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buffyfic-digest        Friday, January 22 1999        Volume 03 : Number 028



In this issue:

       BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (18b/18)
       BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (18c/18)

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Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 17:25:22 PST
From: "Andrea Newbery" <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (18b/18)

disclaimers in 18a.

"Mr. Harris, are you telling the court that on the night of the attack
you were still under the impression that Ms. Chase had left you because
she felt that you weren't good enough for her?" The prosecutors voice
was gentle as he spoke.

"Yes." Xander replied, his regret evident.

"We have heard from Miss Summers that the real reason Ms. Chase left
town was due to witnessing a kiss between Miss Summers and yourself. Is
this true?"

"Yes." Xander spoke painfully, as if the word had ripped through his
throat.

"And when did you realize that this was the reason Ms. Chase had left
town?"

"After Doug attacked her. Willow and Buffy told me that Cordelia was
pregnant, and I left to go look for her. She told me then." Xander's
voice was agonized, his eyes bright with tears as he spoke of that
night.

"I see. And this was after the police had arrested Mr. Foster?"

"Yes."

"So at the time you subdued Mr. Foster and called the police, you had no
reason to want to help Ms. Chase?"

"No." Xander whispered, his eyes full of pain and guilt as he met
Cordelia's eyes.

The district attorney stopped there, sitting down as the defense stood
and began to speak.

"Mr. Harris, you were in love with Ms. Chase at the time of her
departure six years ago, were you not?"

"Yes."

"And what was your reaction to her departure?"

"I was hurt and angry." Xander said nervously.

"I see. And how did you show this anger?" The defense continued at
Xander's confused look. "Did you, by chance, start drinking to deal with
your loss?"

Xander sat back, taking a deep breath before nodding slowly. "Yes."

"I see." The defense lawyer smiled, his voice disarming as he asked his
next question. "Do you know who the father of Ms. Chase's baby was?"

"Yes."

"Was it you?"

"Yes." Xander said quietly, his voice a mixture of pride and pain.

"And how did Ms. Chase manage to become pregnant with your child if you
were still estranged at the time of the attack?"

The pulse in Xander's neck jumped as he looked to Cordelia. She smiled
back, her gaze trying to tell him that it was okay.  "I was drunk and we
made love. I didn't remember it in the morning."

"So Ms. Chase took advantage of your weakness?" The defense attorney
said coldly, turning to look at his client. "As she took advantage of
her husband's weakness."

"No." Xander shouted, almost leaping from his chair before regaining
control.

The defense attorney smiled, walking back to his seat. The district
attorney shuffled through his papers for a moment before standing again.
Walking toward Xander he spoke in a conversational tone. "Mr. Harris, do
you blame Ms. Chase for your drinking problem?"

"No."

"But you started drinking to deal with losing her, how could you not
blame her?"

"Cordelia didn't make me drink. I did. It was a choice I made." Xander
replied calmly.

"What do you remember about the night your child was conceived?"

"I remember Cordelia crying and telling me that she loved me. And
telling me that she hadn't wanted to leave me." Xander said slowly, his
eyes locked on Cordelia's.

"Do you think Ms. Chase took advantage of your weakness?"

"No. She stayed with me when I was to drunk to get home. And I made love
with her, because I love her not because I was drunk."

"Thank you, Mr. Harris." The prosecutor said, dismissing him as he
turned to Cordelia. "I call Cordelia Chase to the stand."

Cordelia stood shakily, her hands slipping from Buffy and Willow as she
walked towards the witness stand, her fingers brushing against Xander as
he passed her. She spoke firmly as she was sworn in and sat down,
careful to avoid looking in the direction of the defense. The district
attorney was gentle as he took her through the events of the night of
the attack, and through the loss of her child. Cordelia managed to keep
from crying, her voice thick as she spoke of the loss of her child.

"Ms. Chase, tell us about your marriage? Was it happy?"

"No. Doug drank all of the time and he cheated on me from our wedding
day."

"Did you love him?"

"No." Cordelia answered clearly.

"But you stayed with him while he cheated on you and through his
drinking. Why did you finally leave him?"

"Because he told me that he had only married me to keep his trust fund
intact." Cordelia replied, her face red as she stared down at her hands.

The district attorney stopped questioning her there, letting the defense
begin. "Ms. Chase, I know the loss of your child has been very hard on
you, and we all feel your pain. I know you want someone to blame, but
sometimes these things just happen." He paused there, smiling sadly at
the jury. "Let's talk about your marriage. Is it true that you spent
most nights in your room, crying for another man?"

Cordelia hesitated, her eyes pulled unwillingly to her parents, unable
to comprehend how they could do this to her. "Yes."

"And you denied your husband your marriage bed?"

"Yes."

"Do you deny that you were cold to your husband, pushing him into the
arms of other women to find the love he should have had at home?"

"Push?" Cordelia repeated incredulously. "He slept with my maid of
honor, how did I push him into that?"

"Ms. Chase, please answer the question."

"Yes. I deny that I pushed him to other women. I was a good wife. I was
always there for him, he just preferred to be with his friends or his
women." Her voice was angry now, her eyes hardening as she stared at the
defense attorney.

"When you married Mr. Foster, did you love another man? Did you love
Alexander Harris?"

"Yes." She answered proudly, refusing to feel guilty for it. There were
many things she regretted, but loving Xander wasn't one of them.

The defense attorney stopped questioning her there, obviously surprising
her Father, who leaned forward to whisper furiously to the man. The
district attorney didn't ask her any further questions and Cordelia
walked from the witness stand back to her seat in time to hear the judge
call for lunch break. The entire group walked out into the hallway
quietly, the events of the morning draining them. Cordelia pulled away
from the group, slipping into the bathroom. She stood staring at her
reflection in the mirror, taking in the dark circles under her eyes and
the paleness of her skin. Dropping her head she began to cry, her sobs
echoing in the empty room. The door pushed open and she lifted her head
to see who had entered. Willow and Buffy walked over to her, pulling her
into a hug. Cordelia leaned on her friends, sobbing brokenly. "I did
this. If I had remembered about those stupid journals Doug wouldn't have
had a chance and they never would have been able to hurt Xander."

"Cordelia. Stop this." Buffy said firmly. "Doug will be found guilty,
and Xander doesn't blame you."

Cordelia pulled back, her breath coming in short gasps as she tried to
regain control. Nodding at her friends     she let them pull her from
the bathroom, not even noticing that her make-up had been washed off by
her tears. They rejoined the rest of the group in the hallway, no one
mentioning the trial as they walked to a nearby restaurant. Cordelia
hung back slightly, afraid to come to close to Xander. What could she
say to him? She had messed up everything by not remembering the
journals. Xander slowly drifted back to her, walking silently beside
her. She snuck a glance at him, unable to read anything from his
expression. A small ache formed in her stomach as she longed for the
days when his face had told her everything. Her voice was small as she
forced herself to speak. "I'm so sorry about the journals. I was in such
a hurry when I left Doug, I never even gave them a thought."

Xander stopped, turning her to face him. "It's not your fault. And it's
nothing you have to be sorry for. They would have found out about my
drinking anyway, lots of people knew about my problem."

"But...but I did that to you. I left you and I made you drink." Cordelia
whispered.

"I meant what I said on the stand. Drinking was my choice, not yours. I
don't blame you for it." Xander spoke softly, his voice determined.

"Just like marrying Doug was mine." Cordelia replied bitterly. "And
because of me, he's going to get away with what he did."

"Don't." Xander said harshly, his fingers digging into her shoulders.
"Doug attacked you. Doug killed our child. It is no one's fault but
his." He released her shoulders, his arms dropping to his sides as he
continued. "And mine."

"No." Cordelia replied firmly, her hands reaching out for his as she
finally admitted to herself, and to him that he had lost as much as she
had with Doug's attack. Her eyes were bright as she stared at Xander,
seeing him for the first time as not only her High School sweetheart, or
the man who had hated her, but as the father of her child. The man who
had been denied the right to know that child, first by her, and then by
Doug.  "Nothing that happened with Doug was your fault."

"If I had listened to you...if I had one ounce of faith in you..."
Xander spoke angrily. "If I had taken one minute to think of why you
were leaving, instead of the fact that you were leaving."

Cordelia interrupted him, her voice loud. "Stop. Right now." She
pronounced every word clearly, flinging her hair off her face as she
considered him. "Nothing that I did or that you did made it okay for
Doug to attack me. Nothing that we did made us deserve to lose our
child. Nothing." As she spoke the words she felt a huge weight floating
from her shoulders. It wasn't her fault that the baby had died, and it
wasn't her fault that Xander had started drinking. Just like it wasn't
his fault that she had left and married a miserable bastard. Her hand
was gentle as she touched his arm. "Xander, when I found you on the
beach, you told me that you had always loved me. Maybe I took advantage
of you, but I don't regret it. It was a beautiful night where the past
had no place. We loved each other that night and our baby was created
from it. That baby would have lived a wonderful life if not for Doug."

"But..." Xander started.

"No. That's all there is Xander. It is not your fault." Cordelia took a
deep breath as she finished speaking, looking ahead of her to see the
group waiting for them at the edge of the parking lot. "We can assign
blame for a lot of the things we did, but this isn't one of them."
Pulling his hand she began walking towards their friends.



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------------------------------

Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 17:25:40 PST
From: "Andrea Newbery" <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (18c/18)

disclaimers in 18a

Everyone was quiet at lunch, thinking of the afternoon ahead of them and
wondering what the defense had in store for them. They headed back to
the courtroom in the same silence they had left it. Sitting quietly into
their seats and waiting for the defense to begin calling witnesses.
Doug's father was called to the stand first, the older gentleman firmly
denying that he had threatened his son's trust fund at any point. He was
smooth and convincing and Cordelia felt herself sinking as she listened
to him speak. The prosecutor tried to break his story, but was
unsuccessful. Her father took the stand next, his voice breaking as he
told of his daughter's descent into her own reality. His voice shaking
as he told of the wonderful daughter who hadn't been able to handle her
husband's infidelity and had therefore made up a world in which the
boyfriend she had dumped after high school was the perfect man. The
prosecutor had better luck with him, asking him why he had agreed to
defend the man who had allegedly attacked his daughter.

"Because we knew that it wasn't true." Mr. Chase replied smoothly.

"And how do you explain the bruising on her neck and the loss of her
child?" The prosecutor countered.

"Her so-called friends must have helped her."

"So, you are in fact accusing your daughter of killing her unborn child
to frame her ex-husband?"

"No." Mr. Chase mumbled, his face flushing at the implication. "She must
have lost the baby and then concocted this plan."

"I see. So your daughter was lying in a hospital bed, having just lost
her child and her husband was already under arrest for attacking her,
yet somehow she made a plan up. How do you explain Mr. Foster's presence
earlier in the evening?"

"He came to talk to her. To see if she would give their marriage another
chance. He did not attack her." Mr. Chase's voice was unsure now, his
face still flushed.

"Are you sure?" The prosecutor said gently.

"Yes." Mr. Chase answered looking directly at Cordelia for the first
time. She met her father's eyes slowly, his gaze burning through her.
When her Father spoke again, his voice was thicker. "No. I am not sure."

The defense table began buzzing, Doug's father leaning close to the
lawyer and speaking quickly. Her Father left the stand, his eyes bright
as he walked back to his wife. Cordelia watched him with tears in her
eyes, reaching out unconsciously for Xander's hand. Lacing her fingers
through his she turned to him, seeing the same relief she felt in his
eyes. Smiling tentatively she turned her attention back to the trial.

The defense called Doug to the stand next, gently questioning him about
his drinking and affairs. Doug confessed to them all tearfully, his
voice regretful as he told of the mistakes he had made in his marriage.
The defense then led him through his recollection of the night he was
arrested.

"I came to Sunnydale to try and reconcile with my wife. It had been over
a year since she left me and I had spent that time straightening out my
life. I was no longer drinking or out all the time. I knew from her
parents that she was working on a charity auction so I went there,
thinking that a public venue was a good place to see her for the first
time. She was so cold to me, throwing her love for Alex Harris in my
face, telling me that she had never loved me and that she would never
come back to me. Then she told me she was pregnant.  I am ashamed to
admit that I begged for her forgiveness, pleaded with her to give me
another chance, I even offered to raise the child as mine, but she just
laughed at me. I finally gave up, turning to go when all of a sudden she
pulled me to her, screaming for help. Mr. Harris ran in and attacked me.
Then Miss Summers watched over me until the police arrived."

"Did you at any time hit Ms. Chase?"

"No." Doug replied tearfully. "I still love her. I don't understand why
she's saying all of this."

The defense sat down then, and the prosecutor stood, his face cold as he
walked towards Doug. "Mr. Foster, you have admitted that you were
unfaithful to Ms. Chase on numerous occasions. And also that you
overindulged in alcohol. Why did you think that she would be willing to
take you back?"

"Because I love her." Doug answered, smiling self-consciously.

"I see. And do you still love her?" The prosecutor was friendly as he
spoke.

"Yes."

"That must be hard." The prosecutor commiserated with him. "To love a
woman who loves another man, who has always loved another man." Moving
closer to Doug, he continued speaking. "Having their wife love another
man would enrage some people, cause them to act in ways they wouldn't
naturally. Are you sure this isn't what happened?"

"No." Doug replied, leaning forward in his chair, his self-conscious
smile disappearing as his eyes flashed with anger.

The prosecutor nodded, shrugging his shoulders as he continued. "You've
always lived in luxury haven't you?"

"Yes. I was very fortunate." Doug smiled, the genial personality back.

"And yet you've never worked. How is that?" The prosecutor prodded
gently.

"My Father has set up a very generous trust fund."

"And if not for that trust fund, you would be penniless?"

"Yes."

"So, if your Father had threatened to cut you off, you would have been
very desperate to stop him?"

"He didn't." Doug replied, a thin line of sweat breaking out on his
upper lip.

"I said 'if' he threatened. Hypothetically, if your Father had told you
to remain married to Ms. Chase in order to keep your trust fund, you
would have done anything to get her back. Is that not true?"

"Yes. If he had, but he didn't." Doug spoke rapidly, his face white.

"Thank you Mr. Foster." The prosecutor dismissed him, walking back to
the table smiling confidently at Cordelia. The defense stood and asked a
few more questions, before resting. The judge called a short recess
before final arguments.  Cordelia didn't move from her seat, her fingers
gripping Xander's tightly as she waited.

She felt the movement before she saw her Father, his large frame looming
over her. "I would like to speak to you."

Cordelia nodded, slipping her hand from Xander and following her Father
into the hallway. Clearing his throat her Father began speaking. "I
thought I was doing what was best for you." Cordelia remained silent,
waiting for him to continue. "I will admit that I may have made a
mistake. Maybe Doug did hit you, but Cordelia you have to understand
that he was upset about the divorce. He wasn't thinking straight."

A bitter laugh escaped from her lips as she considered her father.
"Upset? That's reason enough for you?"

"Cordelia." Her Father warned, his expression hardening. "I'm trying to
figure out a solution that will satisfy everyone."

"Doug in jail for a long time is good for me." She shot back, her face
angry.

"You were as responsible for this as Doug was." Her Father replied.

Cordelia stared in shock at her Father, the rage she felt surprising
her. Clenching her fists to her sides she took a deep breath before
speaking. "I will not do this with you. Doug married me for money and he
wanted me back for money and when I refused he killed my child and tried
to kill me."

"Alex Harris's child." Her Father accused her, his expression full of
distaste.

"Yes, Xander's child." Cordelia spat at him, her rage growing. "And my
child. A child I loved and wanted." Her rage lessened as she stared
beseechingly at her Father. "Your grandchild Daddy."

"He's not the right man for you." Her Father answered, his expression
softening slightly.

"And the man who hit me was?"

"Cordelia..." Her Father warned.

"No Dad. That's all I'm going to say." Cordelia spun around and walked
away, not looking where she was going. She ran into a man, and murmuring
an apology tried to move past him. The man blocked her easily and she
looked up to see her ex-husband blocking her path.

"We meet again." Doug said, his smile bright while his eyes shone with
hate. "You've really made a mess of things."

Cordelia continued staring at him in stunned silence, unable to speak or
to move. She had waited for this moment since she knew she was losing
the baby, had spent hours planning what she would say and how she would
destroy him, and know that it was here she felt nothing but fear. Taking
a half-step backward she opened her mouth to try and force something out
when Xander appeared at her side.

"Walk away." Xander spoke quietly to Doug, but the look on his face was
fierce.

"She married me." Doug spat at him, his face losing its mask of
kindness.

"But I loved him." Cordelia answered, finding her voice.

Doug's face hardened, the rage she had seen on the night he attacked her
flowing across his face. "You bitch!"

"Name-calling?" Cordelia smiled sweetly. "What's next? Telling your
Daddy?"

Doug moved then, coming forward towards her, but Xander stopped him
easily, pushing him back until he was backed against the wall. Cordelia
watched them, feeling like she was rooted to the spot. Xander moved back
towards her, his face calm. "Don't do this Cordy. He'll pay for what he
did, it's not up to us to do it."

She crumpled then, letting him support her as they walked back into the
courtroom.  She managed to hold her tears back until she sat down again.
She reached out to grab Xander's hand, not caring about the distance
that was still between them. He held on tightly, pulling her close to
him and letting her cry on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, that was stupid. I
was just so afraid and so angry. I wanted to rip him apart with my bare
hands."

"I know." Xander said soothingly. "So did I. And if he's not found
guilty..." His voice trailed off as he smoothed her hair and let her
cry.

She was just composing herself when the judge began the proceedings
again. The prosecutor standing first to give his closing statement. He
was eloquent as he spoke of the desperation Doug had felt at the thought
of losing his trust fund. He spoke of the empty marriage that Cordelia
had left behind, and the lack of respect Doug had given her. He finished
by speaking of the pain Cordelia had suffered due to the loss of her
child.

The defense lawyer stood then, walking around the room as he painted a
picture of a spoiled rich girl who had married a man to spite her
ex-boyfriend and then had tormented him with the knowledge that she
still loved the other man. He told of a woman who looked beautiful and
poised, but inside was delusion, living in a fantasy world she created.
He pointed to both Xander and Doug, speaking sadly of the two men she
had driven to drink by her actions. Then he had bowed his head, and
spoken in soft terms of a woman unable to deal with the loss of her
baby, be it by her own actions or natural causes, a woman who was
desperate to have someone to blame. He looked at Cordelia as he
finished, saying sadly that she should be pitied for her actions, and an
innocent man set free.

Cordelia sat back as the jury exited the room, her face blank as she
tried to figure out what to do next. Xander leaned in close, whispering
in her ear. "Are you okay?"

Cordelia looked blankly at him for a minute before speaking. "Well, not
according to that guy."

Buffy laughed softly, her arm swinging over Cordelia's shoulder. "As
long as you can make fun of things..."

Cordelia smiled back, feeling strangely calm, as if this was all
happening to someone else. "It's almost over. That's all I care about,
that it's over. Then we can get on with our lives." She felt Xander's
fingers tightening on hers as she spoke. Squeezing back, she tried to
reassure him that she wasn't going anywhere, not for today at least.

They changed the subject then, trying to talk of happier things, like
Buffy's new apartment and the clothes Cordelia had designed for her. The
next few hours passed in a blur, Cordelia refusing to leave the
courtroom in case of a verdict.

It took the jury only a little over three hours to come back. The
courtroom filled quickly as the judge and jury reentered the room, the
judge taking the verdict from the jury and reading it. He passed it back
to the jury with a nod as Doug stood beside his lawyer and the foreman
began to read the verdict.

"Count one: Attempted murder. How do you find?"

"Not guilty."

Cordelia let out a small gasp, her fingers holding onto Xander's hand
tighter.

"Count two: Aggravated assault. How do you find?"

"Guilty."

Cordelia leaned onto Xander's shoulder as a smile crossed her face even
as the tears fell from her eyes. She hadn't failed her child this time,
Doug was going to pay for what he had done. Her smile didn't falter as
the judge passed sentence, giving Doug ten months in jail, to be served
at a minimum security prison. Ten months isn't long enough, she thought
vaguely before being swept into the joyous arms of her friends. Letting
herself be caught up in their celebration she was caught off guard when
her parents appeared in front of her.

"Cordelia Chase, you will come with us." Her Father ordered, not even
glancing at Xander.

"No." Cordelia whispered, her hand unconsciously reaching out for
Xander. He took her hand in his, squeezing gently. She straightened her
shoulders, her tears drying as she took strength from his touch.

"Cordelia." Her Mother pleaded, her eyes teary. "Your Father did what he
thought was best."

"My Father defended the man who hit me." Cordelia spoke without emotion,
her fingers laced tightly with Xander's. "Because they offered him
enough money to betray his daughter."

"I'd hoped you would come to your senses." Her Father said
condescendingly.  His glare spread to encompass Xander. "But I see now
that you haven't."

Cordelia stared down at her hand entwined in Xander's then looked up
into his eyes. She was silent for a minute, all the love he felt for her
shining in his eyes. She smiled as she turned back to her father,
feeling her heart lighten. "Actually, I think I have."

Her father spluttered something, but Cordelia wasn't listening to him.
She was too busy staring at Xander, feeling all the love she had for him
flow through her. Her parents gave up finally, walking away with a final
warning that she was ruining her life. Once they were out of earshot she
spoke again. "So, you mentioned something about wanting another chance.
Still want it?"

"Yes." Xander replied quickly, a smile spreading across his face.

"We have a lot to work through." Cordelia warned, trying to keep her
face blank.

"I know." Xander nodded, his smile fading slightly. "We can do it."

Cordelia smiled then, letting everything that happened in the past fade
away as she stepped closer to him, her arms wrapping around his
shoulders. He grabbed her, holding on tightly as she lifted her face to
his. Their lips met slowly, the kiss gentle, holding more promise than
passion. She broke away from him, her face glowing as the rest of the
gang swirled around them, their faces happy.

"Finally." Buffy smiled as she looked at the two of them. "It's about
time."

Cordelia grinned at her, leaning her head on Xander's shoulder as they
walked out of the courtroom. She paused on the steps of the courthouse,
her smile bright as she looked at the people surrounding her and the man
at her side, knowing that she was finally home.
******

Just the epilogue left. :)

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