Computer Buyer 1997 January/dpcb197.iso/business/a1share/41411.ZIP/REAL02.OLD

Text File | 1993-09-07 | 89KB | 1,852 lines

*
* ARCHIVE: REAL02.NEW
*
* DATE: 09/07/93
*
* EDITOR(S):
*
*        Editor   1 : Paul J. Clegg  ([e-mail])
*        Editor   2 : Steve Baker  ([e-mail])
*
* NUMBER OF ARTICLES: 25
*


*
*
*   2R10   -- Classification of Religions
*   2R11   -- Flying
*   2R12   -- Drinking Problems, a Solution to
*   2R13   -- Clegg, Paul Jason
*   2R14   -- Country Music
*   2R15   -- Vineland, New Jersey, USA, Earth
*   2R16   -- Telephone Bills
*   2R17   -- Watermelon Rituals
*   2R18   -- Windows
*   2R19   -- IRC, Internet Relay Chat
*   2R20   -- Des Moines, Iowa, USA, Earth
*   2R21   -- Gravity
*   2R22   -- McGill University, Montreal, Quebec, Canada, Earth
*   2R23   -- Program Structure Wars
*   2R24   -- Sleep
*   2R25   -- University of Western Sydney, New South Wales, Australia, Earth
*   2R26   -- Defecation
*   2R27   -- Computer Malfunctions
*   2R28   -- Rules of Car Chasing
*   2R29   -- Tea
*   2R31   -- Rationalization
*   2R32   -- Top Ten Traveling Songs
*   2R33   -- Watford, London, United Kingdom, Earth
*   2R34   -- Composition Of Mars
*   2R35   -- Possibility Of Life On Mars
*
*


%t Classification Of Religions
%n 2R10
%s Classification method for religions
%a Warren Kurt vonRoeschlaub  ([e-mail])
%d 19920609
%i Religions, Classification Of
%e
Years ago scholars attempted to collect information on all the religions in
the known galaxy.  While the attempt itself proved useless, it did provide a
system of classification for religions.  To get a quick understanding of any
given religion it is helpful to learn this simple classification method.

Each religion identifier consists of a string of numbers, letters, and
hyphens for quickly locating certain attributes.  I highly recommend all
those writing articles about any religion to use this classification scheme
so that the average person can find quickly exactly what the religion
entails without the difficulty of reading the entire text.  The scheme also
offers itself to a good ordering for the text of any religion.

The first digit of the classification number represents the number of
deities the religion has, followed by a letter indicating the type.  Omit
the letter if the first digit is 0.

         A) All powerful, all knowing benevolent
         B) All powerful, but one can usually pull pranks due to
            lack of all knowingness.
         C) All knowing, but who the hell really cares due to lack
            of all powerfulness.
         D) Neither all knowing nor all powerful, but just kind of there.
         E-H) Same as above, but malevolent
         I) Whoever happens to be leader of the people at the time
         J) Everything and everybody is part of the god
         K) Everything and everybody, except for people members of
            the religion don't like, is part of god
         L) God is a head of lettuce named Ralph

The next digit represents what is expected after death by the following
chart:

         0) Everybody goes to a nice place
         1) Members of the religion go to a nice place, everybody
            else goes to an unpleasant place
         2) Members of the religion go to an unpleasant place,
            everybody else goes to a nice place
         3) Everybody goes to an unpleasant place
         4) Nobody goes anywhere
         5) Really bad people are forced to work in all night
            convenience stores in New Jersey
         6) Everybody is reincarnated
         7) Only people who deserve punishment are reincarnated

The letter immediately following that represents the organization of the
religion.  A representing very organized, Z representing chaos.  Follow this
by a hyphen to make it easier to find the next section.

The next number represents the percentage of members that are named "Bubba".
Do this on a scale from 0 to 9, with 0 meaning that nobody is named Bubba
and 9 meaning that everyone is named Bubba.  Southern Baptists are rated a 5
and the First Congregational Church of Bubba is a 9.

The next letter indicates how policy is decided, if no letter is listed then
there is no policy:

         A) Handed down from a single source
         B) Voted upon by a collection of elders
         C) Voted upon by everybody
         D) Chosen by a random number generator
         E) Determined by careful computer analysis
         F) Determined by combatants representing each view playing
            Super Mario Brothers
         Z) Nobody has ever tried to change the policy, so nobody
            knows just yet

Then follows a digit representing the number of ways one can spell the name
of the religion.

The next letter represents the place where the religion holds its meetings:

         A) No meetings
         B) A building set aside for the purpose
         C) A building which is also the gym for the local high school
         D) Outside
         E) In an airport or bus terminal
         F) In a submarine
         G) In a graveyard or mausoleum
         F) In a bathtub or jacuzzi

If ever the standards to any of these above constraints are unknown, the use
of a question mark is preferred.

Examples:

Atheism: 04Z-11A
Buddhism: 1J7M-2Z2B
Calvinism: 1A1B-0B1B
Catholicism: 1A1A-1A1B
Hare Krishna: 1J7C-3A4E
Episcopalianism: 1??M-0B1B
%e
*EOA*


%t Flying
%n 2R11
%s The concept of staying aloft.
%a Paul Jason Clegg  ([e-mail])
%d 19920904
%i Flight
%i Hover
%i Hovering
%e
"Flying" is the term given to any object that just happens to be changing
it coordinate location without treading on a solid surface, or liquid
medium, but most definitely within the boundaries of an atmosphere.  Some
may also say that extra-atmospheric travel is also a form of flight, which
it is, but most don't call it such, partially because the physical
principles are usually different, but mostly because they don't do it often
enough to warrant much discussion on the topic.

An object that is moving very, very fast, no matter what the medium of
travel is, is often considered "flying", though this is only a slang
implementation of the terminology.

Usually flight is achieved through one of two ways.  The first is that a
fixed wing design is implemented, such that great horizontal thrust applied
to the object creates what is known as "lift", and (usually) maintains the
vehicle's altitude.  The second is similar, except that instead of the wing
design remaining fixed, the wings actually rotate themselves, creating a
purely vertical lift.  Vehicles of the latter type are usually called
"helicopters", and the former, "airplanes".

Conceptually, it has been thought that flight may be achieved by falling,
and missing the ground.  The chance, however, of falling down and missing
the solid surface below you, is so nil as to make no odds, and this idea
has never been proven to any degree to even be believable.
%e
*EOA*


%t Solutions To Drinking Problems
%s Common solutions to bar problems
%n 2R12
%a Hanno Liem  ([e-mail])
%d 19921002
%i Drinking Problems, Solutions To
%x Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster -- Terran Version
%e
Any hitch-hiker who visits bars a lot can tell you that, in whatever
galaxy the bar is located, the problems one encounters when visiting one
(or more precisely, after one has visited one for quite some time) are
roughly the same all over the universe.

This article is meant to give some common solutions to these problems,
which can be quite useful for the unexperienced hitch-hiker...

PROBLEM                 CAUSE                           SOLUTION
-------                 -----                           --------
You have little fun     You have failed or for-         Take new glass
drinking and your       gotten to open your mouth,      and practice in
front feels damp.       or have put your glass          front of mirror
                        to a wrong opening in your      until your drin-
                        head.                           king technique
                                                        is perfected.

Beer does not taste     Glass is empty.                 Find a person
as usual, but instead                                   willing to buy
is pale and bright.                                     one or more
                                                        drinks.

Feet are becoming       Glass is held upside-down.      Turn glass either
cold and wet.                                           clockwise or
                                                        counterclockwise,
                                                        until open side
                                                        is facing up.

Feet are becoming       Inaccurate/inappropriate        Complain with
warm and wet.           bladder control.                the owner of the
                                                        nearest dog to
                                                        save face.

Head is becoming        Karim van Veen from             Find other partner
cold and wet.           Zoeterwoude, Holland is         for conversation.
                        "talking" to you.

Bar is passing by.      Not true. Someone is            Are you being
                        carrying you somewhere.         carried to the
                                                        next bar?  No?
                                                        Protest clearly.

Opposite wall looks     You have fallen backward.       Have yourself tied
the same as the                                         to the bar.
ceiling.

All is dark and         You have fallen forward.        See previous answer.
your mouth is full of
glass and ash and
cigarettes.

You can't see right,    EMERGENCY! You are looking      Have glass refilled
everything is blurry.   through an empty glass.         as soon as possible.

Beer tastes strange     You have mistaken ashtray       Give up smoking.
and contains solid      for glass.
objects.

You are staring at      You are sitting on the floor.   Find empty stool
something dark and                                      or pick up own
you have lost your                                      stool.
glass.

%e
*EOA*


%t Clegg, Paul Jason
%n 2R13
%s Just a frood who knows where his towel is
%a Paul Jason Clegg  ([e-mail])
%d 19930105
%x Article Writing Guide For Field Researchers And Guide Editors
%x Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute
%i Paul Jason Clegg
%i [e-mail]
%e
Paul Jason Clegg was born sometime in the afternoon of July 28th, 1973,
Earth time.  He was born in an entirely uninteresting city known as
Vineland, New Jersey, USA, Earth.  But that's in the past, and,
unfortunately, cannot be changed.

Paul, however, does hold the distinction of being Editor number 1 for
Project Galactic Guide, and holds the non-corporeal position of general
coordinator for the same project.

This is probably the only thing special about Paul; he currently stands
at a tall, but not entirely unnatural height of 6.25 feet, and weighs
a completely unimportant 155 pounds, depending on the time of day and
day of year.  His education has amounted to, at this point, three
semesters of study at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, majoring in
Computer Science, and maintaining a semi-respectable grade point average.

His past achievements include, but are not limited to, attending the
New Jersey's Governor's School program (math and science division) in
the summer of 1990, and in being the youngest person to ever pass any
and several college courses at Cumberland County College.  The latter
achievements included passing a course in BASIC programming at the age
of ten, a course in electronics at age eleven, and a course in "College
Math" at age twelve.  He also passed a course in Pascal programming at
age 16, but that isn't nearly as impressive.

Paul's interests vary; he particularly likes science fiction books, TV
shows, and movies, he listens to almost all kinds of music, though he
tends to shun country western, rap, dance/club music, and the "big band"
sounds of old.  His favorite musical group, by far, is Queen.  Paul's
hobbies include computer programming, role-playing games, painting
miniatures, playing wargames, and working on Project Galactic Guide, the
latter of which he's put entirely too much effort into already.

You can contact Paul currently via electronic mail, addressing your
message to "[e-mail]" (sans quotes).
%e
*EOA*


%t Country Music
%n 2R14
%s Mostly Uninteresting
%a Paul Jason Clegg  ([e-mail])
%d 19930106
%x Radio
%i Western Music
%e
Country music (sometimes called "Country Western," though that's basically
redundant but those who listen to it usually don't care about redundancy,
or care about it, either) is hard to characterize.  Unless you like it,
you hate it intensely.  If you like it, you probably hate everything else
intensely.  While several country music groups have tried to slide their
style into a more acceptable niche, they've only met with limited success.

If you see people playing music, you can probably calculate that they are
playing country music if you sense an inordinate number of cowboy boots,
cowboy hats, women with chunky thighs, sequins, tassels, and fringe.  The
elderly also seems to be a prevalent subsection of the audience for
country music.

If you take pride in your ability to be sensical, sane, and generally
happy, you have been warned to stay away from country music.
%e
*EOA*


%t Vineland, New Jersey, USA, Earth
%n 2R15
%s The nowhere in the middle of everything
%a Paul Jason Clegg  ([e-mail])
%d 19930106
%x Clegg, Paul Jason
%x Earth
%e
Vineland is an entirely uninteresting town/city.  While it is the largest
city in New Jersey by land area, it isn't nearly as big population-wise.
It's located smack in the middle of the New Jersey peninsula, in the middle
of the area known by the locals as "South Jersey" (those who live in "North
Jersey" are ignorant of any land south of Trenton, and therefore their
concept of "South Jersey" is between the horizontal line starting at Camden
and the north to Trenton).

The inhabitants of Vineland range from the poor to the rich, with members
of almost every possible culture.  A few years ago, the local high school
had calculated that one-half of the students who attended were of a
minority, the other half being caucasian.

The main street through the city, Landis Avenue, has deteriorated to being
a way to get from point A to point B with lots of traffic lights in between.
The businesses that are situated there usually cater to the center city
residents, who are usually low-income minorities.  There are, however, lots
of suburbs where the income is generally average to above average, and
there are even more than a handful of "mansions" scattered about.

There are several small motels in the area, but most of them are somewhat
filled by homeless people that the city has put there "temporarily."  There
is a Ramada Inn just off of route 55, but this hitchhiker has never actually
gone in to investigate.  The Inn's outward appearance is good, however, so
it is probably a good place to stay if you need to stay at all and can
afford to do so.

There is only one "highway" that leads out of Vineland; route 55 leads from
Vineland north-northwest towards Camden and Philadelphia.  Other than that,
the nearest major highways are at least a half-hour drive by motorized
vehicle; to the north is the Atlantic City Expressway, travelling east-west
between Philadelphia and Atlantic City, to the east is the Garden State
Parkway, running north-south along the coast, and to the west there are
quite a few major highways, most notably the New Jersey Turnpike which
runs north-south between Wilmington (Delaware) and New York City (New York).

Don't hitchhike through Vineland; it's not worth it.  And definitely not at
night.

Places of interest:  I counted at least three McDonald's, two Burger Kings,
one Roy Roger's, one Friendly's, one Pizza Hut, and two Domino's Pizzas.
If you must stay and eat, good suggestions are Sammy J's, at the Shop-Rite
plaza on the northern end of Landis Avenue, and the Neptune, on Delsea
Drive.  The former is a retro-style ice cream parlor type of place that also
does very good, relatively quick meals.  The latter is a seafood restaurant
that you will want to sit down and wait for.

The only other redeeming feature of Vineland is that it's about an hour from
the Wilmington area of Delaware, about 2.5 hours from New York City, an hour
and a half from "North Jersey", an hour from the gambling areas of Atlantic
City (and, in fact, many of South Jersey's fine beaches), and an hour from
Philadelphia.
%e
*EOA*


%t Telephone Bills
%n 2R16
%s Information about a Terran communication device bill
%a Cem Unsal  ([e-mail])
%d 19920113
%x Earth
%x Telephones
%i MCI phone bill
%e
For those who are familiar with Terran ways (Oh God! I'm a smart ass!),
phone bills are one of the most important parts of the daily, er, monthly
Terran life.  In a nutshell, you get the bill by mail (ie, Terran mail,
which is still performed by humanoids and with the use of 5 + 4 digit zip
codes, as in the primitive days of the central Galaxy), you open it up,
see the payment page, cry, and send the money (probably still crying,
depending on the number of digits in the "amount due" rectangle).

Don't even think about throwing the first page away; you're required to
"send it with your payment."  And it may not be such a sad experience;
you can still amuse yourself by filling the "amount paid" squares, say,
by different colors.  This page is also the most important and
"informant" page of your bill.  It has your name (or your roommate's
name), your phone number with an additional 5 digits, your address (by
the way, you can learn the additional 4 digits of your zip code from
your phone bill... or from any other bill for that matter; remember,
this is the information age around this planet), a couple of parallel
lines, horizontal and vertical, which are -- I'm sure -- really
important, and a fairly long number at the bottom, with 59 digits.

For those who are now taken by the dark forces of curiosity, let me
explain to you what all this stuff is, although I'm not sure about the
exact nature of this final number myself.

The first three digits don't make any sense to you (or me); the next
three digits are your area code (ie, your phone's area code); then,
an unnecessary zero and your phone number, followed by three familiar
numbers from your account number.  Then, a couple (actually, four) of
nonsense digits and the last two digits of your account.  Then comes three
zeros and six mystery digits, a "train" of zeros with the amount
due embedded in it (14436 in "this" case).  Why 59 digits, you ask?
It is proved in [1] that 59 digits are sufficient to represent all
communication accounts in sixteen parallel universes.  If you can
bring yourself to see the other pages after you digest the total
amount due, the next page is Page One.  (Thus, we conclude payment = 0;
therefore, for any real n, (n * payment) = 0, which makes sense in most
cases.)

Page One shows your last bill total, your previous payment, and current
charges.  If your last bill total -- your previous payment -- is zero, you
get a "thank-you-for-your-payment" message.  "Current charges" shows you
local and long-distance totals (by the way, on Earth, long distance doesn't
mean what it sounds, probably because no one has tried to call a number
in any other galaxy) and concludes with "Subtotal" which is actually
the over-all total.

Then comes the second (third) page, which is some type of a manual to your
phone bill.  It explains (in "this" specific example your author tries
to understand) those nice little "amount paid" boxes on the first, no,
zero'th page.  That is "important information."

OK, now we're looking at Page Three.  The local call charges are shown:
monthly charges, services not regulated by the State Corporated Commission
(which means you're paying this amount for nothing), federal subscriber line
charge (which I, myself, wasn't able to understand), local 911 tax, relay
center surcharge (which seems highly unnecessary) and, local and federal
taxes.  You may be lost at this point.  They know you are, that's why they
explain that you can call the number on this page and ask.  "They are
easiest to reach on Tues through Thurs."  (What are Tues and Thurs?  Write
it correctly, guys, you have three more -- empty -- lines below.)

Page Four comes with two unnecessary lines of "rate key" and that's it.
And this the work of the people who try to save some paper by typing
"Tues" instead of "Tuesday."

Page Five summarizes long distance calls and includes federal tax, state
and local surcharges (which, I believe, should read "sur^3charges".  Aren't
we surcharged somewhere on Page Three?)  Pages Six through Ten list your
long distance calls: time, place, number, whatever.  (By the way, all these
numbers can change, especially on the last part since not much of you guys
call long distance more than me.)  Check these pages carefully; you won't
believe your eyes ("Call to NYC at 01:55am?"; "Who talked to Turkey for 42
minutes?  Oh, OK, that's mine"; "Where the hell is Kensington?"; "Hey guys,
this means that we used the phone non-stop for four-and-a-half hours on
Nov. 18th, nice!"; "God! I can't believe I called this guy in Pittsburgh 11
times in December!"; "What is this?  Got an 'F' next to it and it still
costs me 3 dollars!" [Remember it's never late to switch back]) [2].

At the end of the long distance list, you get the definitions of the
abbreviations which you may encounter while trying to figure out what
is/was/will be what. ("Hey, this 'V' means 'free speech call.' How come we
never get one of these?  And, what is the exact meaning of 'free speech call'
anyway?  Does this mean we can say whatever we want?")

And on Page Ten, a word from your long distance company... You can send
your friends and family gift certificates instead of -- simply -- calling
them.  And, also lots of registered mark signs.  Some guy came up with the
phrase "calling circle" and it's a registered trademark.  What can I say?
Brilliant!  Ah, and this number for gift certificates... 1-800-395-GIVE.
Why not make it easier to remember, something like... 1-800-111-GIVE,
1-800-MCI-GIVE, or 1-800-ASS-****.  ("Come on guys, you're the phone
company!")  "Thank you and happy holidays from MCI friends and family."
Oh-oh, not that close, you're just my long distance carrier, that's all.

Hey, they even provide the envelope!

[1] M.S. Lauren, K.H. Zupta, "An application of large number theory and
    stochastic processes: Bell Atlantic Phone Bills", Trans. Comm. Syst.
    40(1987)576.

[2] "Life on the Communication Devices: Selected horror stories" Ed.
    by C. Unsal,  pp.101-114,  Xtrablatrum & Descendants Pub. Ltd. 1992.
%e
*EOA*


%t Watermelon Rituals
%n 2R17
%s Another bizarre watermelon ritual, this time from the antipodes.
%a David McGregor Squire  ([e-mail])
%d 19921222
%i University of Melbourne, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
%x Watermelons
%e
Here is another ritualistic use of Watermelons, also practiced on Earth,
albeit "downunder."  But first, some background.

At Melbourne University (Melbourne, Victoria, Australia), there are
several residential colleges.  These colleges play sport against each other.
Now, this serves several purposes.  First, there are those members of the
college who enjoy the playing the sport involved.  For them, the sport is an
end in itself.  Second, there are those who wish to use the sport as a means
of being noticed (by the opposite sex, the same sex, or perhaps even the
Master).  These sorts of things are no doubt much the same the world over.

The most important reason for the playing of sport, however, is that it
gives the non-participating members of the colleges involved the opportunity
to dress up in their college's colors and scream abuse at each other -
immense fun.  This activity can be most agreeably combined with - ALCOHOL.

This behavior reaches its pinnacle on Men's Rowing Day.  The rowing takes
place on the Yarra River in the center of Melbourne.  It is compulsory
(almost) for all members of the rowing colleges to lash all lectures,
pracs, etc. for the day, dress up, put on face paint etc. in college
colors, assemble on the banks of the river, sing songs, and get
mind-buggeringly drunk.

One college, of which I am a member (and have been for years), is called
Queen's.  Queen's is a puzzle to the other colleges, who amuse themselves by
trying to get the members of other colleges wet, and attempting to drown out
the other's songs, perhaps even by (shudder) throwing things at each other.
A couple of years ago, Queen's decided to cut out the middle man and stuff
themselves up, thus assuring themselves of the title "Messiest College
on the Crescent".  This is where (finally) the watermelons come in.

Someone from Queen's brought a watermelon to the rowing.  It was opened
(presumably with a knife).  So far so normal.  The pieces were then
distributed amongst various drunken Queener's (residents of Queen's).  Now,
no-one is exactly sure why what happened next happened.  The pieces were
head-butted.  There ensued an orgastic frenzy of melon-butting, and the air
was filled with a fine red mist of melon juice.  Melon segments were
enthusiastically smashed over peoples heads by their mates, and the red
juice covered their faces and matted their hair.  This single-melon incident
spawned the ritual that now takes place.

Trailer-loads of watermelons are procured by senior members of Queen's and
delivered to the river early on Men's Rowing Day.  At intervals throughout
the day, the Melon-Butting Ritual takes place.  Melons are broken open and
the pieces solemnly distributed.  Freshmen allow the senior members of
College to have the biggest, juiciest pieces.  The Melon-Butters (mostly
male) form orderly lines, and the President of the College gives the
command: "Queener's - Butt your melons".  Each Melon-Butter slams his melon
piece onto the top of his head in unison, and melon juice sprays
magnificently over the nearest spectators.  The lines then break up and
people hold the remnants of their melon for others to butt.  This is all
done with great enthusiasm and evident enjoyment.

The biggest, toughest bloke in a given year may them perform the most
impressive melon-ritual -- the butting open of a whole, uncut, watermelon.
He needs to have a hard head and a strong neck, and to be absolutely pissed
out of his mind.

The students of other colleges simply stare in disbelief.  They have no
comeback.  How can you abuse a bunch of people who do *that* to themselves?
%e
*EOA*


%t Windows
%n 2R18
%s Sure you can see through 'em, but so what?
%a Alex Miller  ([e-mail])
%d 19930208
%e
Windows are important.  They fit in holes in the walls, so that there isn't
a draft.  They also allow us to see the outside world, where someone may be
stealing your brand-new, incredibly expensive car.

Why are windows made of glass?  Well, basically because glass is clear and
reasonably sturdy stuff.  Windows are typically made clear so that you are
able to see whether some guy is in fact stealing your car.  Of course, you
may ask, why were windows made clear before cars were invented to be stolen?
Frankly, it's a mystery.  Research is being conducted at several prestigious
universities.  Another important quality of glass is that it is much more
solid than, say, water.  If windows were made of water they just wouldn't
work right.

An unfortunate side-effect of the clearness of windows is the fact that the
guy stealing your car can also see whether or not you are sitting in your
office, watching him steal your car and getting a description of him.  This
is why many criminals carry guns.  This is also why many offices are now
equipped with multiple turret-mounted machine guns.  But that's another
story.  Anyway, this side-effect can be fixed in several ways, most
commonly by covering the interior of the window at times when the window
is really superfluous or unwished for.  Methods include drapes, shutters,
and venetian blinds.  (The people in Venice need blinds because they use
water for their windows.  This also why they have canals instead of streets.
I warned you that water just doesn't work right when used as a window.)
Another important method is one-sided glass.  This is really neat, because
you can only see through it one way.  No one is sure how this works either.

A popular style of window used for religious or decorative purposes is
stained glass, which combines pieces of colored glass in such a way as to
produce a pattern or picture.  When the light shines through the glass, a
pleasant (some say) image occurs.  Unfortunately, stained glass can rarely
be seen through.  This is why people who go to church are poor -- they
can't see people stealing their cars, and thus are forced ever lower on the
economic scale.

Windows are also significant when broken.  Often children are responsible
for this.  Occasionally, however, some irresponsible pilot breaks a certain
thing called the sound barrier, causing another thing called a sonic boom,
which can shatter windows.  (This is significant, but will not be discussed
here.)  Broken glass contains sharp edges and can be quite painful if
jabbed into any part of the body.  Do not try this unless you are really
stupid (I still wouldn't recommend it, even if you are stupid).

I find windows to be quite attractive and all together more useful than
quite a few other things, like chickens.
%e
*EOA*


%t IRC, Internet Relay Chat
%n 2R19
%s Internet Relay Chat
%a Steven K. H. Siew  ([e-mail])
%d 19930124
%i Computer network chit chat
%e
Also known as Sim Social Life, this virtual world of mindless chit
chat is currently only available to hitchhikers who manage to gain
access to the Internet.  Apart from being an almost complete waste of
bandwidth, IRC also serves to bring people of the rich world much
closer together.  Users of IRC are commonly known as "lusers"
(that's lusers with an U not an O) as demonstrated by the command
"/lusers"

*** There are 515 lusers and 195 invisible on 91 servers
*** 57 lusers have connection to the twilight zone
*** There are 251 channels.
*** I have 30 clients and 1 servers

And here female hitchhikers can enjoy "playing" with the lame IRC
guys without the fear of contracting any VD or viruses except, of
course, the RSI due to staring at the VDU too long or accidentally
catching a network virus or, even worse, horrible worms.

A good starting point for fellow hitchhikers is the channel #talk
where one can pick up conversations varying from diverse topics
ranging from movies to dinner talk, sex to tuition fees, name calling
to fishing, exams to programming, and so on.

A thing to be careful about for any hitchhikers going on the IRC is
that sometimes it's difficult to tell the sex of the other lusers.
Some male lusers have known to pretend to be a female for kicks.  Like
wise but not often, females do the same.

Lusers on the IRC are identified by their "nick"; for example: Internet,
Kalei, Hazel, drnobody, ramin, SIO, squell and so on.  The nick is
totally independent of their real name.  It's like a fantasy world
out there in IRC with gandalf, wintrmute, count0, aragorn, ford and
of course GOD around.

If you are a male, DO NOT, REPEAT, DO NOT choose a nick that sounds
like a female name unless you want sex-starved maniacs to pester you
about bodily pleasures of the most explicit kind.

<Kalei> Inter: They say silly stuff like (these are DIRECT quotes)
"Hey Kalei, U feelin' horny tonight?"
<Kalei> or "Kalei.  You have a beautiful name.  Come join me..."

... or worse (in fact more often worse).

In time you may become addicted to the IRC.  Repeat: the IRC is very
addictive, with thousand of computer faculties across the globe
banning IRC from their students.  Despite the efforts, this terminal
disease still manages to spread its crappy addictive time-wasting
urges into the hearts and souls of many young innocent users, turning
them into hardcore IRC lusers.  IF THIS DOES NOT FRIGHTEN YOU then
you are already hooked.

But there is worse to come.  Even if you are hooked for life, NEVER,
NEVER, NEVER under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES fall in love with another
luser.  The consequences are painful to say the least; this is
especially true if the one you fall in love is more than 1000 miles
away.  Before long you may find yourself singing:

  I would walk 500 miles
  And I would walk 500 more
  Just to see your face and lovely smile
  And to touch you where I can't before

Here is a transcript of an early IRC record by a drnobody on his home
brew IRC client by the name of ReTardis:

drnobody> Hello DD
drnobody> What does DD stand for?
:DD> Diamond Dave
drnobody> I have to perfect my ReTardis
:DD> kinda like Dave, a girl's best friend
drnobody> Lots of bugs
:DD> what the hell is a retardis
drnobody> really eccentric Tardis
drnobody> I hope you know what a Tardis is
:DD> *lost*
drnobody> Tardis = Time And Relative Dimension In Space
:DD> sorry no idea
drnobody> Don't you watch Dr Who?
:DD> OK what ever
drnobody> Actually ReTardis is an IRC Client
:DD> nope sorry I watch girls
drnobody> naked girls?
:DD> yeah when the beer flows freely on the boat
drnobody> what boat?
:DD> the boat I'm on now
drnobody> You are on a boat?
drnobody> How did you connect to irc?
:DD> cellular phone
drnobody> So cellular phone to university to irc eh?
:DD> that's the ticket
drnobody> Must have cost a lot
:DD> about 3 mil
drnobody> What's a mil?  Million or the local currency?
:DD> million
drnobody> Who's paying?
:DD> my dad
drnobody> Are you rich or what?
:DD> nah not really
drnobody> I have to reset all my controls
:DD> I own a 5000 acre ranch
drnobody> So what are you studying in University?
drnobody> you are not from Finland are you?
:DD> I don't go to school I design automation systems for Bryan Foods
:DD> no
drnobody> Where are you from then?
:DD> starkville ms is my home
drnobody> Where is ms?
:DD> where are you from
drnobody> Australia
:DD> ahh I'm from the USA
drnobody> Where in US?
:DD> state of mississippi
:DD> southern state
drnobody> Is your boat at sea or river
:DD> I'm on a river right now headed for my home port; just left the
gulf of mexico two weeks ago
drnobody> hold on I am trying to find it in the atlas
:DD> ok look at the southeast corner of the us
drnobody> I am still trying to find your place.
drnobody> Where is your home town?
:DD> have you found mississippi??
drnobody> Yes,
drnobody> How long have you been at sea?  or river?
:DD> my home is in the northeast corner of the state
drnobody> Near Tupelo?
drnobody> My atlas is not a very clear or detail one.
:DD> south of there
:DD> it is about 80 miles south of there
drnobody> Must be a nice place to live.
drnobody> What do you have on your ranch?
:DD> my home port is just north of columbus
:DD> cattle about 2000 head at present
drnobody> I only have Cleveland, Greensville, Greenwood, Yazoo City
drnobody> on the atlas.
drnobody> Hello world!
drnobody> DD: Is that your Boat?
:DD> do you see the river that runs from mobile, alabama (gulf)
to tennessee?
drnobody> Is that the Tombigbee river?
:DD> yes that's it
drnobody> OOH I get it.  Thanks
:DD> ahh starkvillian here
:DD> hmmm I don't think so; I don't go to school and I just moved here
about 6 months ago
drnobody> DD: Where are you originally from?  6 months ago?
:DD> Texas originally
drnobody> DD: own any oil?
:DD> my dad has 5 gas wells
drnobody> DD: You must have a very lucky Dad.
:DD> his dad before him was lucky
drnobody> DD: nice family
drnobody> DD: do you have to take up your family business?
:DD> well I'm into automation programming that is my work
drnobody> DD: sounds good.
drnobody> It's winter right now in Melbourne.
drnobody> Freezing cold!!!!!!


Here is a transcript of IRC as it is today on channel #talk:

IRC log started Sun Jan 24 02:19
*** Value of LOG set to ON
<Sik> choo: too many duplicated bots oping eachother... not good
<Mikeeb> nah I just read tin for junk mail
<Nuclear> boba:  I have a bunch of lewd jokes someone keeps sending me...
<Cholera> choo: I think bot makers get tired after awhile anyway.
<Squell> pan..and what does he want?
*** Strubi ([e-mail]) has joined channel #talk
<Strubi> hi there :)
<Panadol> i bloody well LIVE street away from him... he jus wants to
meet you
<BobaFettt> Nuclear send me anything
<Squell> g'day sturbi
<Smoovy> Hi, strubi!
<Sik> hiya strubi
<choo> cholera, and others then come instead of them
<Mikeeb> Wish I got more mail though
<Nuclear> boba:  would you like me to put you on my joke distribution list?
<BobaFettt> Nuclear: I need to get a good grade in my class
<Strubi> yoo sik ! how's life ? :)
<Nuclear> Hey stubi
<choo> and the total number rises up
<Panadol> he makes a habit of meeting all the local irc girls rl
<Strubi> hi everybody :)
<Sik> strubi: life is so-so :/
<Cholera> choo: I give choo..
<choo> here, i'll go and count it out
<Panadol> hiya strub:)
<BobaFettt> Nuclear: Send me Everything you can
<Squell> pan...ick..i don't know about that guy seems weird
<Nuclear> boba non sequitur?
<Strubi> sik, same here....wahhh
<Cholera> choo: Go ahead and ban all the bots.  I'm not going to
convince you, and you aren't going to convince me,.
<Nuclear> boba:  What are you taking, email 101? *rofl*
<Panadol> no he's not weird, he jus wants to meet you
<choo> brb
<Squell> opan...when did he say that?
*** choo has left channel #talk
*** Action: Sik hugs cal
*** Action: Nuclear agrees with choo
<Panadol> he's met every other local irc girl
<BobaFettt> Nuclear: Computer Communications
<cal> sik...:)
*** Mikeeb is now known as retregsf
<Squell> pan..that guy seems really sly....sad case to be honest
*** Action: Shanny gives SIo a big hug and hopes he feels better
IRC Log ended *** Sun Jan 24 02:21

The future for IRC is hard to predict: will it forever be lost to
the mindless chatter of the nerds, or will it blossom into a more
weirder form of mass hallucination, or better still bring forth world
peace and understanding?  In the years to come IRC may even break
through the 1000 lusers barrier and let loose IRC on the world.
%e
*EOA*


%t Des Moines, Iowa, USA, Earth
%n 2R20
%s The Land of Pigs and Corn
%a Warren Kurt vonRoeschlaub  ([e-mail])
%d 19930117
%i Iowa
%x Earth
%e
Many people think that Des Moines is a small town in the middle of nowhere
with nothing interesting to see in it.  They are right.  However, this does
not mean that the average hitchhiker should skip stopping there.  Since Des
Moines sits in the dead center of Interstate 80, the road that connects New
York to San Francisco, anyone making a trip from one half of the US to the
other will probably be passing by anyway.

If nothing else, one could certainly pick up a great deal of novelty items
with a pig motif, many of which are truly hideous.

Another place to visit is the Iowa Historical Farms.  This is located just
off the parkway as it traverses the western edge of the city.  It consists
of several farms from different eras in US history, all in full operation
using only the correct period machinery.  Do not visit if you are bothered
by flies.  Do not visit in the middle of August unless you have worn a ski
jacket in Malaysia and thought it was quite cool.

One of Des Moines' biggest celebrities is Tiny Tim.  No he wasn't born
there; Tiny Tim was born in New York City.  And he doesn't live there, he
lives in Los Angeles.  But apparently Tiny Tim does like the city, since he
drops by all the time, usually to make a commercial, or host a talk show on
the radio.  Don't be surprised if all the radio personalities in the area are
talking about what a great guy he is, even if he is 70 years old and still
goes by the name "Tiny."

If you are interested in famous people, Harriet Nelson and Sada Thompson
were born in Des Moines.  Don't be upset if you have never heard of them;
nobody has.  Not even people who live in Des Moines.

Des Moines has a population of about 190,000 people, which is about as big
as many other thriving metropolitan areas, like Ewa, Hawaii, or Spokane,
Washington.  However, Des Moines covers such a large area that it doesn't
feel nearly as crowded.  One third of Des Moines is malls, with only the
remaining two thirds left for small businesses, factories, office buildings,
and residential areas.  Don't go to Des Moines if you have mallophobia.

What about that rich Iowan history?  Well, thousands of years ago, people
crossed the land bridge from Asia into the Americas.  Some of them, known as
the "mound builders" because their neighbors were jealous that they liked to
build hills, settled in Iowa.  This was so that the mounds they built would
be the highest point in the state.

In 1673, two explorers named Marquette and Joliette (they were French and
could get away with names like that) visited the mound builders.  Only a
fragment of the original discourse remains:

Marquette: "We claim this land in the name of France."
Chief Mound Builder: "Hey, we were here first you know."
Joliette: "Did I mention the infantry we brought with us?"
Chief Mound Builder: "Vivre la France!"

Despite this setback, the mound builders were able to adjust to eating a lot
of bread and being rude to foreigners until the United States purchased
Iowa in 1803.  The mound builders were then moved from Iowa and given a plot
of land in southern New Jersey.
%e
*EOA*


%t Gravity
%n 2R21
%s All the average person needs to know about gravitation
%a Andrew Mark Kuchling  ([e-mail])
%d 19930208
%i General Relativity
%i Tensor Calculus
%e
One of the most remarkable forces in the universe is known as
gravitation.  There are other fundamental forces, ranging from the two
nuclear forces to electromagnetism, but none of them is of any
importance to anyone who doesn't want to spend their life considering
time-retarded integrals, group theory, and the horrible decor of physics
classrooms.  We can see why by considering Newton's law of gravitation:

          F=G*m[1]*m[2]/(r^2)  : G is a proportionality constant,
                                 m[1] and m[2] are the two masses,
                                 and r is the distance between them.

As far as we know, G is constant at all times and at all points in the
universe.  Gravity always attracts (there are no negative masses) while
electromagnetism can also repel; thus, it is extremely difficult to build
up a large amount of charge in one location.  Gravity decreases with r^2,
while the nuclear forces decrease with e^r, meaning they are noticeable only
over subatomic distances.

Therefore, these other forces can be safely left to the glossy pages of
physics journals, where they won't cause any harm beyond the publication
of theoretical papers.  (Physics lore claims that, asked to prove the
stability of a table, a theoretical physicist can quickly derive a solution
for a table with an infinite number of legs, and will then spend the next
thirty years trying to solve the special case of a table with a finite,
non-zero number of legs.)  Gravity, on the other hand, is important to
anyone who wants to travel through space and arrive at a given point on
the first try.  The various theories of gravitation lead to many interesting
results, such as bread always falling on the carpet with the butter-and-
jam side down, black holes forming, and lost change vanishing into sofa
crevices.

Unfortunately, all these really interesting gravitational phenomena require
a knowledge of General Relativity to understand.  Newtonian gravity is
almost exclusively used to derive orbits, and celestial mechanics has
become a nightmare of eccentricities, tidal forces, and mathematical
techniques all invented by Frenchmen whose names begin with 'L'.  Any
society needing really accurate orbital calculations is capable of building
computers able to numerically integrate them.

Therefore, in the real universe you don't have to worry about getting
actual symbolic expressions for orbital parameters; it's simpler to dump
all the masses and velocities into a suitable program and hope the
programmers responsible for the floating point routines weren't prone to
forgetting to check the carry flag.

General Relativity, on the other hand, deals with black holes, space
warps, time travel, and all the other things one finds badly mangled in
Shirley MacLaine's books.  To do this, however, one is forced to use
tensor calculus, a generalization of vector and scalar calculus that is
best defined as the field where one uses every Greek letter as both
super- and sub-scripts simultaneously.  Many theorems can be proved by
writing down some basic equations and manipulating them until an error
is made that lets the proof be easily completed.  (Confusing the letter
zeta with anything else is frequently used.  When handwritten, either
very quickly or with the greatest care, zeta always ends up looking like
a random squiggle; there is a Nobel Prize waiting for anyone who manages
to replace zeta with something simpler, like a 10-stroke Chinese ideogram.)

Errors in derivations have occasionally caused comical results; for
example, one result for the effect of emission of gravitational radiation
by two orbiting neutron stars was antidamping.  The emission of the
radiation would supposedly increase the orbital velocities, and hence
increase further emission, and so on.  Someone actually managed to get
that result published, thus proving that inhaling chalk dust over long
periods does indeed cause brain damage.

While a knowledge of all of the above may be useful for small talk at
cocktail parties, it probably isn't.
%e
*EOA*


%t McGill University, Montreal, Quebec, Canada, Earth
%n 2R22
%s A high, cold place overlooking the universe (and Sherbrooke St.)
%a Andrew Mark Kuchling  ([e-mail])
%d 19930208
%x Earth
%e
A respectable hitchhiker is, of course, a contradiction in terms.
Hence, one of the places towards which hitchhikers gravitate is
frequently a college, university or other location of purportedly
higher education.  Here one can encounter eccentric geniuses,
promiscuous political science students, robotic graduate students, and
the occasional sober engineer.  Also present are libraries,
laboratories, computers, security staff, cafeterias, and professors.

To this standard design, McGill University adds one refinement: large
falling masses of ice and snow.  The extreme steepness of many roofs
at McGill means that in spring one must exercise extreme caution when
moving from building to building, unless one enjoys the tingly feeling
of having a 50-centimeter icicle embedded in one's cranium.  Smart
visitors either avoid walking under eaves or stay away from the
eastern side of the campus.  Extremely smart visitors may leave
immediately (or, better yet, avoid McGill completely) but they will
miss the opportunity to visit the University Center, recently renamed
the William Shatner University Center to honor a past graduate who
has done absolutely nothing for the university, but a great deal for
comedians.

Despite this drawback, McGill is still a wonderful place to visit.
Not because of anything intrinsically fascinating in the institution
itself, but because of its central location in the downtown core of
Montreal.  A walk of fifteen minutes in one direction will put you in
front of the Montreal Museum of Fine Arts and its attendant art galleries,
high-toned boutiques, and ferociously expensive restaurants (where to
enter wearing denim will lead to immediate arrest); going in the other
direction, one will wind up on St. Laurent street, remarkable for the
highest concentration of tattoo parlors in the city (handy for occupying
those one-hour breaks between classes).

There is an odd dichotomy at McGill.  It was built from donations by
rich, privileged Montrealers, and practically all of its buildings bear
their names.  The usual tie-dyed minority complains of the bedrock of
oppression McGill rests upon, yet, instead of leaving the place in
disgust, they write articles for the newspapers and demand partial
funding for staff parties.  (This is similar to the Guide's system,
except that the Guide is acquired voluntarily.)  The rest of the student
body ignores them, and continues kicking recycling bins out of the way
as it stampedes into courses rumored to be easy A's.

Unfortunately, McGill's past status as the premier educational institution
in Canada is shrinking rapidly (like its enrollment).  Library
underfunding, a multi-million dollar debt, a declining and pathetic
student population, and the increasing stupidity of both student and
academic administrations, all point toward a dark future.  Hitchhikers
wishing to visit McGill as a university, and not as a collection of
decaying buildings, are advised to hurry.
%e
*EOA*


%t Program Structure Wars
%n 2R23
%a Andrew Mark Kuchling  ([e-mail])
%s A silly verbal tempest in an even sillier teapot
%d 19930223
%i Computer Language Wars
%i Structured Programming
%e
Controversy swirls around computers like chocolate in a marbled cake.
Aficionados battle over different models, operating systems, and
applications.  It is a universal fact that the vehemence of an
argument is in inverse relationship to the importance of the arguers.
Perhaps the most violent of these debates center around computer
languages.  There are two extremist camps in the debate:

          1)  The Structured Programming crowd:  This camp believes
              programs should be clearly and logically broken down into
              small modules, each one of which will be given a separate
              procedure.  They also claim that many errors can be
              prevented by implementing a strong type checking system so
              that different data types (such as integer and real numbers)
              are not interchangeable, and attempting to use one instead of
              the other results in an error.  Truly fanatic Structured
              Programmers can easily be recognized; they are the ones
              simultaneously maintaining flowcharts, pseudocode and
              procedure trees as they develop a program.  Their favorite
              languages require one to memorize countless functions to
              convert from integer to real, character to integer, Boolean
              to character, meaning one has to disentangle skeins of
              conversion functions.  This is supposed to make program code
              understandable at a glance.  It doesn't.

          2)  The Unstructured Programming group:  This group hates to
              have any rules imposed on them.  Many of them cut their
              teeth on tiny microcomputers, and because of this early
              experience believe that every line of a program must be
              absolutely optimal for the machine it's running on.  Any
              technique which is not the fastest one possible is
              unacceptable.  For example, benchmarks showed that the
              Commodore 64's BASIC evaluated a lone '.' as zero faster
              than it would a '0'.  Many BASIC programs were full of lines
              like 'FOR I=. TO 255', even in cases where the resulting
              speedup would be nonexistent, such as in initialization code
              which is executed exactly once per execution of the program.
              Such programmers dislike leaving anything to a compiler, and
              prefer to hand-optimize compiled object code.  Moving such
              code to a different system is a nightmarish task, because
              the instructions were carefully crafted to fit a certain
              machine; unstructured programmers live in deathly fear of
              upgrading (with good reason).

The acrimonious debate between the two parties is eternal.  Unstructured
programmers use languages like Fortran and C; structured programmers like
Niklaus Wirth's languages, such as Pascal and Oberon.  Enormous amounts
of time are spent arguing over which language is superior, and over whether
structured programming is a blessing or a curse.  Truly intelligent people
don't belong to either religion.

The third group in this melee is that of the Moderates.  Moderates
completely agree that structuring programs logically into procedures,
and using type checking to ensure parameters and results are correctly
handled, are Good Things.  However, they also know that there are an
infinite number of programming situations that a language will have to
handle, and that no language designer will be able to foresee them
all.  Therefore, it is best if a language is loose enough to allow
dodging some of its constraints while using others to guard against
error; otherwise, limitations that seemed reasonable on the drawing
board will become straitjackets, forcing the program code into obscure
contortions to accomplish its goal.

From this point of view, all languages are fairly even.  With enough
care, beautifully designed programs can be written in any of them, and
there will never be a language in which it will be difficult to write
bad programs.  But choosing a language carefully means getting the
best of both worlds; safety from careless errors and freedom to
design elegant systems.
%e
*EOA*


%t Sleep
%n 2R24
%s The stuff dreams are made of
%a Alex Miller  ([e-mail])
%d 19920202
%e
Sleep is fundamentally good.

It is something to be enjoyed, worshipped, loved, and cherished.  Humans
spend rather a large part of their lives either sleeping or wishing they
were.  The problem is most people don't take time to enjoy their sleep, to
revel in the very essence of sleepiness and how good it is to finally drift
off, away from the world.

Besides being all-together enjoyable, sleep is necessary for us to lead
normal, productive lives, the scientists say.  Sleep research has revealed
that the brain must have this "down-time" in order to be able to deal with
reality and consciousness the rest of the time.  Research has revealed that
the most restful type of sleep occurs while humans undergo Rapid Eye
Movement, or REM.  During so-called REM sleep there are spasms of the eye
muscles that are clearly visible to an observer.  Some of the more sadistic
sleep research has been on the subject of sleep depravation, or going for
extended periods of time without sleep.  Scientists have found that sleep
depravation, which leads to REM depravation, can have severe effects over
relatively short periods of time.  For instance, nuclear reactor failures
and problems have largely been linked to operator fatigue.

As a college student, I can attest that students are perhaps hit hardest
in the need for sleep.  In fact, to the college student, the entire
educational experience can sometimes appear to be a giant sleep
depravation experiment.  The typical student leads a schedule of sufficient
weirdness that sleep is not a part of the regular routine.  Hence, the
age-old student problems of sleeping through a day (or week) of classes
and sleeping during class are not something to be solved, but tolerated.
It is also important to note that unusual sleeping habits do tend to have
an adverse effect on grades.  (However, this is the least of the typical
student's problems.)

There is also the matter of sleeping style.  Everyone has a unique style,
or method of sleeping, whether they are aware of it or not.  In fact, they
often aren't aware of it, because they are sleeping while it is taking
place.  Perhaps the most common sleeping trait is snoring, which can range
from a gentle sniffling to a great hawking roar of a honk, sure to wake
people for miles around.  Others find that they tend to walk or talk in
their sleep which can lead to a number of interesting and potentially
dangerous positions.  For instance, I have heard tales of a sleeping college
student who mistook a fellow student's room for the urinal in the deep of
the night, leading to a rather unfortunate end for everyone involved.  As
children and occasionally later in life, many humans have problems
controlling their bladder at night.  This is always a consideration when
searching for a roommate.

A final sleeping problem is that of insomnia, or an inability to fall
asleep even when one is quite tired.  There are many classic ways to
solve this problem, such as counting sheep or drinking warm milk.  I
personally prefer a good knock with a lead pipe - I've never seen it fail.

"To sleep, perchance to dream," said Hamlet, and although he was really
talking about death, I think it applies anyway.  Dreaming can be a
wonderful thing, fulfilling your fantasies, or it can be a terrible thing,
leaving you in a cold sweat, terrified to leave your room.  Either way,
it is the ultimate story-making machine, far better than movies or books,
because it relies on the imagination without form.  Often, however, this
lack of form can also lead to strange or surprising results.  Consider,
for instance, the dream of yourself in a public place, but without a stitch
of clothing.  Sound familiar?  Freud used dreams as the basis for his work
because he believed that they were a window into the unconscious, a way to
see into a person's soul.  Nifty stuff, all together.

Sweet dreams.
%e
*EOA*


%t University of Western Sydney, New South Wales, Australia, Earth
%n 2R25
%s How not to get a Bachelors of Computer Science in Australia
%a Leigh J C Kennedy  ([e-mail])
%d 19920416
%i Computer Science Down Under
%i Computing in the Land of Oz
%x Earth
%x Australia, Earth
%e
About 200 years ago, the British started sending people to Australia for
crimes that they had committed.  That wasn't the problem.  The problem
was, what these people were meant to do when they were released.  Faced
with a long boat ride back to a land where it never stopped raining,
many of these people decided to stay.  They did rather foolish things
like form governments, which eventually (180 or so years omitted) lead
to the need for an Australian computer industry.

"What has this got to do with the University of Western Sydney," you may
ask.  Well, this computer industry found it needed people skilled in all
areas of Computer Science, not the theory-filled clones that were coming
from all other uni's around the world.  What was needed were mean,
hard-nosed code crunchers, and analysts who ate classical models for
breakfast.

The University of Western Sydney heard this call and responded like no
other.  It created students who owned an assembler and weren't afraid to
use it; it made them learn that RTFM is not really user-friendly
programming; and it made analysts who were willing to kill to get a
decent development budget.  After some whining from the financial
sector, it finally relented and taught them COBOL, but only if the
students promised never to use it.

"So what is the problem," you ask.
"Why do the students wince every time they see their academic transcripts?"

There was only one problem, but it was a big one.

The NAME!!!

Between the time that the degree was worked out and any students were
actually admitted to the course, bureaucracy stepped in.  It was not a
Computer Science degree they said - there was not enough theory.  It
was not a Computer Engineering degree they said - not enough systems
design.  Everyone agreed that it was far to intense for a Information
Systems degree, so what to call it?

The bureaucracy in their infinite wisdom decided that because the degree
concentrated more on the application of skills than mere theory, that
it would be called "Applied" something.  There was no question that the
degree was a computing one so they said it was "in computing".  After
much infighting between departments (possible names were Bachelors of
Applied Finance in Computing, Bachelors of Applied Biology in Computing
and even Bachelors of Applied Sheep Husbandry in Computing), it was
finally decided that Science and Technology could have the degree and it
became Bachelors of Applied Science in Computing.

You still don't see this as a problem?  Well, there is more.

After the name was decided and the first students started to enroll, a
slimy little accountant got to learn of this new degree (NB: I have no
proof that the accountant was slimy, but based on other accountants I
have met I think it is a pretty safe bet).  This accountant noticed that
the Bachelors of Applied Science in Computing was really much too long a
name, and after convincing the university board (with a few dozen cases
of Foster's), the name was cut to just Bachelors of Applied Science.
Hundreds of students were left trying to convince prospective employers
that they really did know what they were talking about (which in a few
cases they actually did).

So hear my warning, all computing students around the world.  Do not
complain when they teach you FORTRAN; smile when they tell you that
BASIC is really a highly-structured language: at least you have the name.
%e
*EOA*


%t Defecation
%n 2R26
%s It's not just a bodily function... it's an enjoyable pastime!
%a Scott Bale (a.k.a. Wild Cheese)
; Author accessible via Alex Miller  ([e-mail])
%d 19930403
%e
Bowel movements take up a large amount of an individual's waking life and,
in the fast-paced, hurried, etc. way of life these days, free time does
not come easy.  I have found, through extensive research, that one's
time on the throne is an excellent opportunity for relaxation, stimulating
intellectual reading, or quiet reflection on one's life.

My roommate and I have been keeping a defecation log in order to spot
patterns or deduce the circumstances behind a good dump.  By numbering
our dumps and dating them, plotting them against factors such as overall
enjoyment (1-10), splash factor (1-10), significant odors, and other
important variants, we have made some interesting discoveries.

It seems the most important contribution to a satisfactory excretion is the
rectal dilation; there is a definite direct proportion between the data in
the Estimated Rectal Dilation column (cm) and the Overall Enjoyment column.
It seems the sensation from the rectal dilation is the most significant
contributor to overall peace of mind, euphoria, and relaxation during a
dump, to which all other factors depend on for enjoyment.  Further
analyzing the data, we found that the most pleasing dilation fell in the
interval of 2.75 to 3.5 centimeters.  Graphing the whole range of dilations
produced a Maxwellian Distribution Curve, with 3.10 being the top of the
curve.  To the left of this value, smaller dilations were less likely to
produce significant sensations to affect one's state of mind, while to the
right of this value, higher dilations produced bleeding, excruciating pain,
and eventually unconsciousness, as my roommate found when experiencing an
estimated dilation of 6.5 centimeters, as the proctologist later reported.

To continue, there was also a direct proportion between Viscosity (1-10)
and Estimated Rectal Dilation (cm), indicating that Viscosity is the
direct controller of dilation.  After plotting the data, my roommate
and I found a general equation relating Viscosity (V) to Rectal Dilation
(D):  V=kD, "k" being the Poop Constant.  However, this accounts only
for Viscosity up to 8.5 (nearly rock solid) and dilations up to 6.5 cm,
and should be subject to further research.

Reading Materials were also an important variable.  While not actually
affecting the nature of the bowel movement itself, it seemed that dumps
were much more enjoyable if reading materials were involved.  This data
is more prone to speculation, but comic books, letters from friends, or
other more frivolous forms of reading were preferred over novels or other
more serious forms of reading.  However, in the absence of the preferred
reading material, it seems the subject would much prefer to have anything
to read and, in extreme cases, would rather read the graffiti on the
stall walls or the political ads than look at one's own stark naked
torso sitting on the porcelain throne.
%e
*EOA*


%t Computer Malfunctions
%n 2R27
%s An exploration in computer physiology
%a Scott Bale (a.k.a. Wild Cheese)
; Author accessible via Alex Miller  ([e-mail])
%d 19930403
%e
In light of the recent rash of computmm mmfnccttzzns, mgrugle plux arggxgle
cjJl  m44 *)W $ ssnapalm 89F325sfxxfj;sl  y mlg cows dlg;d cow cow cowscows
cowsCOWs cOWSCOWS!!!



%e
*EOA*


%t Rules of Car Chasing
%n 2R28
%s Legal and Illegal
%a Scott Bale (a.k.a. Wild Cheese)
; Author accessible via Alex Miller  ([e-mail])
%d 19930409
%e
To be involved legally in a car chase you must somehow be an enforcer of
the law, in which case the rules are:  anything goes.  Cut through yards,
exit from entrance ramps, cut through department stores, run over fire
hydrants, smash up your car or the bad guy's.  As long as no one innocent
is injured and no more than $50,000 in damage to public property occurs,
you are well within the confines of appropriate social etiquette.  If, as
an officer of the law, you fail to apprehend the criminal in question, it
is advisable to somehow crash your car and injure yourself "in the line of
duty" to receive sympathy and lessen your chances of being reprimanded.  I
recommend jerking the wheel and allowing the car to careen into vacated
but visible areas, such as public fountains.  If possible, arrange for the
car to overturn, crumple, or blow up.

To be involved illegally in a car chase you are probably breaking the law
and therefore the rules are:  anything goes.  In fact, you have an
advantage over enforcers of the law in that criminals are not expected to
observe the $50,000 limit/no innocent victims rule.  Whether or not to
take advantage of this is a matter of personal taste.  On one hand,
plowing through a pack of Cub Scouts might improve your chances of
escape if the cops can't follow you; on the other hand, getting pedestrians
lodged up in the transmission might detract from your car's performance.
Keep in mind that, on Earth, killing someone will almost certainly make
your prison term much shorter.
%e
*EOA*


%t Tea
%n 2R29
%s Tea: a drink, a shrub, a meal.
%a Alexander Lachlan McLintock  ([e-mail])
%d 19930409
%i Chinese Restaurants
%e
"Tea", along with "set", has one of the highest "meanings per letter"
ratios in the English language.  In England, United Kingdom, Earth "tea"
is usually a drink made from recently boiled hot water, a white liquid
taken from cows, granulated sugar and, most importantly, dried leaves from
the shrub or small tree Camellia sinensis.  This shrub is also known as
"tea", but very few people consider where their tea leaves come from
before they reach the supermarket shelves.  These shrubs have been grown
in China for thousands of years, and it is only recently (since the
seventeenth century) that this plant has been widely available in Europe.
In the nineteenth century, it was discovered that the Assam region in India
also grew tea.  It now grows in several other countries.  Tea shrubs likes
high rainfall, equable temperatures, and high humidity.

Picking the tea leaves is somewhat of a mystery.  A certain famous tea
wholesaler in the UK proudly boasts that it only picks the top leaf off of
each bush.  This seems extremely inefficient considering how much tea the
British public consumes.  It also points to how poorly paid tea pickers
are.

In the Orient, the tea drinking ceremony is something of a ritual.  In the
British Isles the ceremony of tea has largely been lost.  Tea is now seen
as a means to warming yourself, something to dip your McVitie's digestive
biscuits in, something to wash down you supper with.  The ceremony only
survives because of certain "tea snobs" and Chinese restaurants.

Chinese Restaurants often serve you with jasmine tea before you even order
your meal.  This is made from parts of the jasmine flowering bush, but
contains no milk (the aforementioned white substance from cows) or sugar.
It is extremely bad form to ask for either milk or sugar.  You are not
normally charged for this tea if served unasked for, and you may even ask
for refills of hot water, for infusion with the old leaves.  Do _not_
complain about bits of jasmine floating about in your cup.  And never
stick your hand or fingers into your cup to remove them!

"Tea Snobs" are both a blessing and a pain.  On one hand they maintain a
vital part of British culture.  On the other, they try to constrict your
human rights about eating food how you wish.  Here is a description of how
to prepare tea.  (It should be noted that although there are many forms of
coffee makers, there are no widely available automatic tea makers.)

Boil a kettle.  If it is one which does not turn itself off, then make sure
that it has a piercing whistle attachment which can be heard over Nirvana
playing on your stereo hi-fi.  In the meantime, find yourself a teapot and
a bone china cup and saucer.  The teapot can be any sensible substance but
silver is preferred by real snobs who can pay someone else to keep it
polished.  Pour half an inch of milk into the bottom of the cup.  Do not
use the equivalent metric volume as only Imperial measures may be used.
This may be to cool the drink before it comes into contact with the china,
to prevent the cup from cracking.  I have not tested this theory.  Do not
add the tea to teapot yet.  You have to scald it first.  When boiled, put
some hot water into the teapot, swirl it around a bit to warm up the
inside, and then discard this water.  This simultaneously washes the
teapot and makes sure that the water being mixed with the tea is still at
boiling point and not massively cooled.  Add your tea to the pot and
immediately add water and close the lid.  The amount of water and tea
depends upon the number of people present and the size of the pot.  A
favorite saying when using teabags is "one per person, and one for the
pot".  If available, cover the teapot with a tea cosy.  This is a woollen
hat-like object which will insulate the teapot against the cold.  When the
tea has brewed for long enough (determined by the colour of the liquid),
pour into cups, and then ask each person how many spoons of sugar they
would like.  No lumps please!  Drink the tea, and note your mistakes for
your next attempt.

Note, if you used loose leaves in your pot then you must pour your tea
through a tea-strainer.  This is a sieve the width of a normal cup, and
will catch any bits of tea which make it up the spout.

Most forms of tea drinking in Britain are variants on the above recipe.
Usually items are swapped for other items, or left out entirely!  One
such replacement for milk is lemon juice.  An alternative to sugar
might be honey, or sweetex, or nutrasweet.

Tea is also an evening meal in which the drinking of tea plays an
important part.

Perhaps the most pleasurable tea experience, short of sex on a bed of used
tea bags, is the eating of Marmite toast dipped in strong hot tea.  This
is best served at breakfast time.

Tea distributors are now being forced to come up with advertising gimmicks
with which to sell their brand of tea.  It is becoming more and more
difficult to find tea sold in _square_ bags, the trend being towards round
bags.  The infamous chimpanzees, who traditionally had their tea parties
at the zoo, now cavort all over the nation's television screens in clothes
and uttering sweet words of praise for their benefactors' tea.  The name
of their employer?  PG Tips.

Or perhaps that should be "_P_roject _G_alactic Tips"?
%e
*EOA*


%t Rationalization
%n 2R31
%a Daniel A. Bowman  ([e-mail])
%s The real use for philosophy.
%d 19930519
%i Philosophy, The Real Use For
%x Bluffer's Guides, The
%x Work
%e
The ability to rationalize is an invaluable skill for today's
hitchhiker, second only to the art of bluffing.  The proper use of this
skill enables the hitchhiker to accomplish all sorts of amazing feats,
one of the most wondrous of these being the ability to get out of
doing any physical or mental labor that might be required.  This is done
simply by convincing oneself that you have done enough work and a good
rest is in order.  Unfortunately, to completely avoid the pangs of
conscience that will undoubtedly accompany such a decision, one must be
truly adept at the art of rationalization.  This much sought-after degree
of mastery takes many years of practice.  The only good side to this
is the fact that you are practicing your rationalization techniques is
a great excuse for getting out of work.

Another good use for rationalization is to convince yourself that the
guy you just stole that car from didn't really need it as much as you do
(I mean, _he_ doesn't have to get out of town because of that bank job
you just pulled) and besides, you're not really stealing it, just
borrowing it without his knowing, which really isn't the same thing....
As you can see, there is a lot of money to be made in philosophy.
%e
*EOA*


%t Top Ten Traveling Songs
%n 2R32
%s Songs to sing while wandering.
%a Daniel A. Bowman  ([e-mail])
%d 19930518
%x Solutions To Drinking Problems
%x Work
%e
Throughout the ages, wanderers have sung, whistled, hummed, or otherwise
attempted to carry a tune in hopes of making their journey more pleasant.
There have even been legends that certain songs will in some way magically
aid a wanderer (i.e., quickening the healing of injuries, making him more
brave in battle, enabling him to "walk" after having visited a pub, etc).
Attempts to dispel this fallacy were hindered considerably by the
introduction of the "Bard's Tale" (TM) saga.

At any rate, it is quite true that a good song will make the hardships of
travel somewhat more bearable.  With this in mind, I have taken it upon
myself to list ten of my favorite traveling songs.  These songs were chosen
for their high ratings in three important areas.  These are as follows:

          1) Is it a good song?

          2) Is it lyrically pertinent to the traveling motif?

          3) Does it have a catchy tune that can easily be
             sung, hummed, whistled, or de-dum-da-dumed to?


With that, I give you the Top Ten Traveling songs:


          10) "Like A Rolling Stone" by Bob Dylan

              This is a wonderful little song about what it is like to be
              without food, shelter, and friendship.  It is quite
              depressing, but this gives the added advantage of making
              people feel sorry for you.  If you're lucky, you might even
              get someone to provide you with food, shelter, and friendship,
              thereby saving you from one of the horrors of modern life:
              work.

          9) "Wherever I May Roam" by Metallica (Hetfield/Ulrich)

             This is a great metal song that speaks of independence and
             pride.  This is a good song to sing when you're feeling lonely
             and you'd prefer not feeling that way.  It is a good way to
             convince yourself that you don't need anyone's help.

          8) "Keep The Customer Satisfied" by Simon and Garfunkel

             This song is about the world being against you.  It is a good
             song to sing when you want to arouse pity in someone.  But use
             caution, the song is a bit on the whiny side and may have the
             reverse effect on some people.

          7) "Carry on Wayward Son" by Kansas

             It is a wonderful motivational song.  If you feel like you
             can't go on, then sing this.

          6) "Fly By Night" by Rush (Lee/Peart)

             If you screwed up in the place that you're at or you want to
             start your life anew, this is the song to sing while you're
             running away.

          5) "Cloudy" by Simon and Garfunkel

             This is a great happy-go-lucky wandering song.  If you have no
             place to go, you like it that way, and you're wandering anyway,
             then you are in the proper state of mind to sing this song.  It
             is a wonderful way to be.

          4) "Going To California" by Led Zeppelin (Plant/Page)

             Hey, it's Zeppelin. Need I say more?

          3) "Graceland" by Paul Simon

             This is a song for those that are searching for some primal
             truth.  It is believed that no one, not even Paul Simon,
             understands this song to any great degree, but that is exactly
             what makes it so valuable for those searching within even as
             they search without.

          2) "The Gold It's In The..." by Pink Floyd (Waters/Gilmour)

             This song expresses perfectly a state of mind.  It embodies the
             essence of the traveling spirit.  The destination doesn't
             matter so much as the journey.

          1) "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" by Eric Idle

             This song delivers a very important message -- a message that
             should never be forgotten if you intend to enjoy life to the
             fullest.  Besides, it's funny as hell.

Well, there you have it, the Top Ten Traveling Songs according to me.
Happy singing!  (Oh, and try not to annoy too many locals while you're
passing through....)
%e
*EOA*


%t Watford, London, United Kingdom, Earth
%n 2R33
%s The town of Watford, north-west of London, UK, Earth.
%a Alexander Lachlan McLintock  ([e-mail])
%d 19930315
%i Places not to admit living in
%i Watford, London Underground Metropolitan Line
%e
For those of you not in the know, Watford is a small town on the north-west
out-skirts of London, United Kingdom, Earth, Dimensions 12, 134, and 500
through to 667.  It is surprisingly easy to get to.  And rather difficult
to leave.  It is just on the inside of the M25 ring road, junction 20 or
21.  As is common with most areas of London, driving is impossible.  (But
Hitchhikers take note!  When someone with a company car offers you a lift
to the pub, accept!)

Another favourite pastime of the locals is to find other methods of
transport from A to B via C.  From my room I have the choice of taking the
tube from Watford Station (Metropolitan Line) and taking a slow train into
London, stopping at almost every stop.  This takes five minutes walk and an
hours train ride.  ("the tube" is a common term for London Underground's
system of Subway Trains).  A second method of transport is by British Rail.
This involves walking 30 minutes to Watford Junction BR station, and a
two stop train journey to Euston, taking just 30 minutes or so.

You would be right in guessing that this guide researcher chooses the
method requiring less perambulation.

Nightclubs:

There are a couple, however, this researcher can't report on them from
experience.  After being driven past one of them and counting 9 police cars
parked outside the desire to go elsewhere was strengthened.

Pubs:

Quite a few nice ones.  Make sure you try the country pubs around Watford
if you can get there, and have some means of returning to your lodgings
without driving.

Electronics Shop:

There is one which has received continually bad reports from many customers
over many years.  Avoid.  (See References to Tottenham Court Road. )

Business Park:

The two business parks of West Watford are quite nice places to work, if
you are forced to.  But a helicopter is needed to get to work in the
morning, as the single road leading to both parks becomes a little M25 (i.e.
a large car-park).

People in London use Watford as a marker.  What it marks is the end of the
civilized world.  Culture starts in various points of London, most notably
the West End, Leicester Square (with all the cinemas) and Forbidden Planet
the science fiction bookshop.

In the UK, the North South divide is reversed with the South being the more
prosperous (snobbish) part of the country and the North (or "up norff" as
it is fondly referred to) being the more heavily industrialized and
unemployed regions.  This divide is sometimes called the "Watford Gap" but
is strangely nowhere near Watford.

Disclaimer: Any inaccuracies in the above are deeply regretted.  Tough luck.
%e
*EOA*


%t Composition Of Mars
%a Daniel A. Bowman  ([e-mail])
%n 2R34
%s I wouldn't want to live there, but it's quite tasty.
%i Mars, Composition Of
%x Mars
%x Hailing a Taxi on Mars
%x Possibility Of Life On Mars
%d 19930621
%e
The atmosphere of the planet Mars is 95.3% carbon dioxide, 2.7% nitrogen,
and 1.6% argon.  The rest is oxygen, carbon monoxide, water vapor, and
other gases.  Mars has two polar ice caps of water with a thin covering of
dry ice.  Temperatures at the poles in the winter can be as low as -127
degrees Celsius.  Carbon dioxide from the atmosphere can actually freeze
and fall to the ground like snow.  At best, the temperature on the equator
is ten degrees Celsius.

Surprisingly, there are many signs of water erosion on the surface, as if
caused by immense flash floods.  The most likely explanation concerns
the fact that Mars probably has subsurface ice and permafrost.  It is
possible that volcanic activity could melt this ice.  The surface rock would
then crash into the newly formed pool of water.  This in turn would cause
the water to burst onto the surface, creating a flash flood.  However, the
atmospheric pressure is so low that water rapidly boils away, leaving
nothing behind but a scarred surface.  Water is able to remain on the poles
only because of the low temperature.  The two types of rock known to be
present on Mars are basaltic and iron oxides.  Little else is known about
the planet Mars.

The Mars (TM) candy bar is manufactured by Mars, Inc. and distributed by the
M&M/Mars Company.  These delightful bars are composed of "Crunchy Almonds,
Caramel, & Nougat In Chocolate."  The first question to come to a typical
person's mind at this point is "What the hell is 'nougat' and do I really
want to eat it?".  It is assumed that the nougat is the white stuff mixed
in with the crunchy almonds and caramel inside the chocolate, but one can
never be too sure.  It is best to just eat the candy bar and not think about
it.

At any rate, the ingredients, according to the wrapper, are as follows:

          Milk Chocolate, Almonds, Corn Syrup, Sugar, Partially Hydrogenated
          Soybean Oil, Milk, Skim Milk, Butter, Lactose, Salt, Egg Whites,
          Soy Protein, and Artificial Flavor.

It should also be noted that, again according to the wrapper, milk chocolate
contains:

          Sugar, Sweetened Condensed Milk, Cocoa Butter, Chocolate, Soy
          Lecithin, and Vanillin, an artificial flavor.

And in case you were wondering, "Sweetened Condensed Milk" is made of milk
and lactose.

[ Bibliography: Tanaka, Kenneth L., "Mars", Grolier's Electronic Academic
  American Encyclopedia (1993); Kaufman, William J. III, _Planets and
  Moons_ (1979); M&M/Mars Company, Mars Almond bar wrapper (1993) ]
%e
*EOA*


%t Possibility Of Life On Mars
%n 2R35
%a Daniel A. Bowman  ([e-mail])
%s Very low.
%i Mars, Possibility Of Life On
%x Mars
%x Hailing a Taxi on Mars
%x Composition Of Mars
%d 19930621
%e
All the data that is presently possessed about the possibility of
microscopic life on the planet Mars comes from three experiments
conducted by the Viking landers.  These experiments were based on the
assumption that living organisms eat, breathe, and give off waste
products.  The first experiment was called the labeled release experiment.
For this experiment, some soil was placed in a container and moistened
with a nutrient that contained radioactive carbon.  The idea was that if
there were any living organisms, they should eat the nutrient and emit
gases containing the radioactive carbon.  Large quantities of gas were
in fact released.

The second experiment was called the pyrolytic release experiment.
Its purpose was to detect photosynthesis.  Soil was placed in a container
that was filled with Martian-like atmosphere.  The exception was that the
carbon in the carbon dioxide was radioactive.  The soil was then illuminated
with artificial sun light.  The theory was that if photosynthesis occurred,
the organisms should contain the radioactive carbon.  So the container was
flushed of the gases and the soil was analyzed for radioactive carbon.
Oddly, sometimes the results were positive, and sometimes they were
negative.

The third was the gas exchange experiment.  Its purpose was to detect
respiration.  Soil was dampened with the nutrient and placed in a container
filled with the Martian-like atmosphere.  The gases were then monitored, for
if organisms were present in the soil, they should inhale and exhale,
thereby changing the composition of the miniature atmosphere.  As soon as
the soil was dampened, large amounts of carbon dioxide and oxygen were given
off.  Unfortunately, the rate was exactly that which would be expected from
a purely chemical reaction.  It was decided that the soil must contain
peroxides or superoxides that react with water.  The apparently positive
results from the labeled release experiment can be explained in the same
way.

More information may become available when the Mars Observer, launched
on 9-25-92, arrives in November of 1993.  Its mission is to take pictures
of Mars for one Martian year (687 Earth-days, I think).

There is also a slight possibility of life on a Mars (TM) candy bar.
The chances are slim if you leave it wrapped until you are ready to
consume it.  However, it is best to be safe and examine the bar closely
before eating.  If any forms of animal life (fauna) are found, it is
best to quickly knock them off with a deft flick of the finger and then
to squash them, preferably with a facial tissue to minimize the mess.
It is also possible, though highly unlikely, that there may be plant
life (flora) on your Mars (TM) bar.  If this is the case, do NOT eat
the candy bar.  M&M/Mars has a guarantee of quality and freshness.  If
your bar does have a significant flora population, merely return it and
the wrapper along with the reason you are returning it and where and
when you bought it.  M&M/Mars will gladly replace your candy bar and
make an effort to remedy the problem.

[ Bibliography: Kaufman, William J. III, _Planets and Moons_ (1979);
  M&M/Mars Company, Mars Almond bar wrapper (1993); Leech, Jon, "Space FAQ
  11/15 - Upcoming Planetary Probes" (1993)]
%e
*EOA*


*
* End of file:  REAL02.NEW
*