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Date: Sun, 24 Jan 99 02:39:23 PST
From: "Rebecca Bezant" <sunybruk@infoblvd.net>
Subject: [MV] Hello? Am I still here?
Hi, i am curious if my subscription ran out or not? Cause i havent gotten=
any email from the list in 3 days, or is there nothing to talk about?
Just wondering.
Tim
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Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1999 19:22:33 -0500 (EST)
From: maillist@moviejuice.com
Subject: [MV] MovieJuice! - VARSITY BLUES - Van Der Weak
VARSITY BLUES - VAN DER WEAK
by Mark Ramsey
http://www.moviejuice.com
January 24, 1999
Suppose you're a pretty young thing with a major chemical imbalance. Isn't it nice to know that the only thing between your miserable life and glitzy, glamorous caviar dreams is the fence, the window, and the drawer leading to Brad Pitt's PJ's? Hey, look what wearing Brad's underwear did for Gwyneth; just imagine what it can do for you!
Brad checks his locks now (and I don't just mean the ones draped over his forehead), but fortunately there are lots of other celebrities with private homes and private lives who would be happy to host your springboard to stardom at their expense. Some folks go to jail for breaking and entering; others land a shoot with Playboy. Go figure.
Varsity Blues is the new football flick from MTV films. That's right, MTV films, where the soundtrack is king and the script is referred to as "non-melodic interstitial lyrical content."
According to MTV's production head, Beavis D. Labelweasel, "Varsity Blues is set in a town where football is not only the most important thing in life, but after air guitar, it IS life. In fact, if life had a pop-top and an insatiable hunger for yeast, it'd be Varsity Blues."
Here we have a town where the elders read dialogue as if the script is upside down: "Shit, them boys is having the time of their lives!" To which I reply, "Pass me a corndog. Jed and Mr. Drysdale is comin' round the bend in that Four-Runner doohicky!"
The good news, kids: Like virtually all efforts from MTV films, Varsity Blues features rows of lockers and pairs of knockers. Let's hear it for consistency and flicks with high schoolers in strip joints!
Fresh from the middle of a rowboat on Dawson's Creek comes James Van Der Beek in another gig that's Van Der Meek. Jimmy is the sensitive second-string high school quarterback with miles and miles of eyebrow - enough to hide a ball, a case of Gatorade, the Lindbergh baby, and most of the alumni skyboxes when the good seats just aren't good enough. Damn, man! You've got the only eyebrows with a built in 50-yard line! Do you scrimmage or tweeze?
The high point of this flick is when Jimmy visits Darcy, the Queen of all Cheerleaders, who wants in his Van Der Pants. She excuses herself to add whipped cream to a sundae and returns with her privates strategically snow-covered in a pattern only Jack Valenti and the ratings board could have devised. Word has it this scene required extensive retakes, since bowl after bowl of Cool Whip kept slipping off her breasts - not because of the hot lights but because of the hot breathing of the crew, who've had precious little time for gripping and gaffing lately.
Will Jimmy be Matterhorny for Mounts Everest and McKinley? Or will he demurely decline? Maybe it's the thin air - or the lack of proper climbing gear. When James resists Darcy's Elsie-covered charms, a small gaggle of Dawsonettes in the theater applauded, while a much larger group of machoguys groaningly acknowledged this is only a movie, and definitely a fictional one at that.
Her Highnesses Darcy is a gal who yanks her reluctant boyfriend into the laundry room for coy coital shenanigans. When he's in no mood to please, she sits atop the equipment, flicks a switch, and says "let the dryer do the work." If the dryer could do that work, sweetheart, babies would look like blow-dryers instead of daddies, and the umbilical cord would come UL-approved.
Last, but not least, there's Jon Voight as "Coach Kilmer," and I'm not talkin' acting coach, believe me! Jon has an unbeaten record for football wins and - as far as I can tell - eyelid lifts. Take that, Jack Lemmon.
Pigs, as the saying goes, get slaughtered, but hams have long, fruitful careers, and Jon's so smoked and honey-baked, he's got pineapple slices toothpicked to his sides. I guess if you've got ham and cheese, somebody will always give you bread.
In all fairness, though, we have Coach Jon to thank for legendary tight end Angelina Jolie.
More players like that, Jon, and I'm ponying up for the draft!
Copyright 1999 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
********************
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
********************
TO UNSUBSCRIBE FROM THIS LIST:
DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL! Just go to http://www.moviejuice.com and follow the directions at the top of the left frame. It's very easy. NOTE: YOUR NAME CANNOT BE REMOVED FROM THE LIST UNLESS YOU UNSUBSCRIBE USING THE EMAIL ADDRESS YOU REGISTERED WITH). And don't write me lots of mean-spirited crap. I won't read it.
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------------------------------
Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1999 18:50:18 -0500
From: Noah Giovanetto <noah@cyberdesic.com>
Subject: Re: [MV] MovieJuice! - VARSITY BLUES - Van Der Weak
Obviously you're not the target audience for this movie. MTV's last two films featured neither "lockers" nor "knockers" as you so eloquently stated. One was a cartoon and the other, "Joe's Apartment" was about a guy and his cockroaches.
And by the way, just because people are from the South and perhaps do not speak as eloquently as you, does that mean movies should not be made about them? Even Roger Ebert liked this movie, so get off your soap box already....
Anyway, that's my two cents...
arounmaillist@moviejuice.com wrote:
> VARSITY BLUES - VAN DER WEAK
>
> by Mark Ramsey
>
> http://www.moviejuice.com
>
> January 24, 1999
>
> Suppose you're a pretty young thing with a major chemical imbalance. Isn't it nice to know that the only thing between your miserable life and glitzy, glamorous caviar dreams is the fence, the window, and the drawer leading to Brad Pitt's PJ's? Hey, look what wearing Brad's underwear did for Gwyneth; just imagine what it can do for you!
>
> Brad checks his locks now (and I don't just mean the ones draped over his forehead), but fortunately there are lots of other celebrities with private homes and private lives who would be happy to host your springboard to stardom at their expense. Some folks go to jail for breaking and entering; others land a shoot with Playboy. Go figure.
>
> Varsity Blues is the new football flick from MTV films. That's right, MTV films, where the soundtrack is king and the script is referred to as "non-melodic interstitial lyrical content."
>
> According to MTV's production head, Beavis D. Labelweasel, "Varsity Blues is set in a town where football is not only the most important thing in life, but after air guitar, it IS life. In fact, if life had a pop-top and an insatiable hunger for yeast, it'd be Varsity Blues."
>
> Here we have a town where the elders read dialogue as if the script is upside down: "Shit, them boys is having the time of their lives!" To which I reply, "Pass me a corndog. Jed and Mr. Drysdale is comin' round the bend in that Four-Runner doohicky!"
>
> The good news, kids: Like virtually all efforts from MTV films, Varsity Blues features rows of lockers and pairs of knockers. Let's hear it for consistency and flicks with high schoolers in strip joints!
>
> Fresh from the middle of a rowboat on Dawson's Creek comes James Van Der Beek in another gig that's Van Der Meek. Jimmy is the sensitive second-string high school quarterback with miles and miles of eyebrow - enough to hide a ball, a case of Gatorade, the Lindbergh baby, and most of the alumni skyboxes when the good seats just aren't good enough. Damn, man! You've got the only eyebrows with a built in 50-yard line! Do you scrimmage or tweeze?
>
> The high point of this flick is when Jimmy visits Darcy, the Queen of all Cheerleaders, who wants in his Van Der Pants. She excuses herself to add whipped cream to a sundae and returns with her privates strategically snow-covered in a pattern only Jack Valenti and the ratings board could have devised. Word has it this scene required extensive retakes, since bowl after bowl of Cool Whip kept slipping off her breasts - not because of the hot lights but because of the hot breathing of the crew, who've had precious little time for gripping and gaffing lately.
>
> Will Jimmy be Matterhorny for Mounts Everest and McKinley? Or will he demurely decline? Maybe it's the thin air - or the lack of proper climbing gear. When James resists Darcy's Elsie-covered charms, a small gaggle of Dawsonettes in the theater applauded, while a much larger group of machoguys groaningly acknowledged this is only a movie, and definitely a fictional one at that.
>
> Her Highnesses Darcy is a gal who yanks her reluctant boyfriend into the laundry room for coy coital shenanigans. When he's in no mood to please, she sits atop the equipment, flicks a switch, and says "let the dryer do the work." If the dryer could do that work, sweetheart, babies would look like blow-dryers instead of daddies, and the umbilical cord would come UL-approved.
>
> Last, but not least, there's Jon Voight as "Coach Kilmer," and I'm not talkin' acting coach, believe me! Jon has an unbeaten record for football wins and - as far as I can tell - eyelid lifts. Take that, Jack Lemmon.
>
> Pigs, as the saying goes, get slaughtered, but hams have long, fruitful careers, and Jon's so smoked and honey-baked, he's got pineapple slices toothpicked to his sides. I guess if you've got ham and cheese, somebody will always give you bread.
>
> In all fairness, though, we have Coach Jon to thank for legendary tight end Angelina Jolie.
>
> More players like that, Jon, and I'm ponying up for the draft!
>
> Copyright 1999 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
> ********************
>
> Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
>
> ********************
>
> TO UNSUBSCRIBE FROM THIS LIST:
>
> DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL! Just go to http://www.moviejuice.com and follow the directions at the top of the left frame. It's very easy. NOTE: YOUR NAME CANNOT BE REMOVED FROM THE LIST UNLESS YOU UNSUBSCRIBE USING THE EMAIL ADDRESS YOU REGISTERED WITH). And don't write me lots of mean-spirited crap. I won't read it.
>
> ********************
>
> IF YOUR LINES AREN'T WRAPPING
>
> If the lines extend way off into the right horizon, then look to your browser or email software for a setting called "Wrap Long Lines." Now, if your lines aren't RAPPING, then you should consider that normal.
>
> [ To leave the movies mailing list, send the message "unsubscribe ]
> [ movies (without the quotes) to majordomo@xmission.com ]
[ To leave the movies mailing list, send the message "unsubscribe ]
[ movies (without the quotes) to majordomo@xmission.com ]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1999 12:35:22 -0700 (MST)
From: Scott Renshaw <renshaw@inconnect.com>
Subject: [MV] Sundance Coverage This Week
Subscribers,
Just a reminder -- particularly to new subscribers who may be wondering
why they haven't gotten anything yet -- that this week is the Sundance
Film Festival. This week's only wide theatrical release (SHE'S ALL THAT)
will not be reviewed due to scheduling conflicts. Regular coverage of new
theatrical releases will resume the week of February 1.
Coverage of Sundance films can be found in the Screening Room, and will be
