The Parrot-sketch from Monty Python's Flying Circus


Praline (John)  Hello,  I wish to register a complaint..... Hello?  Miss?
Shopkeeper (Michael) What do you mean, miss?
Praline  Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.
Shopkeeper  Sorry, we're closing for lunch.
Praline  Never mind that my lad, I wish to complain about a parrot what I
         purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Shopkeeper  Oh yes, the Norwegian Blue.  What's wrong with it?
Praline  I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong
    	 with it.
Shopkeeper  No, no its resting look!
Praline  Look my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one and I'm looking at
         one right now.
Shopkeeper  No, no sir, it's not dead. It's resting.
Praline  Resting!?!
Shopkeeper  Yeah, remarkable bird the Norwegian Blue, beautiful plumage, innt?
Praline  The plummage don't enter into it - it's stone dead.
Shopkeeper  No, no - it's just resting.
Praline  All right then, if it's resting I'll wake it up. (shouts in into
   	 cage)  Hello Polly! I've got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake
	 up, Polly Parrot!
Shopkeeper  (jogging cage)  There it moved.
Praline  No he didn't. That was you pushing the cage.
Shopkeeper  I did not.
Praline  Yes, you did. (takes parrot out of cage, shouts)  Hello Polly, Polly
	 (bangs it against the counter) Polly Parrot, wake up. Polly (throws it
	 in the air and it lands on the floor) Now that's what I call a dead
	 parrot.
Shopkeeper No, no it's stunned.
Praline  Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That parrot is
	 definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour ago,
	 you assured me that its lack of movement was due to it being tired
	 shagged out after a long squawk.
Shopkeeper  It's probaly pinning for the fiords.
Praline  Pinning for the fiords, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it
	 fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?
Shopkeeper  The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on its back. Beautiful bird,
	    lovely plumage.
Praline  Look, I took the liberity of examining the parrot, and I discovered
	 that the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in
	 the first place was that it had been nailed there.
Shopkeeper  Well of course it was nailed there.  Otherwise it would
	    muscle up to those bars and voom.
Praline  Look matey (picks up parrot) this parrot wouldn't go voom if I put
	 four thousand volts through it. It's bleeding demised.
Shopkeeper  It's not. It's pinning.
Praline  It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more. It has
	 ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late
	 parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't
	 nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung
	 down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot.
Shopkeeper  Well I'd better replace it then.
Praline  (to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you've
	 got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.
Shopkeeper  Sorry guv, we're right out a parrots.
Praline  I see. I see. I get the picture.
Shopkeeper  I've got a slug.
Praline  Does it talk?
Shopkeeper  Not really, no.
Praline  Well, it's scarcely a replacment, then is it?
Shopkeeper  Listen, I'll tell yo what, (handing over a card) tell you what, if
	    you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton he'll replace your
	    parrot for you.
Praline  Bolton eh?
Shopkeeper  Yeah.
Praline  All right.

    he leaves, holding the parrot.

    CAPTION: 'A SIMILAR PET SHOP IN BOLTON, LANCS'

    Close-up of sign on door reading: 'Similar Pet Shops Ltd'. Pull back from
    sign to see same pet shop. Shopkeeper now has a moustache. Praline walks
    into the shop. He looks around with interest, noticing the empty parrot
    cage on the floor.

Praline  Er, excuse me. This is Bolton, is it?
Shopkeeper  No, no it's ,er, Ipswich.
Praline (to camera) That's Inter-City Rail for you (leaves)

    Man in porters outfit standing at complaints desk for railways. Praline
    approaches.

Praline  I wish to make a complaint.
Porter  (Terry J) I don't have to do this, you know.
Praline  I beg your pardon?
Proter  I'm a qaulified brain surgeon.  I only do this because I like being my
	own boss.
Praline  Er, excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
Porter  Oh yeah, it's not easy to pad these out in thirty minutes.
Praline  Well I wish to make a complaint. I got on to the Bolton train and found
         myself deposited here in Ipswich.
Porter  No, this is Bolton.
Praline  If this is Bolton, I shall return to the pet shop.

	CAPTION: 'A LITTLE LATER LTD'
	Praline walks into the shop again.

Praline  I understand this IS Bolton.
Shopkeeper  Yes.
Praline  Well, you told me it was Ipswich.
Shopkeeper  It was a pun.
Praline  A pun?
Shopkeeper  No, no, not a pun, no.  What's the other thing which reads the same
	    backwards as forwards?
Praline   A palindrome?
Shopkeeper  Yes, yes.
Praline  It's not a palindrome. The palindrome of Bolton would be Notlob. It
	 don't work.
Shopkeeper  Look, what do you want?
Praline  No, I'm sorry, I'm not prepared to pursue my line of enquiry any
	 further as I think this is getting too silly.
Colonel (coming in) Quite agree. Quite agree. Silly. Silly....silly. Right, get
	on with it. Get on with it.


etc, etc, etc........



Mr. Barnard (Graham) (shouting) What do you want?
Man (Michael) Well I was told outside....
Mr. Barnard Don't give me that you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
Man         What!
Mr. Barnard Shut your festering gob you tit! Your type makes me puke!
            You vacuous
            toffee-nosed malodorous pervert!
Man         Look! I came in here for an argument.
Mr. Barnard (calmly) Oh! I'm sorry this is abuse.



     Enjoy.......


Jonathan Sims  (007)
ccs007@castor.ucdavis.edu


No .sig to waste space.