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buffyfic-digest       Tuesday, January 12 1999       Volume 03 : Number 013



In this issue:

       BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (2/18)
       BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (3/18)

See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic
or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues.

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Date: Tue, 12 Jan 1999 17:50:12 PST
From: "Andrea Newbery" <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (2/18)

Title: Best Intentions
Author: Andrea
e-mail: [e-mail]
disclaimer: These characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant
Enemy, the WB, etc. They are not mine.
spoilers: Everything up to the end of season two.
distribution: Sure, just let me know.
rating: Not sure. I'll say PG-13 for now.
summary: Xander/Cordelia. This fic is set in the same timeline as
ChristineÆs amazing story, æThe Wildest Times in the WorldÆ although
technically this story takes place before that one. If you havenÆt read
it, e-mail me and IÆll send it to you although you can read this story
even if you havenÆt read hers.
Feedback: Please. Good, bad, anything.
Thanks to Christine, for writing the story that started this, and for
helping me when I got stuck and for thinking up the title. Wow, and
thereÆs still more I could thank you for. :)


Sunnydale High School Prom
May 28, 1999

"Cordy...wow. I mean wow." Xander repeated himself for the fiftieth time
since he had first seen her at the door. Slipping his arm over her
shoulder he pulled her closer to him and for a short moment Cordelia
could swear that everyone else disappeared. Laying her head on his
shoulder as he kissed her forehead she had no doubts that she had made
the right choice when she had given up everything to be with him.
Smiling to herself she realized that she had gotten so much more than
Xander in return. She had real friends, who, although they had a shaky
start, actually liked her for her.  She stole a glance at Willow who was
gazing adoringly at Oz, and then her eyes were dragged, almost
unwillingly to Buffy. It was still hard sometimes to forget how much
Xander had once loved the beautiful Slayer, hard for her to believe him
when he said that he was no longer in love with her. Cordelia stared at
her friend, noticing the tightness in Buffy's jawline, the slight
darkness under her eyes that no amount of make-up could hide. Mostly she
noticed the pain that hid just under the surface of every expression on
Buffy's face.  Looking away from Buffy, she lifted her head to kiss
Xander's neck, thankful that no one would ever ask her to give him up.
She still marveled at Buffy's strength, to send Angel away for Giles.
She closed her eyes, offering up a silent prayer that Buffy would find
someone who could help her through the pain the Slayer was still
struggling with.

"Well Cordelia, you seem very cozy with your freak friends."

"Harmony. You look....cheap." Xander tossed back, without moving his arm
from around Cordelia.

"Excuse me, but I was talking to Cordelia." Harmony spoke coldly; her
eyes fastened on Cordelia's face.

"What do you want?" Cordelia's voice was guarded. She had taught Harmony
every trick of belittling she had ever known, and Harmony was very good
at practicing on her former mentor.

"I just wanted to suggest...to spare you the embarrassment...that maybe
you should take your name out of the running for prom queen." Harmony
had the grace to look slightly uncomfortable while speaking, but behind
her discomfort Cordelia could also see her enjoyment at causing pain.

Relieved, Cordelia smiled broadly at her, thankful once again for the
escape she had made from being exactly like Harmony. "I'll take my
chances."  Turning her face away from Harmony she began talking with
Willow and Buffy, dismissing Harmony. Her once friend had stood there
for a moment, and Cordelia could feel the anger radiating from her.
Cordelia let a small bit of satisfaction run through her, what good was
having all the skills of a bitch if you never used them. Harmony should
have remembered who taught her to be the bitch she was now.  A tiny
light shone in her eyes for a moment as Harmony stalked away, her head
flung high into the air.

"Why do you want to be prom queen anyway Cordelia?" Willow's voice held
no judgment, only curiosity as she leaned against Oz.

Cordelia looked at her, surprised at the question, and even more
surprised that she couldn't think of an answer. She had just dreamed of
being prom queen for so long that she had never stopped to think of why
she had wanted it in the first place. Leaning closer to Xander, a
puzzled expression on her face, she thought back to the first time she
had ever heard of the prom queen. She had been six years old and looking
through photo albums with her mother. They had come to a picture,
obviously formally done, of her mother and father at their prom, the
crowns shining on their heads. They had looked so wonderful to Cordelia
and she had pestered her mother about the crowns until her mother had
spun the whole night into a wonderful fairy tale for her. Her mother had
told her it was one of the happiest nights of her life, dancing with the
man she would later marry. Cordelia had dreamt of it ever since, knowing
that on the night of the prom she would be crowned queen and her future
husband would rule beside her. She grinned, feeling silly over her
fantasy now, but unable to stop wanting to stand on the stage with
Xander by her side. Almost as if she could be crowned with him, then
they would be protected from the danger of their life, and get to be
together forever.

Noticing that Willow was still waiting patiently for an answer, and that
the rest of the table had become silent, Cordelia chuckled softly before
speaking. " I don't. Not like you think. I mean..." Cordelia broke off,
staring at the people who had become so important to her. Gripping
Xander's hand tightly she continued speaking. "I mean, after I fell for
the geek here." Cordelia grinned at Xander, removing any sting from her
words. "Nothing that was important to me before means much anymore."

At Buffy's mocking grin Cordelia flushed then smiled knowingly. "Well, I
do still think important to look your best.  And I'll never be able to
say that I adore Xander's taste in clothes, but he's got other assets
that more than make up for his horrible fashion choices."

"I protest your unfairness. Look at me, I'm perfect." Xander said, his
hands running over his tuxedo.

Cordelia took a moment to look at him, enjoying how good he looked. "For
tonight, I'll have to agree. But to get back to Willow's question. I'm
still in the running cause it makes Harmony mad."

Xander grinned as he kissed her forehead. "That's my girlfriend, mean,
mean, mean."

"I don't know." Buffy spoke thoughtfully; her sad eyes fastened on
Cordelia. "She's got way more heart than I ever dreamed of."

Cordelia smiled quickly at Buffy before ducking her head so that the
Slayer wouldn't see the tears in her eyes. Of course Buffy wouldn't
believe the easy answer, she had seen too much in her short life to ever
take anything at face value. Cordelia looked up into Buffy's eyes again;
knowing the other girl wouldn't push for the truth. The look in Buffy's
eyes still made her stomach feel hollow. The pain Buffy couldn't erase
even when she was trying with everything she had to seem happy.

Cordelia wondered if she would ever look at Buffy again without being
reminded of the night a soaking wet Buffy had shown up outside the
window of her car after she had said her good-byes to Angel. The sobbing
wreck who had sat shaking in the back of her car as Cordelia had driven
Xander home before he let any of his venom towards Angel show. Then she
had quickly called Willow, stopping to pick the Hacker up before taking
Buffy to her house. They had let Buffy talk all night, letting her mourn
for the man she loved. The man she had given up for her Watcher. The
three of them had bonded that night while sharing the Slayer's pain and
saying farewell to the vampire who had been their friend. It was that
night that Cordelia had finally accepted that she would never again be
able to be the shallow person she once was.

Shaking her head Cordelia pulled herself from her thoughts, Buffy was
going to be okay, and Willow had received an e-mail from Angel telling
her that he was doing fine.  They would both do fine, she told herself,
shuddering at the thought of losing Xander.

She jumped when everyone at the table started clapping wildly. Xander
was pulling her to his feet, a huge grin on his face. She looked at him,
her expression perplexed, as he pulled her to him and kissed her.
Pulling away she looked around the room, her eyes stopping when they
connected with Buffy's. The Slayer grinned at her, looking almost truly
happy. "You won Cordy. Chalk one up for the freaks of the world."

Shocked into silence, Cordelia had let Xander pull her to the stage,
barely noticing Harmony seething as she walked by.  She didn't say a
word as the crown was placed on her head, and Xander made a goofy speech
that made everyone laugh. Then he led her to the dance floor and for
once in his life Xander Harris passed over his patented Xander dance in
favor of a slow waltz, holding her tightly to his chest. Cordelia leaned
against him, surprised at the relief she felt. Things would be okay; she
felt that now with a certainty that had always evaded her in the past.
She danced the night away, wrapped in Xander's arms, so sure that things
were exactly as they were meant to be.
*************
May 28, 2005

Cordelia drifted off to sleep, her arms wrapped around herself as
memories of dancing in Xander's arms soothed her.

She woke abruptly a few hours later, the hardwood floor cold against her
cheek. She pulled herself to a sitting position, leaning back against
the wall as she tried to figure out how the certainty of that night had
faded. How she had let the love of her life go, no, how she had pushed
the love of her life away.

Standing up she walked through the connecting door leading into her
bedroom. She walked in quietly, not surprised to find it empty. She
would have been shocked if her husband was even sure which room she
slept in.  Trying to remember the last time her husband had touched her
at all, she slowly lay down on her bed, staring up at the ceiling.
Letting her mind drift back again, to the night of the prom.
************
Room 115
May 28, 1999

"Are you sure?" Xander said, staring intently at the floor as they sat,
not touching on the edge of the bed.

"Totally. You?" Cordelia could hear the slight quiver in her voice as
she answered him.

"I've been sure since...well...for a long time." Xander broke off, his
eyes wandering around the room. "It's not exactly the Sunnydale Inn."

Cordelia checked out the room, a slight smile on her face. "A Motel Six
seems perfect somehow. I mean, it is you Xander."

"You wound me with your words." Xander spoke mockingly, as he fell
backwards onto the bed; his hands holding an imaginary hole in his
chest.

Cordelia shook her head in amused tolerance before laying down beside
him, her stomach wrapped in knots. "This is nice." Cordelia whispered as
she snuggled closer to Xander.  They curled up together, neither willing
to make the first move.

"Nice? I'm freezing here." Xander spoke against her neck sending chills
down Cordelia'a spine. A soft laugh escaping her she pulled the blanket
from the bottom of the bed up and pulled it and his arms tighter around
her.

"But we are alone." Cordelia whispered, her lips trembling.

Xander nuzzled his chin into her neck for a moment before mumbling his
agreement. Then slowly he began kissing her neck and tickling her with
the stubble on his face. With a helpless giggle Cordelia fell back into
him, turning over in her struggle to escape. Suddenly Xander was leaning
over her, his face contorted into a caricature of himself, "Mee Luv, how
can a poor simple farm boy argue weeth such a wise and sopheesticated
lady such as yourself?"

Cordelia looked up into the dark eyes of her boyfriend and felt herself
drowning, "You shouldn't." Her voice was breathless, the longing in her
stomach that seemed to grow every time she was with him stealing her
ability to breathe.

 Xander took in her flushed cheeks and clouded eyes, and with a
proprietary grin he leaned in and claimed her mouth. Pulling back
slightly Xander stared down at her, his eyes filled with more than
desire. "I love you."

Cordelia stared back at him, her heart pounding in anticipation. "I love
you." Her hand reached up to caress his face, amazed that she could feel
this way.

Xander kissed her then, the passion in it taking her breath away.  His
hands slowly pulling the straps of her dress down. Cordelia shivered as
his fingers brushed her chest, a slight gasp escaping her lips. She
slipped away from him and moving to stand in front of him, she unzipped
her dress and let it fall to the floor. She grinned at him, feeling
self-conscious, until he smiled slowly at her, his hands reaching out to
trace a line from her neck down to her waist before pulling her to him.
His lips traced the path his hand had taken, light kisses covering her
body.

She had woken early the next morning feeling more content than she had
ever been.  A smile lit her face as she looked up at the man whose arms
held her. He looked so peaceful, his breathe slow and even. She snuggled
closer, enjoying the feel of his skin against hers.  A wicked grin
formed on her face as she considered the best way to wake him.
*********


______________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 12 Jan 1999 17:51:41 PST
From: "Andrea Newbery" <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Best Intentions, (3/18)

Title: Best Intentions
Author: Andrea
e-mail: [e-mail]
disclaimer: These characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant
Enemy, the WB, etc. They are not mine.
spoilers: Everything up to the end of season two.
distribution: Sure, just let me know.
rating: PG-13
summary: Xander/Cordelia. This fic is set in the same timeline as
ChristineÆs amazing story, æThe Wildest Times in the WorldÆ although
technically this story takes place before that one. If you havenÆt read
it, e-mail me and IÆll send it to you although you can read this story
even if you havenÆt read hers.
Feedback: Please. Good, bad, anything.
Thanks to Christine, for writing the story that started this, and for
helping me when I got stuck and for thinking up the title. Wow, and
thereÆs still more I could thank you for. :)



May 28, 2005

Cordelia stuffed her fist in her mouth, trying to stifle the sobs that
wanted to escape. She was the one who had done this, had chosen the safe
life over the one she wanted. That night had been everything to her, all
the love in the world was hers and she had let it go. She hadn't fought,
hadn't cried, she had just stepped back into her shell and let love pass
her by.

She was grateful for that night though, she always would be. Every time
her husband ignored her, or came home drunk, even the times that he
brought home one of his girlfriends she remembered that she had once
been loved by a man who would have given her anything. She had once
spent a night in heaven and nothing could take that from her.

Once again she thought of Buffy, and how she had held herself together
when Angel had lost his soul, and later when she had lost him again.
Cordelia had never understood how the Slayer had gone on, how she had
ever laughed again. It was only when she lost Xander that she understood
the power Angel's love had given Buffy. It was the same power that
Xander had given her that night. No matter how much Xander hated her
now, he had loved her then with everything and that gave her something
to hold onto.

She wished she could talk to Buffy now, tell her how stupid she had been
to give Xander up. Cordelia laughed at her thoughts, Buffy couldn't fix
anything for her, none of them could. They had believed her when she
told them her choice. They had believed that she wanted to be the
Cordelia they had hated again. Willow, Buffy, Oz and Xander, they had
all believed her so easily. It had torn her heart out that they hadn't
thought better of her after all the time they had spent together, but it
had made the parting easier, the anger covering the hurt.  She had lived
on the anger for a long time. It had carried her through her last years
of college and through all the preparations for her wedding. It had
carried her up the aisle and it had placed her hand in the hand of her
husband-to-be. It had made the words come from her mouth and helped her
hand sign the certificate. It had traveled with her on her honeymoon,
and moved into her new penthouse apartment. It had helped her open the
letter Willow had sent her, and then it was gone, leaving her alone in a
nightmare she had made for herself.

A nightmare that she hadn't woken from yet, and probably never would. It
was only when she read Willow's words that she had realized how wrong
she had been about everything. Looking back over the events now, she
couldn't forgive herself for the mistakes she had made, even if she had
thought she was doing the unselfish thing for once in her life.
**********
Sunnydale Cemetery
July 15,  2000

Cordelia slammed on the brakes, coming quickly to a stop just outside
the Sunnydale Cemetery. She couldn't wait to tell Xander the good news,
and she knew this was the most likely place to find him since he liked
to help Buffy with her first patrol of the evening. Grinning to herself
she wondered just how much help Xander was, although she had to admit he
had definitely gotten in much better shape than he was in high school.
Pushing away the thoughts that threatened to cloud her mind she grabbed
a crucifix and her spray bottle of Holy water from her glove
compartment. "Never hurts to be prepared in this town." She muttered to
herself as she straightened her skirt before entering the graveyard.

She thought happily of her news as she wandered through the graveyard.
Xander would be so happy that she wasn't going to be so far away next
year. Her first year at design school had been really hard on them, and
she had the phone bills to prove it. Plus, she could be here to help do
research and stuff when Buffy had a really bad guy to fight. Thank God
for the internet she thought, unable even now to believe that she could
complete her education online with only three visits to the college
during the year. Twirling the crucifix around in her fingers she stopped
when she heard the sound of sobbing. Following the noise she came upon
Buffy crying in Xander's arms. Cordelia stopped, wondering what had
happened, if someone had been hurt. But she had just been with Willow,
Oz, Giles and Joyce and she couldn't think of anyone else whose death
would cause Buffy such pain. Unless Angel... Cordelia let out a soft
gasp, as she stood frozen to the spot, unable to move towards the
clasped pair.

"I can't do this anymore Xander." Buffy's voice carried clearly across
the graveyard, the pain in her voice chilling Cordelia. She moved to go
to the pair, but was stopped by Xander's voice.

"You can Buffy." Xander spoke confidently, his shoulders taunt.

"I miss him so much. If only I knew where he was, if I could see him..."
The  Slayer's voice trailed off as she stood looking miserably at
Xander. Cordelia let out a breath, relieved that Angel still existed.

"You don't need him. You have us, Willow, Oz, Giles, Cordy and me Buffy.
You have me."  Xander's  voice was panicked. "You have me Buffy."

Cordelia watched horrified as Xander took Buffy into his arms and held
her. She couldn't move as Buffy moved her lips to cover Xander's.  She
said nothing as Xander kissed her back, just silently watched as her
life slipped away from her, doing nothing at all to stop it.

Xander broke the kiss, pulling away from the Slayer to look into her
eyes. Cordelia moved backwards slowly, not wanting to see the scene in
front of her, but not knowing how to look away. Xander's mouth opened to
speak and Cordelia turned and ran. She could handle everything she saw,
she could know that Xander kissed Buffy, but if she heard him say the
words of love that he had said to her only the night before she wouldn't
be able to live through the pain of it.

Cordelia walked away from the graveyard; her stomach churning so badly
she thought she would be sick. Tears streamed down her face as the
betrayal sunk in. Her love and her friend in each other's arms. She had
trusted them, would have died for them. She walked quickly, her pain
hardening into blind rage. She had given up the life she had wanted for
Xander. She had risked her life countless times to help Buffy. She had
cried with her over the loss of Angel, had supported her as the Slayer
learned to live without him. She had given Xander her heart and her soul
and her body. She had trusted him, loved him in a way she never thought
was possible.

She sunk to the pavement, sobbing wildly as all the dreams she had for
the future evaporated. Cordelia thought back to the beginning of her
relationship with Xander, when she knew Xander had wanted more from the
Slayer than she was willing to give him. Cordelia shook her head, it had
been years since Xander had felt anything more than friendship for
Buffy. She had been sure of it. How could she have been so wrong?

Wiping her face Cordelia stood and walked towards her car, wanting to
fix her make-up before she confronted her former boyfriend and his
friend. She would not give them the satisfaction of seeing the pain she
felt. She would find them and tell them what she thought of their
friendship and their love and then she would leave this town and never
look back.

She sat on the hood of her car, waiting for them to exit the cemetery;
every hair in place and her face clear of all signs of pain. Breathing
deeply she planned elaborate revenge fantasies that she knew she would
never carry out, but they gave her the strength to keep from sobbing.
Only a few more minutes, she told herself, a few more minutes and then
you can cry.

She felt Xander coming before she saw him, her heart leaping before
settling painfully back. The Slayer walked out of the cemetery with her
head low, her face ravaged by the crying fit she had suffered earlier.
Cordelia slid off her car, wanting to be standing when the pair reached
her. She looked up into Xander's eyes and saw the love she always seen
there. Turning to Buffy she saw the shame in the Slayer's eyes and the
new guilt that lived there. She sighed softly, knowing that she couldn't
add to Buffy's burden. Her life was filled with enough guilt already.
Cordelia watched them walk towards her, one so tall and dark and the
other so little and fair, their steps in perfect sync. They look
wonderful together she realized, as her heart shattered.

She understood what she had to do as they walked towards her. Knowing
with a strange certainty that puzzled her that she would give up Xander
for Buffy, step away without a fight. Her heart raged against the
thought of letting Xander go and with him her happy life. But when she
looked at the Slayer who carried the weight of the world on her
shoulders she couldn't bring herself to hurt her any more. Xander had
loved Buffy since he had met her, and with Cordelia gone he could love
her without feeling any guilt. Feeling something shut down inside her
she silently bid him good-bye.

Pasting a brittle smile on her face she spoke in a tone she hadn't used
for years, cringing at the sound of her own voice. "Buffy. You're
looking a little...ragged. You should really try waterproof make-up, it
really does stay on better." Ignoring the voice in her head that
screamed at her to stop, she watched as Buffy's eyes hardened, losing
some of the guilt that had been there.

"Cordy." Xander said, his expression a mixture of confusion and anger.
"Buffy's had a really hard night."

"And what about me? I've been waiting for you for over fifteen minutes."
Cordelia said, unable to believe how easy it was to slip into old
habits. Looking at Xander she realized how much she had depended on him
to give her the strength to be herself.  Swallowing the lump in her
throat she continued. "Can we go now? This place creeps me out. I don't
know why you can't hunt in a nicer spot."

Xander stared at her, the confusion on his face changing to hurt. "Can
we give Buffy a drive home first?"

Cordelia turned to Buffy, her lips curled in distaste. "But I just had
the car vacuumed." Cordelia stopped, the pain on Buffy's face preventing
her from saying anything else. "I suppose so."

The occupants of the car were silent on the drive to Buffy's house.
Cordelia kept checking in the rearview mirror, feeling horrible about
the words she had said to Buffy. Reminding herself that she was giving
everything up so that the Slayer could have Xander, her eyes hardened.
Buffy could handle a little pain, it was the guilt she couldn't take any
more of. And Cordelia knew better than any of them how easy it was to
dismiss her when she acted like a bitch. Let them all think that she had
reverted. Lost her soul like Angel.

She pulled to a stop in front of Buffy's house, barely glancing at Buffy
as the Slayer thanked her for the drive, her voice hurt. Hurt, Cordelia
thought to herself, she's hurt and I'm the one who saw her kissing my
boyfriend tonight. Aloud she only muttered something about getting her
car cleaned as she squealed away.

Xander said nothing as she drove towards his house;  just glanced at her
every few seconds, looking puzzled. When she stopped in front of his
house he turned to her. "Are you okay? Did something happen tonight?"
His voice was concerned as he slipped his arm around her.

Tell me Xander, please, she thought as she relaxed into his embrace for
a split second. "Nothing's wrong. Why? Did something happen with you?"

"No." Xander spoke quickly, his arm tightening around her.

Cordelia ducked her head into his shoulder for a moment, wishing with
everything she was that he would have told her. Fighting back the tears
she lifted her face to his and kissed him. Putting every ounce of
feeling she ever had for him into her kiss. He kissed her back just as
deeply and she melted into his embrace.

Finally pulling away he whispered for her to come in. She shook her
head, then loosing herself in the thought of a life spent without him
she slipped out of the car and followed him into the house. He undressed
her silently, seeming to understand that there was no time for words.
They fell into each other's arms, and joined together one more time.
Cordelia felt tears slipping down her cheeks as Xander fell into a
satisfied sleep, his arms wrapped tightly around her. She lay there as
the night passed, memorizing every line on his face, every curve of his
body. Finally as the dawn broke she moved from his embrace and walked
away.

She drove for hours that morning, planning her gift to Buffy. She
realized that she would have to be more than rude to Buffy, she would
have to act like the girl that they had all hated. Her heart broke a
little bit more as she finally understood that she would have to give
all of them up, not just Xander and Buffy. She straightened her
shoulders and hardened her resolve as she turned the car and headed to
the library to begin carrying out her plan.

She had walked in on Willow, studying with Giles, the weight of training
to be a Watcher still weighing heavily on the redhead's shoulders. It
hadn't taken much to shatter the friendships she had worked so hard to
build. A few veiled comments and some outright insults; all delivered
with a smile on her face. It got easier as she went on, the fact that no
one questioned her new behavior adding to the pain she already felt.
They seemed to pull away from her so quickly, not asking if anything was
wrong or trying to talk to her. They just shut her out as if she had
never been one of them. Conversations stopped when she came into a room,
dirty looks followed her as she walked away.

Two weeks was all it took. Two weeks to destroy every bond she had made
with them. The pain she felt wrapped itself tighter around her every
minute, choking all emotions except the anger that held her together.
She said good-bye to Xander on a Saturday night. A quick peck on the
cheek and she was gone. She never told him that she wasn't coming back
and he never asked.

She drove away from Sunnydale barely able to see through her tears, but
by the time she reached Boston her tears were gone. Replaced by the
anger that would sustain her through the next few years.
********


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