Computer Buyer 1997 January/dpcb197.iso/business/a1share/41411.ZIP/UREAL01.OLD

Text File | 1993-09-07 | 81KB | 1,644 lines

*
* ARCHIVE: UREAL01.NEW (Unreal Articles)
*
* DATE: 09/07/93
*
* EDITOR(S):
*
*        Editor   1 : Paul J. Clegg  ([e-mail])
*        Editor   2 : Steve Baker  ([e-mail])
*
* NUMBER OF ARTICLES: 25
*


*
*
*   1U1    -- Origins of the Guide
*   1U2    -- Art
*   1U3    -- Problems with Spelling and Interbeing relations, the
*   1U4    -- Dealing With The Lack Of Time
*   2U1    -- Thirty-seven Ways to Deep Sea Fish with Four Feet...
*   2U2    -- Galactic Postal Service
*   2U3    -- Radio
*   2U4    -- Thirsty
*   2U5    -- Absolute Zero
*   2U6    -- Justice Lipo Ligantis
*   2U7    -- Easy ways to save money
*   2U8    -- Important Tips for Youngsters
*   2U10   -- Walking through mountains
*   2U11   -- Recreational Impossibilities
*   2U12   -- Milliways Principle
*   2U13   -- i
*   2U14   -- Shadowlight
*   2U15   -- Prophet Margin, The
*   2U16   -- Computerats
*   2U17   -- Hailing a Taxi on Mars
*   2U18   -- Soushe Awwl Atissu!
*   2U19   -- Cheese
*   2U20   -- C Language and Unix System are Jokes
*   2U21   -- Compression Sort Transform
*   2U22   -- Poke and Hope Programming
*
*


%t Origins of the Guide
%n 1U1
%s The Plithkud People Of Albidris IV Claim Credit
%a Mark Anthony Young  ([e-mail])
%d 19920124
%i Guide Origins
%e
The idea of collecting Guide entries is not as funny as many modern people
believe.  The idea is clearly very old.  Some people say that the origin of
the idea is lost in the mists of time, but the Plithkud people of Albidris
IV claim credit for it in the name of their founding father of philosophy,
Sendri Cholkuth Bork Bork Bork (name shortened for presentational purposes).

The Shimil people of Albidris IV are not surprised at this claim, but they do
not credit it.  "Those Plithkuds are a bunch of idea-thieving, good for
nothing morons.  They haven't had an original thought in aeons, and that old
charlatan blowhard piece of dried-up turd was the worst of the lot.  He's an
embarrassment to the whole planet, not to mention the Plithkuds, which we
hardly ever do."

Still, perseverance in the face of criticism is a Plithkud ideal ("They need
it," say the Shimils).  Researchers from the Imperial University at Gondanala
say that the Plithkuds are the second most perseverant people in the galaxy
(they talk like that -- they're academics).  The most perseverant, they go on
to say (as we know they would -- academics love to talk), are the Jogoth
people of Aniander III.  The Jogoths have the most highly advanced
bureaucracy ever devised by any sentient species.  In order to eat breakfast
the normal Jogoth has to fill out seventeen forms in triplicate, indicating
what they intend to eat, how they intend to prepare it, who will be eating
with them (the other people also have to fill out seventeen forms, and the
bureaucrats will not stint in their efforts to check the forms against each
other), what the seating arrangement will be at the table (an extra form
required if the meal is to be served at the counter, and another if it is to
be eaten standing up), what steps have been taken to ensure that no one
present has had this same dish for breakfast in the past ten days, and a
dozen other forms besides.  Rather than being daunted for this, the average
Jogoth affirms that "it's nice to have some light paperwork to get you
started in the morning."

The Plithkuds are not bothered by the accusations of their neighbors.  "Those
Shimils are just a bunch of liars," they say.  "And jealous, too," they add,
"because _their_ philosophers didn't think up as many things as _our_
philosophers."  "Get real," say the Shamils.  "Thhhhphphpht," say the
Plithkuds.
%e
*EOA*


%t Art
%n 1U2
%s Art.  What is it?
%a J. David Dickens  ([e-mail])
%d 19921014
%i Expression
%i Painting
%i Sculpture
%x Earth
%x Article Writing Guide For Field Researchers And Guide Editors
%e
One of the foremost debates of all time between creatures of any
reasonable sentience has been:  "What is Art?"  Some, like the Algrabaxian
QuadraFrogs state that art is any substance that is pleasing to the
pineal gland of another QuadraFrog.  This answer is not generally
accepted in the charted regions of the Galaxy for the sole reason that
the QuadraFrogs are amazing liars, and nobody really thinks the
QuadraFrogs have pineal glands anyway.  Hence, the debate rages on and
on, sparking the occasional heated party conversation here and the
frequent interstellar war there.

So, the hitchhiker should obviously know something of art and its merits
before departing on any grand adventure across the galaxy.  Fortunately
for the hitchhiker, the concepts involved are so annoyingly tedious that
even the most well-respected authority on art does not fully comprehend
them all.  This gives the hitchhiker a very wide margin for error when
discussing it.

First, you must realize that art is expensive.  So expensive, in fact,
that the average hitchhiker will never actually purchase any from a
respected gallery.  This is a good thing, because this means that only 4
out of every 10,000,000,000 people you might meet on any given world
actually own anything that could pass itself off as a masterpiece.  The
sole exception is the planet Earth, which, through a theoretically
impossible fluctuation of the laws of physics, relativity and good
taste, has been given the dubious honor of having the highest
concentration of artists in the entire western arm of the galaxy.  Among
the "paintings" available on Earth, the ones of the "Black Velvet"
nature have been called some of the best works of art in the Known
Universe.  They are also cheap.  Pick a few up and make a killing on a
more civilized planet.

Next, you must formulate an opinion of a work of art when you see one.
Art thrives on opinions.  The "Mada Saskootchka" of the famed
thermonuclear sculptor Kritchkrotch was discovered (and later made
immortal) when an unwitting passer-by uttered the word "Halichutz",
which in the native language of Saskootchka meant "That, my good man,
was inspired by the Gods themselves!"  A minor scandal erupted when it
was discovered that the passer-by who uttered this comment was not
actually from Saskootchka, but its neighboring planet Eyup, and that in
Eyupian the word actually meant "Get your bloody Erector Set off of the
sidewalk!"  The scandal was resolved by a tricky art dealer who stated
"What does it matter that it looks like an Erector Set?  It's an Erector
Set that the Gods Inspired, and that is what's important."

So, should you find yourself in one of the famous galleries of Dreedrax,
or end up in a snobbish party that is being held in a place of considerable
repute, you now know enough about art to carry on a decent conversation
about the various pieces on display.  One proven tactic is to walk to the
nearest area where a group of people are standing around staring at
something and stating in a mildly arrogant tone "This is supposed to be
art?"  If it isn't, you will be told so, but if it is you will generally
be plunged into a conversation about the piece and its merits.  Then make
generally pompous comments about the piece's faults in style, concept
and execution (e.g. "This person looks as if he/she/it's trying to
emulate the Black Velvet paintings of Terra.  It's a blatant rip-off.
[pointing to the work]  See, look at that brush stroke.  It's a VERY poor
emulation, and, to be frank, sacrilege!")  This works very well, as almost
no civilized being has ever actually seen a Terran Black Velvet).  This
approach almost always makes you the life of the party, and you will find
many people willing to drink a toast to you to hail your good taste and/or
take you to bed.
%e
*EOA*


%t Problems With Spelling And Interbeing Relations, The
%n 1U3
%s Beings have problems spelling with each other.
%a Vincent Joseph Shuta  ([e-mail])
%d 19921014
%i Spelling Problems
%i Interbeing Relational Problems
%e
It is, of course, well known that a person's ability to spell can
affect their placement in life.  A misspelling on an application,
resume, or manuscript can have -- relatively speaking -- devastating
effects, and can alter the position one ends up with.  For example,
a professor of enigmatic jokes at the University of Maximegalon made
a grievous error by using the letter 'e' in place of the letter '<&*'
in the word 'Flath<&*' (an odd word used only in enigmatic jokes) in
his triple doctoral thesis.  He was approached with the error, and
was about to be dismissed from his post, when in an enigmatic
inspiration, he saved his position by coining the only known
spelling-related enigmatic phrase:  "Well, if I could spell, I
wouldn't be here!"

This phrase is actually more literally true of the Gelderion people
of Vanbeetroot VII.  During the reign of their leader, King Grenbar
the Confused, a rather complicated and extremely expensive satellite
was placed in orbit over the planet.  This satellite could sense
anyone spelling anything correctly in public, or correcting another's
spelling, and changed this person's position by several thousand light
years (The King was apparently annoyed at the number of people who
corrected his spelling, which was well known to be atrocious).

As a result, a large percentage of the population was sent hurling
though space, and the economy was devastated; both from the lack of
people in the work force, and from the enormous debt created by the
satellite.

When finally a team of engineers was sent to shut down the satellite,
they found that all the original manuals were unreadable due to numerous
misspellings, and all the original blueprints were soaked in
Vanbeetroot ale (a curious mixture produced on Vanbeetroot V, where
the natives dealt with people who could spell by getting them extra-
ordinarily drunk).  And thus began the rather expensive endeavor of
retrieving the satellite and directly analyzing it.  The engineers then
found that the satellite was simply a natural annoyance magnifier,
which took the energy produced by annoyance, magnified it several
trillion times and focused it on the source of the annoyance -- with a
gain control to send the person someplace safe.  The engineers then
disconnected the gain control, and got very annoyed with the device --
which promptly melted itself.

This is why 90% of all dictionaries sold throughout the galaxy come
with a short tutorial on advanced circuit analysis.
%e
*EOA*


%t Dealing With The Lack Of Time
%n 1U4
%s Time expands to fill available space.
%a Vincent Joseph Shuta  ([e-mail])
%d 19921122
%i Lack Of Time, Dealing With
%i Time, Dealing With The Lack Of
%e
It's a common complaint of most sentient beings in the galaxy that
there isn't enough time to accomplish everything.  The time allotted
for projects, assignments, and those tasks necessary for daily life
is always less than the time required to accomplish the projects,
assignments, and daily tasks.  The general response to such laments
is "Get organized."  This is not often welcome advice because if one
had the time to get organized, then there would be enough time to
accomplish everything: adding "Get organized" to the list doesn't help.

This has led to an entire industry based on time-saving devices:
Microwave ovens, electric can openers, automatic cat feeders, etc.
Although some of these devices have been shown to save time, the
overall effect is minimal, and the complaints have not dropped too
much.  (The overall effect on the lives of the inventors has been
quite amazing, since they can now afford to hire people to do
everything for them.  The overall effect on the hired people has
been the opposite, since they now have that much less time, due to
the added task of catering to the inventors.  This creates a balance
so the overall figures are not affected.)

Some psychologists at Golgafrincham University Polar Campus (also
known as "Snow U") developed a theory that people schedule any free
time they have for fear of boredom.  This has never been fully
developed however, since the same psychologists were sent off in
the now infamous B Ark.

As a side note, the rest of the psychologists stayed home.  They of
course were key figures in Golgafrincham's population reduction
plans.  The only ones who weren't working on that project were those
who weren't considered that good.  And although it was a tad
embarrassing for all involved when they came up with a major theory,
it was easily taken care of.
%e
*EOA*


%t Thirty-Seven Ways To Deep Sea Fish With Four Feet Of Dental Floss
%s A fun and challenging activity for the sports enthusiast
%a Mark Anthony Young and Kristian Wiklund
%d 19920115
%f FICTION
%n 2U1
%x Recreational Impossibilities
%i Dental Floss And Deep Sea Fishing
%i Deep Sea Fishing And Dental Floss
%e
It is, of course, perfectly ludicrous to suggest that anyone can deep sea
fish with four feet of dental floss.  Dental floss is a controlled substance
in this galaxy, and possession of amounts in excess of 12 millimeters is
punishable by a fine of 30,000 Altarian dollars and/or seventy-five years at
hard labor.

Nevertheless, our researchers have braved untold horrors and the galactic
legal system (a horror that everyone should be told about) to bring you the
following list of ways that you might _try_ to deep sea fish with four feet
of dental floss.

          1) Go to the building at the end of Beeblebrox Lane (just about
     every city in the galaxy has a Beeblebrox Lane, and each has a large,
     decrepit building at the end; trust us, we've checked).  Knock three
     times slowly, then twice fast.  When they answer the door, say Zaphod
     sent you.  At the end of the hall you will see a door marked "Private.
     Do Not Enter."  Go in.  (Trust us.)  Address yourself to the person
     behind the desk (pay no attention to the armed thugs that will try to
     block your way, or possibly to kill you).  Say that you know where you
     can find some dental floss, and you'd like a deep sea fishing fleet for
     the information.  Settle for a single fishing vessel.  (Let us know if
     this works.)

          2) Stash the dental floss in a friend's home.  Phone Galactic
     Security and inform them that you know who's behind the recent rash of
     dental floss abuse in the area.  Use the reward money to buy a deep sea
     fishing vessel, and to get some plastic surgery done so that your friend
     can't find you when they get out.

          3) Stash the dental floss in your friend's home.  Phone them up and
     tell them that you know about the dental floss, but you won't squeal if
     they buy you a deep sea fishing vessel.  (If they balk, see number 2,
     above.)

          4) Become a judge of the Galactic Superior Court.  Find yourself
     guilty of possession of dental floss, and find yourself 30,000 Altarian
     dollars.  Pay the find from the department's petty cash, but lose the
     paperwork and use the cash to buy a fishing vessel.

          5) Find someone who can't count (they're all over the place).  Tell
     them you have one hundred feet of fishing line that you'll let them have
     if they take you deep sea fishing.  Use a foot ruler to measure out the
     dental floss, counting carefully: "one, two, five, one hundred."  Make
     sure they don't get close enough to detect the substitution.

          100) Go to Pandenteris V.  The oceans of that planet are remarkably
     shallow, obtaining a depth of no more than seven feet.  Wade into the
     sea (being careful not to fall off the continental shelf unless you are
     more than seven feet tall) and drop one end of the floss into the ocean,
     baited with some worm or other (do not use the local worms, since they
     are a protected species, and in any case they are so mean that they
     would shoot you if you looked sideways at them, let alone tried to make
     a meal of them for the Pandenterian fishes).  By local standards, you
     are now "deep sea fishing."

          85) Borrow a time machine from a friend (not the one you tried
     number 3 on).  Carefully note the time.  Every ten minutes for the next
     hour, take your dental floss back to the noted time (be sure to move
     somewhat to one side each time you go back).  Tie your piece of dental
     floss on to the end of the floss that is already there.  Leave the floss
     and return to when you came from.  When you get back you will find the
     two pieces tied together, resulting in a piece of dental floss twice as
     long as the one you took with you.  In this way you will double the
     length of the floss every ten minutes.  After sixty minutes you will
     have a piece of dental floss one hundred twenty-eight feet long.  Then
     you can try passing the floss off as fishing line (as in number 5) to
     people who _can_ count.  (Try to get out and back as quickly as
     possible, as the people from the Campaign for Real Time will be coming
     after that dental floss as soon as they can, which might be real soon
     since they also have access to time machines.)

          9) Buy some *bad* meat and boil it until it is *very* sticky.  Then
     take a walk down to the beach and throw the meat into the ocean.  The
     local fish community will eat of it and soon they notice that their
     teeth are unclean -- now it's time to do the actual fishing.

     Take a small piece of paper, write "Dental Floss Sale This Way" on it
     and draw an arrow pointing upward.  Tie one foot of the dental floss to
     the top of the sign.  (First you must disguise the dental floss by
     painting it red, simulating blood.  No one wants to use second-hand
     dental floss.) Tie the other end to a small flotation device.

     Next thing to do is to get a long stick (30-40 feet) and put a bucket at
     the end of it.  Type "Dental Floss Lives in This Bucket" on the bottom
     of it and tie the rest of the dental floss to the bucket handle so that
     the fish must jump between the actual bucket and its handle.

     Now, position the bucket-stick-thing hanging with the bucket a few
     inches above the water.  Throw the sign into the ocean and wait.

     Soon the fishes will start jumping out of the water, trying to reach the
     dental floss.  As some of them actually manage to get hold of the floss,
     they will end up in the bottom of the bucket.

          37) Go to the building at the end of Beeblebrox Lane.  Knock three
     times slowly, then twice fast.  When they answer the door, say Zaphod
     sent you.  Go down into the basement (be careful not to let the doorman
     see you go down).  Place a stick of Mega-Blast Explosives and
     Incendiaries' Best under the room at the end of the hall.  Bump into
     something, but try to make it sound like an accident (do NOT bump into
     the explosive, nor knock anything onto it -- you're trying to go
     fishing, not flying).  When the thugs from the room above find you, grin
     sheepishly and say "Oops."  You'll be with the fishes in no time (don't
     forget to take the dental floss)!
%e
*EOA*


%t Galactic Postal Service
%s Through rain or sleet or dark of night, most of which don't exist in space
%a Mark Anthony Young  ([e-mail])
%d 19920124
%f FICTION
%n 2U2
%x Important Tips for Youngsters
%x Milliways Principle
%i Post Office
%i Mail Service
rem * %x Mail R Us, Co. Ltd.
rem * %x Late Imperial Period
rem * %x Galactic Couriers
%e
The Galactic Postal Service has a long and illustrious history, according to
their own private historian, Belthenk Milgrondius Pifter.  It was founded
back in the Late Imperial Period by Fronk Sindik Pifter.  At that time it was
called the Penny Post, and operated on the Milliways Principle.  That is, you
deposit one penny in a bank account and the cost of the mailing was collected
from the interest.

What the earlier Pifter failed to mention, and what many of his customers did
not know, was that the letter was not actually sent until enough interest had
accumulated to pay the rate.  This resulted in several letters not being
delivered until well after the addressee's demise.  These letters usually
could not be returned to the sender, since the sender too had shuffled off
this mortal coil (incidentally, many of them did not "shuffle off" at all,
but were rather dragged off, kicking and screaming, at the Great Penny Post
Protest, an event the latter Pifter does not mention in his histories: seems
some of the customers got wind of the fact that letters were not being sent
right away, and organized to get their money (and letters) back; some angry
words were exchanged, fighting broke out, and twenty-four people were killed;
the story was pushed off the news-casts by a rumor that Hotblack Desiato was
going to marry teenage super-model-singing-star-movie-star-plumber
Madonellica, in spite of his recent demise for tax purposes [ it never
happened -- ed. ] ).

When the delays inherent in the Penny Post became apparent, many customers
switched to the faster Angranthean Express.  This service required a greater
initial investment (the entire rate was paid up front), but sped your letter
through the galaxy, giving technicians ample time to refuel and maintain the
speedsters.  Unfortunately, it also gave them time to take the speedsters out
on joy-rides that more often than not ended up crashing into a local
uncharted asteroid (asteroid charts were notoriously inaccurate in those
days: Galactic Security had decided that accurate asteroid charts would be a
great boon to any invading space navy, so not having said charts would be a
great deterrent; the fact that more people were killed by uncharted asteroids
than by invading navies only encouraged the theorists at GS: "It must be
working, then," they said).

The Angranthean Express went bankrupt after only a few years of operation,
and was absorbed by the Penny Post, which then changed its name to the
Galactic Postal Service, which is what we have today.  It is to Belthenk
Pifter's eternal credit that he managed to convince us that this was an
interesting story.

Finally, we should note that GPS regulations require that all materials sent
by post be Quite Flame Proof.  This is tested by the simple expedient of
setting fire to every piece of mail that comes into their possession.  Since
no one office trusts any other office to do this test correctly, it is
carried out at every office on the letter's route.  This means that most mail
arrives in a charred state with numerous (partially burned) "Certified
Flameproof" stickers attached.
%e
*EOA*


%t Radio
%s Radiomusic prevents spreading of AIDS
%a Felix Buebl
%d 19920111
%f FICTION
%n 2U3
%i Disaster Area
%i AIDS
%i HIV-Positive
%e
In the days when Disaster Area was only the nickname for hairdresser's shops
and not the later well-known chart-breaking band, this little planet had a
problem with a virus called HIV, spreading AIDS.

Many attempts were made to stop this various spreading, until a clean method
was developed.  This method is called _Radio_.

R.A.D.I.O. (Reach All Dulls In Order To Keep Them From Fucking Around - the
last parts of this abbreviation were later dropped because people believed
"Radiotktofa" to be a Russian abuse rather than a medical program) was used
to play the most nauseating music available.

Everyone who listened long enough to this repugnant garbage became impotent.
And the music was repulsive enough to keep even the viruses from reproducing.
So, the scientists had enough time to develop a cure.

A fascinating effect was, many inhabitants of Earth seemed to _enjoy_ this
music.  They were of course disappointed when - after a cure for AIDS had
been found -- the Air Force bombed the transmitters.
%e
*EOA*


%t Thirsty
%n 2U4
%s If you want to thing out, thing out.
%a Felix Buebl
%d 19920114
%f FICTION
%i Whensday
%e
The Thirsty is the day which follows the WhensDay.  The Whensday is the day
when people say "when's this silly text ending?"  So tomorrow is the
thirsty, if you are not a camel.  Camels don't get thirsty, because they
can't read and so they won't be able to ask "when's this silly text ending,"
and thirsty can only come after whensday.

Boris Becker won't win any Wilbeldon on dueceday, so he becomes sadder and
sadder (they call it sadderday).  If he never wins, he must be week.
%e
*EOA*


%t Absolute Zero
%n 2U5
%s Bitterness and Particle Physics
%a Elizabeth Barett Revulsion
%d 19920514
%i Freezing Point
%i Zero
%i Zilch
%i Bitterness
%i Particle Physics
%x Earth
%e
Absolute Zero, 1.
-----------------
The exact amount of sympathy you can expect to get for your pathetic
little problems in this cold, hard, Bugblatter Beast eat Bugblatter Beast
universe.  Wake up, Bubbie!  This is the real Galaxy and none of your
mothers work here!  As the great Altairian philosopher Bobo the Plutarch
once said, "Laugh and the Galaxy laughs with you.  Cry, and some really
heinously unhoopy Vogon will rip out your vital internal organs and shove
them up your nose just because he's suffering from a little post-lunch gas
and wants to work off his frustration."

So this is my advice to you: fight hard.  Drink hard.  Walk alone.  Pack
a blaster that can take out a large metropolitan area.  If you meet a
strag, kick him in the shin, and then while he's distracted, gouge out
one eye and spit in the other one.  If you meet another hitchhiker, first
peel off all his skin with a Skinsu Skin Peeler (TM) and then cover him
with an inflammable substance and set him on fire.  Especially if that
hitchhiker is my SOB of an ex-boyfriend, Fluffy Ziffle, last seen in a
mint green El Camino Megajalopy headed for Golgafrincham.

Before you peel him, tell him I'm Extremely happy.  So happy they have to
sedate me and keep me in restraints so I don't do something dangerous
in the throes of sheer rapture.  Also, I don't care if he gives me my
Disaster Area record back!  And that goes double for what's-her-face!

Absolute Zero, 2.
-----------------
The temperature of 0 degrees Kelvin, at which all particle movement ceases.
The most interesting thing about 0 degrees Kelvin is that all music played
at this temperature closely resembles one song from an obscure planet
named "Earth". [see Earth]  The song is called "I Do Not Want What I Haven't
Got" and the songwriter is known as Sin Eadoconner for arcane reasons which
seem related to severe hair loss.

A temperature actually colder than 0 degrees Kelvin has been discovered in
the Movie Megatheathers of the Summer Planet of Thur.  There, the mean
temperature is -7 degrees Kelvin.  Interestingly, all music in the Movie
Megatheaters of the Summer Planet of Thur sounds like an extended dance
mix of "I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got" by Sin Eadoconner.  The
popularity of the Movie Megatheaters has declined rapidly in recent
years.
%e
*EOA*


%t Ligantis, Justice Lipo
%s Man can rationalize anything he has a mind to do.  - Benjamin Franklin
%n 2U6
%a Loren Haarsma  ([e-mail])
%d 19920217
%i Lipo Ligantis
%i Justice Lipo Ligantis
%e
Impartial; honest; hard-working; scholarly; trustworthy; compassionate; wise.
None of these words have ever been used to describe Junior Justice Lipo
Ligantis of the Galactic Supreme Court.  He is famous, or rather infamous, as
the second-best-known judicial figure in galactic history [ Ed. note:  after
His High Judgmental Supremacy, Judiciary Pag L.I.V.R. ] for his ability to
take any excellent idea, any wise decision, or any personally compromising
situation, and stand it on its head to his own advantage.

Lipo Ligantis began his climb to fame like so many of his fellow lawyers,
corporate executives, movie producers, and paranoid homicidal maniacs:  as a
play-by-play announcer for Brockian Ultra Cricket.  During one
fateful match, the tri-D picture feed was lost, but Lipo Ligantis continued
to describe the senseless violence, the blood, the mayhem, the acts of
carnage and depravity, and the sincere apologies, with such flair and panache
that his viewership rating not only held steady, but actually grew at a
remarkable rate so that, four hours later when the picture feed was finally
repaired, Lipo's descriptions no longer bore the slightest resemblance to
what was actually happening on the playing field.  The network executives,
quick to spot the trend, called their accountants, who in turn called their
sponsors' accountants, who in turn called the playing teams' accountants, who
called the team managers, who called the coaches, and thereafter every game
of Brockian Ultra Cricket was carefully choreographed to follow Lipo's
pre-written format.

The game, the network, and Lipo Ligantis were all rocketing in popularity
when, during one such game, it was suddenly revealed that the whole thing was
a hoax.  It was then that he first showed his genius for quick thinking.
Facing the horrible wrath of ten billion upset Brockian Ultra Cricket fans,
Lipo hastily handed out musical instruments to all the players, thereby
launching the career of what immediately became one of the most popular heavy
metal rock bands in galactic history, while Lipo's play-by-play scripts
became the most listened-to and most often-quoted rock lyrics of that era.

During his career as a rock band manager, Lipo Ligantis' fame continued to
grow because of his well-publicized acts of unspeakable cruelty, his drug
deals of astonishing scope and intricacy, and his speeches of breathtaking
arrogance (and, occasionally, political subversion), all of which he
performed on stage while introducing his band at live concerts.  His
OFF-stage activities are rather too numerous to summarize here; they can be
found in _The Annals of Galactic Jurisprudence_ Volumes 1345-1521.  At his
peak, in addition to managing the rock band, Lipo Ligantis was successfully
defending himself in over 1358 criminal and civil cases simultaneously.

He then disappeared into the shadowy underworld of recording company
executives and music publication deals.  Nothing is known of his activities
except that, two years later, he emerged with a 75 percent controlling
interest in every major musical group then existing.  [ Ed. note:  due to
our failure to receive any reports during the last week, we are once again
opening up the post of Recording Industry Correspondent.  Orphans only need
apply. ]

It was at this point that then Galactic President Thralby Twobedo appointed
Lipo Ligantis to the Supreme Court.  For the next two years, the most watched
channels on the sub-etha bands were those carrying the Galactic Senate's
confirmation hearings.  Meanwhile, with the attention of the Senate, the
media, and the entire galactic law enforcement community fixed on the past
and present activities of Ligantis, President Twobedo and his administration
were able to systematically pillage the government of practically all of its
assets and then slip into immensely wealthy and inexplicably obscure
retirement.

When Ligantis was finally allowed to speak in his own behalf at the Senate
hearings, he did not deny any of the charges leveled against him.  Instead,
he argued with such eloquence, that since he had personally broken virtually
every law ever written he was in a very good position to adjudicate such
matters, that he was confirmed unanimously.

Justice Lipo Ligantis' dialectic skills served him well on the Court, where
he wrote some of the most famous dissenting opinions ever conceived.  Among
the most remarkable are "Impoverished Citizens of Beyard Minor vs. the
Military Industrial Complex", in which he argued that peacetime is the best
time to spend massive amounts of money to develop new weapons systems (there
are fewer distractions then); "Teachers Association vs. the Galactic Board of
Education" in which he showed that the best way to raise children to be good,
intelligent, happy, and hard-working citizens is to forbid schools from
teaching any systematic form of morality whatsoever; "The State vs. Allegra
Pileria" in which he ruled that in order for the police to arrest anyone,
they must first have a letter signed by a judge stating their intention NOT
to arrest the individual (thereby insuring "good faith" on the part of the
police); and "The Galactic Supreme Court vs. Junior Justice Lipo Ligantis"
in which he reasoned that the rulings of the Court itself were invalid and
that therefore only his own dissenting opinions had the force of law.

It was of course because of his ability to present utter nonsense in such a
compelling form, as demonstrated in these decisions and many more like them,
that, upon his retirement from the Court, Ligantis was immediately offered
the job of President of the Marketing of Division of the Sirius Cybernetics
Corporation, a post which he held until his final, highly-publicized, utterly
mysterious, and completely predictable, disappearance.

There can be little doubt that Lipo Ligantis' presence on the Court caused a
great deal of resentment among his fellow Justices, not to mention the entire
legal community.  Ligantis could virtually determine the Court's position on
any case simply by advocating the opposite view.  Indeed, most scholars at
the Ligantis Institute for Clever Thinking today agree that this is
precisely what he did, although his dissenting opinions were so well-argued
that they frequently became law a few years later anyway.  However, a growing
minority of scholars argue that THIS in fact is what Justice Ligantis had in
mind all along.
%e
*EOA*


%t Easy Ways To Save Money
%n 2U7
%s A few good hints how to save lots of money easily
%a Seppo J Niemi  ([e-mail])
%d 19920311
%i Saving Money
%e
Saving money is really important for a modern hitch-hiker. In the past,
rovers (the equivalent of modern hitch-hiker) were often given food
and lodgings in large, wealthy farmhouses for free; and if they were
lucky, they might even get a chance to sneak into the daughter's
bedroom.

Nowadays, you have to pay for everything.  It is generally known, even
among the economists (who usually don't know more about anything at
all than a shrimp somewhere in the Atlantic ocean knows about Italian
pizza), that there is no such thing as a free lunch.  Simply staying
alive is so expensive that only few can actually afford it.  Trying to
find a cheap place to spend the night is becoming more and more
difficult, especially in the larger cities, where you will most probably
have to rent an expensive room.  And if you want to sneak into somebody's
bedroom, that's going to cost you a fortune.  Trying to save every penny
you can is therefore vitally important.

Since it is often said that saving money is very hard, almost impossible,
here are a few tips to help a hitch-hiker realize that it is not.  Saving
is actually just about the easiest thing imaginable.

First thing to do in order to save money is to start smoking at least
three or four packets of cigarettes a day.  If that doesn't seem to be
enough, you can always start drinking as well; but you must remember
to drink only the best whiskeys and wines available.  And if you want
even bigger savings, gambling is the next step.

It may not be obvious to the reader how all these things can help to
save money.  But imagine how much you will save when you stop doing
them.  Quitting smoking and drinking alone means remarkable savings.
Not to mention how much more money not gambling any more will leave
you with.

If you happen to be living in a country where everything is so expensive
that you can hardly afford to have your hair cut, you have several easy
ways of saving money. Take Finland for example; in Finland, everything is
taxed beyond all sense of proportion, especially alcoholic drinks.  If you
go to an average pub, disco or restaurant in Finland and want to buy of
pint of lager (it isn't even a pint, but a lousy half liter) it will cost
you 25 FIM. At the current rate of exchange, it is a bit over three pounds
sterling or some six US dollars.

When you leave this country and travel to Britain, for example, you
can get two, almost three pints for the price of one in Finland.  Therefore,
every pint you drink means a lot of saved money.  The more you drink, the
more you save; makes sense, doesn't it?

To save even more (and I'm talking about Big Money here), you should
choose a car.  For example, a large brand new Mercedes with as much
additional everything as possible, electric this, heated that, etc.  You
can choose any car you like; the only thing that matters is that it
should cost at least 200,000 local currency units, or a couple of hundred
millions more if you live in Italy.  You should dream of this car
passionately; spend at least five hours daily staring at the beauty through
the shop window and drooling against the glass, until the shop keeper sends
you a bill for having to clean the window every day.

Then, one day you should decide to buy the thing.  Put on your best clothes
and walk into the shop wearing a grim determined face of a man who is going
to buy the car-in-the-window.  The trick of saving here is to change your
mind a second before you sign anything, before you actually buy it, and to
walk away from the shop.  And there you are, a man who has just saved
200,000.  For bigger savings still, you can decide not to buy yourself a
private jet airplane, or an oil tanker.

And just imagine how much money you have saved for not buying Australia.
%e
*EOA*


%t Important Tips for Youngsters
%n 2U8
%s Remember your GPS official address, or get used to travelling
%a Mark A Young  ([e-mail])
%d 19920607
%i Tips for Kids
%i GPS Address Standards
%i Galactic Postal Service Address Standards
%x Galactic Postal Service
%e
It is important for all little beings to know their exact address.  If you
were carried off by a wandering Snorshil's Beast, you would want to be able
to get back home (unless you happened to BE a wandering Snorshil's Beast, in
which case home would be the last place you would want to go, with Snorshil's
Planet having been overrun by Knights in Shining Armor who have taken up The
Quest of the Snorshil's Beast.  These Knights have vowed to go to Snorshil's
Planet and not to leave until they have captured a Beast.  Unfortunately for
them, their presence in such numbers has managed to drive every Beast from
the planet.  Trapped by their vows, they now mostly sit around polishing
their armor and bemoaning the lack of damsels in distress, or even damsels
of any sort, since all people not required to be on Snorshil's Planet have
been ordered off to protect their eyes from the reflections off several
thousand over-polished suits of armor.)

In any case, whether carried off by wandering Beasts or simply marooned by a
malfunctioning teleport, you should know your correct address in -- and this
is the important part -- in the official Galactic Postal Service Format.
It's no use knowing your address in any other format, since the GPS will not
deliver a package unless it is correctly addressed.  And, of course, the most
efficient way for young beings to get home is to mail themselves.

The official GPS address format is really not all that hard to remember: the
system name and planet number go first, followed by the planet's name in
parentheses, then the name of the galactic arm, the house number, street,
city, political division and country.

For example:

     George Bush,
     Sol III (Earth),
     Orion Arm,
     1600 Pennsylvania Avenue,
     Washington, DC, USA

(This address is actually useless, since the GPS doesn't deliver to Sol III
since that planet was demolished to make way for a hyperspatial express
route.  The planet has since been rebuilt, but when the GPS was informed of
this, their official response was: "Who cares?  No one important lives there
anyway.")

If you happen to live on a planet that has no street numbers, then just leave
it off:

     Sir Beddelly Begreaves of the Brilliant Bever,
     Menactae IV (Snorshil's Planet),
     Sagittarius-Carina Arm,
     Road of the Glistening Gauntlets,
     Bilton's Manor, County Miedds, Costagol
     ***WEAR DARK GLASSES***

(This address also shows the correct way to present special instructions.)
Any other variations are not allowed, according to GPS official policy.  If
any other piece of information does not apply, it should be replaced by the
word "None."  Thus:

     Paul Clegg,
     None (None),
     None,
     None,
     None, None, None
     ***SHOOT SELF AFTER DELIVERY***

If the young being keeps its head and remembers its address in the proper
format, there is no reason it shouldn't get back home within a few standard
days.  If not, well, the Snorshil's Beast is actually a pretty good
travelling companion -- and they do have the galaxy's best collections of
cool sunglasses.
%e
*EOA*


%t Walking Through Mountains
%s One of the more impossible things you can attempt...
%a Jeremy Goldman
%d 19870501
%n 2U10
%i Mountains, Walking Through
%x Recreational Impossibilities
%e
One of the more impossible things you can attempt if bored is trying to get
_through_ a mountain, instead of being normal and going over like ordinary
people.  It has been said that necessity is the mother of invention, but
very few people have tried, or even considered trying, this stunt.
Therefore, we have no information.

However, we will not leave you empty-handed.  Similar to flying, the point
is to make physics completely ignore the fact that what you are doing is
completely impossible.  This could be said for most of the things that are
(supposably) impossible.  We figure that if you are sufficiently distracted
by, say, a nice pair of legs, anything is possible.

In the words of the great (maybe) singer Weird Al, "Dare to be stupid."
%e
*EOA*


%t Recreational Impossibilities
%n 2U11
%s Fun and games for the Improbable Sports enthusiast
%a Jeremy Goldman
%d 19870502
%x Thirty-Seven Ways To Deep Sea Fish With Four Feet Of Dental Floss
%x Walking Through Mountains
%e
In the universe, there are several things that are considered Recreational
Impossibilities (depending on your species of course) that people try doing
to relive their boredom.  If you are one of those rich kids who are tired of
doing silly things such as being a teaser, here's something new.

These listings are in the Guide somewhere, so don't panic.

         1. Flying - one of the most popular Recreational Impossibilities.

         2. Walking Through Mountains - Now this is a hard one.  But look it
            up anyway.

         3. Trying To Get The Brantisvogan Civil Service To Acknowledge A
            Change of Address - Boffo

         4. Learning To Play The Octaventral Heebiephone - Since this is
            only possible if you have eight mouths, a pleasantly futile
            task.

         5. Surviving Within A Five-Mile Radius Of A Disaster Area Concert
            - see Disaster Area

         6. Reading Vogon Poetry Without Going Mad - Hoo boy.  See poetry.

         7. Surviving A Whelk's Chance In A Supernova - Don't mind the
            Whelk.

         8. Learning All The Languages In The Galaxy - Listen up you
            immortals!  Here's something to get your mind off things.

         9. Trying To Become Immortal - Many people have ended up looking
            very silly, or very dead, or both, trying this.  See Immortals.

         10. Figuring Out The Question To The Answer To Life The Universe
             And Everything - good luck!

         11. Trying To Pay With An American Express Card - Don't try this in
             the Old Pink Dog bar.

         12. Surviving Any Of The Above - Don't ask why, but if you are
             bored, anything will do.
%e
*EOA*


%t Milliways Principle
%n 2U12
%s This is totally impossible, and yet it works.
%a Mark A Young  ([e-mail])
%d 19920816
%i How To Pay Off Huge Debts
%i Huge Debts, How To Pay Off
%x Galactic Postal Service
%e
The Milliways principle is one of the most ingenious inventions of the
banking industry, second only to compounding interest, free toasters with
a new account, and those little windows that close when someone wanting
money approaches (this latter invention has totally revolutionized life
on Al-Deneb VI, where it is considered extremely rude to refuse to lend a
friend a few Altairian dollars -- even if the ungrateful bastard has
already touched you fifty times in the past week for more than your annual
income and has no job and no prospect of getting a job because no employer
will see him because they're afraid he'll ask for a seven-year advance in
his salary even tho' he hasn't been hired yet and they'll be forced to give
it to him because it would be rude not to -- on Al-Deneb VI they carry these
windows around in front of them wherever they go -- it saves them a lot of
money -- even taking into account the royalties they pay to the banks).

The Milliways principle is named for Milliways restaurant.  In order to pay
the outrageous rates that eatery charges, the patrons deposit one penny in
a bank in their own time period.  The tab is paid from the interest built up
over the trillions of years that penny sits in the bank.  When Milliways
comes to collect, the bank charges a service fee amounting to several
percent of the charge -- usually just enough to empty out the account.  Both
the bank and the restaurant then use TFT (Temporal Funds Transfer) to take
their profit back to some time when there were still things to buy with
their fabulous wealth.

(OK, so when you count them up, the Milliways principle is the fifth most
ingenious idea that the banking industry has come up with.  I never claimed
to be very good at this counting stuff.  On my accountant's advice I leave
that to her.)
%e
*EOA*


%t i
%n 2U13
%s i, the square root of -1, is 42.
%a Daniel Carosone
%d 19870102
%i Irrational Numbers
%i Imaginary Numbers
%i Question To The Answer, The
%e
The Question to the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe,
and Everything...

   1) The Answer to the Question is 42.

      [ Ed. note -- unfortunately for the premise of this entire article,
        the factuality of the above statement is currently under debate;
        once enough persuasion from one side or the other finally resolves
        the issue, this article, and perhaps many of the others, shall
        definitely be updated (maybe). ]

   2) Marvin, amongst numerous other complaints, claimed to have a brain the
      size of a planet.

   3) Marvin, like other robots, has a computer-based brain.

   4) The Earth is a planet.

   5) The Earth was built by the mice as a computer, the only such planet or
      computer ever built.

   6) By (2), (3), (4), and (5), the Earth must therefore be Marvin's brain.

   7) The sole purpose of the Earth's program was to discover the Ultimate
      Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything.

   8) Marvin once announced that he had, in a moment of boredom, found the
      square root of -1, something never before done in the history of the
      universe, and previously believed by all sensible hyper-intelligent
      beings to be possibly the most difficult task to undertake, as it was
      dependent on the very structure of the Universe. (Most normally-
      intelligent beings gave up, dismissing it as impossible.)

   9) Marvin announced that he felt a brief, but deep, sense of satisfaction
      after having accomplished the achievement in (8).

  10) The Earth was apparently destroyed just as the purpose of its program
      was fulfilled, and a Question had been found.

  11) By (7), the Earth computer would have felt a deep sense of
      satisfaction at having achieved the task it was designed to fulfil.

  12) By (10), the sensation in (11) would have been brief.

  13) By (6), and by the fact that emotional feelings are based in the
      brain, the feelings in (9), (11) and (12) are the same single feeling.

  14) Finding the Ultimate Question was deemed to be the single most
      difficult task undertaken by hyper-intelligent beings in the history
      of the universe, as it was dependant on the very structure of the
      Universe -- as well as Life and Everything.

  15) By (6), (8), (13), and (14), Marvin (the Earth) had clearly solved the
      Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything.

  16) By (8) and (15), the Question is "What is the square root of -1?".

  17) By (1) and (16), the square root of -1 is 42.
%e
*EOA*


%t Shadowlight
%n 2U14
%s Shadowlight: Proven cause of shadows
%a Jason Williams  ([e-mail])
%d 19921020
%x Dark Suckers
%x Light
%i Cause Of Shadows, The
%i Shadows
%e
It had been thought until this time that shadows were merely the absence of
light; but an innovative research team from the University of Lower Sodbury
has ruined that perfectly good theory by discovering a new wavelength of
light -- that responsible for shadows.

Doctor Bob Wigglebottom, head of the research team, explains the accidental
discovery that instigated the research:

     "While fiddling around one day with a couple of uwave fluxometers and a
     jug of Bozleys Best Bitter, I noticed a peculiar thing.  But it went
     away again when I stopped moving my head.  Anyway, after that I noticed
     that when the fluxometers were waved in the shadow of the beer, there
     were some slight, unexpected fluctuations in the readings on the U.W.F.
     I tried it again, only sober this time, and noted the same effect.
     I began thinking about the possible cause...".

After 2 years of painstaking research and extra-long lunch breaks, the
Sodbury team have gathered enough data to reveal their discovery -- the
fascinating world of Shadowlight.

Shadowlight is a form of light which exists at very small wavelengths, far
beyond the visible spectrum.  It has a smaller wavelength even than
microwaves, enabling it to propagate through solid objects (without exciting
their molecules and making them explode, as luck would have it).  As it
passes through solids, shadowlight excites the dark particles lying within
them, causing a current* of dark in the same direction.  Thus, dark can be
seen flowing out of the side of objects facing away from the light source.
Transparent objects contain a much lower dark density, and thus produce
weaker shadows.

[A related discovery of the team explains the danger of standing under a
levitated piano: Should the dark inside slip, it can be propelled towards
the ground by shadowlight at very high velocity, and if it hits a person,
it can supersaturate their eyes and brain with dark so that they are
temporarily blinded and fall unconscious. (Often the piano will also be
sucked down by the vortex created by the sudden movement of dark, which can
cause great damage and may get blood on the piano.)]

It is thought that if Newton was aware of the way in which solar Shadowlight
accelerates dark, which in turn applies a downward force to solid objects,
our concept of gravity would be quite different.

This phenomenon is also responsible for the movement of rivers: as solar
shadowlight reflects down from snowcapped mountains, it drives deep into
the river, pushing the dark downhill.  The slight friction between dark
particles and water particles pushes the water.  This moving water in turn
pushes the water that lies further down out of sight of the mountains,
until it flows out into the sea.

Although the emitted dark is carried out of the solid by the shadowlight, it
tends to spread out slightly as it leaves the object, resulting in a fuzzy
edge (the shadow penumbra).  Test this for yourself - as you move an object
further from its shadow, the shadow spreads out and gets fuzzier and
fainter.  This is because the cone-shaped flow of dark is being spread out
over a larger area, and is therefore diluted by more light.

Postulating that objects 'recharge' by absorbing dark during the night, the
team set up an experiment where objects were continuously exposed to a 100
watt dark sucker.  After 3 months the observed shadows had not weakened, and
it was then that an able young student realized that the dark sucker had
been running on 50 Hz AC power, and that dark was able to leak back into the
objects between AC cycles.  Experiments are planned to use a second bulb
with a 90 degree phase-lag to provide a more constant dark vacuum, as soon
as the funding for the extra bulb comes through from the University Senate.

Doctor Wigglebottom is now collaborating with Bell Laboratories on research
into the potential uses of solar shadowlight in driving dark through
power-generating turbines.

* Dark current is measured with an SI unit based upon the number of negative
candelas of light (or positive candelas of dark) emitted from an
appropriately excited black-body object (such as a Nubian woman's brazier,
heated to body temperature, and folded to make a roughly spherical shape),
the 'candelabra'.
%e
*EOA*


%t Prophet Margin, The
%s A history of the Greatest Disciple since... well, Ever!
%a John F De Ryckere  ([e-mail])
%d 19921204
%n 2U15
%i Profit
%i Margin, Prophet Jake
%e
As most beings in the universe already know, Prophet Jake Margin was, and
most likely will always be, the most influential and revered religious figure
of all time.  As opposed to most holy rollers who preached about doing good
to others, this most absolutely irrefutably righteous dude preached about
being good to oneself.  Even, I might add, if it meant being not so good to
your fellow man, insectoid, sentient energy field or what have you.  The good
Prophet originally was one of the more mainstream misguided followers taking
vows of chastity, poverty and other horrible vows.  His religious beliefs
(and the universal economy) were forever changed when he was visited by God
after a nasty fall off of the altar.  As he was convalescing in his hospital
bed with a rather nasty concussion, God visited him (in the form of a talking
bed pan of all things).

The conversation, according to Margin, went as follows:

     God:     Salutations, Margin.  Have I got some news for you!
     Margin:  What?  Who's talking?  Where are you hiding?  Is this Alachoo's
              Funniest Home HoloVids?
     God:     It is I, your God, Margin.  I have brought news of great
              Import.  I am speaking through this bed pan.

At this point Prophet Margin was rapt with attention, although somewhat
dismayed at the form his God would take.

     M:  Are you off your rocker?  God would not take the form of a bed pan!
         Perhaps as a nice potted plant, but a bed pan?  Never!
     G:  I would, and I did.
     M:  Then prove it!
     G:  I know why you fell off of the altar Margin.
     M:  (trembling) Y-you do?
     G:  Yes, I know all.  I would have previously struck you with lightning
         for drunkenness on duty, but this little tidbit changes everything.
     M:  (Astonished)  You must be the real thing.  Heavy.  And I'm to be
         your messenger?  I'm not worthy...
     G:  Yes I know, but good messengers are hard to find these days.  My
         news is this.  All of my disciples must set forth to maximize their
         net worth.  Tell them to become filthy rich at all costs.
     M:  But I thought you said to be rich in spirit, to shun material
         wealth!
     G:  I changed my mind.  I can do that, you know.  Tell them to become
         rich, millionaires even.  They can use whatever means are at their
         disposal.
     M:  Any means?
     G:  Yes, any means.  Suppose you were under the blistering suns of the
         desert world Kunth'k.  You have an ample supply of water, food and
         so on.  Through the desert comes crawling a bedraggled millionaire.
         Days without food and water.  What do you do?
     M:  Why, I give him some of my food and water, of course!  It is the
         right thing to do.
     G:  Screw the right thing!  You take him for all he is worth.  Give him
         food and water, but only after he agrees to relinquish his millions.
     M:  I can't preach that -- it's heresy!
     G:  Well it came from me, so it can't be heresy.  I'll tell you what:
         as my messenger you should be rewarded.  All my followers will have
         to give you ten percent of their wealth.
     M:  Well, I suppose it isn't that bad.  I mean after all, the guy still
         does get food and water.  I suppose in fact a lot more people would
         be willing to help out that fellow.  OK, yeah, I think it's a good
         idea.  A great one in fact!  I'd be delighted to preach your word!
     G:  Oh, by the way, Margin.  Forget the chastity bit as well.  Sex is
         now a valuable commodity.
     M:  Really.  You mean I'm free to have sex?
     G:  Yes, you're free to have sex.  And not just with yourself any more.
     M:  (blushing) Right!

With this, Prophet Margin went into the universe preaching the new and
improved word of God.  He did meet some resistance from the 'old guard' of
the priesthood, but this resistance dwindled as the money from penances
started to earn the converted priests better temples, rectories, and
expensive retreats on the more temperate planets.

All civilizations pay homage to this guy now, even back-water ones such as
that found on Earth.  You will often hear earth-bred humans speak of
maximizing their profit margin.  It may have been a bit corrupted, but the
connection is still obvious!

While the message of Prophet Margin was to have an everlasting effect on
history, the same can not be said for him.  While travelling the vast void of
space he was again visited -- this time by a voice which told him that the
vacuum outside his luxury space-yacht was in fact, quite hospitable.  The
voice was dead wrong.
%e
*EOA*


%t Computerats
%n 2U16
%s Description of the Computerat, an organic computer
%a Steven K. H. Siew  ([e-mail])
%d 19930123
%i Computer, Organic
%e
A lesser known fact of the unknown universe is the existence of organic
computers.  Until fairly recently, most people were under the impression
that computers were made, not evolved; however this myth was later
computed to be utterly false to the sixth heximal place.

On an obscure little planet called Gerdine in the Habsobin star system,
hidden behind the dark Magellan Clouds, there lives a race of creatures
uncommonly known as Computerats.  These creatures were first discovered
by a psychopath serial killer by the name of Sebriga on the run from
Galactic Police about sixty years ago (relative to the time frame of
the Galactic Center).

The first thing that struck the killer when she saw one of the
creatures was a small piece of rock which landed painfully on her
forehead, thrown by the creature's companion which was distressed at the
sight of its mate being sawed in half.  The killer tried to communicate
with the computerat but it failed to understand her peaceful message of
waving her hacksaw in the air.  Instead, the computerat screamed back,
"Nyot diat diat nyot diat diat nyot diat nyot!"

Sebriga then realized that these creatures communicate in binary fashion.
She translated the words as "Nyot" is "1" and "Diat" is "0" [ Ed. note:
it could be the other way around ].  Further observations revealed the
following amazing facts.

First, the creatures are about the size of pigs, but look rather like rats.
The computerats have eight limbs and live on datapacks (another lifeform
on the planet).  Most of the time the computerats are on GOTOs going from
one subroutine to another for no apparent reason, and sometimes suffer
CRASHs with other computerats.  If this should ever happen, the two
computerats would starve to death as follows:

         REPEAT
           CRASHing
         UNTIL the other dies;

But the most interesting aspect of computerats are their sex lives,
which, incidently, pleased Sebriga greatly.

When a computerats enters its reproduction period, its clockrate doubles
from 12 Megalifecycle to 24 Megalifecycle.  This is observed by the fact
that the computerats move and think twice as fast as normal.  The
computerat would find a mate (the computerats are asexual) who is also in
"heat".  It's easy to detect a computerat in heat; its CPU (Central
reProduction Unit) would be so hot that some fear they might melt by its
extreme heat.  The reproduction itself is by BINARY fusion, where the binary
instructions from both computerats merge to produce a new set of
instructions for the newborn computerat.  The greatest danger during this
period is VDU (Virus Downloading Unnotice) or, as some call it, Venereal
Disease Unicode.  This has the effect of both computerats terminating the
processes, aborting the PROGRAM altogether.

Another aspect of the computerats is that they can solve extremely
complex logical problems in microseconds while being stumped for days by
a simple non-logical problem.  Recently there was an illegal trade
involving computerats as replacement parts for mainframe computers; to
this day, the Galactic Police are still trying to capture the mastermind
behind this trade -- a person by the name of Sebriga.
%e
*EOA*


%t Hailing a Taxi on Mars
%n 2U17
%a Scott Bale (a.k.a. Wild Cheese)
%s The local customs of Taxi acquisition
; Author accessible via Alex Miller  ([e-mail])
%d 19930409
%i Taxis, how to summon on Mars
%e
Mars and the many cultures therein, although enlightened, have some weird
quirks.  Among them is the taxi hailing ritual.  Practiced chiefly in the
larger cities of the A'Grumpf'yo ("Wily-Speckled moose-like creatures that
smell of fruit"), it is inevitably a surprise to tourists and rarely
executed the correct way.

The A'Grumpf'yo people believe that a sacrifice must be made to the Martian
god of taxis, Moo.  The proper procedure is to sacrifice a small salad on
the side of the road; this is done by dousing it with gasoline and igniting
it, then beating it to a pulp with a stick.  Although it seems odd to
attempt to sacrifice a salad, which is clearly not a living entity (anymore),
this fact is either lost to the Martians or they refuse to acknowledge it
due to the strength of tradition.

A taxi driver, upon seeing a potential customer waving the maimed salad,
pulls over and the second part of the ritual agreement begins.  The
customer-to-be dons the salad bowl (on his head), sits on the top of the
cab and moos his appreciation to the god Moo; the taxi driver pops the
hood of the car and "feeds" the salad sacrifice to the automobile by
stuffing it in a special tank made for that purpose, which distributes the
scent of the salad incense throughout the vehicle, which supposedly is
found pleasing by Moo.  Gifts are exchanged between the driver and
customer, at which point the driver proceeds to take the customer to his
destination.
%e
*EOA*


%t Soushe Awwl Atissu!
%n 2U18
%s Phrases to know
%a Alexander Lachlan McLintock  ([e-mail])
%d 19930426
%e
The phrase "Soushe Awwl Atissu!" is pronounced in the same way as the
three English words: "All", "Sushi", and "Ah - Tishoo!"  [The observant
among you may of course notice that the word "Sushi" is not English but is
in fact a form of Japanese raw fish, and that "Ah - Tishoo!" is not even a
word at all but more an exclamation of irritation to the nasal passages.]

The origins of this phrase vary depending on which drunk you are talking
to, let alone which pub, planet, time zone, and dimension in time and
space you happen to be in.  The general meaning, however, is remarkably
similar wherever you are and is perhaps one of the most widely-known
phrases in the galaxy.  [The second most widely known "phrase" in the
galaxy is the hand gesture of the clenched fist and out-thrust thumb waving
by a roadside - or galactic spaceway.  The _most_ widely known "phrase" in
the galaxy is the clenched fist with a different digit out-stretched.]

The phrase "Soushe Awwl Atissu!" can be summarized as follows:

          "I really like your t-shirt"

It does have various connotations, usually implied by the t-shirt referred
to.  Examples are:

          "I think it is really funny"
          "I think it is really sick"
          "I totally agree with your political statement"
          "It reminds me of the good TV shows of my youth"
          "It reminds me of the bad TV shows of my youth"
          "It advertises popular music of today"
          "It really compliments your figure"
          "The wet glistening goo dripping off your front makes me want to
           rub my hands all over your [_insert species specifics here_].
           Can I take your t-shirt off and take you home?"

It must be understood that such a phrase as "Soushe Awwl Atissu!" must be
used with care.
%e
*EOA*


%t Cheese
%n 2U19
%s Cheese and the art of Cheese Mining
%a Jason Williams  ([e-mail])
%d 19930504
%i Cheese, Mining of
%x Pizza
%e
Cheese Mining is an ancient and widespread practice that dates back to
when it first started.  Cheese mines are dotted all over the world, such
as the common Cheddar mines, the Dutch Edam and French Brie mines, and
the (until recently, very common) East European anti-personnel mines.

Cheese ore is generated when milk from leaky cows seeps down into the
deeper rock strata and collects in pools.  Over millennia, this milk is
squeezed until it is converted into a solid rocklike form which is utterly
unlike granite.

Cheese ore is mined by a similar process to that used for metals and coal,
and was first carried out in the early Plastocene age by specially trained
rodents, hence the modern day association between cheese and mice.

Once brought to the surface, the ore is ground down into a powdered form
and mixed with sufficient fresh milk to hydrate it, forming a thick paste.
This paste is hammered into blocks using the traditional cheese mallet and
cheese board (precursors to the iron age hammer and anvil - interestingly,
cave-art from the late plastocene age shows animals being hit by falling
cheese boards), typically into a rectangular or cylindrical shape.

The cheese is then left in a damp room to slowly dry out - traditionally,
caves have been used for this purpose.  Use of a really dank cave can
instill in the cheese the rich, full, moldy flavour that cheese connoisseurs
love.

If cheese is dried too quickly, it can develop a crumbly texture.
Similarly, if it is dried too slowly, it can become runny or soft.  Cunning
techniques have allowed some cheeses to develop a tough skin around a soft
or runny interior.

In some regions of the world, high mineral content can result in the release
of gases as the cheese dries, which collect into bubbles, leaving holes
through the cheese.

Some cheeses are most interesting because as they dry, they sweat out
a kind of red wax, which covers the outside of the cheese and gives an
excellent surface on which to stick the label.

These things all combine to produce a marvelous range of cheeses.  Other
cheese varieties have been discovered or invented over the centuries of its
use.  For example, with the introduction of the refrigerator, it suddenly
became possible to grow all kinds of new and exciting molds on the surface
of your cheese, and research into this phenomena produced new flavours of
cheese, including blue vein, which contains injected streaks of living
fungus to add flavour.  Those who survive the eating say it really is quite
nice, if you enjoy eating mold.

In modern times, new technology has emerged which allows a new cheese
product to be manufactured.  Called "processed cheese," it is often sold in
packs of slices, where each slice is individually wrapped in a plastic
sheath.  Just why this is necessary is unknown, as a slice of processed
cheese is the nearest thing to a sheet of shiny yellow plastic as scientists
have been able to produce, except that it is biodegradable.  In fact, not
only does processed cheese look like, feel like, and taste like a sheet of
soft plastic, many fast food chains now insert slices of the stuff between
the buns in a hamburger, in order to stop the buns from sticking together.
This new "non-stick" hamburger is called a cheeseburger, after the
substance which made it possible.  Of course, it costs more than a regular
burger, but the benefits of non-stick buns are well worth it.  Don't be
surprised if you see adverts for the new non-stick frying pan with a
miracle coating of processed cheese.

'O' shaped cheeses were also used for a time on ships as a cheap form
of lifebelt, until it was discovered that cheese does not float.

Before the discovery of penicillin, moldy cheese was used as a cure-all.
It was the "miracle drug" of pre-penicillin days, and would cure almost
anything except for moldy cheese poisoning, which was usually fatal.

An odd side effect of this protection from illness was the ancient belief
that cheese protected ones soul.  Many ancient cultures wore cheese
bracelets and necklaces to guard against evil spirits, which may not have
affected the spirits much, but sure helped repulse any invaders with
olfactory organs.

To this day, the name "cheese" is invoked immediately prior to having a
photo taken, so as to guard against the trapping of the subject's soul.
%e
*EOA*


%t C Language and Unix System are Jokes
%n 2U20
%s News article on C and Unix
%a Ian Dean  ([e-mail])
%d 19930520
%x Computer Malfunctions
%x Program Structure Wars
%i Computer Languages
%i Operating Systems
%e
                 T h e   V O G O N   N e w s   S e r v i c e

VNS TECHNOLOGY WATCH:                       [Mike Taylor, VNS Correspondent]
=====================                       [Littleton, MA, USA            ]

COMPUTERWORLD 1 April

                        CREATORS ADMIT UNIX, C HOAX

    In an announcement that has stunned the computer industry, Ken Thompson,
    Dennis Ritchie, and Brian Kernighan admitted that the Unix operating
    system and C programming language created by them is an elaborate April
    Fools prank kept alive for over 20 years.  Speaking at the recent
    UnixWorld Software Development Forum, Thompson revealed the following:

    "In 1969, AT&T had just terminated their work with the GE/Honeywell/AT&T
    Multics project.  Brian and I had just started working with an early
    release of Pascal from Professor Niklaus Wirth's ETH labs in
    Switzerland and we were impressed with its elegant simplicity and
    power.  Dennis had just finished reading _Bored of the Rings_, a
    hilarious National Lampoon parody of the great Tolkien _Lord of the
    Rings_ trilogy.  As a lark, we decided to do parodies of the Multics
    environment and Pascal.  Dennis and I were responsible for the operating
    environment.  We looked at Multics and designed the new system to be as
    complex and cryptic as possible to maximize casual users' frustration
    levels, calling it Unix as a parody of Multics, as well as other more
    risque allusions.  Then Dennis and Brian worked on a truly warped
    version of Pascal, called 'A'.  When we found others were actually
    trying to create real programs with A, we quickly added additional
    cryptic features and evolved into B, BCPL and finally C.  We stopped
    when we got a clean compile on the following syntax:

    for(;P("\n"),R-;P("|"))for(e=C;e-;P("_"+(*u++/8)%2))P("| "+(*u/4)%2);

    To think that modern programmers would try to use a language that
    allowed such a statement was beyond our comprehension!  We actually
    thought of selling this to the Soviets to set their computer science
    progress back 20 or more years.  Imagine our surprise when AT&T and
    other US corporations actually began trying to use Unix and C!  It has
    taken them 20 years to develop enough expertise to generate even
    marginally useful applications using this 1960's technological parody,
    but we are impressed with the tenacity (if not common sense) of the
    general Unix and C programmer.  In any event, Brian, Dennis and I have
    been working exclusively in Pascal on the Apple Macintosh for the past
    few years and feel really guilty about the chaos, confusion and truly
    bad programming that have resulted from our silly prank so long ago."

    Major Unix and C vendors and customers, including AT&T, Microsoft,
    Hewlett-Packard, GTE, NCR, and DEC have refused comment at this time.
    Borland International, a leading vendor of Pascal and C tools,
    including the popular Turbo Pascal, Turbo C and Turbo C++, stated they
    had suspected this for a number of years and would continue to enhance
    their Pascal products and halt further efforts to develop C.  An IBM
    spokesman broke into uncontrolled laughter and had to postpone a
    hastily convened news conference concerning the fate of the RS-6000,
    merely stating "VM will be available Real Soon Now."  In a cryptic
    statement, Professor Wirth of the ETH institute and father of the
    Pascal, Modula 2, and Oberon structured languages, merely stated that
    P. T. Barnum was correct.

    In a related late-breaking story, usually reliable sources are stating
    that a similar confession may be forthcoming from William Gates
    concerning the MS-DOS and Windows operating environments.  And IBM
    spokesman have begun denying that the Virtual Machine (VM) product is
    an internal prank gone awry.
    {COMPUTERWORLD 1 April}
    {contributed by Bernard L. Hayes}

   <><><><><><><>  VNS Edition : 2336   Tuesday  4-Jun-1991  <><><><><><><>
%e
*EOA*


%t Compression Sort Transform
%n 2U21
%s The new Sort Transform data compression algorithm explained
%a Jason Williams  ([e-mail])
%d 19930510
%x Binary
%x Poke and Hope Programming
%e
Recent developments in data compression technology, such as the JPEG scheme,
have mostly involved using existing compression techniques on data after
passing it through a special transform which renders the data more
compressible.

Most of us have heard of discrete cosine transforms, wavelet transforms,
and power transformers, but a new field of compression transform technology
is rapidly emerging - the Compression Sort Transform.

The mathematical complexity of this type of transform is extremely high,
demanding an IQ of at least 60 for basic comprehension, so we will not
indulge in details in this article, but refer the topmost 2% of our
readership to interesting background material by D.E. Knuth in _The Art of
Computer Programming Volume III: Sorting and Searching_, and _Well I'll be
damned, It Works!_ by S. Woolford.

The basic principle of the Compression Sort Transform goes like this:

Text and data, says Woolford, is typically stored as bytes of information.
Normally, if we compress this information, the sudden changes of byte values
in a sentence or across an X-rated picture confuse even the best compression
algorithms, often resulting in poor compression performance, and frustration
when you can only fit 5 X-rated pictures onto a disc.

However, if we sort the bytes making up our data by ascending value, the
file is rearranged into 256 zones of data, such that _all_ of the bytes in
each zone are equal.

A simple pass over this data with a modified run-length compression engine
(details of which we are unable to disclose) will result in any file of up
to 4 Gigabytes being compressed to 1024 bytes.  With a smart compressor,
most files can be reduced to even less than this.

Researchers are currently working on using a binary adaptation of this
algorithm which sorts bits instead of bytes.  Once operational, this method
should be able to compress any binary stream of up to 4 billion bits into
less than 8 bytes of storage!

Unlike many other transforms, the exact value of each byte or bit is
entirely preserved by the compression, so the compression is not "lossy,"
a significant advantage.

The beauty of this system lies in its speed and quality -- products are
already available which replace the Full Sort Transform and run-length
compression passes with a single "Accumulator" pass which approximates the
full transform reasonably well (exactly, in fact), and executes extremely
quickly.

New products using early prototypes based upon this technique are already
flooding the data compression market, and millions of computer users are
benefitting from the sudden huge gain in data storage capacity.  Hard drive
manufacturers have resumed the manufacture of 5MB drives, and already some
large drive manufacturers have announced the cessation of products of more
than 20MB capacity, regarding such large capacities as "pointless in the
light of new data compression technologies."

The newly formed Las Stinken Richos research establishment in Rio de Janeiro
stated in a recent press release: "A decompressor for the Sort Transform
compression algorithm is forthcoming."
%e
*EOA*


%t Poke and Hope Programming
%n 2U22
%a Jason Williams ([e-mail])
%s A painless programming method, requiring only 3 IQ points
%d 19930510
%i Computer Programming, Poke and Hope
%x Binary
%x Compression Sort Transform
%e
Poke and Hope programming is a mainstay of the computer programming
industry.  It has been used since the early days of punched card program
storage, evolving from the more primitive technique of that decade known as
"Punch and Hope."

The principle tenet of Poke and Hope is rather simple -- if your program
does not work, you must poke a random number into the binary or change
a few constants by random amounts, and then re-execute the program to see if
this has a helpful effect.

This may sound a bit haphazard at first, but a master of this technique can
achieve astounding results by applying more of the Poke and less of the
Hope.  An inspired Poke is rumoured to have been responsible for the
unrepeatable creation of an artificial intelligence at a research
establishment on the moon of Swaybar IV (though informed sources now suggest
that is a load of bollocks, and that it was actually a secret military base,
not a research establishment).

A related advance in computer programming techniques is a program-writing
program currently being executed and trialed by the Instituziontechnikal
Das Intellectutinkerplonker Oberhausfrau Turberspitsenbergen.  This program
generates a sequence of random instructions and then transfers control to
each instruction in turn to see if they do anything useful.

The real trick apparently lies in teaching the program to recognize useful
when it sees it.  Initial results, although a little slow to arrive, show
promise, including an astoundingly user friendly (and soon to be
commercially released) product codenamed "EDLIN.EXE."
%e
*EOA*


*
* End of file:  UREAL01.NEW
*