Media Share 9/MEDIASHARE_09.ISO/private/tg120.zip/19930220.NEW

Text File | 1993-03-24 | 87KB | 1,850 lines

*
* ARCHIVE: 19930220.NEW
*
* DATE: 02/20/93 (revised 02/22/93)
*
* EDITOR(S):
*
*        Editor   1 : Paul J. Clegg  ([e-mail])
*        Editor   2 : Steve Baker  ([e-mail])
*
* NUMBER OF ARTICLES: 25
*


********************** I M P O R T A N T   N O T I C E **********************

This collection of articles fully complies with the "official" Project
Galactic-Guide "Article Writing/Style Guide" report (updated 03/19/92), and
is usable with any article reader program which supports this format.

If a new article format becomes standard, THIS FILE WILL BE UNUSABLE with
complying programs which support the new format.  Don't Panic!  This archive
will be re-released after being converted to the new standards, should they
be approved.  Again, watch [ alt.galactic-guide ] for updates.
                                                                      [ swb ]
*****************************************************************************


*
*
* REAL (Fact) ARTICLES -- 13
*
*   1R13   -- Avalon Hill's Diplomacy
*   1R14   -- Filks
*   1R15   -- Imperial College Science Fiction Society
*   1R16   -- Real Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, The
*   1R17   -- Telephones
*   1R18   -- Assembly Language
*   2R13   -- Clegg, Paul Jason
*   2R14   -- Country Music
*   2R15   -- Vineland, New Jersey, USA, Earth
*   2R16   -- Telephone Bills
*   2R17   -- Watermelon Rituals
*   2R18   -- Windows
*   2R19   -- IRC, Internet Relay Chat
*
*


%t Avalon Hill's Diplomacy
%n 1R13
%s The board game of Diplomacy
%a Robert Schone  ([e-mail])
%d 19920120
%i Diplomacy, Avalon Hill's
%e
Diplomacy is a board game of "International Intrigue," trademarked by
Avalon Hill.  In its introduction it is described as "a relatively
simple game in principle, but complex in execution."  This is very true,
however it is significant that the second half of the statement is truer
than the first.

The first problem you will encounter with Diplomacy is the rules.  These
are split, by Avalon Hill, into fourteen sections.  I split them into two
sections -- the section you will understand on the first reading, and the
section you will have to read 42 times to even begin to understand.
Unfortunately, the first section is approximately 5.5 lines, and the
second section is 11 pages, less 5.5 lines.  Persevere.  Play a sample
game or twenty, until you understand the rules.

The big "thing" with Diplomacy is that there are _no_ elements of
chance.  So the cover of the rules tells us.  "Diplomacy is a game of
skill and cunning negotiations.  Chance plays no part."  The first page
then proceeds to inform you of the first (admittedly only) element of
chance.  But this is what Diplomacy is all about:  lying until you have
to tell the truth.

The "chance" is which power you will play.  Diplomacy (standard
Diplomacy, that is) is played on a European map.  The seven Great Powers
are England, Russia, Turkey, Austria, Italy, France and Germany.
Different people will tell you different things about which powers
are better.  However, take note that there is a reason why the person
who is assigned Italy will look glum for a while.  (Usually until they
are eliminated from the game.)

The board is divided into "provinces."  These can be land, sea, or
coastal.  Each power is made up of five to seven provinces.  This doesn't
matter.  What does matter is how many "supply centers" you own.  A supply
center is a special case province, as it contains a little black dot.
And you get one unit (army or fleet) for every little black dot you own.
Every power starts with 3 little black dots, except Russia, which starts
with 4.  New players often wonder why Russia starts with one extra.  If
they start by playing Russia, as I did, they find out relatively
quickly.

The general gist of the game is to move your armies and fleets around
the board in a bid to control as many little black dots as possible.
Remember that you get one army or fleet for each dot.  If you start
losing them to other players, you start losing your units.  Should,
however, you gain 18, Europe is magically yours.   This leads to an
interesting problem.  To win, you basically have to overpower everyone.
But you cannot do this by yourself.  The solution is to "stab" people.
This is where you start to lose friends.  (Did I forget to mention this
earlier?)

Playing the game actually centers around diplomacy.  Before each move,
you have 15 minutes to talk with the other players, make alliances, and
decide to attack other people.  You then have 5 minutes to write down
your moves.  The trick is to tell someone you are doing one thing, but
actually to do another.  The second trick is to do it at the right time,
causing them the most damage, and giving you the most profit.  The third
trick is to do it to them before they do it to you.  The fourth trick,
and possibly the most difficult, is to make sure they still talk to you
afterwards.

In a nutshell, you can't win the game by yourself, but you can only win
the game by yourself.

Because of this, the primary skill a good Diplomacy player must have is
the ability to lie convincingly.  There is a good reason that there
exists a document entitled "Diplomacy Players' Top Ten Favorite Lies."

There exist over 600 Diplomacy "variants."  These are games which change
either the rules, or the map.  Or both.  There are even variants which
remove the diplomacy from Diplomacy -- you don't know who the other
players are, and you cannot talk to them.  (Naturally, this does not
work very well if you play with friends, but can be implemented well if
you play by mail or e-mail, sending all your moves to a Game Master, who
will process them.)

There are many Diplomacy games being played over the InterNet.  These
are generally played via computer programs that take commands from
players from e-mail.  A good place to start is the UseNet group
rec.games.diplomacy, but if you do want to play, you will probably want
your own copy of the game and rules.
%e
*EOA*


%t Filks
%n 1R14
%s I fought the Borg, and the Borg won.
%a Alexander Lachlan McLintock  ([e-mail])
%d 19930120
%i Science Fiction Folk Songs
%i alt.music.filk
%e
Filks are science fiction folk songs.  Popular myth is that someone mistyped
"folk" at a convention and the word "filk" stood.

A prime example of a filk is the one included below.  This song was posted
on alt.music.filk (or on the FidoNet echo moderated by Kay Shapero).  I
believe that Ellen would approve of this re-publication of her song.

        "I Fought the Borg"
        ===================
        (sung to the tune of "I Fought the Law")
        by Ellen Edgerton

        Met a cube-shaped ship near Deneb 1,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won.

        Had my phaser set on maximum stun,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won.

        Fired all my photons in surprise attack,
        I thought that they were done --
        But they regenerated and kept coming back,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won.

        Went to Warp 9.9 and tried to run,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won.

        Tried to get more power but I had none,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won.

        Tried a suicide dive to scare them away,
        Right into a sun,
        But the bastards got me with a tractor ray,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won.

        Now I'm Locutis and it ain't no fun,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won.
%e
*EOA*


%t Imperial College Science Fiction Society
%n 1R15
%s ICSF
%a Alexander Lachlan McLintock  ([e-mail])
%d 19930120
%i Science Fiction Society, Imperial College
%i ICSF
%e
Imperial College Science Fiction Society is one of the largest social clubs
at Imperial.  Its main function is to store a library of >2500 books.  These
are kept at the "ICSF library" which can be found below Beit Quad, at
basement level, behind a door with a sign saying "beware of the leopard."

This fact is often lost on first year students who totally fail to find this
room, thus failing the second intelligence test of starting college.  The
first is, of course:  "How do I get my library text-books before everyone
else?"

The third intelligence test involves members of the opposite sex.
Unfortunately the ICSF library is particularly unsuitable for such enquiry
as the male to female ratio usually ranges around the 7 to 1 mark.  This is
_slightly_ worse than that of Imperial as a whole.  (Although I am speaking
from the male standpoint I am told that it is just as bad for the female
students.  The general solution is to get a steady boyfriend and make sure
everyone knows about him.)

There is some debate as to whether the third test involves finding the Union
Bar, and purchasing large quantities of alcohol.  This argument is
undecided.  However it is nearby and so rare members of the society can
display prowess in both third tests simultaneously.

Communication with the Committee of ICSF is through various primitive means.
E-mail is frowned upon as no one left in the committee is smart enough to do
a computer degree.  Post to:

          ICSF c/o Imperial College Union,
          Beit Hall,
          Prince Consort Road,
          South Kensington,
          SW7 2BZ
          United Kingdom.

(definition of a committee:
A creature with more than six legs, and no brain -- Lazarus Long)

The society aims at producing at least one one-day convention per year.  It
regularly fails to get much enthusiasm from the general bulk of the members
who have never been to a science fiction convention.

In case you were wondering, Imperial College is a large part of the
University of London.  Its E-mail domain is .ic.ac.uk.  Its not so bad so
long as you choose a course you enjoy.
%e
*EOA*


%t Real Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, The
%n 1R16
%s Earth Computer Pretends To Be "The Hitchhiker's Guide"
%a Alexander Lachlan McLintock   ([e-mail])
%d 19930120
%x Origins Of The Guide
%x Article Writing Guide For Field Researchers And Guide Editors
%i Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, The Real
%e
"The Real Hitchhikers Guide to The Galaxy" is a computer-based encyclopedia
which runs on David Hodges' ex-Atari.  The entries to this guide have been
written by science fiction fans from all over the world over several years.

The entries are on topics humorous to the Hitchhiker / Dr. Who / Blake's 7 /
science fiction / fantasy / telefantasy fans.  There is no restriction on
entry.  As long as Dave thinks it is half-funny, and he can be bothered to
type it, it goes in.  There are entries on Sex, Towels, Bugblatter Beasts of
Traal, Universities, Exams, and many other topics.

David takes his computer to science fiction conventions on invitation and
traditionally produces a printout of the guide for auction (proceeds go to
the convention charity).  The convention goers can consult the (computer)
guide at their leisure, accompanied by sounds from the tv series.  The
printout is, of course, yours to peruse at your leisure, in bed, in the
bath, during free fall sex, or whatever.

Over 10 printouts exist.  Not bad considering that each one takes around two
days to print, on draft, on a standard micro printer.  There are some 400+
entries, each being a screen of text.  This figure was correct around 1992,
but the guide is growing all the time.

Three printouts that I have heard about have sold for:

          30 pounds sterling -- bought by Imperial Science Fiction Society.
          18 pounds.
          42 pounds and 42 pence -- bought by Massy Harper, also of
            Imperial College.

No electronic copies of the guide are produced as this would result in many
pirated copies, removing the exclusivity of the guide, and invalidating its
usefulness to charity.

Copyright:

The occasional entry quoting material in the Hitchhikers' trilogy has been
allowed by Douglas Adams.  There is a signed statement from DNA saying so
(It is displayed prominently, along with other signatures of famous people
who have read some of the Guide).  The purpose of the Guide is only to raise
money for charity, and NOT to make oodles of money for anyone else.  This
does not mean that the Guide is a version of any of these books/TV/radio
series.  (It isn't.)

Send Mail To:

David Hodges' Guide has, by the way, nothing to do with any Guide currently
on the internet such as those discussed in alt.galactic-guide.  If you wish
to write an entry for the Guide (eg. the one you were about to send to
[e-mail] or [e-mail]), please send it to Dave
at:

          David Hodges
          68 Gotch Rd
          Barton Seagrave
          Kettering
          Northhants
          NN15 6UQ
          United Kingdom

Please note that no copies of this guide are sent out via post.  This would
cost a fortune and be far too much trouble.

By the way, the computer was based on an Atari but has been moved into a
metal travelling case to protect the hard-disks and prototype hardware
donated by Atari.  It has been to Australia and back so it must be pretty
tough.
%e
*EOA*


%t Telephones
%n 1R17
%s Some Advice to Help You Use One Properly
%a Dennis Holmes  ([e-mail])
%d 19920120
%x Definitely Correct Speech
%x Telephone Bills
%i Phones
%i Emergency Tips Utilizing Telephones
%e
The telephone system is a remarkable communications network that has been
successfully and properly implemented on most civilized planets except
Earth.  Because of this unfortunate situation, you may find the following
pointers helpful when placing calls to, from, or between locations on Earth.

PLACING A CALL

The first thing you will need to place a telephone call is an area code.  An
area code is a series of random digits assigned to a particular country,
state or province, region, city, street, building, floor, room, telephone,
or point in space.  The best way to obtain an area code is to call the party
you wish to reach and ask them to call you back five minutes ago and tell it
to you.  However, on Earth this is widely regarded as impossible, and so you
may be better off to simply punch one at random and hope for the best.

The next thing you will need is an actual telephone number.  This is,
naturally, a series of random digits assigned to a particular country, state
or province, region, city, street, building, floor, room, telephone, point
in space, or even a person.  After you dial the area code, you should
proceed with dialing the digits of the telephone number.  Order is not
important, as the destination of your call has been decided in advance by
the telephone company's computers.

WRONG NUMBERS

The best thing to do if you dial the wrong number is to rave furiously at
the answering party about how they have their telephone connected
improperly and insist that they contact the telephone company and change
their phone number immediately.  Unless, of course, the answering party is a
member of the telephone company, in which case your best recourse is simply
to quote passages from _The Guide_ at them until they hang up.  Employees of
the telephone company are highly trained by masters in the art of Definitely
Correct Speech, and entering into an argument with one of them would,
besides being completely pointless, require serious psychiatric
rehabilitation to repair the resulting damage to your (a) ego and (b)
perceptions of reality.

BILLING ERRORS

Here is what you should do if you detect an error on your billing statement:
Forget about it.  Simply pay the amount shown in the "Amount Due" box and be
done with the matter.  It is a little-known fact that the methods employed
in producing telephone bills are an offshoot of the science of
Bistromathics, and thus the numbers printed on them are completely
incomprehensible to anyone but (possibly) the telephone company's computers.
Most of the actual meaningful information on the bill is also printed in a
language invented by these same computers, so there is really nothing to be
done about it except to let the computers have their fun.

TROUBLESHOOTING

If your telephone does not work properly, you should immediately purchase a
new one and relocate to another country, state or province, region, city,
street, building, floor, room, or point in space to have it installed by the
telephone company.  Do not attempt to tell them that your telephone does not
work, as they will simply tell you that it does and that will be the end of
it.  Just tell them politely that you need an additional telephone and would
they please come and install it next Tuesday morning.  This is the only
known method of communicating productively with the telephone company.  You
will of course need to be available on Thursday afternoon when they perform
the installation.

EMERGENCIES

Chances are you'll never need this service, but in the event of an
emergency, in most places you can now pick up any telephone and dial 119.
(Again, order is not important.)  You will then be connected with someone
who already knows more about you, your location, and what is going on in the
universe than you could possibly relate verbally before the crisis is over,
so under most circumstances you can simply dial the number and listen to
soothing messages until you die.  You see, these people are so amazingly in
touch with the universe that they will anticipate most crises and either
send help or avert them in advance.  If you actually find yourself in a
crisis with no help in sight, then chances are that nothing can be done
anyhow, so you might as well relax.  On the other hand, if you happen to be
walking along and see an ambulance parked up the street with the engine
running, perhaps you'd best choose another route.
%e
*EOA*


%t Assembly Language
%n 1R18
%s Fast, efficient, and it does exactly what you tell it.
%a Vincent Joseph Shuta  ([e-mail])
%d 1993120
%x JSP Programming Language
%i Assembler
%e
Assembly language programming is one of the most powerful methods of
programming a computer.  It works one step above the level of the computer.
That is, instead of writing a program that says "print this character on the
screen when such and such a condition is met" you write a program that says
"put the number $A6 at address $E510 when the flag at $1023 becomes a one."
Actually, this isn't entirely true.  Which addresses and numbers are
appropriate varies wildly from computer to computer (or, microcontroller
to microcontroller.  The actual semantics of whether to say computer or
microcontroller are just that -- semantics.  Generally, microcontrollers
are used with devices and computers are used for number-crunching).

Assembly programs generally use numbers in base 16, also known as
hexadecimal, due to the fact that the physical structure of most computers
is based on grouping the individual switches in groups of 8.  Thus it is
very easy to go from the switch patterns to the hexadecimal numbers.

The commands are very short, and the computer does exactly what you
tell it.  The advantage to this is that the executables are extremely small
and fast.  To give you an idea of the speed gains, an assembly program will
generally run 2 to 4 times faster than a comparable C/C++ program, and
orders of magnitude faster than many other languages.

One of the disadvantages of assembly is, the computer does exactly what
you tell it.  That is, if you think you're telling it one thing, and you're
actually telling it another, the results are going to be quite different
than what you expect.  Usually, they're dramatically different, and nine
times out of ten they involve an infinite loop somewhere you didn't expect
it.

This brings us to the second disadvantage.  Due to the short and direct
nature of the syntax, debugging your own program can be difficult.  Even
trying to figure out what someone else's program is attempting to do can
take so much time that it's often easier to start from scratch.  And the
slightest mistake will mean the program won't work properly.  Only very
rarely will it even do anything close.  This is simply because of the direct
nature of the commands.  The only way around this is to document the program
far more than one would deem necessary; every line if possible.

Thus assembly language can be considered an extremely fast, powerful,
and efficient language.  But one should be alert for the potential
difficulties assembly language can present.
%e
*EOA*


%t Clegg, Paul Jason
%n 2R13
%s Just a frood who knows where his towel is
%a Paul Jason Clegg  ([e-mail])
%d 19930105
%x Article Writing Guide For Field Researchers And Guide Editors
%x Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute
%i Paul Jason Clegg
%i [e-mail]
%e
Paul Jason Clegg was born sometime in the afternoon of July 28th, 1973,
Earth time.  He was born in an entirely uninteresting city known as
Vineland, New Jersey, USA, Earth.  But that's in the past, and,
unfortunately, cannot be changed.

Paul, however, does hold the distinction of being Editor number 1 for
Project Galactic Guide, and holds the non-corporeal position of general
coordinator for the same project.

This is probably the only thing special about Paul; he currently stands
at a tall, but not entirely unnatural height of 6.25 feet, and weighs
a completely unimportant 155 pounds, depending on the time of day and
day of year.  His education has amounted to, at this point, three
semesters of study at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, majoring in
Computer Science, and maintaining a semi-respectable grade point average.

His past achievements include, but are not limited to, attending the
New Jersey's Governor's School program (math and science division) in
the summer of 1990, and in being the youngest person to ever pass any
and several college courses at Cumberland County College.  The latter
achievements included passing a course in BASIC programming at the age
of ten, a course in electronics at age eleven, and a course in "College
Math" at age twelve.  He also passed a course in Pascal programming at
age 16, but that isn't nearly as impressive.

Paul's interests vary; he particularly likes science fiction books, TV
shows, and movies, he listens to almost all kinds of music, though he
tends to shun country western, rap, dance/club music, and the "big band"
sounds of old.  His favorite musical group, by far, is Queen.  Paul's
hobbies include computer programming, role-playing games, painting
miniatures, playing wargames, and working on Project Galactic Guide, the
latter of which he's put entirely too much effort into already.

You can contact Paul currently via electronic mail, addressing your
message to "[e-mail]" (sans quotes).
%e
*EOA*


%t Country Music
%n 2R14
%s Mostly Uninteresting
%a Paul Jason Clegg  ([e-mail])
%d 19930106
%x Radio
%i Western Music
%e
Country music (sometimes called "Country Western," though that's basically
redundant but those who listen to it usually don't care about redundancy,
or care about it, either) is hard to characterize.  Unless you like it,
you hate it intensely.  If you like it, you probably hate everything else
intensely.  While several country music groups have tried to slide their
style into a more acceptable niche, they've only met with limited success.

If you see people playing music, you can probably calculate that they are
playing country music if you sense an inordinate number of cowboy boots,
cowboy hats, women with chunky thighs, sequins, tassels, and fringe.  The
elderly also seems to be a prevalent subsection of the audience for
country music.

If you take pride in your ability to be sensical, sane, and generally
happy, you have been warned to stay away from country music.
%e
*EOA*


%t Vineland, New Jersey, USA, Earth
%n 2R15
%s The nowhere in the middle of everything
%a Paul Jason Clegg  ([e-mail])
%d 19930106
%x Clegg, Paul Jason
%x Earth
%e
Vineland is an entirely uninteresting town/city.  While it is the largest
city in New Jersey by land area, it isn't nearly as big population-wise.
It's located smack in the middle of the New Jersey peninsula, in the middle
of the area known by the locals as "South Jersey" (those who live in "North
Jersey" are ignorant of any land south of Trenton, and therefore their
concept of "South Jersey" is between the horizontal line starting at Camden
and the north to Trenton).

The inhabitants of Vineland range from the poor to the rich, with members
of almost every possible culture.  A few years ago, the local high school
had calculated that one-half of the students who attended were of a
minority, the other half being caucasian.

The main street through the city, Landis Avenue, has deteriorated to being
a way to get from point A to point B with lots of traffic lights in between.
The businesses that are situated there usually cater to the center city
residents, who are usually low-income minorities.  There are, however, lots
of suburbs where the income is generally average to above average, and
there are even more than a handful of "mansions" scattered about.

There are several small motels in the area, but most of them are somewhat
filled by homeless people that the city has put there "temporarily."  There
is a Ramada Inn just off of route 55, but this hitchhiker has never actually
gone in to investigate.  The Inn's outward appearance is good, however, so
it is probably a good place to stay if you need to stay at all and can
afford to do so.

There is only one "highway" that leads out of Vineland; route 55 leads from
Vineland north-northwest towards Camden and Philadelphia.  Other than that,
the nearest major highways are at least a half-hour drive by motorized
vehicle; to the north is the Atlantic City Expressway, travelling east-west
between Philadelphia and Atlantic City, to the east is the Garden State
Parkway, running north-south along the coast, and to the west there are
quite a few major highways, most notably the New Jersey Turnpike which
runs north-south between Wilmington (Delaware) and New York City (New York).

Don't hitchhike through Vineland; it's not worth it.  And definitely not at
night.

Places of interest:  I counted at least three McDonald's, two Burger Kings,
one Roy Roger's, one Friendly's, one Pizza Hut, and two Domino's Pizzas.
If you must stay and eat, good suggestions are Sammy J's, at the Shop-Rite
plaza on the northern end of Landis Avenue, and the Neptune, on Delsea
Drive.  The former is a retro-style ice cream parlor type of place that also
does very good, relatively quick meals.  The latter is a seafood restaurant
that you will want to sit down and wait for.

The only other redeeming feature of Vineland is that it's about an hour from
the Wilmington area of Delaware, about 2.5 hours from New York City, an hour
and a half from "North Jersey", an hour from the gambling areas of Atlantic
City (and, in fact, many of South Jersey's fine beaches), and an hour from
Philadelphia.
%e
*EOA*


%t Telephone Bills
%n 2R16
%s Information about a Terran communication device bill
%a Cem Unsal  ([e-mail])
%d 19920113
%x Earth
%x Telephones
%i MCI phone bill
%e
For those who are familiar with Terran ways (Oh God! I'm a smart ass!),
phone bills are one of the most important parts of the daily, er, monthly
Terran life.  In a nutshell, you get the bill by mail (ie, Terran mail,
which is still performed by humanoids and with the use of 5 + 4 digit zip
codes, as in the primitive days of the central Galaxy), you open it up,
see the payment page, cry, and send the money (probably still crying,
depending on the number of digits in the "amount due" rectangle).

Don't even think about throwing the first page away; you're required to
"send it with your payment."  And it may not be such a sad experience;
you can still amuse yourself by filling the "amount paid" squares, say,
by different colors.  This page is also the most important and
"informant" page of your bill.  It has your name (or your roommate's
name), your phone number with an additional 5 digits, your address (by
the way, you can learn the additional 4 digits of your zip code from
your phone bill... or from any other bill for that matter; remember,
this is the information age around this planet), a couple of parallel
lines, horizontal and vertical, which are -- I'm sure -- really
important, and a fairly long number at the bottom, with 59 digits.

For those who are now taken by the dark forces of curiosity, let me
explain to you what all this stuff is, although I'm not sure about the
exact nature of this final number myself.

The first three digits don't make any sense to you (or me); the next
three digits are your area code (ie, your phone's area code); then,
an unnecessary zero and your phone number, followed by three familiar
numbers from your account number.  Then, a couple (actually, four) of
nonsense digits and the last two digits of your account.  Then comes three
zeros and six mystery digits, a "train" of zeros with the amount
due embedded in it (14436 in "this" case).  Why 59 digits, you ask?
It is proved in [1] that 59 digits are sufficient to represent all
communication accounts in sixteen parallel universes.  If you can
bring yourself to see the other pages after you digest the total
amount due, the next page is Page One.  (Thus, we conclude payment = 0;
therefore, for any real n, (n * payment) = 0, which makes sense in most
cases.)

Page One shows your last bill total, your previous payment, and current
charges.  If your last bill total -- your previous payment -- is zero, you
get a "thank-you-for-your-payment" message.  "Current charges" shows you
local and long-distance totals (by the way, on Earth, long distance doesn't
mean what it sounds, probably because no one has tried to call a number
in any other galaxy) and concludes with "Subtotal" which is actually
the over-all total.

Then comes the second (third) page, which is some type of a manual to your
phone bill.  It explains (in "this" specific example your author tries
to understand) those nice little "amount paid" boxes on the first, no,
zero'th page.  That is "important information."

OK, now we're looking at Page Three.  The local call charges are shown:
monthly charges, services not regulated by the State Corporated Commission
(which means you're paying this amount for nothing), federal subscriber line
charge (which I, myself, wasn't able to understand), local 911 tax, relay
center surcharge (which seems highly unnecessary) and, local and federal
taxes.  You may be lost at this point.  They know you are, that's why they
explain that you can call the number on this page and ask.  "They are
easiest to reach on Tues through Thurs."  (What are Tues and Thurs?  Write
it correctly, guys, you have three more -- empty -- lines below.)

Page Four comes with two unnecessary lines of "rate key" and that's it.
And this the work of the people who try to save some paper by typing
"Tues" instead of "Tuesday."

Page Five summarizes long distance calls and includes federal tax, state
and local surcharges (which, I believe, should read "sur^3charges".  Aren't
we surcharged somewhere on Page Three?)  Pages Six through Ten list your
long distance calls: time, place, number, whatever.  (By the way, all these
numbers can change, especially on the last part since not much of you guys
call long distance more than me.)  Check these pages carefully; you won't
believe your eyes ("Call to NYC at 01:55am?"; "Who talked to Turkey for 42
minutes?  Oh, OK, that's mine"; "Where the hell is Kensington?"; "Hey guys,
this means that we used the phone non-stop for four-and-a-half hours on
Nov. 18th, nice!"; "God! I can't believe I called this guy in Pittsburgh 11
times in December!"; "What is this?  Got an 'F' next to it and it still
costs me 3 dollars!" [Remember it's never late to switch back]) [2].

At the end of the long distance list, you get the definitions of the
abbreviations which you may encounter while trying to figure out what
is/was/will be what. ("Hey, this 'V' means 'free speech call.' How come we
never get one of these?  And, what is the exact meaning of 'free speech call'
anyway?  Does this mean we can say whatever we want?")

And on Page Ten, a word from your long distance company... You can send
your friends and family gift certificates instead of -- simply -- calling
them.  And, also lots of registered mark signs.  Some guy came up with the
phrase "calling circle" and it's a registered trademark.  What can I say?
Brilliant!  Ah, and this number for gift certificates... 1-800-395-GIVE.
Why not make it easier to remember, something like... 1-800-111-GIVE,
1-800-MCI-GIVE, or 1-800-ASS-****.  ("Come on guys, you're the phone
company!")  "Thank you and happy holidays from MCI friends and family."
Oh-oh, not that close, you're just my long distance carrier, that's all.

Hey, they even provide the envelope!

[1] M.S. Lauren, K.H. Zupta, "An application of large number theory and
    stochastic processes: Bell Atlantic Phone Bills", Trans. Comm. Syst.
    40(1987)576.

[2] "Life on the Communication Devices: Selected horror stories" Ed.
    by C. Unsal,  pp.101-114,  Xtrablatrum & Descendants Pub. Ltd. 1992.
%e
*EOA*


%t Watermelon Rituals
%n 2R17
%s Yet another bizarre watermelon ritual, this time from the antipodes.
%a David McGregor Squire  ([e-mail])
%d 19921222
%i University of Melbourne, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
%x Watermelons
%e
Here is another ritualistic use of Watermelons, also practiced on Earth,
albeit "downunder."  But first, some background.

At Melbourne University (Melbourne, Victoria, Australia), there are
several residential colleges.  These colleges play sport against each other.
Now, this serves several purposes.  First, there are those members of the
college who enjoy the playing the sport involved.  For them, the sport is an
end in itself.  Second, there are those who wish to use the sport as a means
of being noticed (by the opposite sex, the same sex, or perhaps even the
Master).  These sorts of things are no doubt much the same the world over.

The most important reason for the playing of sport, however, is that it
gives the non-participating members of the colleges involved the opportunity
to dress up in their college's colors and scream abuse at each other -
immense fun.  This activity can be most agreeably combined with - ALCOHOL.

This behavior reaches its pinnacle on Men's Rowing Day.  The rowing takes
place on the Yarra River in the center of Melbourne.  It is compulsory
(almost) for all members of the rowing colleges to lash all lectures,
pracs, etc. for the day, dress up, put on face paint etc. in college
colors, assemble on the banks of the river, sing songs, and get
mind-buggeringly drunk.

One college, of which I am a member (and have been for years), is called
Queen's.  Queen's is a puzzle to the other colleges, who amuse themselves by
trying to get the members of other colleges wet, and attempting to drown out
the other's songs, perhaps even by (shudder) throwing things at each other.
A couple of years ago, Queen's decided to cut out the middle man and stuff
themselves up, thus assuring themselves of the title "Messiest College
on the Crescent".  This is where (finally) the watermelons come in.

Someone from Queen's brought a watermelon to the rowing.  It was opened
(presumably with a knife).  So far so normal.  The pieces were then
distributed amongst various drunken Queener's (residents of Queen's).  Now,
no-one is exactly sure why what happened next happened.  The pieces were
head-butted.  There ensued an orgastic frenzy of melon-butting, and the air
was filled with a fine red mist of melon juice.  Melon segments were
enthusiastically smashed over peoples heads by their mates, and the red
juice covered their faces and matted their hair.  This single-melon incident
spawned the ritual that now takes place.

Trailer-loads of watermelons are procured by senior members of Queen's and
delivered to the river early on Men's Rowing Day.  At intervals throughout
the day, the Melon-Butting Ritual takes place.  Melons are broken open and
the pieces solemnly distributed.  Freshmen allow the senior members of
College to have the biggest, juiciest pieces.  The Melon-Butters (mostly
male) form orderly lines, and the President of the College gives the
command: "Queener's - Butt your melons".  Each Melon-Butter slams his melon
piece onto the top of his head in unison, and melon juice sprays
magnificently over the nearest spectators.  The lines then break up and
people hold the remnants of their melon for others to butt.  This is all
done with great enthusiasm and evident enjoyment.

The biggest, toughest bloke in a given year may them perform the most
impressive melon-ritual -- the butting open of a whole, uncut, watermelon.
He needs to have a hard head and a strong neck, and to be absolutely pissed
out of his mind.

The students of other colleges simply stare in disbelief.  They have no
comeback.  How can you abuse a bunch of people who do *that* to themselves?
%e
*EOA*


%t Windows
%n 2R18
%s Sure you can see through 'em, but so what?
%a Alex Miller  ([e-mail])
%d 19930208
%e
Windows are important.  They fit in holes in the walls, so that there isn't
a draft.  They also allow us to see the outside world, where someone may be
stealing your brand-new, incredibly expensive car.

Why are windows made of glass?  Well, basically because glass is clear and
reasonably sturdy stuff.  Windows are typically made clear so that you are
able to see whether some guy is in fact stealing your car.  Of course, you
may ask, why were windows made clear before cars were invented to be stolen?
Frankly, it's a mystery.  Research is being conducted at several prestigious
universities.  Another important quality of glass is that it is much more
solid than, say, water.  If windows were made of water they just wouldn't
work right.

An unfortunate side-effect of the clearness of windows is the fact that the
guy stealing your car can also see whether or not you are sitting in your
office, watching him steal your car and getting a description of him.  This
is why many criminals carry guns.  This is also why many offices are now
equipped with multiple turret-mounted machine guns.  But that's another
story.  Anyway, this side-effect can be fixed in several ways, most
commonly by covering the interior of the window at times when the window
is really superfluous or unwished for.  Methods include drapes, shutters,
and venetian blinds.  (The people in Venice need blinds because they use
water for their windows.  This also why they have canals instead of streets.
I warned you that water just doesn't work right when used as a window.)
Another important method is one-sided glass.  This is really neat, because
you can only see through it one way.  No one is sure how this works either.

A popular style of window used for religious or decorative purposes is
stained glass, which combines pieces of colored glass in such a way as to
produce a pattern or picture.  When the light shines through the glass, a
pleasant (some say) image occurs.  Unfortunately, stained glass can rarely
be seen through.  This is why people who go to church are poor -- they
can't see people stealing their cars, and thus are forced ever lower on the
economic scale.

Windows are also significant when broken.  Often children are responsible
for this.  Occasionally, however, some irresponsible pilot breaks a certain
thing called the sound barrier, causing another thing called a sonic boom,
which can shatter windows.  (This is significant, but will not be discussed
here.)  Broken glass contains sharp edges and can be quite painful if
jabbed into any part of the body.  Do not try this unless you are really
stupid (I still wouldn't recommend it, even if you are stupid).

I find windows to be quite attractive and all together more useful than
quite a few other things, like chickens.
%e
*EOA*


%t IRC, Internet Relay Chat
%n 2R19
%s Internet Relay Chat
%a Steven K. H. Siew  ([e-mail])
%d 19930124
%i Computer network chit chat
%e
Also known as Sim Social Life, this virtual world of mindless chit
chat is currently only available to hitchhikers who manage to gain
access to the Internet.  Apart from being an almost complete waste of
bandwidth, IRC also serves to bring people of the rich world much
closer together.  Users of IRC are commonly known as "lusers"
(that's lusers with an U not an O) as demonstrated by the command
"/lusers"

*** There are 515 lusers and 195 invisible on 91 servers
*** 57 lusers have connection to the twilight zone
*** There are 251 channels.
*** I have 30 clients and 1 servers

And here female hitchhikers can enjoy "playing" with the lame IRC
guys without the fear of contracting any VD or viruses except, of
course, the RSI due to staring at the VDU too long or accidentally
catching a network virus or, even worse, horrible worms.

A good starting point for fellow hitchhikers is the channel #talk
where one can pick up conversations varying from diverse topics
ranging from movies to dinner talk, sex to tuition fees, name calling
to fishing, exams to programming, and so on.

A thing to be careful about for any hitchhikers going on the IRC is
that sometimes it's difficult to tell the sex of the other lusers.
Some male lusers have known to pretend to be a female for kicks.  Like
wise but not often, females do the same.

Lusers on the IRC are identified by their "nick"; for example: Internet,
Kalei, Hazel, drnobody, ramin, SIO, squell and so on.  The nick is
totally independent of their real name.  It's like a fantasy world
out there in IRC with gandalf, wintrmute, count0, aragorn, ford and
of course GOD around.

If you are a male, DO NOT, REPEAT, DO NOT choose a nick that sounds
like a female name unless you want sex-starved maniacs to pester you
about bodily pleasures of the most explicit kind.

<Kalei> Inter: They say silly stuff like (these are DIRECT quotes)
"Hey Kalei, U feelin' horny tonight?"
<Kalei> or "Kalei.  You have a beautiful name.  Come join me..."

... or worse (in fact more often worse).

In time you may become addicted to the IRC.  Repeat: the IRC is very
addictive, with thousand of computer faculties across the globe
banning IRC from their students.  Despite the efforts, this terminal
disease still manages to spread its crappy addictive time-wasting
urges into the hearts and souls of many young innocent users, turning
them into hardcore IRC lusers.  IF THIS DOES NOT FRIGHTEN YOU then
you are already hooked.

But there is worse to come.  Even if you are hooked for life, NEVER,
NEVER, NEVER under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES fall in love with another
luser.  The consequences are painful to say the least; this is
especially true if the one you fall in love is more than 1000 miles
away.  Before long you may find yourself singing:

  I would walk 500 miles
  And I would walk 500 more
  Just to see your face and lovely smile
  And to touch you where I can't before

Here is a transcript of an early IRC record by a drnobody on his home
brew IRC client by the name of ReTardis:

drnobody> Hello DD
drnobody> What does DD stand for?
:DD> Diamond Dave
drnobody> I have to perfect my ReTardis
:DD> kinda like Dave, a girl's best friend
drnobody> Lots of bugs
:DD> what the hell is a retardis
drnobody> really eccentric Tardis
drnobody> I hope you know what a Tardis is
:DD> *lost*
drnobody> Tardis = Time And Relative Dimension In Space
:DD> sorry no idea
drnobody> Don't you watch Dr Who?
:DD> OK what ever
drnobody> Actually ReTardis is an IRC Client
:DD> nope sorry I watch girls
drnobody> naked girls?
:DD> yeah when the beer flows freely on the boat
drnobody> what boat?
:DD> the boat I'm on now
drnobody> You are on a boat?
drnobody> How did you connect to irc?
:DD> cellular phone
drnobody> So cellular phone to university to irc eh?
:DD> that's the ticket
drnobody> Must have cost a lot
:DD> about 3 mil
drnobody> What's a mil?  Million or the local currency?
:DD> million
drnobody> Who's paying?
:DD> my dad
drnobody> Are you rich or what?
:DD> nah not really
drnobody> I have to reset all my controls
:DD> I own a 5000 acre ranch
drnobody> So what are you studying in University?
drnobody> you are not from Finland are you?
:DD> I don't go to school I design automation systems for Bryan Foods
:DD> no
drnobody> Where are you from then?
:DD> starkville ms is my home
drnobody> Where is ms?
:DD> where are you from
drnobody> Australia
:DD> ahh I'm from the USA
drnobody> Where in US?
:DD> state of mississippi
:DD> southern state
drnobody> Is your boat at sea or river
:DD> I'm on a river right now headed for my home port; just left the
gulf of mexico two weeks ago
drnobody> hold on I am trying to find it in the atlas
:DD> ok look at the southeast corner of the us
drnobody> I am still trying to find your place.
drnobody> Where is your home town?
:DD> have you found mississippi??
drnobody> Yes,
drnobody> How long have you been at sea?  or river?
:DD> my home is in the northeast corner of the state
drnobody> Near Tupelo?
drnobody> My atlas is not a very clear or detail one.
:DD> south of there
:DD> it is about 80 miles south of there
drnobody> Must be a nice place to live.
drnobody> What do you have on your ranch?
:DD> my home port is just north of columbus
:DD> cattle about 2000 head at present
drnobody> I only have Cleveland, Greensville, Greenwood, Yazoo City
drnobody> on the atlas.
drnobody> Hello world!
drnobody> DD: Is that your Boat?
:DD> do you see the river that runs from mobile, alabama (gulf)
to tennessee?
drnobody> Is that the Tombigbee river?
:DD> yes that's it
drnobody> OOH I get it.  Thanks
:DD> ahh starkvillian here
:DD> hmmm I don't think so; I don't go to school and I just moved here
about 6 months ago
drnobody> DD: Where are you originally from?  6 months ago?
:DD> Texas originally
drnobody> DD: own any oil?
:DD> my dad has 5 gas wells
drnobody> DD: You must have a very lucky Dad.
:DD> his dad before him was lucky
drnobody> DD: nice family
drnobody> DD: do you have to take up your family business?
:DD> well I'm into automation programming that is my work
drnobody> DD: sounds good.
drnobody> It's winter right now in Melbourne.
drnobody> Freezing cold!!!!!!


Here is a transcript of IRC as it is today on channel #talk:

IRC log started Sun Jan 24 02:19
*** Value of LOG set to ON
<Sik> choo: too many duplicated bots oping eachother... not good
<Mikeeb> nah I just read tin for junk mail
<Nuclear> boba:  I have a bunch of lewd jokes someone keeps sending me...
<Cholera> choo: I think bot makers get tired after awhile anyway.
<Squell> pan..and what does he want?
*** Strubi ([e-mail]) has joined channel #talk
<Strubi> hi there :)
<Panadol> i bloody well LIVE street away from him... he jus wants to
meet you
<BobaFettt> Nuclear send me anything
<Squell> g'day sturbi
<Smoovy> Hi, strubi!
<Sik> hiya strubi
<choo> cholera, and others then come instead of them
<Mikeeb> Wish I got more mail though
<Nuclear> boba:  would you like me to put you on my joke distribution list?
<BobaFettt> Nuclear: I need to get a good grade in my class
<Strubi> yoo sik ! how's life ? :)
<Nuclear> Hey stubi
<choo> and the total number rises up
<Panadol> he makes a habit of meeting all the local irc girls rl
<Strubi> hi everybody :)
<Sik> strubi: life is so-so :/
<Cholera> choo: I give choo..
<choo> here, i'll go and coun tit out
<Panadol> hiya strub:)
<BobaFettt> Nuclear: Send me Everything you can
<Squell> pan...ick..i dont know about that guy seems weird
<Nuclear> boba non sequitur?
<Strubi> sik, same here....wahhh
<Cholera> choo: Go ahead and ban all the bots.  Im not going to
convince you, and you arent going to convince me,.
<Nuclear> boba:  What are you taking, email 101? *rofl*
<Panadol> no hes not weird, he jus wants to meet you
<choo> brb
<Squell> opan...when did he say that?
*** choo has left channel #talk
*** Action: Sik hugs cal
*** Action: Nuclear agrees with choo
<Panadol> hes met every other local irc girl
<BobaFettt> Nuclear: Computer Communications
<cal> sik...:)
*** Mikeeb is now known as retregsf
<Squell> pan..that guy seems really sly....sad case to be honest
*** Action: Shanny gives SIo a big hug and hopes he feels better
IRC Log ended *** Sun Jan 24 02:21

The future for IRC is hard to predict: will it forever be lost to
the mindless chatter of the nerds, or will it blossom into a more
weirder form of mass hallucination, or better still bring forth world
peace and understanding?  In the years to come IRC may even break
through the 1000 lusers barrier and let loose IRC on the world.
%e
*EOA*


*
*
* SEMI-REAL (Both) ARTICLES -- 9
*
*   2S11   -- Watermelons
*   2S12   -- Work
*   2S13   -- Alien Identification
*   2S14   -- Alien Elimination
*   2S15   -- Kansas City, Missouri, USA, Earth
*   2S16   -- Pizza
*   2S17   -- Plagiarism
*   1S4    -- Definitely Correct Speech
*   1S5    -- Hell
*
*


%t Watermelons
%n 2S11
%s Ritualistic uses for watermelons on two planets
%a Travis J.I. Corcoran  ([e-mail])
%d 19921214
%x Watermelon Rituals
%e
First, let's define what a watermelon is.  Er... no, let's first define
what a watermelon is not.  It is not water, nor is it a melon.
Well, actually, it *is* a melon, but admitting that would screw up
the parallel structure... so let's just agree that its not water or a
melon, OK?  From there, let's talk about what it is... it's
well... now, I can't say it's a melon, can I?  I just told you that
it's not, and we can't have a watermelon being both a melon and a
non-melon, can we?  Hmm.  OK, a watermelon is this big green
egg-shaped sort of thing, you see?  No?  OK, picture a dry, red,
dusty rock about the size of your eyeball.  A watermelon is almost,
but not quite, exactly unlike that rock.

Interestingly enough, watermelons are known to exist on only two
planets in the known universe: Zylo XII, and, er... Earth.  Even
more oddly, members of the dominant species of each planet have been
observed participating in the same ritualistic use of watermelons.

First, let's highlight the similarities between the two rituals:
The rite involves "liberating" a watermelon, climbing to a high
place, saying some words, then throwing the watermelon off the
high place.

Some have raised the objection that these are merely superficial
resemblances, and that the rituals are actually totally different and
unrelated.  These specific (O)bjections are (R)efuted below:

O1.  Zylo XII watermelons are totally unlike Earth watermelons.
R1.  While it may be true that Zylo XII watermelons are
     actually eggs of carnivorous treeworms, and Earth watermelons
     are a kind of fruit, there remains many other similarities that
     conclusively prove that they are more or less the same thing.

O2.  On Zylo XII, the natives steal the watermelons from the nest of
     treeworms; on Earth there are no treeworms.  What gives?
R2.  While, technically speaking, there are no treeworms on
     Earth, this is hardly the fault of the Earth natives, is it?
     Under the unfortunate circumstances, they do the best they can
     and liberate their watermelons from the basements of college
     dining halls. Given the context, it's really more or less the
     same thing.

O3.  On Zylo XII, the watermelon is thrown from the summit
     of the Mountain of the Arrogant Sky Watcher.  There's no such
     mountain on Earth; explain that one away!
R3.  True, there is no MotASW on Earth.  Once again, it is a
     matter of understanding the context, and adjusting
     accordingly.  On Earth, the watermelons are thrown from Cornell
     University's Space Sciences building (alleged home of alleged
     astronomer Carl Sagan).  Follow?

O4.  On Zylo XII, the natives chant for three days, celebrating
     the hunting prowess of their ancestors before they hurl the
     watermelon, after which they are declared full adult members
     of the tribe.  Surely this doesn't happen on Earth?
R4.  Um...yes, that's how it works on Earth too.
%e
*EOA*


%t Work
%n 2S12
%s Earthling's "work" and the result of it to himself and others
%a Sam Craghead  ([e-mail]), ([e-mail])
%d 19921210
%i Occupation
%e
WORK.  This is what the people of Earth engage in for most of their lives.
By "working" they get "money" which they use to buy things which other people
have produced at their WORK.  WORK is also known as an OCCUPATION.  If you
are a worker you get a lot of mail addressed to "occupant".

Some work is called drudgery and is filled with physical toil.  Some
workers work by sitting at their desks writing on bits of paper which they
then pass to other workers like themselves who nod their heads and take
another bit of paper and write on it.  This piece of paper is called a MEMO
and most of their time is spent writing and nodding over memos.  These
workers can practice their nodding while driving to work by placing a doll
in the rear window of their cars, and then observing the nodding technique by
watching the doll nod in the rear view mirror.

This same worker will spend a lot of his workday in meetings (a meeting is a
gathering of memo producers and nodders like himself) where he will nod his
head up and down to much that is said, give a satisfied smile, and leave the
meeting to go to another meeting or go back to his desk to make and nod over
more memos.  This worker will spend a great deal of time telling everyone he
meets how hard he is working.  This latter type of worker will get more money
for his work than the worker who is engaged in physical toil.  This fact
remains inexplicable because the worker who goes to the meetings and works
on "memos" doesn't seem to produce anything which another worker would wish
to buy.  We have never found anyone selling memos.  There just doesn't seem
to be any demand for them except at the workplace, and this demand seems to
be confined to other workers who nod and make and pass memos.

There are some workers, however, who have become so adept at screwing a nut
onto a bolt minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, that they get more
money than either of the other two types of workers.  He is made a member of
a union.

Money is the device used to purchase produced products.  This money consists
of pieces of paper (this paper is much different than a memo as it is
considered to have value) and denotes value above "change".  Change used to
be called "silver" and "copper", but now the "silver" is copper and the
"copper" has been made from aluminum.  The color of each of these particular
items has remained "silver" and "copper".  The reason for this has never been
disclosed.

In some places on Earth, many of the people have found that they do not have
to work at all to get money.  They just identify themselves as "poor,"
"disadvantaged," or as a "victim" of "the system"; they then receive money.
As the number of workers dwindles, and the number of these "poor",
"disadvantaged", or "victims" grows, there will one day be no workers; just
those receiving money by certifying their status as "poor", "disadvantaged",
or "victim".  There is no corresponding group replacing the workers making
products, so when the "poor", "disadvantaged", and "victims" have completely
replaced the workers, there will probably be nothing left to buy except old
memos.  This may be the means for creating a wider demand for that product.
%e
*EOA*


%t Alien Identification
%n 2S13
%s Some methods of Alien Identification.
%a Tomi Suviola  ([e-mail])
%d 19921209
%x Alien Elimination
%i Identification, Alien
%e
Have you ever met an alien?  Probably yes, but you were also probably
unaware of the fact that he/she was an _alien_ (ie, extra-terrestrial).
Here are some ways to identify aliens.

Sure cases of aliens:

         1) If you see someone taking of his skin and revealing a coating
            of scales.

         2) If someone is eating living mice, rats, cats, dogs, horses,
            elephants, humans and cars.

         3) UFOs have landed and something has emerged from it.

Almost sure cases of aliens:

         1) If someone changes his/her appearance very fast.
            (For example, in a phonebooth.)

         2) Someone "loses" his/her pet animals daily/weekly.

         3) Man/woman with three or more hands or/and legs.

         4) Things that make intelligent sounds when touched.

Maybe a case of aliens:

         1) Someone leaves slimy blotch in his/her bed at night.

         2) His/her skin is red, green or blue.

         3) Someone does not look like a normal human.

         4) A person claims to be from outer space.

If you think that someone is an alien be sure before you blast them away.
If there are many, you may call to someone to help.  (Don't call the Police,
since they probably think you are crazy.)  If the aliens are friendly,
Don't Panic.  The only error you can make is to jump to a wrong conclusion.
%e
*EOA*


%t Alien Elimination
%n 2S14
%s Couple hints how to eliminate a hostile alien.
%a Tomi Suviola  ([e-mail])
%d 19930119
%x Alien Identification
%i Eliminating aliens
%e
When you meet hostile aliens, you should probably want to eliminate them
before the whole Earth is covered.  First you have to be (almost) sure it
is an alien you are going to deactivate (see "alien Identification").
Here are some proven methods for exterminating aliens:

         1) Bare fists are in most cases too weak a weapon, unless you are
            a Cyborg.  But in emergency situations they may be the only
            useful way.

         2) Sticks of wood, or some kind of staff, are quite good in close
            combat.  These objects can be found in a local forest.

         3) The most effective close combat weapon is a club or baseball bat.
            Softer aliens may perish while you smash it with a club.  But if
            the alien is armored, you better run.

         4) The best weapon that a normal human can use is some kind of hand
            gun.  For example, a .44 Magnum is likely enough to stop most
            lightly-armored humanlike aliens.

         5) Against groups of aliens, hand grenades are quite good; they
            may not kill them, but should at least injure them.  Some of
            them may only be frightened, but then you have got some time
            to run away.

Eliminating is not always killing.  You may capture and torture the alien,
so it may promise not to come Earth again (if it survived torturing).

If you feel too weak to eliminate an alien, try to find some group powerful
enough to do it for you (and Earth).

Maybe the best solution is to make peace with the aliens instead.
%e
*EOA*


%t Kansas City, Missouri, USA, Earth
%n 2S15
%s Why you should stay away from Kansas City, Missouri
%a Jason Braddy  ([e-mail])
%d 19930120
%i Crown Center
%i KC MO
%x Earth
%e
If, as a hitchhiker, you should ever find yourself in Kansas City, the
first thing you should do is find out what state you are in.  That is
because there are two Kansas Cities -- one in Kansas, and one in
Missouri.  What makes this even more confusing is that both Kansas
Cities are located in more or less the same place, right across the
river from each other.  If you find out that you are in Missouri,
leave (this holds true for other cities in Missouri as well).

In case you are delayed in the process of fleeing Missouri, however,
some words on Kansas City, Missouri (KC MO for short) are in order.  The
first thing to keep in mind when you are in KC MO is that the contrasts
between different areas of the city are extremely sharp.  That is to say,
you could be browsing through a store where a pair of socks cost more than
most people's wardrobes, walk two blocks, and find yourself in the Bronx.
Thus, the key to survival in KC MO is this: don't move.  If where you are
standing seems to be devoid of any immediate danger, stay there until a
native can direct you to the interstate.

Some of the more pleasant areas of KC MO can be enjoyable while you are
waiting for your National Guard escort.  The Plaza area, famous for
its exclusive shops, can be especially fun for those with a well-developed
sense of humor.  Aside from the obligatory clothes-that-must-be-must-
bestow-eternal-life-to-cost-that-much stores, there are many nice
restaurants, which are kind enough to post their menus outside so people
can see ahead of time that air costs ten dollars a breath, with oxygen being
five dollars extra.  For people with rare-Earth credit ratings, the food in
these places is reputed to be incredible, but actual reviews of the food
are rare, as the local newspapers could send a reporter on assignment to
Alpha Centauri cheaper than they could buy him a meal at one.

Another interesting feature of the Plaza is the preponderance of private
security guards roaming around.  These are not the same as mall security,
the main function of which is to show people that mall food is in fact
edible.  Plaza security carry guns, and are generally only slightly
friendlier than a rabid polar bear.  They almost always appear to be on
the verge of shooting someone, which makes sense when you consider that they
are effectively guarding a Ralph Lauren store in the middle of Lebanon.
It is also generally unadvisable to even look at an armored car in the Plaza,
as they have been specially modified to mount a recoilless rifle on the roof.

Another reasonably safe and amusing area of KC MO is known as the Crown
Center.  Where Plaza stores are expensive, Crown Center stores are, well,
specific.  They have entire stores devoted to socks.  Just socks.  Not shoes,
not accessories, just socks.  They also have a knack for selling things
that most people were unaware that they could buy, such as designer gravel
for five dollars a pound.

A final note: KC MO, is by definition, in Missouri.  This means that the
weather will be largely incapable of supporting human life.  Between March
and September, it will be hot enough to denature most proteins in about ten
minutes.  Coupled with the omnipresent humidity, the weather is about the
same as that on Venus, only the air is worse.  In fact, cases have been
documented where people actually exploded from the extreme temperature
gradient between the stores and the outside environment.
%e
*EOA*


%t Pizza
%n 2S16
%s Hot Pizza - Food of the Gods!
%a Jason Williams  ([e-mail], valid until March 1993)
%d 19930117
%i Food, Pizza
%i Mamma Mias Pizzeria
%e
Across the known galaxy there are many varieties of food; so many in fact,
that the mighty computing centers of Zagulon Beta had this to say in their
report on the late great food-census:

         "Wow. There really is a lot of this stuff."

Despite this huge variety of foods, there are but a few which have met
near-universal acceptance.  The most common are foodstuffs based upon
hydrocarbons-with-an-attitude known as alcohols, including social
stimulants such as Gin and Tonic, inebriants such as beer, and genocidal
anti-nervous-system agents such as gold bricks wrapped in lemon.

The second most common group of foodstuffs are based upon a congealed
mammary fluid substance known as 'cheese'.  Although the gourmet may be
better acquainted with Quail a la Orange or Chocolate Moose, the appetite
of the hitch-hiker is most often presented with simpler (cheaper) dishes
which have their basis in cheese.

The pinnacle of cheese technology, far above even the English cheese-flavored
sandwich, the Swiss cheese-flavored fondue, and the French cheese-flavored
cheese, is the Italian Pizza.  Totally aside from being an awesome example
of Earth-originated food, this is a technological marvel in its own right,
having been invented during a period of unusually high technological
achievement known as the 'dark ages', though it is thought that fore-runners
of the modern day pizza were eaten by club-wielding Neanderthals during
the great pack-rat exodus of Three million BC.

A common method of serving normal meals is on a device known as a plate.
The pizza does away with this, however, by building an edible plate
substructure into the food itself.  This pizza base is a type of pastry- or
bread-like stuff made of a special type of dough called 'pizza dough'.

On top of this base, a tomato sauce is spread, for flavor, and in memory of
all the brave tomatoes that have died to perpetuate the great pizza
tradition.  This is covered with a variety of toppings which include olives
(hard green and black things that taste like olives, only saltier),
cabanossi (sausage), pepperoni (sausage), capsicum (the green stuff that you
pick off the pizza and drop into the box), mushrooms (ribbed fungi), sliced
tomatoes (brave, self-sacrificing vegetables), ham (dead pig), and other
delicious substances.  Some tropical-island natives and an odd German chap
have also been known to add pineapple, but this usually serves to make the
pizza taste as though it has pineapple in it, so is not recommended.

Once all these ingredients have been added, in generous handfuls, to the
base, they are covered by a huge pile of specially grated cheese, and then
fused together in a pizza oven at extremely high temperatures.  The disc-
shaped result is then cut into a number of triangular segments which is never
divisible by the number of people who will eat the pizza, and placed into
a cardboard delivery package called a 'pizza box'.

Pizza should not be eaten within three minutes of removal from the oven,
unless you are a masochist, in which case, you will enjoy the blisters on
your tongue which typically last for several agonizing days.  Pizza should
not be left for more than eight minutes after removal from the oven, lest
it degrade to too cool a temperature.  Pizza is hoopy only when served hot,
so that it is almost impossible to separate the portion of a slice in your
mouth from the portion outside your mouth by merely biting at the cheese.

Never block the air hole of the pizza box with your hands, as this results
in several undesirable effects:

         1)  A portion of your hand will become painfully hot, and you may
             be scarred for life

         2)  The aroma of the pizza will be trapped inside the box, so you
             won't be able to enjoy it

         3)  The pizza won't be able to breathe, and may suffocate to death.

The best Pizzas in the universe are to be found at their point of invention,
Italy, Earth.  However, in a few isolated regions of the galaxy, Italian
nationals have managed to squeeze their 'pizzerias' between fast food
joints and liquor shops, to bring the taste of Hot Pizza (tm) to their
esteemed clients.  Interestingly, the most successful appear to be those
which lie directly between a university and a liquor shop.

In times of dire hunger, the hitchhiker may be forced to eat pizza from
franchises known as Pizza Hut.  On the pizza scale, Pizza Hut usually rates
at about four or five out of ten, which is entirely edible.  However, for a
really really good pizza, you are directed to travel either to Italy, or to
Mission Bay, Auckland, New Zealand, to a little place called 'Mamma Mias'.

Mamma Mias lies between the University of Auckland and a liquor shop -- it
is somewhat distant (ten minutes in a car, five minutes in a student car)
from the University, but the trip is worth it, especially during Stage Four
Data Communications lectures [1].

Mamma Mias pizzas have never been known to rate less than seven out of ten,
and average an 8.7.  A pizza rating higher than 9.2 has not yet been
discovered.

On the cardboard delivery containers is the legend "Caution: These pizzas
can be habit forming".  Do not take this warning lightly!  There are known
to be literally dozens of cases of complete pizza-junkies from the University
of Auckland, with cholesterol levels so high that they practically have
cheese for blood.  But they are very delicious pizzas.

In the fine tradition of real pizza shops, while you stand around waiting for
your pizza to cook, you can listen to the dulcet tones of your host insulting
his staff in Italian, and inhale the delicate aroma of pizza wafting past on
the unconditioned, stuffy air.  This place has authentic ambience.

Once you have your pizza, you can go outside, watch as yuppies try to avoid
getting blood all over the bonnet of their BMW as you wander aimlessly
across the road, and enjoy your pizza on the picturesque concrete wall
which stops Mission Bay beach from moving a kilometer inland.

[ Aside: In its defense, there is a nice view of Auckland Harbour and
  occasionally people being eaten by sharks, and at night the fountain
  (when operational) gets lit up with pretty colored lights.  Also, hours
  of fun can be generated by drinking a local alcoholic substance known
  as 'Purple Death', and pretending to throw food to the seagulls, which are
  so stupid that they go for it every time.]

Oh, and a final warning: If a student from Auckland University ever says to
you, "Wanna go for a quick pizza?", make sure that you have at least two
(preferably three) hours available in which to do so before you answer "Yes."

See you there!

[1] For reasons undiscovered, the author's final grade for this paper was
    somewhat disappointing, but heck, I passed, so who cares?
%e
*EOA*


%t Plagiarism
%n 2S17
%s Plagiarism
%a Jason Williams  ([e-mail], valid until March 1993)
%d 19930117
%e
Plagiarism is the act of plagiarizing; Stealing of something (an invention,
idea, phrase, dictionary entry, or the like) and presenting it as your own.

Intergalactic copyright laws in most regions now outlaws plagiarism.  (From
the latin word 'plagiarus', meaning thief, kidnapper, plunderer.)

_The Encyclopedia Galactica_ has this to say about Plagiarism:

         "Plagiarism is the act of plagiarizing; Stealing of something (an
          invention, idea, phrase, dictionary entry, or the like) and
          presenting it as your own.

          Intergalactic copyright laws in most regions now outlaws
          plagiarism.  (From the latin word 'plagiarus', meaning thief,
          kidnapper, plunderer.)"

[ Editor's note: Any similarity between this article and any that may appear
  in another publication (a randomly chosen and purely hypothetical example
  of such being _The Encyclopedia Galactica_) is entirely coincidental. ]
%e
*EOA*


%t Definitely Correct Speech
%n 1S4
%s How to Speak Your Mind and Live to Tell About It
%a Dennis Holmes  ([e-mail])
%d 19930121
%i DCS
%i DC Speech
%e
At some time, all hitchhikers are going to eventually find themselves with
the inescapable need to verbally communicate with some other being.  This is
usually quite dangerous, the type of thing that television personalities with
less intelligence and coordination than a falling bowl of petunias tell you
not to try at home even though you couldn't possibly try it at home because
the task in question involves being suspended over a half-mile deep canyon
without a towel while handcuffed to Rosanne Arnold.  We therefore provide
some handy tips for making the experience, if not more pleasant, then at
least survivable.

The first thing to know is that the particular language you speak is not
terribly important, Babel fish or no Babel fish, since no one will actually
be listening to the content of your speech.  People will have already made up
their minds about what you are going to say long before you begin speaking,
and it is this meaning which will govern any replies or reactions to your
statements; indeed, one might begin to wonder why it was that this
conversation needed to be had in the first place.  This should be carefully
considered before proceeding, as it may just be possible to avoid the entire
incident after all.  You should therefore speak in the tongue most familiar
to you in order to reserve your concentration for more important matters such
as how to get the last word in as quickly as possible.

With all the latest hype about being culturally correct, socially correct,
environmentally correct, politically correct, and anatomically correct, it is
vital to understand the importance of being right no matter what the cost.
In fact, experts estimate that nearly every war in the galaxy has been caused
by someone being wrong.  It is recommended that the modern hitchhiker employ
the increasingly popular style known as Definitely Correct Speech.  The basic
technique is that everything you say must be absolutely, precisely,
unquestionably correct or, when this is not convenient, so wildly inaccurate
as to make the thought of denial utterly preposterous.

The best place to find examples of the proper use of Definitely Correct
Speech is in the Guide.  The very idea of disputing anything published in the
Guide is downright unthinkable and would likely be followed by heavy
lawsuits, commitment of the individual or organization to a sanitarium, and
probably a lynching.  Another excellent source is employees of the telephone
company, although engaging in conversation with one of these beings is highly
discouraged.
%e
*EOA*


%t Hell
%n 1S5
%s Don't go there.
%a Vincent Joseph Shuta  ([e-mail])
%d 19921229
%x New York City, New York, USA, Earth
%i Hades
%e
No matter how many people tell you to go to Hell, don't.  At no
place in the space time continuum is it a pleasant place:  It was
lousy since it opened and there are no plans for improvement.

The actual description of the place varies from religion to
religion and planet to planet, and is based mostly on hearsay.
The one thing they agree uniformly is that it's set up to make
you unhappy and is thus a place to avoid.

If you still feel compelled by the amazing number of people who
tell you to go there, remember that people are not always
concerned with what's in your best interest.  Also, analyze your
behavior for elements which could be misconstrued as aggravating.
%e
*EOA*


*
*
* UNREAL (Fiction) ARTICLES -- 3
*
*  1U4     -- Dealing With The Lack Of Time
*  2U15    -- Prophet Margin, The
*  2U16    -- Computerats
*
*
*


%t Dealing With The Lack Of Time
%n 1U4
%s Time expands to fill available space.
%a Vincent Joseph Shuta  ([e-mail])
%d 19921122
%i Lack Of Time, Dealing With
%i Time, Dealing With The Lack Of
%e
It's a common complaint of most sentient beings in the galaxy that
there isn't enough time to accomplish everything.  The time allotted
for projects, assignments, and those tasks necessary for daily life
is always less than the time required to accomplish the projects,
assignments, and daily tasks.  The general response to such laments
is "Get organized."  This is not often welcome advice because if one
had the time to get organized, then there would be enough time to
accomplish everything: adding "Get organized" to the list doesn't help.

This has led to an entire industry based on time-saving devices:
Microwave ovens, electric can openers, automatic cat feeders, etc.
Although some of these devices have been shown to save time, the
overall effect is minimal, and the complaints have not dropped too
much.  (The overall effect on the lives of the inventors has been
quite amazing, since they can now afford to hire people to do
everything for them.  The overall effect on the hired people has
been the opposite, since they now have that much less time, due to
the added task of catering to the inventors.  This creates a balance
so the overall figures are not affected.)

Some psychologists at Golgafrincham University Polar Campus (also
known as "Snow U") developed a theory that people schedule any free
time they have for fear of boredom.  This has never been fully
developed however, since the same psychologists were sent off in
the now infamous B Ark.

As a side note, the rest of the psychologists stayed home.  They of
course were key figures in Golgafrincham's population reduction
plans.  The only ones who weren't working on that project were those
who weren't considered that good.  And although it was a tad
embarrassing for all involved when they came up with a major theory,
it was easily taken care of.
%e
*EOA*


%t Prophet Margin, The
%s A history of the Greatest Disciple since... well, Ever!
%a John F De Ryckere  ([e-mail])
%d 19921204
%n 2U15
%i Profit
%i Margin, Prophet Jake
%e
As most beings in the universe already know, Prophet Jake Margin was, and
most likely will always be, the most influential and revered religious figure
of all time.  As opposed to most holy rollers who preached about doing good
to others, this most absolutely irrefutably righteous dude preached about
being good to oneself.  Even, I might add, if it meant being not so good to
your fellow man, insectoid, sentient energy field or what have you.  The good
Prophet originally was one of the more mainstream misguided followers taking
vows of chastity, poverty and other horrible vows.  His religious beliefs
(and the universal economy) were forever changed when he was visited by God
after a nasty fall off of the altar.  As he was convalescing in his hospital
bed with a rather nasty concussion, God visited him (in the form of a talking
bed pan of all things).

The conversation, according to Margin, went as follows:

     God:     Salutations, Margin.  Have I got some news for you!
     Margin:  What?  Who's talking?  Where are you hiding?  Is this Alachoo's
              Funniest Home HoloVids?
     God:     It is I, your God, Margin.  I have brought news of great
              Import.  I am speaking through this bed pan.

At this point Prophet Margin was rapt with attention, although somewhat
dismayed at the form his God would take.

     M:  Are you off your rocker?  God would not take the form of a bed pan!
         Perhaps as a nice potted plant, but a bed pan?  Never!
     G:  I would, and I did.
     M:  Then prove it!
     G:  I know why you fell off of the altar Margin.
     M:  (trembling) Y-you do?
     G:  Yes, I know all.  I would have previously struck you with lightning
         for drunkenness on duty, but this little tidbit changes everything.
     M:  (Astonished)  You must be the real thing.  Heavy.  And I'm to be
         your messenger?  I'm not worthy...
     G:  Yes I know, but good messengers are hard to find these days.  My
         news is this.  All of my disciples must set forth to maximize their
         net worth.  Tell them to become filthy rich at all costs.
     M:  But I thought you said to be rich in spirit, to shun material
         wealth!
     G:  I changed my mind.  I can do that, you know.  Tell them to become
         rich, millionaires even.  They can use whatever means are at their
         disposal.
     M:  Any means?
     G:  Yes, any means.  Suppose you were under the blistering suns of the
         desert world Kunth'k.  You have an ample supply of water, food and
         so on.  Through the desert comes crawling a bedraggled millionaire.
         Days without food and water.  What do you do?
     M:  Why, I give him some of my food and water, of course!  It is the
         right thing to do.
     G:  Screw the right thing!  You take him for all he is worth.  Give him
         food and water, but only after he agrees to relinquish his millions.
     M:  I can't preach that -- it's heresy!
     G:  Well it came from me, so it can't be heresy.  I'll tell you what:
         as my messenger you should be rewarded.  All my followers will have
         to give you ten percent of their wealth.
     M:  Well, I suppose it isn't that bad.  I mean after all, the guy still
         does get food and water.  I suppose in fact a lot more people would
         be willing to help out that fellow.  OK, yeah, I think it's a good
         idea.  A great one in fact!  I'd be delighted to preach your word!
     G:  Oh, by the way, Margin.  Forget the chastity bit as well.  Sex is
         now a valuable commodity.
     M:  Really.  You mean I'm free to have sex?
     G:  Yes, you're free to have sex.  And not just with yourself any more.
     M:  (blushing) Right!

With this, Prophet Margin went into the universe preaching the new and
improved word of God.  He did meet some resistance from the 'old guard' of
the priesthood, but this resistance dwindled as the money from penances
started to earn the converted priests better temples, rectories, and
expensive retreats on the more temperate planets.

All civilizations pay homage to this guy now, even back-water ones such as
that found on Earth.  You will often hear earth-bred humans speak of
maximizing their profit margin.  It may have been a bit corrupted, but the
connection is still obvious!

While the message of Prophet Margin was to have an everlasting effect on
history, the same can not be said for him.  While travelling the vast void of
space he was again visited -- this time by a voice which told him that the
vacuum outside his luxury space-yacht was in fact, quite hospitable.  The
voice was dead wrong.
%e
*EOA*


%t Computerats
%n 2U16
%s Description of the Computerat, an organic computer
%a Steven K. H. Siew  ([e-mail])
%d 19930123
%i Computer, Organic
%e
A lesser known fact of the unknown universe is the existence of organic
computers.  Until fairly recently, most people were under the impression
that computers were made, not evolved; however this myth was later
computed to be utterly false to the sixth heximal place.

On an obscure little planet called Gerdine in the Habsobin star system,
hidden behind the dark Magellan Clouds, there lives a race of creatures
uncommonly known as Computerats.  These creatures were first discovered
by a psychopath serial killer by the name of Sebriga on the run from
Galactic Police about sixty years ago (relative to the time frame of
the Galactic Center).

The first thing that struck the killer when she saw one of the
creatures was a small piece of rock which landed painfully on her
forehead, thrown by the creature's companion which was distressed at the
sight of its mate being sawed in half.  The killer tried to communicate
with the computerat but it failed to understand her peaceful message of
waving her hacksaw in the air.  Instead, the computerat screamed back,
"Nyot diat diat nyot diat diat nyot diat nyot!"

Sebriga then realized that these creatures communicate in binary fashion.
She translated the words as "Nyot" is "1" and "Diat" is "0" [Editor's note:
it could be the other way around].  Further observations revealed the
following amazing facts.

First, the creatures are about the size of pigs, but look rather like rats.
The computerats have eight limbs and live on datapacks (another lifeform
on the planet).  Most of the time the computerats are on GOTOs going from
one subroutine to another for no apparent reason, and sometimes suffer
CRASHs with other computerats.  If this should ever happen, the two
computerats would starve to death as follows:

         REPEAT
           CRASHing
         UNTIL the other dies;

But the most interesting aspect of computerats are their sex lives,
which, incidently, pleased Sebriga greatly.

When a computerats enters its reproduction period, its clockrate doubles
from 12 Megalifecycle to 24 Megalifecycle.  This is observed by the fact
that the computerats move and think twice as fast as normal.  The
computerat would find a mate (the computerats are asexual) who is also in
"heat".  It's easy to detect a computerat in heat; its CPU (Central
reProduction Unit) would be so hot that some fear they might melt by its
extreme heat.  The reproduction itself is by BINARY fusion, where the binary
instructions from both computerats merge to produce a new set of
instructions for the newborn computerat.  The greatest danger during this
period is VDU (Virus Downloading Unnotice) or, as some call it, Venereal
Disease Unicode.  This has the effect of both computerats terminating the
processes, aborting the PROGRAM altogether.

Another aspect of the computerats is that they can solve extremely
complex logical problems in microseconds while being stumped for days by
a simple non-logical problem.  Recently there was an illegal trade
involving computerats as replacement parts for mainframe computers; to
this day, the Galactic Police are still trying to capture the mastermind
behind this trade -- a person by the name of Sebriga.
%e
*EOA*


*
* End of 19930220.NEW
*