[ To leave the movies mailing list, send the message "unsubscribe ]
[ movies" (without the quotes) to majordomo@xmission.com ]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 26 Aug 1999 17:50:31 -0700 (PDT)
From: Sandra Nelson <sn_index33@yahoo.com>
Subject: [MV]Sixth Sense
Hi, this is Sandra. I will be seeing the 6th Sense
sometime this weekend. From what I have heard it is
really a well done suspense thriller.
Sandra
===
Sandra Nelson
Cass Program
Index #33
sn_index33@yahoo.com
'And as we let our light shine, we subconciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.' Nelson Mandella
Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com
[ To leave the movies mailing list, send the message "unsubscribe ]
[ movies" (without the quotes) to majordomo@xmission.com ]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 29 Aug 1999 21:03:21 -0400 (EDT)
From: maillist@moviejuice.com
Subject: [MV] MovieJuice! - THE 13TH WARRIOR - Antonian The Barbarian
THE MOVIEJUICE MOVIE STORE IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS
In case youÆve been asking yourself why thereÆs no place to buy movies on the web, MovieJuice.com has the answer û our new online store! Okay, you may not want to buy anything, but at least come by and browse û same as when you visit Neiman Marcus, but infinitely cheaper.
<a href="http://www. bmvs.com/sites/mramsey1/videos/index.asp ">Click here for the NEW MovieJuice.com Store!</a>
<a href="http://www.moviejuice.com/1999/13thwarrior.htm">Click here for the full review!</a>
http://www.moviejuice.com/1999/13thwarrior.htm
August 29, 1999
Now that Keanu Reeves is having a baby, when will they announce the identity of the father?
Before the dawn of the second millennium, before personal grooming became common everywhere but France, before the invention of contractions, even before Cher, it was the age of the warrior, The 13th Warrior, that is.
Okay, if these warriors are so fearless and courageous, why are they petrified by contractions? Is it the apostrophe that strikes fear into their mortal hearts? Why does every Hollywood sword-pic treat ancient warriors like dim-witted foreign exchange students? It's contractions, people, it ain't rocket science! It ain't differential calculus! It's "isn't" and "aren't" and "don't" and "can't," for God's sake.
Even without those cleverly perplexing contractions, star Antonio Banderas needs a translator, manservant Omar Sharif, for whom the expression "the worse for wear" was invented. Crusty Omar's post-apocalyptic visage resembles Boris Karloff run through an Edgar Allan Poe meat-grinder. Even Omar's Grecian Formula is in roman numerals. Wouldn't Dr. Zhivago know his way around a contraction or two? Oops, I mean "would he not?"
But Antonio's got language troubles of his own. Confusion mounts when Tony asks for "Jello's" which, like most dessert treats, were invented somewhere between contractions and the Cotton Gin. Suddenly, Tony's warrior pals realize he is a Latin heartthrob and was trying to say "Jealous." Well, why did he not just say that! It is not as if contractions are required!
Antonio's posse includes warriors like Skeld the Superstitious, Edgtho the Silent, Herger the Joyous, Hugo the Hypertensive, Halga the High-Heeled, Bluto the Bulbous, Zeppo the Stubbornly Misanthropic, Puff Daddy the Multivariate, Hans the Hen-Pecked, Regis the Cloying, Dildo the Vibratory, and pulling up the rear with a rainbow pattern emblazoned on his powerful sword, Franco the Fastidious.
The 13th Warrior is the world of Sports stripped to its basic element: Big dumb guys who like to drink and fight. What else but sports-appeal could explain the almost total absence of women from the theater, save those whose men dragged them from their caves by their hair.
This movie marks a first: The first time I've seen an audience laugh at the THX robot in the opening promo! Yes, they laughed! Laughed, I tell you! What kind of audience is this, anyway, a circus audience? From the THX robot, it's only a short step to the Phantom Menace robots - no, not C3PO and R2D2, I mean Robo-Liam and Robo-Natalie. And from there, one step to Rob Schneider.
The 13th Warrior is adapted from a Michael Crichton book, although originally the characters were dinosaur-fighting ER doctors afflicted with a space virus turning them into comatose, gun-toting robots who sexually harass each other in a mysterious sphere.
The 13th Warrior is a Cowboy and Indians fable where the Indians are Darth Maul-style cannibal savages who wear bear-head masks and bear-claw gloves. "They think they're bears," says Antonio in a fit of clever deduction. Should our heroes track them in caves or watch them crawl over fake rocks at the zoo? Why not wait for the Winter when our evil enemy is hibernating? Let's distract them with honey or a suitable replacement, like Jennifer Love Hewitt.
The calling cards of these baddies are little female torso totems or, as we call them nowadays, "cheerleaders." The torso represents their queen mother, who turns out to be a deliciously savage dream-babe. Like Fairuza Balk but without all that talking. Why is the sexy babe always the root of evil?
Antonio and his warrior pals visit a crazy yet wise old lady who advises them how to win their battle. You know she's crazy because she's sloshing in her own filth. You know she's wise because she's fluent in Yoda-nese: "But why seek you me? Met you your match?" Heard all this before, I have. George Lucas thank, I must!
In the end, The 13th Warrior ain't bad at all. It's pro wrestling, but with better special effects. It's also a lusty, mythic poem of courage and perseverance against (what else) insurmountable odds.
Bring a cooler, a testosterone-spritzer, and your favorite Marine. These warriors are stone-cold.
Copyright 1999 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
********************
LAST CHANCE TO SEE ôTHE WALT WITCH PROJECTö
<a href="http://www.moviejuice.com/1999/waltwitchproject.htm">Click here for the full review!</a>
Now that everybody and their brother-in-law is spoofing Blair Witch, hereÆs your last chance to see one of the spoofs that (regrettably) started it all. ItÆs the MovieJuice! Mini-movie spectacular everybodyÆs talking about. A young crew of filmmakers gets lostàin the ôhappiest place on Earth!ö
Nowadays, most of the folks checking out this spoof are folks whoÆve made one of their own. If I never see another Blair spoof, itÆll be too soon.
********************
DONÆT FORGET TO VISIT MOVIEJUICE.COM!
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
********************
TO UNSUBSCRIBE FROM THIS LIST:
DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL! Just go to http://www.moviejuice.com and follow the directions at the bottom of the left hand side. It's very easy. NOTE: YOUR NAME CANNOT BE REMOVED FROM THE LIST UNLESS YOU UNSUBSCRIBE USING THE EMAIL ADDRESS YOU REGISTERED WITH). And don't write me lots of mean-spirited crap. I won't read it.
********************
IF YOUR LINES AREN'T WRAPPINGà
Your browser and/or email client (why DO they call it that?) has a setting called "Wrap Long Lines." Select it!
[ To leave the movies mailing list, send the message "unsubscribe ]
[ movies" (without the quotes) to majordomo@xmission.com ]
------------------------------
End of movies-digest V2 #225
****************************
[ To quit the movies-digest mailing list (big mistake), send the message ]
[ "unsubscribe movies-digest" (without the quotes) to majordomo@xmission.com ]
