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UREAL02.OLD
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1993-09-07
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*
* ARCHIVE: UREAL02.NEW (Unreal Articles)
*
* DATE: 09/07/93
*
* EDITOR(S):
*
* Editor 1 : Paul J. Clegg (cleggp@aix.rpi.edu)
* Editor 2 : Steve Baker (swbaker@vela.acs.oakland.edu)
*
* NUMBER OF ARTICLES: 2
*
*
*
* 2U23 -- Antigravity, the Feline Butterology Theory
* 2U24 -- Legendary Tree People of Brent, The (TM)
*
*
%t Antigravity, the Feline Butterology Theory
%n 2U23
%a Captured from the Usenet Oracle
*
* Article text submitted by
* Alexander Lachlan McLintock (alexmc@cray-communications.co.uk)
*
%d 19930625
%i Feline Aerodynamics
%i Butterology Physics
%e
This question was posed to the Usenet Oracle:
If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor
butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high
and towering place, it will land on its feet.
But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to
a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land
on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?
And in response, thus spoke the Oracle:
Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be
able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand
that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of
feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back.
If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to
resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.
That's right, you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get),
you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will,
when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of
cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This
equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter,
providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.
Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this
principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The
loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring
of several hundred tabbies.
The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the
bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats
will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good,
since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of
red-hot starship and pissed-off aliens crash on top of them.
%e
*EOA*
%t Legendary Tree People of Brent, The (TM)
%n 2U24
%s Brent, And Its Indigenous Life
%a Alexander Lachlan McLintock (alexmc@cray-communications.co.uk)
%d 19930607
%e
There is some debate as to whether there is any indigenous animal life on
the planet Brent. Almost the entire biomass is made up of vegetable
species. The most important of these is Legendary Tree People of Brent
(TM). This race of super-intelligent trees learnt to speak some 2.5
million standard years ago. It is alleged that the first sentence ever
spoken by a Brent was "Where am I?". This took some two centuries from
the "W" to the "?". Unfortunately no one had yet had a chance to learn the
language and the first articulate Brent died from nervous insecurity.
However, progress was rapid and it is now possible to hold a conversation
with a Brent if accompanied by a Translator. Translators are members of a
local type of ambulatory fern which are commonly employed for their
linguistic expertise. It was they who introduced the tourist industry to
the planet of Brent. Their advertising agency, Snaatchi and Snaatchi,
thought up the phrase "Legendary Tree People of Brent" (TM) and
trademarked it in twelve major star systems.
The Legendary Tree People of Brent (TM) have a religion based on the
all-powerful warrior god (or "dei-tree") called "Green-the-Big-Skwiril-Home".
Brent religious texts tell of the tale of Green-the-Big-Skwiril-Home's fight
against the "small-quick-things-which-went-buzzzz-and-cut-the-tree-people-
down". The tales ended with Green-the-Big-Skwiril-Home being beaten and
killed: a common occurrence among omnipotent beings. He was later used for
making tables, chairs, and other house furniture.
Contraband items on the planet of Brent include: wooden spoons, wooden
matches, paper books, and McDog's polystyrene burger cartons (famous the
galaxy over for their polystyrene food).
It is customary to offer manure as a present to Legendary Tree People of
Brent (TM).
It is not socially acceptable to call mating Brents "lover-trees" and then
use toilet humour.
One of the major exports of Brent is the Legendary Tree People of Brent
(TM) themselves. They are uprooted and replanted to guard military
installations. They hold the rank of "sen-tree".
There is a sect of dendricidal psychopathic Brents who follow the way of
"carpen-tree".
Although the Legendary Tree People of Brent (TM) are extremely wise, their
conversation is somewhat limited by their area of influence. For that
reason it is not recommended to ask a Brent where the best local dance
club is.
%e
*EOA*
*
* End of file: UREAL02.NEW
*