Computer Buyer 1997 January/dpcb197.iso/business/a1share/41411.ZIP/REAL01.OLD

Text File | 1993-09-07 | 120KB | 2,353 lines

*
* ARCHIVE: REAL01.NEW (Real Articles)
*
* DATE: 09/07/93
*
* EDITOR(S):
*
*        Editor   1 : Paul J. Clegg  ([e-mail])
*        Editor   2 : Steve Baker  ([e-mail])
*
* NUMBER OF ARTICLES: 25
*


*
*
*   1R1    -- Earth
*   1R2    -- Massachusetts Institute of Technology
*   1R3    -- Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
*   1R4    -- New Orleans, Louisiana, United States of America
*   1R5    -- Car Talk
*   1R6    -- Fire
*   1R7    -- Bluffers Guides, the
*   1R8    -- Economic Benefits of Pollution, The
*   1R9    -- Reno, Nevada, USA, Earth
*   1R10   -- Travel Necessities
*   1R11   -- Barenaked Ladies
*   1R13   -- Avalon Hill's Diplomacy
*   1R14   -- Filks
*   1R15   -- Imperial College Science Fiction Society
*   1R16   -- Real Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, The
*   1R17   -- Telephones
*   1R18   -- Assembly Language
*   2R2    -- Geneva, Switzerland, Earth
*   2R3    -- Harvard Square, Boston, Massachusetts, USA, Earth
*   2R4    -- Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute
*   2R5    -- Algonquin Park, Ontario, Canada, Earth
*   2R6    -- Berlin, Germany, Earth
*   2R7    -- Party Hints
*   2R8    -- New York City, New York, USA, Earth
*   2R9    -- How to avoid being mugged in New York
*
*


%t Earth
%n 1R1
%s A Really Hoopy Place To Live These Days...
%a Paul Jason Clegg  ([e-mail])
%d 19920319
%i Terra
%i Where You Probably Are Right Now
%e
The Earth (also known by smart asses as Terra) is an incredibly hoopy place
to be, if for no other reason than because we don't know of any other place
to be.  Although many people have suggested going into outer space, and
living there, more people have complained about everything that would entail,
such as the longer commute to work or school, atrophied limbs in near-zero
gravity, cramped quarters among spacecraft, horrible in-flight food and
movies, and, of course, the amazingly large cost of sending a person
anywhere outside the Earth.

The fact that we haven't left the Earth for any amount of time really hasn't
upset anyone, though, since Earth is the only place where one can find a
considerable number of video game machines, nice beaches, jobs, and members
of the opposite sex.  It is also the home of that wholly remarkable book, The
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and its four sequels, all written by a
certain human named Douglas Adams, and was, in fact, the sole inspiration for
another wholly remarkable creation, Project Galactic Guide, the result of
which you are now perusing.

For some truly outstanding figures about the planet Earth, you may wish to
consult a recently published world almanac, which will give very interesting
tidbits of information about the Earth, such as it's size (approximately
24,900 miles around, with a surface area of 196,938,800 square miles), its
moons (one, commonly called The Moon, but many smart asses call it Luna), and
other things like the fact that Julia Child was born in Pasadena, California,
on August 15th, 1912, and that, in 1987, the tallest building in Des Moines,
Iowa, was the Ruan Center, which stood at an entirely uncolossal 457 feet
tall.

The Earth is the only place we know of to date that has intelligent life
living on it.  This could, of course, be because of some global government
cover-up (very likely), truth (least likely), or just because many people
seem to be very troubled about the idea that there might be other creatures
in outer space, and particularly that those creatures are probably more
intelligent and evolved than they are (more likely than the cover-up idea,
which was very likely, and thus is probably true).

The Earth is the third planet is the Sol star system, although the
inhabitants are more likely to call Sol, their sun, The Sun, most likely
because very few people have figured out exactly how to pronounce "Sol", but
even more likely because they rarely talk about other suns, except as stars.

The Earth rotates on an axis at an angle, and orbits Sol in an elliptical
orbit, the result of which is that the inhabitants feel different seasons,
where, depending on their exact location, the average temperature will dip or
rise, and various department stores will hold something called "Sales Events"
as a form of acknowledgement to the passage of time.  The Earth rotates on
its axis once every 24 hours, and spends 365.25 sets of 24 hours (each set is
called a day) in orbit, before reaching its original point, which isn't
wholly true, as it is well known that the entire Sol star system is moving
through space at an uncomfortable velocity, so uncomfortable that most people
tend not to think about it, and, as a result, are not usually affected by it.

And to dismay any contrary opinion, to human conception, the Earth is indeed
spheroidal, though not a perfect sphere in and of itself.  Why this is is not
important to most hitchhikers, however, and is left to brainy types, who have
nothing better to do than to calculate the dimensions of our planet.

If you have any more questions, consult almost every other part of the Guide,
or ask the nearest human, as they'll most likely know a little bit about the
Earth (unless you're somewhere other than the Earth, in which case, if you do
in fact find a human, they will be less likely able to tell you about the
Earth).
%e
*EOA*


%t Massachusetts Institute Of Technology
%n 1R2
%s Mostly Nerds
%a Daniel Robert Risacher
%d 19920123
%i MIT
%i Mass Tech
%e
On February 10, 1865 William Barton Rogers opened the doors to the
Massachusetts Institute of Technology for the first time.  The door then fell
down, since the workmen who were building MIT hadn't attached the hinges yet,
and the official opening of the school was rescheduled for February 20, ten
days later.  This noble institution had been in construction for four years
prior to that point, ever since it received its charter in 1861.  This
charter is not available for public viewing, since it is reputed to state
that the actual purpose for building the Institute is:

       "...to torture young men who think they are smarter than
        everybody else..."

Regardless of whether this is true, today, the university does not torture
merely young men, but a few young women as well.  MIT is commonly regarded as
the finest technical institute in America.  This is blatantly untrue, since
that title is more rightly claimed by Cal Tech, but MIT ranks pretty well.

The best parties to be found at MIT are usually thrown by the undergraduate
dormitories.  Unfortunately, these mega-parties are usually once-a-year
affairs, and therefore are rather scarce.  The best chance that a hitchhiker
has of finding a good party on a Friday or Saturday night is to cross the
river via the Harvard Bridge and wander around until one hears a fraternity
party and go there.  This will work (Trust us).

The quickest way for males to find a willing female at MIT is to go to a
fraternity party and pretend that he belongs to that fraternity.  This works,
despite the fact that MIT has a 3:1 male/female student ratio, because the
fraternities will invite females to their parties from any or all of the many
small women's colleges in Boston.  The women who accept these invitations
usually have an unhealthy attraction to MIT "frat guys", and have been known
to throw themselves at these "potentially rich" with less shame than
professional streetwalkers.

The best way for a female to find a willing male at MIT is to go to a
dormitory and hit on any of the rather desperate males that she will find
there.  Frequently these males will go to exorbitant lengths to please any
female who shows interest in them, since probably no one has ever done that
before.  This is not necessarily their fault, but rather a by-product of 3:1.

The overall problem with finding dates at MIT is that almost all of the
people who attend MIT are, to put it mildly, nerds.  The student body, as a
whole, thinks that quantum mechanics, relativity, isometric propagation of
spectral waveguides, and similar nonsense are ideal topics of conversation.

If a hitchhiker just wants to catch a movie, the (LSC) Lecture Series
Committee shows real full length movies twice a night on weekends for a
$1.50 fee.  These are usually good, popular movies which have been at the
theaters for a while.

As far as finding food, do not attempt to eat at a student cafeteria.  Not
that the food is bad at the cafeterias, rather, the food is fairly good, but
it is too expensive for Donald Trump, not to mention a hitchhiker.  Instead,
walk along either Main St, or Massachusetts Av, until you find a restaurant
which suits you.  Unless you are very picky, this will not be difficult,
since there are more restaurants on these two streets than in the rest of
the known world.

If a hitchhiker wants a tour of the less common hangouts at MIT, he/she is
advised to go to the Student Center (across Mass Ave from the Little Dome) go
to the 24-hour CoffeeHouse (third floor) and hang out there around midnight
on Saturday night.  There, the hitchhiker can meet lots of people who call
themselves "hackers".  Hackers of this kind do not play with computers in
their spare time, as is usually implied by the term "hacker", but rather,
they spend their spare time walking around on roofs, crawling around in
tunnels, picking locks, and generally going places that the administration
does not want anyone to go.  This is their idea of "fun".  If any of these
things sound fun to you, do not miss the Saturday-night CoffeeHouse tours.

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ATTEMPT TO ENROLL AS A STUDENT AT MIT.  MIT is
the most expensive university in America, and although it has some good
points which are fun to visit, it is not a whole lot of fun to attend.  As an
example of this, it is claimed that the President of MIT once said,

     "Sometimes I feel like the warden of a Maximum Security Prison."

If you are highly masochistic, and either rich or on full scholarship, you
may wish to consider MIT for your education. Do so at your own risk.
%e
*EOA*


%t Rio De Janeiro, Brazil, Earth
%n 1R3
%s Human Beings, Surfers, and Samba Dancers
%a Geraldo Xexeo  ([e-mail])
%d 19920123
%x Earth
%e
Rio de Janeiro, a.k.a. Rio, a Brazilian city in the Southeast coast of the
country, has been known as one of the most beautiful cities on Earth.
Meanwhile, one should note that the concept of a city is a bit bigger in Rio
than in other nice small cities, like Rome or Paris.  Rio has 5.6 million
inhabitants in the city and around 10 million inhabitants in the wide region
around it.  Many people from Sao Paulo, Mexico City, and Tokyo used to say
Rio is a very nice little town to expend the weekend.

In Rio you can do a thousand different things, but most people do only two:
go to the beach and drink beer, not necessarily in any order.  Beer is served
cold, the beach is served 40 degrees centigrade HOT.

There are some main reasons you should not miss the beach, among them are
astonishingly beautiful bodies all around you (both male and female).
Cariocas girls, as people from Rio are called, used to wear short bikinis,
and no one is able to differ them from topless or nudist bathing suits,
although they don't have official topless or nude beaches in Rio.

Carnival is a must.  During four days the city is turned upside-down and
rightside-left.  Sometime inside-out also, due to excess of an alcoholic
beverage called Batida.  Batidas taste like fruit juice (select your flavor),
but go to your head like an atomic bomb.  Euthanasia is not allowed in
Brazil, so it is highly suggested that you DON'T drink too many Batidas.

Typical food is Feijoada (Black beans and Pork meat) and Churrasco (Barbecue,
done with big chunks of meat).  Churrasco can be digested in special places
where you pay to enter and call an ambulance to deliver you home.  Eating
Churrasco and drinking Caipirinha seems to be a local sport [KIDS: don't try
this at home].  Doing it at the beach (mid-day, 42 C) is a local suicide
technique.

Soccer fans will find Maracana, the biggest stadium in the world, in this
city.  It holds 200,000 spectators, plus 22 players and 3 arbiters.  Flag
colors divide spectators and players into two teams. Players usually play
soccer, while spectators develop boxing, judo, karate, and survival skills.
The police control spectator violence by applying correctional measures,
also called "police brutality" by local political groups.

The largest statue of Jesus Christ in the world can also be found in this
city.  By coincidence, it is also the highest, since it is on the top of a
mountain (Corcovado).  There are two ways to the statue, a difficult way and
a very difficult way.  The difficult way is a vertical climb on the south
side of the mountain.  The very difficult way are the tourists stair on the
west side, full of tourist shops, guides, and the most dangerous tourist
group mobs, multi-faced animals known to move by bus and hunt for food during
the day.

Local music is Samba.  If you think Lambada is connected with sin, you
haven't seen a Samba dancer.  Samba is designed to be danced with full
clothing: a small bra and an even smaller bikini.  Samba has other
variations, one of them specially created to help heart-broken people to
decide against suicide.  If you think "Sunshine On My Shoulders" is sad and
you cried seeing "Kramer vs. Kramer", you should listen to Maisa or Nelson
Goncalves records.  Psychological assistance is a good measure on these
experiences.

Cariocas speak Portuguese, Spanichuese, Englichuese and Frenchuese.  Some of
them speak a Bronx dialect called SmithandWessonese, composed of 4 words:
give, me, your, and money.  Rio is a very large city, with some prejudice
against people wearing shorts with flowers, t-shirts with flowers, gold
jewelry and a using camcorders.  These people, which usually call themselves
tourists, have the local denomination of "fool", "idiot", or "duck".  Just
ignore it.

Prices go from VERY CHEAP to MOST EXPENSIVE IN THE WORLD, depending on if you
want a cheese sandwich, or an apartment on Vieira Souto Avenue, in front of
Ipanema Beach, where the prices are higher than New York's 5th Avenue or
Champs-Elysee.

Weather is hot in spring, very hot in summer, hot in autumn, and quite hot in
winter.  Rains are in the end of March.  Temperature goes from 20 to 42 C,
20 C is usually considered "damned cold" by the locals.  The city is wet.
80% humidity is ok for Cariocas.  Better if it's higher.

Cariocas are like the weather, plain hot.  You should not take a honeymoon in
Rio unless you robbed a bank in the last 3 weeks before your marriage.  Rio
is a place to find people.  "You don't bring a sandwich to a banquet" is a
common saying there.

Drugs are not allowed, but you can find most popular cigarette brands,
Coca-Colas, and McDonald's around.  Popcorn dealers can be found in every
school door, and ice cream is a necessity very well supplied by international
and local companies.

Local currency is the Cruzeiro (Cr$).  It's worth around $0.001 US and going
down.  Even if the US dollar is going down, the Cruzeiro goes faster.
Actually, it goes down faster than any other currency known, including
Monopoly money.

The city is divided into different "zones".  South zone is *cool*, and
includes world-renown Copacabana and Ipanema.  North zone is not so cool
alone, but can be cool with a local guide (particularly with a 22 year-old,
1.8m, dark haired, perfectly built member of the preferred sex), but you can
get a taxi and go to a Samba school with no other dangers than a headache in
the next morning.  West zone can vary from dead to cool, just find a local
guide.  West zone requires a car, South and North zones are ok with buses
(though a bit dangerous at dark) and taxis.

Required equipment:  Mirrorshades, bathing suit.
Best time to go:  Carnival (40 days before Easter, 4 days or more duration)
Best time to leave:  Just after recovering from Carnival, usually 100+ days
                     after Easter.
You should try:  Local food, Fruit Juice Shops, local people, Ipanema Beach
You should avoid:  tourists, Tijuca, people from Sao Paulo, work
%e
*EOA*


%t New Orleans, Louisiana, USA, Earth
%n 1R4
%s Guide To New Orleans
%a Brian K. Dore'  ([e-mail])
%d 19920117
%e
If you follow the path of the mighty Mississippi River all the way from it's
source in the Northern United States, down it's twisty and meandering bends
through the heart of the country, to its forked mouth dumping millions of
gallons of muddy water into the Gulf of Mexico, you would probably be quite
disappointed.  Except for a few dirty brown pelicans and the remains of a
beautiful swamp cut into little bitty pieces by an overzealous petrochemical
company, there isn't much to see.  You would probably, without a second
thought, backtrack your way up the river, round the final few bends, and find
a place to have a drink in the city of New Orleans.

If you don't like to drink, dance, eat, or listen to music, you might
continue on your way back up to the source of the river.  In fact, if you
don't like to drink, dance, eat, or listen to music it is doubtful that you
will ever chance to venture out along the river in any case.

While there are many interesting sights throughout this old and historic
city, there are plenty of tour and travel books available to show you
around.  For now we will just concentrate on the important part of the
city, the places to go to have FUN.

Where to Stay:

The absolute best place to sleep in New Orleans is in your van.  Your old,
scratched, well beat up, nicely inconspicuous van.  This solves any problems
you may have finding your way to a motel at 4 am.  It is also quite a bit
cheaper than any of the motels in New Orleans, even if you have to buy the
van, and a new set of tires for it the next day.  Some people with money
stay in hotels within the city.  This writer neither has money, or knows
any of these people, so we will simply drop the idea all together.  People
with enough money to stay downtown can afford one of those slick travel
books with a picture of something on the cover that you will probably never
see in the city to which the book is said to relate to.

Somewhere between the airport and the French Quarter is a city called
Metarie.  The only redeeming quality of this city other than being close
enough to New Orleans to make it the perfect place to pull over to get a
quick bite, take a leak, or puke on the way home is the abundance of cheap
motels.  You will find, however, that after being in New Orleans, cheap is
a relative term.  My personal favorite is the Peacock Plaza Inn.

The Peacock Plaza Inn is noted as being a good compromise between price,
cleanliness, and safety.  It is also known for being across the street from a
topless bar (The Downs) and free porno movies.  Based on this author's
experience, a six pack and free pornos is better than a trip to The Downs,
but then some people like paying five bucks for a seven ounce beer and having
ugly women beg them for money.

The Landmark is a bit nicer, a bit more expensive, but has a bar at the top
overlooking the city which is kind of neat.  Both of these places are quite
visible from the interstate, and should be quite easy to find.  Since finding
things is part of the fun, no street addresses will be given.  The fact that
I have no idea what streets they are on has absolutely no influence over this
decision.

The French Quarter:

Saying that there are no other interesting parts to such an old and historic
city would quickly get you lynched by a mob of angry New Orleans Saints fans
who are quite easily upset.  The fact that these people return year after
year to cheer for a team who has never won a playoff game in their 25 year
history may give you some idea of what kind of sick individuals inhabit the
city.  Unless you happen to have to live there however, you probably
shouldn't waste your time seeing the rest of the city.

When in the quarter you may be invited to bet money on various things.  While
an intelligent person will rarely lose more than three or four dollars on a
visit to persistent persons, three or four dollars WILL buy you a good drink
at Pat O'Briens.

Q: I'll bet you a dollar I can tell you where you got your shoes.
A: (On your feet, on the street, in the City of New Orleans)

Don't bother with the shell game or picking the queen out of three cards.
Give a buck or two to the scummy guy with the box guitar playing American
Pie instead.

Decatur Street Brewpub.  A great place to start, while you can still
appreciate what a good beer tastes like, and a nice bar looks like.  They
serve four great homebrewed beers here.  This is a block down, and across
the street from the Hard Rock Cafe, which, as everybody already knows, is
simply a franchised tourist trap.  Decatur Street is also a great place to
park your van.  The lot across the street from the 'Bulls Corner Saloon'
is quite nice.  The Bulls Corner is about a block away from the Hard Rock,
and a great place to relieve yourself once you arrive to park, when you
return to the van to drop off anything you may have purchased, and when you
get ready to pass out for the day.

Since this entry is already WAY too long, and telling you much more might
spoil your trip, I end this entry with a few bits of advice.

          1) Pat O'Briens is not to be missed.  Look stupid and ask should
             you not be able to locate it for some reason.  By all means
             visit the Piano Bar, even if you have to stand in line.  You
             may want to do this later rather than sooner for the simple
             reason is that you will probably not want to, or more probably
             not be able to, leave.

          2) Any place on Bourbon Street that offers sex, nudity, etc. on a
             sign over the entrance is not worth the trouble.  Any place
             where you find an alleyway that is barely wide enough to squeeze
             into without signs probably is worth the trouble.

          3) If you wander around, you will inevitably find yourself smack in
             the middle of a place that things are obviously not all that
             they seem.  Don't panic, don't stay any longer than possible,
             and don't answer "yes" to anyone or anything that asks something
             of you while there.  Just trust me on this one.
%e
*EOA*


%t Car Talk
%n 1R5
%s National Public Radio hits a new peak in interactive silliness.
%a Loren Haarsma  ([e-mail])
%d 19920130
%i Humor, Radio
%i Radio Humor
%x Radio
%e
"Today, General Motors recalled 25 thousand new cars.  They don't know what's
wrong with them, but they do say that they recall them." (-Dennis Miller)

In today's society, owning a car is a necessity.  (Unless you happen to be
poor, in which case it is just one of many necessities which become luxuries
you can't afford.)  So what do you do when your automobile stops working, or
begins to make funny noises indicating that it will very soon stop working at
a particularly inconvenient moment.  There are two options.

First, you can take it to a mechanic.  This option immediately poses
problems too obvious and too numerous to list.

Second, you can try to fix it yourself.  This option poses many other
problems, among the worst of which are that you will be forced to think and
-- even worse -- to do work.

But there is a way to avoid being impaled on the horns of this dilemma.
Well, actually, it's more a way to forestall being impaled.  OK, it's really
just a way to procrastinate, but you might consider it anyway.  It is this:
Listen to the radio program, _Car Talk_.

_Car Talk_ is a call-in radio program in which the hosts, Click and Clack
the Tappit Brothers, a.k.a.  Tom and Ray Magliatzi, argue with each other,
read letters from fans on the air, interrupt each other, rant and rave about
lawyers, semi-drivers, gas grills, automotive corporate executives, and
whatever else happens to annoy them, promote fictitious charitable causes,
and, occasionally, answer questions which listeners phone in about their
cars.  You will probably never find another show in which the hosts take
such great delight in listening to another person's problems, and then
laughing about them.

Click and Clack are themselves mechanics who own and operate a garage.  And
since -- as they so often point out on their show -- everyone even remotely
associated with the automotive industry is sleazy and not to be trusted, you
should realize that any particular answer they give might be utterly
fictitious and that they only sound like they know what they are talking
about.  In their defense, however, Click and Clack have quite a bit of
experience and have spent a great deal of time and effort perfecting their
trade.  Therefore, they are very good at sounding like they know what they
are talking about.

If you would like to become a regularly listener to _Car Talk_, this is what
you should do:  call or write to all of your local National Public Radio
stations and ask them for a copy of their programming guide.  Once you have
done this, you should probably change your name, address, and telephone
number to avoid being hit by requests for donations every month for the next
ten years.

If none of the public radio stations in your area carry _Car Talk_, you
should tell the programming directors to get in touch with the radio station
WBUR in Boston.  If none of the programming directors WANT to carry
_Car Talk_, there are two methods of argument you can use with them, one of
which is certain to work on any public radio employee anywhere in North
America:
          (1) _Car Talk_ will attract a large and loyal fan club of
              yupwardly-mobile family units who drive Volvos and Infinities
              and contribute to public radio.  Or,
          (2) _Car Talk_ brings back the glorious counter-culture days when
              everyone owned a V.W. and knew how to fix it themselves.

If for some reason you would like to discuss an automotive or other problem
with Click and Clack, you can call 800-323-9287; or you can write to:
Car Talk, WBUR, 630 Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Our Fair City, MA 02215.
(No endorsement expressed or implied, void where prohibited by law.)
%e
*EOA*


%t Fire
%n 1R6
%s Phlogiston Theory Put To The Test
%a Elmer Fudd  ([e-mail])
%d 19920101
%i Flame
%i Phlogiston Theory
%e
Fire is a thing.  Most people think it's hot.  It is made by an aggregate
accumulation of phlogiston into a specific area.

Please keep in mind that were it not for fire, we would not have fire today.

For most purposes, fire can be reproduced with modern means by pressurized
phlogiston container, called a 'lighter' in mainstream Americana, and it can
be used in a number of useful uses.  For instance, you can burn down a forest
with fire.  So, if you pick one simple day when a forest just happens to get
in your way, you can always pull out your handy modern 'lighter' and burn it
down.  (That'll teach 'em!)  You could always light other people on fire, but
since many of them are not legimitate phlogiston attractors, they will not
always _stay_ on fire, which is presumed the preferred state.

If, for some strange reason, phlogiston theory is wrong, then fire does not
exist.
%e
*EOA*


%t Bluffer's Guides, The
%n 1R7
%s Independent companion volumes to the Guide
%a Jim Cheetham  ([e-mail])
%d 19921002
%i Bluffing
%i Pretending To Know What You're Talking About
%i Being More Clever Than You Really Are
%i Knowledge The Easy Way
%e
In the world today there are many specialist areas of knowledge that
the average hitchhiker is expected to know, especially when the entity
that you are hitching from wants to talk non-stop for seventeen hours,
and then ask your opinion.

Nobody with a brain significantly smaller than a red giant could possibly
absorb so many fields of knowledge, but luckily a hoopy group of towel
carrying froods have come up with an alternative -- Bluffing!

The successful bluffer remembers key facts and sayings, and by careful
application, manages to present the impression of a full-fledged expert.

For example, in Swanley, Greater London, England, you are not a local at
the pub unless you've been there, drinking, every night, for five years.
Obviously it gets difficult to think of new topics of conversation every
night for five years, and a few things get repeated.  Most common is the
subject of cars -- and note that you are not allowed to be a bloke unless
you also know about cars.  Mark Steele, an aspiring local, learnt a few
basic facts about cars and mentioned them, every now and again.  These
facts were:

"Austin Allegro?  All Rust and Aggro, more like!"
"Fiat? You know what that stands for, don't you?  Fix It Again, Tony!"
"Never get a Ford that's been made on a Friday.  All the lads at Dagenham
 go down the pub on a Friday lunchtime, and make all the dodgy ones in the
 afternoon!"
"Chrysler Avenger?  Chassis rots."

After a couple of years, they all thought he was a motor mechanic.

To help the hitchhiker discover all these basic facts and opinions, a series
of small reference works have been produced by the much-underrated
publishing company Ravette Limited, 3 Glenside Estate, Star Road,
Partridge Green, Horsham, Sussex RH13 8RA, England.  In a clever scam to
disguise their works, they are classified as Humor.  If the intrepid
hitchhiker wishes to track these down, and finds that the address above
has moved to another universe (as these things are prone to do, over time)
the ISBN reference of _The Bluffer's Guide to Computers_ is given as
ISBN 0-907830-02-1.

Happy Bluffing in Accountancy, Advertising, Antiques, Architecture,
Astrology, Ballet, Bank Managers, Beliefs, The Body, Cinema, Class,
The Classics, Computers, Consultancy, Defence, Espionage, Feminism,
Gambling, High Society, Jazz, Journalism, Law, Literature, Management,
Marketing, Millionaires, Modern Art, Music, Opera, Philosophy,
Photography, Politics, Property, Public Relations, Publishing, Secret
Societies, Selling, Sex, Skiing, Stockbrokering, Success, Teaching,
Television, Theater, Travel, Wine, World Affairs, The Americans,
The Australians, The British, The French, The Germans, The Japanese,
Amsterdam, Berlin, Hollywood, Hong Kong, Moscow, New York, Paris,
and quite a few more!
%e
*EOA*


%t Economic Benefits Of Pollution, The
%n 1R8
%s Why pollution is necessary in today's economy
%a David Richard Tabb  ([e-mail])
%d 19921030
%i Pollution
%e
It is a well known and unpopular fact that today's modern manufacturing
techniques are the cause of a great deal of pollution.  It is also well
known and unpopular that this pollution is the cause of many illnesses
in the workers at the plants causing said pollution.  What is neither well
known nor popular is the fact that this entire cycle is actually a powerful
economic force without which modern society could not exist.

Let's examine this one step at a time.  (One) An executive builds a factory
knowing that it will cause pollution, much in the same way that cows produce
methane, and (Two) hires people to work there at ridiculously low wages.
(Three) The workers work, as workers are wont to do, and eventually (Five)
become extremely ill and die because they have been (Four) handling very
dangerous and toxic materials like uranium or the stuff inside
Twinkies (tm).  Each worker's death has two (Two) immediate effects:  (Six)
First, a job opening is created at the factory which is (Seven) filled by
someone entering the workforce, thereby (Eight) lowering the unemployment
rate.  (Nine) Second, because of the immutable law of supply and demand,
as the total number of available workers decreases, (Ten) the value of
each worker increases slightly, forcing (Eleven) the executives to raise
the workers' salaries.

As can be seen from this analysis, pollution in and around a factory helps
to stimulate the economy by constantly providing new jobs at a continually
increasing rate of pay, as well as encouraging the circulation of money
within the society by the continual payment of funeral expenses by the
workers' families and the growth of complementary industries such as
earthmoving equipment manufacturers and the general increase in land values
as more and more of it is used as retirement space.  Therefore, it is quite
obvious that if factories were built which caused no pollution, the economy
of the region would collapse.

And why, you had better ask, would the corporate executives go along with
this system which obviously threatens their lives and bank accounts?  It
could be that the executives are compassionate, altruistic individuals who
are willing to accept a little sacrifice, both monetary and environmental,
in order to keep society from economic collapse.  It could be that the
executives went to great trouble and expense designing and building highly
polluting factories just to keep supply and demand balanced so as to save
the workers from the indignity of being underpaid for their labor.

However, it seems more likely that the executives' accountants pointed out
that slight pay increases were still cheaper than stopping the pollution
and that the executives could pay themselves more than they paid anyone
else because they worked in the tops of tall buildings and were therefore
closer to the pollution.  The accountants were so persuasive, in fact, that
all the executives bought big houses in the country to avoid the pollution
and bought their accountants slightly smaller houses as a reward for
extreme cleverness.
%e
*EOA*


%t Reno, Nevada, USA, Earth
%n 1R9
%s Information on the gambling town of Reno, Nevada, USA, Earth
%a Scott Mathew Glazer  ([e-mail])
%d 19921102
%x Earth
%e
Reno is a city placed in the precise location where the most people should,
in a rational universe, not want to be.  Heartbreakingly close to breath-
taking vistas, glorious mountain lakes, and the majestic peaks of the Sierra
Nevada range, Reno's inhabitants instead grovel in the day-to-day squalor of
a flat, parched, and dust-coated existence catering only to the tourists who
flock to the area for the singularly incomprehensible reason of trading
small green pieces of paper for nothing whatsoever in return.

Legend has it that "Reno" is Chawktaw Indian for "When's the next bus out?"
This is the question all people in Reno should be asking themselves.
Gambling (the aforementioned barter of small bits of green paper) is not as
much fun as the thousands of thalidomide victims wandering listlessly around
the casino floors make it appear.  Be warned that there are no other legally
tolerated forms of recreation aside from gambling in the entire state of
Nevada.  (Although legends of a brave group of renegade volleyball players
do surface with surprising regularity.)

Eating in Reno:  You may be tempted by such offers as "64-oz steak $1.99" or
by the even-more seductive circus-circus buffet, offering an embarrassing
extravaganza of carefully designed, 100% vinyl food and the atmosphere of
your more sub-standard amusement parks all for one low price.  Ignoring the
obvious cholesterol risks and the not-infrequent outbreaks of food-
poisoning, there remains a compelling reason to avoid such eateries.  Known
as "Keno", this variant of lotto is played in all casino restaurants and is
widely regarded as the twelfth most annoying thing in the Universe, the
eleventh being the tendency of the natives of New York City to torture their
friends to death as a greeting ritual.

One additional fact concerning Reno:  It is in a very arid desert.  This in
and of itself would not be so bad, but the sad fact of the matter is that
Reno's residents fail to comprehend their situation and believe instead that
(a) Reno is merely in the midst of some sort of decades-long drought, but
it'll soon be over and then you'll be sorry for saying we shouldn't use so
much water keeping our golf courses in tournament conditions, won't you?,
(b) the stinking trickle of fetid water that slithers past downtown is
actually a "river", and (c) despite the fact that Lake Tahoe has pretty much
been completely drained to provide a last gasp of a water supply, building
big new housing developments is a really keen idea.
%e
*EOA*


%t Travel Necessities
%n 1R10
%s Important items for the budget traveller
%a Scott Mathew Glazer  ([e-mail])
%d 19921116
%i Necessities
%e
The towel, it has been said, is all the hitchhiker truly needs.  This is
completely false; a hitchhiker, by definition, also must possess the
biological, mechanical, or electromagnetic equivalent of a thumb.  This
myth firmly disproven, we now go on to present other items that are
particularly useful when travelling on a shoestring across the thin crust
of air, dirt, water, and junk clinging to the surface of the planet Earth.

The Pillowcase:  Sleep is required by most of Earth's natives and visitors,
and surveys show the vast majority of these like to have at least a slight
inkling of where anything their head and face stays in prolonged contact
with during a subconscious state has been.  Possessing your own pillowcase
will allow you to wrap it around whatever has been provided for you to place
your head upon, and sleep in relative security and peace.  If you have firm
plans to stay only in accommodations luxurious enough that you need not
question the sanitized state of your sleeping arrangements, I congratulate
you and ask that you please leave some of the excess money clearly weighing
you down so uncomfortably in locker number 147 of whatever train station is
nearest to you at the moment.

Plastic Bags:  Any independent traveller who goes anywhere for any length
of time without a good supply of various sized plastic bags might as well
have forgotten their towel too.  Quite simply, plastic bags weigh nothing,
take up no space, and have more uses than even that 68-blade Swiss Army
knife that's probably dragging down your shorts as we speak.  They hold
food, dirty laundry, wet things, and smelly things.  They organize your bag
or pack and allow things to slip more easily in and out.  (They are, in some
mystical sense, the KY-Jelly of luggage.)  All who you meet on your travels
will beg constantly for one of your plastic bags.  Do not give in to their
snivelling and pathetic pleas!  Spit on them as the dirt they are.

Spoon:  Small, light, and indispensably handy when you really need it, the
spoon can be the budget traveller's best friend.  In short, along with a
can opener, the spoon opens up a whole new section of the grocery store to
you and your ever-starved stomach.  The spoon protects you from those nasty
tongue cuts so many hitchhikers receive from tragic misuse of their
pocket-knives.  Stop the madness; carry a spoon.

The reader may ask, "But can I not purchase these items if and when I find
I actually require them?"  We at the Guide can assure you that this has been
scientifically researched to be impossible approximately 98.76209% of the
time.  The time you spend at home throwing your own Pillowcase, Plastic
Bags, and Spoon into the luggage will be rewarded a millionfold in foreign
environments.
%e
*EOA*


%t Barenaked Ladies
%n 1R11
%s A musical group or something...
%a Peter Edward Janes  ([e-mail])
%d 19920910
%x Radio
%e
The Barenaked Ladies are, to put it succinctly, that is, to state the fact
precisely, properly and pithily, or, to put it another way, in as few words
as possible, in order to provide the reader with as much information in as
short a space and small a time as possible, neither.

The 'Ladies are, in order of no particular, Steven Page, Ed Robertson, Andy
Creeggan, Jim Creeggan, and Tyler Stewart.  They are all from Scarborough,
a suburb of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, Earth.

With songs like "If I Had $1,000,000" (1) and "Be My Yoko Ono" (2), the
'Ladies independent self-named cassette sold 100,000 copies in their home
country.  This gave them the most successful recording in Canadian, and
(unbeknownst to the denizens of the backwater planet on which they reside)
Galactic history.

Their most recent (and first commercial) album, Gordon, sold almost 200,000
copies in its first month of release.  Their promotional tour has been met
with great enthusiasm in Canada; however, success in the large country to
the south has been limited.  A concert in a parking lot on the West Coast
was attended by a child holding a balloon, and a hot-dog vendor.

(1) Something every hitchhiker wishes she/he/it had...

(2) Complete with "Yoko Ono" solo!
%e
*EOA*


%t Avalon Hill's Diplomacy
%n 1R13
%s The board game of Diplomacy
%a Robert Schone  ([e-mail])
%d 19920120
%i Diplomacy, Avalon Hill's
%e
Diplomacy is a board game of "International Intrigue," trademarked by
Avalon Hill.  In its introduction it is described as "a relatively
simple game in principle, but complex in execution."  This is very true,
however it is significant that the second half of the statement is truer
than the first.

The first problem you will encounter with Diplomacy is the rules.  These
are split, by Avalon Hill, into fourteen sections.  I split them into two
sections -- the section you will understand on the first reading, and the
section you will have to read 42 times to even begin to understand.
Unfortunately, the first section is approximately 5.5 lines, and the
second section is 11 pages, less 5.5 lines.  Persevere.  Play a sample
game or twenty, until you understand the rules.

The big "thing" with Diplomacy is that there are _no_ elements of
chance.  So the cover of the rules tells us.  "Diplomacy is a game of
skill and cunning negotiations.  Chance plays no part."  The first page
then proceeds to inform you of the first (admittedly only) element of
chance.  But this is what Diplomacy is all about:  lying until you have
to tell the truth.

The "chance" is which power you will play.  Diplomacy (standard
Diplomacy, that is) is played on a European map.  The seven Great Powers
are England, Russia, Turkey, Austria, Italy, France and Germany.
Different people will tell you different things about which powers
are better.  However, take note that there is a reason why the person
who is assigned Italy will look glum for a while.  (Usually until they
are eliminated from the game.)

The board is divided into "provinces."  These can be land, sea, or
coastal.  Each power is made up of five to seven provinces.  This doesn't
matter.  What does matter is how many "supply centers" you own.  A supply
center is a special case province, as it contains a little black dot.
And you get one unit (army or fleet) for every little black dot you own.
Every power starts with 3 little black dots, except Russia, which starts
with 4.  New players often wonder why Russia starts with one extra.  If
they start by playing Russia, as I did, they find out relatively
quickly.

The general gist of the game is to move your armies and fleets around
the board in a bid to control as many little black dots as possible.
Remember that you get one army or fleet for each dot.  If you start
losing them to other players, you start losing your units.  Should,
however, you gain 18, Europe is magically yours.   This leads to an
interesting problem.  To win, you basically have to overpower everyone.
But you cannot do this by yourself.  The solution is to "stab" people.
This is where you start to lose friends.  (Did I forget to mention this
earlier?)

Playing the game actually centers around diplomacy.  Before each move,
you have 15 minutes to talk with the other players, make alliances, and
decide to attack other people.  You then have 5 minutes to write down
your moves.  The trick is to tell someone you are doing one thing, but
actually to do another.  The second trick is to do it at the right time,
causing them the most damage, and giving you the most profit.  The third
trick is to do it to them before they do it to you.  The fourth trick,
and possibly the most difficult, is to make sure they still talk to you
afterwards.

In a nutshell, you can't win the game by yourself, but you can only win
the game by yourself.

Because of this, the primary skill a good Diplomacy player must have is
the ability to lie convincingly.  There is a good reason that there
exists a document entitled "Diplomacy Players' Top Ten Favorite Lies."

There exist over 600 Diplomacy "variants."  These are games which change
either the rules, or the map.  Or both.  There are even variants which
remove the diplomacy from Diplomacy -- you don't know who the other
players are, and you cannot talk to them.  (Naturally, this does not
work very well if you play with friends, but can be implemented well if
you play by mail or e-mail, sending all your moves to a Game Master, who
will process them.)

There are many Diplomacy games being played over the InterNet.  These
are generally played via computer programs that take commands from
players from e-mail.  A good place to start is the UseNet group
rec.games.diplomacy, but if you do want to play, you will probably want
your own copy of the game and rules.
%e
*EOA*


%t Filks
%n 1R14
%s I fought the Borg, and the Borg won.
%a Alexander Lachlan McLintock  ([e-mail])
%d 19930120
%i Science Fiction Folk Songs
%i alt.music.filk
%e
Filks are science fiction folk songs.  Popular myth is that someone mistyped
"folk" at a convention and the word "filk" stood.

A prime example of a filk is the one included below.  This song was posted
on alt.music.filk (or on the FidoNet echo moderated by Kay Shapero).  I
believe that Ellen would approve of this re-publication of her song.

        "I Fought the Borg"
        ===================
        (sung to the tune of "I Fought the Law")
        by Ellen Edgerton

        Met a cube-shaped ship near Deneb 1,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won.

        Had my phaser set on maximum stun,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won.

        Fired all my photons in surprise attack,
        I thought that they were done --
        But they regenerated and kept coming back,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won.

        Went to Warp 9.9 and tried to run,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won.

        Tried to get more power but I had none,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won.

        Tried a suicide dive to scare them away,
        Right into a sun,
        But the bastards got me with a tractor ray,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won.

        Now I'm Locutis and it ain't no fun,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won.
%e
*EOA*


%t Imperial College Science Fiction Society
%n 1R15
%s ICSF
%a Alexander Lachlan McLintock  ([e-mail])
%d 19930120
%i Science Fiction Society, Imperial College
%i ICSF
%e
Imperial College Science Fiction Society is one of the largest social clubs
at Imperial.  Its main function is to store a library of >2500 books.  These
are kept at the "ICSF library" which can be found below Beit Quad, at
basement level, behind a door with a sign saying "beware of the leopard."

This fact is often lost on first year students who totally fail to find this
room, thus failing the second intelligence test of starting college.  The
first is, of course:  "How do I get my library text-books before everyone
else?"

The third intelligence test involves members of the opposite sex.
Unfortunately the ICSF library is particularly unsuitable for such enquiry
as the male to female ratio usually ranges around the 7 to 1 mark.  This is
_slightly_ worse than that of Imperial as a whole.  (Although I am speaking
from the male standpoint I am told that it is just as bad for the female
students.  The general solution is to get a steady boyfriend and make sure
everyone knows about him.)

There is some debate as to whether the third test involves finding the Union
Bar, and purchasing large quantities of alcohol.  This argument is
undecided.  However it is nearby and so rare members of the society can
display prowess in both third tests simultaneously.

Communication with the Committee of ICSF is through various primitive means.
E-mail is frowned upon as no one left in the committee is smart enough to do
a computer degree.  Post to:

          ICSF c/o Imperial College Union,
          Beit Hall,
          Prince Consort Road,
          South Kensington,
          SW7 2BZ
          United Kingdom.

(definition of a committee:
A creature with more than six legs, and no brain -- Lazarus Long)

The society aims at producing at least one one-day convention per year.  It
regularly fails to get much enthusiasm from the general bulk of the members
who have never been to a science fiction convention.

In case you were wondering, Imperial College is a large part of the
University of London.  Its E-mail domain is .ic.ac.uk.  Its not so bad so
long as you choose a course you enjoy.
%e
*EOA*


%t Real Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The
%n 1R16
%s Earth Computer Pretends To Be "The Hitchhiker's Guide"
%a Alexander Lachlan McLintock   ([e-mail])
%d 19930120
%x Origins of the Guide
%x Article Writing Guide For Field Researchers And Guide Editors
%i Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The Real
%e
"The Real Hitchhikers Guide to The Galaxy" is a computer-based encyclopedia
which runs on David Hodges' ex-Atari.  The entries to this guide have been
written by science fiction fans from all over the world over several years.

The entries are on topics humorous to the Hitchhiker / Dr. Who / Blake's 7 /
science fiction / fantasy / telefantasy fans.  There is no restriction on
entry.  As long as Dave thinks it is half-funny, and he can be bothered to
type it, it goes in.  There are entries on Sex, Towels, Bugblatter Beasts of
Traal, Universities, Exams, and many other topics.

David takes his computer to science fiction conventions on invitation and
traditionally produces a printout of the guide for auction (proceeds go to
the convention charity).  The convention goers can consult the (computer)
guide at their leisure, accompanied by sounds from the tv series.  The
printout is, of course, yours to peruse at your leisure, in bed, in the
bath, during free fall sex, or whatever.

Over 10 printouts exist.  Not bad considering that each one takes around two
days to print, on draft, on a standard micro printer.  There are some 400+
entries, each being a screen of text.  This figure was correct around 1992,
but the guide is growing all the time.

Three printouts that I have heard about have sold for:

          30 pounds sterling -- bought by Imperial Science Fiction Society.
          18 pounds.
          42 pounds and 42 pence -- bought by Massy Harper, also of
            Imperial College.

No electronic copies of the guide are produced as this would result in many
pirated copies, removing the exclusivity of the guide, and invalidating its
usefulness to charity.

Copyright:

The occasional entry quoting material in the Hitchhikers' trilogy has been
allowed by Douglas Adams.  There is a signed statement from DNA saying so
(It is displayed prominently, along with other signatures of famous people
who have read some of the Guide).  The purpose of the Guide is only to raise
money for charity, and NOT to make oodles of money for anyone else.  This
does not mean that the Guide is a version of any of these books/TV/radio
series.  (It isn't.)

Send Mail To:

David Hodges' Guide has, by the way, nothing to do with any Guide currently
on the internet such as those discussed in alt.galactic-guide.  If you wish
to write an entry for the Guide (eg. the one you were about to send to
[e-mail] or [e-mail]), please send it to Dave
at:

          David Hodges
          68 Gotch Rd
          Barton Seagrave
          Kettering
          Northhants
          NN15 6UQ
          United Kingdom

Please note that no copies of this guide are sent out via post.  This would
cost a fortune and be far too much trouble.

By the way, the computer was based on an Atari but has been moved into a
metal travelling case to protect the hard-disks and prototype hardware
donated by Atari.  It has been to Australia and back so it must be pretty
tough.
%e
*EOA*


%t Telephones
%n 1R17
%s Some Advice to Help You Use One Properly
%a Dennis Holmes  ([e-mail])
%d 19920120
%x Definitely Correct Speech
%x Telephone Bills
%i Phones
%i Emergency Tips Utilizing Telephones
%e
The telephone system is a remarkable communications network that has been
successfully and properly implemented on most civilized planets except
Earth.  Because of this unfortunate situation, you may find the following
pointers helpful when placing calls to, from, or between locations on Earth.

PLACING A CALL

The first thing you will need to place a telephone call is an area code.  An
area code is a series of random digits assigned to a particular country,
state or province, region, city, street, building, floor, room, telephone,
or point in space.  The best way to obtain an area code is to call the party
you wish to reach and ask them to call you back five minutes ago and tell it
to you.  However, on Earth this is widely regarded as impossible, and so you
may be better off to simply punch one at random and hope for the best.

The next thing you will need is an actual telephone number.  This is,
naturally, a series of random digits assigned to a particular country, state
or province, region, city, street, building, floor, room, telephone, point
in space, or even a person.  After you dial the area code, you should
proceed with dialing the digits of the telephone number.  Order is not
important, as the destination of your call has been decided in advance by
the telephone company's computers.

WRONG NUMBERS

The best thing to do if you dial the wrong number is to rave furiously at
the answering party about how they have their telephone connected
improperly and insist that they contact the telephone company and change
their phone number immediately.  Unless, of course, the answering party is a
member of the telephone company, in which case your best recourse is simply
to quote passages from _The Guide_ at them until they hang up.  Employees of
the telephone company are highly trained by masters in the art of Definitely
Correct Speech, and entering into an argument with one of them would,
besides being completely pointless, require serious psychiatric
rehabilitation to repair the resulting damage to your (a) ego and (b)
perceptions of reality.

BILLING ERRORS

Here is what you should do if you detect an error on your billing statement:
Forget about it.  Simply pay the amount shown in the "Amount Due" box and be
done with the matter.  It is a little-known fact that the methods employed
in producing telephone bills are an offshoot of the science of
Bistromathics, and thus the numbers printed on them are completely
incomprehensible to anyone but (possibly) the telephone company's computers.
Most of the actual meaningful information on the bill is also printed in a
language invented by these same computers, so there is really nothing to be
done about it except to let the computers have their fun.

TROUBLESHOOTING

If your telephone does not work properly, you should immediately purchase a
new one and relocate to another country, state or province, region, city,
street, building, floor, room, or point in space to have it installed by the
telephone company.  Do not attempt to tell them that your telephone does not
work, as they will simply tell you that it does and that will be the end of
it.  Just tell them politely that you need an additional telephone and would
they please come and install it next Tuesday morning.  This is the only
known method of communicating productively with the telephone company.  You
will of course need to be available on Thursday afternoon when they perform
the installation.

EMERGENCIES

Chances are you'll never need this service, but in the event of an
emergency, in most places you can now pick up any telephone and dial 119.
(Again, order is not important.)  You will then be connected with someone
who already knows more about you, your location, and what is going on in the
universe than you could possibly relate verbally before the crisis is over,
so under most circumstances you can simply dial the number and listen to
soothing messages until you die.  You see, these people are so amazingly in
touch with the universe that they will anticipate most crises and either
send help or avert them in advance.  If you actually find yourself in a
crisis with no help in sight, then chances are that nothing can be done
anyhow, so you might as well relax.  On the other hand, if you happen to be
walking along and see an ambulance parked up the street with the engine
running, perhaps you'd best choose another route.
%e
*EOA*


%t Assembly Language
%n 1R18
%s Fast, efficient, and it does exactly what you tell it.
%a Vincent Joseph Shuta  ([e-mail])
%d 1993120
%x JSP
%i Assembler
%e
Assembly language programming is one of the most powerful methods of
programming a computer.  It works one step above the level of the computer.
That is, instead of writing a program that says "print this character on the
screen when such and such a condition is met" you write a program that says
"put the number $A6 at address $E510 when the flag at $1023 becomes a one."
Actually, this isn't entirely true.  Which addresses and numbers are
appropriate varies wildly from computer to computer (or, microcontroller
to microcontroller.  The actual semantics of whether to say computer or
microcontroller are just that -- semantics.  Generally, microcontrollers
are used with devices and computers are used for number-crunching).

Assembly programs generally use numbers in base 16, also known as
hexadecimal, due to the fact that the physical structure of most computers
is based on grouping the individual switches in groups of 8.  Thus it is
very easy to go from the switch patterns to the hexadecimal numbers.

The commands are very short, and the computer does exactly what you
tell it.  The advantage to this is that the executables are extremely small
and fast.  To give you an idea of the speed gains, an assembly program will
generally run 2 to 4 times faster than a comparable C/C++ program, and
orders of magnitude faster than many other languages.

One of the disadvantages of assembly is, the computer does exactly what
you tell it.  That is, if you think you're telling it one thing, and you're
actually telling it another, the results are going to be quite different
than what you expect.  Usually, they're dramatically different, and nine
times out of ten they involve an infinite loop somewhere you didn't expect
it.

This brings us to the second disadvantage.  Due to the short and direct
nature of the syntax, debugging your own program can be difficult.  Even
trying to figure out what someone else's program is attempting to do can
take so much time that it's often easier to start from scratch.  And the
slightest mistake will mean the program won't work properly.  Only very
rarely will it even do anything close.  This is simply because of the direct
nature of the commands.  The only way around this is to document the program
far more than one would deem necessary; every line if possible.

Thus assembly language can be considered an extremely fast, powerful,
and efficient language.  But one should be alert for the potential
difficulties assembly language can present.
%e
*EOA*


%t Geneva, Switzerland, Earth
%n 2R2
%s Geneva, Switzerland is a city for very rich people.
%a Geraldo Xexeo  ([e-mail])
%d 19911101
%x Earth
%e
Geneva, capital of the Republic and Canton of Geneva, part of the Helvetique
Confederation, is a city in Switzerland.  French speaking, English is the
most used language in Geneva, due to the presence of an countable number of
International Organizations in it (among them UN, WHO, WWF and an infinite
number of banks).  If you are planning to expend an exciting weekend in a
fabulous city, Geneva is not the right choice unless you can stay the day
counting your money in a private bank.  Geneva is a city for very rich
people.  If you are very rich, you can eat at expensive restaurants, buy at
expensive shops, and use expensive cars.  Since you are reading this guide,
you are probably not quite defined as "rich", so you will have to spend your
money in expensive restaurants and expensive shops, but forget about the car.

The city is small, with 300,000 habitants.  60% of them are not Swiss, which
could be a good thing concerning amusement.  Swiss night-life is summarized
in a few words, actually very few words.  Zero words, to be honest.  The rest
of the population goes to English pubs, Italian cantinas, and out of the
city, which is the best part of Geneva.  Roma and Paris are good options.
In winter, you can ski in Chamonix, less than one hour by car.

Touristic attractions are the Geneva Lake, with a big fountain near the city,
and religious buildings connected with Calvin Protestant Revolution in
Geneva.  That means you can make tourism and pay for all your sins in the
same day, which is not something to disconsider.  Don't get the "Teleferique
du Saleve", which you can reach by car or walking, and save 10 bucks.  Only a
swiss would think about paying to get up in a mountain where cars can drive,
so they don't tell it to you until you are there.  There is also the old
town, which is 400 years old (which is not so old in European standards, but
enough if you come from California).

Rue du Rhone is the principal street, where you can lose all your money
buying things with prices that should be outlawed anywhere.  Hermes, Chanel,
Cartier, Valentino, and every one else have shops in Geneva.  That makes the
city a good shot if you want to be a top model.  Better if you want to _get_
top models, and you can afford it...

Placed in the middle of Europe, Geneva is the right place to stay the night
in a trip from Paris to Rome, or Munich to Lyon.  Did I already mention that
you have to be able to afford the night?   OK, Geneva is not that expensive.
It is more.

Democracy is a very famous institution of Switzerland.  The problem is the
definition of the word.  In Geneva, what is not forbidden is mandatory. "Do
you have a license to do that?  Ah!  So that's you in our files.  But, did
you get a license to be in our files?"  On the other side, people are very
used to obeying orders and reading the manuals.  The problem is that, not
very often, there is nothing in the manuals, what can be good or bad for you,
depending on how much you drunk, who is talking with you, and why you left
your documents on the starship.

Switzerland is famous for its watches and cheeses.  Try a fondue "motie-
motie" anywhere in the city.  The oldest restaurant in town is a good choice.
It is in the old town, in front of three old guns that commemorate the defeat
of Geneva by Austria.  I don't understand that either.  Geneva is infamous
for its red wine.  If they tell you it is good, don't believe them.  If they
insist, say you don't drink alcohol.  Be aware to be ready to explain what
that glass of beer is doing in your hand.  You can get a good white wine, but
they come from Lausanne.

Actually, everything that is good in Geneva come from some place different.
French girls, Italian cooks, German managers, English rock are easily found.
American lawyers are here also, but this was a big mistake the Swiss did.

To buy a watch, you can select from a 20,000 US$ Gold and Diamonds Rolex to a
35 US$ Swatch.  Swatches are plastic watches with fun colors and drawings
that no one thinks are beautiful, but everyone has to have at least two.  To
find a shop selling Swatches, just look for people speaking loud with Italian
accents.  They are real Italians, and they used to buy more of these watches
than everyone else in the world.  We don't know if this can improve their
punctuality, but it improves a lot Geneva revenues.  It is very interesting
that it is much easier to buy the Rolex you want than the Swatch that you saw
in the catalogue.  Swatches are collectors items, and some of them are
difficult to find.  Some people believe that Swatch really makes a profit
from selling catalogues, the watch being just a small misconcept in the
design phase that went wild.

Equipment: Skying gear, towel, leather wallet
What to bring: money, credit card, gold, jewelry, towel
You can't lose: The ticket back home, skiing in Chamonix
You should forget: Staying more than 3 days
%e
*EOA*


%t Harvard Square, Boston, Massachusetts, USA, Earth
%n 2R3
%s Mostly Preppie
%a Loren Haarsma  ([e-mail])
%d 19920120
%x Massachusetts Institute Of Technology
%x Earth
%e
In the great city-state of Boston, and in its collection of semi-autonomous
suburbs, Geometry has taken it on the chin.  In these cities, whenever two or
more major streets intersect at a strange angle (and major streets, when they
intersect at all, invariably intersect at strange angles) it is designated a
"square."  And just to send Geometry running away screaming, these "squares"
are given names.  In the city of Cambridge (just to the north of Boston) it
just so happens that Massachusetts Avenue, J.F.K. Street, and Mount Auburn
Street all intersect near Harvard University.  And it is called --
surprisingly enough -- "Harvard Square."  (This is surprising because the
names of nearly all the other "squares" make no sense whatsoever.)

If you should hitchhike to Harvard University (Driving is out of the
question, since it is impossible to find a parking spot anywhere near Harvard
Square.  The most clever hitchhikers will avoid hitchhiking altogether and
take the subway.) in order to gaze at it's splendid library, or to marvel in
its awesome museums, or -- best of all -- to visit a rich relative who
happens to be enrolled there, then you will probably spend some time
wandering around Harvard Square.

Harvard Square is the place in the United States -- outside of southern
California -- where you are most likely to encounter several preppies dressed
in izods getting their picture taken in front of a "Join the Revolutionary
Communist Youth League of America" banner.  The Square itself is a several-
block region of shops and restaurants near the University.  Since most, if
not all, of the land is owned by the University, the business establishments
must pay an obscene amount of rent, and they pass these costs on to the
customers.

When touring Boston in general, and Harvard Square in particular, you should
either purchase a street map, or expect to ask directions 5 or 6 times before
finding your desired destination.  You should think of each of these events
as "mini-adventures."

RESTAURANTS: Most restaurants charge $4-5 for lunch and $8-10 for dinner.
There are many restaurants, but my recommendations are:

          CHINESE: "Chef Chow's" on Church Street in "The Atrium;" excellent
             food, good prices, and you can amuse yourself by trying to
             figure out why the establishment hires twice as many waiters and
             waitresses as it needs.
          INDIAN: "India Gate" on Holyoke Street; excellent vegetarian dishes
             and breads.
          MEXICAN: "Border Cafe" on Church Street; expect a loooong wait.
          PIZZA: Although some Harvardians like the pizza places around here,
             I suggest you order out and get it delivered.
          FAST: "_Au Bon Pain_" on Mass Av; a pricy McDonald's with an
             attitude.
          GENERIC: "Grendles" on J.F.K. Street; good prices, fair food, but
             the atmosphere is "very Harvard," and hey, as long as you're in
             the neighborhood, why not?  Good music.
          GENERIC: "The Wurst House" on J.F.K. Street; I'm told it has good
             beer, but the food totally failed to impress me.
          ICE CREAM: All the shops are adequate.

On NO ACCOUNT should you be persuaded to eat at a cafeteria on campus.  If
you cannot afford a restaurant, then go into "Store 24" (on Mass Av.) and
purchase a pre-made, pre-wrapped sandwich.  They will let you use their
microwave and sell you some very bad coffee for a quarter.

PARKING GARAGE: On Holyoke Street.  Maybe.

HOTELS: You can't afford them.

It is impossible throw a pedestrian in Harvard Square without hitting half a
dozen book stores, none of which carry enough "Doonesbury."  Decent prices,
though.  If you are into shabby little sci-fi bookstores where the owners
know more trivia than any sane person should, you will find one located just
above the "Wurst House" on J.F.K. Street, called "Pandemonium."

Speaking of pedestrians, you should NEVER NEVER simply step out into the
street and expect the cars to stop for you.  They won't.

The movie theaters in Harvard Square almost never show any interesting
movies.  This is probably because every movie house in the greater Boston
area is owned by Loewe's Theater Megacorp.

    OTHER PLACES OF INTEREST:

          THE GARAGE: on J.F.K. Street.  A mini-mall and student hang-out
             whose interior is inexplicably designed like a parking garage.
          OUT OF TOWN NEWS: Perhaps the largest news stand you will ever see,
             located in the heart of Harvard Square, carrying newspapers from
             cities you've never heard of.
          THE FUNNY FARM:  A little shop located on Eliot Street; hard to
             find but worth the effort.  They sell many varieties of wind-up,
             battery-driven, and otherwise-mobile toys.  It's a place where
             you can find store owners almost certainly stranger than
             yourself.
          CATCH A RISING STAR: on J.F.K. Street.  Not-yet-ready-for-the-club-
             scene performers.
          THE SPORTS CLUB: on J.F.K. Street. Particularly amusing to observe
             the patrons when the Red Sox/Patriots/Celtics/Bruins are losing
             a critical game, as they so frequently do.
          THE CHARLES RIVER: No, that's not a store or a shop.  That's the
             real, actual river.  It's pronounced, "Chaahhles."  There's a
             nice little park along the banks.
          STREET PERFORMERS: all over the place during warm afternoons and
             evenings, particularly on weekends.  Some of them are quite
             good.

Many stores sell "official Harvard insignia" clothing, mugs, pencils,
notebooks, and just about anything else you can think of, including towels.
All of it is overpriced.  A word of warning to avoid embarrassment:  the
"Harvard Co-operative Society" book/everything-else store (located on Mass
Av.) is called, "The Coop."  Not, "The Co-op," but, "The Coop."  As in
"chicken."  This is simply yet another inexplicable aspect of the greater
Boston area.
%e
*EOA*


%t Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute
%n 2R4
%s A hitchhiker's view of RPI
%a Jesse Mundis  ([e-mail])
%d 19910410
%i RPI
%e
Greetings all you hoopy hitchhikers out there!  I congratulate you on your
choice of reading material.  But enough with small talk, you want to know
about RPI, so here we go:

RPI was founded in 1824 by Stephan VanRensselaer.  It resides in Troy, NY,
USA, Earth.

"Enough with the history," I hear you cry, "get on with the good stuff."  Ok,
calm down.  I spent four years doing research on this subject (and managed
to get a degree there at the same time!) so I can assure you that everything
I write is completely, blindingly, factual, except the bits that aren't.

Food: A subject near and dear to the hearts, and other squishy bits that
do the same thing but are different colors and shapes from hearts, of many
hitchhikers.  Campus meal service is provided by Daka (day-ka) which I
presume stands for Dreadful Awful KA-ka.  Some areas are better than others,
but other than lunches, which were quite well prepared, the prudent
hitchhiker is advised to eat out, or cook for themselves.

Money: Don't worry, you won't have any.  Tuition is 347,556.003 Zambinian
Froodles (see current exchange rate at your local branch of the Galactic
Bank).  I'm still paying off student loans.  My suggestion here... hang out
in a dirty space port, it's much cheaper.

Weather: It's fantastic!  That is, if you come from a water world.  For those
of you who prefer to remain dry, I'd recommend skipping this one.

Local sites: Points of interest around the RPI/Troy area include:  Uncle
Sam Atrium (yes, the old guy with the funny hat who wants you came from
Troy), "The Egg" in Albany Plaza (a large structure obviously left by
visiting, concrete, avian, aliens), The Rolls (a cozy little below-the-street
bar in Troy where Roy Atkinson plays folk music Wednesday nights.  A
definite three tentacles up for this place!!), and "The Approach" (the
collapsing stairway which once was the main entrance to campus).  No visiting
Hitchhiker should miss these sites.

REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF: Parties and social life!  These things actually do
exist on the RPI campus.  This is an interesting phenomenon since RPI has a
more unbalanced ratio than MIT does.  Even so, many fun and exciting parties
can be found with a group of students and non-students called The RPI
Players.  They are the theater group on campus, and hoopier froods will not
be sassed anywhere.  They hold "Cast Parties" after the closing night show of
a performance.  If a hitchhiker is of legal age for his/hers/its species,
they may partake of a drink called Players Punch.  This liquid, usually
pinkish in color, is about as close to a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster as you
may hope to find on this boring little planet.

Final Review: Its a bit over priced, and pressure can get to some, but
overall I'd have to say that my four year research assignment at RPI was
an enjoyable time.  I'd advise other researchers to go and back up my
findings.  My final rating of RPI is: Mostly Harmless.
%e
*EOA*


%t Algonquin Park, Ontario, Canada, Earth
%n 2R5
%s Buzz Buzz Slap, Paddle Paddle Splash
%a Loren Haarsma  ([e-mail])
%d 19920304
%x Earth
%e
Remarkable as it may seem, some people actually enjoy camping and canoeing
for several days at a time.

This article is not the right place to discuss the intricacies of camping,
and this author is certainly not the right person to discuss them.
Everything you should know about camping-in-general -- from choosing tents
and sleeping bags and food, to how to pack and carry a backpack, to what
items you should take with you (like a first aid kit), to stringing up your
backpacks at night so that the large and exceedingly noisy raccoons can't
raid them, to developing an attitude which enjoys hardship, pain and
deprivation -- is true about camping in Algonquin Park.  I will instead
focus on the unique joys and hardships posed by this particular location.

Most of the time, it is not at all difficult to see why a majority of
Canada's population chooses to live in southern Ontario.  During certain
times of the year, however, other locations in Canada hold certain
attractions.  If your idea of "fun" is sleeping on uneven rocky surfaces,
spending hours cooking pre-packaged food, walking long distances over
winding paths carrying heavy burdens, and occasionally getting yourself and
all of your belongings uncontrollably tossed into deep water; then you
might consider canoeing and camping in Algonquin Park (about 240 km north
of Toronto), where the air is fresh, the lakes are clear, evergreens cover
the hills, and you are surrounded by the sounds of nature.

The most important sound of nature is of course the incessant whine of
mosquitoes.  You would think that in a large, northern national park which
has many lakes and streams, that the mosquitoes would be as large as birds
and capable of flying off with your dinner, or indeed your family pet.  But
this is only true of some of them; most of them are exactly the right size to
fly into your ear and buzz around in there for hours.  All of them are quite
capable of biting you through clothing, including, apparently, denim.  And
this brings us to our first item.

The Most Important Item You Can Carry While Camping In Algonquin: REPELLANT.

Large amounts of mosquito repellant.  Take two or three brands with you.  If
the first brand you use isn't effective after ten minutes or so, Don't Wait!
Immediately switch to another brand, and keep switching until you find one
which works.  If you fail to do this, the many dozens of bites you receive in
the first few hours will drive you mad for days thereafter.  Don't skimp on
the repellant; buy the expensive brands if you think they might work better.
Mosquitoes are the only bothersome insect late in the summer, but in June and
early July there may well be other biting insects to worry about, such as
blackflies.

Another sound of nature you will likely encounter at Algonquin is the
bellowing of the majestic moose.  You are most likely to encounter this
bellowing throughout the night after a long day of paddling and portaging
when all you want to do is get some sleep, except that the moose standing a
few hundred meters from your camp has other plans for the night and is trying
to attract other moose in order to make its plans come true.  You might wish
to take a camera with you to Algonquin, because it is quite possible --
although not necessarily wise -- that you will get the chance to paddle your
canoe to within just a few meters of a moose.

The sound of nature which compensates for the mosquitoes and the moose is, of
course, the call(s) of the loon.  The first time you hear these birds, you
will understand their name; you might also get a glimmering of why Canadians
chose the loon for their national bird and stamped its likeness on their $1
coins.  The call of the loon in the early morning when you have just
awakened, or in the evening after sunset, is one of the most astonishingly
beautiful things you will ever hear, and never gets tiresome.

You can rent canoes, life preservers, and paddles right at the park; the only
thing you need to bring with you is your camping equipment.  Actually, there
is a store which sells camping equipment at the park, but the prices are
pretty much what you would expect at a government-owned-and-operated store
located right at the entry point.

Algonquin Park is huge.  There are many dozens of lakes, most of which have a
few widely separated campsites on them.  If you really want to "get away from
people" for a while, then you should plan on a MINIMUM of 5 days (two days
moving out from the point of entry, two days to get back).  Naturally, the
longer you plan to stay "out," the farther into the park you can get, the
fewer and fewer people you will meet, and the heavier and heavier your
backpack will be when you start.  You might be tempted to canoe/portage "as
fast as possible" for the first half of your trip, to see how far "out" you
can get and to take in as much scenery as possible -- which forces you to
move fast on your return trip as well -- but you should definitely consider
setting aside at least one day to take it very easy, moving very slowly or
indeed not at all.  Although the scenery is beautiful, it is quite frankly --
aside from a small waterfall here or a strange island with all burnt-out
trees there -- pretty much the same in one part of the park as another, so
just take it easy and enjoy the scenery where you are.

It is a good idea to contact the Park authorities several weeks in advance to
ask them about camping conditions.  It is an even better idea to ask them to
send you a detailed map of Algonquin, and to LAMINATE that map before you
arrive.  And this brings us to a very important topic.

WATERPROOFING:  You will need to waterproof everything in your backpack.
Garbage bags work for clothing.  Bring plenty of rope to act as clothesline,
just in case.  Certain vital necessities which cannot stand water, such as
toilet paper, should be double-bagged.  Since it is absolutely impossible to
avoid getting your feet wet, you should bring TWO pairs of shoes.  (Squishing
around the campsite all evening in soggy shoes is second only to mosquito
bites as a source of mental instability in campers.)  Since most of the
portages are short, hiking boots are probably not needed; and it should be
pointed out that hiking boots, once wet, simply do not dry out during the
lifetime of a normal vacation.

FOOD and WATER:  Bring a portable stove; campfires are not allowed from time
to time when there hasn't been enough rain.  The water in most of the lakes
is perfectly drinkable ONCE IT HAS BEEN BOILED.  Paddling is hard work, so
bring large canteens which you can fill each morning with boiled water.  A
useful trick is to bring gallon milk jugs with screw-on caps:  fill with
boiled water, seal, and put it the lake for rapid cooling; tie empty jugs to
backpacks for buoyancy.

TIE THE BACKPACKS ONTO THE CANOE while paddling.  I would hope this one was
pretty obvious.

SUNGLASSES are very useful, and very easy to lose.

CAMPSITES are generally well separated from each other.  They consist of
nothing more than some open space in which to pitch one or two tents (usually
with some pine needles for padding), a bare patch of ground to build a fire
or set your stove, and an open-box latrine a few dozen meters away.  You are
responsible for keeping the campsites perfectly clean, which means CARRYING
ALL OF YOUR GARBAGE OUT WITH YOU.  Use only biodegradable soap.

Some campsites are better than others.  It's a good idea to pick a site and
set up camp early, a few hours before sunset.  This allows you to pitch
tents, cook dinner, go for a leisurely swim, and, most importantly, memorize
the path to the latrine, before dark.

CANOEING:  Bring along an extra paddle.  It'll be might difficult trying to
get back to the entry point one paddle short.  Since canoeing involves a lot
of sitting, cushion-type floatation devices provide a vital service which
vest-types cannot.

Lakes are by far the most common feature of Algonquin, but there are also
rivers, streams, a few marshes, and even a waterfall or two.  (Canoeing over
a waterfall is NOT recommended.)  On the rivers, expect to encounter beaver
dams.  The first few will be amusing, but after that you will start thinking
thoughts about stylish fur caps.

PORTAGES:  A typical day of canoeing in Algonquin will include half a dozen
portages.  Their length is typically a few hundred meters.  A few portages
are longer than 1 kilometer, and they should be positively avoided!  I can
categorically state that you will not be having fun during long portages.
Mosquitoes seem to KNOW to congregate at landing sites for portages.  You
might consider renting a shoulder harness to help carry the canoe.  And
the extra money it costs to rent the lighter Kevlar canoes is definitely
worth it!
%e
*EOA*


%t Berlin, Germany, Earth
%n 2R6
%s An ultimately nice, really megafrood place.
%a Klaus v. Knoblauch  ([e-mail])
%d 19920629
%x Earth
%e
Well, I suppose you'll reach Berlin by anything, doesn't matter, as long as
you're there.  There is lot to say about how to fool the East-German customs
officers and buy tax-free booze and fags in transit through DDR and get them
into town; however, since they've torn the wall, which is widely considered
a bad move, and has made many people quite angry, this has become immaterial.
The only reason I mention it at all is to produce more lines and to pretend
that I'd know it.

The Wall:

First of all a little joke:

Do you know why the Chinese people always show such a mysterious smile,
expressing something like "Well, I know that you'd love to know why I'm
grinning like this, but I won't tell, 'cause if I did you'd be wondering why
someone can grin like that for such reasons." ?

Well, they do so because their Chinese Wall is still undamaged.

Since the wall was torn down in 1990, it can no longer be visited.  But you
can still buy pieces of it from many street dealers.  Don't worry, if you can
visit Berlin only in late 2001, there'll be still street dealers, selling
those nice lightly colored Original-Berliner-Mauer-Brick-Parts, and there
will always be smart froods spraying graffities to house-walls, tearing them
down and sell the parts to tourists (slang expression Turissis).  There's
more to say about these street dealers and the Russian army caps, wrist
watches, and Kalashnikows they sell, but this will come under 'Souvenirs.'

Culture:

There is.  Buy a Berlin-Culture-Guide; it lists all museums, galleries,
concert halls, churches, congress places and public lavatories.  Buying it,
you'll not only get all important information, but also help the suffering
tourist-industry-managers to a new Mercedes car.  Thank You for doing so.

Music:

There is.  Buy ear protecting devices.

Universities:

There are several: the Free University, the Technical University, The Humbold
University, The Hochschule der Kuenste, and a public lavatory.  They all are
places for students to hang around, drink a lot, breed new students, and give
free UseNet access to them.  Irrelevant, completely.

The Zoo:

There are.  Yes, are!  Berlin has two zoos (actually three) due to the fact,
that before the wall was torn, everything had to be kept in two copies, one
for the capitalist WEST-BERLIN and one for the communist HAUPTSTADT DER DDR.
Now, that Berlin has become the capital of Germany, for most of these, only
the capitalist ones survived.  Exceptions to this rule prove it.  The third
'Zoo' is actually referring to a big railroad station, but many interesting
lifeforms can be watched here, too.  The (former-has-been) West-Berlin Zoo is
called Zoo (Zoologischer Garten).  As you enter it, beware of one of the
elephants, which likes to throw sand at the tourists.  In the carnivore-house
beware of one of the lions, which likes to piss at the tourists.  In the
night-animal house beware of pickpockets.  The (now-no-longer) East-Berlin
Zoo is called Der Tierpark which could be translated as 'The Animal Park'
which is nonsense.  No _special_ precautions are necessary.

Sex:

There is.  Buy a Berlin-Sex-Guide; it lists all sexshops, gay-sexshops, porno
cinemas, brothels, single-whores and public lavatories.  Buying it, you'll
not only get all important information, but also help the suffering tourist-
industry-managers to a new Mercedes car.  Thank You for doing so.

The Ku-Damm (Kurfuerstendamm):

Like in many other cities, there is a thing like downtown in Berlin, only, it
is not called downtown, towncentre or any other commonly used expression,
but The Ku-Damm.  Don't get misled by the fact that there is also a road
called Ku-Damm; this is only the center of the towncentre.  There are other
really froody spots in town rather than The Ku-Damm, but you should visit
them only if you:

          1) are after fun
          2) own a knife or gun, or are familiar with karate
             and other survival techniques
          3) will not easily be recognized as a tourissi

History:

There is.  Buy a Berlin-History-Guide; it lists all castles, small castles,
government castles, old churches, new churches, parliament house, and public
lavatories.  Buying it, you'll not only get all important information, but
also help the suffering tourist-industry-managers to a new Mercedes car.
Thank You for doing so.

Sightseeing-Tours:

They are a rip.  Better hire a cab and tell the driver to take you to the
next corner on the fastest way.  You'll have a lot more fun (especially when
you see the bill :-) ).

Adventures:

There are many adventures to join in Berlin.  A very good place for doing so
is Kreuzberg (crosshill).  Again, don't get misled by the hill Kreuzberg,
which is also in Berlin, but at a completely different place.  SO36 (ESSO
sexondthryssik, phonetically spelled) is what you should tell the cab-driver.
Getting a cab driver taking you there is already the first adventure.
Joining adventures in Kreuzberg is simple: Shave your head and just move
around.  The adventure (skinhead-loathing Turks, Asians, East Europeans,
Italians, or any other intelligent live forms will approach you and take
care of everything else, including your mortal remains.  These will be taken
care of by the BSR, who have a special department for this, and will be
recycled as Doner-Kebab, Hamburger, or Curry-Wurst, the latter of which
tastes almost absolutely but not completely unlike a hot dog.

Science:

There is.  Buy a Berlin-Science-Guide; it lists all Universities, Institutes,
Experimental stations, nature observing stations, astronomical observatories,
and public lavatories.  Buying it, you'll not only get all important
information, but also help the suffering tourist-industry-managers to a new
Mercedes car.  Thank You for doing so.

Souvenirs:

Well, you know, there are these souvenir-shops.  They are exactly like in
each other town, only instead London-Tower-models they sell Funkturm-models
and instead Saint-Pauls-T-shirts they sell Kaiser-Wilhelm-Gedaechtnis-Kirche-
T-shirts.  A lot more fun to buy souvenirs from are those many street
dealers, which I already mentioned above. These smart froods make their
living out of the fact that the wall was torn down, the real-existing-
socialism in the (former-has-been) USSR has crashed, and the Russian,
American, English and French soldiers moved out of Berlin.  Especially the
Russians are most valuable for them: after all that Crash (Wall, Socialism,
USSR etc.) first happened, many Russian soldiers sold their army-caps,
medals, onion-style watches and Kalashnikovs.  Meanwhile, all these
Original-Russian-Army-Souvenirs are all standard 'Made in Hong Kong' Quality,
and of course the Kalashnikovs are no longer sold (except the Made-in-
Taiwan-plastic-ones).

Tea (where to get a cup of...):

In almost every restaurant, but in no public lavatories you'll be served
tea.  You can get Ceylon-, Broken Orange Pekoe-, Darjeeling-, Russian-,
Turkish, Japanese-, several fruit and haschisch (cannabis) tea.
%e
*EOA*


%t Party Hints
*    This article originally appeared in the Toxic Custard Workshop Files
*    number 82 (3rd February 1992).  *BLATANT PLUG*  Subscriptions to this
*    completely worthless publication are available from the author, or
*    by emailing [e-mail]
%s How to have a party on Earth - some helpful hints
%a Daniel Bowen  ([e-mail])
%n 2R7
%d 19920203
%i How To Have A Party
%e
Here are some handy hints to remember if you're planning on having a
party:

         1) Don't have one. You'll be regretting it for the rest of
            your life, as every day you'll find another piece of rubbish
            or a stain you hadn't seen before.

         2) Keep control of the music.  Don't let the alcoholic
            headbanger of the party take over or you'll have wall to
            wall heavy metal all evening as he gets completely pissed
            and lies in the garden, still banging his head on the garden
            path to the Slayer album someone was irresponsible enough to
            bring along.

         3) Make sure no-one strays from the garden into the house.
            Grass is easier to clean than carpet, and is considerably
            cheaper, even if you do have to mow it.

         4) Don't let any electrical engineering students do the
            lighting.  You could end up electrocuting ten people and
            blacking-out the state.

         5) If you're going to have a barbecue, make sure there's
            someone sober around who knows how to try to work it.  Try
            not to let any intoxicated persons near the gas supply or
            the matches.

         6) Do not let people who can't cook, cook.

         7) When using party sparklers, do not wave them at passing
            aircraft, particularly when in the vicinity of an airport.

         8) Always have a conversation starter ready for the dreaded
            and inevitable lull during the early stages of the party
            when everyone sits around talking quietly.  Experts have
            identified a condition known as Sudden Party Global
            Quietness, whereby everyone suddenly and unexpectedly stops
            talking at once, leaving only the loud music and the quiet
            headbanging from the garden as the only sounds in the
            otherwise silent darkness.

         9) Try to prevent lights exploding.

         10) Do not, under any account, let in people that you don't
             know.  Especially if they look like intergalactic hitchhikers
             - they always cause trouble.  Subject all entrants to
             interrogation, search and "identify the host" procedures.

         11) Try not to let the aforementioned alcoholic headbanger
             bring along his baseball bat.

         12) Try not to let the aforementioned alcoholic headbanger
             and his baseball bat get into arguments with other guests,
             no matter how trivial or insignificant these arguments might
             seem to be at first glance.

         13) Do not encourage those possessing baseball bats to go
             clubbing.

         14) Have someone ready to turn the electricity off at the
             fusebox to plunge the house into darkness and silence the
             moment there is any hint of the constabulary being in the
             immediate vicinity.  And hope they don't hear a hundred
             people screaming "What happened to the lights?", "I can't
             see a thing!" and "Whoever that is, get your hand off me!"

         15) Keep your pets safe out of harm's way.  They will
             probably agree with this.

         16) Purchase plenty of provisions in advance so that people
             don't have to get lost somewhere in suburbia for hours in
             search of an open bottle shop.

         17) To deal with the neighbors, either buy them a family
             pack of earplugs or invite them to get sloshed with everyone
             else.
%e
*EOA*


%t New York City, New York, USA, Earth
%n 2R8
%s New York, a lousy place to visit, but somebody has to live there.
%a Warren Kurt vonRoeschlaub  ([e-mail])
%d 19930117
%i Hell, New York City Division
%x How To Avoid Being Mugged In New York
%x Earth
%e
Almanacs list New York as the fifth largest city on Earth.  Of course, that
is only if you count Tokyo and Yokohama as one city, which isn't really fair
even if they are right across the river from each other.  So any reasonable
person would say New York was the fourth largest city on Earth.

One can separate New York into five Boroughs: Manhattan, Queens, Bronx,
Brooklyn, and Staten Island.  Each of these has its own levels of interest,
danger, and people who try to wash your car windows even if you don't want
them to because you'd just washed the car anyway.

Manhattan --

This island is the most famous part of New York.  Current theories suggest
that Manhattan is a scientific experiment to determine how long it takes for
people to turn a seven mile long island into a solid cube of buildings.  If
it were not for Central Park, this most certainly would have already
happened.

Since this is the part of New York that everybody thinks about when you say
New York, it may be where you want to stay for your trip.  It is, in some
areas, one of the safest places to be in New York.  This means it is about
as safe as sticking a lighted blowtorch in your mouth after having chugged a
few liters of 87 octane gasoline.

Queens --

This area is one of the less developed areas of New York, being only as
densely populated as Des Moines, Iowa, provided the entire population of Des
Moines lived on the same block.  Queens sits entirely on Long Island, which,
as you may have guessed, is rather long.

There is absolutely nothing worth seeing in Queens, so don't go there unless
you don't like to lie to your friends and want to tell them you spent your
vacation in Jamaica.  You can honestly say you went to Jamaica, which is on
an island and where they talk with an unusual accent, walk about in exotic
outfits, have strange hairdos, and listen to music even the most serious rug
user would not be able to write, much less enjoy.

Bronx --

The Bronx is probably the least safe place to be in New York.  It is well
known by the inhabitants that if your car is struck by another car in the
Bronx, you should never get out of the car, or even acknowledge what
happened.  This holds even if the impact was great enough to cave in the
side of your car, rupture all tires (including the spare), and sever two of
your major arteries.

A hitchhiker killed in the Bronx will be referred to, by police, as a
suicide victim.  This is one of the more sure ways of committing suicide,
only surpassed in sureness by stripping down to your underwear and climbing
inside the reactor at Three Mile Island.  And even that is not as quick.

Brooklyn --

Brooklyn is most famous for its many bridge salesmen.  This should be a
definite stop on any sightseeing tour.  To fit in better with the local
population, you may wish to speak like them.  One of the simplest ways to
speak with a Brooklyn accent is to put a bag of marbles in your mouth and
gargle Drain-O for ten minutes.

If you go to Brooklyn, purchase a map first.  Manhattan is easy to navigate
since most of the streets are in a grid.  Queens is a little more confusing
because it uses street names instead of numbers.  Brooklyn, on the other
hand, is yet another example of how severe drug use can effect the city
planning council.

If you should enter Brooklyn without a map, don't bother asking the people
you see on the street.  Chances are they are just as lost.

Staten Island --

This island has expended considerable energy in an attempt to sever
themselves from New York, and who can blame them.  The only reason they have
been unable to do so is that the public realizes the only other option is to
be a part of New Jersey.

To get to Staten Island one must either take the Verrazano Narrows Bridge or
the Staten Island ferry.  As the bridge tolls require a small bank loan and
your first-born child, the ferry may be a better choice for the cost-
conscious hitchhiker.  This ferry can provide hours of entertainment,
provided you prefer slasher movies.

Where to stay:

Considering the overall costs, you have several options:

         1) Find a warm grating.  This is a rather popular choice.
            It became so popular in the past few years that the New
            York City planning commission has installed many new
            grates.  While these grates provide an absolute boon for
            you and ten thousand of your fellow bunkmates, they also
            provide a rather serious hazard to any female hitchhikers
            who like to wear high-heels.  You may be worried that the
            people near you on the grate are criminals.  This is not
            true.  Careful research by the city has shown that most of
            them were just thrown out of mental asylums.

         2) Sleep in your van or car.  This option is quite expensive,
            as parking in New York costs as much as a small villa in the
            rustic portion of many European countries.  This is also
            somewhat more dangerous than strapping yourself to meat and
            falling into a pit-bull kennel.  In most cities you would
            not expect your hubcaps to remain after a night on the street,
            but in New York, be surprised if the frame is still there in
            the morning.

         3) Rent an inexpensive hotel.  The hotels in this category
            can easily be located: just look for any building with the
            sign "low hourly rates" outside.  Many people refuse to try
            these places because they feel they are cockroach-infested
            piles of safety and health violations.  Nothing could be
            further from the truth.  No self-respecting cockroach would
            be caught dead in a place like that, and safety and health
            inspectors never check them, so how could they possibly be
            in violation?

         4) Go to the Ritz.  Considering the extreme costs involved, I
            recommend the following methods of getting a room.  Hang out
            in the hallway until some guests leave their room, then sneak
            in and get some sleep before they come back from a night of
            partying.  Borrow some mountain climbing gear, scale the
            outside of the building, and locate an unoccupied room to spend
            the night in.  Pay the manager with monopoly money, and hope he
            does not notice until morning.  In any of the above cases, if
            they catch you, act surprised, and try your best to sound as
            if you are an immigrant from an underdeveloped third-world
            country who doesn't know any better.  Or better yet, pretend
            you are from the Bronx.

Where to eat:

The answer to this is quite simple.  Do not eat food sold from carts on the
street unless you enjoy eating deceased house pets.  Do not eat at any
restaurant with a front of more the five meters unless your last name is
Kennedy or Vanderbilt.  Do not eat in any bar, unless it is prepackaged
preprocessed food with preparation instructions containing no word over two
syllables.

If you are going to eat, eat pizza.  No, don't have pizza one night and then
wonder what you will eat the rest of the time, eat only pizza.  The pizza in
New York is some of the best pizza in the world, and is one of the only safe
foods in New York unless you are a native and have built up an immunity.
The recommendation is to have pizza morning, noon, and night.

The best pizza in New York is between 70th and 80th street on the east side
of Manhattan.  This pizza is so good that many people have been known to
fall into a coma caused by continual stimulation of the pleasure center of
the brain.  In the Bronx, people are killed for drug money, but on the upper
east side people are killed for pizza money.

If you must eat something else, go to a deli.  They will charge about five
times the cost of the same food in a supermarket, but the food can be quite
good.  The best delis are ones that are halfway below ground.  If it takes
more than five steps to get down to it, back up.  If the deli is flush with
the sidewalk, have your credit card ready.

There are two kinds of delis in New York: Italian and Jewish.  If you go to
a Jewish deli, do not miss tasting the New York bagels.  These are true
bagels, well worth any cost (between fifty cents and a dollar each usually).
The bagels are so popular, you can even get them in some Chinese
restaurants.  In Italian delis the meatball hero is usually safe.  Be
prepared for the enormous amount of grease you are about to consume first,
however.

What to see:

The World Trade Center (AKA, the Twin Towers).  I highly recommend that you
not waste the time and money going here.  The money you save from the
elevator ride to the top will be enough to pay for your children's college
tuition.  There is nothing to see once you are at the top as pollution and
fog hide everything in the distance, the glass windows are always smeared
with grease from the faces of thousands of gawkers, and the observation deck
on the roof is pulled so far back from the edge that it is surprising you
can see any part of the ground at all.  The Empire State Building charges a
much more reasonable fee, and you can hang over the edge of the observation
deck if you want to (not recommended).

The Stock Market (AKA, Wall Street).  Wall Street itself is a rather boring
sight as most of the buildings are being refaced at any given time.  On the
other hand, the Stock Market can provide hours of entertainment.  Watching
traders wade through knee deep piles of paper, barging through densely
packed crowds, and occasionally collapsing due to a missed appointment for a
coronary bypass can be fun and enlightening.  Few people really know how
many times a person must be trodden on before they suffer internal damage
until they watch the Stock Market for a few hours.

The Federal Reserve (AKA, the Fed).  While Fort Knox contains the United
States gold reserve, the Fed contains the gold of other countries.  When a
country sells arms to another country, the money transfer is usually made by
moving gold from one bin in the Fed to another.  There are several guided
tours that will take you to see the bins of gold bricks for yourself.  As a
joke, you may want to try slipping a gold painted brick into one of the
bins. Just imagine the look on the face of the French ambassador when he
tries to explain that one.

The Statue of Liberty.  If you wish to go to the top of the Statue of
Liberty, I suggest the following plan.  As the ferry pulls up to the island,
leap across the gap before it pulls in, and run to the statue.  Take the
stairs to the top of the pedestal (the elevators take too long) and run up
the spiral staircase to the head.  You will have about three seconds of
viewing time before eight million people show up and form a line.  Note that
even this will not work if it is a busy day.  Be careful of the guy at the
ferry station who will squash your pennies in a printing press for money.

The Museum of Natural History.  A good place to go if you like to see a
great deal of stuffed animals.  If you don't, there is still the dinosaur
room.

Hayden Planetarium.  This place, in itself, is not particularly exciting.
However, there is a wonderful store just two blocks north of it called the
bone shop.  If you were visiting the Museum of Natural History and wished
you could fill your house with stuffed endangered species and carefully
reassembled skeletons, then this is a place to visit.  For reasonable prices
you can buy insects trapped in amber, eggs of birds ranging from sparrow to
ostrich, stuffed animals (including a Dodo Bird), and skeletons.  They
even sell human skulls.

The Museum of Modern Art.  This museum is rather large; do not be surprised
if you end up wandering about for several days.  Because of its popularity,
all signs appear in several languages.  Unfortunately English is not one of
them.

The Bronx Zoo.  If you hitchhike to the Bronx Zoo, make sure the car you get
in is going all the way there.  Never should you ever let a driver drop you
off in the Bronx itself.  If this situation arises, ride with the driver to
his or her destination, even if it is Chicago.  Do not visit the zoo between
November and March unless you are a cage salesman and want to examine some
of the samples at the zoo.  Do not visit between March and June unless you
want to see what it feels like to live in Hong Kong.

Where to shop:

Avoid all stores that say they are going out of business.  These stores will
probably outlast your grandchildren, and then some.  If, for any reason, you
feel morally obligated not to purchase stolen goods, avoid all people
selling things on the street for 75% of their cost.  Please note that all
items sold in the street for 50% or less of their usual cost are probably
not stolen, but were found in a dumpster behind a store, thrown out because
they were faulty and had already claimed the lives of at least four
families.  If you are a real thrill seeker, try this out.

Do not go to the back of any shop narrower than a really fat guy, otherwise
you might as well hand your wallet to the nearest thief and save yourself
the trouble.  If you are shopping at a food stand, don't buy anything out
front if there is also some inside the store.

The best stores are on the west side of Manhattan, between 50th and 85th
street.  For the stores in this area, the best ones are the shallowest.  If
a store is less than four meters deep it is most likely a fantastic store.
If it is ten meters deep it is an okay store, and if it is thirty meters
deep avoid it like the plague.  Reverse these rules elsewhere in New York.

Another good place to shop is in the lower section of Manhattan where the
streets are still numbered, but using numbers between 14 and 20.  The ones
in the vicinity of Broadway tend to be especially good.  Books are probably
the most popular item in the area.

Getting around:

Unless you are Rambo or Bruce Lee, it is highly recommended you avoid the
subway.  If you insist on the "New York experience" and decide to take the
subway, avoid the upper half of the blue and green lines, and the entire L
line, which is buried so deep that they had to get a variance from Satan to
build it.  Whatever you do, do not give a subway musician more than $1
unless you would like to spend the rest of your visit surrounded by out of
work accordion players.

Taxi cabs are often a good choice for trips that are too far to walk or pass
through bad areas (which is most of New York).  Despite rumors, taxis are
not expensive, and are often very quick.  The taxi driver will not bother
you with long winded conversations about the benefits of certain hemorrhoid
creams, mainly because there is little or no chance that you both happen to
speak the same language.  Tip the taxi driver at least 10% or the cab may
pull away before you are completely out of it.  Do not tip the taxi driver
more than 20% or he will follow you around all day.

Buses are usually a good intermediate choice.  They tend to be rather safe,
and cost only as much as the subway.  The main problem is twofold; if you
don't know exactly where the bus is, they will not tell you.  There are no
signs, messages, or announcements telling you where you are, so memorize the
bus route map while waiting for it to arrive.  The buses usually run north-
south or east-west, and unless there is an amazing coincidence, you will
inevitably need to transfer.  Even if you don't think you will transfer,
take a transfer slip anyway; you can always hock it to somebody.
%e
*EOA*


%t How To Avoid Being Mugged In New York
%n 2R9
%s Hints to help you keep what little you have
%a Warren Kurt vonRoeschlaub  ([e-mail])
%d 19930117
%i Mugged, How To Avoid Being
%x New York City, New York, USA, Earth
%e
After years of study, sociologists have determined that the two biggest
causes of muggings in New York are muggers and tourists.  Since you will be
unable to affect the first (indeed, even the local police have given up on
that endeavor), the second option is the only factor that you can alter to
reduce the chances of being mugged.

Since the second big factor in muggings is tourists, and because if you are
not a native to New York, then you are by definition a tourist; the easiest
way to avoid being mugged in New York is to not go there.  If you insist on
visiting, the second best way is to act like a native New Yorker.  This
involves keeping the following principals in mind.

         1) Dress like a native.  This means no funny hats, no
            matter how hard a member of your group may whine and
            call you a party pooper.  It is also extremely foolish
            to where brightly colored shirts, shorts no matter how
            hot it is, or those really big joke sunglasses they
            sell on practically every street corner.

         2) Don't gawk.  New York invites itself to gawking, either
            at the tall buildings, the strange looking people, or
            the unusual street displays.  Not to mention the guy
            standing in the middle of Park Avenue during rush hour
            urinating on a parked Mercedes.  Don't stare.  The
            native New Yorker has grown so accustomed to the
            unusual that they think David Lynch isn't very creative
            and Salvador Dali was a realist.  Never act surprised,
            even if a man who obviously hasn't had a bath since the
            Nixon administration tries to attract your attention by
            dropping his pants and singing "Born Free" in falsetto.

         3) Never, ever, go into an alley without a fully loaded
            M16 and at least two hand grenades at the ready.  Even
            then you may be out armed.

         4) When on a street, never buy anything for less than half of
            what it would cost in a store, because this may just be an
            attempt to get you to pull out your wallet.  If you do take
            your wallet out of your pocket or purse on the street, be
            sure you have at least two friends to block anybody running by.

         5) Never enter a park without an armed escort, and even
            then not after dark.  Note that some parks are only
            three or four square meters; this does not make them
            safer.  Remarkably, Central Park is an exception to
            this.  Despite its reputation, Central Park is one of
            the safest parks to visit during the day.  The safest
            safe place is the southernmost four blocks.

         6) Don't enter any portion of the subway without at least
            two people who obviously don't know each other already
            in it.  A careful study has shown that the safety of
            entering an empty part of the subway alone is somewhere
            between ramming a poker through your skull and eating a
            plate of ground glass for breakfast.

Parts of the city to avoid:

         - All of it.

         - Any part of Manhattan above 110th street, or above 90th
           street after dark.  This area is commonly known as the
           death zone.

         - Any part of the Bronx south of Maine.  Not the street,
           the state.

         - Queens, near the airport, and along the river.  Also any
           area where the number of burnt out buildings is larger
           than the number of people on the street.  That is to
           say almost the whole of Queens.

         - Staten Island, anywhere near the ferry landings or on
           the edge of a freeway that runs through a ditch.  Most
           of the freeways on Staten Island do.

         - Brooklyn, everywhere if you are in a car.  If you are not
           in a car, the waterfront and airport areas are good places
           to avoid.

What to do if you are being mugged:

Do not shout "Help, police!" as studies have shown this causes police to
flee from you while at the same time attracting even more muggers.  If you
want the mugger to be stopped shout "Hey, this guy is giving away free
money!"

If you know martial arts, don't use them.  Nine times out of ten a guy with
a gun beats a martial arts expert, regardless of what you have seen in the
latest Chuck Norris picture.

If someone in a car grabs your bag, let go.  Each year three people are
killed in drive-by bag snatchings.  This is mainly because there are only
about three people born each year stupid enough to hold onto their bag while
they are being dragged around the streets of New York.  If you wear a purse,
do not wrap it around your neck thinking it will be harder to steal, or you
will be person number four.

Do not put your wallet in your back pocket.  Besides it being easier to
steal, any chiropractor will tell you that it ruins your posture.  It isn't
very good for your pants either, so keep your wallet in your front pocket.

Common mugging methods:

A pickpocket never works alone; there are always at least three people: a
blocker, a snatcher, and a shill.  The blocker forces you to stand still
long enough for the snatcher to grab your wallet and then pass it off to the
shill in case you notice it is missing.  If a person blocks your way, and
pretends to move out of the way while still blocking you, there is a very
high probability your wallet is being snatched.  When this happens, if you
immediately turn around and physically attack the person standing directly
behind you there is a small chance you will get your wallet back, depending
on whether the wallet has been passed off or not.  This has worked at least
once in the past.

If a person, for any reason, asks you to come into an alley, do not do it.
The most common method is to suggest that you will be able to purchase a
gold necklace for under ten dollars.  It is very tempting to enter an alley
for such a good deal, but rest assured you have better chances getting a
lawyer to worry about morals than buying that necklace.  If there are less
than three armed people waiting for you in the alley then the person was
new at the job.

Do not get involved with any betting on the street.  Even if you, by some
great miracle of chance, happen to win at any of the fine sidewalk betting
tables, rest assured you will never be able to claim your winnings.  Look
about you as you walk past any of these, and note any people over two meters
tall and 120 kilos.  These people almost certainly are there to separate any
lucky fellow from the table before the winnings are claimed.

If you feel a gun barrel in your back, it is okay to relax.  Almost every
time, it turns out that this "gun barrel" is really just a short piece of
piping.  However, due to the small chance it is not a pipe it is a good idea
to hand over your wallet anyway.  New York is surpassed only by Washington
DC and Dallas for its murder rate, and Washington DC doesn't count because
that's where all the politicians are.
%e
*EOA*


*
* End of file:  REAL01.NEW
*