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buffyfic-digest       Sunday, November 15 1998       Volume 02 : Number 368



In this issue:

       BUFFYFIC: Moving On

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Date: Sun, 15 Nov 1998 14:21:15 PST
From: [e-mail]
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Moving On

Author's Note: This story takes place during the upcoming 1999 series
æAngel'.   According to this story the kiss between Willow and Xander in
Homecoming never happened.

Spoilers: Anything before Homecoming could be spoilers.  Also I have no idea
what is really going to happen in the series æAngel' so this is not "what's
going to happen".

Feedback:  Please!  [e-mail]

Disclaimer: All the characters belong to Joss and Mutant Enemy.  Blah blah
blah don't sue me.   The quotes throughout the piece are from the song How?
off Lisa Loeb's Firecracker CD.

***The << >> represent song quotes.

<<I didn't come this far for you to make this hard for me.
And now you want to ask me, "how"?>>


Cordelia Chase had gone home to Sunnydale, California for the weekend.  She
hadn't been there in a little over a month.  Before that she had returned
almost every weekend and if she hadn't gone there then he had come to visit
her.  But it had been a full month since they had seen each other.  Maybe it
had to do with their last fight.  The fight Cordelia could not even remember
what it had been over.  But it had been big.  They hadn't broken up.  Why
would they after putting up with each other for almost two years?

When she first arrived she had run into Buffy Summers, who immediately asked
about Angel.

Cordelia gave an irritated sigh, "He's . . . Angel.  The same annoying
Vampire that is always around with bad news."

Angel lived near Cordelia's Los Angeles college.  They saw a lot of each
other no matter how much Cordelia couldn't stand him.  Most of the time when
they were together they argued.  She had thought her and Xander were
complete opposites attract but Angel was so completely different from her.
And to make things worse all of her sorority sisters loved him.  They
drooled and acted like love sick school kids whenever he came around.  They
couldn't understand why Cordelia didn't dump her boyfriend back home that
she always fought with to be with Angel.

Buffy smiled a knowing smile, "Sounds the same to me.  I should come visit
you guys soon."

"You know you are always welcome."  Cordelia waved knowingly.  Buffy had
been to visit a few times and had actually hit it off pretty well with the
other girls in the sorority.  Cordelia and Buffy got along a lot better too.
They actually agreed on a lot of things and had fun when they hung out.

"So I guess you want to go see Xander."

Cordelia glanced over at Buffy as they headed into the Bronze doors, "Has he
said anything?"

Buffy shook her head, "All I know is what you told me.  Big fight.  Haven't
talked in a month."  Buffy stopped and put her hand around Cordelia's
forearm, "Cordy, he's been . . ."  Buffy stopped and bit the inside of her
cheek.

"What?"  Cordelia asked, not sure what Buffy was getting at.

Buffy shook her head and turned away, "Nothing.  He should be here."

The Bronze was the same as it had been when they had gone to High School.
Normally Cordelia would not have been caught dead in here after graduating
but in Sunnydale there was nothing else to do and Xander was here and he was
the reason she was in town.

Cordelia saw him before he saw her.  He was on the dance floor, dancing to a
slow song with her.  Willow Rosenberg.  Willow went to a school only twenty
miles away so it was easier for her to come back home all of the time.   And
it seemed her and Xander had grown closer since the move.  That was what
their last fight had been about.  Cordelia had asked him to come visit her
the weekend of the Sorority/Fraternity dance.  But Willow had beat her to
it.  Her own Sorority having a dance the same night.

"You're my boyfriend not hers, Alexander Harris!"  Cordelia had screeched,
near tears.  She had been hysterical, not understanding.  Jealous would be
the right word for it.

He was confused at her anger.  He didn't understand where it came from.  He
never did.  When Cordelia had talked to Buffy about it, Buffy had understood
completely why Cordelia had been so . . . jealous.  But Cordelia didn't need
Buffy to understand she had needed Xander to.

"It hurts to see them like that."  Cordelia whispered.

Buffy glanced at her with sad eyes but didn't reply.

"But you know why it hurts so much?  Cause they look like they belong
together.  And ever since we first started going out she was the only one I
was scared of taking him away from me.  I knew he had a thing for you but I
always knew it would never be returned, not the way he wanted it.  I knew
your heart was somewhere else.  But with her . . ."  Cordelia pointed to
them and turned to Buffy, "I knew that eventually the dumbass would open his
eyes and see how wonderful she is."

Buffy didn't know what to say.  She knew too much as it was.

"Hey Buffy.  Cordelia, I didn't know you were coming into town this
weekend?"

Cordelia turned to smile at Willow, "Yeah, last minute decision.  Angel
really pissed me off and I had to get away from him."

Buffy laughed, "He's good at that."

Cordelia looked over Willow's head to see Xander standing behind her.  He
was watching Cordelia, weary, not sure on how to approach her.  Cordelia
smiled weakly at him and he carefully walked over to her and kissed her on
the cheek, "Long time no talk." he whispered.

She nodded not sure why there were tears in her eyes.  She turned away and
nodded at Buffy, "You need to come visit and get whatever is up Angel's ass
out of there.  I am growing sick of him.  And god my Sorority sisters, they
won't leave me alone about him."

"Is he seeing anyone?"  Buffy wearily asked.

Cordelia threw her head back and laughed, "Angel?  Mr.
I'm-a-Vampire-with-a-soul-so-I'm-not-good-enough-for-anyone.  Or is it
no-one-is-good-enough-for-me?"

Buffy smiled relieved but sad.

* *

Cordelia and Xander were finally alone.  And filled with silence, both were
weary on what to say.  Cordelia figured it was because of the fight over a
month ago.

"Look, Xander, this is stupid . . ."

"Cordelia I need to tell you something . . ."

They both stopped and smiled at each other.  At least the silence was
broken.

Cordelia scooted closer to him on the couch and gently touched his hand,
"I'm sorry I got so jealous."

Xander turned his hand over and laced their fingers together, he took his
other hand and softly traced her hand in his, "I think we should break up
Cordy."

Cordelia's heart stopped and tears immediately sprang to her eyes.  She
jerked her hand away from his and his eyes rose to meet hers.

She turned away from him to hide her pain that was surely written all over
her face, "What?  Because of that stupid fight."

"That. And . . ."

"I said I was sorry Xander.  What else do you want me to say?  I was
jealous, and I think I had every right to be."

"And you did have every right to be.  I get jealous every time you talk
about Angel or any other guy for that matter back in Los Angeles."

Cordelia turned back to him, "But I never even thought of them in any other
way other then as friends.  I didn't go to any dances with them."

"Willow is my best friend."

"And I know that.  But why do . . .why do you want to break up?"  Cordelia
questioned.  She felt like her heart was already breaking.

Xander had been the first guy she had let in on her.  He had been the first
guy that she had let herself go with.  She had let herself fall in love with
and he had changed her.  For the better.  Made her open her eyes and see the
world for what it was.  He had cared for her.

"Because."  He stopped and took her hand back into his, "God this is so hard
for me."

"Oh gee and I assume it's easy for me to hear this?"  Cordelia snapped.  Her
defenses were fastly forming to protect herself.  Her heart.

He sighed, "We are so different from each other."

"Duh.  But I thought we had worked through this two years ago."

"Look Cordy, Willow and I.  We're . . . together now."

Cordelia jerked her hand back and stood up, moving away from him.  Her chest
felt like it was on fire, her breathing weak.  "Oh."  Was all she could
manage to say.

Xander's eyes softened which seemed to only anger her.  He stood up and
started for her, "Cordy, I'm sorry . . ."

"No.  You know maybe you're right.  No.  You are right.  My Sorority sisters
were all right.  Angel was right.  Buffy was right.  God, why am I so blind?
Everyone told me you were not worth my time and I didn't listen to any of
them because I thought that what we had was special.  I thought we loved
each other."  Her words were full of anger and spite.

"We were.  Are.  Cordy I loved you and I still do, very much.  But . . .
it's not like what it used to be."

"Yeah well . . . I hope you and Willow have a happy life together.  Good-bye
Alexander Harris.  The last two years were a waste of my time and the worst
mistake I have ever made."

She turned and started for the door to his apartment.  He stopped her just
as she stepped out, "Cordelia, don't end it like this.  I care for you and
want to remain friends.  We have all been through so much together."

Cordelia turned to face him no longer hurt, just angry, "All that we have
done together and been through together means nothing to me.  Never has and
never will."

He actually looked hurt.  But Cordelia didn't see nor care.  She turned on
her heal leaving him and Sunnydale for good.  She intended to never return
again.

<<It's like - how does your heart beat, and why do you breath?>>


        * * *


<<Why did you come here?
You weren't invited.
You were on the outside - stay on the outside.
And now you want to ask me why?>>


"Cordy, Angel's here."

Cordelia groaned as she sat up in her bed.  She swung her legs over to the
side, stood up and headed to the bedroom door.

She opened it to see Angel standing there with Kindy standing two feet
behind him practically drooling.

Cordelia offered a fake smile at Angel and let him into her room and started
to shut the door on Kindy, "Thanks Kindy, I can take it from here."

Kind leaned forward and whispered, "Now that Xander is out of the picture
you and Angel can really hit it off."

Cordelia rolled her eyes and shut the door in Kindy's face, "God."  She
mumbled before turning to see Angel standing right behind her.

"So what do I owe this honor of you visiting me?  Is there great danger in
L.A.?  Or wait I know some of your cousins have come to visit and we're on
the menu?"

Angel laughed and Cordelia's eyes widened, "I don't think I've ever heard
you laugh before."

Angel continued to smile, "It's just, Buffy said the same thing to me once.
You guys are a lot alike."

Cordelia let herself smile and offered a chair to Angel as she sat on the
edge of her bed, "So, really, what's up?"

"Buffy called and told me what happened.  She wanted me to check up on
you."

Cordelia rolled her eyes, "Great.  Now you're being Mr. . . well I can't
think of a good cut down so I'll not say anything."

Angel smiled again, "You seem to be okay."

Cordelia waved her hand, "Yeah well.  What am I supposed to do sit around
and mope about him?  He's not worth the pain."

"You loved him."

Cordelia's eyes narrowed and she turned her face to look out the window,
"So?  It doesn't mean anything."

Angel stood up and sat beside her on the bed, "Yeah it does.  It means
everything.  Love isn't something that just dies because the guy is a fool
and says it's over."

Cordelia felt the tears coming again.  She had cried a lot since returning
from Sunnydale but she had been able to hide her pain and tears from
everybody.  Including Buffy who had made a short day trip the day after
Cordelia had left Sunnydale.

Angel lightly touched her shoulder, "Cordy, you need to let go before you
can truly heal."

Cordelia jumped away from his touch.  He had never touched her like that, in
fact he had never tried to comfort her.  They had spent most of the past
year together fighting off evil forces that slipped past Sunnydale, but even
if she got hurt badly the most he would do is help her bandage the wound up.
Then they would argue over something.  No matter how hard she had tried, her
and Angel had never been able to get along.

"I think you should leave."  Cordelia said her back to him.  The tears were
falling and she felt embarrassed.

"Cordelia, don't be scared to cry or feel.  You are such a brave human when
it comes to facing all the evil forces out there.  It's okay to let go every
now and then.  It's normal."

Cordelia whirled around, "Not for me.  I don't like caring.  I don't like
being so helpless, but I am here.  I am the loser and I have never been the
loser before."  The tears fell harder as her face fell.  She couldn't feel
the anger anymore.  Just the pain.

Angel stood up and took her into his arms.  She hid her face in his chest,
welcoming the comfort of his strong arms.

Softly Angel rubbed his hands in circles around her back, gently massaging
all the tension.  It felt weird to be comforting Cordelia.  She was always
the strong one, she had such a backbone to her that Angel thought she never
broke down.  He would have thought she never cared for anyone also but
anytime Xander would visit and Angel would see the two of them together, he
knew that if she didn't care for anyone else she at least cared for Xander.
Angel knew how much Cordelia loved Xander and that was without her ever
saying it.  He knew by just watching.

"Why does it hurt so much when all I want to do is hate him?"  Cordelia
mumbled.

"If you love someone it can't just go away with words."  She lifted her face
to look at his.  Angel brought his hands around to cup her face and gently
whipped the tears with his thumbs, "Give it time, it's the only thing that
will ease the pain."

"What if it never goes away?"

Angel was surprised at how young and vulnerable she looked at the moment.
As if she were once again a young child that had been hurt by a bully or had
been chastened by her father.

"It will Cordy.  In time."

"You promise?"  She asked.  As if his promise would fix everything.  As if
he promised then she knew that soon it would all be better.

Angel brought his hands to her hair and softly ran his fingers through it,
"I promise."

She brought her face back to his chest as the tears slowed.

Angel pulled away after a few moments, "I better go."

"Yeah."  Cordelia nodded her agreement.

He headed to the door and before opening it turned back around, "If you ever
need someone to talk to or . . . just need to cry, don't ever be afraid to
come by my place."

Cordelia nodded and softly said, "Thanks."

She stood there for a few moments after he left in a mix of emotions,
heartache, anger and confusion.  Her and Angel had never connected like
that.  It's like Xander had stood between her and Angel.  Not that he really
had been, but.

Cordelia changed into her nightclothes and slid under her covers after
turning off the light.  There was fear in her heart as well.  Angel had
always been on the outside, they had kept their personal lives away from
each other.  There had been a few times when Angel had commented on a fight
her and Xander had had in front of him.  He had always been fast to put
Xander down, say he wasn't worth her time but Cordelia had taken it as Angel
trying to piss her off again.

Cordelia wasn't sure if she liked Angel being on the inside now.

<<It's like - why does your heart beat, and how do you cry?>>


                    * * *


<<And there are some things that I'd like to figure out.
There are some things that I can do without -
like you, and your letters that go on forever,>>


Cordelia recognized the handwriting before she even read the words on the
envelope.  It was a letter from Willow.  Gee how appropriate.  Willow thinks
they can all still be friends.

Cordelia ripped the envelope open in her room after only briefly thinking of
just throwing the entire thing away.

Cordelia-

I found this letter in Xander's room one night when I was straightening up.
I thought maybe you would like to see it.  He'll probably be pissed when he
finds out I sent it but that's okay.  I still love and care for you very
much.

                Always
                    Willow

Cordelia rolled her eyes and put the page down on the desk.  She took a deep
breath and glanced down at Xander's sloppy handwriting.

Cordy

You hate me now.  More then you have ever hated me and I don't blame you.  I
know I handled everything wrong.  I want you to know that when I broke your
heart, I broke mine.  Your love was everything to me, even with all we have
been through I always thought you would be the one I would love and care for
forever.  And I know now that I will always have a special place in my heart
with your name on it.   And I also know I will never send this letter to you
but maybe it will help me with the pain I feel.  Yes I am hurting too.
Maybe not as much as you are.  Or at least I think you are hurting.  You
probably already had a boyfriend waiting when you left Sunnydale, I'm sure
there are tons of guys who will want to love and care for you the way I
never could.  I was always scared you would realize what an ass I was and
dump me for one of them good-looking college guys.  But you never did.  And
the only explanation I can think of is you loved me.  And it goes without
saying that I am worse then any monster Buffy has ever had to face, because
I took that love and threw it back in your face.

Cordelia I wish you only the best in life and hope that in the future we can
speak to one another.  I know what we had as friends will never be.  That's
my fault.  But promise me you will NEVER let any guy harm you in anyway.
You deserve better then that.  You deserve the best and you of all people
know that.

I love you Cordelia Chase.  Always have and always will.  No one can take
that from me.

Forever
Alexander L. Harris

Cordelia sat the letter down and sighed.  After a few moments she picked up
her address book and flipped through it.  She dialed the number and waited.

<<And you, and the people that were never friends.>>

"Hello?"

"Hi.  Is Willow in?"  Cordelia asked.

"Yeah.  Hold on.  WILLOW IT'S FOR YOU!"

There was a shuffling then Cordelia heard her voice.

"Hello?"

"Hi.  It's Cordelia."

"Oh.  Hi Cordy.  This is a surprise."  Willow's voice sounded shaky.

"I'm sure it is."  Cordelia knew she sounded cold but she was past caring.

"So I guess you got the letter?"  Willow asked, trying to keep her own voice
upbeat.

"Yeah.  And thanks but no thanks."

"I'm sorry?"

"Look Willow.  You may think everything can be peachy keen between all of us
and we can have ourselves a happy threesome and be the friends we once were
but it will never, ever happen.  You can keep dreaming but to me you both
are a part of a very icky past I would just as soon forget then ever be
friends with the likes of you again."

"Cordy."  Willow started.

"No.  Don't, I just wanted to call and tell you to not bother anymore.  If I
see a letter from either of you, I will dump it in the trash without reading
it."

"Okay."  Willow answered weakly, "I understand and I'm sorry."

"You sure are."  Cordelia hung up the phone without a second thought.


          * * *

<<with all the things that you could be
you never could learn how to be me.>>

". . . and she had the nerve to send it to me."  Cordelia rambled on.

Angel took the letter from Cordelia's outstretched hand and Buffy leaned
over to read it.  Cordelia sat there in silence fuming.  After a few hours
of crying, being mad and feeling like she was ready to burst she had headed
over to Angel's.  Buffy was in town and her and Angel had been getting ready
to go eat dinner when Cordelia had arrived.

"Wow."  Buffy breathed as she moved away from Angel.

Angel handed the letters back to Cordelia, watching her wearily.  He knew
that the letter had only caused her pain and could see it clearly in her
eyes.

Cordelia turned her eyes from his stare and settled them on the pages in her
hand.  Then as if something had pushed her she ripped the pages to pieces.

"I don't care anymore."  She grumbled, "It's time to move on.  Neither of
them are worth my time."

"Willow called and told us about your phone call.  You shouldn't have said
those things.  She was crying."  Buffy stated.

"What else was I supposed to do?  Just forgive and forget?  It's not that
easy."  Cordelia growled.

"God Cordelia do you ever think about anybody but yourself.  They are
hurting too."

Angel glanced at Buffy his eyebrows lowered and turned back to Cordelia, he
reached out his hand and lightly rested it on hers.  She didn't move away
from him or flinch, "You're right Cordy.  They aren't worth your time."

"Angel."  Buffy whined.

Angel turned to Buffy, "Look, why don't you head out and I'll meet you
downstairs."

They starred each other down, Buffy finally releasing as she stood up and
headed to the door.

"Cordy. . ."

"I don't want to hear it Buffy.  I know who's side you are on."  Cordelia
answered with no feeling.

"There are no sides."  Buffy said then shut the door behind her.

"I should have known."

Angel squeezed her hand, "You know how much Buffy cares and adores you?
Cordelia that girl looks up to you.  As strange as it may seem, she has
always wished she could be you.  Not really having any cares except what to
wear and who the cute guy is.  She was once like that and it was all taken
away from her in one moment.  I think the main reason she likes coming out
here is she gets to spend time with you and for one moment forget about all
the destiny, Chosen One, Slayer crap she is faced with everyday.  So if you
worry about whose side Buffy will be on, there is no doubt in my mind she
would stand by you."

Cordelia's eyebrows lowered in confusion, she had never known or suspected
any of what he had said.

"But it's not fair to her, to make her choose.  She also cares for Willow
and Xander.  They have stood by her from day one.  Comforted her, cared for
her when she needed them the most.  Willow was in the wrong for calling her.
It's hard on Buffy because she doesn't want to have to choose.  So you have
to know that she will try and do what she can to have everybody be friends
again."

"But she has to know it can never be.  I can never be comfortable enough to
be around them two."

"But maybe in time you will be.  Once you are able to pick up and move on.
Find another guy, someone who will do you better.  You know I always thought
you were too good for Xander.  And actually I think Willow is too good for
him."

Cordelia lowered her face and Angel brought his other hand to her chin and
lifted it back up, "If you need someone to be on your side though, just know
that I will always be there to hold your hand.  I will never walk behind you
or in front of you, always beside you."

"Thank you Angel.  I guess one good thing came out of all of this."

"And what's that?"

"It made us better friends."  Cordelia smiled softly at him and he nodded.

"That it did.  Now why don't you come to dinner with us."

They both stood up and started for the door.  As Angel shut it behind them
Cordelia turned around with a smile on her face, "What do you think of
Cody?"

"Oh Cordelia, Cody?  He's such a football jock with no neck, only here to
party and get drunk loser.  You can do better."

"Ian?"

"Druggie."

"Andy?"

"Dead."

"You?"

"Vampire."

"Come on.  Is there anybody that would satisfy you?"  Cordelia teased.

"You know Cordy.  Probably not."  Angel smiled back at her and could tell
already her pain was easing.

<<It's like - how does your heart beat, and why do you breath?
How does your heart beat, and why do you breath?>>


- -FIN




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