dwarven cleric is no more.  He fell victim to some
nasty Suahagin(?)...after only making second level.  Hoch-to is still
around, being a new character.  He's still first level, and has been
knocked unconcious in nearly every encounter he's ever had with first level
creatures.  Seems he can only fight impossible odds.  Such is the life
of an orc...err, half-orc.

(I have a complete character description of Hoch-to, complete with
his history and the story of his prized possession, a rusty, nicked
long sword, that I will post in the near future.)

--Dana, loving caretaker of Hoch-to, Gnoll-smasher, Toby-bane.

[------------------------------------------------------------------------------]

One funny occurrence by [e-mail] (Larry Barthel)

     One of the clerics in my party went to an inn that also provided
companionship for the night, either preference. When he got his
bedmate, he and she had a little fun. (the encounter lasted 10 minutes
game time, heh,heh). Afterward, they did it again, and this time it
lasted 1 hr. 15 min., with him fainting at the end.  When he woke up,
he found himself in a cell, and the woman nowhere to be seen.
     It turns out that a woman named the White Lich had been taking out
potential enemies throughout the kingdom (she is a LICH). It also
turned out that it wasn't "white" lich, but "wight" lich.
     Imagine my player's face when he realized he had screwed a wight
lich!!!

                                                  --- Larry

[-----------------------------------------------------------------------------]

Learning about true love by [e-mail] (John Daniel)

     Mowahpehnoksie (Mo), Plainsman warrior (my character) was on a
quest (solo) for a lost plainsman treasure.  The first part of the
quest was the creation of a sacred bundle, the tribal shaman told Mo
that he had to acquire a lock of hair from his one true love as an
ingredient in the sacred bundle. As it turned out Mo had a "one true
love" in the person of Vasquez, an elven privateer/warrior of
extraordinary beauty and sword skill. Mo had been chasing Vasquez for a
long time, all to no avail. She kept telling him that she would marry
him when he could beat her in a duel. No one had ever beaten her in a
duel. Anyhow, Mo sets off for the city where Vasquez was docked. First
he checks at the Bloody Blade, a tavern partially owned by Vasquez, the
bartender says she is down on the docks talking to her crew (of
cutthroats). Mo goes to the docks, the first mate says that she just
left and said she would be back in a few days. A disappointed Mo goes
back to the tavern to leave a message, but the bartender tells him that
Vasquez just came in and went up to her rooms. Mo goes up there and
gets invited in. Vasquez is wearing a robe, and has a full bath of
water drawn, she dumps Mo into the water, one thing leads to another...
     When Mo wakes up, Vasquez is standing by the window, she turns
says "Tyche sends her regards" changes into her true form, a succubus
and teleports away. Tyche was an old enemy of the adventurers that had
heard about Mo's quest, and wanted to set him up. Mo eventually found
Vasquez at her father's castle where he had to explain what had
happened, and see if she would still give him her hair (she did, taking
pity on the fool). To make a long story short, Mo passed through many
more trials, and succeeded in the quest. The succubus in the scenario
had been careful to control her draining abilities while with Mo,
because the real reason for all the subterfuge was delivered to Mo
roughly nine months later, a bouncing baby alu-demon. What is the moral
of this story? Don't have pre-marital sex? No, then what? Shapechanging
creatures can make for very interesting bed partners.
     NOTE: Mo and Vasquez were eventually married, and are raising
their alu-demon daughter as best they can. Vasquez has more or less
forgiven Mo for the whole thing, and even helped rescue the kid when
she was kidnapped. They are in semi retirement until Soah is old enough
to take care of herself. They are very happy to have weaned her off of
eating raw meat.

                                                  --- John Daniel

[-----------------------------------------------------------------------------]

Prostitutes are nasty by [e-mail] (Steve Langton)

     Our group of four entered a real sleazy town, it was basically a
pirates' cove town where pirates, thugs, and assorted baddies resided
when they weren't attacking, raping, and pillaging the neighborhood.
The group of us (myself a monk, a fighter, cleric, and mage) were
searching for the whereabouts of a lady kidnapped from a prominent
merchant from our hometown whom we owed favors too for past help. The
trail at this point led to this town where he (the supposed ring
leader of the kidnappers) had been known to frequent. Of course, none
of the "regulars" there wanted anything to do with a bunch of strangers
coming in and we were getting nowhere. Of course, my character wanted
nothing to do with this place and considered the whole area to be
respite with creeps. Our fighter though was a big burlesque guy and
found the prostitution there to be a wonderful, wonderful place. Our
cleric (who being female had a rough time with the people of the area)
basically stuck by my side and the two of us spent more time searching
for the damn fighter than getting information on the kidnapping. Of
course, he struck it rich with a talkative hooker and found that the
person we were looking for was holdup in the harbor on a boat.
     Eventually we snuck down there, boarded and captured the criminal,
rescued the lady, then had to battle our way back out. Altogether, we
were hounded by:
     a) the criminal's pals
     b) some other rouges who were smitten by our lovely cleric and
        wanted her for their own
     c) two separate prostitutes who say they are carrying our fighters
        child (They can't both be, can they? It must be a scam, at
        least HE says so...)
     d) the "ladies'" pals and family who both insist on marriage or
        financial reimbursements for what he did to these poor ladies


     Well, we made it out fine. Returned to our hometown where we're
sort of hero's now, but in danger whenever we leave. Ahhh... what a
life adventurers leave.
     THE MORALE: Don't let a fighter run rampant in a sleazy town
filled with lots of lovely prostitutes.

                                                  --- Toa the monk

[-----------------------------------------------------------------------------]

A cleric's penance by [e-mail] (Mario R. Borelli)

     Although our group engaged in sexual encounters (old favorites
like the innkeeper's daughter, the farmer's wife, etc.), it usually
had severe consequences. After the treatment of one character, a
cleric, the group stayed clear of these opportunities.
     This character, a cleric, was seduced by a bar wench during one of
our stops. Although the sex was supposedly great, soon after the cleric
began to notice a tingling sensation in his groin. Sure enough, his
deity had struck him with a venereal disease, and no spell could take
it off! The condition became more debilitating until finally, after
intense prayer, his god forgave him as long as a certain penance was
followed. This involved the usual series of prayers, and one extra
condition: on the ground there magically appeared a bag of holding
(usable only for the purpose it was intended), and inside was a large
supply of BURLAP UNDERWEAR! There was enough for the cleric to change
three times daily, which, of course, he was required to do! We all
steered clear of barmaids after that!

                                                  --- Mario R. Borelli

[-----------------------------------------------------------------------------]

A Barbarian's Boo-Boo by [e-mail] (Xandar)

     Our adventuring group was exploring a keep of some type looking
for the main baddie who was female. When we found her bedroom, she
wasn't there. Of course, we began looking through it when one of the
male barbarian PC's (played by a female) accidently spilled some
perfume on himself which had strange properties. The Barbarian and the
elven female mage (played by a male) had a certain sudden
uncontrollable urge to make use of the nearby bed (that lasted for
about 2 hours game time not real time). By this time everyone was
laughing hysterically because their characters were standing outside
the open door and were watching the entertainment. Now after everyone
stopped laughing (and who wouldn't
with a low level barbarian and a mid-level mage going at it) the DM had
asked questions and rolled his dice and wouldn't ya just know that the
mage got pregnant (snicker).
     What made the whole thing so interesting was mainly the fact that
the characters are both opposite gender from their players (and the
mage doesn't really know she's pregnant yet).
     The DM used The Complete Guide to AD&D Sex to make the whole tower
and adventure. The DM kept flippin' through and referring to the guide.

                                                  --- Xandar

[------------------------------------------------------------------------------]

A story by [e-mail] (Dave Palmer)

    A few years back, I was running a Star Trek: The Role-Playing
Game adventure.  The players had just beamed down to a neutral world
which was claimed by both the Federation and the Klingons.  The
natives, of course, wanted no part in either empire.
    The first officer, who is usually a rather bright person,
walked into a planetside bar.  There were a number of Klingons in the
bar, at least twenty, all wearing marine uniforms and carrying
disruptor rifles.  The player quickly reached the conclusion that
this was an invasion force, and opened fire.  Twenty Klingon
disruptors instantly responded, reducing the character to little more
than ash.
    The single phaser blast the character had managed to fire
before his death missed the Klingon he was aiming for and hit the
bartender, a native.  The rest of the party now was up against both
the Klingons and the natives.  They had a lot of negotiating to do.

    That campaign started aboard a larger, Enterprise-class ship,
but as time went on and players dropped out I moved it to a
borderspace scout.  The players, however, had a habit of forgetting
this at the most inconvenient times.  When the science officer picked
up a squadron of Klingon battlecruisers nearing the neutral zone, the
captain sent a them a threatening message.  He couldn't understand why
the Klingon commander was laughing.

    I might as well confess that as a dungeonmaster I can get kind
of depraved at times.  In one of my dungeons there was a very vicious
trap.  While exploring a room, the fighter fell into a funnel shaped
pit.  The pit wasn't deep enough for him to take damage, but because
of the shape, he was stuck.  No problem; the rest of the players came
over to pull him out.  As they did, a trap door opened in the ceiling
and a hail of dry leaves rained down, covering the fighter.  The
adventurers just figured it was some trap set centuries ago that
didn't work anymore.  Just as they were about to get the fighter out
of the pit, a lit match fell out of the trap door, igniting the
leaves.  The room quickly became a hellish inferno.  In the panic, two
of the characters ran out of the room, leaving only one to retrieve
the trapped fighter.  The rescuing dwarf caught fire but continued
to attempt to free the suffocating fighter.  The two just barely
managed to escape from the room with their lives and, flaming, rushed
down the hall to join up with their fellow adventurers.  Their
friends, meanwhile, had accidentally set off a flood in the room down
the hall and were struggling to keep from drowning in the icy water.
The fighter and the dwarf's flames were immediately extinguished by
the water, but they now faced unconciousness from exhaustion.  The
fighter managed to barely stay concious, but his dwarf friend was not
so lucky.  The rest of the party held the dwarf as they searched for
an escape route.  Finally they found a hole in the ceiling, which they
crawled through, dragging the dwarf behind them.  They reached an
empty stone room, where they rested for quite some time.
    Almost immediately after getting back on their feet, they ran
into a group of twenty skeletons and zombies, who were less than happy
to see them.
    How they managed to come out of that dungeon alive, I still
don't know.  I remember the look on one player's face after the last
encounter, which left half of the party dead.  "There better as hell
be treasure," he said.

    --The Midwesterner

[------------------------------------------------------------------------------]

Funny PC/GM stories by [e-mail] (Espen Sjoevoll)

 One of the most fasinating stories I've heard is the time when our group
(Role master) were cralvling up a mountain side in the winter. Then suddenly we
came over this vally. And what did we see ?? There was a pile of smoke comming
up from the ground over there .... Of course we knew at once that "here there
lives orcs" (Not AD'n'D orcs that is, the more clever sort of orcs..)
 My kender ran at once over to the hole and sfuffed snow into it, and got
confirmed that there were orcs down there. That was when or bored burly
character found out that he wanted to kill these things....
  So he started digging up the hole whith his shield. After some thirty minutes
of digging the hole was big enough for him to jump through, and sop he did.
The only pity was that he never looked into the hole, it was 18-20 feet down
 and circeling around the fireplace was some 25 orcs armed with crossbows.
 Guess if he died !!!!.... And guess if he have had some sarcastic comments on
this "incident" afterwards ???

[------------------------------------------------------------------------------]

Evil GM Tales? by [e-mail] (Sean Dean)

Here's one for all of you GMs out there.

Do you have any interesting stories to recollect for us in which you were
just out to get your players at every possible opportunity?  If you do
please share them with the group.

Mine:
Simply I had one player's character beat up like 3 or 4 times during one
session.  He was never killed just beaten to a pulp repeatedly.  I'm not
sure why I did it...I guess they weren't going in the direction I wanted...I
don't usually do that...I was just in a wierd/evil mood that night.

[------------------------------------------------------------------------------]

story about a wild surge by [e-mail]

        Oh no!  Here I post this question about wild magi, and I find that it's
been answered farther on down the line. *sigh*  Oh well.  Please disregard
previous question, then.
        How ever, since I feel morally obligated to redeem my error, here is a
little wild mage adventure for ya all.




        In my younger days, I was a sadistic DM.  VERY sadistic.  My freshman
year of college, I joined our local Role Playing Club, and ran an adventure in
Dark Sun world. It was to be a stand alone adventure, and I wanted it to have
something VERY deadly in it to relate it to the world it was set in.
        So I set a group of 8 9th-14th level adventurers vs a war band of about
40 Predators.  Talk about unfair.  The predators had about 15-16 HD, and ALL
of their combined weaponry from any movie you could think of.  These said
Predators proceeded to take out the village that the PC's were camped out in.
A village of about 150 dwarves, and with 100 elves camped outside.  To put it
mildly, the Predators cleaned house.  Of course, I never let the PC's get them
organized or anything, but they all did escape(the PC's).  With about 35 elves
and 50 dwarves.  Something like that.  The group(A male mul Glad 10, a male Tk
Dr 14, a human male Wmage 13, a templar-in-disguise 13, an elf Ra/Ma/Psi 8/9/8,
and an elven F12) fled to a local oasis to hide for the night.  WRONG.  So they
settle in for a long siege, and during high sun the next day, the remaining 35
predators attacked under invisibliity.  The Mage, in a panic casts burning
hands on one, and surges, rolling a HUGE wall of stone.  about 180 feet in
diameter.  Well, the Preds were inside that radius already, so he decided he'd
better cast a fireball on the group inside the wall.  Whoops. 9 WIS.  But
unfortunately, that spell also surged, and BOOM! It rolled HUGE, just like the
last one.  A fireball with a 180 foot radius.  Oops.  All of the troops died.
And the wild mage, and the templar and the mul.  But over 50% of the Pred still
lived, and wiped out the group.   Oh well, no big loss.  But THEY weren't
happy.

                                                        -jeremy

[------------------------------------------------------------------------------]

How I Defeated A Rules Lawyer by [e-mail] (David Hikaru    Norman)

Don't you hate players that know the rules inside out? One such guy was making
my life living hell because I wasn't familiar with 2nd ed, and I was forced to
backtrack and negate the actions of his enemies over and over.

Naturally, things rapidly became more difficult for him and his character was
eventually killed. It was not human, and I've always played that they can only
be reincarnated, not resurrected.

But he knew the rules, and read out the resurrection spell to me...

"Any living being can be resurrected using this spell..."

My reply, of course, was "Hang on a minute, you're not a living being, are you?
You're dead!"

Thus died a rules lawyer, by his own weapon.

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Re: 101 Uses for Polymorph Other by [e-mail]

In one of our campaigns of years ago, we had a character with a wand
of polymorphing.  His favorite thing to do was to point it at people
and yell, "TROUT!"  Ta-dah...end of enemy as they suffocate on the
ground....


My own personal favorite, however, was when I was running an Al-Qadim
adventure.  I had a djinn bottle that I wanted to protect, and so I
gave it a guardian....an elephant that was polymorped into a small
song bird....it was trained to attack anyone who touched the bottle.
Yeah verily the party was VERY unhappy as they were being annhialated
by a parakeet.  They managed to kill it (after a veeeery long
combat!), at which point it polymorphed back into an elephant and
crushed half the party.

:)

*sigh*  I love being an evil GM.

LM

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Re: 101 Uses for Polymorph Other by [e-mail] (Braddock Nolan)

The mage in out campagnecollect the creatures we fight if at all
possible.  He uses polymoph other and turns them into a 6" version of
the creature.  It retains it's mentality of the same animal.  He
stores them in magically sealed and created cages.  He also worked a
frew years on a permanent dispel magic field 9" radius cast on the
creatures.  so any innate magical abbilities or any other magical
stuff gets dispelled when it pases through the field.  He has a pretty
good collection:

 Troll
 Ogre
 A tuigan from the orient
 a nasty mage that tried to kill him (His prized posession)
 and a manticore.

I think he has more but, I' not sure.

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A story by [e-mail] (Dave Palmer)

    My gnome thief was fifth level and had absolutely nothing to
show for it except for a few scars.  His weapons were the same old,
beat up ones he had used his entire career and hadn't been polished in
years.  His leather armor smelled of sweat and blood from years of
adventuring.  In all his journeys, he had never gained a single magic
item.  Except for the medallion.  He proudly wore his medallion of
esp.  It was a badge of honor.
    While chasing a monster through the countryside, the party
lost its trail in a pasture filled with sheep.  After thinking for a
while, I decided to use the medallion on the sheep to see if they knew
anything about the monster's location.  Not only did that use up the
medallion's last charge, it also filled the thief's mind with simple
sheep thoughts like, "Eat grass." He acted kind of strange for the
next few hours.
    Needless to say, that gnome never messed with magic again.
His scars were enough of a badge of honor, he decided.

    --The Midwesterner

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A story by [e-mail] (Tim Weaver)

I have two stories that get passed around my group.  The first is in
Rune Quest.  A couple of characters had been playing around in their
spare time and the GM, going for the realistic approach, rolled the
dice and determined that the female character had become pregnant.
After some time, (game months), the party had been going through some
rough action (I don't know if they fell of a cliff or what), but once
again, the GM rolled the dice and decided that the trauma had started
a miscarriage (My personal belief is that this sort of thing shouldn't
happen in a gaming world).  So as the rest of the party is looking on
in disbelief, the Shalana Arroy (pardon the spelling, I don't play RQ
too much) rolled for divine intervention.  The player (a close personal
friend of mine) looked at the GM and said "You better look at this roll."
The GM said "Just tell me what you rolled.".  My friend, said "No, you'd
better come look."  The GM came around and looked at the dice and
pronounces: "Your diety arrives in person, lays a hand on the woman's
belly, mother and child are doing fine."  My friend had rolled two 10 sided
dice (not double marked 20 sided).  10 sided dice have two points where
5 of the sides meet.  My friends dice had a small flat spot at this point.
What had happened, is that both dice had stood up on end on this tiny flat
spot!

----

The second story I've forgotten the game world, but I think it was Justice
Inc.  The character in question was climbing the Swiss Alps and for some
reason was absolutely paranoid about meeting a Snow Leopard.  So he insisted
on carrying his 357 magnum in his teeth as he climbed.  Well, the GM, being
an obliging sort of chap figured if he wants a Snow Leopard, I'll give him
a Snow Leopard.  So when our hero get's to a certain shelf on the side of
this mountain, he finds himself face to face with (you guessed it) a Snow
Leopard.  Immediately he grabs the gun from his teeth only to discover that
when you kiss a gun for over 30 minutes in sub-zero weather, it tends to
freeze to your mouth.  Not deterred in the least, our hero tilts his head
pointing the gun at the Snow Leopard and pulls the trigger, thus ripping
his lips off.

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A story by [e-mail] (Barbara Haddad)

      Here's one of my fave dumb PC stories.  It's COC (Call of Cthulhu)
and the characters are investigating a tomb.  One guy has insisted on
carrying 200 (2 0 0) feet of hemp rope.  He's told this weighs about 50
lbs, that it's bulky & so forth.  He doesn't care.  He WRAPS the rope
around himself .... and the other player start calling him 'the spool'
('cause he looks like a giant spool of thread).  They laugh.  It helps
distract them from the nasty things they expect that they'll find.
      A while later (after the guy with the rope has actually had the
opportunity to use it successfully once), the adventurers set off a trap.
 They all fall into a shallow pit filled with oil ... and scramble out.
"The Spool" can feel that the hemp rope is now about twice as heavy as it
had been [it sucked in the oil]......but he doesn't get rid of it.
      Then a tomb-flunky (there was a still-actively manned temple below)
sets the oil-covered floor on fire and the adventurers run back for a
pool of water they'd found earlier.  Almost everyone makes the required
roll to get there  & not get singed.  However, one guy doesn't:  yep,
"The Spool", fails his roll, takes enough damage to kill himself [he was
already hurt] and lays there merrily burning for over an hour.
      Then the players called him "The Wick" ('cause he did look like a
super-sized candle).  The best bit was, that the player thought it was
just as funny (having lost a character) as did the others.

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A story by [e-mail] (Phill Hatch (CONTRACTOR Documentation))

This player is actually a good role player, but one night
he just wasn't firing on all nuerons.

It was a large battle arrayed on the table.  Lots of debris,
trees, enemy and a scattered party.  Because different
characters had different vantages on the scene, I, as the GM,
was passing out notes describing what individuals saw.  This
player's character had figured out which enemy figure represented
the leader because of some things the character had seen.  He
wanted to explain this to the party members within earshot.

Now since he was talking to me, the GM, the rest of the party
was talking amongst themselves, preparing notes or what not.
I told the player, "Without pointing, tell the others which
person the leader is."

"That guy right there," he says, pointing down at the figures
from above.

No-one else caught it so I said again, "Without pointing, tell
the party who he is."

"HIM, right there!" pointing again.  Still noone noticed.

Kind of giggling, "No, WITHOUT POINTING.  Which person is the
leadder.  My louder "Without Pointing" got the rest of the
players' attention.

With a raised voice and a punctuating arm bob and pointing:

"That little fucker right there!!"  which brought on hysterics
in the other players and GM.

He swears he wasn't aware he didn't hear that part about pointing.
To this day, when this player happened to have missed something
the rest of the party heard, someone has to say, "That effing
[whatever] right there.

I guess it's not exactly in character, but it was awfully funny.

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A story by [e-mail] (JOHN MARTIN KARAKASH)

    Another one from Call of Cthulhu...

    A horrible monster was summoned by some cultists and were about
to attack the PC's.  Well one of the players had found and learned a
spell from a half of a book we had (we were lucky to get that much
actually, the room it was in was pretty torn up) and decided to summon
a shuggoth (or dimensional shambler or something really big and really
mean, I forget which).  So he rolls the dice and the GM tells him how
this horrific creature appears.  Then the GM looks at him mildly and
asks, "Now cast the control spell."  The player looked blank for a
second, "Control spell?"

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A story by [e-mail] (Maurice Beyke)

  He he.  Reminds me of a Champions game I was running, back early in my
  GMing career, that had gotten too large, around 11 players.  One session
  one PC was one punched by another PC, and the player threatened to fire
  bomb the other's car if it happened again.  As the player so threatened
  usually went just about everywhere with a pistol in an ankle holster, I
  very loudly and firmly said to him "Fred, if you're about to shoot Randall,
  take him outside first!  I don't want bloodstains on the carpet!"

  It defused the situation, Randall never threatened another player's
  vehicle, and they have since become good friends.  I was concerned for a
  few seconds though.

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A story by [e-mail] (Sea Wasp)

    My  story...

    This is the death of a character in my  campaign. Background: the
party  has been travelling for quite some time together and have become quite
powerful. Some of the members have acquired strange, difficult to control
powers, and mysterious enemies have been attacking out of nowhere.

    THE CHARACTER: Krog-Da-CHA, a Korellian (think "Klingon", as
in Worf) Justiciar (A paladin-type), Keeper of the Law of Korell, warrior
and arbiter of Justice.

    Scene 1: Party just settled in for the night. Suddenly, Tobimar
Silverun (party  leader) senses EVIL!EVERYWHERE!
    Animated suits of  green samurai-like armor just seem to materialize
from nowhere and the party is under attack. The party's doing fairly well,
but taking a nasty beating. Krog, extending certain  psi senses, notes that
there seems to be a concentration of power some distance off, as though of
a controlling force  for these mindless demonic suits of armor.
    Accordingly he charges off, intending to cut this off at the
source. The characters all share a mental bond, so the others know what
Krog intends... and having seen the mighty Korellian in action, they feel
fairly confident that even if he's outmatched he'll live long enough to
either retreat or call for help.
    Krog arrives in a clearing... only to  see, instead of a proper
adversary, just a floating image of an empty Samurai helmet, with  huge
flaring horns and glowing red points of light in the eye sockets. The
helmet speaks, mocking him and telling him his friends are doomed. Krog
demands to know who or what the thing is, but it simply laughs and refuses.
Three times Krog demands; after the  third refusal, he  uses his strongest
psi power:
        IDENTITY PENETRATION.
    He critically succeeds, smashing past the being's mental shields,
and is suddenly locked in spiritual/psychic combat with something  beyond
his understanding. Throwing his entire will into the battle, he pulls away,
feeling a tearing that seems to shatter his very soul.
    The full  exertion of all the healing powers of the party barely manage
to pull  him back from death. Then he tells them what he learned; the creature
is a Demon Lord who has three faces: one is named Arago, and he is the sworn
enemy of Tobimar and his allies; the second is Ares, god of War, enemy  of
Athena and her Saints; and the third is the final secret,  one that Krog
couldn't get before he  blacked out.

    Scene 2.
    A few days later, the party has reached a special place, a holy
training  ground for the powers they have been trying to understand. In
that time, Krog has felt somehow empty. Finally, he realizes that it's
because he SHOULD NOT HAVE COME BACK -- he should have stayed on the plane
of the dead to fight Arago, since Arago can't be  touched on the material
plane.(This was the PLAYER's decision and description,  not my  telling him
what to feel...)

    So  the player  then came to me and told me that Krog was going to
go after Arago... by sending his soul  to the next world.

    For this, the player  designed a tremendously complex ritual,
based on all the Korellian values and virtues... a burning fire, meditations,
chants... Ten times Ten generations of Justiciars, each ten named in a
specific order with a specific item. Then each  of the  Books  of Law opened,
its principles laid down. Meditation. Then a declaration of each purpose
of a Justiciar: the Principles of Admistration of Justice.
    Then  the  direct purpose of THIS ritual is declared, the soul
prepared for its journey. The Rite  of  the Dead incorporated into the
Ritual. Halfway through this section, the skull-crest is cut open, to allow
an exit for the soul,and  any personal items, presents, or  honorifices are
inserted into the flesh to help guide  the spirit to its target.
    Then, in the final moments (as dawn approaches -- the ritual lasts
a FULL DAY, from dawn to dawn), the precise opponent is now called on to
gird itself for battle and to bow before  the swift and mighty Justiciars
of one hundred generations.
    Then, as the first rays of the  Sun break the horizon and strike
the face of the Ritual-maker, he frees his soul by shouting his name
(all Justiciar  names end in CHA, which means Law in Korellian) and with
the pronunciation of CHA the ritual Blood-Knife is plunged into the
heart. The body,knife, and all fall directly into the ritual fire to be
cremated, sending the body after the flying soul.

    The player performed (a compressed) form  of the ritual actually
in-game and spellbound the entire party. All of the PCs and many of
the  NPCs gathered, forming a honor guard, and each one sensed the final
moment coming. Through the link  and their  actions, they focused
themselves INTO Krog-Da-Cha, and in the very moment of his release
each of them added their own symbolic contribution.

    To be honest, as GM I was simply awed.

    Then I rolled for result (I'd already decided it would be
spectacular, I just  wanted  to know HOW spectacular): I  got a sequence
of 6 eights (88  on percentiles, and since triples are important in  my
world, every time you get a double number you roll another die to see if
you continue the  streak. I got  4 more 8s... guess my dice were awed
too.).

    Krog's ritual had ACTUALLY summoned  the spirits of the
hundred generations of Justiciars. For a few moments, his spirit WAS JUSTICE.
Invested now with Primal Power from history itself, his spirit thundered
into Arago's dimension, smashing aside all defenses, and in the form
of a Korellian warrior of old confronted the Demon Lord himself. Though
he could not destroy Arago, the Demon's strength was reduced to a fraction
of what it had  been... and a legend had been born.

    Thus was the death of Krog-Da-CHA.



                                 Sea Wasp
                                   /^\
                                   ;;;

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