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Date: Sun, 1 Nov 1998 16:07:19 -0500 (EST)
From: maillist@moviejuice.com
Subject: [MV] MovieJuice! - THE SIEGE and JOHNNY CARSON'S VAMPIRES
THE SIEGE - LE FREAK, C'EST SHEIK
by Mark Ramsey
http://www.moviejuice.com
November 1, 1998
Struggling up a mountaintop in the remote hinterlands of Tibet, Seven Habiteer Steven Covey and I searched for wisdom from the oracle of the ages, the holy one, the bowlegged Bride of Fuckenstein, the one and only Annette Bening.
Yonder lay Annette, under a willow tree, wrapped up in a lotus tighter than Warren Beatty's prenup. I snapped on my tape recorder....
Steven: "Annette, I'm working on a new book to extend my highly effective life-force into the next millennium. It's called 'The Seven Habits of Highly Housebroken Cats and Dogs,' and I have a question."
Annette: "Ooohhhmmmmmmmm. Speak, oh publishing phenomenon and excruciatingly bald one."
Steven: "What is the meaning of your superfluous, eye-rolling, soothsayer profundities in the new movie The Siege?"
Annette: "Hmm, you mean gems like 'it's never the question that's indiscreet, it's only the answer'? Pearls like 'the most committed wins'? Nuggets like 'It's easy to tell the difference between right and wrong. It's the wrong that's more right that's hard to spot'?"
Steven: "Yes, exactly!"
Annette's back with Denzel Washington and Bruce Willis in The Siege, a good movie that has almost as much to say about human nature and America as it does about that hideous freak of nature known as Bruce Willis's hair. Is this the "temple" of doom Indiana Jones was so uptight about? Brucie's hair, which is disappearing faster than the coral reef, was formed by the ancient movement of cranial continents known as "plate tectonics." Unfortunately, Amerasia has long since separated from Sideburnia, resulting in wide open prairies and frighteningly few amber waves of grain. Imagine the thrill when John Glenn's shuttle first circled Bruce's ego-bloated head and waved his flaps, passing over Bruce's handcrafted SilverStone Brainforest. It's slash and burn time for the Ginzu-hair! Is it true that Bruce doesn't use a hair stylist, just a glass blower?
But I think I'm getting distracted.
There's some kind of chemistry between Denzel and Annette. What's this, Denzel, your babes are aging! First sweet young Milla in He Got Game, now 40-ish Annette. Who's next, Lauren Bacall? Dorothy Lamour? I hear Faye Wray's got some time on her hands, even if she doesn't know what time it is and couldn't find her hands if her life depended on it.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Denzel is the Man! Here he's the FBI King of New York, which is under siege by Arab fanatics who are trying to get their Sheik back. But thanks to the rocket's red glare and bombs bursting in mid-air, the government declares martial law (which is actually Mr. Ed's law - Ed Zwick, that is - he the brains behind Thirtysomething, Courage Under Fire, and the great flick Glory, which was unkillable even by the skunk-like acting skills of Matt Broderick). In come the troops, and so goes My So-Called Strife.
The nasty terrorists even have the nerve to bomb a Broadway theater - as if those theaters don't contain enough bombs already. This evil act suspiciously offed numerous denizens of NYC couture but no heavyset tourists from Kansas! How could that be!? Of course, everyone was killed except the cast of Cats, thanks not to their nine lives but to their flame retardant costumes and utterly retardant plot.
So the Army seals off Brooklyn, rounds up all Arabs and cages them in a stadium, thus halting taxi service altogether and creating a scarcity of gibberish-like shouting and screaming throughout the New York metro.
Bruce is the Army dude who runs the show. He's got a firm hand and a steely, dull gaze. Not to mention a steely, dull performance. "Have you ever met anybody so in love with the sound of his own voice?" Annette asks Denzel after a run-in with Bruce. Yes, Bruce's voice rings loudly because there's no head drapery to soak up the sound.
For the record, this flick is not anti-Arab. The Siege is like an entertaining civics lesson. And who thought that was even possible? This Country gives us rights, and those rights extend to all citizens, sez The Siege. Even when we're under attack, we should remember to uphold the principles we fight and die for. And freedom is the most important principle of all.
Even if, as in Bruce's case, it's freedom from a comb.
Copyright 1998 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
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JOHN CARPENTER'S VAMPIRES - BAD GOON RISING
by Mark Ramsey
http://www.moviejuice.com
November 1, 1998
What can you say about the guy who brought us The Fog, featuring that remarkable B-movie actress and cross-your-heart bra victim Adrienne Barbeau. The Fog, you'll remember, is where Adrienne's amazing colossal breasts fight boldly against the supernatural forces of gravity, as plotlines collide with Newtonian physics in a helter skelter joyride of boobalicious fun.
Or something like that.
Here's a guy - the titular John Carpenter (no pun intended) - who hit it lucky with the certifiably classic Halloween, and has spent the past generation proving how lucky he really was. Lest the initials confuse you, he ain't Jesus Christ. John Carpenter's Vampires (where the web site is named after the guy, not the movie) is rated "Jetsons R" for "Rook Rout Rastro!" This flick is the Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman of 1998. If Columbia had produced this movie in the '60s, it'd be called The Three Stooges Vampires. Nyuck, nyuck, suck, yuck.
John is the personal nightmare Jim Cameron has before every priemiere. He pretty much wrote and directed and even scored the music for John Carpenter's Vampires. John, I have one word for you: Focus. The dialogue is lame and the music is lame to the tenth power. This music sounds like Doobie Brothers, or like John's smoking some brother's doobie. Most likely both.
John Carpenter's Vampires is based on a book called Vampire$ because this flick is designed to suck the bloody money right out of your pocket and turn you undead or at least unconscious within a scant 108 minutes. The "John Carpenter" part was added because Orson Welles' Vampires was already taken.
This flick features MENSA poster-child James Woods in the Kurt Russell role. If Jimmy's as smart as he says, it sure don't show in his choice of roles.
And then there's Daniel Baldwin. No matter which Baldwin you're thinking of, Daniel's not that one. You see, Daniel is the missing evolutionary link between Baldwinhood and the rest of mankind. In fact, the ACLU presented Daniel as Exhibit A in the landmark case where the Supreme Court outlawed Creationism, and Justice Sandra Day O'Connor remarked: "If that's a Baldwin, then I'm a horse's ass." God Bless you, Daniel!
And don't forget Maximillian Schell. Maximillian Schell? That's right, the legendary, one-time Oscar-magnet has turned refrigerator-magnet. Like Joan Crawford, it's time for some career-capping, low-budget fright flicks to bring home the bacon. And from the looks of him, Max's got a veritable bacon plantation back at the homestead. "Did you say something about a vampire STEAK, Jimmy? Mmmmm." The costume department faced this dilemma: Clothe Max or place a tent over Australia. Fortunately, one size fits all.
Here's the idea of John Carpenter's Vampires: A Master Thespian Vampire is searching for some ancient cross which was once tremendously popular - a Christopher Cross, I think, but soon to be renamed a Hootie Cross - which will allow him to walk in the daylight. That means two things: First, it would be bad. Second, he'll never be part of Stone Temple Pilots.
So the Catholic Church recruits Jimmy and his slayers to abort the goons because, says the Cardinal, bloodsuckers really piss off the Holy Father. The overzealous vamps are led by their master: Michael Stipe, who proved at the VH-1 Fashion Awards that nobody looks more undead. Does R.E.M. stand for "Really Emaciated Michael"? Everybody hurts, sometimes.
Once again, the sound effect du jour is the lion roar. Vampires open their mouths - roar. Vampires pull themselves out of the earth - roar. Vampires flush the toilet - roar. Vampires kiss my ass - roar. Please, Hollywood, let the king of the jungle rest in peace.
You know it's a John Carpenter movie thanks to the Night of the Living Dead-style Special Effects. Jimmy and company stake the vamps and tow them out into the sunlight where they burst into flame. Blade did it better. Big whoop.
Praise God for five precious minutes of Sheryl Lee nude. Sheryl, a.k.a. "the New Adrienne Barbeau," is a top-notch actress with an un-notched top and a bod to un-die for. Sheryl gets bitten, so Daniel has to strip her naked, thus subjecting us to a long stretch of firm, unblemished flesh and completely ignored dialogue. Why strip her naked? For us, dudes! That's why. You don't think there's a reason, do you? God Bless you, Daniel! Sheryl may not win an Oscar, but will she settle for a Woody?
What bugs me about this flick? Maybe it's the fact that any ten minutes of Joss Whedon's Buffy the Vampire Slayer are better than this whole movie, and Buffy is FREE. Hey, if somebody's gonna get ripped off by sucky entertainment, let it be Proctor & Gamble, not you and me. Now if I can just remember how to find the WB on my cable box.
Let's be honest, the best reason to watch Buffy is for fun with Willow. The vamps may be undead, but only Willow acts inhuman. Yes, she's got all the range of an emoticon. Here's Willow happy: :-). Here's Willow sad: :-(.
Here's Willow dead: :-X.
Copyright 1998 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
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Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
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