Media Share 9/MEDIASHARE_09.ISO/private/tg120.zip/19920705.NEW

Text File | 1993-03-24 | 108KB | 2,113 lines

*
* ARCHIVE: 19920705.NEW
*
* DATE: 07/05/92 (revised 10/20/92)
*
* EDITOR(S):
*
*        Editor   1 : Paul J. Clegg  ([e-mail])
*        Editor   2 : Steve Baker  ([e-mail])
*
* NUMBER OF ARTICLES: 25
*


********************** I M P O R T A N T   N O T I C E **********************

This collection of articles fully complies with the "official" Project
Galactic-Guide "Article Writing/Style Guide" report (updated 03/19/92), and
is usable with any article reader program which supports this format.

If a new article format becomes standard, THIS FILE WILL BE UNUSABLE with
complying programs which support the new format.  Don't Panic!  This archive
will be re-released after being converted to the new standards, should they
be approved.  Again, watch [ alt.galactic-guide ] for updates.
                                                                      [ swb ]
*****************************************************************************


*
*
* REAL (Fact) ARTICLES -- 11
*
*   1R1    -- Earth
*   1R2    -- Massachusetts Institute of Technology
*   1R3    -- Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
*   1R4    -- New Orleans, Louisiana, United States of America
*   1R5    -- Car Talk
*   1R6    -- Fire
*   2R2    -- Geneva, Switzerland, Earth
*   2R3    -- Harvard Square, Boston, Massachusetts, USA, Earth
*   2R4    -- Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute
*   2R5    -- Algonquin Park, Ontario, Canada, Earth
*   2R6    -- Berlin, Germany, Earth
*
*


%t Earth
%n 1R1
%s A Really Hoopy Place To Live These Days...
%a Paul Jason Clegg  ([e-mail])
%d 19920319
%i Terra
%i Where You Probably Are Right Now
%e
The Earth (also known by smart asses as Terra) is an incredibly hoopy place
to be, if for no other reason than because we don't know of any other place
to be.  Although many people have suggested going into outer space, and
living there, more people have complained about everything that would entail,
such as the longer commute to work or school, atrophied limbs in near-zero
gravity, cramped quarters among spacecraft, horrible in-flight food and
movies, and, of course, the amazingly large cost of sending a person
anywhere outside the Earth.

The fact that we haven't left the Earth for any amount of time really hasn't
upset anyone, though, since Earth is the only place where one can find a
considerable number of video game machines, nice beaches, jobs, and members
of the opposite sex.  It is also the home of that wholly remarkable book, The
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and its four sequels, all written by a
certain human named Douglas Adams, and was, in fact, the sole inspiration for
another wholly remarkable creation, Project Galactic Guide, the result of
which you are now perusing.

For some truly outstanding figures about the planet Earth, you may wish to
consult a recently published world almanac, which will give very interesting
tidbits of information about the Earth, such as it's size (approximately
24,900 miles around, with a surface area of 196,938,800 square miles), its
moons (one, commonly called The Moon, but many smart asses call it Luna), and
other things like the fact that Julia Child was born in Pasadena, California,
on August 15th, 1912, and that, in 1987, the tallest building in Des Moines,
Iowa, was the Ruan Center, which stood at an entirely uncollosal 457 feet
tall.

The Earth is the only place we know of to date that has intelligent life
living on it.  This could, of course, be because of some global government
cover-up (very likely), truth (least likely), or just because many people
seem to be very troubled about the idea that there might be other creatures
in outer space, and particularly that those creatures are probably more
intelligent and evolved than they are (more likely than the cover-up idea,
which was very likely, and thus is probably true).

The Earth is the third planet is the Sol star system, although the
inhabitants are more likely to call Sol, their sun, The Sun, most likely
because very few people have figured out exactly how to pronounce "Sol", but
even more likely because they rarely talk about other suns, except as stars.

The Earth rotates on an axis at an angle, and orbits Sol in an elliptical
orbit, the result of which is that the inhabitants feel different seasons,
where, depending on their exact location, the average temperature will dip or
rise, and various department stores will hold something called "Sales Events"
as a form of acknowledgement to the passage of time.  The Earth rotates on
its axis once every 24 hours, and spends 365.25 sets of 24 hours (each set is
called a day) in orbit, before reaching its original point, which isn't
wholly true, as it is well known that the entire Sol star system is moving
through space at an uncomfortable velocity, so uncomfortable that most people
tend not to think about it, and, as a result, are not usually affected by it.

And to dismay any contrary opinion, to human conception, the Earth is indeed
spheroidal, though not a perfect sphere in and of itself.  Why this is is not
important to most hitchhikers, however, and is left to brainy types, who have
nothing better to do than to calculate the dimensions of our planet.

If you have any more questions, consult almost every other part of the Guide,
or ask the nearest human, as they'll most likely know a little bit about the
Earth (unless you're somewhere other than the Earth, in which case, if you do
in fact find a human, they will be less likely able to tell you about the
Earth).
%e
*EOA*


%t Massachusetts Institute Of Technology
%n 1R2
%s Mostly Nerds
%a Daniel Robert Risacher
%d 19920123
%i MIT
%i Mass Tech
%e
On February 10, 1865 William Barton Rogers opened the doors to the
Massachusetts Institute of Technology for the first time.  The door then fell
down, since the workmen who were building MIT hadn't attached the hinges yet,
and the official opening of the school was rescheduled for February 20, ten
days later.  This noble institution had been in construction for four years
prior to that point, ever since it received its charter in 1861.  This
charter is not available for public viewing, since it is reputed to state
that the actual purpose for building the Institute is:

       "...to torture young men who think they are smarter than
        everybody else..."

Regardless of whether this is true, today, the university does not torture
merely young men, but a few young women as well.  MIT is commonly regarded as
the finest technical institute in America.  This is blatantly untrue, since
that title is more rightly claimed by Cal Tech, but MIT ranks pretty well.

The best parties to be found at MIT are usually thrown by the undergraduate
dormitories.  Unfortunately, these mega-parties are usually once-a-year
affairs, and therefore are rather scarce.  The best chance that a hitchhiker
has of finding a good party on a Friday or Saturday night is to cross the
river via the Harvard Bridge and wander around until one hears a fraternity
party and go there.  This will work (Trust us).

The quickest way for males to find a willing female at MIT is to go to a
fraternity party and pretend that he belongs to that fraternity.  This works,
despite the fact that MIT has a 3:1 male/female student ratio, because the
fraternities will invite females to their parties from any or all of the many
small women's colleges in Boston.  The women who accept these invitations
usually have an unhealthy attraction to MIT "frat guys", and have been known
to throw themselves at these "potentially rich" with less shame than
professional streetwalkers.

The best way for a female to find a willing male at MIT is to go to a
dormitory and hit on any of the rather desperate males that she will find
there.  Frequently these males will go to exorbitant lengths to please any
female who shows interest in them, since probably no one has ever done that
before.  This is not necessarily their fault, but rather a by-product of 3:1.

The overall problem with finding dates at MIT is that almost all of the
people who attend MIT are, to put it mildly, nerds.  The student body, as a
whole, thinks that quantum mechanics, relativity, isometric propagation of
spectral waveguides, and similar nonsense are ideal topics of conversation.

If a hitchhiker just wants to catch a movie, the (LSC) Lecture Series
Committee shows real full length movies twice a night on weekends for a
$1.50 fee.  These are usually good, popular movies which have been at the
theaters for a while.

As far as finding food, do not attempt to eat at a student cafeteria.  Not
that the food is bad at the cafeterias, rather, the food is fairly good, but
it is too expensive for Donald Trump, not to mention a hitchhiker.  Instead,
walk along either Main St, or Massachusetts Av, until you find a restaurant
which suits you.  Unless you are very picky, this will not be difficult,
since there are more restaurants on these two streets than in the rest of
the known world.

If a hitchhiker wants a tour of the less common hangouts at MIT, he/she is
advised to go to the Student Center (across Mass Ave from the Little Dome) go
to the 24-hour CoffeeHouse (third floor) and hang out there around midnight
on Saturday night.  There, the hitchhiker can meet lots of people who call
themselves "hackers".  Hackers of this kind do not play with computers in
their spare time, as is usually implied by the term "hacker", but rather,
they spend their spare time walking around on roofs, crawling around in
tunnels, picking locks, and generally going places that the administration
does not want anyone to go.  This is their idea of "fun".  If any of these
things sound fun to you, do not miss the Saturday-night CoffeeHouse tours.

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ATTEMPT TO ENROLL AS A STUDENT AT MIT.  MIT is
the most expensive university in America, and although it has some good
points which are fun to visit, it is not a whole lot of fun to attend.  As an
example of this, it is claimed that the President of MIT once said,

     "Sometimes I feel like the warden of a Maximum Security Prison."

If you are highly masochistic, and either rich or on full scholarship, you
may wish to consider MIT for your education. Do so at your own risk.
%e
*EOA*


%t Rio De Janeiro, Brazil, Earth
%n 1R3
%s Human Beings, Surfers, and Samba Dancers
%a Geraldo Xexeo  ([e-mail])
%d 19920123
%x Earth
%e
Rio de Janeiro, a.k.a. Rio, a Brazilian city in the Southeast coast of the
country, has been known as one of the most beautiful cities on Earth.
Meanwhile, one should note that the concept of a city is a bit bigger in Rio
than in other nice small cities, like Rome or Paris.  Rio has 5.6 million
inhabitants in the city and around 10 million inhabitants in the wide region
around it.  Many people from Sao Paulo, Mexico City, and Tokyo used to say
Rio is a very nice little town to expend the weekend.

In Rio you can do a thousand different things, but most people do only two:
go to the beach and drink beer, not necessarily in any order.  Beer is served
cold, the beach is served 40 degrees centigrade HOT.

There are some main reasons you should not miss the beach, among them are
astonishingly beautiful bodies all around you (both male and female).
Cariocas girls, as people from Rio are called, used to wear short bikinis,
and no one is able to differ them from topless or nudist bathing suits,
although they don't have official topless or nude beaches in Rio.

Carnival is a must.  During four days the city is turned upside-down and
rightside-left.  Sometime inside-out also, due to excess of an alcoholic
beverage called Batida.  Batidas taste like fruit juice (select your flavor),
but go to your head like an atomic bomb.  Euthanasia is not allowed in
Brazil, so it is highly suggested that you DON'T drink too many Batidas.

Typical food is Feijoada (Black beans and Pork meat) and Churrasco (Barbecue,
done with big chunks of meat).  Churrasco can be digested in special places
where you pay to enter and call an ambulance to deliver you home.  Eating
Churrasco and drinking Caipirinha seems to be a local sport [KIDS: don't try
this at home].  Doing it at the beach (mid-day, 42 C) is a local suicide
technique.

Soccer fans will find Maracana, the biggest stadium in the world, in this
city.  It holds 200,000 spectators, plus 22 players and 3 arbiters.  Flag
colors divide spectators and players into two teams. Players usually play
soccer, while spectators develop boxing, judo, karate, and survival skills.
The police control spectator violence by applying correctional measures,
also called "police brutality" by local political groups.

The largest statue of Jesus Christ in the world can also be found in this
city.  By coincidence, it is also the highest, since it is on the top of a
mountain (Corcovado).  There are two ways to the statue, a difficult way and
a very difficult way.  The difficult way is a vertical climb on the south
side of the mountain.  The very difficult way are the tourists stair on the
west side, full of tourist shops, guides, and the most dangerous tourist
group mobs, multi-faced animals known to move by bus and hunt for food during
the day.

Local music is Samba.  If you think Lambada is connected with sin, you
haven't seen a Samba dancer.  Samba is designed to be danced with full
clothing: a small bra and an even smaller bikini.  Samba has other
variations, one of them specially created to help heart-broken people to
decide against suicide.  If you think "Sunshine On My Shoulders" is sad and
you cried seeing "Kramer vs. Kramer", you should listen to Maisa or Nelson
Goncalves records.  Psychological assistance is a good measure on these
experiences.

Cariocas speak Portuguese, Spanichuese, Englichuese and Frenchuese.  Some of
them speak a Bronx dialect called SmithandWessonese, composed of 4 words:
give, me, your, and money.  Rio is a very large city, with some prejudice
against people wearing shorts with flowers, t-shirts with flowers, gold
jewelry and a using camcorders.  These people, which usually call themselves
tourists, have the local denomination of "fool", "idiot", or "duck".  Just
ignore it.

Prices go from VERY CHEAP to MOST EXPENSIVE IN THE WORLD, depending on if you
want a cheese sandwich, or an apartment on Vieira Souto Avenue, in front of
Ipanema Beach, where the prices are higher than New York's 5th Avenue or
Champs-Elysee.

Weather is hot in spring, very hot in summer, hot in autumn, and quite hot in
winter.  Rains are in the end of March.  Temperature goes from 20 to 42 C,
20 C is usually considered "damned cold" by the locals.  The city is wet.
80% humidity is ok for Cariocas.  Better if it's higher.

Cariocas are like the weather, plain hot.  You should not take a honeymoon in
Rio unless you robbed a bank in the last 3 weeks before your marriage.  Rio
is a place to find people.  "You don't bring a sandwich to a banquet" is a
common saying there.

Drugs are not allowed, but you can find most popular cigarette brands,
Coca-Colas, and McDonalds around.  Popcorn dealers can be found in every
school door, and ice cream is a necessity very well supplied by international
and local companies.

Local currency is the Cruzeiro (Cr$).  It's worth around $0.001 US and going
down.  Even if the US dollar is going down, the Cruzeiro goes faster.
Actually, it goes down faster than any other currency known, including
Monopoly money.

The city is divided into different "zones".  South zone is *cool*, and
includes world-renown Copacabana and Ipanema.  North zone is not so cool
alone, but can be cool with a local guide (particularly with a 22 year-old,
1.8m, dark haired, perfectly built member of the preferred sex), but you can
get a taxi and go to a Samba school with no other dangers than a headache in
the next morning.  West zone can vary from dead to cool, just find a local
guide.  West zone requires a car, South and North zones are ok with buses
(though a bit dangerous at dark) and taxis.

Required equipment:  Mirrorshades, bathing suit.
Best time to go:  Carnival (40 days before Easter, 4 days or more duration)
Best time to leave:  Just after recovering from Carnival, usually 100+ days
                     after Easter.
You should try:  Local food, Fruit Juice Shops, local people, Ipanema Beach
You should avoid:  tourists, Tijuca, people from Sao Paulo, work
%e
*EOA*


%t New Orleans, Louisiana, USA, Earth
%n 1R4
%s Guide To New Orleans
%a Brian K. Dore'  ([e-mail])
%d 19920117
%e
If you follow the path of the mighty Mississippi River all the way from it's
source in the Northern United States, down it's twisty and meandering bends
through the heart of the country, to its forked mouth dumping millions of
gallons of muddy water into the Gulf of Mexico, you would probably be quite
disappointed.  Except for a few dirty brown pelicans and the remains of a
beautiful swamp cut into little bitty pieces by an overzealous petrochemical
company, there isn't much to see.  You would probably, without a second
thought, backtrack your way up the river, round the final few bends, and find
a place to have a drink in the city of New Orleans.

If you don't like to drink, dance, eat, or listen to music, you might
continue on your way back up to the source of the river.  In fact, if you
don't like to drink, dance, eat, or listen to music it is doubtful that you
will ever chance to venture out along the river in any case.

While there are many interesting sights throughout this old and historic
city, there are plenty of tour and travel books available to show you
around.  For now we will just concentrate on the important part of the
city, the places to go to have FUN.

Where to Stay:

The absolute best place to sleep in New Orleans is in your van.  Your old,
scratched, well beat up, nicely inconspicuous van.  This solves any problems
you may have finding your way to a motel at 4 am.  It is also quite a bit
cheaper than any of the motels in New Orleans, even if you have to buy the
van, and a new set of tires for it the next day.  Some people with money
stay in hotels within the city.  This writer neither has money, or knows
any of these people, so we will simply drop the idea all together.  People
with enough money to stay downtown can afford one of those slick travel
books with a picture of something on the cover that you will probably never
see in the city to which the book is said to relate to.

Somewhere between the airport and the French Quarter is a city called
Metarie.  The only redeeming quality of this city other than being close
enough to New Orleans to make it the perfect place to pull over to get a
quick bite, take a leak, or puke on the way home is the abundance of cheap
motels.  You will find, however, that after being in New Orleans, cheap is
a relative term.  My personal favorite is the Peacock Plaza Inn.

The Peacock Plaza Inn is noted as being a good compromise between price,
cleanliness, and safety.  It is also known for being across the street from a
topless bar (The Downs) and free porno movies.  Based on this author's
experience, a six pack and free pornos is better than a trip to The Downs,
but then some people like paying five bucks for a seven ounce beer and having
ugly women beg them for money.

The Landmark is a bit nicer, a bit more expensive, but has a bar at the top
overlooking the city which is kind of neat.  Both of these places are quite
visible from the interstate, and should be quite easy to find.  Since finding
things is part of the fun, no street addresses will be given.  The fact that
I have no idea what streets they are on has absolutely no influence over this
decision.

The French Quarter:

Saying that there are no other interesting parts to such an old and historic
city would quickly get you lynched by a mob of angry New Orleans Saints fans
who are quite easily upset.  The fact that these people return year after
year to cheer for a team who has never won a playoff game in their 25 year
history may give you some idea of what kind of sick individuals inhabit the
city.  Unless you happen to have to live there however, you probably
shouldn't waste your time seeing the rest of the city.

When in the quarter you may be invited to bet money on various things.  While
an intelligent person will rarely lose more than three or four dollars on a
visit to persistent persons, three or four dollars WILL buy you a good drink
at Pat O'Briens.

Q: I'll bet you a dollar I can tell you where you got your shoes.
A: (On your feet, on the street, in the City of New Orleans)

Don't bother with the shell game or picking the queen out of three cards.
Give a buck or two to the scummy guy with the box guitar playing American
Pie instead.

Decatur Street Brewpub.  A great place to start, while you can still
appreciate what a good beer tastes like, and a nice bar looks like.  They
serve four great homebrewed beers here.  This is a block down, and across
the street from the Hard Rock Cafe, which, as everybody already knows, is
simply a franchised tourist trap.  Decatur Street is also a great place to
park your van.  The lot across the street from the 'Bulls Corner Saloon'
is quite nice.  The Bulls Corner is about a block away from the Hard Rock,
and a great place to relieve yourself once you arrive to park, when you
return to the van to drop off anything you may have purchased, and when you
get ready to pass out for the day.

Since this entry is already WAY too long, and telling you much more might
spoil your trip, I end this entry with a few bits of advice.

          1) Pat O'Briens is not to be missed.  Look stupid and ask should
             you not be able to locate it for some reason.  By all means
             visit the Piano Bar, even if you have to stand in line.  You
             may want to do this later rather than sooner for the simple
             reason is that you will probably not want to, or more probably
             not be able to, leave.

          2) Any place on Bourbon Street that offers sex, nudity, etc. on a
             sign over the entrance is not worth the trouble.  Any place
             where you find an alleyway that is barely wide enough to squeeze
             into without signs probably is worth the trouble.

          3) If you wander around, you will inevitably find yourself smack in
             the middle of a place that things are obviously not all that
             they seem.  Don't panic, don't stay any longer than possible,
             and don't answer "yes" to anyone or anything that asks something
             of you while there.  Just trust me on this one.
%e
*EOA*


%t Car Talk
%n 1R5
%s National Public Radio hits a new peak in interactive silliness.
%a Loren Haarsma  ([e-mail])
%d 19920130
%i Humor, Radio
%i Radio Humor
%x Radio
%e
"Today, General Motors recalled 25 thousand new cars.  They don't know what's
wrong with them, but they do say that they recall them." (-Dennis Miller)

In today's society, owning a car is a necessity.  (Unless you happen to be
poor, in which case it is just one of many necessities which become luxuries
you can't afford.)  So what do you do when your automobile stops working, or
begins to make funny noises indicating that it will very soon stop working at
a particularly inconvenient moment.  There are two options.

First, you can take it to a mechanic.  This option immediately poses
problems too obvious and too numerous to list.

Second, you can try to fix it yourself.  This option poses many other
problems, among the worst of which are that you will be forced to think and
-- even worse -- to do work.

But there is a way to avoid being impaled on the horns of this dilemma.
Well, actually, it's more a way to forestall being impaled.  OK, it's really
just a way to procrastinate, but you might consider it anyway.  It is this:
Listen to the radio program, _Car Talk_.

_Car Talk_ is a call-in radio program in which the hosts, Click and Clack
the Tappit Brothers, a.k.a.  Tom and Ray Magliatzi, argue with each other,
read letters from fans on the air, interrupt each other, rant and rave about
lawyers, semi-drivers, gas grills, automotive corporate executives, and
whatever else happens to annoy them, promote fictitious charitable causes,
and, occasionally, answer questions which listeners phone in about their
cars.  You will probably never find another show in which the hosts take
such great delight in listening to another person's problems, and then
laughing about them.

Click and Clack are themselves mechanics who own and operate a garage.  And
since -- as they so often point out on their show -- everyone even remotely
associated with the automotive industry is sleazy and not to be trusted, you
should realize that any particular answer they give might be utterly
fictitious and that they only sound like they know what they are talking
about.  In their defense, however, Click and Clack have quite a bit of
experience and have spent a great deal of time and effort perfecting their
trade.  Therefore, they are very good at sounding like they know what they
are talking about.

If you would like to become a regularly listener to _Car Talk_, this is what
you should do:  call or write to all of your local National Public Radio
stations and ask them for a copy of their programming guide.  Once you have
done this, you should probably change your name, address, and telephone
number to avoid being hit by requests for donations every month for the next
ten years.

If none of the public radio stations in your area carry _Car Talk_, you
should tell the programming directors to get in touch with the radio station
WBUR in Boston.  If none of the programming directors WANT to carry
_Car Talk_, there are two methods of argument you can use with them, one of
which is certain to work on any public radio employee anywhere in North
America:
          (1) _Car Talk_ will attract a large and loyal fan club of
              yupwardly-mobile family units who drive Volvos and Infinities
              and contribute to public radio.  Or,
          (2) _Car Talk_ brings back the glorious counter-culture days when
              everyone owned a V.W. and knew how to fix it themselves.

If for some reason you would like to discuss an automotive or other problem
with Click and Clack, you can call 800-323-9287; or you can write to:
Car Talk, WBUR, 630 Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Our Fair City, MA 02215.
(No endorsement expressed or implied, void where prohibited by law.)
%e
*EOA*


%t Fire
%n 1R6
%s Phlogiston Theory Put To The Test
%a Elmer Fudd  ([e-mail])
%d 19920101
%i Flame
%i Phlogiston Theory
%e
Fire is a thing.  Most people think it's hot.  It is made by an aggregate
accumulation of phlogiston into a specific area.

Please keep in mind that were it not for fire, we would not have fire today.

For most purposes, fire can be reproduced with modern means by pressurized
phlogiston container, called a 'lighter' in mainstream Americana, and it can
be used in a number of useful uses.  For instance, you can burn down a forest
with fire.  So, if you pick one simple day when a forest just happens to get
in your way, you can always pull out your handy modern 'lighter' and burn it
down.  (That'll teach 'em!)  You could always light other people on fire, but
since many of them are not legimitate phlogiston attractors, they will not
always _stay_ on fire, which is presumed the preferred state.

If, for some strange reason, phlogiston theory is wrong, then fire does not
exist.
%e
*EOA*


%t Geneva, Switzerland, Earth
%n 2R2
%s Geneva, Switzerland is a city for very rich people.
%a Geraldo Xexeo  ([e-mail])
%d 19911101
%x Earth
%e
Geneva, capital of the Republic and Canton of Geneva, part of the Helvetique
Confederation, is a city in Switzerland.  French speaking, English is the
most used language in Geneva, due to the presence of an countable number of
International Organizations in it (among them UN, WHO, WWF and an infinite
number of banks).  If you are planning to expend an exciting weekend in a
fabulous city, Geneva is not the right choice unless you can stay the day
counting your money in a private bank.  Geneva is a city for very rich
people.  If you are very rich, you can eat at expensive restaurants, buy at
expensive shops, and use expensive cars.  Since you are reading this guide,
you are probably not quite defined as "rich", so you will have to spend your
money in expensive restaurants and expensive shops, but forget about the car.

The city is small, with 300,000 habitants.  60% of them are not Swiss, which
could be a good thing concerning amusement.  Swiss night-life is summarized
in a few words, actually very few words.  Zero words, to be honest.  The rest
of the population goes to English pubs, Italian cantinas, and out of the
city, which is the best part of Geneva.  Roma and Paris are good options.
In winter, you can ski in Chamonix, less than one hour by car.

Touristic attractions are the Geneva Lake, with a big fountain near the city,
and religious buildings connected with Calvin Protestant Revolution in
Geneva.  That means you can make tourism and pay for all your sins in the
same day, which is not something to disconsider.  Don't get the "Teleferique
du Saleve", which you can reach by car or walking, and save 10 bucks.  Only a
swiss would think about paying to get up in a mountain where cars can drive,
so they don't tell it to you until you are there.  There is also the old
town, which is 400 years old (which is not so old in European standards, but
enough if you come from California).

Rue du Rhone is the principal street, where you can lose all your money
buying things with prices that should be outlawed anywhere.  Hermes, Chanel,
Cartier, Valentino, and every one else have shops in Geneva.  That makes the
city a good shot if you want to be a top model.  Better if you want to _get_
top models, and you can afford it...

Placed in the middle of Europe, Geneva is the right place to stay the night
in a trip from Paris to Rome, or Munich to Lyon.  Did I already mention that
you have to be able to afford the night?   OK, Geneva is not that expensive.
It is more.

Democracy is a very famous institution of Switzerland.  The problem is the
definition of the word.  In Geneva, what is not forbidden is mandatory. "Do
you have a license to do that?  Ah!  So that's you in our files.  But, did
you get a license to be in our files?"  On the other side, people are very
used to obeying orders and reading the manuals.  The problem is that, not
very often, there is nothing in the manuals, what can be good or bad for you,
depending on how much you drunk, who is talking with you, and why you left
your documents on the starship.

Switzerland is famous for its watches and cheeses.  Try a fondue "motie-
motie" anywhere in the city.  The oldest restaurant in town is a good choice.
It is in the old town, in front of three old guns that commemorate the defeat
of Geneva by Austria.  I don't understand that either.  Geneva is infamous
for its red wine.  If they tell you it is good, don't believe them.  If they
insist, say you don't drink alcohol.  Be aware to be ready to explain what
that glass of beer is doing in your hand.  You can get a good white wine, but
they come from Lausanne.

Actually, everything that is good in Geneva come from some place different.
French girls, Italian cooks, German managers, English rock are easily found.
American lawyers are here also, but this was a big mistake the Swiss did.

To buy a watch, you can select from a 20,000 US$ Gold and Diamonds Rolex to a
35 US$ Swatch.  Swatches are plastic watches with fun colors and drawings
that no one thinks are beautiful, but everyone has to have at least two.  To
find a shop selling Swatches, just look for people speaking loud with Italian
accents.  They are real Italians, and they used to buy more of these watches
than everyone else in the world.  We don't know if this can improve their
punctuality, but it improves a lot Geneva revenues.  It is very interesting
that it is much easier to buy the Rolex you want than the Swatch that you saw
in the catalogue.  Swatches are collectors items, and some of them are
difficult to find.  Some people believe that Swatch really makes a profit
from selling catalogues, the watch being just a small misconcept in the
design phase that went wild.

Equipment: Skying gear, towel, leather wallet
What to bring: money, credit card, gold, jewelry, towel
You can't lose: The ticket back home, skiing in Chamonix
You should forget: Staying more than 3 days
%e
*EOA*


%t Harvard Square, Boston, Massachusetts, USA, Earth
%n 2R3
%s Mostly Preppie
%a Loren Haarsma  ([e-mail])
%d 19920120
%x Massachusetts Institute Of Technology
%x Earth
%e
In the great city-state of Boston, and in its collection of semi-autonomous
suburbs, Geometry has taken it on the chin.  In these cities, whenever two or
more major streets intersect at a strange angle (and major streets, when they
intersect at all, invariably intersect at strange angles) it is designated a
"square."  And just to send Geometry running away screaming, these "squares"
are given names.  In the city of Cambridge (just to the north of Boston) it
just so happens that Massachusetts Avenue, J.F.K. Street, and Mount Auburn
Street all intersect near Harvard University.  And it is called --
surprisingly enough -- "Harvard Square."  (This is surprising because the
names of nearly all the other "squares" make no sense whatsoever.)

If you should hitchhike to Harvard University (Driving is out of the
question, since it is impossible to find a parking spot anywhere near Harvard
Square.  The most clever hitchhikers will avoid hitchhiking altogether and
take the subway.) in order to gaze at it's splendid library, or to marvel in
its awesome museums, or -- best of all -- to visit a rich relative who
happens to be enrolled there, then you will probably spend some time
wandering around Harvard Square.

Harvard Square is the place in the United States -- outside of southern
California -- where you are most likely to encounter several preppies dressed
in izods getting their picture taken in front of a "Join the Revolutionary
Communist Youth League of America" banner.  The Square itself is a several-
block region of shops and restaurants near the University.  Since most, if
not all, of the land is owned by the University, the business establishments
must pay an obscene amount of rent, and they pass these costs on to the
customers.

When touring Boston in general, and Harvard Square in particular, you should
either purchase a street map, or expect to ask directions 5 or 6 times before
finding your desired destination.  You should think of each of these events
as "mini-adventures."

RESTAURANTS: Most restaurants charge $4-5 for lunch and $8-10 for dinner.
There are many restaurants, but my recommendations are:

          CHINESE: "Chef Chow's" on Church Street in "The Atrium;" excellent
             food, good prices, and you can amuse yourself by trying to
             figure out why the establishment hires twice as many waiters and
             waitresses as it needs.
          INDIAN: "India Gate" on Holyoke Street; excellent vegetarian dishes
             and breads.
          MEXICAN: "Border Cafe" on Church Street; expect a loooong wait.
          PIZZA: Although some Harvardians like the pizza places around here,
             I suggest you order out and get it delivered.
          FAST: "_Au Bon Pain_" on Mass Av; a pricy McDonalds with an
             attitude.
          GENERIC: "Grendles" on J.F.K. Street; good prices, fair food, but
             the atmosphere is "very Harvard," and hey, as long as you're in
             the neighborhood, why not?  Good music.
          GENERIC: "The Wurst House" on J.F.K. Street; I'm told it has good
             beer, but the food totally failed to impress me.
          ICE CREAM: All the shops are adequate.

On NO ACCOUNT should you be persuaded to eat at a cafeteria on campus.  If
you cannot afford a restaurant, then go into "Store 24" (on Mass Av.) and
purchase a pre-made, pre-wrapped sandwich.  They will let you use their
microwave and sell you some very bad coffee for a quarter.

PARKING GARAGE: On Holyoke Street.  Maybe.

HOTELS: You can't afford them.

It is impossible throw a pedestrian in Harvard Square without hitting half a
dozen book stores, none of which carry enough "Doonesbury."  Decent prices,
though.  If you are into shabby little sci-fi bookstores where the owners
know more trivia than any sane person should, you will find one located just
above the "Wurst House" on J.F.K. Street, called "Pandemonium."

Speaking of pedestrians, you should NEVER NEVER simply step out into the
street and expect the cars to stop for you.  They won't.

The movie theaters in Harvard Square almost never show any interesting
movies.  This is probably because every movie house in the greater Boston
area is owned by Loewe's Theater Megacorp.

    OTHER PLACES OF INTEREST:

          THE GARAGE: on J.F.K. Street.  A mini-mall and student hang-out
             whose interior is inexplicably designed like a parking garage.
          OUT OF TOWN NEWS: Perhaps the largest news stand you will ever see,
             located in the heart of Harvard Square, carrying newspapers from
             cities you've never heard of.
          THE FUNNY FARM:  A little shop located on Eliot Street; hard to
             find but worth the effort.  They sell many varieties of wind-up,
             battery-driven, and otherwise-mobile toys.  It's a place where
             you can find store owners almost certainly stranger than
             yourself.
          CATCH A RISING STAR: on J.F.K. Street.  Not-yet-ready-for-the-club-
             scene performers.
          THE SPORTS CLUB: on J.F.K. Street. Particularly amusing to observe
             the patrons when the Red Sox/Patriots/Celtics/Bruins are losing
             a critical game, as they so frequently do.
          THE CHARLES RIVER: No, that's not a store or a shop.  That's the
             real, actual river.  It's pronounced, "Chaahhles."  There's a
             nice little park along the banks.
          STREET PERFORMERS: all over the place during warm afternoons and
             evenings, particularly on weekends.  Some of them are quite
             good.

Many stores sell "official Harvard insignia" clothing, mugs, pencils,
notebooks, and just about anything else you can think of, including towels.
All of it is overpriced.  A word of warning to avoid embarrassment:  the
"Harvard Co-operative Society" book/everything-else store (located on Mass
Av.) is called, "The Coop."  Not, "The Co-op," but, "The Coop."  As in
"chicken."  This is simply yet another inexplicable aspect of the greater
Boston area.
%e
*EOA*


%t Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute
%n 2R4
%s A hitchhiker's view of RPI
%a Jesse Mundis  ([e-mail])
%d 19910410
%i RPI
%e
Greetings all you hoopy hitchhikers out there!  I congratulate you on your
choice of reading material.  But enough with small talk, you want to know
about RPI, so here we go:

RPI was founded in 1824 by Stephan VanRensselaer.  It resides in Troy, NY,
USA, Earth.

"Enough with the history," I hear you cry, "get on with the good stuff."  Ok,
calm down.  I spent four years doing research on this subject (and managed
to get a degree there at the same time!) so I can assure you that everything
I write is completely, blindingly, factual, except the bits that aren't.

Food: A subject near and dear to the hearts, and other squishy bits that
do the same thing but are different colors and shapes from hearts, of many
hitchhikers.  Campus meal service is provided by Daka (day-ka) which I
presume stands for Dreadful Awful KA-ka.  Some areas are better than others,
but other than lunches, which were quite well prepared, the prudent
hitchhiker is advised to eat out, or cook for themselves.

Money: Don't worry, you won't have any.  Tuition is 347,556.003 Zambinian
Froodles (see current exchange rate at your local branch of the Galactic
Bank).  I'm still paying off student loans.  My suggestion here... hang out
in a dirty space port, it's much cheaper.

Weather: It's fantastic!  That is, if you come from a water world.  For those
of you who prefer to remain dry, I'd recommend skipping this one.

Local sites: Points of interest around the RPI/Troy area include:  Uncle
Sam Atrium (yes, the old guy with the funny hat who wants you came from
Troy), "The Egg" in Albany Plaza (a large structure obviously left by
visiting, concrete, avian, aliens), The Rolls (a cozy little below-the-street
bar in Troy where Roy Atkinson plays folk music Wednesday nights.  A
definite three tentacles up for this place!!), and "The Approach" (the
collapsing stairway which once was the main entrance to campus).  No visiting
Hitchhiker should miss these sites.

REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF: Parties and social life!  These things actually do
exist on the RPI campus.  This is an interesting phenomenon since RPI has a
more unbalanced ratio than MIT does.  Even so, many fun and exciting parties
can be found with a group of students and non-students called The RPI
Players.  They are the theater group on campus, and hoopier froods will not
be sassed anywhere.  They hold "Cast Parties" after the closing night show of
a performance.  If a hitchhiker is of legal age for his/hers/its species,
they may partake of a drink called Players Punch.  This liquid, usually
pinkish in color, is about as close to a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster as you
may hope to find on this boring little planet.

Final Review: Its a bit over priced, and pressure can get to some, but
overall I'd have to say that my four year research assignment at RPI was
an enjoyable time.  I'd advise other researchers to go and back up my
findings.  My final rating of RPI is: Mostly Harmless.
%e
*EOA*


%t Algonquin Park, Ontario, Canada, Earth
%n 2R5
%s Buzz Buzz Slap, Paddle Paddle Splash.
%a Loren Haarsma  ([e-mail])
%d 19920304
%x Earth
%e
Remarkable as it may seem, some people actually enjoy camping and canoeing
for several days at a time.

This article is not the right place to discuss the intricacies of camping,
and this author is certainly not the right person to discuss them.
Everything you should know about camping-in-general -- from choosing tents
and sleeping bags and food, to how to pack and carry a backpack, to what
items you should take with you (like a first aid kit), to stringing up your
backpacks at night so that the large and exceedingly noisy raccoons can't
raid them, to developing an attitude which enjoys hardship, pain and
deprivation -- is true about camping in Algonquin Park.  I will instead
focus on the unique joys and hardships posed by this particular location.

Most of the time, it is not at all difficult to see why a majority of
Canada's population chooses to live in southern Ontario.  During certain
times of the year, however, other locations in Canada hold certain
attractions.  If your idea of "fun" is sleeping on uneven rocky surfaces,
spending hours cooking pre-packaged food, walking long distances over
winding paths carrying heavy burdens, and occasionally getting yourself and
all of your belongings uncontrollably tossed into deep water; then you
might consider canoeing and camping in Algonquin Park (about 240 km north
of Toronto), where the air is fresh, the lakes are clear, evergreens cover
the hills, and you are surrounded by the sounds of nature.

The most important sound of nature is of course the incessant whine of
mosquitoes.  You would think that in a large, northern national park which
has many lakes and streams, that the mosquitoes would be as large as birds
and capable of flying off with your dinner, or indeed your family pet.  But
this is only true of some of them; most of them are exactly the right size to
fly into your ear and buzz around in there for hours.  All of them are quite
capable of biting you through clothing, including, apparently, denim.  And
this brings us to our first item.

The Most Important Item You Can Carry While Camping In Algonquin:  REPELLANT.

Large amounts of mosquito repellant.  Take two or three brands with you.  If
the first brand you use isn't effective after ten minutes or so, Don't Wait!
Immediately switch to another brand, and keep switching until you find one
which works.  If you fail to do this, the many dozens of bites you receive in
the first few hours will drive you mad for days thereafter.  Don't skimp on
the repellant; buy the expensive brands if you think they might work better.
Mosquitoes are the only bothersome insect late in the summer, but in June and
early July there may well be other biting insects to worry about, such as
blackflies.

Another sound of nature you will likely encounter at Algonquin is the
bellowing of the majestic moose.  You are most likely to encounter this
bellowing throughout the night after a long day of paddling and portaging
when all you want to do is get some sleep, except that the moose standing a
few hundred meters from your camp has other plans for the night and is trying
to attract other moose in order to make its plans come true.  You might wish
to take a camera with you to Algonquin, because it is quite possible --
although not necessarily wise -- that you will get the chance to paddle your
canoe to within just a few meters of a moose.

The sound of nature which compensates for the mosquitoes and the moose is, of
course, the call(s) of the loon.  The first time you hear these birds, you
will understand their name; you might also get a glimmering of why Canadians
chose the loon for their national bird and stamped its likeness on their $1
coins.  The call of the loon in the early morning when you have just
awakened, or in the evening after sunset, is one of the most astonishingly
beautiful things you will ever hear, and never gets tiresome.

You can rent canoes, life preservers, and paddles right at the park; the only
thing you need to bring with you is your camping equipment.  Actually, there
is a store which sells camping equipment at the park, but the prices are
pretty much what you would expect at a government-owned-and-operated store
located right at the entry point.

Algonquin Park is huge.  There are many dozens of lakes, most of which have a
few widely separated campsites on them.  If you really want to "get away from
people" for a while, then you should plan on a MINIMUM of 5 days (two days
moving out from the point of entry, two days to get back).  Naturally, the
longer you plan to stay "out," the farther into the park you can get, the
fewer and fewer people you will meet, and the heavier and heavier your
backpack will be when you start.  You might be tempted to canoe/portage "as
fast as possible" for the first half of your trip, to see how far "out" you
can get and to take in as much scenery as possible -- which forces you to
move fast on your return trip as well -- but you should definitely consider
setting aside at least one day to take it very easy, moving very slowly or
indeed not at all.  Although the scenery is beautiful, it is quite frankly --
aside from a small waterfall here or a strange island with all burnt-out
trees there -- pretty much the same in one part of the park as another, so
just take it easy and enjoy the scenery where you are.

It is a good idea to contact the Park authorities several weeks in advance to
ask them about camping conditions.  It is an even better idea to ask them to
send you a detailed map of Algonquin, and to LAMINATE that map before you
arrive.  And this brings us to a very important topic.

WATERPROOFING:  You will need to waterproof everything in your backpack.
Garbage bags work for clothing.  Bring plenty of rope to act as clothesline,
just in case.  Certain vital necessities which cannot stand water, such as
toilet paper, should be double-bagged.  Since it is absolutely impossible to
avoid getting your feet wet, you should bring TWO pairs of shoes.  (Squishing
around the campsite all evening in soggy shoes is second only to mosquito
bites as a source of mental instability in campers.)  Since most of the
portages are short, hiking boots are probably not needed; and it should be
pointed out that hiking boots, once wet, simply do not dry out during the
lifetime of a normal vacation.

FOOD and WATER:  Bring a portable stove; campfires are not allowed from time
to time when there hasn't been enough rain.  The water in most of the lakes
is perfectly drinkable ONCE IT HAS BEEN BOILED.  Paddling is hard work, so
bring large canteens which you can fill each morning with boiled water.  A
useful trick is to bring gallon milk jugs with screw-on caps:  fill with
boiled water, seal, and put it the lake for rapid cooling; tie empty jugs to
backpacks for buoyancy.

TIE THE BACKPACKS ONTO THE CANOE while paddling.  I would hope this one was
pretty obvious.

SUNGLASSES are very useful, and very easy to lose.

CAMPSITES are generally well separated from each other.  They consist of
nothing more than some open space in which to pitch one or two tents (usually
with some pine needles for padding), a bare patch of ground to build a fire
or set your stove, and an open-box latrine a few dozen meters away.  You are
responsible for keeping the campsites perfectly clean, which means CARRYING
ALL OF YOUR GARBAGE OUT WITH YOU.  Use only biodegradable soap.

Some campsites are better than others.  It's a good idea to pick a site and
set up camp early, a few hours before sunset.  This allows you to pitch
tents, cook dinner, go for a leisurely swim, and, most importantly, memorize
the path to the latrine, before dark.

CANOEING:  Bring along an extra paddle.  It'll be might difficult trying to
get back to the entry point one paddle short.  Since canoeing involves a lot
of sitting, cushion-type floatation devices provide a vital service which
vest-types cannot.

Lakes are by far the most common feature of Algonquin, but there are also
rivers, streams, a few marshes, and even a waterfall or two.  (Canoeing over
a waterfall is NOT recommended.)  On the rivers, expect to encounter beaver
dams.  The first few will be amusing, but after that you will start thinking
thoughts about stylish fur caps.

PORTAGES:  A typical day of canoeing in Algonquin will include half a dozen
portages.  Their length is typically a few hundred meters.  A few portages
are longer than 1 kilometer, and they should be positively avoided!  I can
categorically state that you will not be having fun during long portages.
Mosquitoes seem to KNOW to congregate at landing sites for portages.  You
might consider renting a shoulder harness to help carry the canoe.  And the
extra money it costs to rent the lighter Kevlar canoes is definitely worth it!
%e
*EOA*


%t Berlin, Germany, Earth
%n 2R6
%s An ultimately nice, really megafrood place.
%a Klaus v. Knoblauch  ([e-mail])
%d 19920629
%x Earth
%e
Well I'd suppose you'll reach Berlin by anything, doesn't matter, as long as
you're there.  There is lot to say about how to fool the East-German customs
officers and buy tax-free booze and fags in transit through DDR and get them
into town; however, since they've torn the wall, which is widely considered
a bad move, and has made many people quite angry, this has become
immaterial.  The only reason I mention it at all, is to produce more lines
and to pretend that I'd know it.

The Wall:

first of all a little joke:

Do you know why the chinese people always show such a mysterious smile,
expressing something like "Well, I know that you'd love to know why I'm
grinning like this, but I won't tell, 'cause if I did you'd be wondering why
someone can grin like that for such reasons." ?

Well, they do so because their Chinese Wall is still undamaged.

Since the wall was torn down in 1990, it can no longer be visited.  But you
can still buy pieces of it from many street dealers.  Don't worry, if you can
visit Berlin only in late 2001, there'll be still street dealers, selling
those nice lightly colored Original-Berliner-Mauer-Brick-Parts, and there will
always be smart froods spraying graffities to house-walls, tearing them down
and sell the parts to tourists (slang expression Turissis).  There's more to
say about these street dealers and the Russian army caps, wrist watches and
Kalashnikows they sell, but this will come under 'Souvenirs.'

Culture:

There is.  Buy a Berlin-Culture-Guide; it lists all museums, galleries,
concert halls, churches, congress places and public lavatories.  Buying it,
you'll not only get all important information, but also help the suffering
tourist-industry-managers to a new Mercedes car.  Thank You for doing so.

Music:

There is.  Buy ear protecting devices.

Universities:

There are several: the Free University, the Technical University, The Humbold
University, The Hochschule der Kuenste, and a public lavatory.  They all are
places for students to hang around, drink a lot, breed new students, and give
free UseNet access to them.  Irrelevant, completely.

The Zoo:

There are.  Yes, are!  Berlin has two zoo's (actually three) due to the fact,
that before the wall was torn, everything had to be kept in two copies, one
for the capitalist WEST-BERLIN and one for the communist HAUPTSTADT DER DDR.
Now, that Berlin has become the capital of Germany, for most of these, only
the capitalist ones survived.  Exceptions to this rule prove it.  The third
'Zoo' is actually referring to a big railroad station, but many interesting
lifeforms can be watched here, too.  The (former-has-been) West-Berlin Zoo is
called Zoo (Zoologischer Garten).  As you enter it, beware of one of the
elephants, which likes to throw sand at the tourists.  In the carnivore-house
beware of one of the lions, which likes to piss at the tourists.  In the
night-animal house beware of pickpockets.  The (now-no-longer) East-Berlin
zoo is called Der Tierpark which could be translated as 'The Animal Park'
which is nonsense.  No _special_ precautions are necessary.

Sex:

There is.  Buy a Berlin-Sex-Guide, it lists all sexshops, gay-sexshops, porno
cinemas, brothels, single-whores and public lavatories.  Buying it, you'll
not only get all important information, but also help the suffering tourist-
industry-managers to a new Mercedes car.  Thank You for doing so.

The Ku-Damm (Kurfuerstendamm):

Like in many other cities, there is a thing like downtown in Berlin, only, it
is not called downtown, towncentre or any other commonly used expression,
but The Ku-Damm.  Don't get misled by the fact that there is also a road
called Ku-Damm, this is only the center of the towncentre.  There are other
really frood spots in town rather than The Ku-Damm, but you should visit them
only if you are:

          a) after fun,
          b) owning a knife or gun or are familiar with karate
             and other survival techniques
          c) will not easily be recognized to be a tourissi.

History:

There is.  Buy a Berlin-History-Guide, it lists all castles, small castles,
government castles, old churches, new churches, parliament house and public
lavatories.  Buying it, you'll not only get all important information, but
also help the suffering tourist-industry-managers to a new Mercedes car.
Thank You for doing so.

Sightseeing-Tours:

They are a rip.  Better hire a cab and tell the driver to take you to the
next corner on the fastest way.  You'll have a lot more fun (especially when
you see the bill :-) ).

Adventures:

There are many adventures to join in Berlin.  A very good place for doing so
is Kreuzberg (crosshill).  Again, don't get misled by the hill Kreuzberg,
which is also in Berlin, but at a completely different place.  SO36 (ESSO
sexondthryssik, phonetically spelled) is what you should tell the cab-driver.
Getting a cab driver taking you there is already the first adventure.
Joining adventures in Kreuzberg is simple: Shave your head and just move
around.  The adventure (skinhead-loathing turks, asians, east-europeans,
italians or any other intelligent live forms will approach on you and take
care of everything else, including your mortal remains.  These will be taken
care of by the BSR, who have a special department for this, and will be
recycled as Doner-Kebab, Hamburger or Curry-Wurst later of which tastes
almost absolutely but not completely not like a hotdog.

Science:

There is.  Buy a Berlin-Science-Guide, it lists all Universities, Institutes,
Experimental stations, nature observing stations, astronomical observatories
and public lavatories.  Buying it, you'll not only get all important
information, but also help the suffering tourist-industry-managers to a new
Mercedes car.  Thank You for doing so.

Souvenirs:

Well, you know, there are this souvenir-shops.  They are exactly like in each
other town, only instead London-Tower-models they sell Funkturm-models and
instead Saint-Pauls-T-shirts they sell Kaiser-Wilhelm-Gedaechtnis-Kirche-
T-shirts.  A lot more fun to buy souvenirs from are those many street
dealers, which I already mentioned above. These smart froods make their
living out of the fact, that the wall was torn down, the real-existing-
socialism in the (former-has-been) USSR has crashed and the Russian,
American, English and French soldiers move out of Berlin.  Especially the
russians are most valuable for them: after all that Crash (Wall, Socialism,
USSR etc.) first happened, many Russian soldiers sold their army-caps,
medals, onion-style watches and Kalashnikovs.  Meanwhile, all these
Original-Russian-Army-Souvenirs are all standard 'Made in Hong Kong' Quality,
and of course the Kalashnikovs are no longer sold (except the Made-in-
Taiwan-plastic-ones).

Tea (where to get a cup of...):

In almost every restaurant, but in no public lavatories you'll be served
tea.  You can get Ceylon-, Broken Orange Pekoe-, Darjeeling-, Russian-,
Turkish, Japanese-, several fruit and haschisch (cannabis) tea.
%e
*EOA*


*
*
* UNREAL (Fiction) ARTICLES -- 8
*
*   1U1    -- Orgins of the Guide
*   2U1    -- Thirty-seven Ways to Deep Sea Fish with Four Feet...
*   2U2    -- Galactic Postal Service
*   2U3    -- Radio
*   2U5    -- Absolute Zero
*   2U6    -- Justice Lipo Ligantis
*   2U7    -- Easy ways to save money
*   2U8    -- Important Tips for Youngsters
*
*


%t Origins Of The Guide
%n 1U1
%s The Plithkud People Of Albidris IV Claim Credit
%a Mark Anthony Young  ([e-mail])
%d 19920124
%i Guide Origins
%e
The idea of collecting Guide entries is not as funny as many modern people
believe.  The idea is clearly very old.  Some people say that the origin of
the idea is lost in the mists of time, but the Plithkud people of Albidris
IV claim credit for it in the name of their founding father of philosophy,
Sendri Cholkuth Bork Bork Bork (name shortened for presentational purposes).

The Shimil people of Albidris IV are not surprised at this claim, but they do
not credit it.  "Those Plithkuds are a bunch of idea-thieving, good for
nothing morons.  They haven't had an original thought in aeons, and that old
charlatan blowhard piece of dried-up turd was the worst of the lot.  He's an
embarrassment to the whole planet, not to mention the Plithkuds, which we
hardly ever do."

Still, perseverance in the face of criticism is a Plithkud ideal ("They need
it," say the Shimils).  Researchers from the Imperial University at Gondanala
say that the Plithkuds are the second most perseverant people in the galaxy
(they talk like that -- they're academics).  The most perseverant, they go on
to say (as we know they would -- academics love to talk), are the Jogoth
people of Aniander III.  The Jogoths have the most highly advanced
bureaucracy ever devised by any sentient species.  In order to eat breakfast
the normal Jogoth has to fill out seventeen forms in triplicate, indicating
what they intend to eat, how they intend to prepare it, who will be eating
with them (the other people also have to fill out seventeen forms, and the
bureaucrats will not stint in their efforts to check the forms against each
other), what the seating arrangement will be at the table (an extra form
required if the meal is to be served at the counter, and another if it is to
be eaten standing up), what steps have been taken to ensure that no one
present has had this same dish for breakfast in the past ten days, and a
dozen other forms besides.  Rather than being daunted for this, the average
Jogoth affirms that "it's nice to have some light paperwork to get you
started in the morning."

The Plithkuds are not bothered by the accusations of their neighbors.  "Those
Shimils are just a bunch of liars," they say.  "And jealous, too," they add,
"because _their_ philosophers didn't think up as many things as _our_
philosophers."  "Get real," say the Shamils.  "Thhhhphphpht," say the
Plithkuds.
%e
*EOA*


%t Thirty-Seven Ways To Deep Sea Fish With Four Feet Of Dental Floss
%s A fun and challenging activity for the sports enthusiast
%a Mark Anthony Young and Kristian Wiklund
%d 19920115
%f FICTION
%n 2U1
%x Recreational Impossibilities
%i Dental Floss And Deep Sea Fishing
%i Deep Sea Fishing And Dental Floss
%e
It is, of course, perfectly ludicrous to suggest that anyone can deep sea
fish with four feet of dental floss.  Dental floss is a controlled substance
in this galaxy, and possession of amounts in excess of 12 millimeters is
punishable by a fine of 30,000 Altarian dollars and/or seventy-five years at
hard labor.

Nevertheless, our researchers have braved untold horrors and the galactic
legal system (a horror that everyone should be told about) to bring you the
following list of ways that you might _try_ to deep sea fish with four feet
of dental floss.

          1) Go to the building at the end of Beeblebrox Lane (just about
     every city in the galaxy has a Beeblebrox Lane, and each has a large,
     decrepit building at the end; trust us, we've checked).  Knock three
     times slowly, then twice fast.  When they answer the door, say Zaphod
     sent you.  At the end of the hall you will see a door marked "Private.
     Do Not Enter."  Go in.  (Trust us.)  Address yourself to the person
     behind the desk (pay no attention to the armed thugs that will try to
     block your way, or possibly to kill you).  Say that you know where you
     can find some dental floss, and you'd like a deep sea fishing fleet for
     the information.  Settle for a single fishing vessel.  (Let us know if
     this works.)

          2) Stash the dental floss in a friend's home.  Phone Galactic
     Security and inform them that you know who's behind the recent rash of
     dental floss abuse in the area.  Use the reward money to buy a deep sea
     fishing vessel, and to get some plastic surgery done so that your friend
     can't find you when they get out.

          3) Stash the dental floss in your friend's home.  Phone them up and
     tell them that you know about the dental floss, but you won't squeal if
     they buy you a deep sea fishing vessel.  (If they balk, see number 2,
     above.)

          4) Become a judge of the Galactic Superior Court.  Find yourself
     guilty of possession of dental floss, and find yourself 30,000 Altarian
     dollars.  Pay the find from the department's petty cash, but lose the
     paperwork and use the cash to buy a fishing vessel.

          5) Find someone who can't count (they're all over the place).  Tell
     them you have one hundred feet of fishing line that you'll let them have
     if they take you deep sea fishing.  Use a foot ruler to measure out the
     dental floss, counting carefully: "one, two, five, one hundred."  Make
     sure they don't get close enough to detect the substitution.

          100) Go to Pandenteris V.  The oceans of that planet are remarkably
     shallow, obtaining a depth of no more than seven feet.  Wade into the
     sea (being careful not to fall off the continental shelf unless you are
     more than seven feet tall) and drop one end of the floss into the ocean,
     baited with some worm or other (do not use the local worms, since they
     are a protected species, and in any case they are so mean that they
     would shoot you if you looked sideways at them, let alone tried to make
     a meal of them for the Pandenterian fishes).  By local standards, you
     are now "deep sea fishing."

          85) Borrow a time machine from a friend (not the one you tried
     number 3 on).  Carefully note the time.  Every ten minutes for the next
     hour, take your dental floss back to the noted time (be sure to move
     somewhat to one side each time you go back).  Tie your piece of dental
     floss on to the end of the floss that is already there.  Leave the floss
     and return to when you came from.  When you get back you will find the
     two pieces tied together, resulting in a piece of dental floss twice as
     long as the one you took with you.  In this way you will double the
     length of the floss every ten minutes.  After sixty minutes you will
     have a piece of dental floss one hundred twenty-eight feet long.  Then
     you can try passing the floss off as fishing line (as in number 5) to
     people who _can_ count.  (Try to get out and back as quickly as
     possible, as the people from the Campaign for Real Time will be coming
     after that dental floss as soon as they can, which might be real soon
     since they also have access to time machines.)

          9) Buy some *bad* meat and boil it until it is *very* sticky.  Then
     take a walk down to the beach and throw the meat into the ocean.  The
     local fish community will eat of it and soon they notice that their
     teeth are unclean -- now it's time to do the actual fishing.

     Take a small piece of paper, write "Dental Floss Sale This Way" on it
     and draw an arrow pointing upward.  Tie one foot of the dental floss to
     the top of the sign.  (First you must disguise the dental floss by
     painting it red, simulating blood.  No one wants to use second-hand
     dental floss.) Tie the other end to a small flotation device.

     Next thing to do is to get a long stick (30-40 feet) and put a bucket at
     the end of it.  Type "Dental Floss Lives in This Bucket" on the bottom
     of it and tie the rest of the dental floss to the bucket handle so that
     the fish must jump between the actual bucket and its handle.

     Now, position the bucket-stick-thing hanging with the bucket a few
     inches above the water.  Throw the sign into the ocean and wait.

     Soon the fishes will start jumping out of the water, trying to reach the
     dental floss.  As some of them actually manage to get hold of the floss,
     they will end up in the bottom of the bucket.

          37) Go to the building at the end of Beeblebrox Lane.  Knock three
     times slowly, then twice fast.  When they answer the door, say Zaphod
     sent you.  Go down into the basement (be careful not to let the doorman
     see you go down).  Place a stick of Mega-Blast Explosives and
     Incendiaries' Best under the room at the end of the hall.  Bump into
     something, but try to make it sound like an accident (do NOT bump into
     the explosive, nor knock anything onto it -- you're trying to go
     fishing, not flying).  When the thugs from the room above find you, grin
     sheepishly and say "Oops."  You'll be with the fishes in no time (don't
     forget to take the dental floss)!
%e
*EOA*


%t Galactic Postal Service
%s Through rain or sleet or dark of night, most of which don't exist in space
%a Mark Anthony Young  ([e-mail])
%d 19920124
%f FICTION
%n 2U2
%x Important Tips for Youngsters
%x Milliways Principle
%i Post Office
%i Mail Service
rem * %x Mail R Us, Co. Ltd.
rem * %x Late Imperial Period
rem * %x Galactic Couriers
%e
The Galactic Postal Service has a long and illustrious history, according to
their own private historian, Belthenk Milgrondius Pifter.  It was founded
back in the Late Imperial Period by Fronk Sindik Pifter.  At that time it was
called the Penny Post, and operated on the Milliways Principle.  That is, you
deposit one penny in a bank account and the cost of the mailing was collected
from the interest.

What the earlier Pifter failed to mention, and what many of his customers did
not know, was that the letter was not actually sent until enough interest had
accumulated to pay the rate.  This resulted in several letters not being
delivered until well after the addressee's demise.  These letters usually
could not be returned to the sender, since the sender too had shuffled off
this mortal coil (incidentally, many of them did not "shuffle off" at all,
but were rather dragged off, kicking and screaming, at the Great Penny Post
Protest, an event the latter Pifter does not mention in his histories: seems
some of the customers got wind of the fact that letters were not being sent
right away, and organized to get their money (and letters) back; some angry
words were exchanged, fighting broke out, and twenty-four people were killed;
the story was pushed off the news-casts by a rumor that Hotblack Desiato was
going to marry teenage super-model-singing-star-movie-star-plumber
Madonellica, in spite of his recent demise for tax purposes [ it never
happened -- ed. ] ).

When the delays inherent in the Penny Post became apparent, many customers
switched to the faster Angranthean Express.  This service required a greater
initial investment (the entire rate was paid up front), but sped your letter
through the galaxy, giving technicians ample time to refuel and maintain the
speedsters.  Unfortunately, it also gave them time to take the speedsters out
on joy-rides that more often than not ended up crashing into a local
uncharted asteroid (asteroid charts were notoriously inaccurate in those
days: Galactic Security had decided that accurate asteroid charts would be a
great boon to any invading space navy, so not having said charts would be a
great deterrent; the fact that more people were killed by uncharted asteroids
than by invading navies only encouraged the theorists at GS: "It must be
working, then," they said).

The Angranthean Express went bankrupt after only a few years of operation,
and was absorbed by the Penny Post, which then changed its name to the
Galactic Postal Service, which is what we have today.  It is to Belthenk
Pifter's eternal credit that he managed to convince us that this was an
interesting story.

Finally, we should note that GPS regulations require that all materials sent
by post be Quite Flame Proof.  This is tested by the simple expedient of
setting fire to every piece of mail that comes into their possession.  Since
no one office trusts any other office to do this test correctly, it is
carried out at every office on the letter's route.  This means that most mail
arrives in a charred state with numerous (partially burned) "Certified
Flameproof" stickers attached.
%e
*EOA*


%t Radio
%s Radiomusic prevents spreading of AIDS
%a Felix Buebl
%d 19920111
%f FICTION
%n 2U3
%i Disaster Area
%i AIDS
%i HIV-Positive
%e
In the days when Disaster Area was only the nickname for hairdresser's shops
and not the later well-known chart-breaking band, this little planet had a
problem with a virus called HIV, spreading AIDS.

Many attempts were made to stop this various spreading, until a clean method
was developed.  This method is called _Radio_.

R.A.D.I.O. (Reach All Dulls In Order To Keep Them From Fucking Around - the
last parts of this abbreviation were later dropped because people believed
"Radiotktofa" to be a Russian abuse rather than a medical program) was used
to play the most nauseating music available.

Everyone who listened long enough to this repugnant garbage became impotent.
And the music was repulsive enough to keep even the viruses from reproducing.
So, the scientists had enough time to develop a cure.

A fascinating effect was, many inhabitants of Earth seemed to _enjoy_ this
music.  They were of course disappointed when - after a cure for AIDS had
been found -- the Air Force bombed the transmitters.
%e
*EOA*


%t Absolute Zero
%n 2U5
%s Bitterness and Particle Physics
%a Elizabeth Barett Revulsion
%d 19920514
%i Freezing Point
%i Zero
%i Zilch
%i Bitterness
%i Particle Physics
%e
Absolute Zero, 1.  The exact amount of sympathy you can expect to get for
your pathetic little problems in this cold, hard, Bugblatter Beast eat
Bugblatter Beast universe.  Wake up, Bubbie!  This is the real Galaxy and
none of your mothers work here!  As the great Altairian philosopher Bobo
the Plutarch once said, "Laugh and the Galaxy laughs with you.  Cry, and
some really heinously unhoopy Vogon will rip out your vital internal
organs and shove them up your nose just because he's suffering from a
little post-lunch gas and wants to work off his frustration."

So this is my advice to you: fight hard.  Drink hard.  Walk alone.  Pack
a blaster that can take out a large metropolitan area.  If you meet a
strag, kick him in the shin and then while he's distracted gouge out
one eye and spit in the other one.  If you meet another hitchhiker, first
peel off all his skin with a Skinsu Skin Peeler (TM) and then cover him
with an inflammable substance and set him on fire.  Especially if that
hitchhiker is my SOB of an ex-boyfriend, Fluffy Ziffle, last seen in a
mint green El Camino Megajalopy headed for Golgafrincham.

Before you peel him, tell him I'm Extremely happy.  So happy they have to
sedate me and keep me in restraints so I don't do something dangerous
in the throes of sheer rapture.  Also, I don't care if he gives me my
Disaster Area record back!  And that goes double for what's-her-face!

Absolute Zero, 2.  The temperature of 0 degrees Kelvin, at which all
particle movement ceases.  The most interesting thing about 0 degrees
Kelvin is that all music played at this temperature closely resembles one
song from an obscure planet named "Earth". [see Earth]  The song is called
"I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got" and the songwriter is known as
Sin Eadoconner for arcane reasons which seem related to severe hair loss.

A temperature actually colder than 0 degrees Kelvin has been discovered in
the Movie Megatheathers of the Summer Planet of Thur.  There, the mean
temperature is -7 degrees Kelvin.  Interestingly, all music in the Movie
Megatheaters of the Summer Planet of Thur sounds like an extended dance
mix of "I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got" by Sin Eadoconner.  The
popularity of the Movie Megatheaters has declined rapidly in recent
years.
%e
*EOA*


%t Ligantis, Justice Lipo
%s Man can rationalize anything he has a mind to do.  - Benjamin Franklin
%n 2U6
%a Loren Haarsma  ([e-mail])
%d 19920217
%i Lipo Ligantis
%i Justice Lipo Ligantis
%e
Impartial; honest; hard-working; scholarly; trustworthy; compassionate; wise.
None of these words have ever been used to describe Junior Justice Lipo
Ligantis of the Galactic Supreme Court.  He is famous, or rather infamous, as
the second-best-known judicial figure in galactic history [ed. note:  after
His High Judgmental Supremacy, Judiciary Pag L.I.V.R.] for his ability to
take any excellent idea, any wise decision, or any personally compromising
situation, and stand it on its head to his own advantage.

Lipo Ligantis began his climb to fame like so many of his fellow lawyers,
corporate executives, movie producers, and paranoid homicidal maniacs:  as a
play-by-play announcer for Brockian Ultra Cricket.  During one
fateful match, the tri-D picture feed was lost, but Lipo Ligantis continued
to describe the senseless violence, the blood, the mayhem, the acts of
carnage and depravity, and the sincere apologies, with such flair and penache
that his viewership rating not only held steady, but actually grew at a
remarkable rate so that, four hours later when the picture feed was finally
repaired, Lipo's descriptions no longer bore the slightest resemblance to
what was actually happening on the playing field.  The network executives,
quick to spot the trend, called their accountants, who in turn called their
sponsors' accountants, who in turn called the playing teams' accountants, who
called the team managers, who called the coaches, and thereafter every game
of Brockian Ultra Cricket was carefully choreographed to follow Lipo's
pre-written format.

The game, the network, and Lipo Ligantis were all rocketing in popularity
when, during one such game, it was suddenly revealed that the whole thing was
a hoax.  It was then that he first showed his genius for quick thinking.
Facing the horrible wrath of ten billion upset Brockian Ultra Cricket fans,
Lipo hastily handed out musical instruments to all the players, thereby
launching the career of what immediately became one of the most popular heavy
metal rock bands in galactic history, while Lipo's play-by-play scripts
became the most listened-to and most often-quoted rock lyrics of that era.

During his career as a rock band manager, Lipo Ligantis' fame continued to
grow because of his well-publicized acts of unspeakable cruelty, his drug
deals of astonishing scope and intricacy, and his speeches of breathtaking
arrogance (and, occasionally, political subversion), all of which he
performed on stage while introducing his band at live concerts.  His
OFF-stage activities are rather too numerous to summarize here; they can be
found in _The Annals of Galactic Jurisprudence_ Volumes 1345-1521.  At his
peak, in addition to managing the rock band, Lipo Ligantis was successfully
defending himself in over 1358 criminal and civil cases simultaneously.

He then disappeared into the shadowy underworld of recording company
executives and music publication deals.  Nothing is known of his activities
except that, two years later, he emerged with a 75 percent controlling
interest in every major musical group then existing.  [Ed. note:  due to our
failure to receive any reports during the last week, we are once again
opening up the post of Recording Industry Correspondent.  Orphans only need
apply.]

It was at this point that then Galactic President Thralby Twobedo appointed
Lipo Ligantis to the Supreme Court.  For the next two years, the most watched
channels on the sub-etha bands were those carrying the Galactic Senate's
confirmation hearings.  Meanwhile, with the attention of the Senate, the
media, and the entire galactic law enforcement community fixed on the past
and present activities of Ligantis, President Twobedo and his administration
were able to systematically pillage the government of practically all of its
assets and then slip into immensely wealthy and inexplicably obscure
retirement.

When Ligantis was finally allowed to speak in his own behalf at the Senate
hearings, he did not deny any of the charges leveled against him.  Instead,
he argued with such eloquence, that since he had personally broken virtually
every law ever written he was in a very good position to adjudicate such
matters, that he was confirmed unanimously.

Justice Lipo Ligantis' dialectic skills served him well on the Court, where
he wrote some of the most famous dissenting opinions ever conceived.  Among
the most remarkable are "Impoverished Citizens of Beyard Minor vs. the
Military Industrial Complex", in which he argued that peacetime is the best
time to spend massive amounts of money to develop new weapons systems (there
are fewer distractions then); "Teachers Association vs. the Galactic Board of
Education" in which he showed that the best way to raise children to be good,
intelligent, happy, and hard-working citizens is to forbid schools from
teaching any systematic form of morality whatsoever; "The State vs. Allegra
Pileria" in which he ruled that in order for the police to arrest anyone,
they must first have a letter signed by a judge stating their intention NOT
to arrest the individual (thereby insuring "good faith" on the part of the
police); and "The Galactic Supreme Court vs. Junior Justice Lipo Ligantis"
in which he reasoned that the rulings of the Court itself were invalid and
that therefore only his own dissenting opinions had the force of law.

It was of course because of his ability to present utter nonsense in such a
compelling form, as demonstrated in these decisions and many more like them,
that, upon his retirement from the Court, Ligantis was immediately offered
the job of President of the Marketing of Division of the Sirius Cybernetics
Corporation, a post which he held until his final, highly-publicized, utterly
mysterious, and completely predictable, disappearance.

There can be little doubt that Lipo Ligantis' presence on the Court caused a
great deal of resentment among his fellow Justices, not to mention the entire
legal community.  Ligantis could virtually determine the Court's position on
any case simply by advocating the opposite view.  Indeed, most scholars at
the Ligantis Institute for Clever Thinking today agree that this is
precisely what he did, although his dissenting opinions were so well-argued
that they frequently became law a few years later anyway.  However, a growing
minority of scholars argue that THIS in fact is what Justice Ligantis had in
mind all along.
%e
*EOA*


%t Easy Ways To Save Money
%n 2U7
%s A few good hints how to save lots of money easily
%a Seppo J Niemi  ([e-mail])
%d 19920311
%i Saving Money
%e
Saving money is really important for a modern hitch-hiker. In the past,
rovers (the equivalent of modern hitch-hiker) were often given food
and lodgings in large, wealthy farmhouses for free; and if they were
lucky, they might even get a chance to sneak into the daughter's
bedroom.

Nowadays, you have to pay for everything.  It is generally known, even
among the economists (who usually don't know more about anything at
all than a shrimp somewhere in the Atlantic ocean knows about Italian
pizza), that there is no such thing as a free lunch.  Simply staying
alive is so expensive that only few can actually afford it.  Trying to
find a cheap place to spend the night is becoming more and more
difficult, especially in the larger cities, where you will most probably
have to rent an expensive room.  And if you want to sneak into somebody's
bedroom, that's going to cost you a fortune.  Trying to save every penny
you can is therefore vitally important.

Since it is often said that saving money is very hard, almost impossible,
here are a few tips to help a hitch-hiker realize that it is not.  Saving
is actually just about the easiest thing imaginable.

First thing to do in order to save money is to start smoking at least
three or four packets of cigarettes a day.  If that doesn't seem to be
enough, you can always start drinking as well; but you must remember
to drink only the best whiskeys and wines available.  And if you want
even bigger savings, gambling is the next step.

It may not be obvious to the reader how all these things can help to
save money.  But imagine how much you will save when you stop doing
them.  Quitting smoking and drinking alone means remarkable savings.
Not to mention how much more money not gambling any more will leave
you with.

If you happen to be living in a country where everything is so expensive
that you can hardly afford to have your hair cut, you have several easy
ways of saving money. Take Finland for example; in Finland, everything is
taxed beyond all sense of proportion, especially alcoholic drinks.  If you
go to an average pub, disco or restaurant in Finland and want to buy of
pint of lager (it isn't even a pint, but a lousy half liter) it will cost
you 25 FIM. At the current rate of exchange, it is a bit over three pounds
sterling or some six US dollars.

When you leave this country and travel to Britain, for example, you
can get two, almost three pints for the price of one in Finland.  Therefore,
every pint you drink means a lot of saved money.  The more you drink, the
more you save; makes sense, doesn't it?

To save even more (and I'm talking about Big Money here), you should
choose a car.  For example, a large brand new Mercedes with as much
additional everything as possible, electric this, heated that, etc.  You
can choose any car you like; the only thing that matters is that it
should cost at least 200,000 local currency units, or a couple of hundred
millions more if you live in Italy.  You should dream of this car
passionately; spend at least five hours daily staring at the beauty through
the shop window and drooling against the glass, until the shop keeper sends
you a bill for having to clean the window every day.

Then, one day you should decide to buy the thing.  Put on your best clothes
and walk into the shop wearing a grim determined face of a man who is going
to buy the car-in-the-window.  The trick of saving here is to change your
mind a second before you sign anything, before you actually buy it, and to
walk away from the shop.  And there you are, a man who has just saved
200,000.  For bigger savings still, you can decide not to buy yourself a
private jet airplane, or an oil tanker.

And just imagine how much money you have saved for not buying Australia.
%e
*EOA*


%t Important Tips For Youngsters
%n 2U8
%s Remember your GPS official address, or get used to travelling
%a Mark A Young  ([e-mail])
%d 19920607
%i Tips For Kids
%i GPS Address Standards
%i Galactic Postal Service Address Standards
%x Galactic Postal Service
%e
It is important for all little beings to know their exact address.  If you
were carried off by a wandering Snorshil's Beast, you would want to be able
to get back home (unless you happened to BE a wandering Snorshil's Beast, in
which case home would be the last place you would want to go, with Snorshil's
Planet having been overrun by Knights in Shining Armor who have taken up The
Quest of the Snorshil's Beast.  These Knights have vowed to go to Snorshil's
Planet and not to leave until they have captured a Beast.  Unfortunately for
them, their presence in such numbers has managed to drive every Beast from
the planet.  Trapped by their vows, they now mostly sit around polishing
their armor and bemoaning the lack of damsels in distress, or even damsels
of any sort, since all people not required to be on Snorshil's Planet have
been ordered off to protect their eyes from the reflections off several
thousand over-polished suits of armor.)

In any case, whether carried off by wandering Beasts or simply marooned by a
malfunctioning teleport, you should know your correct address in -- and this
is the important part -- in the official Galactic Postal Service Format.
It's no use knowing your address in any other format, since the GPS will not
deliver a package unless it is correctly addressed.  And, of course, the most
efficient way for young beings to get home is to mail themselves.

The official GPS address format is really not all that hard to remember: the
system name and planet number go first, followed by the planet's name in
parentheses, then the name of the galactic arm, the house number, street,
city, political division and country.

For example:

     George Bush,
     Sol III (Earth),
     Orion Arm,
     1600 Pennsylvania Avenue,
     Washington, DC, USA

(This address is actually useless, since the GPS doesn't deliver to Sol III
since that planet was demolished to make way for a hyperspatial express
route.  The planet has since been rebuilt, but when the GPS was informed of
this, their official response was: "Who cares?  No one important lives there
anyway.")

If you happen to live on a planet that has no street numbers, then just leave
it off:

     Sir Beddelly Begreaves of the Brilliant Bever,
     Menactae IV (Snorshil's Planet),
     Sagittarius-Carina Arm,
     Road of the Glistening Gauntlets,
     Bilton's Manor, County Miedds, Costagol
     ***WEAR DARK GLASSES***

(This address also shows the correct way to present special instructions.)
Any other variations are not allowed, according to GPS official policy.  If
any other piece of information does not apply, it should be replaced by the
word "None."  Thus:

     Paul Clegg,
     None (None),
     None,
     None,
     None, None, None
     ***SHOOT SELF AFTER DELIVERY***

If the young being keeps its head and remembers its address in the proper
format, there is no reason it shouldn't get back home within a few standard
days.  If not, well, the Snorshil's Beast is actually a pretty good
travelling companion -- and they do have the galaxy's best collections of
cool sunglasses.
%e
*EOA*


*
*
*  BOTH (Semi-Real) ARTICLES -- 6
*
*   2S1    -- Infinity
*   2S2    -- Light
*   2S3    -- Democracy, Problems with
*   2S4    -- What To Do When Your Elected Head of State...
*   2S5    -- Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Earth
*   2S6    -- Australia, Earth
*
*


%t Infinity
%s It's really confusing.
%a Mark Anthony Young  ([e-mail])
%n 2S1
%d 19911201
%i Really Big
%x Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster -- Terran Version
%e
It's not surprising that people in this forum are confused about infinity.

It's hard to reconcile infinity so most of us don't even try.  We just
marvel for a while, then wander off find a party so we don't have to think
about it.  After a few Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters, the incipient panic
goes away, and we really start to enjoy ourselves.

Unfortunately, the problem of understanding infinity gets left to people
with absolutely no social skills, so even if they did show up at the
party (unlikely, since who'd invite them?) and even if they did try to
explain it (likely, since, as I said, they have absolutely no social
skills and are completely oblivious to the fact that you're really
trying to be alone with that fabulous being in the kitchen and don't give
a pair of fetid dingo's kidneys what they have to say) you wouldn't learn
anything because that fabulous being would start talking to someone else
and you'd turn on your tormenter and say "Yeah, we figured that out last
week and it's going to be published in a really keen journal so eat your
heart out" and stomp off to the bar without having heard a word they said.

So have some sympathy for these poor benighted people who don't understand
infinity.  They've got terrible hangovers and didn't get laid.
%e
*EOA*


%t Light
%n 2S2
%s A scientific study of light in our dimension.
%a Craig Hill  ([e-mail])
%d 19920409
%x Infinity
%x Dark Suckers
%x Shadowlight
%e
Light, according to really froody philosophers, is a severe lack of darkness;
but as everybody else knows it's just ..., well it just is.  Although its own
existence is under question, light is known to be the most important thing in
the universe (except for Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters) so this ultimate guide
HAS to cover it somewhere.  This being the case, I talked to some of the
galaxy's leading light scientists and they had this to say:

 - Light is called light because that is what it is.  I put 3 kg of light on
   my kitchen scales last week and it weighed nothing.  As this clearly
   shows, light is the ultimate in lightness, so it just has to be called
   "light".

 - This is ridiculous, how can you seriously examine light when it does not
   even exist?  There are two theories as to what light is, but they are both
   clearly (I'm not sure how anything can be clear without light) a load of
   fetid dingoes kidneys.

   Theory 1: Light is made up of waves - I have seen plenty of light (yes he
     can see things that don't exist) and I have never seen it wave to me.  I
     am a very friendly sort of guy so anything that is a wave and still will
     not wave to me can't exist.

   Theory 2: Light is made up of matter particles - As somebody else said, 'I
     put 3 kg of light on my kitchen scales and it weighed nothing';
     something that weighs nothing obviously can't exist, so light can't
     exist either.

 - Let me go, I couldn't care less about light.  This is Milliways, and I
   want to watch the end of everything.  Be reasonable, if I can write a
   report on something like this, they will have to give me a knighthood and
   a Nobel Prize.  I might even find some females who will talk to me.
   (Don't blame me, I talked to him but he wouldn't co-operate.  20th Century
   Earth scientists always were a problem.)

 - Light is the definitive subject of all science.  Light defines the maximum
   speed for all matter (play in a Total Perspective Vortex for a while and
   you will realize that nothing matters though - that's why the principles
   of improbability physics and the Bistromathic drive work so well).
   Without light, nothing can exist; everything would be a black hole, and
   that is about as exciting as infinity according to a certain hyper-
   intelligent shade of blue.  Shade of blue - that is a color - which
   requires light - I've done it, I've proved that light exists.  (He was a
   little eccentric, but something in all of that must be right.)

             'But one thing is true - light always behaves like light.'
                       -- my Year 12 Physics teacher.
%e
*EOA*


%t Problems With Democracy
%s The worst form of government, but better than the rest.
%n 2S3
%a Loren Haarsma, Andrew Mark Kuchling  ([e-mail])
%d 19920210
%i Politics
%i Democracy, Problems With
%x What To Do When Your Elected Head Of State Embarrasses You
%e
Perhaps the biggest problem with Democracy is that people tend to get exactly
the government that they deserve.

For example, in many modern-day democracies, the people claim that they want
their government to operate under a balanced budget, when in fact this is the
farthest thing from the truth.  What the people really want, as they
repeatedly demonstrate from their voting, is decreased taxes and increased
government spending -- particularly when it comes to government projects
which directly benefit themselves.  Professional politicians, if by nothing
else than by a simple Darwinian processes, are very good at perceiving such
things, and give the people exactly want: huge government deficits.

For example, in every present and past democracy, the people always claim
that they want politicians who will not accept bribes, when in fact this is
the farthest thing from the truth.  What the people really want, as they
repeatedly demonstrate from the voting, is politicians who will spending huge
amounts of money on multi-media campaigns to win votes, who will spend
massive amounts of time coming to their towns to speak to the local rotary
club or school (for a fee), and who will spend massive amounts of time
influencing legislation to win government contracts for local businesses.

There are, of course, many other problems with democracy.

THE MEDIA: In all known democracies, the media flourishes.

POLLS: One way in which the media attempts to tell people what to think is by
attempting to tell them what they are thinking.  If you read the previous
sentence again, you will understand it.  Fortunately, the results of these
polls invariably conflict with each other and with reality, so that prolonged
exposure builds up immunities.

POLLSTERS: They work for the media.

LITIGATION: People who live in a democracy, since they believe they have some
influence over the law, tend to extrapolate this into the belief that the law
means whatever they want it to mean.  (The media probably plays a role in
this, though we are not exactly sure how.)  Therefore, they will sue the
owner of a dog who left a bone on a sidewalk upon which they stubbed their
toe, causing them to spill their coffee on themselves, for the price of a new
bathrobe plus $1,000,000 for mental stress.

LAWYERS: They come with litigation.  Experiments show that when the
population of lawyers reaches certain critical densities, they force society
to undergo a phase transition which causes the population of lawyers to grow
even faster.  Science has not yet found a solution to this problem.

FREE SPEECH: In a democracy, you will incessantly be subjected to hearing
the ideas, speculation, and bizarre prognostications of everyone around you.
The media multiplies this problem a thousandfold.

TRIAL BY JURY: When one is accused by the state of a crime, the second
scariest thought you can have is that you will be tried by a jury of your
peers.  The only thing scarier than this is to be tried WITHOUT a jury of
your peers.

WEAPONRY: The only thing scarier than a democratically elected government
which allows its citizens to own sophisticated weaponry is a democratically
elected government which does NOT allow its citizens to own sophisticated
weaponry.

In a non-democratic society, the ordering of these two concepts is reversed.

ECONOMICS:  Because the public thinks it can affect the government's
economic policies, it demands economic information.  The media gives it to
them.  This results in the publishing of page after page of little numbers
and letters, graphs of important economic indicators such as the widths of
ties and lengths of skirts, degrees in Business Administration, and
articles on scandals at Deposit Insurance Corporations entitled
"Tricky DICs."

No solution to any of these problems has yet been found.  Many have been
tried and suggested: oligarchy, theocracy, dictatorship, and school boards.
Most of these begin with some members of the population killing others to
show the flaws of the old political structure; they then continue killing
others to show that society's structures are independent of individuals.
Such governments usually end with some members of the population killing
others to demonstrate their dissatisfaction with the executive branch of
government, and indeed also the legislative, corporate, and street-
cleaning branches.  This does not make for a solution unless, of course,
the individuals killed are all in the legal profession.
%e
*EOA*


%t What To Do When Your Elected Head Of State Embarrasses You
%s Keep reminding yourself, "You could have done worse."
%n 2S4
%a Loren Haarsma, Andrew Mark Kuchling  ([e-mail])
%d 19920210
%x Problems With Democracy
%e
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR ELECTED HEAD OF STATE EMBARRASSES YOU BY...

          1) ...TRAVELING TO ANOTHER COUNTRY AND TRYING TO FORCE THAT COUNTRY
             TO ACCEPT THE BLAME FOR YOUR SOCIAL/ECONOMIC/MORAL PROBLEMS OF
             YOUR DEVISING.

             Consider how lucky you are that you didn't elect a Head of State
             with no foreign policy experience whatsoever.

          2) ...MAKING SPEECHES DURING WHICH THEY PROPOSE THAT THE BEST WAY
             TO SOLVE NATIONAL ECONOMIC/SOCIAL/HEALTH/EDUCATIONAL PROBLEMS IS
             FOR INDIVIDUALS TO CHANGE THEIR BEHAVIOR, RATHER THAN BY
             SPENDING GOVERNMENT MONEY.

             Consider the fact that they are probably correct, especially
             when you take into account the fundamental nature of politics,
             governments, and bureaucracies.

          3) ...CHOOSING A VICE-HEAD-OF-STATE WHOSE PRIMARY QUALITY IS WIDELY
             CONSIDERED (REGARDLESS OF THE TRUTH OF THE PERCEPTION) TO BE
             THEIR ABILITY TO SUPPLY STAND-UP COMEDIANS WITH MATERIAL.

             Support weapons control legislation.  Contribute to medical
             research.

          4) ...  SPENDS INORDINATE AMOUNTS OF TIME AND MONEY ON OBSCURE
             LEGAL QUESTIONS REGARDING THE CONSTITUTION.

             Remember that a dollar spent on satellite links between Moose
             Jaw, Saskatchewan and Goose Bay, Newfoundland is a dollar not
             spent on curtains for the Head of State's mother's friend's
             house.

          5) ...  CARRIES OUT MONUMENTALLY STUPID POLICIES, RESULTING IN S/HE
             BEING LESS POPULAR THAN CLINICALLY INSANE MEMBERS OF THE KLU
             KLUX KLAN, GREEN VEST SOCIETY, OR THE DECALEGGED BEING
             LIBERATION FRONT.

             Swallow your principles and fight for the incumbent incompetent.

          6) ...  CARRIES OUT MONUMENTALLY STUPID POLICIES AND ACTIONS,
             RESULTING IN S/HE LOSING AN ELECTION TO CLINICALLY INSANE
             MEMBERS OF THE KLU KLUX KLAN, GREEN VEST SOCIETY, OR THE
             DECALEGGED BEING LIBERATION FRONT.

             Move to somewhere relaxingly idyllic and safe, like a naked
             singularity.

          7) ...  MAKES COMMENTS ABOUT POLLUTION-CAUSING TREES, RADIATION
             BEING GOOD FOR THE SINUSES, AND BOMBING THE ENEMY BACK TO THE
             PRE-CABLE AGE.

             Celebrate the fact that you have a Head of State capable of
             hiring a great many advisors and then ignoring them completely.
%e
*EOA*


%t Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Earth
%n 2S5
%s A non-tourist's view of Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Earth
%a Daniel Bowen  ([e-mail])
%d 19920624
%x Australia, Earth
%x Earth
%e
Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Earth, is in Australia, on Earth, which
partially if not totally accounts for its name as such.  Melbourne,
Victoria, Australia (we shall avoid overuse of the term "Earth" as it tends
to confuse locals from that particular neck-of-the-galaxy), should not be
confused with Melbourne, Florida, USA.  Melbourne, Florida was actually
named after Melbourne, Victoria, Australia by a local of the latter.

Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, was in turn named after a certain member of
the British aristocracy of the 1800's (Earth time) named Lord Melbourne.
This may be of no consequence whatsoever, but certain historical
experts have debated this fact, and maintain that as their jobs depend
on it, it is important for historical facts such as this to be
preserved until at least tea-time.

Melbourne is a little bit famous for its trams, which can confuse it at
first glance with Seattle, Washington, USA.  This is because Seattle
managed to purchase some of Melbourne's trams during the 1980s.  Trams
are big wooden (generally) green things on wheels that roll down
streets of their own accord.  They live by few rules, excepting that
they do tend to stick to their tracks, although their reliance on such
concepts as "timetables" is doubtful.  In any case, trams carry people
who don't know where they want to go, somewhere, thus avoiding any
problems with packs of roaming people who don't know where they want to
go.

Melbourne is also famous for its gardens.  Indeed, the state of which
Melbourne is a capital, Victoria, which is also named after a certain
member of the British aristocracy of the 1800's, is also known as the
"Garden State".  For some time, this epitaph has appeared on car license
plates in the state, which may be somewhat ironic given the unfortunate
spread of freeways around the city in recent years.

Melbourne, being the capital of the gardenish state of Victoria, is
therefore the seat of the state government.  At the time of writing, it
is not a particularly good state government, but many locals will claim
that they can never remember a particularly good state government, so
it probably doesn't matter much.  The next state government probably
won't be particularly good either.

The only other slightly interesting thing to relate about Melbourne is
that it is known for its comedy.  Why this is is not apparent at first
glance, but most of the populace claim that what with the rotten
weather, government, economic crisis, etc., Melbourne people of all
people need something to laugh about.
%e
*EOA*


%t Australia, Earth
%n 2S6
%s A short look at Australia, Earth
%a Daniel Bowen  ([e-mail])
%d 19920625
%i Down Under
%x Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Earth
%x Earth
%e
While Australia, Earth, is well known by many humans as being the home
of the "Crocodile Dundee" movies, most Australians know Australia as
being the place where they live, or the place where they come from.

A famous writer, the name of which is insignificant, and un-remembered,
once wrote of Australia:

          I love a sunburnt country,
          A land of sweeping plains,
          Of rugged mountain ranges,
          Of droughts, and flooding rains.

While this may not be a work of literary genius, or take into account
the very high proportion of Australians who prefer to live in sprawling
cities than in sweeping plains or mountain ranges, it is remarkable how
the first three lines align like that, isn't it?

Amongst the leagues of completely unknown and unimportant Australians
are some well-known and unimportant ones, such as (in no apparent
order):

          1) Paul Hogan - alleged actor and wife-deserter
          2) Clive James - humorist who prefers living in Britain
          3) Nicole Kidman - actress who married Tom Cruise and
             subsequently found a Hollywood career
          4) Elle MacPherson - bimbo
          5) Mel Gibson - alleged actor II
          6) Greg Norman - Australian golfer with an American accent
          7) Peter Garrett (of Midnight Oil) - bald singer who can't
             dance
          8) Michael Hutchence (of INXS) - hairy singer
          9) Kylie Minogue - bimbo singer and bad soapie actress
          10) Olivia Newton John - former bimbo singer and "Grease"
              star.  Ugh.
          11) Peter Allen - bad cabaret singer, whose singing improved
              remarkably when he died in 1992
          12) the entire casts of "Neighbors", "Home and Away", "A
              Country Practice", "Young Doctors" and "Prisoner", all of
              whom have terrorized Great Britain for some time now with
              their cheap and very bad soap operas

This list has only included a few people.  There are about seventeen
million more.  If you are thinking of joining them (ie immigrating, from
either another country on Earth, or from somewhere else in the galaxy),
think twice.  Then do it anyway.
%e
*EOA*


*
* End of 19920705.NEW
*