Is John getting fat? Is Tubby going tubular? Does he experience "career setbacks" or just "belly flops"?
Is "Travolta" Italian for "three-voltas-in-one"?
Here's the deal: The best looking chick in the entire history of the Army is found brutally murdered and no one wants to touch the case. Except John Travolta, that is, who'll touch any case that might contain Ring Dings. John does not fear death, as long as it's Death by Chocolate.
Jeez, we could have solved this case in a New York minute if the road to the killer had been paved with Twinkies!
Who is this chick anyway? She's the hotter-than-Hell daughter of a big-shot General, a Captain in "Psychological Operations" or "Psy-Ops," where (in her words), "we fuck with people's minds."
To which Bon Bon John replied, "I was with ya until the 'minds' part."
At "Psy-Ops," the goal is to "blunt the enemy's will to fight." Unfortunately, Travolta's will evaporated when the Chinese stole our menu secrets.
Naturally, the General's pissed when his baby girl is found dead and tied naked to tent posts outside a military base which, notes Muncharino Barbarino, is not far from a good place to eat.
Tubby Travolta, whose cholesterol stands at attention during inspections, promises to "find the sonofabitch, if it's the last thing I eat."
Let's see, rape, torture, murder. And you can even visit the official web site to send The General's Daughter e-postcards to all your friends! It's something to settle for if you can't find those "ethnic cleansing" e-postcards.
Enter Madeleine Stowe, who hasn't been on the big screen in a while and is barely on this one when Husky John is in the same frame. Heston can part the Red Sea in a frame like this, but Mondo Manero can barely roll through a doorway! Go figure.
Madeleine, who's channeling Morticia Adams for much of this flick, is a highly effective rape investigator. And not since the dessert tray has Travol-ton found such a useful asset.
But wait! The General's Improbably Good-Looking Daughter is not what she seems! Suffice it to say there's a seedy underbelly to this tale, and I don't mean the seeds under John's belly, either.
Enter James Woods who does a terrific job being...well...James Woods. Who's gonna do that better? Jimmy and John try to outsmart each other in a tiresome, "writerly" sequence, much like I try to outsmart nasty unpopped kernels in my popcorn bag.
Meanwhile, so convincing is Jimmy as Jimmy, I'm thinking: Doesn't every character know this is James Woods? Shouldn't they be asking for his autograph? Why isn't every scene interrupted with "Hey, it's James Woods! What are you doing here on the base, Jimmy? What's up with that Sean Young thing, anyway? I loved it when Roy Cohn played you on HBO!"
The General's Daughter is like one long episode of TV's Homicide except the singing actor from the original Broadway cast of Chicago is replaced by the singing actor from the original cast of Grease.
Enter Clarence Williams III, "Linc" from the original Mod Squad, who - from what I can tell - is now is a charter member of the Sedentary Squad. "Raise your remote controls and aim, men! Don't fire until you see the whites of Must-See TV!"
Linc may not be "groovy," but he's definitely "heavy." Says Linc, "There are three ways of doing things: The right way, the wrong way, and the Army way." What about "the Way of the Wizard," for Chrissake!
Linc is "Mr. Smithers" to the General's "Mr. Burns." He represents loyalty, devotion, and acting so stiff he was tented for termites at the one-hour mark.
Maybe it's just me, but it's a distinctly ominous sign whenever a senior officer thoughtfully examines his medals near the climax of a movie. It implies some complex moral or ethical conflict and represents a sure obstacle to a timely Travolta three-course meal.
This flick is written strictly by "the book," which isn't surprising since writer William Goldman wrote the book and keeps getting re-hired to re-write the book. I think he uses one script now and just changes the names. "Cross out 'Redford,' write in 'Travolta,' go to Wells Fargo and deposit check."
"In Psy-Ops," says the General's Daughter, "we deal with the blackest of black and the whitest of white." Not to mention the clichΘ-est of clichΘs. Is Goldman laughing all the way to the bank? Now he's getting dialogue ideas from the Turner Classic Movies color scheme.
Believe me, you've seen this flick before. It's set in that alternate movie universe where the star could always be Bruce Willis. He's always partnered with a woman from his past. The bad guy is always a star of modest proportions (so as not to be too obvious while avoiding no-names), and the sinners reach to the highest levels of government power and always include an actor best known for his work with swine.
My favorite scene is where Jiggle-Belly John and Madeleine visit a psychiatrist and tell him his former patient was just strangled. Slowly and deliberately, the psychiatrist rises and walks about the room looking deeply upset, thus duplicating a thousand other scenes in a thousand other movies. Where's he going, anyway? Did he leave his smokes in the Star-Wagon? Is he picking up crumbs after Travolta? Is he getting too old for this shit? Are Butch and Sundance in the waiting room? Ho hum.
To quote the Army code of conduct: Don't ask, don't tell, and - most importantly - don't place your sandwich upwind from Travolta.
Copyright 1999 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
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------------------------------
Date: Sun, 30 May 1999 13:48:17 -0600
From: "The Reporter" <gregorys@xmission.com>
Subject: [MV] Movie News - 05/30/99
LOS ANGELES (AP) - And you thought adults hated Barney. Just listen
to what they're saying about Jar Jar Binks, the flop-eared amphibian
from the new "Star Wars" movie. Many fans, echoing the views of a
number of film critics, see the character as an annoying goofball at
best and a racial stereotype at worst. Since George Lucas' "Star
Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace" opened May 19, the Internet has
been afire with messages - and several entire Web sites - calling for
no less than the annihilation of the creature. "The tally so far is
running about 10 to 1 in favor a having a festive Jar Jar-B-Q," said
a Web site called Jar Jar Must Die.
-=> * <=-
HONG KONG (AP) - Pirated copies of the "Star Wars" prequel with
washed out desert scenes and noise from a theater's audience have hit
stores in Asia, after the film opened in the U.S. and before its Asia
debut. Pirated video CDs of "Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace"
are widely available in shopping malls in Hong Kong for between $3
and $4, a fraction of the cost of movie tickets. In Beijing, street
vendors were sold out. Roadside vendors in Malaysia and at least one
store in Jakarta, Indonesia, were also selling the discs. All copies
sold in Hong Kong appeared to be from the same source: a home video
recorded in a U.S. movie theater. The video is dark and fuzzy and the
sound quality is poor.
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