Computer Buyer 1997 January/dpcb197.iso/business/a1share/41411.ZIP/SREAL01.OLD

Text File | 1993-09-07 | 73KB | 1,549 lines

*
* ARCHIVE: SREAL01.NEW (Semi-Real Articles)
*
* DATE: 09/07/93
*
* EDITOR(S):
*
*        Editor   1 : Paul J. Clegg  ([e-mail])
*        Editor   2 : Steve Baker  ([e-mail])
*
* NUMBER OF ARTICLES: 25
*


*
*
*   1S1    -- Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster - Terran Version
*   1S2    -- Chess
*   1S4    -- Definitely Correct Speech
*   1S5    -- Hell
*   2S1    -- Infinity
*   2S2    -- Light
*   2S3    -- Democracy, Problems with
*   2S4    -- What To Do When Your Elected Head of State...
*   2S5    -- Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Earth
*   2S6    -- Australia, Earth
*   2S7    -- Dark Suckers
*   2S8    -- JSP
*   2S9    -- Library Theft
*   2S10   -- Sweden, a Guide for the newly-landed alien
*   2S11   -- Watermelons
*   2S12   -- Work
*   2S13   -- Alien Identification
*   2S14   -- Alien Elimination
*   2S15   -- Kansas City, Missouri, USA, Earth
*   2S16   -- Pizza
*   2S17   -- Plagiarism
*   2S18   -- Moose Watching
*   2S19   -- Moon, The
*   2S20   -- Mars
*   2S21   -- Binary
*
*


%t Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster -- Terran Version
%n 1S1
%s Gargle Blaster recipe using Terran ingredients
%a Lloyd T. Rich  ([e-mail])
%d 19900512
%x Earth
%i Gargle Blaster - Earth/Terran Version
%e
Alcohol - liquor, booze, drinks, grog, moonshine, spirits, whiskey,
Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

During their travels through the galaxy, the galactic hitchhiker will
sometimes find that some item that is desired may be unavailable, so it
will have to be replaced with what is available.  According to the
_Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_, the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is
the best drink in existence.

According to Douglas Adams' _Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy_, it was
invented by the President of the Galaxy (Imperial Galactic Government),
Zaphod Beeblebrox.  Unfortunately, the ingredients for it are not available
on some planets.  This being the case on Planet Earth (Terra), a galactic
hitchhiker known as TimeLoyd endeavored to create one using Terran
ingredients.

With the help of some buckskinners who will drink anything that is in a
jug (at a gathering recreating those of the early 19th Century mountain
men), he created a mixture similar to a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster,
after which, the bottom fell out of the jug.  Note:  Unless you are an
android with an indestructible stomach, liver and digestive system,
handle very, very carefully, and be sure to keep it away from fire.  It
has been suggested as a possible spaceship fuel.

To make a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster using Terran ingredients:

Take the liquid contained in a 200 ml bottle of EverClear to remind you
that your head will be clear forever if you drink too many Pan Galactic
Gargle Blasters, and that your brain will clear of anything soon after
you start drinking some, if not before.

Into it, slowly pour a 750 ml bottle of Bombay Sapphire to remind you
of the marvelous beauty of the old Santraginean seas, or an equal amount
of Jeremiah Weed in acknowledgement of what has happened to the
Santraginean Seas and their lifeforms.

Now add 750 ml of Cold Wild Turkey, letting it run into the mixture as we
run through life to remind us of all the lifeforms we meet and experience
while hitchhiking through the galaxy.

Speedily stirring, add 375 ml of Herradua Tequila, mixing it in to
commemorate the galactic hitchhikers who died of pleasure among the
vapors and gasses in the marshes of Fallia.

Over the bowl of a silver spoon, let flow 1 liter of rum in memory of
the waterfalls and their glorious rainbows encountered on your journeys
through the galaxy of life.

Next, drop in the worm found in a bottle of Musquil, watching it dissolve
into the mixture.  If the bottom falls out and the worm survives, drink
at your own risk.

Finally, sprinkle into the mixture some Gatorade to commemorate the
lifeforms which have vanished and are becoming extinct, both sentient and
non-sentient, especially those most in need of aid.

If this many Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters are too many for the number of
people you think you are, mix together the following amounts of
ingredients as described above for a single serving.

         1) 1 oz. EverClear
         2) 4 oz. Bombay Sapphire or Jeremiah Weed
         3) 4 oz. Cold Wild Turkey
         4) 2 oz. Herredura Tequila
         5) 5 oz. Rum
         6) 1     worm from bottle of Mezcla
         7) 2 oz. Gatorade

This makes one approximately 18 ounce Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.  The
reason this drink seems so large is that Zaphod Beeblebrox has two heads,
so when he created it, it came out to 9 ounces per head, so both were
happy.

Before drinking, eat one olive to create a sweetness in it which is not
there.

Drink very, very extremely carefully at your own risk, and remember where
your towel is (if you can).

Submitter's note: This recipe has been placed into the public domain by
the author, and was previously published in "Mostly Harmless," the
fanzine of the ZZ9 Plural Zed Alpha fan club, Brighton, England.
%e
*EOA*


%t Chess
%n 1S2
%s A game with much terminology
%a Jason Corley  ([e-mail])
%d 19921012
%e
Chess is a game involving 64 squares and 32 pieces which invariably
end up on the wrong squares.

The most powerful piece in chess is the queen, the only female piece
on the board.  There have been many explanations linking this feminist
slant to the high number of young men with thick glasses and skin
problems who play chess, none of which have been conclusive.

Other chess pieces include the King, a reference to Elvis Presley;
the Pawn, who represents the determinist worldview (as in, "We are all
just pawns of fate waiting to get to the back rank"); the Rook, a small
bird; the Knight, opposite of The Daye; and the Bishop, the origin of
which is unknown.  There are 2 conflicting theories as to the origin of
the Bishop:  1.  The long-dead original inventors of chess were extra-
ordinarily prescient, or 2.  Priests, preachers and televangelists have
always been warlike, violent and tricky.

Popular openings in chess include The King's Gambit, The Queen's Gambit,
The Latvian, The Ruy Lopez, The Schliemann, The Orangoutang, The Vulture,
The Four Knights, The Three Knights, The Scotch, The Basmania, The Center
Counter, The Dumb Move, The Pre-Game Psyche-Out, and the Coronary
Thrombosis.

Popular closings, or endgames, in chess include The Win, The Loss, The
Draw, The Stalemate, The Loss On Time, The Quantum Collapse, The Refusal
To Go On, The Sudden Death, and The Sudden Death.
%e
*EOA*


%t Definitely Correct Speech
%n 1S4
%s How to Speak Your Mind and Live to Tell About It
%a Dennis Holmes  ([e-mail])
%d 19930121
%i DCS
%i DC Speech
%e
At some time, all hitchhikers are going to eventually find themselves with
the inescapable need to verbally communicate with some other being.  This is
usually quite dangerous, the type of thing that television personalities with
less intelligence and coordination than a falling bowl of petunias tell you
not to try at home even though you couldn't possibly try it at home because
the task in question involves being suspended over a half-mile deep canyon
without a towel while handcuffed to Rosanne Arnold.  We therefore provide
some handy tips for making the experience, if not more pleasant, then at
least survivable.

The first thing to know is that the particular language you speak is not
terribly important, Babel fish or no Babel fish, since no one will actually
be listening to the content of your speech.  People will have already made up
their minds about what you are going to say long before you begin speaking,
and it is this meaning which will govern any replies or reactions to your
statements; indeed, one might begin to wonder why it was that this
conversation needed to be had in the first place.  This should be carefully
considered before proceeding, as it may just be possible to avoid the entire
incident after all.  You should therefore speak in the tongue most familiar
to you in order to reserve your concentration for more important matters such
as how to get the last word in as quickly as possible.

With all the latest hype about being culturally correct, socially correct,
environmentally correct, politically correct, and anatomically correct, it is
vital to understand the importance of being right no matter what the cost.
In fact, experts estimate that nearly every war in the galaxy has been caused
by someone being wrong.  It is recommended that the modern hitchhiker employ
the increasingly popular style known as Definitely Correct Speech.  The basic
technique is that everything you say must be absolutely, precisely,
unquestionably correct or, when this is not convenient, so wildly inaccurate
as to make the thought of denial utterly preposterous.

The best place to find examples of the proper use of Definitely Correct
Speech is in the Guide.  The very idea of disputing anything published in the
Guide is downright unthinkable and would likely be followed by heavy
lawsuits, commitment of the individual or organization to a sanitarium, and
probably a lynching.  Another excellent source is employees of the telephone
company, although engaging in conversation with one of these beings is highly
discouraged.
%e
*EOA*


%t Hell
%n 1S5
%s Don't go there.
%a Vincent Joseph Shuta  ([e-mail])
%d 19921229
%x New York City, New York, USA, Earth
%i Hades
%e
No matter how many people tell you to go to Hell, don't.  At no
place in the space time continuum is it a pleasant place:  It was
lousy since it opened and there are no plans for improvement.

The actual description of the place varies from religion to
religion and planet to planet, and is based mostly on hearsay.
The one thing they agree uniformly is that it's set up to make
you unhappy and is thus a place to avoid.

If you still feel compelled by the amazing number of people who
tell you to go there, remember that people are not always
concerned with what's in your best interest.  Also, analyze your
behavior for elements which could be misconstrued as aggravating.
%e
*EOA*


%t Infinity
%s It's really confusing.
%a Mark Anthony Young  ([e-mail])
%n 2S1
%d 19911201
%i Really Big
%x Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster -- Terran Version
%e
It's not surprising that people in this forum are confused about infinity.

It's hard to reconcile infinity so most of us don't even try.  We just
marvel for a while, then wander off find a party so we don't have to think
about it.  After a few Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters, the incipient panic
goes away, and we really start to enjoy ourselves.

Unfortunately, the problem of understanding infinity gets left to people
with absolutely no social skills, so even if they did show up at the
party (unlikely, since who'd invite them?) and even if they did try to
explain it (likely, since, as I said, they have absolutely no social
skills and are completely oblivious to the fact that you're really
trying to be alone with that fabulous being in the kitchen and don't give
a pair of fetid dingo's kidneys what they have to say) you wouldn't learn
anything because that fabulous being would start talking to someone else
and you'd turn on your tormenter and say "Yeah, we figured that out last
week and it's going to be published in a really keen journal so eat your
heart out" and stomp off to the bar without having heard a word they said.

So have some sympathy for these poor benighted people who don't understand
infinity.  They've got terrible hangovers and didn't get laid.
%e
*EOA*


%t Light
%n 2S2
%s A scientific study of light in our dimension.
%a Craig Hill  ([e-mail])
%d 19920409
%x Infinity
%x Dark Suckers
%x Shadowlight
%e
Light, according to really froody philosophers, is a severe lack of darkness;
but as everybody else knows it's just ..., well it just is.  Although its own
existence is under question, light is known to be the most important thing in
the universe (except for Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters) so this ultimate guide
HAS to cover it somewhere.  This being the case, I talked to some of the
galaxy's leading light scientists and they had this to say:

 - Light is called light because that is what it is.  I put 3 kg of light on
   my kitchen scales last week and it weighed nothing.  As this clearly
   shows, light is the ultimate in lightness, so it just has to be called
   "light".

 - This is ridiculous, how can you seriously examine light when it does not
   even exist?  There are two theories as to what light is, but they are both
   clearly (I'm not sure how anything can be clear without light) a load of
   fetid dingoes kidneys.

   Theory 1: Light is made up of waves - I have seen plenty of light (yes he
     can see things that don't exist) and I have never seen it wave to me.  I
     am a very friendly sort of guy so anything that is a wave and still will
     not wave to me can't exist.

   Theory 2: Light is made up of matter particles - As somebody else said, 'I
     put 3 kg of light on my kitchen scales and it weighed nothing';
     something that weighs nothing obviously can't exist, so light can't
     exist either.

 - Let me go, I couldn't care less about light.  This is Milliways, and I
   want to watch the end of everything.  Be reasonable, if I can write a
   report on something like this, they will have to give me a knighthood and
   a Nobel Prize.  I might even find some females who will talk to me.
   (Don't blame me, I talked to him but he wouldn't co-operate.  20th Century
   Earth scientists always were a problem.)

 - Light is the definitive subject of all science.  Light defines the maximum
   speed for all matter (play in a Total Perspective Vortex for a while and
   you will realize that nothing matters though - that's why the principles
   of improbability physics and the Bistromathic drive work so well).
   Without light, nothing can exist; everything would be a black hole, and
   that is about as exciting as infinity according to a certain hyper-
   intelligent shade of blue.  Shade of blue - that is a color - which
   requires light - I've done it, I've proved that light exists.  (He was a
   little eccentric, but something in all of that must be right.)

             'But one thing is true - light always behaves like light.'
                       -- my Year 12 Physics teacher.
%e
*EOA*


%t Problems With Democracy
%s The worst form of government, but better than the rest.
%n 2S3
%a Loren Haarsma, Andrew Mark Kuchling  ([e-mail])
%d 19920210
%i Politics
%i Democracy, Problems With
%x What To Do When Your Elected Head Of State Embarrasses You
%e
Perhaps the biggest problem with Democracy is that people tend to get exactly
the government that they deserve.

For example, in many modern-day democracies, the people claim that they want
their government to operate under a balanced budget, when in fact this is the
farthest thing from the truth.  What the people really want, as they
repeatedly demonstrate from their voting, is decreased taxes and increased
government spending -- particularly when it comes to government projects
which directly benefit themselves.  Professional politicians, if by nothing
else than by a simple Darwinian processes, are very good at perceiving such
things, and give the people exactly want: huge government deficits.

For example, in every present and past democracy, the people always claim
that they want politicians who will not accept bribes, when in fact this is
the farthest thing from the truth.  What the people really want, as they
repeatedly demonstrate from the voting, is politicians who will spending huge
amounts of money on multi-media campaigns to win votes, who will spend
massive amounts of time coming to their towns to speak to the local rotary
club or school (for a fee), and who will spend massive amounts of time
influencing legislation to win government contracts for local businesses.

There are, of course, many other problems with democracy.

THE MEDIA: In all known democracies, the media flourishes.

POLLS: One way in which the media attempts to tell people what to think is by
attempting to tell them what they are thinking.  If you read the previous
sentence again, you will understand it.  Fortunately, the results of these
polls invariably conflict with each other and with reality, so that prolonged
exposure builds up immunities.

POLLSTERS: They work for the media.

LITIGATION: People who live in a democracy, since they believe they have some
influence over the law, tend to extrapolate this into the belief that the law
means whatever they want it to mean.  (The media probably plays a role in
this, though we are not exactly sure how.)  Therefore, they will sue the
owner of a dog who left a bone on a sidewalk upon which they stubbed their
toe, causing them to spill their coffee on themselves, for the price of a new
bathrobe plus $1,000,000 for mental stress.

LAWYERS: They come with litigation.  Experiments show that when the
population of lawyers reaches certain critical densities, they force society
to undergo a phase transition which causes the population of lawyers to grow
even faster.  Science has not yet found a solution to this problem.

FREE SPEECH: In a democracy, you will incessantly be subjected to hearing
the ideas, speculation, and bizarre prognostications of everyone around you.
The media multiplies this problem a thousandfold.

TRIAL BY JURY: When one is accused by the state of a crime, the second
scariest thought you can have is that you will be tried by a jury of your
peers.  The only thing scarier than this is to be tried WITHOUT a jury of
your peers.

WEAPONRY: The only thing scarier than a democratically elected government
which allows its citizens to own sophisticated weaponry is a democratically
elected government which does NOT allow its citizens to own sophisticated
weaponry.

In a non-democratic society, the ordering of these two concepts is reversed.

ECONOMICS:  Because the public thinks it can affect the government's
economic policies, it demands economic information.  The media gives it to
them.  This results in the publishing of page after page of little numbers
and letters, graphs of important economic indicators such as the widths of
ties and lengths of skirts, degrees in Business Administration, and
articles on scandals at Deposit Insurance Corporations entitled
"Tricky DICs."

No solution to any of these problems has yet been found.  Many have been
tried and suggested: oligarchy, theocracy, dictatorship, and school boards.
Most of these begin with some members of the population killing others to
show the flaws of the old political structure; they then continue killing
others to show that society's structures are independent of individuals.
Such governments usually end with some members of the population killing
others to demonstrate their dissatisfaction with the executive branch of
government, and indeed also the legislative, corporate, and street-
cleaning branches.  This does not make for a solution unless, of course,
the individuals killed are all in the legal profession.
%e
*EOA*


%t What To Do When Your Elected Head Of State Embarrasses You
%s Keep reminding yourself, "You could have done worse."
%n 2S4
%a Loren Haarsma, Andrew Mark Kuchling  ([e-mail])
%d 19920210
%x Problems With Democracy
%e
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR ELECTED HEAD OF STATE EMBARRASSES YOU BY...

          1) ...TRAVELING TO ANOTHER COUNTRY AND TRYING TO FORCE THAT COUNTRY
             TO ACCEPT THE BLAME FOR YOUR SOCIAL/ECONOMIC/MORAL PROBLEMS OF
             YOUR DEVISING.

             Consider how lucky you are that you didn't elect a Head of State
             with no foreign policy experience whatsoever.

          2) ...MAKING SPEECHES DURING WHICH THEY PROPOSE THAT THE BEST WAY
             TO SOLVE NATIONAL ECONOMIC/SOCIAL/HEALTH/EDUCATIONAL PROBLEMS IS
             FOR INDIVIDUALS TO CHANGE THEIR BEHAVIOR, RATHER THAN BY
             SPENDING GOVERNMENT MONEY.

             Consider the fact that they are probably correct, especially
             when you take into account the fundamental nature of politics,
             governments, and bureaucracies.

          3) ...CHOOSING A VICE-HEAD-OF-STATE WHOSE PRIMARY QUALITY IS WIDELY
             CONSIDERED (REGARDLESS OF THE TRUTH OF THE PERCEPTION) TO BE
             THEIR ABILITY TO SUPPLY STAND-UP COMEDIANS WITH MATERIAL.

             Support weapons control legislation.  Contribute to medical
             research.

          4) ...  SPENDS INORDINATE AMOUNTS OF TIME AND MONEY ON OBSCURE
             LEGAL QUESTIONS REGARDING THE CONSTITUTION.

             Remember that a dollar spent on satellite links between Moose
             Jaw, Saskatchewan and Goose Bay, Newfoundland is a dollar not
             spent on curtains for the Head of State's mother's friend's
             house.

          5) ...  CARRIES OUT MONUMENTALLY STUPID POLICIES, RESULTING IN S/HE
             BEING LESS POPULAR THAN CLINICALLY INSANE MEMBERS OF THE KLU
             KLUX KLAN, GREEN VEST SOCIETY, OR THE DECALEGGED BEING
             LIBERATION FRONT.

             Swallow your principles and fight for the incumbent incompetent.

          6) ...  CARRIES OUT MONUMENTALLY STUPID POLICIES AND ACTIONS,
             RESULTING IN S/HE LOSING AN ELECTION TO CLINICALLY INSANE
             MEMBERS OF THE KLU KLUX KLAN, GREEN VEST SOCIETY, OR THE
             DECALEGGED BEING LIBERATION FRONT.

             Move to somewhere relaxingly idyllic and safe, like a naked
             singularity.

          7) ...  MAKES COMMENTS ABOUT POLLUTION-CAUSING TREES, RADIATION
             BEING GOOD FOR THE SINUSES, AND BOMBING THE ENEMY BACK TO THE
             PRE-CABLE AGE.

             Celebrate the fact that you have a Head of State capable of
             hiring a great many advisors and then ignoring them completely.
%e
*EOA*


%t Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Earth
%n 2S5
%s A non-tourist's view of Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Earth
%a Daniel Bowen  ([e-mail])
%d 19920624
%x Australia, Earth
%x Earth
%e
Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Earth, is in Australia, on Earth, which
partially if not totally accounts for its name as such.  Melbourne,
Victoria, Australia (we shall avoid overuse of the term "Earth" as it tends
to confuse locals from that particular neck-of-the-galaxy), should not be
confused with Melbourne, Florida, USA.  Melbourne, Florida was actually
named after Melbourne, Victoria, Australia by a local of the latter.

Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, was in turn named after a certain member of
the British aristocracy of the 1800's (Earth time) named Lord Melbourne.
This may be of no consequence whatsoever, but certain historical
experts have debated this fact, and maintain that as their jobs depend
on it, it is important for historical facts such as this to be
preserved until at least tea-time.

Melbourne is a little bit famous for its trams, which can confuse it at
first glance with Seattle, Washington, USA.  This is because Seattle
managed to purchase some of Melbourne's trams during the 1980s.  Trams
are big wooden (generally) green things on wheels that roll down
streets of their own accord.  They live by few rules, excepting that
they do tend to stick to their tracks, although their reliance on such
concepts as "timetables" is doubtful.  In any case, trams carry people
who don't know where they want to go, somewhere, thus avoiding any
problems with packs of roaming people who don't know where they want to
go.

Melbourne is also famous for its gardens.  Indeed, the state of which
Melbourne is a capital, Victoria, which is also named after a certain
member of the British aristocracy of the 1800's, is also known as the
"Garden State".  For some time, this epitaph has appeared on car license
plates in the state, which may be somewhat ironic given the unfortunate
spread of freeways around the city in recent years.

Melbourne, being the capital of the gardenish state of Victoria, is
therefore the seat of the state government.  At the time of writing, it
is not a particularly good state government, but many locals will claim
that they can never remember a particularly good state government, so
it probably doesn't matter much.  The next state government probably
won't be particularly good either.

The only other slightly interesting thing to relate about Melbourne is
that it is known for its comedy.  Why this is is not apparent at first
glance, but most of the populace claim that what with the rotten
weather, government, economic crisis, etc., Melbourne people of all
people need something to laugh about.
%e
*EOA*


%t Australia, Earth
%n 2S6
%s A short look at Australia, Earth
%a Daniel Bowen  ([e-mail])
%d 19920625
%i Down Under
%x Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Earth
%x Earth
%e
While Australia, Earth, is well known by many humans as being the home
of the "Crocodile Dundee" movies, most Australians know Australia as
being the place where they live, or the place where they come from.

A famous writer, the name of which is insignificant, and un-remembered,
once wrote of Australia:

          I love a sunburnt country,
          A land of sweeping plains,
          Of rugged mountain ranges,
          Of droughts, and flooding rains.

While this may not be a work of literary genius, or take into account
the very high proportion of Australians who prefer to live in sprawling
cities than in sweeping plains or mountain ranges, it is remarkable how
the first three lines align like that, isn't it?

Amongst the leagues of completely unknown and unimportant Australians
are some well-known and unimportant ones, such as (in no apparent
order):

          1) Paul Hogan - alleged actor and wife-deserter
          2) Clive James - humorist who prefers living in Britain
          3) Nicole Kidman - actress who married Tom Cruise and
             subsequently found a Hollywood career
          4) Elle MacPherson - bimbo
          5) Mel Gibson - alleged actor II
          6) Greg Norman - Australian golfer with an American accent
          7) Peter Garrett (of Midnight Oil) - bald singer who can't
             dance
          8) Michael Hutchence (of INXS) - hairy singer
          9) Kylie Minogue - bimbo singer and bad soapie actress
          10) Olivia Newton John - former bimbo singer and "Grease"
              star.  Ugh.
          11) Peter Allen - bad cabaret singer, whose singing improved
              remarkably when he died in 1992
          12) the entire casts of "Neighbors", "Home and Away", "A
              Country Practice", "Young Doctors" and "Prisoner", all of
              whom have terrorized Great Britain for some time now with
              their cheap and very bad soap operas

This list has only included a few people.  There are about seventeen
million more.  If you are thinking of joining them (i.e., immigrating, from
either another country on Earth, or from somewhere else in the galaxy),
think twice.  Then do it anyway.
%e
*EOA*


%t Dark Suckers
%n 2S7
%s The theory of dark suckers
%a Jesper Hogstrom
%d 19920510
%x Shadowlight
%x Light
%i Particles Of Darkness
%i Energy From Darkness
%i Light Bulbs
%i Electric Bulbs
%x Fire
%e
For years it was believed that electric bulbs emitted light.  However,
recent information has proven otherwise.  Electric bulbs do not emit
light, they suck dark.  Thus we will now call these bulbs dark suckers.
The dark sucker theory, according to a spokesperson, proves the existence
of dark, that dark has a mass heavier than light, and that dark is faster
than light.

The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.
Take for example the dark suckers in the room where you are.  There is
less dark right next to them than it is elsewhere.  The larger the
dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.  Dark suckers in a
parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room.
As with all things dark suckers don't last forever.  Once they are
full of dark they can no longer suck.  This is proven by the black
spot on a full dark sucker.

A candle is a primitive dark sucker.  A new candle has a white wick.
You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black,
representing all the dark which has been sucked into it.  If you hold
a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn
black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle.

Unfortunately, today's primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.
There are also portable dark suckers.  These bulbs can't handle all of
the dark themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit.  When
the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced
before the portable dark sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass.  When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this
mass generates heat.  Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark
sucker.  Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in
the solid wick instead of through glass.  This generates a great
amount of heat.  Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating
candle.

Dark is also heavier than light.  If you swim deeper and deeper, you
notice it gets slowly darker and darker.  When you reach approximately
fifty feet, you are in total darkness.  This is because the heavier
dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to
the top.

The immense power of the dark can be utilized to man's advantage.  We
can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push
it through turbines which generates electricity and helps push dark to
the ocean, where it may be safely stored.  Prior to turbines, it was
much more difficult to get dark from rivers and lakes to the ocean.

The Indians recognized this problem and tried to solve it.  When on a
river in a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow of dark,
they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when
they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to
help the dark along its way.

Finally we must prove that dark is faster than light.  If you were to
stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then
slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the
closet, but since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the
dark leave the closet.

In conclusion, it has been stated that dark suckers make our lives much
easier, so the next time you look at an electric bulb, remember that
it is indeed a dark sucker.
%e
*EOA*


%t JSP
%n 2S8
%s Why use JSP when you can eat spaghetti?
%a Mazda Imperfekt  ([e-mail])
%d 19920928
%i Administration Technology
%i Jackson's Structured Programming
%e
If you are fond of JSP, then stop reading now since this entry will
seriously disrupt your sense of structure.

To the not-so-well-educated computer-freak-who-wants-to-know-it-all type,
the whole concept of JSP may be very alien (Great movie!), but we will try
to straighten those things out right away.

JSP stands for Jackson's Structured Programming, and is a way to develop
structured programs for administration and such "large" applications.  It
was developed by a guy named ... Jackson ?, who thought it would be a great
idea to torture students with a totally incomprehensible way of thinking.

JSP complicates the fine art of software development into a huge mass of
strange, white, rectangular "things" with some strange symbols on it (paper
to the rest of us).  Why even try to get some "structure" by using the so-
called "only" way of structured programming when you can use something so
enormously more tasty like spaghetti programming!  I am not Italian, but
I must state that spaghetti tastes a lot better than those white,
rectangular things!

And if this would not be enough to convert even the most dedicated JSP'er,
the enormous mass of those white, rectangular thingies, converted into
Spaghetti, would create a mountain of Pasta similar to the Great Spaghetti-
Bolognese Hive at Berghioningha IV.  No!  I say to hell with JSP and give
us more PASTA!

Hasta la Pasta!
%e
*EOA*


%t Library Theft
%n 2S9
%s It's terribly difficult and not very lucrative.
%a Mark Anthony Young  ([e-mail])
%d 19911212
%q However I haven't been able to track down Neil Gaimen's _Don't
%q Panic_... I went to my local library but I guess it was stolen a few
%q years ago and they haven't bothered to replace it.
%r Mindy McKaig -- [e-mail]
%e
Now why would anyone want to steal a library?  It's not a particularly
useful piece of architecture, if you're not inclined to reading (as all of
the more notorious criminals are not).  It won't do as a discotheque
because the rather severe looking old ladies who inhabit it would be
constantly shushing the band.  You can't turn it into an Italian restaurant
because of the strict "No Food" rules.  (Were you to violate this rule the
little old ladies would not stop at mere shushing.  They would quickly
escalate to tut-tutting and shortly thereafter to violent huffing.  Before
long the place would sound like an asthmatic in an echo chamber and that
would put you right off your lunch.)

Not only is the building useless, but it would be difficult to abscond
with.  They are usually rather large and so cannot be slipped into the
inner coat pocket, nor even the outer coat pockets of the Titans (had the
Titans even worn coats, which is doubtful since they lived back in the days
when people were proud to stand out in the cold and say "It doesn't bother
me one bit that the icy wind is cutting through my thin garments and
chilling me to the bone, nor that the freezing rain is covering my body and
forming icicles on my chin and nose (and other parts of me that shall
remain nameless), for I am a Titan, and we laugh at discomfort and thrill
to pain and generally live short and squalid lives.")  Libraries are also
usually made of stone (pre-victorian buildings that no one could think of
anything useful to do with), or of brick (a material that wins big in the
upkeep department but generally inspires onlookers to say "Yech.  What a
horribly ugly building.  Shouldn't something be done to spruce it up, like
maybe covering it with a landfill site or aluminum siding?").  These
materials are very heavy and thus should only be placed in specially
re-enforced containers such as dry-docks or fruit-cake tins.

It is for these reasons that there has only ever been one library theft
ring in the history of the galaxy.  Ooblig Rastablaghan (of the Oogarieth V
Rastablaghans) masterminded the theft of seven hundred libraries from the
planet Malik IX.  The crime was particularly pointless, because the people
of Malik IX do not have any language, and thus no books (thus any vacant
building on Malik IX is automatically designated a library (the Malixians,
while not having language, do have a highly developed system of
mathematics, and take the concept of "vacuously true" very seriously)).
The theft was only discovered when the buildings were required to meet the
increasing demand for shoe stores.  The perpetrator was arrested, but Malik
IX passed the shoe event horizon before he could be tried.  Ooblig is still
in custody on the prison planet Malik VIII.  His lawyers have prepared a
writ of habeas corpus, but it cannot be filed until a new civilization
arises on Malik IX to deal with it.

When asked why he had done it, Ooblig replied:  "Yeah, well, you know."
The questioner was immediately arrested as an accomplice and shares
Ooblig's cell on Malik VIII.
%e
*EOA*


%t Sweden, Earth
%s A small guide to the newly arrived extraterrestrial
%a Mazda Imperfekt  ([e-mail])
%n 2S10
%d 19920928
%x Earth
%e
Greetings, fellow hitchhiker!

Sweden, the home of the brave (or was that USA?), is situated way up in
the northern wilderness of Scandinavia.  Packed between its two neighbors,
Finland and Norway (remember those lovely fjords!), Sweden tries to
maintain a sort of egoistic we-know-best-in-everything attitude towards
everyone else on Terra, but no-one ever takes any notice of them anyway.

One of the things Sweden is famous for (one of the few!) is the Volvo car
(a very primitive form of transportation made out of a lot of heavy metal
which is driven forward by four wheels propelled by a primitive combustion
engine. In fact, the only more primitive invention on Earth is the system of
currency.  Just imagine, to use little fragile paper-thingies as currency.
No wonder there are frequent economical crises!).

The very funny inhabitants of Sweden are called Swedes.  They are a very
bureaucratical people indeed!  One other thing a Swede can't handle is the
booze.  They live a dull, grey, bureaucratical life all week and party on
the weekends.  And boy, do they party!  They have even mounted an expression
called SSIB.  This stands for "Supa Skallen I Bitar" which literally means
to drink until your head explodes.  This they do frequently (drink booze,
not blow up their heads).

One of their biggest and most used exports is the Absolute Vodka, which
comes in very different flavors.  It is not as strong as a Pan Galactic
Gargle Blaster, but more akin to the Super-Quasi Literal Philosophic Tea
(oh!  That Super-Quasi Literal Philosophic Tea).

If you are going to be friendly to a Swede... don't waste your time.  They
are very afraid of foreigners and aliens.  And what ever you do, never tell
them you are from another planet or country!  They will immediately examine
if you have the right to be here, or if you are... an illegal alien!

Some things a Swede NEVER does...

        *   Help a old woman over the street - That is what the Social
                                               Service is for...

        *   Be friendly to a alien           - They are probably criminals
                                               the lot!

        *   Take help from another           - "What!  You wanna help me?
                                               What's the catch?  Do I have
                                               to pay you?  What do YOU
                                               want?"

        *   Confess                          - Hey! It's those bloody
                                               foreigners' fault.
                                               It's those kids of today!
                                               Pah!  The government is to
                                               blame!
%e
*EOA*


%t Watermelons
%n 2S11
%s Ritualistic uses for watermelons on two planets
%a Travis J.I. Corcoran  ([e-mail])
%d 19921214
%x Watermelon Rituals
%e
First, let's define what a watermelon is.  Er... no, let's first define
what a watermelon is not.  It is not water, nor is it a melon.
Well, actually, it *is* a melon, but admitting that would screw up
the parallel structure... so let's just agree that its not water or a
melon, OK?  From there, let's talk about what it is... it's
well... now, I can't say it's a melon, can I?  I just told you that
it's not, and we can't have a watermelon being both a melon and a
non-melon, can we?  Hmm.  OK, a watermelon is this big green
egg-shaped sort of thing, you see?  No?  OK, picture a dry, red,
dusty rock about the size of your eyeball.  A watermelon is almost,
but not quite, exactly unlike that rock.

Interestingly enough, watermelons are known to exist on only two
planets in the known universe: Zylo XII, and, er... Earth.  Even
more oddly, members of the dominant species of each planet have been
observed participating in the same ritualistic use of watermelons.

First, let's highlight the similarities between the two rituals:
The rite involves "liberating" a watermelon, climbing to a high
place, saying some words, then throwing the watermelon off the
high place.

Some have raised the objection that these are merely superficial
resemblances, and that the rituals are actually totally different and
unrelated.  These specific (O)bjections are (R)efuted below:

O1.  Zylo XII watermelons are totally unlike Earth watermelons.
R1.  While it may be true that Zylo XII watermelons are
     actually eggs of carnivorous treeworms, and Earth watermelons
     are a kind of fruit, there remains many other similarities that
     conclusively prove that they are more or less the same thing.

O2.  On Zylo XII, the natives steal the watermelons from the nest of
     treeworms; on Earth there are no treeworms.  What gives?
R2.  While, technically speaking, there are no treeworms on
     Earth, this is hardly the fault of the Earth natives, is it?
     Under the unfortunate circumstances, they do the best they can
     and liberate their watermelons from the basements of college
     dining halls. Given the context, it's really more or less the
     same thing.

O3.  On Zylo XII, the watermelon is thrown from the summit
     of the Mountain of the Arrogant Sky Watcher.  There's no such
     mountain on Earth; explain that one away!
R3.  True, there is no MotASW on Earth.  Once again, it is a
     matter of understanding the context, and adjusting
     accordingly.  On Earth, the watermelons are thrown from Cornell
     University's Space Sciences building (alleged home of alleged
     astronomer Carl Sagan).  Follow?

O4.  On Zylo XII, the natives chant for three days, celebrating
     the hunting prowess of their ancestors before they hurl the
     watermelon, after which they are declared full adult members
     of the tribe.  Surely this doesn't happen on Earth?
R4.  Um...yes, that's how it works on Earth too.
%e
*EOA*


%t Work
%n 2S12
%s Earthling's "work" and the result of it to himself and others
%a Sam Craghead  ([e-mail]), ([e-mail])
%d 19921210
%i Occupation
%e
WORK.  This is what the people of Earth engage in for most of their lives.
By "working" they get "money" which they use to buy things which other people
have produced at their WORK.  WORK is also known as an OCCUPATION.  If you
are a worker you get a lot of mail addressed to "occupant".

Some work is called drudgery and is filled with physical toil.  Some
workers work by sitting at their desks writing on bits of paper which they
then pass to other workers like themselves who nod their heads and take
another bit of paper and write on it.  This piece of paper is called a MEMO
and most of their time is spent writing and nodding over memos.  These
workers can practice their nodding while driving to work by placing a doll
in the rear window of their cars, and then observing the nodding technique by
watching the doll nod in the rear view mirror.

This same worker will spend a lot of his workday in meetings (a meeting is a
gathering of memo producers and nodders like himself) where he will nod his
head up and down to much that is said, give a satisfied smile, and leave the
meeting to go to another meeting or go back to his desk to make and nod over
more memos.  This worker will spend a great deal of time telling everyone he
meets how hard he is working.  This latter type of worker will get more money
for his work than the worker who is engaged in physical toil.  This fact
remains inexplicable because the worker who goes to the meetings and works
on "memos" doesn't seem to produce anything which another worker would wish
to buy.  We have never found anyone selling memos.  There just doesn't seem
to be any demand for them except at the workplace, and this demand seems to
be confined to other workers who nod and make and pass memos.

There are some workers, however, who have become so adept at screwing a nut
onto a bolt minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, that they get more
money than either of the other two types of workers.  He is made a member of
a union.

Money is the device used to purchase produced products.  This money consists
of pieces of paper (this paper is much different than a memo as it is
considered to have value) and denotes value above "change".  Change used to
be called "silver" and "copper", but now the "silver" is copper and the
"copper" has been made from aluminum.  The color of each of these particular
items has remained "silver" and "copper".  The reason for this has never been
disclosed.

In some places on Earth, many of the people have found that they do not have
to work at all to get money.  They just identify themselves as "poor,"
"disadvantaged," or as a "victim" of "the system"; they then receive money.
As the number of workers dwindles, and the number of these "poor",
"disadvantaged", or "victims" grows, there will one day be no workers; just
those receiving money by certifying their status as "poor", "disadvantaged",
or "victim".  There is no corresponding group replacing the workers making
products, so when the "poor", "disadvantaged", and "victims" have completely
replaced the workers, there will probably be nothing left to buy except old
memos.  This may be the means for creating a wider demand for that product.
%e
*EOA*


%t Alien Identification
%n 2S13
%s Some methods of Alien Identification.
%a Tomi Suviola  ([e-mail])
%d 19921209
%x Alien Elimination
%i Identification, Alien
%e
Have you ever met an alien?  Probably yes, but you were also probably
unaware of the fact that he/she was an _alien_ (i.e., extra-terrestrial).
Here are some ways to identify aliens.

Sure cases of aliens:

         1) If you see someone taking of his skin and revealing a coating
            of scales.

         2) If someone is eating living mice, rats, cats, dogs, horses,
            elephants, humans and cars.

         3) UFOs have landed and something has emerged from it.

Almost sure cases of aliens:

         1) If someone changes his/her appearance very fast.
            (For example, in a phonebooth.)

         2) Someone "loses" his/her pet animals daily/weekly.

         3) Man/woman with three or more hands or/and legs.

         4) Things that make intelligent sounds when touched.

Maybe a case of aliens:

         1) Someone leaves slimy blotch in his/her bed at night.

         2) His/her skin is red, green or blue.

         3) Someone does not look like a normal human.

         4) A person claims to be from outer space.

If you think that someone is an alien be sure before you blast them away.
If there are many, you may call to someone to help.  (Don't call the Police,
since they probably think you are crazy.)  If the aliens are friendly,
Don't Panic.  The only error you can make is to jump to a wrong conclusion.
%e
*EOA*


%t Alien Elimination
%n 2S14
%s Couple hints how to eliminate a hostile alien.
%a Tomi Suviola  ([e-mail])
%d 19930119
%x Alien Identification
%i Eliminating aliens
%e
When you meet hostile aliens, you should probably want to eliminate them
before the whole Earth is covered.  First you have to be (almost) sure it
is an alien you are going to deactivate (see "Alien Identification").
Here are some proven methods for exterminating aliens:

         1) Bare fists are in most cases too weak a weapon, unless you are
            a Cyborg.  But in emergency situations they may be the only
            useful way.

         2) Sticks of wood, or some kind of staff, are quite good in close
            combat.  These objects can be found in a local forest.

         3) The most effective close combat weapon is a club or baseball bat.
            Softer aliens may perish while you smash it with a club.  But if
            the alien is armored, you better run.

         4) The best weapon that a normal human can use is some kind of hand
            gun.  For example, a .44 Magnum is likely enough to stop most
            lightly-armored humanlike aliens.

         5) Against groups of aliens, hand grenades are quite good; they
            may not kill them, but should at least injure them.  Some of
            them may only be frightened, but then you have got some time
            to run away.

Eliminating is not always killing.  You may capture and torture the alien,
so it may promise not to come Earth again (if it survived torturing).

If you feel too weak to eliminate an alien, try to find some group powerful
enough to do it for you (and Earth).

Maybe the best solution is to make peace with the aliens instead.
%e
*EOA*


%t Kansas City, Missouri, USA, Earth
%n 2S15
%s Why you should stay away from Kansas City, Missouri
%a Jason Braddy  ([e-mail])
%d 19930120
%i Crown Center
%i KC MO
%x Earth
%e
If, as a hitchhiker, you should ever find yourself in Kansas City, the
first thing you should do is find out what state you are in.  That is
because there are two Kansas Cities -- one in Kansas, and one in
Missouri.  What makes this even more confusing is that both Kansas
Cities are located in more or less the same place, right across the
river from each other.  If you find out that you are in Missouri,
leave (this holds true for other cities in Missouri as well).

In case you are delayed in the process of fleeing Missouri, however,
some words on Kansas City, Missouri (KC MO for short) are in order.  The
first thing to keep in mind when you are in KC MO is that the contrasts
between different areas of the city are extremely sharp.  That is to say,
you could be browsing through a store where a pair of socks cost more than
most people's wardrobes, walk two blocks, and find yourself in the Bronx.
Thus, the key to survival in KC MO is this: don't move.  If where you are
standing seems to be devoid of any immediate danger, stay there until a
native can direct you to the interstate.

Some of the more pleasant areas of KC MO can be enjoyable while you are
waiting for your National Guard escort.  The Plaza area, famous for
its exclusive shops, can be especially fun for those with a well-developed
sense of humor.  Aside from the obligatory clothes-that-must-be-must-
bestow-eternal-life-to-cost-that-much stores, there are many nice
restaurants, which are kind enough to post their menus outside so people
can see ahead of time that air costs ten dollars a breath, with oxygen being
five dollars extra.  For people with rare-Earth credit ratings, the food in
these places is reputed to be incredible, but actual reviews of the food
are rare, as the local newspapers could send a reporter on assignment to
Alpha Centauri cheaper than they could buy him a meal at one.

Another interesting feature of the Plaza is the preponderance of private
security guards roaming around.  These are not the same as mall security,
the main function of which is to show people that mall food is in fact
edible.  Plaza security carry guns, and are generally only slightly
friendlier than a rabid polar bear.  They almost always appear to be on
the verge of shooting someone, which makes sense when you consider that they
are effectively guarding a Ralph Lauren store in the middle of Lebanon.
It is also generally unadvisable to even look at an armored car in the Plaza,
as they have been specially modified to mount a recoilless rifle on the roof.

Another reasonably safe and amusing area of KC MO is known as the Crown
Center.  Where Plaza stores are expensive, Crown Center stores are, well,
specific.  They have entire stores devoted to socks.  Just socks.  Not shoes,
not accessories, just socks.  They also have a knack for selling things
that most people were unaware that they could buy, such as designer gravel
for five dollars a pound.

A final note: KC MO, is by definition, in Missouri.  This means that the
weather will be largely incapable of supporting human life.  Between March
and September, it will be hot enough to denature most proteins in about ten
minutes.  Coupled with the omnipresent humidity, the weather is about the
same as that on Venus, only the air is worse.  In fact, cases have been
documented where people actually exploded from the extreme temperature
gradient between the stores and the outside environment.
%e
*EOA*


%t Pizza
%n 2S16
%s Hot Pizza - Food of the Gods!
%a Jason Williams  ([e-mail])
%d 19930117
%i Food, Pizza
%i Mamma Mias Pizzeria
%e
Across the known galaxy there are many varieties of food; so many in fact,
that the mighty computing centers of Zagulon Beta had this to say in their
report on the late great food-census:

         "Wow. There really is a lot of this stuff."

Despite this huge variety of foods, there are but a few which have met
near-universal acceptance.  The most common are foodstuffs based upon
hydrocarbons-with-an-attitude known as alcohols, including social
stimulants such as Gin and Tonic, inebriants such as beer, and genocidal
anti-nervous-system agents such as gold bricks wrapped in lemon.

The second most common group of foodstuffs are based upon a congealed
mammary fluid substance known as 'cheese'.  Although the gourmet may be
better acquainted with Quail a la Orange or Chocolate Moose, the appetite
of the hitch-hiker is most often presented with simpler (cheaper) dishes
which have their basis in cheese.

The pinnacle of cheese technology, far above even the English cheese-flavored
sandwich, the Swiss cheese-flavored fondue, and the French cheese-flavored
cheese, is the Italian Pizza.  Totally aside from being an awesome example
of Earth-originated food, this is a technological marvel in its own right,
having been invented during a period of unusually high technological
achievement known as the 'dark ages', though it is thought that fore-runners
of the modern day pizza were eaten by club-wielding Neanderthals during
the great pack-rat exodus of Three million BC.

A common method of serving normal meals is on a device known as a plate.
The pizza does away with this, however, by building an edible plate
substructure into the food itself.  This pizza base is a type of pastry- or
bread-like stuff made of a special type of dough called 'pizza dough'.

On top of this base, a tomato sauce is spread, for flavor, and in memory of
all the brave tomatoes that have died to perpetuate the great pizza
tradition.  This is covered with a variety of toppings which include olives
(hard green and black things that taste like olives, only saltier),
cabanossi (sausage), pepperoni (sausage), capsicum (the green stuff that you
pick off the pizza and drop into the box), mushrooms (ribbed fungi), sliced
tomatoes (brave, self-sacrificing vegetables), ham (dead pig), and other
delicious substances.  Some tropical-island natives and an odd German chap
have also been known to add pineapple, but this usually serves to make the
pizza taste as though it has pineapple in it, so is not recommended.

Once all these ingredients have been added, in generous handfuls, to the
base, they are covered by a huge pile of specially grated cheese, and then
fused together in a pizza oven at extremely high temperatures.  The disc-
shaped result is then cut into a number of triangular segments which is never
divisible by the number of people who will eat the pizza, and placed into
a cardboard delivery package called a 'pizza box'.

Pizza should not be eaten within three minutes of removal from the oven,
unless you are a masochist, in which case, you will enjoy the blisters on
your tongue which typically last for several agonizing days.  Pizza should
not be left for more than eight minutes after removal from the oven, lest
it degrade to too cool a temperature.  Pizza is hoopy only when served hot,
so that it is almost impossible to separate the portion of a slice in your
mouth from the portion outside your mouth by merely biting at the cheese.

Never block the air hole of the pizza box with your hands, as this results
in several undesirable effects:

         1)  A portion of your hand will become painfully hot, and you may
             be scarred for life

         2)  The aroma of the pizza will be trapped inside the box, so you
             won't be able to enjoy it

         3)  The pizza won't be able to breathe, and may suffocate to death.

The best Pizzas in the universe are to be found at their point of invention,
Italy, Earth.  However, in a few isolated regions of the galaxy, Italian
nationals have managed to squeeze their 'pizzerias' between fast food
joints and liquor shops, to bring the taste of Hot Pizza (TM) to their
esteemed clients.  Interestingly, the most successful appear to be those
which lie directly between a university and a liquor shop.

In times of dire hunger, the hitchhiker may be forced to eat pizza from
franchises known as Pizza Hut.  On the pizza scale, Pizza Hut usually rates
at about four or five out of ten, which is entirely edible.  However, for a
really, really good pizza, you are directed to travel either to Italy, or to
Mission Bay, Auckland, New Zealand, to a little place called 'Mamma Mias'.

Mamma Mias lies between the University of Auckland and a liquor shop -- it
is somewhat distant (ten minutes in a car, five minutes in a student car)
from the University, but the trip is worth it, especially during Stage Four
Data Communications lectures [1].

Mamma Mias pizzas have never been known to rate less than seven out of ten,
and average an 8.7.  A pizza rating higher than 9.2 has not yet been
discovered.

On the cardboard delivery containers is the legend "Caution: These pizzas
can be habit forming".  Do not take this warning lightly!  There are known
to be literally dozens of cases of complete pizza-junkies from the University
of Auckland, with cholesterol levels so high that they practically have
cheese for blood.  But they are very delicious pizzas.

In the fine tradition of real pizza shops, while you stand around waiting for
your pizza to cook, you can listen to the dulcet tones of your host insulting
his staff in Italian, and inhale the delicate aroma of pizza wafting past on
the unconditioned, stuffy air.  This place has authentic ambience.

Once you have your pizza, you can go outside, watch as yuppies try to avoid
getting blood all over the bonnet of their BMW as you wander aimlessly
across the road, and enjoy your pizza on the picturesque concrete wall
which stops Mission Bay beach from moving a kilometer inland.

[ Aside: In its defense, there is a nice view of Auckland Harbour and
  occasionally people being eaten by sharks, and at night the fountain
  (when operational) gets lit up with pretty colored lights.  Also, hours
  of fun can be generated by drinking a local alcoholic substance known
  as 'Purple Death', and pretending to throw food to the seagulls, which are
  so stupid that they go for it every time.]

Oh, and a final warning: If a student from Auckland University ever says to
you, "Wanna go for a quick pizza?", make sure that you have at least two
(preferably three) hours available in which to do so before you answer "Yes."

See you there!

[1] For reasons undiscovered, the author's final grade for this paper was
    somewhat disappointing, but heck, I passed, so who cares?
%e
*EOA*


%t Plagiarism
%n 2S17
%s Plagiarism
%a Jason Williams  ([e-mail])
%d 19930117
%e
Plagiarism is the act of plagiarizing; Stealing of something (an invention,
idea, phrase, dictionary entry, or the like) and presenting it as your own.

Intergalactic copyright laws in most regions now outlaws plagiarism.  (From
the latin word 'plagiarus', meaning thief, kidnapper, plunderer.)

_The Encyclopedia Galactica_ has this to say about Plagiarism:

         "Plagiarism is the act of plagiarizing; Stealing of something (an
          invention, idea, phrase, dictionary entry, or the like) and
          presenting it as your own.

          Intergalactic copyright laws in most regions now outlaws
          plagiarism.  (From the latin word 'plagiarus', meaning thief,
          kidnapper, plunderer.)"

[ Ed. note: Any similarity between this article and any that may appear
  in another publication (a randomly chosen and purely hypothetical example
  of such being _The Encyclopedia Galactica_) is entirely coincidental. ]
%e
*EOA*


%t Moose Watching
%n 2S18
%a Michael Winship
%s It is important to differentiate between Moose and Mousse
; Author accessible via Alex Miller  ([e-mail])
%d 19930403
%i Mousse
%e
There are two steps to moose watching.  The first, of course is obtaining
a moose.  The second, not obvious only to a blithering idiot, is to
watch the damn thing.

Obtaining a moose tends to be difficult, unless one happens to live
next door to you.  Since most of us, especially those of us in Ursa Minor,
don't have the convenience of having a moose as a neighbor, we advise you
to give up this ridiculous hobby now.  Moose (pl.) tend to be the most
boring creatures in creation, and they just look all wrong anyway.  Anyone
who has ever seen a moose will know what we are talking about.  Watching
them just stand there, for instance, they look even more awkward than a man
sent to the grocery store for tampons, or even worse, styling mousse.  Which
brings us to our next point.

No, it is not, I repeat NOT, considered moose watching to buy some mousse
in a grocery store, to set it in some natural-looking surroundings, and
to watch it.  Nothin' doin'.  It is often more rewarding than watching
the carbon-based life-form of the same pronunciation, however.  Seeing as
most beings do not look at mousse, but smear it in their hair, we suggest
not even considering watching it for obvious reasons.  For example, if one
was to get their moose/mousse mixed up, and tried to rub moose in their
hair, well, it just might work better than mousse and then you would just
find humans hunting the awkward creatures to extinction in hopes of a
fast buck (no pun intended, we swear).  Then they would be lost to probing
eyes everywhere.

Anyway, just knock the beast over its head and drag it to a field.  Go lay
in some concealing shrubbery and wait for it to regain consciousness.
Then lay back and enjoy as the moose stumbles about, trying to stand up
despite the head injury you've inflicted.  According to _The Official Moose
Watcher's Guidebook_, it is perfectly okay to use all of your eyes to watch
the moose stumble around.
%e
*EOA*


%t Moon, The
%n 2S19
%s The largest satellite of the planet Earth, Sol.
%a Alexander Lachlan McLintock  ([e-mail])
%d 19930409
%i Restaurants to Avoid
%e
The Moon is the largest satellite of Earth.  It is also a pretty bad place
to go for a quick curry after coming out of the pub at closing time.
Restaurant critics report that the place has no waiter service, no poppadams
or mango chutney, and no atmosphere.  You will have no trouble parking at
the moon, however the initial transport to the moon is a bit of a problem.
There are no scheduled commuter flights for the next 25 years.
[Source: NASA]
%e
*EOA*


%t Mars
%n 2S20
%s The fourth planet orbiting Sol.
%a Alexander Lachlan McLintock  ([e-mail])
%d 19930409
%i The Red Planet
%i Parsecs
%i Chocolate
%x Hailing a Taxi on Mars
%e
Mars is the fourth planet away from the star Sol.  It is sometimes known as
the "Red Planet" because of early telescopic observations.  Contrary to
popular belief, there are no Martians on Mars.  They all live in the small
village of Knebworth, in Hertfordshire, England, United Kingdom, Northern
Europe, Earth, Sol.  In astronomical terms, the distance between Earth and
Mars hardly merits a twelfth decimal place on the parsec scale, and so the
error in saying that Martians live on a totally different planet is
negligible.

Parsecs are approximately 3.26 light years.  The reason for this distance
can be found in the Oxford Reference Dictionary, but is far too complicated
to explain here.  (Ok, Ok, so I didn't really understand what they meant by
"parallax" and "subtend.")

"Mars" is also a chocolate bar found on Earth.  These are highly
concentrated sources of carbohydrates, which are of vital importance to
many carbon based life forms.  Mars bars are slightly rippled with a flat
underside.  They are sometimes used in English courtship rituals in which
the female performs various allegorical oral acts with the chocolate bar,
which is donated by the male as part payment for this spectacle.
%e
*EOA*


%t Binary
%n 2S21
%a Jason Williams  ([e-mail])
%s Binary Mathematics: Uses and Abuses
%d 19930510
%i Mathematics, Binary
%i Binary (mathematics)
%x Poke and Hope Programming
%x Compression Sort Transform
%e
"Binary" literally means "consisting of two."

For example, a binary solar system is a solar system which contains two
stars.  An example of such a binary system is Sol.  Or at least, it would
be, if there were two stars in this particular system.

Curiously, when spelt backwards, "binary" yields "yranib," which is
Andearian for "pair".  Also, if we rearrange the letters in "binary", add a
few, take a couple away, and encode the result randomly, we get "deux,"
which is French for "two."  Amazing coincidence or is a higher intelligence
at work here?

The word "binary" is a term in its own right, most commonly used to mean
the binary counting system - mathematics carried out in base 2.  This was
invented by a small-time medieval poacher after he had been caught 9 times.

It is a very important counting system, as practically all modern computers
run on binary (unleaded binary still hasn't become very popular due to
pressure from the powerful lead cartels, as well as the need for companies
such as the gigantic _Infernal Barrister Machinations Corporation_ to
continue pumping out 15 kilo "portables" so that they might continue to lose
more money each year than their biggest supercomputer can count (a cunning
tax dodge)).

Binary Mathematics:

If I take a bean and add another bean, how many beans do I have?  In
decimal, the answer is two (or three to some), while in binary, the answer
is ten (pronounced wonz-erro).  Application of this binary counting system
has relieved the famines in Ethimalia and Somopia by replacing every two
decimalized grains of rice with ten binary grains.

Where adding an extra digit onto the end of a decimal number will
effectively multiply that number by 10, in binary this has the effect of
multiplying by 2.

This effect can be seen when you try to "shift up" from one model of a
computer to the next - the price doubles each time, and after 3 shifts
there is no way you can afford the next one!  (As a point of interest,
a Yarc PMY 16 supercomputer takes 26 shifts for your average shoe salesman.)

In a similar vein, shifting in the opposite direction has the effect of
dividing by two.  This exponential decay becomes evident the day after you
buy your new computer, when you find that it is now worth only half as much
as you paid for it.  (My New Years Resolution: to find 25 other people
willing to buy and immediately sell a Yarc PMY 16.)

Another example of how this works can be seen in pyramid selling ventures,
where each person sells a product to two other people, and everybody doubles
their money.  (Incidentally, if you know of anyone who wants to buy a Unique
5100 toenail exerciser (the one that fits into a small barn!  Burn those
calories!  Keep that cuticle shapely and fit!), I know where I can lay my
hands on two of them.  Going real cheap!)

As an example of how the binary counting system works, binary addition is
described below:

    A binary number is made up of a string of binary digits (sometimes
    called "bits," often mistakenly given an origin in the phrase "BInary
    digiTS" but actually derived from the special two-position switch used
    to turn horses on and off.  Similarly, a "halter" is a device upon which
    one pulls hard to bring a computer/horse to an emergency stop, a "boot"
    is a device used to start a computer/horse, and a "branch" is often the
    cause of an unexpected halt at run time.)

    Addition and subtraction of single binary digits equates to an
    exclusive-or operation, as shown in the table below:

                     + | 0 1
                     --+----
                     0 | 0 1
                     1 | 1 0

    A complication when adding/subtracting numbers containing multiple
    digits is that a carry/borrow needs to be propagated to the left/right
    under some circumstances.

    This can mean a lot of work interrogating flags in order to calculate
    a correct result.  However, quite conveniently, a few computer assembly
    languages provide a set of obscure and little-known exclusive-or
    instructions which happen to propagate binary carries at the same time.
    These instructions go under a few different names, but can generally be
    found, if at all, by looking up "add" and "subtract" in the manual.

    Some high level languages also provide an infix macro which has a
    similar effect, usually defined as '+' or '-'.

There are three main reasons for using binary rather than decimal digits in
computers:

          1) If we were to store a number using decimal digits, we have to
             be able to store 10 values per digit, which takes up a lot of
             memory.  Using binary digits, however, we only need to store 2
             values per digit, which cuts down memory usage by 80%.

          2) Computers only have one finger (c.f., UNIX 'finger' command)
             while humans typically average ten (if we exclude statistics
             influenced by wars and combine harvester accidents).

          3) Computer programmers and hackers totally fail to comprehend
             decimal.

Reason (1) was also responsible for the change from the imperial system
(where everything was conducted in bases 12 and 60) to the modern metric
system (base 10).  Legislation is currently before the government to adopt
a new binary (base 2) system, in an effort to reduce the amount of computer
memory needed to store the American deficit, as well as to lower the
price of consumer items, reduce the distance between cities, and increase
the rate of production.

One very handy application of binary computer programming is that common
programming practices become much easier.  This especially applies to "Poke
and Hope" programming, where it reduces the range of random numbers the
programmer must try "poking" into his/her program to only 2 different values
instead of 10.  This has significantly improved the rate at which large
software houses such as MilkThem-Soft (TM) have been able to release
utter crap onto the market.

A recent advance in data compression technology has also been due to the
humble binary system.  In a stream of truly random decimal data, each digit
stands a 10% probability of being the next digit to appear.  However, by
using the binary data representation, we only use the digits 0 and 1, thus
increasing the likeliness of any digit being next from 10% to 50%.  This
significantly improves the efficiency of predictive encoding for data
compression, especially when combined with the Compression Sort Transform.
%e
*EOA*


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