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parrot.txt
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1990-07-15
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148 lines
The Parrot-sketch from Monty Python's Flying Circus
Praline (John) Hello, I wish to register a complaint..... Hello? Miss?
Shopkeeper (Michael) What do you mean, miss?
Praline Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.
Shopkeeper Sorry, we're closing for lunch.
Praline Never mind that my lad, I wish to complain about a parrot what I
purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Shopkeeper Oh yes, the Norwegian Blue. What's wrong with it?
Praline I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong
with it.
Shopkeeper No, no its resting look!
Praline Look my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one and I'm looking at
one right now.
Shopkeeper No, no sir, it's not dead. It's resting.
Praline Resting!?!
Shopkeeper Yeah, remarkable bird the Norwegian Blue, beautiful plumage, innt?
Praline The plummage don't enter into it - it's stone dead.
Shopkeeper No, no - it's just resting.
Praline All right then, if it's resting I'll wake it up. (shouts in into
cage) Hello Polly! I've got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake
up, Polly Parrot!
Shopkeeper (jogging cage) There it moved.
Praline No he didn't. That was you pushing the cage.
Shopkeeper I did not.
Praline Yes, you did. (takes parrot out of cage, shouts) Hello Polly, Polly
(bangs it against the counter) Polly Parrot, wake up. Polly (throws it
in the air and it lands on the floor) Now that's what I call a dead
parrot.
Shopkeeper No, no it's stunned.
Praline Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That parrot is
definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour ago,
you assured me that its lack of movement was due to it being tired
shagged out after a long squawk.
Shopkeeper It's probaly pinning for the fiords.
Praline Pinning for the fiords, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it
fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?
Shopkeeper The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on its back. Beautiful bird,
lovely plumage.
Praline Look, I took the liberity of examining the parrot, and I discovered
that the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in
the first place was that it had been nailed there.
Shopkeeper Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise it would
muscle up to those bars and voom.
Praline Look matey (picks up parrot) this parrot wouldn't go voom if I put
four thousand volts through it. It's bleeding demised.
Shopkeeper It's not. It's pinning.
Praline It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more. It has
ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late
parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't
nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung
down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot.
Shopkeeper Well I'd better replace it then.
Praline (to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you've
got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.
Shopkeeper Sorry guv, we're right out a parrots.
Praline I see. I see. I get the picture.
Shopkeeper I've got a slug.
Praline Does it talk?
Shopkeeper Not really, no.
Praline Well, it's scarcely a replacment, then is it?
Shopkeeper Listen, I'll tell yo what, (handing over a card) tell you what, if
you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton he'll replace your
parrot for you.
Praline Bolton eh?
Shopkeeper Yeah.
Praline All right.
he leaves, holding the parrot.
CAPTION: 'A SIMILAR PET SHOP IN BOLTON, LANCS'
Close-up of sign on door reading: 'Similar Pet Shops Ltd'. Pull back from
sign to see same pet shop. Shopkeeper now has a moustache. Praline walks
into the shop. He looks around with interest, noticing the empty parrot
cage on the floor.
Praline Er, excuse me. This is Bolton, is it?
Shopkeeper No, no it's ,er, Ipswich.
Praline (to camera) That's Inter-City Rail for you (leaves)
Man in porters outfit standing at complaints desk for railways. Praline
approaches.
Praline I wish to make a complaint.
Porter (Terry J) I don't have to do this, you know.
Praline I beg your pardon?
Proter I'm a qaulified brain surgeon. I only do this because I like being my
own boss.
Praline Er, excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
Porter Oh yeah, it's not easy to pad these out in thirty minutes.
Praline Well I wish to make a complaint. I got on to the Bolton train and found
myself deposited here in Ipswich.
Porter No, this is Bolton.
Praline If this is Bolton, I shall return to the pet shop.
CAPTION: 'A LITTLE LATER LTD'
Praline walks into the shop again.
Praline I understand this IS Bolton.
Shopkeeper Yes.
Praline Well, you told me it was Ipswich.
Shopkeeper It was a pun.
Praline A pun?
Shopkeeper No, no, not a pun, no. What's the other thing which reads the same
backwards as forwards?
Praline A palindrome?
Shopkeeper Yes, yes.
Praline It's not a palindrome. The palindrome of Bolton would be Notlob. It
don't work.
Shopkeeper Look, what do you want?
Praline No, I'm sorry, I'm not prepared to pursue my line of enquiry any
further as I think this is getting too silly.
Colonel (coming in) Quite agree. Quite agree. Silly. Silly....silly. Right, get
on with it. Get on with it.
etc, etc, etc........
Mr. Barnard (Graham) (shouting) What do you want?
Man (Michael) Well I was told outside....
Mr. Barnard Don't give me that you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
Man What!
Mr. Barnard Shut your festering gob you tit! Your type makes me puke!
You vacuous
toffee-nosed malodorous pervert!
Man Look! I came in here for an argument.
Mr. Barnard (calmly) Oh! I'm sorry this is abuse.
Enjoy.......
Jonathan Sims (007)
ccs007@castor.ucdavis.edu
No .sig to waste space.