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Date: Sun, 28 Feb 1999 16:29:36 -0500 (EST)
From: maillist@moviejuice.com
Subject: [MV] MovieJuice! - 8MM - The Silliness of the Lambs
SEE THE STAR WARS TRAILER PARODY!
It's our tribute to the folks at Lucasfilm and the phenomenon of Star Wars. See it NOW at http://www.moviejuice.com. And spread the word!
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8MM - THE SILLINESS OF THE LAMBS
by Mark Ramsey
http://www.moviejuice.com
February 28, 1999
Should a movie be entertaining? "If you want entertainment, you get a couple of hookers and an eightball." So said Sean Penn this weekend on that TV paragon of super serioso acting craft "Inside the Actor's Studio." Then Sean (a.k.a. "Martyr Brando") snapped his fingers as the entire universe ceased revolving around him. The planets just hung in the air, much like the stars surrounding Jenna Elfman's head and the satellites encircling Denise Richards' breasts. A wonder to behold!
Director and erstwhile Batman arch-villain Joel Schumacher plays Good Movie Target Practice with all the marksmanship of an Iraqi anti-aircraft battery. If you're gonna bomb, Joel, at least use a smart bomb. Imagine the doctor who creates a pretty vaccine that doesn't cure illness. Joel is Hollywood's number one turd-polisher, and 8MM is buffed to an odorous, sparkling shine. It's spam glam of the highest order.
As you may recall, Schumacher was banished from Gotham City after his last go-round with the caped one, only to turn up on AM radio where, under the guise of "Director Joel," he dispensed self-help to luckless losers sorely in need of more attractive lives utterly without substance. Familiar terrain, Director Joel!
8MM is the brainchild of the guy who wrote Seven. Where did this flick come from? Let me reconstruct the birth of 8MM:
Columbia Executives: You wrote Seven, right?
Seven Writer: Yeah
Columbia Executives: We admire any movie where "Gwyneth Paltrow" and "head" are used in the same sentence, if you know what we mean. We'd like you to write something exactly like it, but completely different.
Seven Writer: Will you pay me shitloads of money so that I can justify a for-hire and passionless assignment designed strictly to separate easily duped moviegoers from their hard-earned money?
Columbia Executives: Are you kidding? Of course! We ain't Miracolumbiamax, pal!
Seven Writer: But Sony owns you guys.
Columbia Executives: Not "Sony." They make TV's! It's "Soon Yi," Woody Allen's babe. That's a big misconception. Check the slogan in her annual report: "Where We Show You a Tit and We Bring On the Shit!"
At least I learned one thing from 8MM. The line "Drop the Crossbow" is funny regardless of context. Let's face it, if Paul Newman told Kevin Costner to "Drop the Crossbow" in Message in a Bottle, who wouldn't laugh?
Someone prescribe some vitamins for Nick Cage. He seems a bit run down. Thanks to his somnambulist monotone, I was able to tune a guitar to his voice. Is there a harp playing, or have I gone to Heaven? Scanning the audience, I noticed "Lullaby" guy Shawn Mullins nodding off. Did human tranquilizer Nick just take a gig on NYPD Blue as Lt. Sleep-owicz? Should I stick a needle in my eye or use it to prop open the lid? Evidently, "boredom" is the eighth deadly sin.
Cast as Nick's wife is one of Cinderella's stepsisters. Yikes, Nick! Patricia Arquette she ain't. Not unless you squint, turn your head by 90 degrees, pound a brew, and view this flick backwards through tissue paper. Then she's a dead ringer. If Patricia's whole bean, then this babe's ground for drip, cone filter. Call it Starbucks Distresso Blend. Robusta, Arabica, or Disgusta? Yowee. Drop the crossbow, lady.
Creepily inserted at every twist and turn is Nick's baby. The message: This guy may be diving into depravity, but he's also a daddy, dammit. Baby's big swollen head keeps bobbing into the scene like a buoy on Baywatch. Did Mrs. Nick just capture a tiny extraterrestrial or something? "Oh, she's touching the phone," says Mrs. Nick. How sweet. Too bad she can't wrap those tiny fingers around your french roasted neck, Mrs. Nick, and squeeze the caffeine out of you. I believe that baby just dropped the crossbow!
Never have I seen a flick where the soundtrack seems so out of place. It's sitar-rific! Is Nick chasing S&M Snuff Porno or meditating with Ghandi? Are those vocals or did somebody sample farm animal squeals? What does porno have to do with Tom Tom drums, anyway? Ta-Tas and Pom-Poms I get, but Tom Toms?
Nick's out to trace a Snuff film - to discover whether it's real or not. Unfortunately, the possibly snuffed chick writes poetry that begins "Star light, Star bright...." meaning a good snuffing was inevitable and - from a sociological perspective - all for the best.
Yes, Nick is pee-pee deep in the seedy world of Underground Porno. He's surrounded by throngs of young runaways. Or maybe it's a WB Network casting call; who can tell? Crossbows were tumbling to the floor all over the place.
When Nick gets his chance to wreak revenge on the pornographic perpetrators, he asks the girl's mom: "Give me your permission to hurt them." Judging by the snickers in the audience, you'd think Jim Carrey had just cracked a butt. Maybe director Schumacher should go back to making schues.
Among the climaxes (no pun intended) in this movie was Nick's face/off with an S&M Dungeonmaster named "Machine," or as Joel art-directed the word: "ma-sheen." Sheen's specialty is pain, torture, and making really long speeches before he kills someone, thus allowing them plenty of time to escape and turn the tables on him. When will villains learn, ma-sheen?
Sorry, Director Joel, you dropped the crossbow on this one. This ma-sheen could use an upgrade.
Copyright 1999 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
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Date: Sun, 28 Feb 1999 16:55:04 -0500
From: "Chris Culligan" <culligan@hotmail.com>
Subject: [MV] The Blair Witch Project Film Clips
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Someone on this list mentioned, about a week ago, that they had =
downloaded some film clips from The Blair Witch Project. Does that =
person, or anyone else on this list, have a URL for downloading such =
