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MARRIAGE.M15
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1992-10-29
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Study No. 15 TO THE GLORY OF GOD
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS "OVERSEXED"
The words "oversexed" or "undersexed" are meaningless. Everything
involved in sex has to be agreed upon by the married couple. You
should make up your on minds together. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 proves
that the wife is to submit to her husband sexually, but also the
husband is to submit to his wife sexually. This passage also proves
that it is a command of God that the two are to submit to each other
and have sex whenever the other wants it. It is not a matter of
agreeing what not to do, but a matter of agreeing what to do. The
whole emphasis of this passage (and everything else God says about sex
within the pages of the Bible) is DO IT!!! It is a positive word and
never a negative word. As David Edwards says, "Sex in marriage is a
Biblical command to fulfill. It isn't a favour and it isn't a reward.
He doesn't get it because he takes out the garbage -- or because he
doesn't take it out! It isn't intended as something only for
birthdays and Mother's Day!"
A TIP FOR WIVES
Wife -- be the aggressor whenever you want him. His body belongs to
you. Don't be afraid to tell your husband anything that feels good,
anything you like. (Husband tell your wife the same.) Rejoice in any
good feeling.
Q. "I don't feel what I'm supposed to feel while making love. What's
the secret of how to receive good feelings in sex?"
A. The answer is found in Luke 6:38a, "Give and you shall receive
..." Your bodies belong to each other. Give yours to your mate.
Make love to him or her rather than getting caught up in trying to
"feel" something and you'll begin to feel plenty.
ANY SEXUAL ACT BETWEEN HUSBAND AND WIFE THAT IS A PLEASURE TO THEM
BOTH IS NOT A PERVERSION.
SOME MORE TIPS FOR BOTH OF YOU.
1. LOOK GOOD FOR EACH OTHER. (One woman over-did this. She used so
many oils, when her husband reached for her in bed she slipped out
of his hands!!!)
2. SEX ISN'T JUST FOR BED-TIME. Be creative. It's for whenever
either wants the other. (Husband, let love guide that. If
company's coming in half an hour, there probably isn't time!)
3. KEEP YOUR BODIES CLEAN. If either of you feels "unclean", take a
shower or bath together! Some marvellous lovemaking can take
place in the shower or bathtub. Never break the atmosphere once
you've begun making love. A wife who feels "unclean" and needs a
bath before passion will find if she leaves her primed husband for
ten minutes that when she returns, he'll be stretched across the
bed fast asleep! It is true -- you can't take too many baths.
STAY CLEAN!!!
4. THE MORE OFTEN YOU HAVE INTERCOURSE -- THE BETTER THINGS WILL BE.
Paul was very definite in 1 Corinthians 7:5 about not holding back
from each other. Lovemaking and intercourse, becoming completely
and passionately engrossed in each other, can only help strengthen
your marriage -- as long as the two of you are exclusively
involved with each other.
5. SEX ISN'T MEANT TO "ACHIEVE" ANYTHING. It is obvious in reading 1
Corinthians 7:2-5, and verse 9, that sex was never meant to be
used just for having babies. Sex is meant to be fun! It's not
done to prove that you are a man or a woman -- that's an
established fact!
6. PUT A LOCK ON YOUR BEDROOM DOOR. Just as before you married each
other you both may have given each other a lock of hair to say, "I
love you", now give each other a lock on your bedroom door to say,
"I love you". That's especially true if you have children or
anyone else at your house. That's even psychologically good if
the two of you live alone. A lock on the door heightens privacy
and gives greater freedom to lovemaking. It's a good thing to
lead your mate into that room any time of the day or night. But
without a lock, terribly embarrassing things can happen -- like a
little child entering at just the wrong time and saying, "Hi,
Mummy!!!" Get a lock fast!
7. A WIFE MUST BE TREATED WITH AFFECTION, KINDNESS, RESPECT AND
SECURITY. Most women have a very sentimental feeling about sex.
Dan Benson says in his marvellous book, 'The Total Man', "I'm
becoming convinced that the average male could probably have sex
and reach climax right in the middle of a bitter argument, an air
raid, or 'Jaws'!" When that urge strikes us, the mood and
surrounding may make little difference. But a woman needs much
more. Every husband needs to give his wife affection, kindness,
respect and security. A husband shouldn't force something on his
wife that she's not ready emotionally to do or receive. A wife
needs that kind of security. Keep distracting noise away during
lovemaking too. They'll make a wife nervous.
8. A HUSBAND MUST BE TREATED WITH PASSIONATE RESPONSE AND LOOK AT SEX
AS "CONQUEST".
A husband often wants to feel irresistible. He wants to feel like
a He-man lover who takes a sweet, young, innocent virgin and turns
her into a passionately, uncontrolled, wild lover, too. Wife --
like it! Go ahead and let him love you. Remember, give and you
shall receive. Be completely unselfish. Forget how you feel and
do everything to bring pleasure to your mate.
9. A WIFE GENERALLY RESPONDS TO WHAT SHE HEARS. Love-talk needs to
come from the husband during lovemaking. He needs to say whatever
kinds of things she likes to hear. Talk this over with her. Some
wives are turned on by romantic statements. Others are stimulated
by intimate words that would only be used between a husband and
wife. (They might shock any other ears or even be out of place at
any other time, but between husband and wife during lovemaking,
they are blessed by God. Remember some of the things Solomon
said!)
10. A HUSBAND GENERALLY RESPONDS TO WHAT HE SEES. Dress (or undress)
for lovemaking the way he likes. It's just between the two of
you. Some men have deep desires for what they want their wife to
wear -- a tight black sweater, a bathing suit, nothing etc.
Satisfy him! (And do leave off the hair-curlers!) Leave at least
some light on in the room. You want him making love to you (not
being left in the dark, trying to remember what you look like!)
The light guarantees that he'll focus his lovemaking on you and
not on some woman of his imagination.
ANY SEXUAL ACT IS ACCEPTABLE, PROVIDED IT IS PERFORMED IN PRIVACY,
WITH FULL AGREEMENT BETWEEN THE MARRIED COUPLE AND WITH NO PAIN TO
EITHER.
11. PAIN SHOULD NOT OCCUR DURING ANY PART OF THE LOVEMAKING.
Except in the breaking of the hymen on the wedding night, pain is
almost always a complaint of the body that something unnatural is
being forced upon it. "Agape love stops and would never force
pain on anyone." (Today, because of the heavy physical exercise
most girls enjoy, even pain on the wedding night doesn't occur
because of the hymen being broken long before the woman ever has
intercourse.) Any unexplainable pain should be checked by a
doctor.
THERE IS NOTHING IMPURE IN MARRIED SEX AS LONG AS THE TWO MAKE
LOVE TO EACH OTHER EXCLUSIVELY.
12. TOUCH IS STIMULATING TO BOTH THE HUSBAND AND THE WIFE. Touching
and kissing sensitive parts of the body are very important in
getting each other ready for intercourse.
Margaret Hardisty, in her outstanding Christian book, "Forever My
Love", cautions husbands, by saying, "Whatever you do, don't rush
her. A man who thinks five minutes is enough preparation is
kidding himself. That length of time is welcome only to the woman
who isn't enjoying her experience and wants to get it over with.
Be prepared to take whatever time is necessary. Let her decide
and act accordingly. Generally, 20 minutes to a half hour is
realistic, if she is in the habit of reaching a climax, but 45
minutes to an hour may be necessary as you start to discover each
other all over again. Sometimes women like to be handled
passionately, and sometimes gently. You'll have to heed your
understanding and her responses concerning that. But usually a
good rule is to keep your caresses gently until her passions begin
to rise. Her intimate parts shouldn't be approached right away
either. The body is a beautiful thing to behold and to caress.
If your wife has a block about you touching any part of her body
or about her touching any part of your body, she needs to be
released from her unnatural fears, for her reluctance is no
virtue. Indeed, certain parts of her body have to be caressed at
length, with her willing participation, if she's ever to enjoy
sexual arousement and the final delight of orgasm."
There is some similarity between the clitoris (a small organ near
the entrance of a woman's vagina) and the male sex organ. Both
are extremely sensitive to touch. Margaret Hardisty again points
out that husbands need to become skilful "in manipulating and
gently massaging" their wife's clitoris "patiently and at length,
before actual intercourse. A woman's breasts are also a point of
contact for sexual arousement, especially the nipples. But
remember...a wife's breasts or her clitoris shouldn't be pressed
hard unless she indicates to you that that's what she wants. If
the husband will continue to massage the clitoris and the nipples
and continue to caress his wife in sensitive places, he will bring
her to the point of signalling when she is ready for intercourse."
13. THE "PROPER" POSITION IS THE ONE YOU BOTH LIKE BEST.
Q. "Is the so-called "missionary position" of husband on top of
wife the only "Biblical" position for a husband and wife to
have intercourse?"
A. Absolutely not! -- though it's fine. Gifted Christian writer,
Ingrid Trobisch points out that many Africans laugh at such a
position, because the question of position is a cultural one --
it's not instinctive or Biblical. Each couple should
experiment until they find the position (or positions) they
particularly enjoy -- then try some more!
THE TRAGEDY IS THAT IN REACTING TO THE REAL SIN OF SEX OUTSIDE
MARRIAGE, FAR TOO MANY CHRISTIANS HAVE IGNORED GOD'S WORD AND HAVE
FEARED THEIR OWN MARRIAGE LOVEMAKING.
"THE MARRIAGE BED IS UNDEFILED"
YOU HAVE TO DECIDE TOGETHER WHO SHOULD HAVE A CLIMAX FIRST. In frank
and open discussions with a multitude of husbands and wives together,
I've discovered that some couples enjoy having the husband climax
first and others enjoy the wives climaxing before the husband. There
are many who don't care which and a few who do practice trying to
climax together (though that can require far too much work and may
spoil the real fun of it all).
A WIFE NEEDS TO REACH A CLIMAX -- JUST AS A HUSBAND NEEDS TO REACH A
CLIMAX. It's not unusual to find a woman who has never reached a
climax even though she's been married a few years. That's often the
result of the Victorian attitude she grew up endorsing. It's also
true that man women reach several climaxes during one session of
lovemaking. Women's climaxes are very individual. The husband and
the wife need to talk this over, with the wife being very explicit in
this area. Otherwise a wife may feel very dissatisfied sexually. But
a woman who has never reached a climax with her husband's help may be
wondering why she so often feels tense and irritable. If she will
give herself freely to her husband, the problem can be solved.
Sometimes, however, husbands haven't learned what to do about it. The
answer is -- if the man does reach his climax first, then he should
use his finger and softly massage his wife's clitoris, rubbing
tenderly with his finger or thumb until she asks him to increase the
pressure. This will bring her to the climax. It's clean, it's pure
and it's urgent.
The word "clitoris" in Latin means "little key". The clitoris is the
little key that ultimately brings the wife to the climax. The
clitoris is a most interesting part of a woman's body. It is the only
part of the human anatomy that is designed for one purpose only --
pleasure. God gave it no other earthly use!
KEEP ON TELLING EACH OTHER WHAT YOU LIKE. You're married -- and
you're meant to be so at ease with each other that a suggestion from
one to the other ought to be lovingly received and experimented with.
Take turns giving, rather than just getting. One night make it his
night, wife, and let him tell you what he wants from your body. Next
night, make it her night, and let her dictate the action. Your bodies
belong to each other. If conversation about sex is difficult for
either one of you, write letters to each other, telling each other
what you like. Be very kind and thoughtful of your mate's feelings if
you express anything that you don't like.
You both, being totally honest with each other, may be totally
satisfied with what you have now and in no way want to add to it.
But, if either one is still wanting more -- please be freed to do
more.
Start now (if you aren't satisfied) determined that you are going to
have not just a 'good' sex-life, but a 'great' one. It's a duty (1
Corinthians 7:3) until it becomes a joy. But with patience from the
eager and sacrificial effort from the less eager, sex between the two
of you will deeply fulfill you through out your lifetime together.
END of STUDY FIFTEEN Amen