A couple of kind notes complimenting MovieJuice! this week. One from Good Morning America film critic Joel Siegel, and the other from Tom Sturges, whose dad Preston Sturges was one of the greatest comedy writer/directors of Hollywood's Golden Era. Tom described MovieJuice! as "MAD Magazine meets Daily Variety."
I wonder who should be more insulted: MAD or Daily Variety?
Thanks guys!
This week in MovieJuice! a shot-for-shot copy of an original MovieJuice! from 38 years ago! Get in line (if you can find one) forà.
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PSYCHO - DEJA DOO-DOO
by Mark Ramsey
http://www.moviejuice.com
December 6, 1998
In a move that shocked the industry, leading lesbians Anne Heche and Ellen DeGeneres last week announced they're leaving Hollywood! That's right, it's a "Reverse Beverly Hillbillies," with "Ellie May" Heche and "Jethro" DeGeneres loading up the Pathfinder and leaving Beverly. Hills, that is. Swimming fools, movie 'tards.
For God's sake, who will rule the self-righteous Lesbian kingdom? Who will be the new spokesperson for 10-10-6969?
Say the grrls, "the offers aren't pouring in." A curious perception, given that both Sapphic Sirens seem to be getting more gigs than brighter lights like DiCaprio and Swarzenegger - not to mention the entire, largely unemployed Screen Actors Guild. May I speak for all actors working for scale - if at all - when I say: Ladies, shut the Hell up!
Then again, what am I so steamed about? Most likely, their comments were taken completely out of context since - as every media observer knows - "context" and "ratings" are similar only in the letter-count.
Get real. Anyone who blames super-talented Anne (let alone her sexuality) for the tepid B.O. of flicks like Six Days, Seven Nights or Psycho, hasn't seen either picture. Because both suck Muskrat love, if you ask me.
Psycho, of course, is the new shot-for-shot retelling of the Hitchcock original. And may I say for the record, Martin Balsam looks better than ever!
In an effort to contact Hitch's spirit for comment, MovieJuice! organized a Psycho seance with the help of famous celebrity psychic mom Jackie Stallone, psychic hotline hostess Dionne Warwick, and well known Psycho Charles Manson. We sat around a table as the lights dimmed.
"Spirits, when will I get out of fuckin' jail?" asked Charlie.
Suddenly a pall came over Jackie as she screamed "I see him! He's in chains upside down in a tank of water!"
"That's Houdini, not Hitchcock," I exclaimed. "You've gone past 'H-I' in the Psychic Rolodex all the way to 'H-O!"' Terminate the call! Terminate the call!"
"Mr. Houdini, how do I escape from fuckin' shackles?" asked Charlie.
With a scowl, a pissed Houdini dissolved into the ether. That's the moment Jackie's crystal ball clouded, and emerging from the mist was the transparent spirit of Psycho director Gus Van Sant!
"You dare try to summon Hitchcock!" screamed Gus the Ghost. "Don't you fools know I've already done that for you! I've single-handedly changed the role of the director from head creator to head xerographer!"
"Ghost of Gus, why have you done this?" I asked.
"Because I can't get a paycheck if we colorize, you moron!"
"You know," continued Ghostly Gus, "Before every single one of them was fired, the top folks at Universal explained to me that teens won't go see a Black and White movie because it seems old-fashioned. To be relevant, the Universal brass told me, you need attractions like the Universal tour, where kids born after 1980 can thrill to stunning exhibits of modern day relevance like King Kong, the revolving tunnel from The Six Million Dollar Man, the Munster house, the street where they shot The Sting, and the lagoon from McHale's Navy. 'Kids love things with pep,' they told me, as they flicked their fedoras to one side and lit up another Lucky. And jeepers if I don't agree."
"Someone call Gus-busters," quipped Charlie.
"Besides, I like to pretend the cinema of the past forty years never happened. Let's face it, what's more shocking than Psycho, except for maybe the news that Pro Wrestling is phony. Folks still wear felt fedoras, don't they? And don't movies still feature poky slo-mo zoom-ins on hotel windows, just like in the days when helicopters were powered by pedals? Or molasses-paced, interminable driving sequences where nothing happens except the Flight of the Bumble-Bee soundtrack? Plus, I thought, if anyone can make the first modern day slasher flick without big boobs, it's me!"
"Gus, when will I get out of fuckin' jail?" begged Charlie.
"So let me finish," continued Gus. "I figured, 1960, 1998, what's 38 years? I mean, Pat Boone and Andy Williams are big as ever, aren't they? Even Donny and Marie are back on TV for a couple weeks! So we just used the same script...plus a masturbation scene."
"Uh...Excuse me?" mumbled Dionne, who had been reflecting on the difficulty of finding 8-track tapes lately.
"I hear ya on that masturbation thing," said Charlie.
"Yeah," said Gus. "I couldn't find anything to change, but I always felt the movie would have been improved with masturbation."
"What wouldn't be?" noted Charlie.
Continued Gus, "I tried to insert a masturbation scene into Good Will Hunting for Damon, but Matt told me in his relationship, he did all the cooking and Affleck did all the masturbating. 'Division of labor,' he called it. Thank God for DVD - it's one of the 'extras.'"
Suddenly, Jackie shrieked "I'm losing the vibrations!"
"I'm not," said Charlie as the table mysteriously rose on his side.
With that, the ghost of Gus Van Sant dissolved into nothingness, setting a precedent which the new version of Psycho is very likely to follow.
As the lights flicked on, I reflected on the one good scene in the movie - the quick shot of an angry Hitchcock lecturing Van Sant, poking him in the chest with his finger.
Ain't that the truth.
Copyright 1998 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
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Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
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Subject: [MV] MovieJuice! - STAR TREK: INSURRECTION - Deep Space Fiennes
Date: 13 Dec 1998 15:33:58 -0500 (EST)
This week in MovieJuice!: Go "Away, Team" and DISengage forà.
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STAR TREK: INSURRECTION - DEEP SPACE FIENNES
http://www.moviejuice.com
by Mark Ramsey
December 13, 1998
Embedded deep in a cave in South Africa, scientists this week uncovered the oldest human skeleton ever found. DNA analysis has confirmed that these were the still (but barely) living remains of Star Trek's DeForest "Bones" Kelley who, upon being identified, stood up, brushed the dust of his fossilized ribcage, and announced to no one in particular, "Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor! Not an Australopithecus afarensis!"
In a related story, paleontologist Steven Jay Gould has discovered what he claims to be the missing link between TV's Herman Munster and Miramax co-honcho Harvey Weinstein. It's called the "Fred Gwyn-eth Paltrow."
Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the cosmos, along comes Star Trek movie number nine which, it turns out, carries a full-bodied and virulent strain of the legendary and fatal "odd numbered Star Trek movie curse." What with the TV versions of Star Trek falling on hard times, that odorous stench is the smell of a sick franchise, and I'm not talkin' Boston Market! Take it from a Star Trek fan: Star Trek: Insurrection sucks.
Scanning the theater, it looks to me like a stag party for the high school A/V department. There's no girl for miles. Mingle, boys, mingle! This must be the only place in the universe where a guy would rather vary his shield harmonics and fire off a metaphasic tachion burst than kiss a girl. Then again, from the looks of this theater, most of these guys are in love with a gal named Pentium. She may not put out, but man-oh-man does she render!
The foreboding on this trek begins the moment we see the ominous title of galactic evil on screen: "A Jonathan Frakes Film." And it's Olympic downhill from there, folks.
The biggest surprise in Star Trek: Insurrection - besides the fact that Anthony Zerbe is still alive - is the clever effort at converting mainstream science fiction into dinner-theater style musical comedy! In a galactic chase scene, Captain Jean Luc "Roy Rogers" Picard attempts to capture Commander "Gene Autry" Data by joining him in a chorus from Gilbert and Sullivan's H.M.S. Pinafore.
This suggests not only that song is more powerful than phaser, but that Star Trek: The Musical Comedy is the obvious next evolution of the franchise. Elton John, who has been signed by Paramount to do the music and lyrics, has agreed to provide MovieJuice! with a sampling. Here, for the first time, is Elton's "Gee Officer Data" from the upcoming Star Trek: The Musical. It's sung by "Crys," the animated dilithium crystal, voiced by Seinfeld vet and unrepentant musical comedy enthusiast Jason Alexander:
Gee Officer Data
(sung to the tune of West Side Story's "Gee Officer Krupke")
Gee Officer Data
I'm really upset
How old do I have to get
to kiss a girl yet
I know all my star dates
my gravitron fields
Save me from thermal overload
OVERLOAD!
Overload,
Overload,
Thermal overload
Live long and prosper,
Overload!
Gee Officer Data
I'm down on my knees
I'll have to dump the warp core
Pos-i-tron-i-cal-ly
That babe Dr. Crusher
or Counselor Troi
Their boobs are firming
I'm a boy!
I'M A BOY!
...and so it goes.
It seems the Enterprise has stumbled onto the Planet of the Fountain of Youth, an idyllic land inhabited by peaceful white people who never get old. Kind of Star Trek: Baywatch. But look out! Evil wear-dated, carpet-faced baddies want in in a bad way. They get their heads surgically stretched, stapled, and Dupont-treated to avoid converting to shag.
Think about it. Where else but from looks-fixated L.A. would we get a neurotic tale of aging fear and the battle for endless youth as an alternative to cosmetic surgery? Damn! This movie is a thinly veiled Hollywood true-life story! It's a race of Joan Rivers led by General Mary Tyler Moore battling the nubile Claire Forlani race led by firm-bodied piece-nik Gretchen Mol. Hey Star Trek writers, please work out your neuroses with your shrinks, will ya? We're here for the story!
Check out the borderline zany plot points: Taking a page from WB's Dawson's Creek, trauma ensues when Klingon Worf gets a zit. I kid you not. In the ultimate gamer fantasy, Commander Riker drives the Enterprise into battle with a joystick. Then, of course, there was the emotional scene where Picard and Data lean over the bow of the Enterprise bridge, stretch out their arms, and yell "I'm King of the World! Wa-hoo!"
One good thing about the Next Generation cast: They don't all get auto-upgraded to Captain status after a few years. I don't know about you, but on the day Starfleet promotes Captain Crusher and Captain Troi to join Captain Sulu and Captain Chekov, I'm packing my bags and transporting to Romulan space.
A good Captain must be hard to find.
Almost as hard as a good Star Trek script.
Copyright 1998 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
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Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
********************
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DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL! Just go to http://www.moviejuice.com and follow the directions at the top of the left frame. It's very easy. NOTE: YOUR NAME CANNOT BE REMOVED FROM THE LIST UNLESS YOU UNSUBSCRIBE USING THE EMAIL ADDRESS YOU REGISTERED WITH). And don't write me lots of mean-spirited crap. I won't read it.
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Subject: [MV] MovieJuice! - YOU'VE GOT MAIL and A CIVIL ACTION
Date: 20 Dec 1998 15:44:19 -0500 (EST)
Visit MovieJuice! (http://www.moviejuice.com) this week for these web exclusives:
- A special preview of Kevin Smith's "Dogma," coming in '99
- A look at the "Top Secret" script for the sequel to Good Will Hunting!
- Some "don't miss" pictures, especially for You've Got Mail. Trust me, it's worth it.
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YOU'VE GOT MAIL - SAVING MEG RYAN
http://www.moviejuice.com
by Mark Ramsey
December 20, 1998
'Twas the night before Christmas, when through Warners' house
Not Avengers was stirring, not even a mouse;
The hopes were all hung by Christmas with care,
in hopes that St. Tom soon would be there;
The audience nestled all snug in their beds,
while Sleepless in Seattle danced in their heads.
Out at the box office arose such a clatter,
I sprang to the theater to see what was the matter.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but an unbeatable formula, and eight tiny reindeer.
Before I could say, "I'll run to the John,"
I knew in a moment it must be St. Tom.
More rapid than eagles the lonely-hearts came,
And he whistled and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now Big, and Punchline and Bonfire and 'burbs!
On, Ephron and Gump and Turner and...Hooch!
To the hearts of the masses, the top of the wall
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Tom came with a bound.
He was dressed for romance, from his head to his foot.
"It's Meg and Tom magic," he said, full of soot.
His eyes - how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow.
As the ladies would swoon, their men grumbled "doh!"
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
"I've got enough Oscars to open a store,"
Tom proudly proclaimed, "but I'll make room for more."
With magic, you know, You've Got Mail is chocked full.
Even a stone would for this couple pull.
The writing is bright. It's a holiday treat.
This notion of whether these two should "meet."
"Every project I touch, it turns to gold,
excepting Bonfire, but that sucker's old."
Tom lay a finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle.
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, SEE YOU ON OSCAR NIGHT!"
Copyright 1998 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
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A CIVIL ACTION - LAW AND ODOR
http://www.moviejuice.com
by Mark Ramsey
December 20, 1998
"This movie is SO fly. So get DOWN and get REAL with A Civ-il Ac-tion!"
- MTV's Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez - the belly-baring chick with the Cat-in-the-Hat chapeau. Full of "one-eyed" jack, she's a master of "Hooked on Phonics," the cue-card edition
I don't think a week goes by without a new movie featuring William H. Macy! Now, I like Bill Macy as much as the next guy - in fact I've been a fan ever since his days on Maude - but what's the deal? Aren't there more than three supporting actors in Hollywood? Bill is moviedom's answer to the Jamaican domestic. Hey, guy, take a vacation! Let some other actors have a crack at it, folks like Billy Bob or Paul Giamatti. Haven't seen those guys in a while.
Bill joins Scientologist L. John Travolta - who's clinging to the comeback trail with an ever-loosening grip - in A Civil Action, a legal eagle potboiler where the little people face off against evil, faceless corporate industrial goliaths.
Somebody, it seems, is dumping toxic waste with impunity - and I'm not talking about the writers on Caroline in the City! The water is going bad and the babies are pushing up daisies. Is it a coincidence, those two mega-corporations digging and dredging around town with "poison"-stamped barrels rusting all over the place? I think NOT!
One of the alleged evil-doers is chemical giant W.R. Grace and Co. It turns out I had a run-in of my own with that company's one-time chairman Peter Grace. Here was a guy whose voice was an accident scene at the intersection of Truman Capote Way and Mickey Mouse Drive. As a professional woman in a crowded lecture room asked him a question, he lifted a cheek to make room for his pointed tail, belched out a smoky carbon monoxide-laced fog, swizzled a shot of benzene into his brandy, and called her "sweetheart" and "honey." And this is the company poisoning thousands? I can't imagine.
The other alleged bad guy is mega-corporation Beatrice Foods. One thing I can say with complete confidence: I will never work for a company named after any character who calls Mayberry home (my apologies to the makers of Andes Mints and Goobers, not to mention that grand old store Barneys). Hey investors, you can find Beatrice on the NYSE, along with similarly name-challenged sister companies Mabel Munchies and Edna Edibles.
A Civil Action is from the guy who wrote Schindler's List, and it shows. This is a good movie!
John Travolta is a crusading hero lawyer and Cornell grad who's playing legal hoochie koochie with the Harvard big boys. "Cornell is a damn good school," says Harvard alum and one-time director Sidney Pollack in what sure sounds like a patronizing insult. As a Cornell man myself, my recollections of Harvard include countless sessions of football whup-ass as the Crimson stampeded again and again over whatever fine threads of dignity we were lucky enough to retain since our last whup-ass at their maroonish hands. Fortunately, even in the darkest moments when we felt like the Ivy's armpit, the Ivy's asshole was still Penn. God bless the pecking order!
And then there's acting's Rock-of-Gibraltar, Robert Duvall. He's the quirky yet intelligent pinstriped soldier of legal evil. "You're lucky to find anything here that resembles the truth," says Duvall. Was he referring to the Golden Globes?
A Civil Action teaches the profound lesson that "law" and "truth" are not the same thing. I learned that lesson when Perry Mason turned out to be gay.
John fights injustice against overwhelming odds. But fighting the good battle costs bucks, and John's team loses everything - their money, their homes, their lights, their chairs, their autographed copies of Dianetics - everything but the cracked Cornell diploma and the Pamela and Tommy sex tape - remarkable achievements, both. Life is lower than low! In desperation, they fill out countless credit card applications for quick cash - just like an Indie producer and those crazies who bid for Furby's on-line.
Fortunately, the town rallies around John. Big business is evil and small-town working folk are God's chosen people. What's more, these folks have a right to clean water so they can live to the end of this movie. That's when all of John's friends gather 'round the Christmas tree joined by wife Mary, John's kid brother Harry, and his Uncle Billy for a toast: "To my big brother John, the richest man in town."
As John's little girl, Zuzu, says: "Every time a bell rings, Bill Macy gets another movie."
Copyright 1998 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
********************
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
********************
TO UNSUBSCRIBE FROM THIS LIST:
DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL! Just go to http://www.moviejuice.com and follow the directions at the top of the left frame. It's very easy. NOTE: YOUR NAME CANNOT BE REMOVED FROM THE LIST UNLESS YOU UNSUBSCRIBE USING THE EMAIL ADDRESS YOU REGISTERED WITH). And don't write me lots of mean-spirited crap. I won't read it.
********************
IF YOUR LINES AREN'T WRAPPING
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Thanks for your readership and support over the past twelve months. This has been a great year for MovieJuice! A half-million hits a month - not bad for a site that adds only one or two new pages a week.
Besides being the most read and most despised publication among Hollywood's power elite since the leaflet that passed for the script to Godzilla, we've also received some remarkable acceptance in the film critic community, and we all know how important that is (ha, ha). Believe it or not, I actually vote on awards now! Has Hollywood gone to Hell in a handbasket or what? Now I actually refer to celebrities with the prefix "my good friend" even though I hate their frickin' guts!
1999 is going to be another exciting year. In '98, I moved into RealVideo. In '99, look for live action! (No, not that kind) And don't be surprised if MovieJuice! turns up on a UPN affiliate near you.
I can be surprised, but don't you be.
Happy Holidays. See you in '99.
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STEPMOM - PRETTY OTHER-WOMAN
by Mark Ramsey
http://www.moviejuice.com
December 23, 1998
So I'm going to the movies to see Julia Roberts in Strip-mom. Imagine my surprise when Strip-mom turns out to be Stepmom! Surprise turns to shock and incredulity when Julia presses those Library of Congress-sized lips against Ed Harris, thus redefining the term "liposuction." There's a liplock with the gravitational force of a small planet, if I've ever seen one! When Julia boards a plane, do those lips count as carry-ons? Or do they have carry-ons of their own?
Why Ed Harris? Isn't that like a body-builder doing finger-presses? Listen, the only way Julia's gonna go for Ed is if there's a Will involved.
Sorry gang. Before Julia goes head-over for Ed, Hell would not only have to freeze over, it would have to be redeveloped into a frozen, arctic luxury condominium, complete with valet parking and an on-site fitness facility and sauna. Then we could call it "Hell on Ice" and keep former Olympic figure skaters like Katarina Witt working, so they don't have to trade their 15 minutes for a Playboy gig or - worse - start acting.
Stepmom is a paean to the broken family - actually, more like a broken record to the broken family. Come to think of it, I'd like to break the record "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" over the karaoke-addicted noggins of costars Julia and Susan Sarandon. Does every prop department file away hair brushes under the label "microphone"? What is this, "Remarriage, the Musical?" Is it true Nathan Lane will replace Ed Harris in the stage version? Are those Willy Wonka's Oompa Loompas in the chorus? Is there an intermission, or can I walk out anytime?
Help! I'm sick! I've been exposed to Strep-mom. I need an antibiotic, or at least an antijulianic or antisusanic.
Hey, doesn't every family have an estate in the woods and a gaggle of horses in the stable? Come to think of it, there's no "stable" in this family, but there's plenty of horse-shit and next to no "wood," if you know what I'm saying. Meanwhile, the only estate is estate of eye-rolling boredom.
This is one of those flicks where kids act like campy Batman villains. We have the nefarious "Notorious ' Dipsy' P.O.U.T.Y." and delinquent young rug-rattler "Teletubby Doggy Dogg." Evil juveniles of the worst sort - both studying acting for the next Old Navy commercial at my expense. "Don't give me any lip," Julia yells at the kids, like she needs any more of that.
The annoying daughter complains while painting that she can't get the trees to look real. Hey, girlfriend, how about using green instead of YELLOW! That'd be a fine chromatically-correct choice, wouldn't it?
I hate to say the writers are out of touch, but the idea that a 12-year-old chick is gonna freak out over Pearl Jam tickets is like a 30-year-old going ga-ga for Peggy Lee ("Gee willikers! It's Peggy Lee and Mel TormΘ - on the same bill!"). This is one 12-year-old with absolutely no friends, folks. Read and learn, Hollywood: DMX, Beasties, Snoop, Master P. - these are closer to the mark, dudes. Make a note of it.
Is it possible to have a family drama where a matriarch isn't sick or dying? Evidently not. You see, there are only a few kinds of gals in the movies. After abundant research, MovieJuice! has developed the following helpful guide to Hollywood gigs for the aspiring actress. Find your category, take a seat, and someone will be right with you:
The Five Stages of Movie Womanhood
1. The Nubile Sex Object a.k.a. "The Gratuitous Vanity Fair Cover" a.k.a. "The Dubba-Dubba-Dubba-U-B" e.g., Neve Campbell, Gretchen Mol, Charlize Theron, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Sarah Michelle Geller, Denise Richards, Uma Thurman. Newest entry: Check local WB listings
2. The Hopeless Lonely-Heart a.k.a. "The Where's Prince Charming?" e.g., Meg Ryan, Sandra Bullock, Julia Roberts. Newest entry: Jennifer Aniston
4. The Dying Mom a.k.a. "The Maternal Mortis" e.g., Kathy Bates, Meryl Streep, Susan Sarandon, Gena Rowlands (and that's just this year)
5. The Quirky Grandma a.k.a. "The Debbie Reynolds" Okay, Debbie pretty much owns this category. Shirley Maclaine, Anne Bancroft, and Lauren Bacall yield to the master.
And, as Julia would say, "don't give me any lip."
Copyright 1998 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
********************
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
********************
TO UNSUBSCRIBE FROM THIS LIST:
DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL! Just go to http://www.moviejuice.com and follow the directions at the top of the left frame. It's very easy. NOTE: YOUR NAME CANNOT BE REMOVED FROM THE LIST UNLESS YOU UNSUBSCRIBE USING THE EMAIL ADDRESS YOU REGISTERED WITH). And don't write me lots of mean-spirited crap. I won't read it.
********************
IF YOUR LINES AREN'T WRAPPING
If the lines extend way off into the right horizon, then look to your browser or email software for a setting called "Wrap Long Lines." Now, if your lines aren't RAPPING, then you should consider that normal.
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