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Date: Sat, 10 Apr 1999 18:42:09 -0400 (EDT)
From: maillist@moviejuice.com
Subject: [MV] MovieJuice! - THE MATRIX - Neo-Classic!
THE MATRIX - NEO-CLASSIC!
by Mark Ramsey
http://www.moviejuice.com
April 10, 1999
Dudes, The Matrix is a most excellent adventure, utterly lacking in bogus-ity!
Why oh why do so many critics hate this flick? Is it the absence of a Shakespeare writing credit (Olde Will's writing was strong, but his Kung Fu was notoriously weak)? Is it because there's no role for cinema darling Christina Ricci? Or are the critics just way smarter than me?
Well, let's call that last one a given.
Hey, maybe the gang at Tavern on the Green loves obscuro-flicks like Lovers of the Arctic Circle, but down here at Tavern on the Puke-Soaked Street-Corner The Matrix rocks like a hurricane!
Here's the scenario: It's the future, only we think it's the present. And the beautiful world we live in is a dream. It's just "the Matrix" pulled over our eyes to blind us from the ugly truth of the real world, just like Disneyland, but without the stroller rentals. "Bonjour, churls! Welcome to Epcot's French-land. Care for a Crescent Roll?"
In the future a phone booth is used for transportation rather than its current use: breeding smelly, infectious germs and getting them as close to your mouth as possible. Why are the phone books always missing? They've either been deboned by the terminally lost or zapped into the Matrix!
"Fashion forward" is much simplified two-hundred years hence. Everyone wears black and uses Nokia phones. Lesson: San Francisco will conquer the world!
Speaking of couture noir, sweet thang Carrie-Anne Moss is not exactly dressed for comfort. She's half Catwoman, half Domi-Matrix. Clad in sexy, tight, leather battle-gear, this chick will bang you to death (one way or another). This is more woman than Keanu will ever have, and you can take that any way you like. At the top of my Matrix-sequel wish list: A Carrie-Anne Battle Thong. Let's hope the action figures are life-size!
Sam Jackson plays "Laurence Fishburne," the "Shaft"-alike leader of the anti-Matrixulators. "The Matrix," says Sam, "is a scheme to change people into Duracell Batteries." I'm serious! Talk about premium product placement! Fortunately nobody needs a charge of alkaline energy like the listless Keanu "Chan," who fights like a fiery demon but acts like a flickering match. Keanu sucks up screen energy like an emotional dust-vac, albeit a well-toned one with a nice fresh bag. "Ever have that feeling you're not still awake but still dreaming?" Sam asks Keanu. Yup, whenever Keanu delivers a line.
But hey, if movies like The Matrix required "acting" then we'd all be using the phrase: "Oscar-winner Dolph Lundgren."
Keanu's arch-nemesis is a Robo-Secret Service man whose pokey drawl luxuriates over each syllable like every word is taking time out for a bubble bath. Close your eyes and you'll think John Huston just overdosed on valium. What's with the Mr. Spock-speak? During his long soliloquies - say, one or two sentences - I was mightily distracted by his lunar surfaced teeth. Is there a face on that surface? Do those pocks have pocks? How does your Nokia signal evade those behemoth bicuspids?
In this flick everybody's Kung-Fu fighting! Lifting a page from the legendary film critic of the Los Angeles Times, "Joe Bob" Turan, there's:
- - "Drew-fu" as The Matrix kick's butt all over Never Been Kissed, even in its second weekend.
- - "Pity-the-fu" as Keanu misses all of Carrie's animal attraction cues. Dude, this chick wants you!
- - "Fishburne-fu" as Sam plays Obi-Wan to Keanu's Tai fighting
- - "Fu-for-thought" as Sam tries in vain to explain the Matrix in a way Warner Bros. executives can understand
- - "Fru-Fru Fu," code-name for the demands Gwyneth Paltrow places on her boyfriends
In The Matrix, artificial intelligence has spawned a race of machines that grow humans in humungous fields. Could this explain Adam Sandler's corn-bred fan base? If this mod agriculture is really possible, then couldn't the makers of EDtv have grown their audience instead of luring folks at the door with drawings for cash prizes and free Leno tickets?
Personally, I find it creepy: The idea that we're all machine-controlled pawns living out dreamlike existences. A superficial fantasy where we slavishly follow the rules of the toys that we made. This must be what a career in Sales is like!
The Matrix is an imaginative treat. And the mind-blowing visual effects actually enhance the story; imagine that!
As for Keanu, he may be light on acting chops but his karate chops are second to none!
Copyright 1999 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
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THE NEW CAA WEB PAGE - MUST SEE
Okay, this is the last time I'm gonna tell you. Check out the CAA web page and see how far things have come since the Ovitz days. And don't miss the "Agent-Cam."
At least I think it's the CAA page!
http://www.moviejuice.com/1999/caa.htm
********************
DONÆT FORGET TO VISIT MOVIEJUICE.COM!
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
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Date: Sun, 11 Apr 1999 11:05:53 -0500 (CDT)
From: Christi Eilleen Falk <umfalkce@cc.UManitoba.CA>
Subject: RE: [MV] the line as begun -Reply
Didn't anyone think of a visa card? You should be able to phone, shouldn't you?
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Date: Sun, 11 Apr 1999 12:02:49 -0700
From: "Wade Snider" <judgewd@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Re: [MV] the line (h)as begun
I completely agree.
>>no, no, no... they're in line to buy tickets on the 1st DAY... tickets
will
>>not be sold until openning day... 26 days to go...
>
>Unless I've missed something, it's more like 39 days, as of today
>(4-10-1999).
>
>I have to wonder ... do these people have lives? I finally saw a trailer
>for "Phantom Menace" last night, when I went to see "The Matrix" (5-star
>production, 2.5-star script) and while it looks way cool, NO movie is
>worth hanging out in front of a theater for 40 days!
>
>I've seen all the "Star Wars" movies, and I'm sure gonna see this one ...
>but I'll wait until the loonies have sated themselves before hiking down
>to my local theater!
>
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>
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Date: Sun, 11 Apr 1999 13:00:18 -0400
From: Mel Eperthener <bcassidy@usaor.net>
Subject: RE: [MV] the line as begun -Reply
At 11.05 AM 11/04/99 -0500, Christi Eilleen Falk wrote:
>Didn't anyone think of a visa card? You should be able to phone,
shouldn't you?
We should be so lucky. No early sales. Just like when the first (fourth)
movie was released 22 years ago, back before you could purchase tix in
advance, the only way to see this is to wait in queue.
Until all the hype dies down, they don't want any scalpers involved. Noble
ideals, I am sure, but probably the real reason is that Lucas doesn't want
anyone else to benefit from his hard work.
The good news is that the theatres can start showing the film at 12.01 AM
on the 19th, meaning that most of the geeks will get into those late/early
shows, and that there will actually be a (slim) chance for normal folks to
see this work come Wednesday evening.
Regards,
- --Mel
- --Mel Eperthener
president, Gowanna Multi-media Pty
Please support the endeavour
of a friend and fellow Australian.
Political Corrections by Michael Jaymes Cassidy
http://www.angelfire.com/ma/politicalmusings
____________________________________________
Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
- -Former Australian cabinet minister Keppell (Kip) Enderby
__________________________
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Date: Sun, 11 Apr 1999 15:14:52 EDT
From: SkipyLlama@aol.com
Subject: Re: [MV] the line as begun -Reply
> Until all the hype dies down, they don't want any scalpers involved. Noble
> ideals, I am sure, but probably the real reason is that Lucas doesn't want
> anyone else to benefit from his hard work.
DId you know that Lucas is funding this whole thing himself?? The whole
movie. He's gonna make 500 million dollars from this one alone.
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Date: Sun, 11 Apr 1999 16:55:09 +30000
From: Vi On <vi@satchmo.bu.edu>
Subject: RE: [MV] $8-10 per ticket
> you think they charge $8 for a bucket and soda? They are not only charging
> you for the food, they're charging for the CONTAINERS! You try asking for
> an empty large cup or bag, see what happens...
oh, that's why, I once asked for another empty bag and the guy
had to ask the boss for permission. took like 1 minute just so I can get
an empty bag. I was thinking maybe they don't want to give out another
bag because they need to keep count of how many bags are gone, keeping
count of the # of popcorns sold.
- -Vi
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Date: Sun, 11 Apr 1999 17:51:15 -0400
From: Mel Eperthener <bcassidy@usaor.net>
Subject: RE: [MV] $8-10 per ticket
At 04.55 PM 11/04/99 +30000, Vi On wrote:
>
>> you think they charge $8 for a bucket and soda? They are not only charging
>> you for the food, they're charging for the CONTAINERS! You try asking for
>> an empty large cup or bag, see what happens...
>
> oh, that's why, I once asked for another empty bag and the guy
>had to ask the boss for permission. took like 1 minute just so I can get
>an empty bag. I was thinking maybe they don't want to give out another
>bag because they need to keep count of how many bags are gone, keeping
>count of the # of popcorns sold.
>
Well, you're not wrong, Vi. They do use the number of bags to count
inventory. The dirty little secret with both popcorn and fountain drinks
is that they are so dirt cheap that the containers cost more than the
product. Did you ever wonder why the fast food places now give free
refills, if you keep the same cup?? Because it's so bloody cheap. It's
cheaper than coffee, and they have been giving free coffee refills since
the beginning of time, so it's about time that soda was made more
reasonable. (The reason that 7-11 charges 10 cents more for a gallon of
soda than a few ounces cost)
The mark-up on the containers is enough to give theatres the revenue they
need to stay in business, the revenue that the $10 tickets don't provide.
However, esp at the levels they purchase, they're practically given the
product and charged for the container. So the theatre wasn't going to go
broke giving up one bag, but that did eat into their profits greatly.
Better to bring your own bag, and ask for extra popcorn:-)
Speaking of popcorn, was it here or somewhere else that I read they reckon,
only slightly tongue-in-cheek that there will be a popcorn shortage in the
US through the end of June?? :-)
Regards,
- --Mel
- --Mel Eperthener
president, Gowanna Multi-media Pty
email: bcassidy@usaor.net
gowanna@australiamail.com
http://www.webz.com/gowanna
419 Butler Street
PO Box 95184
Pittsburgh, PA 15223-0184
(412) 781-6140
(412) 781-6380
1-888-45-GOWANNA -- TOLL FREE
(1-888-454-6926)
____________________________________________
"Mulder, if you had to do without a cell phone for
two minutes, you'd lapse into catatonic schizophrenia"
- --Dana Scully
______________________________________________
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Date: Sun, 11 Apr 1999 17:33:14 -0400
From: Mel Eperthener <bcassidy@usaor.net>
Subject: Re: [MV] the line as begun -Reply
At 03.14 PM 11/04/99 EDT, SkipyLlama@aol.com wrote:
>DId you know that Lucas is funding this whole thing himself?? The whole
>movie. He's gonna make 500 million dollars from this one alone.
Uh, I'd up the figures on this one, mate. By at least a factor of 10. The
movie itself should clear $2 billion worldwide, and merchandising will blow
that away.
Regards,
- --Mel
- --Mel Eperthener
president, Gowanna Multi-media Pty
Please support the endeavour
of a friend and fellow Australian.
Political Corrections by Michael Jaymes Cassidy
http://www.angelfire.com/ma/politicalmusings
____________________________________________
Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
- -Former Australian cabinet minister Keppell (Kip) Enderby
__________________________
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Date: Sun, 11 Apr 1999 18:09:09 EDT
From: SkipyLlama@aol.com
Subject: Re: [MV] the line as begun -Reply
> Uh, I'd up the figures on this one, mate. By at least a factor of 10. The
> movie itself should clear $2 billion worldwide, and merchandising will blow
> that away.
a random figure I pulled out of the air...... the point was, I hope, that
he's gonna make quite a bit of money, to say the least. He'll probably make
bill gates look middle class after all this is over.
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Date: Sun, 11 Apr 1999 18:25:38 -0400
From: Mike Allen <dahrin@inna.net>
Subject: Re: [MV] the line as begun -Reply
maybe not that far.. but hey maybe they can be roomies?
hehe
- -Mike Allen
SkipyLlama@aol.com wrote:
> > Uh, I'd up the figures on this one, mate. By at least a factor of 10. The
> > movie itself should clear $2 billion worldwide, and merchandising will blow
> > that away.
>
> a random figure I pulled out of the air...... the point was, I hope, that
> he's gonna make quite a bit of money, to say the least. He'll probably make
> bill gates look middle class after all this is over.
>
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Date: Sun, 11 Apr 99 16:30:12 -0700
From: David F. Nolan <DFN@alum.mit.edu>
Subject: [MV] Billions and Billions ...
>> > Uh, I'd up the figures on this one, mate. By at least a factor of 10.
The
>> > movie itself should clear $2 billion worldwide, and merchandising will
>blow that away.
>>
>> a random figure I pulled out of the air...... the point was, I hope, that
>> he's gonna make quite a bit of money, to say the least. He'll probably make
>> bill gates look middle class after all this is over.
C'mon guys ... you're getting silly now. AFTER adjusting for inflation,
the all-time box office champ, "Gone With The Wind," has taken in less
than $1 billion, domestically. "Titanic" did about $600M domestically.
"Phantom Menace" will probably wind up in the same league ... but $2
billion? No way!
Lucas could well make close to a billion, personally, after the dust
settles, but a bil ain't what it used to be. Heck, Jerry Seinfeld made a
quarter-bil in the last two years! And Gates is closing in on $100
billion, if he hasn't already passed it.
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Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1999 11:04:46 -0700
From: Oz <oz@filmink-online.com>
Subject: Re: [MV] $8-10 per ticket
Mel Eperthener wrote:
>
> However, esp at the levels they purchase, they're practically given the
> product and charged for the container.
And certain chains have advertising on their popcorn and drink
containers, thereby moving into the realm of total profit.
But thinking about the whole popcorn issue, isn't it time folks had
a bit of a think why they actually queue for ages and then pay
through the nose for the crappy snacks theatres provide?
Personally, if I'm going to the cinema I make I'm wearing cargo
pants with big pockets, stop in at Burger King before I enter the
cinema, and fill my pockets with burgers, nuggets and a fair sized
bottle of coke. Sure, you're not supposed to bring in your own food,
but it'll be a brave cinema worker who'll stick their hand down my
pants in search of a burger, even if I smell like hot meat patties.
For four bucks I can feast!
Mind you, it can get a bit messy if you feel the urge to remove the
pickle, and the smell often sees the people seated next to you
suddenly get hungry, but if you must eat you might as well be eating
heartily.
Besides, cinemas only started selling popcorn initially because it
was the only food that cinema-goers during the depression could
