1=WE OUGHT NEVER DO WRONG WHEN PEOPLE ARE LOOKING.
2=LET US NOT BE TOO PARTICULAR. IT IS BETTER TO HAVE OLD SECOND-HAND DIAMONDS THAN NONE AT ALL.
3=BE CARELESS IN YOUR DRESS IF YOU MUST, BUT KEEP A TIDY SOUL.
4=MANY WHEN THEY COME TO DIE HAVE SPENT ALL THE TRUTH THAT WAS IN THEM, AND ENTER THE NEXT WORLD AS PAUPERS. I HAVE SAVED UP ENOUGH TO MAKE AN ASTONISHMENT THERE.
5=WRINKLES SHOULD MERELY INDICATE WHERE SMILES HAVE BEEN.
6=BETWEEN BELIEVING A THING AND THINKING YOU KNOW IS ONLY A SMALL STEP AND QUICKLY TAKEN.
7=IN RELIGION AND POLITICS PEOPLE'S BELIEFS AND CONVICTIONS ARE IN ALMOST EVERY CASE GOTTEN AT SECOND-HAND, AND WITHOUT EXAMINATION.
8=GET A BICYCLE. YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT. IF YOU LIVE.
9=THERE HAS ONLY BEEN ONE CHRISTIAN. THEY CAUGHT AND CRUCIFIED HIM, EARLY.
10=AN AUTHOR VALUES A COMPLIMENT EVEN WHEN IT COMES FROM A SOURCE OF DOUBTFUL COMPETENCY.
11=I TELL YOU IT IS A TALENT BY ITSELF TO PAY COMPLIMENTS GRACEFULLY AND HAVE THEM RING TRUE. IT'S AN ART BY ITSELF.
12=NONE BUT AN ASS PAYS A COMPLIMENT AND THEN ASKS A FAVOR AT THE SAME TIME. THERE ARE MANY ASSES.
13=FLEAS CAN BE TAUGHT NEARLY ANYTHING THAT A CONGRESSMAN CAN.
14=AN UNEASY CONSCIENCE IS A HAIR IN THE MOUTH.
15=IN TRUTH YOU ARE ALWAYS CONSISTENT, ALWAYS YOURSELF, ALWAYS AN ASS.
16=I DON'T MIND WHAT THE OPPOSITION SAY OF ME SO LONG AS THEY DON'T TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT ME. BUT WHEN THEY DESCEND TO TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT ME I CONSIDER THAT THIS IS TAKING AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE.
17=I THINK WE NEVER BECOME REALLY AND GENUINELY OUR ENTIRE HONEST SELVES UNTIL WE ARE DEAD, AND NOT THEN UNTIL WE HAVE BEEN DEAD YEARS AND YEARS.
18=WHEN A PERSON CANNOT DECEIVE HIMSELF THE CHANCES ARE AGAINST HIS BEING ABLE TO DECEIVE OTHER PEOPLE.
19=STRIP THE HUMAN RACE ABSOLUTELY NAKED AND IT WOULD BE A REAL DEMOCRACY.
20=TO ARRIVE AT A JUST ESTIMATE OF A RENOWNED MAN'S CHARACTER ONE MUST JUDGE IT BY THE STANDARDS OF HIS TIME, NOT OURS.
21=WE FIND NOT MUCH IN OURSELVES TO ADMIRE, WE ARE ALWAYS PRIVATELY WANTING TO BE SOMEBODY ELSE. IF EVERYBODY WAS SATISFIED WITH HIMSELF THERE WOULD BE NO HEROES.
22=A MAN ACCUSTOMED TO AMERICAN FOOD AND AMERICAN DOMESTIC COOKERY WOULD NOT STARVE TO DEATH SUDDENLY IN EUROPE; BUT I THINK HE WOULD GRADUALLY WASTE AWAY, AND EVENTUALLY DIE.
23=THE PROPER OFFICE OF A FRIEND IS TO SIDE WITH YOU WHEN YOU ARE IN THE WRONG. NEARLY ANYBODY WILL SIDE WITH YOU WHEN YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT.
24=HALF OF THE RESULTS OF A GOOD INTENTION ARE EVIL; HALF THE RESULTS OF AN EVIL INTENTION ARE GOOD.
25=WE MAY NOT DOUBT THAT SOCIETY IN HEAVEN CONSISTS MAINLY OF UNDESIRABLE PEOPLE.
26=HEAVEN FOR CLIMATE, HELL FOR SOCIETY.
27=HEROINE: GIRL WHO IS PERFECTLY CHARMING TO LIVE WITH, IN A BOOK.
28=HINDUISM: IT IS A GOOD AND GENTLE RELIGION, BUT INCONVENIENT.
29=IT IS BETTER TO DESERVE HONORS AND NOT HAVE THEM THAN TO HAVE THEM AND NOT DESERVE THEM.
30=HUMAN BEINGS SEEM TO BE A POOR INVENTION. IF THEY ARE THE NOBLEST WORKS OF GOD WHERE IS THE IGNOBLEST?
31=AGAINST THE ASSAULT OF LAUGHTER NOTHING CAN STAND.
32=EVERYTHING HUMAN IS PATHETIC. THE SECRET SOURCE OF HUMOR ITSELF IS NOT JOY BUT SORROW. THERE IS NO HUMOR IN HEAVEN.
33=THE FACT IS THAT HUMAN RACE IS NOT ONLY SLOW ABOUT BORROWING VALUABLE IDEAS, IT SOMETIMES PERSISTS IN NOT BORROWING THEM AT ALL.
34=THE IGNORANT ARE AFRAID TO BETRAY SURPRISE OR ADMIRATION ... THEY THINK IT ILL MANNERS.
35=INDIA HAS TWO MILLION GODS, AND WORSHIPS THEM ALL. IN RELIGION OTHER COUNTRIES ARE PAUPERS; INDIA IS THE ONLY MILLIONAIRE.
36=WE MUST PUT UP WITH CLOTHES AS THEY ARE. THEY HAVE THEIR REASON FOR EXISTING. THEY ARE ON US TO EXPOSE US, TO ADVERTISE WHAT WE WEAR THEM TO CONCEAL.
37=IRREVERENCE IS THE CHAMPION OF LIBERTY AND ITS ONLY SURE DEFENSE.
38=WE HAVE A CRIMINAL JURY SYSTEM WHICH IS SUPERIOR TO ANY IN THE WORLD; AND ITS EFFICIENCY IS ONLY MARRED BY THE DIFFICULTY OF FINDING TWELVE MEN EVERY DAY WHO DON'T KNOW ANYTHING AND CAN'T READ.
39=IN THIS WORLD THE REAL PENALTY, THE SHARP ONE, THE LASTING ONE, NEVER FALLS OTHERWISE THAN ON THE WRONG PERSON.
40=KINGS IS KINGS, AND YOU GOT TO MAKE ALLOWANCES. TAKE THEM ALL AROUND, THEY'RE A MIGHTY ONERY LOT. IT'S THE WAY THEY'RE RAISED.
41=YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT THE LESS I KNOW ABOUT A SUBJECT THE MORE CONFIDENCE I HAVE, AND THE MORE NEW LIGHT I THROW ON IT.
42=I HAVE TOLD HIM ALL I KNOW ABOUT IT. AND NOW HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT IT HIMSELF.
43=TO SUCCEED IN THE OTHER TRADES, CAPACITY MUST BE SHOWN; IN THE LAW, CONCEALMENT OF IT WILL DO.
44=FOR THE MAJORITY OF US, THE PAST IS A REGRET, THE FUTURE AN EXPERIMENT.
45=A MAN IS NEVER MORE TRUTHFUL THAN WHEN HE ACKNOWLEDGES HIMSELF A LIAR. I AM GLAD TO MEET YOU, SIR. WAIT A MOMENT. WHEN I SAY THAT, I AM A LIAR, TOO. AND NOW LET TWO LIARS SHAKE HANDS.
46=THE HISTORY OF OUR RACE, AND EACH INDIVIDUAL'S EXPERIENCE, ARE SOWN THICK WITH EVIDENCE THAT A TRUTH IS NOT HARD TO KILL AND THAT A LIE TOLD WELL IS IMMORTAL.
47=WHEN YOU FISH FOR LOVE, BAIT WITH YOUR HEART, NOT YOUR BRAIN.
48=SOME PEOPLE LIE WHEN THEY TELL THE TRUTH. I TELL THE TRUTH LYING.
49=OF COURSE, NO MAN IS ENTIRELY IN HIS RIGHT MIND AT ANY TIME.
50=MAN WAS MADE AT THE END OF A WEEK'S WORK, WHEN GOD WAS TIRED.
51=I WAS BORN MODEST; NOT ALL OVER, BUT IN SPOTS.
52=A MAN RECEIVES A TELEGRAM TELLING HIM THAT HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW IS DEAD AND ASKING "SHALL WE EMBALM, BURY, OR CREMATE HER?" HE WIRED BACK, "IF THESE FAIL, TRY DISSECTION."
53=THE TROUBLE IS THAT THE STUPID PEOPLE, WHO CONSTITUTE THE GRAND OVERWHELMING MAJORITY OF THIS AND ALL OTHER NATIONS, DO BELIEVE AND ARE MOLDED AND CONVINCED BY WHAT THEY GET OUT OF A NEWSPAPER.
54=YOU NEEDN'T THINK THOSE GRAY HAIRS ARE ANY SIGN OF WISDOM; IT'S ONLY A SIGN THAT YOUR SYSTEM LACKS IRON. I ADVISE YOU TO GO HOME AND SWALLOW A CROWBAR.
55=LET YOUR SECRET SYMPATHIES AND YOUR COMPASSION BE ALWAYS WITH THE UNDER DOG IN THE FIGHT -- THIS IS MAGNANIMITY; BUT BET ON THE OTHER ONE -- THIS IS BUSINESS.
56=THERE IS A GREAT DEAL OF HUMAN NATURE IN PEOPLE.
57=THE MAN WHO IS A PESSIMIST BEFORE 48 KNOWS TOO MUCH; IF HE IS AN OPTIMIST AFTER IT, HE KNOWS TOO LITTLE.
58=PRINCIPLES HAVE NO REAL FORCE EXCEPT WHEN ONE IS WELL FED.
59=IN CERTAIN TRYING CIRCUMSTANCES, URGENT CIRCUMSTANCES, DESPERATE CIRCUMSTANCES, PROFANITY FURNISHES A RELIEF DENIED EVEN TO PRAYER.
60=WHAT A LIE IT IS TO CALL THIS A FREE COUNTRY, WHERE NONE BUT THE UNWORTHY AND UNDESERVING MAY SWEAR.
61=PROPHECY: TWO BULL'S EYES OUT OF A POSSIBLE MILLION.
62=THE RADICAL OF ONE CENTURY IS THE CONSERVATIVE OF THE NEXT. THE RADICAL INVENTS THE VIEWS. WHEN HE HAS WORN THEM OUT THE CONSERVATIVE ADOPTS THEM.
63=MAN IS THE REASONING ANIMAL. SUCH IS THE CLAIM. I THINK IT IS OPEN TO DISPUTE.
64=REFORM: THAT DESIRE WHICH IS IN US ALL TO BETTER OTHER PEOPLE'S CONDITION BY HAVING THEM THINK AS WE THINK.
65=RELIGION CONSISTS IN A SET OF THINGS WHICH THE AVERAGE MAN THINKS HE BELIEVES, AND WISHES HE WAS CERTAIN.
66=REPARTEE IS SOMETHING WE THINK OF TWENTY-FOUR HOURS TOO LATE.
67=SCIENTISTS HAVE ODIOUS MANNERS, EXCEPT WHEN YOU PROP UP THEIR THEORY; THEN YOU CAN BORROW MONEY FROM THEM.
68=FEW SINNERS ARE SAVED AFTER THE FIRST TWENTY MINUTES OF A SERMON.
69=LINCOLN'S PROCLAMATION ... NOT ONLY SET THE BLACK SLAVES FREE, BUT SET THE WHITE MAN FREE ALSO.
70=I HAVE SEEN SLOWER PEOPLE THAN I AM, AND MORE DELIBERATE ... AND EVEN QUIETER, AND MORE LISTLESS, AND LAZIER PEOPLE THAN I AM. BUT THEY WERE DEAD.
71=I HAVE MADE IT A RULE NEVER TO SMOKE MORE THAN ONE CIGAR AT A TIME.
72=THE RIGHT WORD MAY BE EFFECTIVE, BUT NO WORD WAS EVER AS EFFECTIVE AS A RIGHTLY TIMED PAUSE.
73=I HAVE BEEN CAUTIONED TO TALK BUT BE CAREFUL NOT TO SAY ANYTHING. I DO NOT CONSIDER THIS A DIFFICULT TASK.
74=IF WE HAD LESS STATESMANSHIP, WE WOULD GET ALONG WITH FEWER BATTLESHIPS.
75=I LIKE A GOOD STORY WELL TOLD. THAT IS THE REASON I AM SOMETIMES FORCED TO TELL THEM MYSELF.
76=ALL YOU NEED IN THIS LIFE IS IGNORANCE AND CONFIDENCE, AND THEN SUCCESS IS SURE.
77=WHEN THE HUMAN RACE HAS ONCE ACQUIRED A SUPERSTITION NOTHING SHORT OF DEATH IS EVER LIKELY TO REMOVE IT.
78=THE IDEA THAT NO GENTLEMAN EVER SWEARS IS ALL WRONG. HE CAN SWEAR AND STILL BE A GENTLEMAN IF HE DOES IT IN A NICE AND BENEVOLENT AND AFFECTIONATE WAY.
79=I CANNOT SWEAR IN HEAVEN AND I SHALL NOT STAY THERE.
80=I CANNOT KEEP FROM TALKING, EVEN AT THE RISK OF BEING INSTRUCTIVE.
81=I LIKE TO INSTRUCT PEOPLE. IT'S NOBLE TO TEACH ONESELF. IT IS STILL NOBLER TO TEACH OTHERS, AND LESS TROUBLE.
82=IT TAKES ME A LONG TIME TO LOSE MY TEMPER, BUT ONCE LOST I COULD NOT FIND IT WITH A DOG.
83=THE GENTLE READER WILL NEVER, NEVER KNOW WHAT A CONSUMMATE ASS HE CAN BECOME UNTIL HE GOES ABROAD.
84=MY OWN LUCK HAS BEEN CURIOUS ALL MY LITERARY LIFE; I NEVER COULD TELL A LIE ANYONE WOULD DOUBT, NOR A TRUTH THAT ANYBODY WOULD BELIEVE.
85=AN INJURIOUS TRUTH HAS NO MERIT OVER AN INJURIOUS LIE. NEITHER SHOULD EVER BE UTTERED.
86=TRUTH IS THE MOST VALUABLE THING WE HAVE. LET US ECONOMIZE IT.
87=IN GOD WE TRUST. I DON'T BELIEVE IT WOULD SOUND ANY BETTER IF IT WERE TRUE.
88=TRUTH IS MIGHTY AND WILL PREVAIL. THERE IS NOTHING THE MATTER WITH THIS, EXCEPT THAT IT AIN'T SO.
89=THERE ARE NO GRADES OF VANITY, THERE ARE ONLY GRADES OF ABILITY IN CONCEALING IT.
90=THE WEAKEST OF ALL WEAK THINGS IS A VIRTUE THAT HAS NOT BEEN TESTED IN THE FIRE.
91=WAR: A WANTON WASTE OF PROJECTILES.
92=THE EMPEROR SENT HIS TROOPS TO THE FIELD WITH IMMENSE ENTHUSIASM. HE WILL LEAD THEM IN PERSON WHEN THEY RETURN.
93=HE WAS IGNORANT OF THE COMMONEST ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF YOUTH. HE COULD NOT EVEN LIE.
94=WIT IS THE SUDDEN MARRIAGE OF IDEAS WHICH, BEFORE THEIR UNION, WERE NOT PERCEIVED TO HAVE ANY RELATION.
95=WHAT, SIR, WOULD THE PEOPLE OF THE EARTH BE WITHOUT WOMEN? THEY WOULD BE SCARCE, SIR, ALMIGHTY SCARCE.
96=NO CIVILIZATION CAN BE PERFECT UNTIL EXACT EQUALITY BETWEEN MAN AND WOMAN IS INCLUDED.
97=INTELLECTUAL "WORK" IS MISNAMED; IT IS A PLEASURE, A DISSIPATION, AND IS ITS OWN HIGHEST REWARD.
98=THE LAW OF WORK DOES SEEM UTTERLY UNFAIR, BUT THERE IT IS; THE HIGHER THE PAY IN ENJOYMENT THE WORKER GETS OUT OF IT, THE HIGHER SHALL BE HIS PAY IN CASH, ALSO.
99=THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE RIGHT WORD AND THE WRONG WORD IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIGHTNING AND LIGHTNING BUG.
100=I NEVER WRITE "METROPOLIS" FOR SEVEN CENTS BECAUSE I CAN GET THE SAME PRICE FOR "CITY". I NEVER WRITE "POLICEMAN" BECAUSE I CAN GET THE SAME MONEY FOR "COP".
[Ambrose Bierce II]
Number=100
1=ABRUPT: SUDDEN, WITHOUT CEREMONY, LIKE THE ARRIVAL OF A CANNON SHOT AND THE DEPARTURE OF THE SOLDIER WHOSE INTERESTS ARE MOST AFFECTED BY IT.
2=ACCORDION: AN INSTRUMENT OF HARMONY WITH THE SENTIMENTS OF AN ASSASSIN.
3=ADMIRATION: OUR POLITE RECOGNITION OF ANOTHER'S RESEMBLANCE TO OURSELVES.
4=BACKBITE: TO SPEAK OF A MAN AS YOU FIND HIM WHEN HE CAN'T FIND YOU.
5=EDUCATION: THAT WHICH DISCLOSES TO THE WISE AND DISGUISES FROM THE FOOLISH THEIR LACK OF UNDERSTANDING.
6=BEG: TO ASK FOR SOMETHING WITH AN EARNESTNESS PROPORTIONED TO THE BELIEF THAT IT WILL NOT BE GIVEN.
7=BRAIN: AN APPARATUS WITH WHICH WE THINK WE THINK.
8=CABBAGE: A FAMILIAR KITCHEN-GARDEN VEGETABLE ABOUT AS LARGE AND WISE AS A MAN'S HEAD.
9=CALAMITY: A MORE THAN COMMONLY PLAIN AND UNMISTAKABLE REMINDER THAT THE AFFAIRS OF THIS LIFE ARE NOT OF OUR OWN ORDERING. CALAMITIES ARE OF TWO KINDS: MISFORTUNE TO OURSELVES, AND GOOD FORTUNE TO OTHERS.
10=ELECTRICITY: THE POWER THAT CAUSES ALL NATURAL PHENOMENA NOT KNOWN TO BE CAUSED BY SOMETHING ELSE.
11=ENVELOPE: THE COFFIN OF A DOCUMENT; THE SCABBARD OF A BILL; THE HUSK OF A REMITTANCE; THE BED-GOWN OF A LOVE LETTER.
12=COMMENDATION: THE TRIBUTE WE PAY TO ACHIEVEMENTS THAT RESEMBLE, BUT DO NOT EQUAL, OUR OWN.
13=CRAYFISH: A SMALL CRUSTACEAN VERY MUCH RESEMBLING THE LOBSTER, BUT LESS INDIGESTIBLE.
14=DECIDE: TO SUCCUMB TO THE PREPONDERANCE OF ONE SET OF INFLUENCES OVER ANOTHER SET.
15=EAT: TO PERFORM SUCCESSIVELY (AND SUCCESSFULLY) THE FUNCTIONS OF MASTICATION, HUMECTATION, AND DEGLUTITION.
16=EPITAPH: AN INSCRIPTION ON A TOMB, SHOWING THAT VIRTUES ACQUIRED BY DEATH HAVE A RETROACTIVE EFFECT.
17=EVANGELIST: A BEARER OF GOOD THINGS, PARTICULARLY SUCH AS ASSURE US OF OUR OWN SALVATION AND THE DAMNATION OF OUR NEIGHBORS.
18=EXPERIENCE: THE WISDOM THAT ENABLES US TO RECOGNIZE AS AN UNDESIRABLE OLD ACQUAINTANCE THE FOLLY THAT WE HAVE ALREADY EMBRACED.
19=FIDELITY: A VIRTUE PECULIAR TO THOSE WHO ARE ABOUT TO BE BETRAYED.
20=GALLOWS: A STAGE FOR THE PERFORMANCE OF MIRACLE PLAYS, IN WHICH THE LEADING ACTOR IS TRANSLATED TO HEAVEN. IN THIS COUNTRY THE GALLOWS IS CHIEFLY REMARKABLE FOR THE NUMBER OF PERSONS WHO ESCAPE IT.
21=GARTER: AN ELASTIC BAND INTENDED TO KEEP A WOMAN FROM COMING OUT OF HER STOCKING AND DESOLATING THE COUNTRY.
22=GRAVE: A PLACE IN WHICH THE DEAD ARE LAID TO AWAIT THE COMING OF THE MEDICAL STUDENT.
23=GUNPOWDER: AN AGENCY EMPLOYED BY CIVILIZED NATIONS FOR THE SETTLEMENT OF DISPUTES WHICH MIGHT BECOME TROUBLESOME IF LEFT UNADJUSTED.
24=HAND: A SINGULAR INSTRUMENT WORN AT THE END OF A HUMAN ARM AND COMMONLY THRUST INTO SOMEBODY'S POCKET.
25=HANDKERCHIEF: A SMALL SQUARE OF SILK OR LINEN, ESPECIALLY SERVICEABLE AT FUNERALS TO CONCEAL THE LACK OF TEARS.
26=HOMICIDE: THE SLAYING OF ONE HUMAN BEING BY ANOTHER. THERE ARE FOUR KINDS OF HOMICIDE, BUT IT MAKES NO GREAT DIFFERENCE TO THE PERSON SLAIN. THE CLASSIFICATION IS FOR THE ADVANTAGE OF LAWYERS.
27=INK: A VILLAINOUS COMPOUND OF TANNO-GALLATE OF IRON, GUM ARABIC AND WATER, CHIEFLY USED TO FACILITATE THE INFECTION OF IDIOCY AND PROMOTE INTELLECTUAL CRIME.
28=INSURRECTION: AN UNSUCCESSFUL REVOLUTION. DISAFFECTION'S FAILURE TO SUBSTITUTE MISRULE FOR BAD GOVERNMENT.
29=INVENTOR: A PERSON WHO MAKES AN INGENIOUS ARRANGEMENT OF WHEELS, LEVERS AND SPRINGS, AND BELIEVES IT CIVILIZATION.
30=JEALOUS: UNDULY CONCERNED ABOUT THE PRESERVATION OF THAT WHICH CAN BE LOST ONLY IF NOT WORTH KEEPING.
31=LANGUAGE: THE MUSIC WITH WHICH WE CHARM THE SERPENTS GUARDING ANOTHER'S TREASURE.
32=LAP: ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT ORGANS OF THE FEMALE SYSTEM. AN ADMIRABLE REPOSE OF INFANCY, BUT CHIEFLY USEFUL IN RURAL FESTIVITIES TO SUPPORT PLATES OF COLD CHICKEN AND HEADS OF ADULT MALES.
33=LAWFUL: COMPATIBLE WITH THE WILL OF THE JUDGE HAVING JURISDICTION.
34=LAWYER: ONE SKILLED IN CIRCUMVENTION OF THE LAW.
35=LEAD: A HEAVY BLUE-GRAY METAL MUCH USED IN GIVING STABILITY TO LIGHT LOVERS, PARTICULARLY TO THOSE WHO LOVE NOT WISELY BUT OTHER MEN'S WIVES.
36=LEARNING: THE KIND OF IGNORANCE DISTINGUISHING THE STUDIOUS.
37=LECTURER: ONE WITH HIS HAND IN YOUR POCKET, HIS TONGUE IN YOUR EAR AND HIS FAITH IN YOU PATIENCE.
38=LEVIATHAN: AN ENORMOUS AQUATIC ANIMAL MENTIONED BY JOB. SOME SUPPOSE IT TO HAVE BEEN A WHALE, BUT THAT DISTINGUISHED ICHTHYOLOGER, DR. JORDAN, MAINTAINS THAT IT WAS A SPECIES OF GIGANTIC TADPOLE.
39=LIBERTY: ONE OF IMAGINATION'S MOST PRECIOUS POSSESSIONS.
40=LITIGANT: A PERSON ABOUT TO GIVE UP HIS SKIN FOR THE HOPE OF RETAINING HIS BONES.
41=LOCK-AND-KEY: THE DISTINGUISHING DEVICE OF CIVILIZATION AND ENLIGHTENMENT.
42=LOQUACITY: A DISORDER WHICH RENDERS THE SUFFERER UNABLE TO CURB HIS TONGUE WHEN YOU WISH TO TALK.
43=LOSS: THE PRIVATION OF THAT WHICH WE HAD, OR HAD NOT. THUS, IN THE LATTER SENSE, IT IS SAID OF A DEFEATED CANDIDATE THAT HE "LOST THE ELECTION", AND OF THE POET GUILDER THAT HE "LOST HIS MIND."
44=HEMP: A PLANT FROM WHOSE FIBROUS BARK IS MADE AN ARTICLE OF NECKWEAR WHICH IS FREQUENTLY PUT ON AFTER PUBLIC SPEAKING IN THE OPEN AIR AND PREVENTS THE WEARER FROM TAKING COLD.
45=MACE: A STAFF OF OFFICE SIGNIFYING AUTHORITY. IT'S FORM, THAT OF A HEAVY CLUB, INDICATES ITS ORIGINAL PURPOSE AND USE IN DISSUADING FROM DISSENT.
46=MAGIC: THE ART OF CONVERTING SUPERSTITION INTO COIN.
47=MAGNET: SOMETHING ACTED UPON BY MAGNETISM.
48=MAGPIE: A BIRD WHOSE THIEVISH DISPOSITION SUGGESTED TO SOME THAT IT MIGHT BE TAUGHT TO TALK.
49=MANNA: A FOOD MIRACULOUSLY GIVEN TO THE ISRAELITES IN THE WILDERNESS. WHEN IT WAS NO LONGER SUPPLIED, THEY SETTLED DOWN AND TILLED THE SOIL, FERTILIZING IT WITH THE BODIES OF THE ORIGINAL OCCUPANTS.
50=MATERIAL: HAVING AN ACTUAL EXISTENCE, AS DISTINGUISHED FROM AN IMAGINARY ONE.
51=MAUSOLEUM: THE FINAL AND FUNNIEST FOLLY OF THE RICH.
52=ME: THE OBJECTIONABLE CASE OF I. THE PERSONAL PRONOUN IN ENGLISH HAS THREE CASES: THE DOMINATIVE, THE OBJECTIONABLE AND THE OPPRESSIVE. EACH IS ALL THREE.
53=MAYONNAISE: ONE OF THE SAUCES WHICH SERVE THE FRENCH IN PLACE OF A STATE RELIGION.
54=MEEKNESS: UNCOMMON PATIENCE IN PLANNING REVENGE THAT IS WORTH WHILE.
55=MESMERISM: HYPNOTISM BEFORE IT WORE GOOD CLOTHES, KEPT A CARRIAGE AND ASKED INCREDULITY TO DINNER.
56=MINE: BELONGING TO ME IF I CAN HOLD OR SEIZE IT.
57=MIRACLE: AN ACT OR EVENT OUT OF THE ORDER OF NATURE AND UNACCOUNTABLE, AS BEATING A NORMAL HAND OF FOUR KINGS AND AN ACE WITH FOUR ACES AND A KING.
58=MISDEMEANOR: AN INFRACTION OF THE LAW HAVING LESS DIGNITY THAN A FELONY AND CONSTITUTING NO CLAIM TO ADMITTANCE INTO THE BEST CRIMINAL SOCIETY.
59=MISFORTUNE: THE KIND OF FORTUNE THAT NEVER MISSES.
60=MONDAY: IN CHRISTIAN COUNTRIES, THE DAY AFTER THE BASEBALL GAME.
61=MONSIGNOR: A HIGH ECCLESIASTICAL TITLE, OF WHICH THE FOUNDER OF OUR RELIGION OVERLOOKED THE ADVANTAGES.
62=MORAL: CONFORMING TO A LOCAL AND MUTABLE STANDARD OF RIGHT. HAVING THE QUALITY OF GENERAL EXPEDIENCY.
63=MORE: THE COMPARATIVE DEGREE OF TOO MUCH.
64=MOUSE: AN ANIMAL WHICH STREWS ITS PATH WITH FAINTING WOMEN.
65=MOUTH: IN MAN, THE GATEWAY TO THE SOUL; IN WOMAN, THE OUTLET OF THE HEART.
66=MUSTANG: AN INDOCILE HORSE OF THE WESTERN PLAINS. IN ENGLISH SOCIETY, THE AMERICAN WIFE OF AN ENGLISH NOBLEMAN.
67=MYTHOLOGY: THE BODY OF A PRIMITIVE PEOPLE'S BELIEFS CONCERNING ITS ORIGIN, EARLY HISTORY, HEROES, DEITIES AND SO FORTH, AS DISTINGUISHED FROM THE TRUE ACCOUNTS WHICH IT INVENTS LATER.
68=NEPOTISM: APPOINTING YOUR GRANDMOTHER TO OFFICE FOR THE GOOD OF THE PARTY.
69=NEWTONIAN: PERTAINING TO PHILOSOPHY OF THE UNIVERSE, INVENTED BY NEWTON, WHO DISCOVERED THAT AN APPLE WILL FALL TO THE GROUND, BUT WAS UNABLE TO SAY WHY.
70=NOISE: A STENCH OF THE EAR. UNDOMESTICATED MUSIC. THE CHIEF PRODUCT AND AUTHENTICATING SIGN OF CIVILIZATION.
71=OATH: IN LAW, A SOLEMN APPEAL TO THE DEITY, MADE BINDING UPON THE CONSCIENCE BY A PENALTY OF PERJURY.
72=OBLIVION: THE STATE OR CONDITION IN WHICH THE WICKED CEASE FROM STRUGGLING AND THE DREARY ARE AT REST. FAME'S ETERNAL DUMPING GROUND. COLD STORAGE FOR HIGH HOPES. A DORMITORY WITHOUT AN ALARM CLOCK.
73=OBSERVATORY: A PLACE WHERE ASTRONOMERS CONJECTURE AWAY THE GUESSES OF THEIR PREDECESSORS.
74=OBSTINATE: INACCESSIBLE TO THE TRUTH AS IT IS MANIFEST IN THE SPLENDOR AND STRESS OF OUR ADVOCACY.
75=OFFENSIVE: GENERATING DISAGREEABLE EMOTIONS OR SENSATIONS, AS THE ADVANCE OF AN ARMY AGAINST ITS ENEMY.
76=OMEN: A SIGN THAT SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN IF NOTHING HAPPENS.
77=OPIATE: AN UNLOCKED DOOR IN THE PRISON OF IDENTITY. IT LEADS INTO THE JAIL YARD.
78=OPPORTUNITY: A FAVORABLE OCCASION FOR GRASPING A DISAPPOINTMENT.
79=OPTIMIST: A PROPONENT OF THE DOCTRINE THAT BLACK IS WHITE.
80=ORATORY: A CONSPIRACY BETWEEN SPEECH AND ACTION TO CHEAT THE UNDERSTANDING. A TYRANNY TEMPERED BY STENOGRAPHY.
81=ORPHAN: A LIVING PERSON WHOM DEATH HAS DEPRIVED OF THE POWER OF FILIAL INGRATITUDE.
82=ORTHODOX: AN OX WEARING THE POPULAR RELIGIOUS YOKE.
83=OVERWORK: A DANGEROUS DISORDER AFFECTING HIGH PUBLIC FUNCTIONARIES WHO WANT TO GO FISHING.
84=PALACE: A FINE AND COSTLY RESIDENCE. THE RESIDENCE OF A HIGH DIGNITARY OF THE CHRISTIAN CHURCH IS CALLED A PALACE; THAT OF THE FOUNDER OF HIS RELIGION WAS KNOWN AS A FIELD, OR WAYSIDE. THERE IS PROGRESS.
85=PALM: A SPECIES OF TREE WHICH EXUDES A KIND OF INVISIBLE GUM, WHICH MAY BE DETECTED BY APPLYING TO THE BARK A PIECE OF GOLD OR SILVER.
86=PALMISTY: "READING CHARACTER" IN THE WRINKLES OF THE HAND. THE PRETENSE IS NOT ALTOGETHER FALSE; THE WRINKLES IN EVERY HAND SUBMITTED SPELL THE WORD "DUPE". THE IMPOSTURE IS IN NOT READING IT ALOUD.
87=PANDEMONIUM: LITERALLY, THE PLACE OF ALL DEMONS. MOST OF THEM HAVE ESCAPED INTO POLITICS AND FINANCE, AND THE PLACE IS NOW USED AS A LECTURE HALL.
88=PANTOMIME: A PLAY IN WHICH THE STORY IS TOLD WITHOUT VIOLENCE TO THE LANGUAGE. THE LEAST DISAGREEABLE FORM OF DRAMATIC ACTION.
89=PASTIME: A DEVICE FOR PROMOTING DEJECTION. GENTLE EXERCISE FOR INTELLECTUAL DEBILITY.
90=PATIENCE: A MINOR FORM OF DESPAIR, DISGUISED AS VIRTUE.
91=PHILANTHROPIST: A RICH OLD GENTLEMAN WHO HAS TRAINED HIMSELF TO GRIN WHILE HIS CONSCIENCE IS PICKING HIS POCKET.
92=PHONOGRAPH: AN IRRITATING TOY THAT RESTORES LIFE TO DEAD NOISES.
93=PIANO: A PARLOR UTENSIL FOR SUBDUING THE IMPENITENT VISITOR. IT IS OPERATED BY DEPRESSING THE KEYS OF THE MACHINE AND THE SPIRITS OF THE AUDIENCE.
94=PIGMY: ONE OF A TRIBE OF VERY SMALL MEN FOUND BY ANCIENT TRAVELERS. THE PIGMIES ARE SO CALLED TO DISTINGUISH THEM FROM THE BULKIER CAUCASIANS, WHO ARE HOGMIES.
95=QUEEN: A WOMAN BY WHOM THE REALM IS RULED WHEN THERE IS A KING, AND THROUGH WHOM IT IS RULED WHEN THERE IS NOT.
96=QUOTATION: THE ACT OF REPEATING ERRONEOUSLY THE WORDS OF ANOTHER.
97=ROPE: AN OBSOLESCENT APPLIANCE FOR REMINDING ASSASSINS THAT THEY TOO ARE MORTAL. IT IS PLACED ABOUT THE NECK AND REMAINS IN PLACE ONE'S WHOLE LIFE LONG.
98=SAW: A TRITE POPULAR SAYING, SO CALLED BECAUSE IT MAKES ITS WAY INTO A WOODEN HEAD. A SAW WITH NEW TEETH: "WHAT IS WORTH DOING IS WORTH THE TROUBLE OF ASKING SOMEBODY TO DO IT."
99=SUCCESS: THE ONE UNPARDONABLE SIN AGAINST ONE'S FELLOWS.
100=TRUTH: AN INGENIOUS COMPOUND OF DESIRABILITY AND APPEARANCE.
[At the Movies]
Number=100
1=IT WAS BEAUTY THAT KILLED THE BEAST. -- ROBERT ARMSTRONG; "KING KONG"
2=MADNESS! MADNESS! -- JAMES MCDONALD'S LAMENT UPON SEEING THE DESTRUCTION OF LIVES CAUSED BY THE "BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI".
3=ELIZA, WHERE THE DEVIL ARE MY SLIPPERS? -- REX HARRISON TO AUDREY HEPBURN; "MY FAIR LADY"
4=MEIN FUEHRER, I CAN WALK! -- PETER SELLERS; "DR. STRANGELOVE"
5=JUST HEAD FOR THAT BIG STAR STRAIGHT ON. THE HIGHWAY'S UNDER IT. IT'LL TAKE US RIGHT HOME. -- CLARK GABLE TO MARILYN MONROE; "THE MISFITS."
6=WHAT DO WE DO NOW? -- ROBERT REDFORD, AFTER WINNING THE RACE FOR U.S. SENATOR; "THE CANDIDATE"
7=AFTER ALL, TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. -- VIVIEN LEIGH; "GONE WITH THE WIND"
8=OH, AUNTIE EM, THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME! -- JUDY GARLAND; "THE WIZARD OF OZ"
9=LOUIS, I THINK THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP. -- HUMPHREY BOGART; "CASABLANCA"
10=THROW THAT JUNK IN TOO. -- THAT JUNK WAS KANE'S SLED KNOWN AS ROSEBUD; "CITIZEN KANE"
11=WHY DON'T YOU COME UP SOMETIME AND SEE ME? -- MAE WEST; "SHE DONE HIM WRONG". (USUALLY MISQUOTED AS: COME UP AND SEE ME SOMETIME.)
12=YOU PLAYED IT FOR HER, AND YOU CAN PLAY IT FOR ME. PLAY IT. -- HUMPHREY BOGART; "CASABLANCA"
13=IF YOU WANT TO CALL ME THAT, SMILE. -- GARY COOPER; "THE VIRGINIAN". (INCORRECT VERSION: SMILE WHEN YOU SAY THAT.)
14=YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING, AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING. NOT A THING. OH, MAYBE JUST WHISTLE. -- LAUREN BACALL; "TO HAVE AND HAVE NOT"
15=BADGES? WE AIN'T GOT NO BADGES. WE DON'T NEED NO BADGES. I DON'T HAVE TO SHOW YOU ANY STINKING BADGES. -- ALFONSO BEDOYA; "TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE"
16=WHY, THAT DIRTY, NO-GOOD, YELLOW-BELLIED STOOL. -- JAMES CAGNEY; "PUBLIC ENEMY". (THIS WAS AS CLOSE AS HE CAME TO SAYING "YOU DIRTY RAT!")
17=I WANT TO BE ALONE. -- GRETA GARBO; "GRAND HOTEL"
18=YOU TALKIN' TO ME? -- ROBERT DE NIRO; "TAXI DRIVER".
19=FRANKLY, MY DEAR, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. -- CLARK GABLE; "GONE WITH THE WIND".
20=GO AHEAD, MAKE MY DAY. -- CLINT EASTWOOD; "SUDDEN IMPACT".
21=I'D LOVE TO KISS YA, BUT I JUST WASHED MY HAIR. -- BETTE DAVIS; "CABIN IN THE COTTON"
22=I COULD'VE BEEN A CONTENDER. -- MARLON BRANDO; "ON THE WATERFRONT"
23=STELLA! ... HEY, STELLA! -- MARLON BRANDO; "STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE"
24=I'M GONNA MAKE HIM AN OFFER HE CAN'T REFUSE. -- MARLON BRANDO, "GODFATHER"
25=AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I'LL NEVER BE HUNGRY AGAIN. -- VIVIAN LEIGH; "GONE WITH THE WIND"
26=IT'S NOT THE MEN IN YOUR LIFE, IT'S THE LIFE IN YOUR MEN THAT COUNTS. -- MAE WEST; "I'M NO ANGEL"
27=I'M GONNA MAKE HIM AN OFFER HE CAN'T REFUSE. -- MARLON BRANDO SAID IT AND SO DID AL PACINO; "THE GODFATHER"
28=GO AHEAD, MAKE MY DAY. -- CLINT EASTWOOD; "SUDDEN IMPACT"
29=WINNING ISN'T EVERYTHING, IT'S THE ONLY THING. -- SHERRY JACKSON (PRE VINCE LOMBARDI); "TROUBLE ALONG THE WAY"
30=ROUND UP THE USUAL SUSPECTS. -- CLAUDE RAINS; "CASABLANCA"
31=WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE IS A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE. -- STROTHER MARTIN; "COOL HAND LUKE"
32=I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE. -- PETER FINCH; "NETWORK"
33=YOU'RE NOT A LOSER, EDDIE ... YOU'RE A WINNER. -- PIPER LAURIE TO PAUL NEWMAN; "THE HUSTLER"
34=I NEVER KNEW IT COULD BE LIKE THIS. -- DEBORAH KERR; "FROM HERE TO ETERNITY"
35=THE NATIVES ... THEY ARE RESTLESS TONIGHT. -- CHARLES LAUGHTON; "ISLAND OF LOST SOULS"
36=WE HAVE WAYS TO MAKE MEN TALK. -- DOUGLAS DUMBRILLE TO GARY COOPER; "LIVES OF A BENGAL LANCER"
37=WE COULD HAVE MADE WONDERFUL MUSIC TOGETHER. -- GARY COOPER; "THE GENERAL DIED AT DAWN"
38=I CAN NO LONGER SIT BACK AND ALLOW ... THE INTERNATIONAL COMMUNIST CONSPIRACY TO SAP AND IMPURIFY ALL OF OUR PRECIOUS BODILY FLUIDS. -- STERLING HAYDEN; "DR. STRANGELOVE"
39=I'M NO GOOD. I'VE BEEN PASSED FROM HAND TO HAND. ARMIES HAVE MARCHED OVER ME. -- RITA HAYWORTH; "FIRE DOWN BELOW"
40=DIDN'T YOU HEAR ABOUT ME, GABE? IF I'D BEEN A RANCH THEY WOULD HAVE NAMED ME THE BAR NOTHING. -- RITA HAYWORTH; "GILDA"
41=IT TOOK MORE THAN ONE MAN TO CHANGE MY NAME TO SHANGHAI LILY. -- MARLENE DIETRICH; "SHANGHAI EXPRESS"
42=I'M NOT BAD. I'M JUST DRAWN THAT WAY. -- JESSICA RABBIT; "WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT"
43=TRASH! ... TRASH, TRASH, TRASH, TRASH, TRASH! ... I'M TRASH, I TELL YOU. TRASH! -- JENNIFER JONES; "DUEL IN THE SUN"
44=PROVE IT! -- JACK PALANCE'S STANDARD CHALLENGE TO HIS VICTIMS BEFORE HE GUNS THEM DOWN IN "SHANE".
45=I LIKE TO WATCH. -- PETER SELLERS; "BEING THERE"
46=THAT'LL BE THE DAY. -- JOHN WAYNE; "THE SEARCHERS". THIS IS SUPPOSEDLY THE SOURCE OF BUDDY HOLLEY'S SIGNATURE SONG.
47=DID YOU EVER PICK UP YOUR FEET IN POUGHKEEPSIE? -- GENE HACKMAN'S RHETORICAL, MEANINGLESS QUESTION TO HIS SUSPECTS; "FRENCH CONNECTION"
48=DON'T CALL ME STUPID. -- PSYCHOTIC KEVIN KLINE; "FISH CALLED WANDA"
49=WE'RE ON A MISSION FROM GOD. -- DAN AYKROYD, JOHN BELUSHI; "BLUES BROTHERS"
50=WAS YOU EVER BIT BY A DEAD BEE? -- WALTER BRENNEN'S RECURRING NONSENSICAL QUESTION; "TO HAVE AND TO HAVE NOT"
51=SO LET IT BE WRITTEN; SO LET IT BE DONE. -- YUL BRYNNER; "TEN COMMANDMENTS"
52=I'LL THINK ABOUT THAT TOMORROW. -- VIVIEN LEIGH; "GONE WITH THE WIND"
53=FIDDLE-DEE-DEE. -- VIVIEN LIEGH; "GONE WITH THE WIND". ALSO LARRY STORCH; "THE GREAT RACE"
54=MICHELANGELO, MAKE UP YOUR MIND, ONCE AND FOR ALL. DO YOU WANT TO FINISH THAT CEILING? -- CHARLTON HESTON WAS MICHELANGELO; "THE AGONY AND THE ECSTASY"
55=I LIKE TO THINK YOU KILLED A MAN. IT'S THE ROMANTIC IN ME. -- CLAUDE RAINS; "CASABLANCA"
56=YOU KNOW SOMETHING, HONCHO? YOU DON'T LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF, THE ONLY HELPING HAND YOU'LL EVER GET IS WHEN THEY LOWER THE BOX. -- PAUL NEWMAN; "HUD"
57=THE BOTTOM IS LOADED WITH NICE PEOPLE, ALBERT. ONLY CREAM AND BASTARDS RISE. -- PAUL NEWMAN; "HARPER"
58=YA KNOW, YA WOULDN'T BE SUCH A BAD-LOOKIN' DAME IF IT WASN'T FOR YOUR FACE. -- JEAN HARLOW; "HOLD YOUR MAN"
59=THE STORK THAT BROUGHT YOU MUST HAVE BEEN A VULTURE. -- ANN SHERIDAN; "TORRID ZONE"
60=I COULD EAT A CAN OF KODAK AND PUKE A BETTER MOVIE. -- KIM NOVAK TO ROCK HUDSON; "THE MIRROR CRACK'D"
61=IF YOU PUT THE TWO OF THEM TOGETHER IN A TANK WITH A SHARK, THE SHARK WOULD HAVE AN IDENTITY CRISIS. -- GERALDINE CHAPLIN; "THE MIRROR CRACK'D"
62=AS AN ACTOR, NO ONE COULD TOUCH HIM. AS A HUMAN BEING, NO ONE WANTED TO TOUCH HIM. -- WALTER MATTHAU DISCUSSING GEORGE BURNS; "THE SUNSHINE BOYS"
63=SHE'S MY SISTER AND MY DAUGHTER. -- FAYE DUNAWAY; "CHINATOWN"
64=HIS MOTHER HAS BEEN DEAD AND BURIED IN GREEN LAWN CEMETERY FOR THE PAST TEN YEARS. -- THE SON WAS ANTHONY HOPKINS; "PSYCHO"
65=NIETZSCHE SAID THAT THE LIFE WE LIVE WE'RE GOING TO LIVE OVER AND OVER AGAIN ... FOR ETERNITY. GREAT. THAT MEANS I'LL HAVE TO GO TO THE ICE CAPADES AGAIN. -- WOODY ALLEN; "HANNAH AND HER SISTERS"
66=I BROKE UP WITH FREUD ON THE CONCEPT OF PENIS ENVY. HE FELT IT SHOULD BE RESTRICTED TO WOMEN. -- WOODY ALLEN; "ZELIG"
67=THE PSYCHIATRIST ASKED ... DO I THINK SEX IS DIRTY, AND I SAID, "IT IS IF YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT." -- WOODY ALLEN; "TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN"
68=I ONCE STOLE A PORNOGRAPHIC BOOK THAT WAS PRINTED IN BRAILLE. I USED TO RUB THE DIRTY PARTS. -- WOODY ALLEN; "BANANAS"
69=QUESTION: "HEAVY. WHAT IS IT?" ANSWER: "THE STUFF THAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF." -- HUMPHREY BOGART IN "THE MALTESE FALCON."
70=THE MIRACLE FOOD OF HIGH-PROTEIN PLANKTON, GATHERED FROM THE OCEANS OF THE WORLD. -- (THE MIRACLE FOOD WAS HUMAN FLESH); "SOYLENT GREEN"
71=HE WAS A MAN WHO GOT EVERYTHING HE WANTED, AND THEN LOST IT. -- THE MAN WAS ORSON WELLES; "CITIZEN KANE"
72=WHAT CAN YOU SAY ABOUT A TWENTY-FIVE-YEAR OLD GIRL WHO DIED! THAT SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL AND BRILLIANT? THAT SHE LOVED MOZART, BACH, THE BEATLES? AND ME... -- RYAN O'NEAL; "LOVE STORY"
73=LOVE IS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY. -- ALI MCGRAW; "LOVE STORY"
74=I AM NOT AN ANIMAL. -- JOHN MERRICK, THE "ELEPHANT MAN"
75=MOST PEOPLE DON'T EVER HAVE TO FACE THE FACT THAT IN THE RIGHT PLACE, AT THE RIGHT TIME, THEY ARE CAPABLE OF ANYTHING. -- JOHN HUSTON; "CHINATOWN"
76=I'M NOT GOING TO BE IGNORED. -- GLENN CLOSE; "FATAL ATTRACTION"
77=I ALWAYS SAY A KISS ON THE HAND MIGHT FEEL VERY GOOD, BUT A DIAMOND TIARA LASTS FOREVER. -- LORELEI LEE AS MARILYN MONROE; "GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES"
78=I COULD'VE BEEN A CONTENDER. I COULD'VE HAD CLASS AND BEEN SOMEBODY. REAL CLASSY. INSTEAD OF A BUM, LET'S FACE IT, WHICH IS WHAT I AM. -- MARLON BRANDO; "ON THE WATERFRONT"
79=THEY'RE MAKING ME RUN. I'VE NEVER RUN FROM ANYBODY BEFORE. -- GARY COOPER; "HIGH NOON"
80=I LOVE THE SMELL OF NAPALM IN THE MORNING. IT SMELLS LIKE VICTORY. -- ROBERT DUVALL; "APOCALYPSE NOW"
81=I'VE WRESTLED WITH REALITY FOR THIRTY-FIVE YEARS, DOCTOR, AND I'M HAPPY TO STATE I FINALLY WON OUT OVER IT. -- JIMMY STEWART; "HARVEY"
82=SOMETIMES, NOTHING IS A REAL COOL HAND. -- PAUL NEWMAN; "COOL HAND LUKE"
83=GREED IS GOOD. GREED IS RIGHT. GREED WORKS. -- MICHAEL DOUGLAS; "WALL STREET"
84=I WAS WALKING THROUGH THE WOODS THINKING ABOUT CHRIST; IF HE WAS A CARPENTER, I WONDERED WHAT HE CHARGED FOR BOOKSHELVES. -- WOODY ALLEN; "LOVE AND DEATH"
85=NOW, I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER THAT NO BASTARD EVER WON A WAR BY DYING FOR HIS COUNTRY. HE WON IT BY MAKING THE OTHER POOR DUMB BASTARD DIE FOR HIS COUNTRY. -- GEORGE C. SCOTT; "PATTON"
86=I WANT YOU TO GET UP RIGHT NOW AND GO TO YOUR WINDOWS, OPEN THEM, AND STICK YOUR HEAD OUT AND YELL, "I'M MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" -- PETER FINCH; "NETWORK"
87=QUESTION: "HEY, JOHNNY, WHAT ARE YOU REBELLING AGAINST?" ANSWER: "WHATTA YA GOT?" -- MARLON BRANDO; "THE WILD ONE"
88=SOMEDAY, WHEN THE TEAM'S UP AGAINST IT AND THE BREAKS ARE BEATING THE BOYS, ASK 'EM TO GO IN THERE WITH ALL THEY'VE GOT AND WIN ONE FOR THE GIPPER. -- RONALD REAGAN; "KNUTE ROCKNE, ALL AMERICAN"
89=IT IS A FAR, FAR BETTER THING I DO THAN I HAVE EVER DONE. IT IS A FAR, FAR BETTER REST I GO TO THAN I HAVE EVER KNOWN. -- RONALD COLEMAN; "A TALE OF TWO CITIES"
90=I KNOW NOW WHY YOU CRY, BUT IT'S SOMETHING I CAN NEVER DO. -- ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER; "TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY"
91=I'LL GET YOU MY PRETTY, AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO! -- MARGARET HAMILTON; "THE WIZARD OF OZ"
92=I TOLD YOU TO KEEP AWAY FROM THAT RADIO! IF THAT BATTERY IS DEAD, IT'LL HAVE COMPANY. -- JAMES CAGNEY; "WHITE HEAT"
93=I'LL LIVE TO SEE YOU, ALL OF YOU, HANGING FROM THE HIGHEST YARDARM IN THE BRITISH FLEET. -- CHARLES LAUGHTON; "MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY"
94=I AM GOING TO CUT YOU INTO TWELVE LITTLE PIECES AND FEED YOU TO THE JURY. -- SPENCER TRACY TO OPPOSING ATTORNEY AND WIFE KATHERINE HEPBURN; "ADAM'S RIB"
95=YOU KNOW WHAT I DO TO SQUEALERS? I LET 'EM HAVE IT IN THE BELLY, SO THEY CAN ROLL AROUND FOR A LONG TIME THINKIN' IT OVER. -- RICHARD WIDMARK; "KISS OF DEATH"
96=A CENSUS TAKER ONCE TRIED TO TEST ME. I ATE HIS LIVER WITH SOME FAVA BEANS AND A NICE CHIANTI. -- ANTHONY HOPKINS AS HANNIBAL "THE CANNIBAL" LECTER; "SILENCE OF THE LAMBS"
97=MAYBE I'M THE BIG BAD WOLF. -- ROBERT DE NIRO; "CAPE FEAR"
98=WE'LL BEGIN WITH A REIGN OF TERROR. A FEW MURDERS HERE AND THERE, MURDERS OF GREAT MEN, MURDERS OF LITTLE MEN, JUST TO SHOW WE MAKE NO DISTINCTION. -- CLAUDE RAINS; "THE INVISIBLE MAN"
99=UNFORTUNATELY, THERE IS ONLY ONE THING THAT STANDS BETWEEN ME AND THAT PROPERTY; THE RIGHTFUL OWNERS. -- HARVEY KORMAN; "BLAZING SADDLES"
100=IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING, I STILL BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE ARE REALLY GOOD AT HEART. -- ANNE FRANK'S "DIARY OF A YOUNG GIRL"
[George Bernard Shaw]
Number=100
1=CRITICS, LIKE OTHER PEOPLE, SEE WHAT THEY LOOK FOR, NOT FOR WHAT IS ACTUALLY BEFORE THEM.
2=IF MORE THAN TEN PERCENT OF A POPULATION LIKES A PAINTING IT SHOULD BE BURNED, FOR IT MUST BE BAD.
3=THE TRUE ARTIST WILL LET HIS WIFE STARVE, HIS CHILDREN GO BAREFOOT, HIS MOTHER DRUDGE FOR HIS LIVING AT SEVENTY, SOONER THAN WORK AT ANYTHING BUT HIS ART.
4=IN IRELAND THEY TRY TO MAKE A CAT CLEAN BY RUBBING ITS NOSE IN ITS OWN FILTH. MR. [JAMES] JOYCE HAS TRIED THE SAME TREATMENT WITH THE HUMAN SUBJECT.
5=A DRAMA CRITIC IS A MAN WHO LEAVES NO TURN UNSTONED.
6=REVIEWING HAS ONE ADVANTAGE OVER SUICIDE; IN SUICIDE YOU TAKE IT OUT ON YOURSELF; IN REVIEWING YOU TAKE IT OUT ON OTHER PEOPLE.
7=ISADORA DUNCAN: A WOMAN WHOSE FACE LOOKED AS IF IT HAD BEEN MADE OUT OF SUGAR AND SOMEONE HAD LICKED IT.
8=REGARDING THE PLAY "REDEMPTION": IF YOU WILL ONLY TAKE THE PRECAUTION TO GO IN LONG AFTER IN COMMENCES, AND COME OUT LONG ENOUGH BEFORE ITS OVER, YOU WILL NOT FIND IT WEARISOME.
9=HE WHO CAN, DOES. HE WHO CANNOT, TEACHES. [ACCORDING TO WOODY ALLEN: HE WHO CANNOT TEACH, TEACHES GYM; HE WHO CANNOT TEACH GYM TAUGHT AT WOODY'S SCHOOL.]
10=A CHILD ONLY EDUCATED AT SCHOOL IS AN UNEDUCATED CHILD. [I SUSPECT HE MEANT "A CHILD EDUCATED ONLY AT SCHOOL ...; THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.]
11=I'M AN ATHEIST AND I THANK GOD FOR IT.
12=CHRISTIANITY MIGHT BE A GOOD THING IF ANYONE EVER TRIED IT.
13=THE JEWS GENERALLY GIVE VALUE. THEY MAKE YOU PAY; BUT THEY DELIVER THE GOODS. IN MY EXPERIENCE THE MEN WHO WANT SOMETHING FOR NOTHING ARE INVARIABLY CHRISTIANS.
14=REFUSING AN INVITATION TO A VEGETARIAN DINNER: THE THOUGHT OF TWO THOUSAND PEOPLE CRUNCHING CELERY AT THE SAME TIME HORRIFIED ME.
15=IF THE ENGLISH CAN SURVIVE THEIR FOOD, THEY CAN SURVIVE ANYTHING.
16=AN ENGLISHMAN IS A CREATURE WHO THINKS HE IS BEING VIRTUOUS WHEN HE IS ONLY BEING UNCOMFORTABLE.
17=THE TROUBLE WITH HER IS THAT SHE LACKS THE POWER OF CONVERSATION BUT NOT THE POWER OF SPEECH.
18=ISADORA DUNCAN: IMAGINE A CHILD WITH MY BODY AND YOUR BRAIN.
19=I WAS A FREE THINKER BEFORE I KNEW HOW TO THINK.
20=THE WORST SIN TOWARDS OUR FELLOW CREATURES IS NOT TO HATE THEM, BUT TO BE INDIFFERENT TO THEM; THAT'S THE ESSENCE OF INHUMANITY.
21=WITHOUT ART, THE CRUDENESS OF HUMANITY WOULD MAKE THE WORLD UNBEARABLE.
22=REMEMBER ALWAYS THAT THE LEAST PLAIN SISTER IS THE FAMILY BEAUTY.
23=CRUELTY MUST BE WHITEWASHED BY A MORAL EXCUSE, AND PRETENSE OF RELUCTANCE.
24=READING MADE DON QUIXOTE A GENTLEMAN, BUT BELIEVING WHAT HE READ MADE HIM MAD.
25=I MUST HAVE BEEN AN INSUFFERABLE CHILD; ALL CHILDREN ARE.
26=WE SHOULD HAVE SOCIALISM ALREADY, EXCEPT FOR SOCIALISTS.
27=MY SPECIALTY IS BEING RIGHT WHEN OTHER PEOPLE ARE WRONG.
28=IT IS VERY DOUBTFUL WHETHER MAN IS ENOUGH OF A POLITICAL ANIMAL TO PRODUCE A GOOD, SENSIBLE, SERIOUS AND EFFICIENT CONSTITUTION. ALL THE EVIDENCE IS AGAINST IT.
29=THE POWER OF ACCURATE OBSERVATION IS COMMONLY CALLED CYNICISM BY THOSE WHO HAVE NOT GOT IT.
30=LIFE DOES NOT CEASE TO BE FUNNY WHEN PEOPLE DIE ANY MORE THAN IT CEASES TO BE SERIOUS WHEN PEOPLE LAUGH.
31=DEMOCRACY SUBSTITUTES SELECTION BY THE INCOMPETENT MANY FOR APPOINTMENT BY THE CORRUPT FEW.
32=DEMOCRACY IS A DEVICE THAT INSURES THAT WE SHALL BE GOVERNED NO BETTER THAN WE DESERVE.
33=A LIFE SPENT IN MAKING MISTAKES IS NOT ONLY MORE HONORABLE BUT MORE USEFUL THAN A LIFE SPENT IN DOING NOTHING.
34=WHEN YOU PREVENT ME FROM DOING ANYTHING I WANT TO DO, THAT IS PERSECUTION; BUT WHEN I PREVENT YOU FROM DOING ANYTHING YOU WANT TO DO, THAT IS LAW, ORDER AND MORALS.
35=IF HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF, AND THE UNEXPECTED ALWAYS HAPPENS, HOW INCAPABLE MUST MAN BE OF LEARNING FROM EXPERIENCE.
36=WE HAVE NOT LOST FAITH, BUT WE HAVE TRANSFERRED IT FROM GOD TO THE MEDICAL PROFESSION.
37=IF YOU CANNOT GET RID OF THE FAMILY SKELETON, YOU MAY AS WELL MAKE IT DANCE.
38=LIBERTY MEANS RESPONSIBILITY. THAT IS WHY MOST MEN DREAD IT.
39=THERE ARE SCORES OF THOUSANDS OF SECTS WHO ARE READY AT A MOMENT'S NOTICE TO REVEAL THE WILL OF GOD ON EVERY POSSIBLE SUBJECT.
40=HE KNOWS NOTHING; HE THINKS HE KNOWS EVERYTHING. THAT CLEARLY POINTS TO A POLITICAL CAREER.
41=THE ONLY POWER A GOD CAN TEACH IS THE POWER OF DOING WITHOUT HAPPINESS.
42=A FEVERISH, SELFISH LITTLE CLOD OF AILMENTS AND GRIEVANCES COMPLAINING THAT THE WORLD WILL NOT DEVOTE ITSELF TO MAKING YOU HAPPY.
43=WE MUST MAKE THE WORLD HONEST BEFORE WE CAN HONESTLY SAY TO OUR CHILDREN THAT HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY.
44=ONLY ON PAPER HAS HUMANITY YET ACHIEVED GLORY, BEAUTY, TRUTH, KNOWLEDGE, VIRTUE, AND ABIDING LOVE.
45=NO MAN CAN BE A PURE SPECIALIST WITHOUT BEING IN THE STRICT SENSE AN IDIOT.
46=IN HEAVEN AN ANGEL IS NOBODY IN PARTICULAR.
47=WE SHOULD ALL BE OBLIGED TO APPEAR BEFORE A BOARD EVERY FIVE YEARS, AND JUSTIFY OUR EXISTENCE ... ON PAIN OF LIQUIDATION.
48=BEWARE OF FALSE KNOWLEDGE; IT IS MORE DANGEROUS THAN IGNORANCE.
49=I CANNOT LEARN LANGUAGES; MEN OF ORDINARY CAPACITY CAN LEARN SANSKRIT IN LESS TIME THAN IT TAKES ME TO BUY A GERMAN DICTIONARY.
50=A PERPETUAL HOLIDAY IS A GOOD WORKING DEFINITION OF HELL.
51=THEY WHO DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LIVE MUST MAKE A MERIT OF DYING.
52=THE LIAR'S PUNISHMENT IS NOT IN THE LEAST THAT HE IS NOT BELIEVED BUT THAT HE CANNOT BELIEVE ANYONE ELSE.
53=A MODERATELY HONEST MAN WITH A MODERATELY FAITHFUL WIFE, MODERATE DRINKERS BOTH, IN A MODERATELY HEALTHY HOUSE, THAT IS THE TRUE MIDDLE-CLASS UNIT.
54=OUR MIDDLE CLASSES WHO ARE COMFORTABLE AND IRRESPONSIBLE AT OTHER PEOPLE'S EXPENSE, ARE NEITHER ASHAMED OF THAT CONDITION NOR EVEN CONSCIOUS OF IT.
55=IT IS HIS LIFE WORK TO ANNOUNCE THE OBVIOUS IN TERMS OF THE SCANDALOUS -- H.L. MENCKEN, SPEAKING OF SHAW
56=THE MORE I THINK YOU OVER THE MORE IT COMES HOME TO ME WHAT AN UNMITIGATED MIDDLE VICTORIAN ASS YOU ARE. -- H.G. WELLS, TO SHAW
57=THERE ARE TWO TRAGEDIES IN LIFE. ONE IS NOT TO GET YOUR HEART'S DESIRE. THE OTHER IS TO GET IT.
58=PATRIOTISM IS YOUR CONVICTION THAT THIS COUNTRY IS SUPERIOR TO ALL OTHER COUNTRIES BECAUSE YOU WERE BORN IN IT.
59=YOU'LL NEVER HAVE A QUIET WORLD TILL YOU KNOCK THE PATRIOTISM OUT OF THE HUMAN RACE.
60=TO THE PERSON WITH A TOOTHACHE, EVEN IF THE WORLD IS TOTTERING, THERE IS NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN A VISIT TO THE DENTIST.
61=VERY FEW PEOPLE CAN AFFORD TO BE POOR.
62=POWER DOES NOT CORRUPT MEN; BUT FOOLS, IF THEY GET INTO A POSITION OF POWER, CORRUPT POWER.
63=EVERY STEP OF PROGRESS MEANS A DUTY REPUDIATED, AND A SCRIPTURE TORN UP.
64=I OFTEN QUOTE MYSELF; IT ADDS SPICE TO MY CONVERSATION.
65=THE FACT THAT A BELIEVER IS HAPPIER THAN A SKEPTIC IS NO MORE TO THE POINT THAN THE FACT THAT A DRUNKEN MAN IS HAPPIER THAN A SOBER ONE.
66=REVOLUTIONARY MOVEMENTS ATTRACT THE BEST AND WORST ELEMENTS IN A GIVEN SOCIETY.
67=IT IS DANGEROUS TO BE SINCERE UNLESS YOU ARE ALSO STUPID.
68=A GOVERNMENT THAT ROBS PETER TO PAY PAUL CAN ALWAYS DEPEND ON THE SUPPORT OF PAUL.
69=ECONOMY IS THE ART OF MAKING THE MOST OF LIFE. THE LOVE OF ECONOMY IS THE ROOT OF ALL VIRTUE.
70=STYLE IS EFFECTIVENESS OF ASSERTION.
71=YOU KNOW, TOLSTOY, LIKE MYSELF, WASN'T TAKEN IN BY SUPERSTITIONS, LIKE SCIENCE AND MEDICINE.
72=FEW PEOPLE THINK MORE THAN TWO OR THREE TIMES A YEAR. I HAVE MADE AN INTERNATIONAL REPUTATION FOR MYSELF BY THINKING ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK.
73=VIRTUE IS INSUFFICIENT TEMPTATION.
74=PEACE IS NOT ONLY BETTER THAN WAR, BUT INFINITELY MORE ARDUOUS.
75=MY METHOD IS TO TAKE THE UTMOST TROUBLE TO FIND THE RIGHT THING TO SAY, AND THEN TO SAY IT WITH THE UTMOST LEVITY.
76=SHAW WRITES HIS PLAYS FOR THE AGES, THE AGES BETWEEN FIVE AND TWELVE. -- GEORGE JEAN NATHAN
77=THE DRAMATIST WHO HAD DISCOVERED HIMSELF, AND WHO GAVE SO UNGRUDGINGLY OF HIS DISCOVERY TO THE WORLD. -- H.H. MUNRO, ON SHAW
78=A FREAKISH HOMUNCULUS GERMINATED OUTSIDE LAWFUL PROCREATION. -- HENRY JONES EXPRESSING HIS THOUGHTS ON SHAW
79=INTELLECTUALLY HE IS BENEATH CONTEMPT. ARTISTICALLY HE APPEALS ONLY TO PSEUDOPHILOSOPHERS. ARE WE NOT ALL A LITTLE TIRED OF THIS BLATANT SELF-PUFFERY? -- ALFRED NOYES, ON SHAW
80=AS YET, BERNARD SHAW HASN'T BECOME PROMINENT ENOUGH TO HAVE ANY ENEMIES; BUT NONE OF HIS FRIENDS LIKE HIM. -- OSCAR WILDE
81=INVITATION: "I WILL BE AT HOME ON TUESDAY BETWEEN FOUR AND SIX O'CLOCK." SHAW'S REPLY: "MR. BERNARD SHAW LIKEWISE."
82=BEAUTY IS ALL VERY WELL AT FIRST SIGHT; BUT WHO EVER LOOKS AT IT WHEN IT HAS BEEN IN THE HOUSE THREE DAYS?
83=QUESTION: "ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF, MR. SHAW?" SHAW: "THERE IS NO ONE ELSE HERE TO ENJOY."
84=YOU SEE THINGS; AND YOU SAY "WHY?" BUT I DREAM OF THINGS THAT NEVER WERE; AND I SAY "WHY NOT?" -- [PREDATING JFK BY A FAIR AMOUNT]
85=NOTHING IS WORTH DOING UNLESS THE CONSEQUENCES MAY BE SERIOUS.
86=THE REASONABLE MAN ADAPTS HIMSELF TO THE WORLD; THE UNREASONABLE ONE PERSISTS IN TRYING TO ADAPT THE WORLD TO HIMSELF. THEREFORE ALL PROGRESS DEPENDS ON THE UNREASONABLE MAN.
87=THE PLAIN WORKING TRUTH IS THAT IT IS NOT ONLY GOOD FOR PEOPLE TO BE SHOCKED OCCASIONALLY, BUT ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY TO THE PROGRESS OF SOCIETY THAT THEY SHOULD BE SHOCKED PRETTY OFTEN.
88=I ENJOY CONVALESCENCE. IT IS THE PART THAT MAKES ILLNESS WORTH WHILE.
89=WHEN A STUPID MAN IS DOING SOMETHING HE IS ASHAMED OF, HE ALWAYS DECLARES THAT IT IS HIS DUTY.
90=IF ALL ECONOMISTS WERE LAID END TO END, THEY WOULD NOT REACH A CONCLUSION.
91=PUT AN IRISHMAN ON THE SPIT, AND YOU CAN ALWAYS GET ANOTHER IRISHMAN TO TURN HIM.
92=HELL IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS. ALL MEN MEAN WELL.
93=MARTYRDOM ... IS THE ONLY WAY IN WHICH A MAN CAN BECOME FAMOUS WITHOUT ABILITY.
94=ANARCHISM IS A GAME AT WHICH THE POLICE CAN BEAT YOU.
95=HE NEVER DOES A PROPER THING WITHOUT GIVING AN IMPROPER REASON FOR IT.
96=IF YOU MUST HOLD YOURSELF UP TO YOUR CHILDREN AS AN OBJECT LESSON, ... HOLD YOURSELF UP AS A WARNING AND NOT AS AN EXAMPLE.
97=PUBLIC LIFE IS THE PARADISE OF VOLUBLE WINDBAGS.
98=NO PUBLIC MAN IN THESE ISLANDS EVER BELIEVES THAT THE BIBLE MEANS WHAT IT SAYS; HE IS ALWAYS CONVINCED THAT IT SAYS WHAT HE MEANS.
99=SILENCE IS THE MOST PERFECT EXPRESSION OF SCORN.
100=KINGS ARE NOT BORN. THEY ARE MADE BY UNIVERSAL HALLUCINATION.
[Groucho Marx]
Number=100
1=DID ANYONE EVER TELL YOU THAT YOU LOOK LIKE THE PRINCE OF WALES? BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY WALES. I KNOW A WHALE WHEN I SEE ONE.
2=YOUR EYES, YOUR EYES! THEY SHINE LIKE THE PANTS OF A BLUE SERGE SUIT. ... THAT'S NOT A REFLECTION ON YOU, IT'S ON THE PANTS.
3=DON'T GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME HERE ALONE. YOU STAY HERE AND I'LL GO AWAY.
4=I'LL MEET YOU TONIGHT UNDER THE MOON. OH, I CAN SEE YOU NOW, YOU AND THE MOON. YOU WEAR A NECK-TIE SO I'LL KNOW YOU.
5=SAY, THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU, REMIND ME NOT TO TALK TO YOU, WILL YOU?
6=NOW, LOOK, I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU DOWN AND SHOW YOU OUR CEMETERY. I'VE GOT A WAITING LIST OF FIFTY PEOPLE AT THAT CEMETERY JUST DYING TO GET IN.
7=YOU'RE A WOMAN WHO'S BEEN GETTING NOTHING BUT DIRTY BREAKS. WELL, WE CAN CLEAN AND TIGHTEN YOUR BRAKES, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO STAY IN THE GARAGE ALL NIGHT.
8=MADAM, YOU'RE MAKING HISTORY. IN FACT, YOU'RE MAKING ME, AND I WISH YOU'D KEEP MY HANDS TO YOURSELF.
9=MADAM, BEFORE I GET THROUGH WITH YOU, YOU WILL HAVE A CLEAR CASE FOR DIVORCE, AND SO WILL MY WIFE.
10=IS IT TRUE YOU'RE GETTING A DIVORCE AS SOON AS YOUR HUSBAND RECOVERS HIS EYESIGHT?
11=OH, WHY CAN'T WE BREAK AWAY FROM ALL THIS, JUST YOU AND I, AND LODGE WITH MY FLEAS IN THE HILLS? I MEAN, FLEE TO MY LODGE IN THE HILLS.
12=SIR! ARE YOU TRYING TO OFFER ME A BRIBE? HOW MUCH?
13=I THOUGHT MY RAZOR WAS DULL UNTIL I HEARD HIS SPEECH, AND THAT REMINDS ME OF A STORY THAT'S SO DIRTY I'M ASHAMED TO THINK OF IT MYSELF.
14=AS I LOOK OUT OVER YOUR EAGER FACES, I CAN READILY UNDERSTAND WHY THIS COLLEGE IS FLAT ON ITS BACK. THE LAST COLLEGE I PRESIDED OVER THINGS WERE SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT. I WAS FLAT ON MY BACK.
15=WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME TO YOUR WIFE? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. I'LL GO HOME TO YOUR WIFE AND OUTSIDE OF THE IMPROVEMENTS, SHE'LL NEVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
16=I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS AGAIN, YOU SNOB. I'D HORSEWHIP YOU, IF I HAD A HORSE.
17=YOU'RE HEADING FOR A BREAKDOWN. WHY DON'T YOU PULL YOURSELF TO PIECES?
18=YOU'VE GOT THE BRAIN OF A FOUR-YEAR-OLD, AND I BET HE WAS GLAD TO GET RID OF IT.
19=ARE YOU MISS BAILY? COME, COME. ONE OF US IS MISS BAILY, AND I'M NOT.
20=I TELL YOU, YOU'RE RUINING THAT BOY. YOU'RE RUINING HIM. WHY CAN'T YOU DO AS MUCH FOR ME?
21=OH, I LOVE SITTING ON YOUR LAP. I COULD SIT HERE ALL DAY, IF YOU DIDN'T STAND UP.
22=I WAS GOING TO GET A FLAT BOTTOM, BUT THE GIRL AT THE BOAT HOUSE DIDN'T HAVE ONE.
23=WE THEN COME TO THE BLOOD STREAM. THE BLOOD RUSHES FROM THE HEAD DOWN TO THE FEET, GETS A LOOK AT THOSE FEET, AND RUSHES BACK TO THE HEAD.
24=WE FIRST LISTEN TO THE HEART BEAT, AND IF YOUR HEART BEATS ANYTHING BUT DIAMONDS AND CLUBS, IT'S BECAUSE YOU PARTNER IS CHEATING, OR YOUR WIFE.
25=WELL THAT COVERS A LOT OF GROUND. SAY, YOU COVER A LOT OF GROUND YOURSELF. YOU BETTER BEAT IT. I HEAR THEY'RE GOING TO TEAR YOU DOWN AND PUT UP AN OFFICE BUILDING WHERE YOU'RE STANDING.
26=YOU CAN LEAVE IN A TAXI. IF YOU CAN'T GET A TAXI YOU CAN LEAVE IN A HUFF. IF THAT'S TOO SOON, YOU CAN LEAVE IN A MINUTE AND A HUFF.
27=YOU KNOW, YOU HAVEN'T STOPPED TALKING SINCE I CAME HERE? YOU MUST HAVE BEEN VACCINATED WITH A PHONOGRAPH NEEDLE.
28=WILL YOU MARRY ME? DID HE LEAVE YOU ANY MONEY? ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION FIRST.
29=I COULD DANCE WITH YOU TILL THE COWS COME HOME. ON SECOND THOUGHT, I'D RATHER DANCE WITH THE COWS TILL YOU CAME HOME.
30=RIDE LIKE FURY. IF YOU RUN OUT OF GAS, GET ETHYL. IF ETHYL RUNS OUT, GET MABEL. NOW STEP ON IT.
31=A FOUR-YEAR-OLD CHILD COULD UNDERSTAND THIS REPORT. RUN OUT AND GET ME A FOUR-YEAR-OLD CHILD.
32=I'VE GOT A GOOD MIND TO JOIN A CLUB AND BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH IT.
33=MAYBE YOU CAN SUGGEST SOMETHING. AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU DO SUGGEST SOMETHING. TO ME YOU SUGGEST A BABOON.
34=I'LL SEE YOU AT THE THEATER TONIGHT. I'LL HOLD YOUR SEAT TILL YOU GET THERE. AFTER YOU GET THERE, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
35=MARRIED! I CAN SEE YOU RIGHT NOW IN THE KITCHEN, BENDING OVER A HOT STOVE, BUT I CAN'T SEE THE STOVE.
36=WHEN I INVITE A WOMAN TO DINNER, I EXPECT HER TO LOOK AT MY FACE. THAT'S THE PRICE SHE HAS TO PAY.
37=QUESTION: "ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?" ANSWER: "PUT A PIECE OF CHEESE DOWN HERE AND YOU'LL FIND OUT."
38=WILL YOU HAVE THE BELL-HOP HOP UP WITH SOME HOP SCOTCH?
39=IF I HOLD YOU ANY CLOSER I'LL BE IN BACK OF YOU.
40=THE NIGHT I DRANK CHAMPAGNE FROM YOUR SLIPPER -- TWO QUARTS. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE, BUT YOU WERE WEARING INNER SOLES.
41=OH ARE THOSE ... SHOES? I THOUGHT THAT WAS FUNGUS WITH BUTTONS.
42=I'M NOT IN BUSINESS FOR LOVE, YOU KNOW. I WAS IN LOVE ONCE, AND I GOT THE BUSINESS. BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY, AND A VERY UNPLEASANT ONE, TOO.
43=HE'S SO FULL OF ALCOHOL, IF YOU PUT A LIGHTED WICK IN HIS MOUTH, HE'D BURN FOR THREE DAYS.
44=WHY DON'T YOU LET ME GO? LET'S KEEP THIS A PERFECT MEMORY, AND SOMEDAY THIS BITTER ACHE WILL PASS, MY SWEET. TIME WOUNDS ALL HEALS.
45=LET'S GO SOMEPLACE WHERE WE CAN BE ALONE. AH, THERE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ANYONE ON THIS COUCH.
46=MARTHA DEAR, THERE ARE MANY BONDS THAT WILL HOLD US TOGETHER THROUGH ETERNITY ... YOUR GOVERNMENT BONDS, YOUR SAVINGS BONDS, YOUR LIBERTY BONDS.
47=MY MOTHER LOVED CHILDREN. SHE WOULD HAVE GIVEN ANYTHING IF I HAD BEEN ONE.
48=I WAS SO LONG WRITING MY REVIEW THAT I NEVER GOT AROUND TO READING THE BOOK.
49=THERE'S ONE WAY TO FIND OUT IF A MAN IS HONEST. ASK HIM. IF HE SAYS "YES", YOU KNOW HE IS A CROOK.
50=I FIND TELEVISION VERY EDUCATING. THE MINUTE SOMEBODY TURNS IT ON, I GO INTO THE LIBRARY AND READ A GOOD BOOK.
51=SHE GOT HER GOOD LOOKS FROM HER FATHER. HE'S A PLASTIC SURGEON.
52=MILITARY INTELLIGENCE IS A CONTRADICTION IN TERMS.
53=MILITARY JUSTICE IS TO JUSTICE WHAT MILITARY MUSIC IS TO MUSIC.
54=A MAN IS ONLY AS OLD AS THE WOMAN HE FEELS.
55=WHOEVER NAMED IT NECKING WAS A POOR JUDGE OF ANATOMY.
56=I DIDN'T LIKE THE PLAY, BUT THEN I SAW IT UNDER ADVERSE CIRCUMSTANCES: THE CURTAIN WAS UP.
57=I NEVER FORGET A FACE, BUT IN YOUR CASE I'LL MAKE AN EXCEPTION.
58="I LOVE MY CIGAR TOO BUT I TAKE IT OUT OF MY MOUTH ONCE IN A WHILE." -- RESPONDING TO A WOMAN WHO SAID SHE HAD SO MANY CHILDREN BECAUSE SHE LOVED HER HUSBAND.
59=I DON'T KNOW WHO STARTED CIRCULATING THE STORIES THAT I'M ALL THAT WHOLESOME AND CLEAN-CUT. BUT IF I EVER TRACK HIM DOWN, YOU CAN BET SOMEBODY'S GOING TO BE SUED FOR SLANDER.
60=HAVE YOU EVER MET A CRITIC? THEY ALL TAKE CHEAP SHOTS, EXCEPT WHEN YOU'RE BUYING THE DRINKS.
61=TODAY WE HAVE A DISTINGUISHED ACTOR ... FORNICATING WITH HIS OVERCOAT ON. I DON'T THINK HE EVEN TIPPED HIS HAT TO HIS PARTNER, AND THAT'S NO WAY TO TREAT A LADY.
62=TO A TREE SURGEON: "TELL ME, DOC, DID YOU EVER FALL OUT OF A PATIENT?"
63=I WAS OBLIQUELY FLATTERED TO KNOW THAT IN THE EYES OF SOME I LOOKED LIKE A GOVERNOR, JUST AS WARREN HARDING LOOKED LIKE A PRESIDENT.
64=PRIEST: "I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR ALL THE JOY YOU'VE PUT INTO THE WORLD." GROUCHO: "THANK YOU FATHER. AND I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR ALL THE JOY YOU'VE TAKEN OUT OF IT."
65=TO RICHARD RODGERS: "SAY, I KNOW YOU! ROY RODGERS! KING OF THE COWBOYS. AND THIS MUST BE TRIGGER." RODGERS: "NO, THAT'S HAMMERSTEIN." GROUCHO: "ODD NAME FOR A HORSE."
66=TALENT ISN'T ENOUGH. YOU HAVE TO BE LUCKY. I THINK IF I HAD MY CHOICE OF ONE, I WOULD CHOOSE LUCK.
67=UPON BEING REJECTED BY A BEACH CLUB BECAUSE HE WAS JEWISH: "SINCE MY DAUGHTER IS ONLY HALF JEWISH, COULD SHE GO INTO THE WATER UP TO HER KNEES?"
68=THERE'S A GIRL OUT THERE WITH A LOOSE SWEATER. I WISH THERE WAS A LOOSE GIRL OUT THERE WITH A TIGHT SWEATER. I'D CERTAINLY LIKE TO PULL THE WOOL OVER HER EYES.
69=TO A PRETTY GIRL: "YOU HAVE A VERY GOOD HEAD ON YOUR SHOULDERS, AND I WISH IT WERE ON MINE."
70=YOU'RE MELBA TAYLOR? YOU MUST BE THE TOAST OF THE TOWN.
71=IF YOU WANT TO SEE A COMIC STRIP, YOU SHOULD SEE ME IN A SHOWER.
72=IF [WOMEN] DRESSED FOR ME, THE STORES WOULDN'T SELL MUCH -- JUST AN OCCASIONAL SUN VISOR.
73=TO A SKY-WRITER: "WHEN YOU'RE UP THERE SKY-WRITING, DO YOU EVER FEEL THAT SOMEONE IS LOOKING OVER YOUR SHOULDER?"
74=I'LL NEVER FORGET MY WEDDING DAY. THEY THREW VITAMIN PILLS.
75=TO AN ADMIRAL: "WE'RE NOT VERY FORMAL ON THE SHOW, SO DO YOU MIND IF I CALL YOU CAPTAIN?"
76=TO GARY COOPER'S MOTHER: "HE'S A REAL CHATTERBOX TOO ... I'VE BEEN WATCHING HIM FOR TWENTY YEARS ... AND HE'S ABOUT SIX WORDS AHEAD OF MY BROTHER HARPO."
77=I MADE A KILLING ON WALL STREET A FEW YEARS AGO. I SHOT MY BROKER.
78=TO A CURVACEOUS CONTESTANT: "YOUR FATHER IS A MEAT DISTRIBUTOR? WELL, IF YOU'RE ANY INDICATION, HE CERTAINLY KNOWS HIS BUSINESS."
79=A WALKING RACE? I'VE NEVER SEEN A WALKING RACE, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF A COUPLE OF HORSES I BET ON AT SANTA ANITA.
80=YOU MEAN WHEN A GIRL SAYS "STOP" SHE REALLY MEANS "DON'T STOP"? BOY, THE NIGHTS I WASTED. I WAS ALWAYS SO GULLIBLE.
81=GROUCHO: "WHEREABOUTS IN MANHATTAN WERE YOU BORN?" CONTESTANT: "ON RIVERSIDE DRIVE." GROUCHO: "YOU'RE LUCKY YOU WEREN'T RUN OVER BY A BUS."
82=CONTESTANT: "I LIVE WITH CANNIBALS IN THE JUNGLE." GROUCHO: "YOU'RE LUCKY YOU HAVEN'T GONE TO POT."
83=WOMAN: "I HAVE WOODPECKERS IN MY COCOA PALMS." GROUCHO: "WELL KEEP YOUR HAT ON AND NO ONE WILL NOTICE."
84=GROUCHO: "WHERE'D [THE DOG] BITE YOU?" CONTESTANT: "IN ENCINO." GROUCHO: "WHY! THAT DIRTY MONGREL."
85=GROUCHO: "HOW OLD ARE YOU, EDY?" EDY: "OH, A GENTLEMAN NEVER ASKS A WOMAN HER AGE." GROUCHO: "THAT'S RIGHT. HOW OLD ARE YOU?"
86=GROUCHO: "DID YOU EVER HERE OF A COW THAT JUST GAVE BUTTERMILK?" ANSWER: "NO". GROUCHO: "WHAT ELSE CAN A COW GIVE BUT HER MILK."
87=WOMAN: "MY CHILDREN WERE BORN FROM ONE END OF THE COUNTRY TO THE OTHER." GROUCHO: "YOU MUST HAVE PRETTY LONG CHILDREN."
88=GROUCHO: "WHAT'S YOUR HUSBAND'S NAME?" WIFE: "MILTON AUGUST." GROUCHO: "WHAT'S HIS NAME IN SEPTEMBER?"
89=GROUCHO: "WHERE ARE YOU FROM?" LADY: "I'M FROM SOUTH WALES." GROUCHO: "DID YOU EVER MEET A FELLOW NAMED JONAH. HE LIVED IN WHALES FOR A WHILE. THE MIDDLE PART."
90=I SHOULD THINK MEDICINE AND A VOICE WOULD GO VERY WELL TOGETHER. YOU COULD OPERATE ON A PATIENT AND THEN PICK UP ANOTHER COUPLE OF BUCKS SINGING AT THE FUNERAL.
91=HE'LL KEEP ON SENDING FLOWERS AFTER HE'S MARRIED. ALL MARRIED MEN DO THAT, YOU KNOW. AND IF YOU'RE LUCKY, ON YOUR BIRTHDAY HE MIGHT EVEN REMEMBER TO SEND SOME TO YOU.
92=MAN: "I WAS BORN RIGHT HERE." GROUCHO: "RIGHT HERE IN THE STUDIO. I REALIZE THAT YOU'VE BEEN STANDING THERE FOR QUITE SOME TIME, BUT I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS THAT LONG."
93=WOMAN: "I'M A DANCE INSTRUCTOR FOR ARTHUR MURRAY." GROUCHO: "YOU MEAN AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, ARTHUR STILL HASN'T LEARNED HOW TO DANCE.?"
94=GROUCHO: "HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR HUSBAND?" LADY: "HE PULLED UP ALONG SIDE ME AND HONKED." GROUCHO: "WHAT WAS HE? A GOOSE?"
95=GUEST: "I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR THIRTY-ONE YEARS TO THE SAME MAN." GROUCHO: "IF HE'S BEEN MARRIED FOR THIRTY-ONE YEARS, HE'S NOT THE SAME MILE."
96=FEMALE: "I CAN'T FIND A MAN WHO CAN MAKE ME TINGLE. IT'S IMPORTANT FOR ME TO TINGLE." GROUCHO: "YOU MEAN LIKE TINGLE, TINGLE, LITTLE STAR?"
97=I HAD NEVER SEEN ANYBODY DRESSED IN EVENING CLOTHES, EXCEPT MY FATHER WHEN HE GOT MARRIED.
98=TO A BODY BUILDER: "YOU DON'T HAVE ANY MUSCLES UNLESS YOU TAKE YOUR JACKET OFF, AND I DON'T HAVE ANY MUSCLES UNTIL I PUT MY JACKET ON."
99=TO A POET: "IN OTHER WORDS, YOU'RE OUT OF WORK?"
100=TO A CHICKEN GROWER: "HOW MANY CHICKENS DO YOU RAISE AND HOW HIGH DO YOU RAISE THEM?"
