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Date: Sat, 30 Jan 1999 23:19:10 -0500 (EST)
From: maillist@moviejuice.com
Subject: [MV] MovieJuice! - SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE - Bard Simpson
THIS WAS THE WEEK I MET STEVEN SPIELBERG
As he entered the hotel lobby, I approached him, said a quick hello, shook his hand, thanked him for a lifetime of work that has impacted us all more than we can say, and gave him a MovieJuice! business card.
As he walked away reading the card, he looked up, smiled, and said with a glint of recognition: "Ohà MovieJuice!"
Translation: MovieJuice! is on Steven Spielberg's radar. He's a fan.
Remember, I've got no network TV show, no gig at the LA Times. I'm just a guy with a laptop and a skewed sense of humor. Even so, MovieJuice! has spread like a viral wildfire through every nook and cranny of the movie biz. You and the heavyweights have something in common.
Thanks, Steven, for two encouraging words. Coming from you, that's all it takes.
By the way, a close-up, in-person inspection reveals that every one of Steven's gray hairs has a Katzenberg story attached.
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SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE - BARD SIMPSON
by Mark Ramsey
http://www.moviejuice.com
January 31, 1999
I found the letter at the bottom of an antique chest, caked in centuries of dust and grime. Stashed away in the underworld below London's Rose Theatre, this chest has been in a private collection for decades.
The Rose, of course, was the stomping and pomping ground of one Wm. Shakespeare, and this decrepit letter, it seems, was a bitchy missive from one of Shakespeare's actors, a Master Sean QuillPenn.
The note read as follows:
- ------------
To: Bill Shakespeare, My Agent, Mr. Rupert Murdoch of Foxley, and God Almighty (not sure about address on this last one, but try the province of Microsoft)
From: Master Sean QuillPenn
Subject: You chaps are pissing me off
Date: The Year of our Lord, 1593
Now that thou has't rejected my inquiry for a private carriage for transport to the province of Houston for the opening of the play Ye Thin Red Line, thou shal't suffer great shame at my hand.
Methinks with all the sixpence thou has't earned owing to my labour and suffering at thy command, Sir Rupert, with thy gigantic counting house, thy might be so generous as to grant me private transport to Houston province! But thou has't sullied my honor, knave!
Sir Rupert, has't thou ever ventured to a commercial carriage port? 'Tis madness, verily! Thou cans't not conceive of chaos like that at O'Hare, or even Midway. "Midway"! Alas, what a name! 'Tis neither here nor there! 'Tis MIDway betwixt. Ergo, 'tis nowhere. What devilish tomfoolery, this!
Commercial carriage??? Dost thou not know that churls, heathen, and crying lads and lasses populate them aplenty? And spacious exit rows require willingness to help fellow travelers, which my soul cans't not abide. My spirit dulls at the thought! Forsooth! I am more likely to wed the Madonna herself!
With abacus, my staff has calculated that the differential cost of private carriage transport is merely 6,000 sixpence! 'Tis nary equivalent to thy watering hole heating expenses for a month! 'Tis the fair market price of one hair on thy formidable ass, Sir Rupert, and woe unto ye who come betwixt that ass and its rightful porcelain throne!
O, executives at 16th Century Fox, thou art peddlers of deer meat, thou art merchants of venison! Fare thee well not, good sirs! Sin hath burnished thy greedy hearts!
Thou shoulds't spend thy time as I - watching the new play Shakespeare in Love. Sir Rupert, thou art ignorant of its charms. 'Tis produced by Lord Bob and Lady Harvey of Weinstein in the province of Miramax. These princes boast ample bosoms and 5:00 shadow with equal aplomb.
I understood not vast portions of this play, but enjoyed the whole in all earnest. By Heaven, 'tis a fine play! Funny and romantic in equal measure.
Master Shakespeare, thou has't been transformed from parochial longhair with receding hairline - much like Sir David of Crosby - to Sir Model of GUESS! Thou scurvy patch! Thou art a romantic lead like I am Sir Horse of Ass! O heaven, O earth! Nay, 'tis envy, methinks. Th' affliction of my mind amends.
Sirs, I am vexed! 'Tis puzzling: Lord Bob and Lady Harvey hath marketed said play as a comedie of love, magic and poetry. Yet there is one truly mass appeal draw about which there is but silence: Gwyneth Paltrow's bare bodkin is on display without precedent! 'Tis poetry indeed, those bubbies! Though less plentiful than Lady Harvey's, they make up in quality what's absent in abundance. Shout it loud from the highest hilltop, and thy grosses will multiply many-fold, methinks! Shakespeare himself hath writ "Leave not a rack behind." 'Tis potent advice!
Sincerely yours in the Love of God and Her Majesty the Queen,
Sean QuillPenn
P.S. If my name is unfamiliar to you, you can check your laptop parchment database under "Movie Buff." 'Tis a peculiar term, but my name is inexplicably listed therein. If thou art part of the studio publicity department, thou can find'st my name under "Movie Duff."
P.P.S. Hark! Henceforth, I shall refrain from scribing scathing letters when angered, for such may turn up as if by miracle in industry trade papers centuries hence. As you from crimes would pardoned be, let your indulgence set me free. By providence, my descendents shalt likely have steadier heads.
Copyright 1999 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
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DONÆT FORGET TO VISIT MOVIEJUICE.COM!
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
********************
TO UNSUBSCRIBE FROM THIS LIST:
DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL! Just go to http://www.moviejuice.com and follow the directions at the top of the left frame. It's very easy. NOTE: YOUR NAME CANNOT BE REMOVED FROM THE LIST UNLESS YOU UNSUBSCRIBE USING THE EMAIL ADDRESS YOU REGISTERED WITH). And don't write me lots of mean-spirited crap. I won't read it.
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------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 08:45:09 -0700 (MST)
From: Scott Renshaw <renshaw@inconnect.com>
Subject: [MV] REVIEW: THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT [Sundance]
Note: THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT was purchased for distribution at Sundance
by Artisan Entertainment, and will probably be released nationally in the
fall. This special review is my "Best of the Fest" selection. For other
Sundance reviews, please visit the Sundance '99 page at my web site.
THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT
(Artisan)
Starring: Heather Donahue, Michael Williams, Joshua Leonard.
Screenplay: Eduardo Sanchez and Daniel Myrick.
Producers: Gregg Hale and Robin Cowie.
Directors: Eduardo Sanchez and Daniel Myrick.
MPAA Rating: Not yet rated (probably R for profanity and thematic
content).
Running Time: 87 minutes.
Reviewed by Scott Renshaw.
The last of the 34 films I screened at Sundance this year was not
merely the best film the festival had to offer. THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT
is a work of genre-redefining brilliance, a strong early candidate for the
best film of 1999, and one of the most unnerving psychological thrillers
ever made. It works on the kind of primal level that will leave you
shaking for hours afterward. It's the kind of film for which festivals
like this truly exist.
The concept alone is one of the most ingenious a horror film has ever
come up with: an on-screen caption at the beginning of the film announces
that three college students disappeared in the Black Hills of Maryland
while making a documentary film, and that only the footage they shot was
ever found. Thus begins a 90-minute, verite-style tale of the three
students -- director Heather (Heather Donahue), cameraman Josh (Joshua
Leonard), and sound man Mike (Michael Williams) -- and their project to
make a film about a local legend. The story goes that mass child murders
and other disappearances in the area formerly known as Blair are the work
of the "Blair Witch," who lives in the hills above the town. The project
leads to a two-day hike for location footage, two days that we watch turn
into a seemingly endless nightmare when the trio gets lost and the sounds
at night grow ever more disturbing.
THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT begins with a seductive lightness of tone, as
the three filmmakers record both their own preparations for the project
(on video) and the background interviews which will become part of their
film (on 16 mm film). The interviews are frequently very funny --
including a mother whose toddler grows disturbed by the scary story she's
telling -- while they also provide insight that the filmmakers really
don't take the legend very seriously. The video pieces, meanwhile,
establish character traits that become crucial later in the film.
Heather, the project's leader, shows an unshakable-bordering-on-foolish
confidence in herself, leading to trouble; Mike, who expresses concerns
earlier than anyone, becomes the voice of common sense. Writer/directors
Eduardo Sanchez and Daniel Myrick don't just set up a scary story -- they
set up the people to whom this scary story will happen.
And folks, scary ain't even the half of it. THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT
is the kind of film that wreaks its havoc almost entirely in your head,
just as the events in the film wreak havoc on the heads of the characters
in it. The directors use darkness and sound with a shudder-inducing
effectiveness, never once resorting to cheap, trite tricks like people
jumping into frame or blasts of dissonant music (there is no musical
underscore). What we experience in THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT is the
collapse of sanity -- as days go by, the three filmmakers run out of food,
suffer from sleep deprivation and cold, and gradually come to believe that
they may never find their way home again. Heather reassures the others
and herself early in their experience that "this is America, you can't get
_that_ lost," but the film plays on exactly that fear of the wilderness
with a technique that will leave you adrenaline-charged and breathless.
Some viewers may be put off by the fact that the set-up guarantees a
bad end for the protagonists, or dubious regarding why the terrified trio
continue to record their experiences. Those elements might have troubled
me had THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT not established its characters so well that
they mattered as individuals more than the situation in which they find
themselves. All three of the largely improvised performances are dead-on
- -- I dare a viewer to find a moment when you can tell anyone is acting --
but Heather Donahue's work is emotionally shattering. Late in the film,
she videotapes an apology to her own parents and the parents of the two
men for placing them in such danger, the camera capturing only her eyes.
They are the eyes of a hunted animal, and the words she speaks will chill
you to your soul. THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT works as a study of
disintegrating humanity only because we feel the humanity of these three
brash kids to begin with. You expect a good horror film to be terrifying.
What makes this a great one -- perhaps one of the best ever -- is that
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Date: Tue, 2 Feb 1999 08:54:42 -0500 (EST)
From: maillist@moviejuice.com
Subject: [MV] MovieJuice! - SHE'S ALL THAT - Saved By The Ball
SHE'S ALL THAT - SAVED BY THE BALL
by Mark Ramsey
http://www.moviejuice.com
January 31, 1999
She's All That tries to cross teen classics like Clueless and Sixteen Candles, thus becoming clueless sixteen times over.
This is a movie that wants to be written by Cameron Crowe channeling George Bernard Shaw in the worst way. But Fast Times at Breakfast Club High it ain't. Although I understand that George did pen some of the more clever quips, such as the eternal "supersize my balls" and the profound "check out the bobo's on superfreak!" That George Bernard Shaw! What a foul-mouthed, witty card!
Eliza Boo-hoo-little stars as the dark-paletted bohemian artist with a complicated fashion sense and a complexion so pure, Intel is using her right cheek as a clean room for Pentium II chip production. I'm telling you, the only blackheads this chick has seen are in Spike Lee movies.
Eliza is best known as the groovy pan-swinging alterna-chick from the anti-Heroin commercials. "This is what Heroin does to your FRIENDS" - BAM - "This is what Heroin does to your FAMILY" - BAM.... Now that's a commercial that clearly illustrated the evils of...underwear. "This is what Heroin does to your BREASTS when you wear a tight T-SHIRT and no BRA!" BAM. No drug glamorizing there, huh?
This Fall, look for the musical version of She's All That, called My Phair Lady's All That, now in development by musical theater kingpins Lerner and Lowe. Here's a sample of the fly tuneage:
All I want is a room somewhere
Far away from the cold night air
With one Pizza Pube Hair
Owww, Wouldn't it be loverly....
I smell HIT! I definitely smell something.
Eliza stars opposite Teen Dream Freddie Prinze, Jr., the Clark Gable of the zit-set. And he ain't bad! Time to exit the teen track, Freddie, and follow my personal high school hero, John Cusack, to flicks grown-ups will see.
Look for the great Tim Matheson as Clark's dad. Tim's not only an alumnus of Animal House, he's also the original voice of Johnny Quest (the good one from the '60's, dudes, not the skateboarding, politically correctified one in circulation now, thanks to Turner) and the only guy to be buried alive on the USA Network. Hmm. Burying actors alive. I feel a Fox reality special coming on. Kind of a Circus of the Stars with Last Rites.
Kevin Pollak plays Eliza's dad in a subtle comic tour-de-force. His lame-ass Jeopardy game-play is pure gold.
In an effort to be satirical, I suppose, there's a long vamp on MTV's The Real World. Although how you parody a show that's a parody of itself is beyond me.
My favorite part, though, is the prom sequence. That's when Freddie and Eliza discover to their surprise that their average joe and jane C- classmates are actually professionally trained in Modern Dance! By golly, what luck! Does Martha Graham teach remedial math? Where's Patrick Swayze when you need him? Probably the same place Freddie Prinze will be if he keeps this up.
Welcome to Bob Fosse High! It's graduation time at the Kit Kat Club. Is this an audition for Xanadu II? Just when you think MTV rotation regulars and bizarro supporting players Usher and 'Lil Kim are shooting a hip hop video, Eliza breaks into a chorus of "FAME! I wanna live forever! Baby remember my name ...remember ...remember ...remember ...." It's the jiggy spawn of Irene Cara! Props to Debbie Allen! Give it up for Debbie!
The truth be known, there's nary an unpredictable moment in She's All That. Almost like watching a video you've seen before - but paying $8 for the privilege. This thing is so paint-by-numbers I can see the lines between the colors. Although I suspect most of this cast sees the lines only when they're sounded out phonetically.
Clueless was on TV Sunday night, reminding me what a fine flick that was. You didn't think She's All That would measure up, did you?
Oh, you did! That's so...sweet!
Copyright 1999 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
********************
DONÆT FORGET TO VISIT MOVIEJUICE.COM!
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
********************
TO UNSUBSCRIBE FROM THIS LIST:
DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL! Just go to http://www.moviejuice.com and follow the directions at the top of the left frame. It's very easy. NOTE: YOUR NAME CANNOT BE REMOVED FROM THE LIST UNLESS YOU UNSUBSCRIBE USING THE EMAIL ADDRESS YOU REGISTERED WITH). And don't write me lots of mean-spirited crap. I won't read it.
********************
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