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C/C++ Source or Header  |  2003-06-29  |  4KB  |  127 lines
  1. Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):
  2.      
  3. #include <nonsense.h>
  4. #include <lies.h>
  5. #include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */ 
  6. #include <process.h> /* For the court of law */
  7.      
  8. #define say(x) lie(x)
  9. #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE 
  10. #define next_year soon
  11. #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   another_beta_version
  12.      
  13. void main()
  14. {
  15.   if (latest_window_version>one_month_old) 
  16.   {
  17.     if (there_are_still_bugs)
  18.       market(bugfix);
  19.     if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
  20.       raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
  21.   }
  22.   while(everyone_chats_about_new_version) 
  23.   {
  24.     make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
  25.                                                     lie.h */
  26.     if (rumours_grow_wilder)
  27.       make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
  28.     if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
  29.     {
  30.       market_time=3Dripe;
  31.       say("It will be ready in one month); 
  32.       order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
  33.       order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version); 
  34.       order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense); 
  35.       vapourware=3DTRUE;
  36.       break;
  37.      }
  38.   }
  39.   switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress) 
  40.   {
  41.      case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
  42.        say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing"); 
  43.        break;
  44.      case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
  45.        say("Yes it will work");
  46.        ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work); 
  47.        pretend(there_is_no_problem);
  48.        break;
  49.      case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
  50.        say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
  51.            " the 32 bits architecture");
  52.        inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh"); 
  53.        inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
  54.               "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
  55.        inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple"); 
  56.        get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
  57.        break;
  58.      case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
  59.        say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
  60.             everyone");
  61.        register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book); 
  62.        when(time_is_ripe)
  63.        {
  64.          arrest(journalist);
  65.          brainwash(journalist);
  66.          when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree) 
  67.          {
  68.            order(journalist, "write a nice objective article"); 
  69.            release (journalist);
  70.          }
  71.        }
  72.        break;
  73.    }
  74.    while (vapourware)
  75.    {
  76.      introduction_date++; /* Delay */
  77.      if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
  78.        break;
  79.      say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
  80.   }
  81.   release(beta_version)
  82.   while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware) 
  83.   {
  84.     bills_bank_account +=3D 150*megabucks; 
  85.     release(new_and_even_better_beta_version); 
  86.     introduce(more_memory_requirements);
  87.     if (customers_report_installation_problems) 
  88.     {
  89.       say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem"); 
  90.       if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
  91.       {
  92.         ignore(customer);
  93.         order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
  94.                                               guy");
  95.       }
  96.     }
  97.     if (there_is_another_company)
  98.     {
  99.       steal(their_ideas);
  100.       accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas); 
  101.       hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */ 
  102.       wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit); 
  103.       buy_out(other_company);
  104.     }
  105.   }
  106.   /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us
  107. */
  108.   order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_guy); 
  109.   buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem); 
  110.   laugh_at(everyone,
  111. for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);  
  112. }
  113.      
  114.      
  115. void bugfix(void)
  116. {
  117.   charge (a_lot_of_money)
  118.   if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
  119.     say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
  120.   if (still_complaints)
  121.   {
  122.     ignore(customer);
  123.     register(customer, big_Bill_book);
  124.     /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
  125.   }
  126. }
  127.