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buffyfic-digest       Sunday, December 20 1998       Volume 02 : Number 397



In this issue:

       BUFFYFIC: If Only They Understood   (1/1)
       BUFFYFIC: Torn (7/?)
       BUFFYFIC: Chandrea 2/? REPOST

See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic
or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Sat, 19 Dec 1998 18:26:26 EST
From: [e-mail]
Subject: BUFFYFIC: If Only They Understood   (1/1)

 TITLE: If Only They Understood
 AUTHOR: Tamara
 EMAIL: [e-mail]
 RATING: PG-13
 DISTRIBUTION:  My site (http://members.tripod.com/~Aramat1)
 If you want it, just email me and let me know.
 SUMMARY: Buffy POV. The title is kinda self explanatory, if you know who
 "They" are.
 FEEDBACK:  Definitely.  I wrote this in an hour and I'd really like to know
 what you think.  Besides, feedback makes me feel good.  You want me to
 be happy, right?
 DISCLAIMER: Buffy and company aren't mine. They belong to a very evil
 man named Joss Whedon and some other people who let him act crazy
 and treat the characters badly. I'm just borrowing them.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~


 I love him.

 Three simple words.  So easy to say.  Not so easy to feel.  I love a lot of
 people.  Mom and Dad, for briging me into the world.  Giles, for being the
 best damn Watcher any Slayer could have. Willow and Xander for just being
 them.  But that's familial love, the kind that comes easy, the kind of
 unconditional love you give freely to the ones closest to you.  What I feel
for
 him is so much more.

 And they don't understand.

 It doesn't surprise me.  They've never really understood my feelings for
Angel.
 I'm perfectly aware they think it's infatuation, some bundle of overactive,
raging
 hormones taking over my body, overriding my ability to think clearly,
clouding
 my judgement.  In some way, they're right.

 But, overall, they've never been more wrong.

 What they don't know is that a lot of what I do, I do because of him.  There
 are times when I've wanted so much to give up, to say the hell with Sunnydale
 and let the world fend for itself for a change.  But he never lets me think
it
 for long.  He comes along when I need it most, stressing to me just how
 important my job is, how good I am at it.  Telling me why I have to stick
 with it, why the world is a better place because of me.  He tells me how
 proud he is of me.  And then he lets me know that I'm not doing it alone.

 What they don't know is that I'm a stronger person, a better person, because
 of him.  He understands me better than anyone ever could.  He knows how
 hard it is for me, how tough it is to be who I am.  He knows me better than
 anyone ever will.  He's always there when I need him, holding me when I cry,
 telling me off when I'm not doing my best.  Loving me when I feel like
 everything is going to pieces and the only thing that will make it better is
his
 presence.  His love keeps me going.  Knowing that there's one person out
 there who knows me inside and out, who knows all my faults, my
 weaknesses, my strengths, and still loves me, makes my life a lot easier
 to bear.

 That's not to say my hormones aren't involved.  They are.  Big time.

 When he looks at me, staring straight into my soul, his eyes dark with desire
 for me, my knees get weak.  When he smiles, that sexy one reserved just
 for me, a fire ignites inside me and I get hot.  When he touches me, his
 fingers softly stroking my cheek, a current goes through me and I become
 this breathless, trembling mass of flesh, totally attuned to him.  I'd give
 anything just to have him kiss me, to feel his lips gently caressing mine,
 to feel his body, hard and strong, against the softness of mine, his cold
 warmed by my heat.  All the passion and desire and love shared between
 us just builds until I lose all control.  The one night we had together, when
 he worshipped my body with his lips and hands, his tongue doing things
 to me I never even imagined were possible.  When he entered me and our
 bodies became one, the earth shook and my world shattered around me in
 a blaze of heat and light.  And lying safe and loved in his arms afterward,
 I suddenly knew where I belonged.

 Then my heart broke.

 Losing Angel hurt me so much and I was positive nothing would ever hurt
 more.  Then I lost him again.  It was like losing a huge part of me, the part
 of me that cared whether I lived or died, the part that ever cared about
 anything or anybody.  I was empty, so dead inside that I couldn't laugh
 or cry or work up enough energy to feel anything at all.  I realized then
 how much Angel meant to me, how important he was, how much I
 needed him, fighting beside me, protecting me, loving me.  But even that
 wasn't as bad as what we have now.

 Nothing.

 Living without him hurts worse than anything.  He's in my dreams every
 night, and things are so perfect there.  But when I wake up in the morning
 instinctively reaching for him, everything comes rushing back and it takes
 everything I have not to break down and cry.  When something happens,
 he's the first person I want to run to.  When life gets tough, he's the one I
 want to talk to, the only one I know will understand.  When I feel like
crying,
 he's the one I want holding me, whispering words of love in my ear, telling
 me things will be okay.  Patrols aren't the same because he's not beside
 me, offering silent support, letting me know that he'll be there should
 anything happen.  Going home is lonely because I know he won't be
 there waiting for me.  Sleep eludes me because his arms aren't wrapped
 around me, holding me tight.

 He's so close and he's the only thing I want.  And I can't have him.  I'm
 tired.  Tired of hurting.  Tired of pretending to everyone that I'm okay,
that I
 don't miss him.  Tired of pretending that I don't need him in my life.  And,
 not for the first time, I wish they understood how I feel.

 I wish I could trust them enough to tell them.





 The End



 ~~~~~~~~

 Tamara [[e-mail]]
 http://members.tripod.com/~Aramat1
 http://members.tripod.com/~naughtyslayer
 http://members.tripod.com/~TheEvilTwins

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 11:57:42 EST
From: [e-mail]
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Torn (7/?)

TITLE: Torn
AUTHOR: Danielle Loughlin
E-MAIL: [e-mail]
FEEDBACK: Why, thank you, I'd love some!
DISTRIBUTION: my site. Anyone else, please ask. I will say yes, I just like to
know where my work is going.
SUMMARY: Willow is forced to choose between Xander and Oz, but neither Oz nor
Xander are willing to let Willow go
SPOILERS: through Lover's Walk
RATING: PG for this part.
DISCLAIMER: Willow, Oz, Xander, and the rest of Buffy & Co. are not mine. They
belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Twentieth Century Fox, etc. I'm just
borrowing them to alleviate my boredom and I'll try to return them with as few
dents as possible.

Torn
Part Seven


She thinks Oz said it. Oh, damn it. Xander felt like screaming. The one time
he'd managed to verbalize what he felt for Willow, and she didn't even know he
said it. Worse, she thought someone else had said it.

He wanted so badly to tell Willow the truth, that it hadn't been Oz. It had
been him. Him. He was the one who loved Willow so much she could feel it even
in her comatose state. He who wanted Willow to come back to them so badly. Him
who didn't know how he could live his life without Willow.

But telling Willow might shatter everything she'd held on to these last few
months. Might make her current position of being stuck between Xander and Oz
even worse. He didn't want to hurt her more than he already had.

Oz had looked surprised. He hadn't known Xander had said it either. He must
have come into the room after Xander uttered the words. Oz was watching him
right now, waiting, waiting to see what Xander was going to do.

Xander sighed. He wasn't going to tell her.

*****

"What?" Willow asked, looking back and forth between the two boys. Why were
they exchanging strange looks. Why had Oz looked so surprised? Why was Xander
looking like his heart was about to break?

Xander sighed. "Nothing, Will," he said. Willow studied him for a moment. The
look on his face did not say "nothing".

She turned her gaze to Oz. Oz was looking at the floor, an expression on his
face of indecision.

Something was going on. The entire mood of the room had changed since she'd
related her side of what happened in the hospital. Something was missing.
Something felt off.  Granted, they were Spike's prisoners in the basement, but
still.

"What is going on?" Willow demanded again.

*****

Oz let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding when Xander said
"nothing". He hadn't told her.

But then a pang of guilt hit him. Okay, fine, Xander wasn't going to tell her.
Which meant Willow was going to believe Oz had said it. But that wasn't true.
Which meant Willow was basing her feelings on something that wasn't real. He
didn't want that. He knew he should speak up, tell Willow it was Xander.

But he was so afraid of losing her. He finally had her back. Would it be total
stupidity to tell her the truth? Would it change everything?

He stole another look at Xander, sprawled out on the bed. His eyes were closed
but his expression looked hopeless. Like a man who'd lost something he loved
very much and wouldn't ever have a chance to regain it. Oz knew how Xander
felt.

Oz cleared his throat. "Will, I have something to tell you."

"What is it?" Willow asked.

Out of the corner of his eye Oz saw Xander's eyes open and the boy sit up on
the edge of the bed. Xander was giving him a huge "No, don't tell her!" look.
But he wasn't going to pay attention.

"That night at the hospital?" Willow nodded. Oz sighed before continuing. "As
much as I hate to admit it, I didn't tell you I loved you." He stopped for a
second, letting Willow absorb the words. She looked confused. He didn't blame
her. "It was Xander," Oz finished.

*****

Willow felt like the rug had been yanked out from under her. If she hadn't
already been sitting, she felt like she would have fallen.

"What?" she asked in disbelief.

"Xander was the one who told you he loved you," Oz repeated. "Not me. I do
love you, Willow, so much. But I didn't say it that night."

"Xander?" Willow asked in a small voice.

Xander was staring at the floor, not meeting Willow's eyes. "Yeah," he
replied. "It was me."

Willow felt tears come to her eyes for unknown reasons. Everything she'd been
believing since that night felt fake. She felt like a fool.

Another thought occured to her. How much it must have hurt Xander to hear her
say it was Oz who said those words. Words that had meant so much to her. Words
that convinced her this person was the one for her.

Xander said it. Not Oz. Not Oz. Xander.

Xander loved her that much.

The door at the top of the stairs flew open again. But this time it was Buffy
who stepped through and not Spike.

"Hey guys," Buffy said. "Having a party?"

She was answered by silence.

End Part Seven

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 22:28:08 EST
From: [e-mail]
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Chandrea 2/? REPOST

TITLE: Chandrea
AUTHOR: Pallia (Blu) Kennelly
RATING: Right now, PG or PG-13. Later, some parts will be NC-17, so you'll
have to ask me to send you those.
DISTRIBUTION: Anyone who wants it can take it! It'll be on my site, too.
(http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Location/8774/index.html)
CONTENT: There's a new Slayer in town, and she brings bad tidings to
Sunnyhell!
SPOILERS: Whatever episode that Spike and Dru came to Sunnyhell.
FEEDBACK: Please? I'll love you forever if you do.


"Okay, it's official," Chandrea said as she and Willow walked out of class=
. "I
am now completely and totally confused. The chaos theory is so fricking
*hard*! I can't understand how you find it so simple! You must be a super-
genius!"

"I've been working on it for a while, remember? But what about your old ma=
th
class? Did you at least start on it?"

"No, we were going over polar equations again. A lot of people forgot how =
they
worked. We were going to do the chaos theory later."

Chandrea stopped in front of her locker. "Hold on. I have to put my book a=
way
and get my keys out. I am *so* glad Snyder let me have off-campus lunch."

""He *let* you have off-campus lunch? How? What'd you do? Threaten you wit=
h
bodily harm or something?"

Chandrea laughed. "No, I'm just a special circumstance. I live by myself, =
and
I told him I need to go home during lunch to feed my grem...ah, my cats. I=
t's
not entirely true, but he doesn't need to know that."

"You live by yourself? What happened to your parents? Did you emancipate
yourself from them?"

"No, not exactly. They were killed not all that long ago, and I won the ri=
ght
from the courts to live by myself. I was deemed =91responsible enough to p=
rovide
for myself'. I've been =91providing' for myself for most of my life. It am=
uses
me that it took a court to make it legal."

"So you went through your parents death, a court battle over you, and now =
you
move to *this* town. Don't you feel a little...pressured?"

Chandrea shrugged. "Yeah, but I've been under pressure for most of my life=
.
I've gotten used to it." < It was either that or go mad. > She shut her
locker, and was about to say more when someone called her name.

"Chan! Over here!" Chandrea looked towards the direction of the voice. Whe=
n
she saw the person calling her, she grinned and shouted back, "How many ti=
mes
do I have to tell you, stupid? It's *Drea*! Get your sorry butt over here =
so I
can kick it like I told you I would if you ever called me that again!"

A tall, grinning guy pushed his way through the crowd. He got to Chandrea'=
s
side, and immediately fell to his knees. He looked up pleadingly at her. "=
Oh
please, fair maiden, I beg of you not to damage my unworthy a--"

"Enough!" Chandrea laughed. "Get up. You look idiotic, kneeling there on t=
he
floor."

He bounced up. Chandrea turned to Willow. "He's absolutely impossible. And=
 do
you have any idea who he is?"

"Well, I know his name is Ronan, but that's about it."

"Ah! Well, then, Willow, let me cordially introduce you to Ronan Haraldsso=
n,
my physics lab partner--"

"I was gracious enough to let her join me," Ronan interrupted, grinning.

Chandrea glared at him. "That's because you were the only reject *without*=
 a
partner. Now, like I was saying, this is Ronan, my lab partner, and the cl=
own
that's in my first four classes. *Much* to my dismay," she added, grinning=
 at
him.

"First four?" Willow asked, frowning. "Is he in math with us? I didn't see=
 him
there."

"Nope. But we've both got zero-period. It's a drag, but I couldn't decide =
if I
wanted to take computers or band. So I chose both."

"I see. What's your zero-period?" Willow asked, curious.

"Physics," Chandrea said. She made a face. "Physics early in the morning i=
s
not *my* idea of fun, but it was the only zero-period with seats left in i=
t.
So I got stuck with it."

"And you got stuck with him, too," Willow said, smiling impishly at Ronan.
"How much you must suffer!"

Chandrea smirked. "You read my mind." She looked at her ring watch. "Hmph.=
 I
need to go. God, how I hate going anywhere by myself. < Even on patrol...t=
he
buddy system is a wonderful thing! >

Ronan slung an arm around her shoulders. "Then take us with you!"

Chandrea poked him. "Duh, Ronan. This isn't exactly an off-campus lunch
school! Snyder would have our heads!"

"He would have *our* heads, Ronan said as he pointed to Willow and himself=
 "if
we did that by ourselves. But *you*, the precious extra ordinary student
*with* us, we won't get in trouble. Snyder adores you."

Chandrea made another face. "Eewww. I'm adored by an impotent, bald little
Nazi man. I feel all icky!"

Willow giggled. "Impotent, bald little Nazi man? Where'd you get that?"

"Cordelia. I heard her talking about Snyder to a bunch of her little frien=
ds.
Are they all as snobby as she?"

"Yeah. Harmony's usually worse."

"Harmony. What a weird name. Do you suppose her parents were hippies?"

Ronan snickered. "Probably. She has that air headed way about her that peo=
ple
get from their druggie parents."

Chandrea rolled her eyes. "Where *do* you get your logic, boy? You don't
inherit airheadedness from druggie parents. Drugs have nothing to do with =
it.
It's just the way you want to act. And I'm beginning to wonder: how did we=
 get
on the subject of airheadedness, anyway? Never mind," she said as Ronan op=
ened
his mouth to reply "I don't want to know. Or remember. Whatever. You guys
gonna come along with me or what?"

Ronan grinned. "Finally you come to the point. Yes, I accept your kind
invitation."

Chandrea poked him. "Hush. And get your arm off me. It's been there far to=
o
long."

He removed the arm, looking insulted. Chandrea looked aggrieved. "Oh, for =
the
love of-- never mind. Willow, come? Please? Don't leave me alone with...hi=
m."

Willow looked as if she was having a minor crisis. "Well,
I...yes--wait...no--maybe...oh, Xander!" she said, the last word coming ou=
t
almost as a shout.

Ronan and Chandrea appeared decidedly confused for a moment. Chandrea spok=
e
first. "Um...I see. Could you make any less sense, Willow? Did you want Xa=
nder
to come with us?"

"Uh...yeah?"

"And where would he be? We can't take him if we can't find him."

"We usually meet in the cafeteria. It's like a tradition thing. Or at leas=
t it
used to be. Me, Xander, Buf--" Willow broke off, eyes filling with tears.

Chandrea bit her lip. She had an idea of what Willow was going to say.
"Buffy?" she asked softly. Willow nodded, eyes threatening to spill over. =
<
Buffy...the previous Slayer. Does Willow know how she died? Well, I certai=
nly
can't ask her about it now. Wouldn't be a good idea. From the way she's
looking now, she just might burst into tears. I hate when people cry. Am I
Miss Insensitive or what? >

Ronan appeared extremely uncomfortable. "Xander? Remember him? Can we go f=
ind
him now? Please?"

< Men. > Chandrea sighed mentally. "Sure, let's go find Xander. Just one
question. Where's the cafeteria?"

Glad to have a distraction, Willow started forward. "This way."

Chandrea and Ronan followed her. "How'd you know about Buffy?" Ronan asked
quietly, making sure Willow couldn't hear. "She died before you came."

"Didn't I tell you that I lived in L.A. before I came here? At home, Buffy=
 was
still a legend for burning down her school gym."

"She did what?"

"Don't tell me you hadn't heard about it. News like that usually travels
pretty fast."

"No, actually, I hadn't heard it. Why'd she do it anyway?"

"I'm not sure. Some say she was some sort of pyromaniac, others say she wa=
s a
psycho." < And still others know the truth...she burned it down to kill
vampires. >

"She sure didn't act psycho. Snyder was of another opinion on that, though=
."

"He would be," Chandrea muttered. "Hey, is this the cafeteria? Or is it ju=
st
some other place where mass amounts of people gather to eat?" She looked
around. It was very loud, and full of strange, new people. < Scary. > Chan=
drea
shuddered. < Well, at least none of them are vampires. But they could be
werewolves and demons and chupacabras and snake-people and...well, I'm sur=
e I
get the idea now. >

Willow disappeared into the crowd, and a minute or two later, she reappear=
ed
with Xander.

"Are we ready now?" Chandrea asked. "I need food."

They all nodded. Chandrea smiled. "Good." She turned around and pushed her=
 way
through the crowd. She finally got out into the hall.  Chandrea stopped an=
d
checked to see if the little group was still behind her. They were still
caught in the crowd, so she waited for them to catch up. She saw Ronan fir=
st.

"I call shotgun," he told her. Chandrea shrugged.

"Makes no difference to me," she said. "But don't you dare fight over it."

Ronan saluted her. "Yes ma'am!" Chandrea chuckled.

Willow and Xander appeared. "Ronan called shotgun," she told them. "No
fighting whatsoever about it. If you do, you don't go. Got it?"

Looking slightly intimidated, Willow and Xander meekly nodded.

"Madam runs a tight ship!" Ronan said jokingly.

"Madam has learned a tight ship is the only way to run a ship. Now, move o=
ut
of my way. I don't want to waste any more time than we already have." Chan=
drea
ever so politely shoved Ronan and Xander out of the way.

------------------------------

End of buffyfic-digest V2 #397
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