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buffyfic-digest       Saturday, January 16 1999       Volume 03 : Number 021



In this issue:

       BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (8a/18)
       BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (8b/18)
       BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (10/18)

See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic
or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues.

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Date: Fri, 15 Jan 1999 09:05:42 PST
From: "Andrea Newbery" <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (8a/18)

Title: Best Intentions
Author: Andrea
e-mail: [e-mail]
disclaimer: These characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant
Enemy, the WB, etc. They are not mine.
spoilers: Everything up to the end of season two.
distribution: Sure, just let me know.
summary: Xander/Cordelia. This fic is set in the same timeline as
Christine's amazing story, 'The Wildest Times in the World' although
technically this story takes place before that one. If you haven't read
it, e-mail me and I'll send it to you.
Feedback: Please. Good, bad, anything.
Thanks to Christine, for writing the story that started this, and for
helping me when I got stuck and for thinking up the title. And there's
still more I could thank you for. :)





July 17, 2006

Xander watched her walk away; her head held high, her shoulders
straight. He felt a curious lump in his throat. She was back, finally,
after all this time. And even though he knew she was lying he had wanted
to believe her. Even though he knew she was a self-absorbed bitch who
didn't even understand the meaning of the word love he wanted to chase
after her and beg her to forgive him. He sat heavily down in a chair,
his hands covering his face.

He didn't notice when Willow entered the library and sat down in the
chair across from him. She cleared her throat quietly, letting him now
that she was there. He looked up into the understanding face of his best
friend. "She was here."

Willow nodded as she reached out and patted his arm. "I saw her car
outside. She looked pretty upset."

Xander sat back in his chair and rubbed his hands across his eyes. "Her
plan didn't work. She played the damsel in distress to perfection, but I
told her I knew what she was up to."

"Good." Willow looked at him, her face worried. "You've got to let this
go Xander. Move on. Cordelia left you over five years ago and you're
still not over it. Buffy's doing better than you."

"Buffy's doing better because she knows he loved her. Hell I know he
loved her and I can't stand the guy." Xander slammed his hand down on
the table. "Why couldn't I have someone who loved me as much as they
loved each other?" He stood quickly, walking over to the weapons cage.
"Except who isn't a monster."

"Xander." Willow's voice held a note of warning.

"I know, I know. But I never liked him." Xander busied himself playing
with the weapons that were not yet put away.

"You will have someone that loves you that much Xander. I'm sure of it."
Willow got up from her chair and walked over to him, carefully taking
the crossbow from his hands and locking it up.

Xander smiled at his friend before walking away from the weapons cage.
He didn't look at her as he began speaking again. "I had this dream
about Cordelia and I can't seem to stop thinking about it."  Picking up
a book he feigned interest in it until Willow came around to stand in
front of him. Knowing she would wait all night for him to finish he
began speaking again. "I dreamt that she came to me on the beach and
told me that she never wanted to leave me. And..and then we made love."
Xander dropped his head, his face turning red as he suddenly threw the
book he was holding. His paced around the library as he continued
talking, his voice angry.  "I can't stop thinking about it. It was so
real, so vivid. I keep having these flashes of her, she's crying or
she's holding me, or we're making love. It's driving me crazy, but I
can't get it to go away."

"Xander..." Willow's voice trailed off as she looked sympathetically at
him. Squaring her shoulders she spoke softly. "What if she's not lying?
What if she really has changed, realized that she made a mistake? I
mean, Xander, none of us has a perfect track record. Maybe she got
scared?"

"Willow she wasn't scared. She was a bitch. She walked away from all of
us without ever looking back." Xander glared at Willow before stalking
out of the library.

*******

______________________________________________________
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------------------------------

Date: Fri, 15 Jan 1999 09:06:27 PST
From: "Andrea Newbery" <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (8b/18)

Title: Best Intentions
disclaimers in part 8a.


********
Cordelia sat in her car for hours, sobbing until she had no tears left.
The only thought left in her head was anger at the unfairness of it all.
How dare he sit on his high horse and judge her? He had failed her too.
He was the one kissing another girl in the graveyard. She vowed to
herself that these were the last tears she was ever going to cry for
him.

She drove home blindly, and walked into her empty apartment. Sitting
down at her kitchen table she dropped her head into her hands. Xander's
words had shown her something she had tried not to face. His touch had
proven his words. That had held none of the pain she had seen at the
beach, none of the love she had felt in his arms. The sober Xander
detested her more than she had imagined. He hadn't doubted her act, not
even for a moment. When she had insulted him, he had thought that was
the real Cordelia. Slamming her fists down on the table she pushed her
chair back. Standing she began pacing around the room, her anger pushing
the unbearable pain down so low she could barely feel it.

She walked through the weeks leading up to the auction in a daze, barely
noticing the world around her. The nausea and the dizziness that seemed
to plague her constantly she ignored until she passed out in the grocery
store one day and woke up in the emergency room at Sunnydale General.
She had tried to sit up, but a wave of nausea forced her to lay back
down. She heard a rustling beside her bed and turned to see Willow
sitting quietly in a chair.

The redhead looked up from her magazine and spoke quietly. "I saw you
pass out. I..I don't think anyone should wake up in a hospital all
alone."

Cordelia stared at Willow; her thoughts still confused as she noticed
the air of self-confidence Willow now possessed. Licking her lips she
whispered her thanks before closing her eyes again. She lay there,
comforted by the rustle of the paper as Willow read her magazine. When
she felt stronger she spoke to Willow again, her voice soft. "You don't
have to stay. I'm awake now, and I know how you feel about me."

"Do you?" Willow spoke calmly, placing the magazine in her lap as she
considered Cordelia.

"You hate me." Cordelia whispered.

 Willow nodded her head slightly. "You hurt Xander. He almost died when
you left."

"And you think I was okay?" Cordelia stared at the ceiling, knowing
there was no way to change the actions she had taken. No matter why she
had done it, she had still done it and the result had been horrible. But
she was also finished pretending that she was something or someone she
wasn't. Almost whispering she spoke. "I loved him with everything I was.
Do you think it was easy to leave?"

"You did." Willow's voice was still calm.

Cordelia nodded her head once. "You're right. I did. But he never
followed me. Never tried to find out why I left."

Willow stared at her like she was crazy. "You were so cold to him. Why
should he have? You made it perfectly clear to all of us that we meant
nothing to you."

Cordelia almost laughed, choking it down at the last minute. Afraid if
she started she may just keep laughing until they came with the little
white jacket. Her voice was brittle when she spoke again. "And how did I
do that? By never asking you what was wrong when you started acting
strange? By just assuming that the only reason someone could be bitchy
is because they were a bitch? By ignoring someone's actions over a
period of two years in favor of how they act for two weeks?" Cordelia
stopped speaking suddenly, the tears to close for her to be able to keep
talking.

Willow's voice was louder now.  "Are you trying to say that we failed
you?"

Cordelia covered her face in her hands, trying to give herself a moment
before she answered. Uncovering her face she spoke to the ceiling. "No.
I failed. I know that now." Her breath caught on a sob as she turned to
look at Willow, her eyes wild. "It was my fault. I thought I was doing
the best thing for everyone, but it wasn't. I thought I would make Buffy
happy, Xander happy, everyone happy. And no one would feel guilty,
because I was just shallow, self-absorbed Cordelia." Not wanting to face
Willow's questioning look she continued, talking more to herself than to
Willow. "It half worked, everyone thinks I'm a bitch."

Willow was glaring at her, her expression furious. "The best thing? You
thought losing you would be the best thing for Xander?"

Cordelia took in Willow's angry expression and decided she had finally
had enough. Her eyes dull, she stared at Willow. "Yes. I thought that
would be the best thing. I, Cordelia, tried to be self-sacrificing and
all I got for my trouble was a lifetime of loneliness. And the added
bonus of ruining Xander's life. I won't ever make that mistake again."

Willow laughed then, her voice mocking. "Self-sacrificing? You?"

"Yes,  me." Cordelia's voice was empty of any emotion. "How dare you
even presume to know me or what I would do? I fought beside you for over
three years, was your friend for over two. I proved myself to you. I
trusted you. I even, and this is the really funny part, I loved you. But
you never felt the same, none of you did. You were all waiting for the
old Cordelia to reappear. All of you, even Xander!"

"That's not true." Willow spoke angrily.

"Not true? Did you believe I loved Xander? Before I changed?" Cordelia
fired the questions at her.

"Yes." Willow spat the word out, her face cold.

"Did you believe I was your friend?"

"Yes."

Cordelia smiled then, but it didn't reach her eyes. "Then why didn't you
ask me if anything was wrong? Why did you let me push you away? It was
so easy for you to do." She paused, struggling to keep the hurt out of
her face. "You've done it for Buffy, for Xander, Oz, Giles, even Angel.
But you never asked me, never cared enough to ask."

"I'll ask now then. Did you have a reason?" Willow spoke carefully, as
if the answer was something she didn't want to hear.

"Yes. And it was a stupid reason, and it means nothing now." Cordelia
felt all her anger leaving her as she realized how futile this
discussion was. She had lost Xander because of her actions, and whether
or not Willow had cared for her once didn't really matter anymore. She
felt the tears slip down her face, but she didn't care. Smiling sadly at
Willow she spoke. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I came back here. I
thought...I thought I...I don't know what I was thinking. I just...I
never thought I would hurt him Willow. I swear I didn't. I thought he
would be happy without me."

"Why? Didn't you know how much he loved you?" Willow's voice was cold as
she considered her.

"Yes. I did. But I also knew how much he had once loved Buffy, and she
was so alone, and so sad. I thought if I was out of the picture they
would be happy together. But they weren't, so I lost everything for
nothing." Cordelia cursed herself for the broken sound of her voice. She
wasn't supposed to cry about this anymore. It was done, over; she should
just turn and walk away.

"Why would you get jealous of Buffy then? Xander hadn't been in love
with her for years." Willow spoke softly, her expression slightly less
cold.

"It doesn't matter now Willow." Cordelia felt a weight lift off her
shoulders as she spoke the words. She stared at Willow, seeing the past
much clearer now. "What I thought or felt, or even saw means nothing."

"How can you say that? Xander loved you." Willow was almost screaming
now. "You owe him some explanation of why you left him. Even if it is as
stupid as being jealous of Buffy."

Cordelia nodded at Willows words, her heart still aching at the pain she
had caused him, and the pain she had felt seeing him again. "So you tell
him. Maybe then he'll understand, and stop putting all the blame on me."

"Tell him what?" Willow took a deep breath before continuing in a calmer
voice. "What happened Cordy? What made you think he still loved Buffy?
Why?"

Cordelia stared at Willow; shocked to hear Willow calling her by the
nickname they had used when they were friends. She was silent, feeling
hopeful that maybe they could find a way to be friends once again. That
they could forgive her for leaving, if they knew that she had thought
she was doing the right thing.
She opened her mouth to finally tell someone the secret she had been
carrying for so long when the doctor walked back into the room. She
stared at him, worried suddenly that there was something really wrong
with her. Holding her breath she waited for him to speak.

"Well Ms. Chase, it looks like congratulations are in order." The doctor
smiled at her as he spoke. "You're pregnant."

Cordelia stared at him in horror, her mind flashing back to the night
she had spent with Xander on the beach. She let out a small gasp, her
hand reaching down to cover her stomach. Forgetting that Willow was in
the room, or that her life was a mess she touched her stomach, amazed
that she was being given a piece of Xander to keep with her forever.

The doctor wrote her a prescription for vitamins and told her to take it
easy for the next few days before telling her she could go home.  She
turned then to see Willow sitting with a shocked expression on her face.

The redhead slowly picked up her magazine and purse and stood. "I'll
wait outside while you get dressed. I can drive you home."

Cordelia looked at her in surprise, before speaking. 'Willow..."

"Don't." Willow held up her hand to stop her from speaking. "I don't
want to hear your explanations. I can't believe I almost thought that
you really did love Xander, that you still loved Xander. I'm sure you
and the father will be very happy."

Cordelia watched Willow walk from the room before whispering softly,
"No. We won't."
*******

The drive home was silent as Cordelia stared out of the window, trying
not to think of what lay ahead of her.  She shifted uncomfortably in the
seat, desperate to be alone and to be able to think. Her hand reached
down to touch her stomach, holding her hand over it as if she could
protect the baby from all the mistakes its mother had made. Her eyes
filled with tears as she thought of her child growing up without ever
knowing its father. She toyed with the thought of telling Xander for a
moment before realizing he would never believe the child was his. And
what could she say to him, that she found him drunk on the beach and
took advantage of him? Even if he believed her, he would never want to
be her baby's father. Sighing she leaned her head back against the seat
wishing Willow would drive faster.

She kept her eyes closed until she felt the car slow and finally stop.
Her hand on the door handle she turned back to Willow, wondering if the
red-head was going to say anything at all to her, but Willow's eyes
stared straight ahead, her face a blank mask. Cordelia slid her legs out
of the car, carefully getting to her feet. Her hand still on the door
she turned back to Willow. "Thank you. For driving me home and for not
letting me go to the hospital alone."

She stood straight, preparing to shut the door when Willow spoke. "Why
did you move back here?"

Cordelia froze, her stomach tightening. "I don't know. Because it was
home, because the best times in my life were here. Maybe because I
thought I could apologize enough, could make you guys understand that I
did love all of you." Cordelia swallowed, the sun shining down on her
forcing her to squint to see Willow. When the other girl said nothing
Cordelia continued. "When I got your letter, well, that was when I
realized how wrong I had been, how misguided. I wish there was some way
I could make you understand that the reason I left had nothing to do
with how I felt about all of you. Especially Xander. I loved him then,
and I'll always love him."

"You love him so much that you're barely divorced and already pregnant.
What, did you give Xander a few months to forgive you and then moved
on?" Willow stared out the window as she spoke, refusing to meet
Cordelia's eyes. "How could you do this Cordelia? Xander was getting
better. He was happy again, finally moving on and then you came back.
And now you want him to watch you have a baby?"

"No." Cordelia choked out, her eyes filling with tears. "I didn't mean
to do anything to Xander. I meant to make it better."

"Whose baby is it Cordelia?" Willow spoke coldly.

Cordelia stood silently for a moment, her thoughts spinning wildly,
knowing the truth was out of the question. She stumbled over the words,
trying to find the answer that would hurt Xander the least. "It's...it's
Doug's,  my ex-husbands. Call it the modern way to celebrate your
divorce."

Willow turned to her then, her eyes shiny with tears. "Cordelia, please
leave town. Don't do this to him."

Cordelia stepped back from the car, reality crashing down on her. Willow
was right, she couldn't stay here, couldn't do it to Xander or to her
child. "I'll leave before anyone can tell I'm pregnant Willow. I
promise." She pushed the car door shut and walked away from the car with
her head high and tears streaming down her cheeks.

Letting herself into her apartment, she dropped the keys onto the floor
and sunk down beside them, sobbing brokenly for the father her baby
would never know. Holding her stomach she apologized to the new life
growing there for the mistakes she had made.

*******

Xander was sitting in the library when Willow walked in, her face pale
and sad. He sat up a little straighter in his chair expecting her to
tell him that there was yet another apocalypse headed their way. Instead
she threw herself into a chair, sighing loudly. Xander sat back, sure
now that whatever was upsetting her wasn't catastrophic.  He smiled
openly at her, "Where's my sunny Willow?"

Willow half-smiled at him, obviously struggling to put her dark thoughts
aside. "How are you Xander?"

Xander looked at her worried face and realized that it was because of
him. "I'm good Will. Better than good. No drinking if that's what you're
asking. I'm working on a new book, this one's about this crazy vampire
who crashes parent-teacher night. Sound familiar?"

Willow grinned at him. "Our old buddy Spike. That should be a good one.
Can't wait to read your take on the night."

"What?" Xander grinned back at her, his face innocent, "You mean how our
fearless hero set himself up as an offering to Spike and was nearly
killed, but managed to outsmart him?"

Willow laughed, "I thought Angel set that up, and saved you. And isn't
Buffy the heroine?"

Xander laughed with her, remembering that night and amazed that they
could laugh about it. "It's funny isn't it Will? I mean we've faced
death so many times and we can still laugh about it." He leaned back in
his chair, remembering when fighting with Buffy had seemed like an
adventure.

Willow sat quietly for a while, then clearing her throat and staring at
the table she questioned him. "What about Cordelia? How are you doing on
that front?"

Xander felt his stomach drop, but quickly recovered. "Better. If I could
just stop having flashes of that dream..." His voice trailed off,
leaving the sentence unfinished.

Willow considered him carefully before speaking again. "It must have
been some dream."

"I was drunk that night Will. After you told me she was back I got
drunk." Xander stared at Willow, waiting for her to yell at him, or
worse, pity him.

Willow smiled knowingly before replying, her voice soft. "But you
haven't had a drink since that night."

Xander started to answer her, but realized it wasn't a question. He
nodded quickly before speaking again. "I can't get it out of my head."

"Do you want to tell me about it?" Willow queried.

Xander looked at his best friend, trying to decide how much he should
share. He was silent for a minute before deciding he had to talk about
it with someone before it drove him crazy. "I could feel her next to me,
even smell her. She looked so sad and alone as she told me that she had
never wanted to leave. Then I have this picture of my head in her lap
and her stroking my hair. And then I can feel her lips on mine, and her
body next to me." Xander stood abruptly, knocking his chair over. He
started pacing around the library, the words falling out of him. "It
seems so real Willow, even now. Like it's a memory and not a dream. I
mean I was drunk that night, and probably hallucinating, but when I woke
on the beach that morning I wasn't even wearing clothes." He turned to
Willow, expecting to see pity on her face, but she just smiled softly at
him. He walked over to the chair, pulling it upright and sitting down
again. "That's why I decided drinking is no longer for me. I was
drinking to escape the memories, not make new ones."

Willow nodded her head, then she pushed her chair back and stood up.
Walking over to him she wrapped her arms around him and held him close.
"I'm sorry Xander. I wish that it had turned out all right for you and
Cordy, that she had been who we thought she was. But I think that you
need to move on. Forget the dream." She pulled away from him and walked
slowly back to her chair, her eyes still showing her worry.

"I am moving on Will. I've even got a date for the Charity Auction.
Proud of me?" Xander smiled at her as he spoke, his voice teasing.

"For the Charity Auction? Won't Cordelia be there?" Willow spoke
quickly, her voice rising as she looked at him.

"Isn't that a plus? I mean, she seems to think she can come back and say
she's sorry about everything. I just want to show her that I'm fine
without her." Xander's voice was defensive as he watched Willow
carefully.

The red-head looked undecided for a moment before nodding her head. "I
guess it's for the best. Now I really have to get some work done. I was
delayed this morning."

Xander took his cue and stood up. "Okay, got the hint. I'm leaving."

He turned to look at her when he got to the door. She was just sitting
there, her head in her hands, looking like the weight of the world had
just dropped onto her shoulders. He stared at her for another moment,
suddenly sure that all of the worry on her face wasn't directed at him,
but before he could decide whether or not to try and talk to her about
it she got up from the table and walked slowly to the stacks.
*********


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------------------------------

Date: Sat, 16 Jan 1999 17:10:31 PST
From: "Andrea Newbery" <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (10/18)

August 3, 2006

Willow stared down at the man on the floor after Cordelia left the room,
her thoughts jumbled. She couldn't believe Cordelia had married this
monster, or that she had lied about him being the father. Willow had
known when Cordelia had claimed the baby was his that she wasn't being
honest, but it had been easier to believe than anything else she could
think of. Turning she looked at Buffy, knowing she had to do something.
Hearing the police heading down the hallway she whispered to Buffy,
"Don't tell Xander what he said."

Buffy looked surprised at that, but nodded her head quickly as the
police entered the room with Xander nowhere in sight. Willow rapidly
filled the police in on what she had seen and who the man was. She told
them that Cordelia had been so afraid that she had run. After promising
to find Cordelia and bring her down to the station to give a statement
they watched as the police took Doug away.  Willow stood looking at the
floor until Buffy spoke. "Kay, what exactly is going on?"

Willow looked at her best friend, her eyes full of tears. "I'm not sure,
but I think it's long past time we found out."

Buffy looked sad for a moment before she walked towards the door. "So,
the library?"

"The library." Willow agreed as they headed out of the room.

Willow went immediately to the computer as soon as she entered the room,
quickly logging on and beginning her task. Buffy wandered around the
library and Willow could almost hear the wheels turning in her head.
Finally the Slayer walked over to her and looked over her shoulder.

"Hospital records? Cordelia's records? What exactly are you thinking?"
Buffy inquired.

"I'm thinking that I'm so not underage anymore and if I ever get caught
you're going to have to perform your first jailbreak." Willow attempted
to joke as her eyes skimmed quickly over the file.  Finding the
information she was looking for she sat back in her chair, the truth
finally sinking in. "Oh God. What did she do?"

"Who? Cordelia? Why do I feel that I'm totally out of this loop?" Buffy
leaned in closer to the computer screen, trying to figure out what
Willow had found. "So she's pregnant, we already knew that. Her crazy
ex-husband told us, remember?"

"I think it's Xander's baby." Willow spoke quietly.

"Okay, now I know I'm out of the loop."  Buffy said, walking over to a
table and sitting down. "I think it's time for us to have a little talk
about Cordelia and what exactly you think is going on. Last time I
checked Cordelia and Xander weren't exactly on speaking terms, let
alone...well, making babies."

Willow slowly shut down the computer and walked over to sit across from
her best friend. "I think we were wrong about Cordelia."

"I got that part." Buffy said, her face sad again. "But I still don't
get why she left if she loved him so much. And why you think this baby
is Xander's."

Willow rubbed her forehead, trying to process all the information she
knew. "Xander told me about this dream that's been haunting him. It was
about him and Cordelia being together. He was really drunk, but he says
that it felt so real. And I think maybe it was. The timing is right; the
date of conception was the exact day Xander had the dream. I don't think
that's a coincidence."

"Oh God." Buffy whispered; her face pale. "So you think Cordelia was on
the beach that night?"

"I do." Willow said quietly. "She still loves him, she would never have
left him alone on the beach drunk."

"She really does still love him." Buffy pounded her hands down on the
table, suddenly angry. "So why did she do it? Why did she leave him?"

"I don't know." Willow said, "I was with her when she found out she was
pregnant. She fainted and I went with her in the ambulance. When she
woke up we talked. She said she had always loved him, but I didn't
believe her." Willow spoke sadly, her expression full of guilt. "She
asked me why we never tried to find out why she was acting so mean. She
wanted to know why we all just assumed the worst of her so easily. Why
did we do that Buffy?"

"Because she used to be so mean to us." Buffy spoke softly, her tone
unsure.

"That's what she said too. That the two years we were true friends meant
nothing to us, because we had just been waiting for her to change back."
Willow was crying silently now, the tears streaming down her face.

"But even if we did that, if we were wrong to let her leave so easily
that still doesn't explain why she left in the first place."

"She said she thought Xander would be happy without her. And you Buffy.
She said she thought you and Xander would be happy. I don't know why she
thought that, but she said she wanted to make it easy for you two to be
together and that if she was a bitch then you wouldn't feel guilty."
Willow stared at Buffy, her face confused.

The Slayer stared at the table for a long moment, her face going pale.
She slowly lifted her eyes to Willow, her face full of guilt. "Oh God
Willow."

Willow watched the emotions that ran across Buffy's face and her stomach
sank as she began to believe that their failure of Cordelia had been
much more than just not asking her what was wrong. She spoke softly to
the Slayer. "Buffy?"

Buffy began to speak quietly, almost to herself. "I was so lonely and
missing Angel and Xander was comforting me." She paused, her eyes filled
with tears. "And I kissed him, only for a second before he pushed me
away. I didn't do it to hurt Cordelia, I was just so sad. I never
dreamed that she knew, but she must have seen us. It happened just
before she changed, but I never dreamed, never thought... I mean she was
waiting for us outside the cemetery, she seemed fine. Why didn't she say
something?"

"I don't know." Willow spoke loudly, her hands slamming into the table
in front of Buffy. "Why didn't you ever tell me? Why didn't you suspect
that she knew something? Why didn't Xander?"

"I don't know." Buffy's voice was slightly hysterical. "I felt so guilty
after I did that, I just blocked it out of my mind." Looking at Willow
she pleaded with her to understand. "I never thought she would do what
she did. If she knew, I thought she would have come after both me and
Xander, ready to kill us."

Willow nodded her head, suddenly almost too tired to continue the
conversation. "Cause Cordelia would never do anything unselfish. Even
after everything that we had been through, we still didn't believe she
really cared about us."

"And I didn't feel as guilty because she was being such a bitch. I
didn't even consider that she knew." Buffy whispered; her face full of
shame.

Willow reached across the table and grabbed Buffy's hand. "We have to
find Xander. He has to know why she left and that she has always loved
him."

Buffy nodded her head, one tear sliding down her cheek. "And that she's
having his baby." Buffy smiled sadly before speaking. "Xander and
Cordelia having a baby. It seems strange."

"What?"

Buffy and Willow spun around, shocked to see Xander in the doorway of
the library. They jumped up from the table, each trying to figure out
what to say to him, how to explain it to him. Willow spoke first, her
voice calm. "Xander, we need to talk. Come and sit down."

Xander glared at her, his body tense. "Why would you think Cordelia was
having my baby?"

Willow walked closer to him, trying to calm him with her presence. Buffy
hung back, the guilt she felt over kissing him fresh in her mind again.
Xander backed further away from Willow, standing almost outside of the
library, his eyes moving from one to the other. Willow cleared her
throat and whispered softly to him, "Xander, the dream. It was real."

Xander stared at Willow in disbelief, his mouth hanging open. Then the
anger filled his eyes again. "That bitch."

"No." Buffy and Willow spoke in unison. Willow glanced at Buffy before
speaking again. "She loves you Xander. She has always loved you. It was
just a horrible mistake. We all made a horrible mistake."

Xander looked at them like they were crazy before turning around and
walking away. Buffy and Willow stood there, both of them frozen with
indecision. Willow moved first, her eyes meeting Buffy's. "He'll be
back, he just needs to process what he heard."

Buffy nodded; her face unsure. "So should we try and find Cordelia?"

Willow sat down slowly at the computer, her shoulders slumping. "I'll
look up her address."
********


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